You Keep Using that Word...

The English language contains anywhere from 250,000 to a million words, depending on what you consider a word. (I have something of a loose definition of what makes a word and also enjoy floating new ones out to see how far they go, so I'd lean closer to 7 figures than 6.) It is said that the language I'm typing in right now has more words than any other...but how many do we actually put to good use?

The average speaker of American English has a functional vocabulary of well under that. Figures are commonly in the 10,000ish range, but I think even that's something of an overestimation in our dumbed-down modern society where newspapers are written on a 4th grade (-repeating kid's) level and people are deathly afraid of "big words", which is commonly defined as any word with over 2 syllables or 8 letters.

What's more, studies show that the number of words in common use has declined significantly in recent years. (Which I'm sure doesn't come as a shock to anybody who watches a lot of TV...back in the day, even Looney Tunes had some sweet SAT-level vocab. You tell me the last time you heard the word "despicable" without a lisp or heard a cartoon character as eloquent as Bugs Bunny or Foghorn Leghorn.)

For whatever reason, it seems that people would rather overuse the wrong words than learn any more than it takes to pass some standardized test or other. I think that it's an absolutely deplorable state of affairs. It seems that some get used more than others by orders of magnitude, even where inappropriate, and in many cases, that's a damn shame. Maybe the movie "Idiocracy" is coming true. Maybe people just figure they don't need to know all that many words. Maybe it's part of some kind of grand "1984"-y scheme to reduce the number of ways in which people can express themselves and their ideas by gradually phasing words out of everyday use.

It's entirely possible I'm taking this too seriously, but seeing someone use a word incorrectly is like seeing someone play golf with a baseball bat...sure, it's similar enough for people to see what you're trying to do and it might even work on a basic level sometimes, but any enthusiast of the game will be mortified as fuck watching you.

I am such an enthusiast.

There are a lot of words that are answers to the equation overused + often misused = ? (hey, if they can shove letters into math just to confuse me halfway through junior high, I can throw a few words in there) but there are 10 I can immediately think of that get used far too often at the expense of more accurate, descriptive and often more impressive alternatives.

Outdoor Toddler Parenting 101

My first outdoor parenting experience was yesterday, and I learned a considerable amount from it. In case you don't realize, open-air parenting for a toddler is a completely different sport from indoor parenting...kinda like arena football is different from the NFL. One involves a lot more space, a lot more skill, a lot higher stakes and hopefully, a better defense.

Anyway, me and baby DX took our first father-son trip out into the big, wide world on that day. It's not as cute as it sounds, we were actually going to the liquor store.

(Hey, I had planned to go anyway during work mostly to pick up something Shannon wanted but ended up being the sitter on the shortest possible notice...sometimes errands must be run despite inconveniences. I asked both mommy and grandma if that violated some sort of moral code first...they said as long as we both stayed sober I was fine. I agree, children under 4 shouldn't drink. Moving on...)

The outing went pretty smoothly, all things considered. I obtained all mission items, retained most of my limited sanity and successfully prevented my young charge from sprinting unsteadily out into the street or something, which is good because that type of thing can't happen on my watch. (I already wrote a book about not wanting kids, can't have people suspecting me of foul play.)

I just learned a few things about the sport of outdoor parenting that I could not have learned in any other way but experience, and so I thought I'd share them so that when you find yourself toting a tot to the tipsy till on the train one day, you can be more confident in your childcare capabilities.

Turning Off

Recently, I've made the decision to try breaking free of a certain addiction.

History Lesions: The Tuskegee Experiment

*fittedwearer's note: As I mentioned before, American history is fascinating. Not the bite-size sugarcoated propaganda that fills the textbooks of schoolchildren across the country, the real story.

You see, every government in history from Ceasar's Rome to Cold War Russia has had its' skeletons, but American history is especially interesting because...well, it's like finding out an old family secret that has been hushed up for generations. Our seemingly benevolent and altruistic government is capable of some pretty fucked up shit where the need serves its' interests, and we would do well to never forget that.

 You might be surprised at what has gone down in the land of the free and home of the brave (but probably not).  Time heals all wounds, but the mark they leave is indelible and educational. These marks are often all that remains of these sore subjects, these painful and embarrassing scars on the proud face of our country...these history lesions. Today's deleted scene from the American History DVD is the infamous Tuskegee Experiment...enjoy.

Seems legit.

Nursery Crimes

As (approximately) one-half of the parental unit responsible for the care of a toddler, I hear a lot of songs for kids...over and over and over again. Most of them are pretty stupid, almost as stupid as listening to the adult radio most of the time. However, there seem to be a special class of nursery rhymes that were written by a psychotic kid-hating individual to sound really nice until you actually listened to them.

I can't imagine why anyone would sing these songs to their innocentish little rugrats (and not be reported for child abuse). There are 5 that I can immediately think of off the top of my head that aren't only not very cute, they're pretty horrifying in some cases.

People may have whatever to say about my...distinct...parenting style, but at least I don't sing this sick shit to my own child. Let's start with...

One Size Fits All-American

By now, I'm sure most people have seen or heard of the above quote from Abercrombie CEO Michael Jeffries explaining why you won't find clothes over a certain size in that particular store. Skipping the sugar coating for the benefit of any diabetics affected, he came right out and said that thin, attractive people were society's cool kids and the other misfits and irregulars pretty much didn't count.

For sharing his uncensored marketing strategy, he was raked over the coals by the "everyone is beautiful" crowd. A firestorm of outrage engulfed social media, threats of protests and boycotts abounded and almost everyone generally decided he was a big stupid meanie head.

Well...except for me, of course. I looked at his words and actually felt a sense of respect for what he said.

Childcare Takeover (the Break's Over)

You know, I'm pretty lucky when it comes to this "accidental daddy" thing. I got stuck with a great partner, a cute kid and as a result we all live together in a niceish apartment that includes an awesome office (even happily sometimes). It's the best situation I never asked for.

Hell, until very recently, I haven't even had to be a solo parent for over a few hours. That's a pretty sweet deal...well, was until yesterday.

Yesterday, the inevitable finally happened: the sitter fell through, Shannon had to work, my parents were busy and all our friends either have jobs or kids of their own they're trying to pass off on some sucker--I mean, share with the people they know like the little gifts they are.

Guess who's the sitter in that scenario.

Yes, much like the presidential line of succession that dictates that the Secretary of Education or Agriculture goes into the Oval Office should the 50 people in front of him become unavailable for some reason, I was forced into the big job for a full day's shift. My luck streak was finally over...for the first time in over 14 months, I would have to spend an entire day being the only parent to a 1-year-old.

I mean, don't get me wrong. I love the kid and all, it's just that the majority of people can get on my nerves after over 8 straight hours (which I suspect is why workdays are only that long, to keep the workplace homicide rate down) and I don't even have to change their diapers. No telling how I would handle someone who literally does nothing but scream, make messes and try to break my shit. Hell, if he wasn't my kid, I'd...well, I'd be able to tell you what I would do to someone who did the same thing without having DHS called on me.

I'm not even sure I can share my unedited internal thought processes during our day here without someone taking something out of context and showing this post to a social network and a social worker.

Instead, I'll let him tell it. He's done it before, plus he has no idea what I'm thinking so he can't tell on me. I think it's a solid idea...so here it is, baby DX's account of our first full day together.