The Numbers Game: An Interview

Experience or exclusivity? umf encountered this topic at work the other day, and while life has damn near taught him to employ a 'dont ask, don't tell' policy (if she lies, you'll prolly wish she told the truth, if she tells the truth, you'll prolly wish she lied, if its the wrong answer, you'll definitely wish you never asked) just for the sake of discussion, it was asked: how many is too many? Is there a number? After a debate at work (the average response there was about 6, though I heard as low as 2 and as high as 10), I deemed the topic interesting enough to not only bring here, but get a documented viewpoint other than my own on. On that note, I reintroduce my man Blaze, who I figured would have a candid and interesting perspective on the subject...plus he don't do shit all day, which gives him time to contribute here.

umf: What's good, dude...good to see you again, you becoming a regular around these parts...

B: Ain't shit, tryna make a dollar out of 15 cent as usual...what's up with you cuz?

umf: Gettin a real job would help...but anyway I'm chillin...

B: Oh, you just gon try to play me like that? Shit I gets my money, I does what I do...don't hate cuz you gotta drag your sorry ass down Center City every day at 8 in the fuckin morning *laughs* that's why the Cowboys lost, too...

umf: Don't make me kill you...anymafuckinway, yeah we was discussing some shit at work and I kinda wanted to see what you had to say...is there such a thing as too much sexual experience when it comes to females...

B: Hell no...I love a bitch that know what she doin...a chick with some sex game is that work...I love me a freak jawn, specially when she know how to su--

umf: Can I finish the question, horny nigga? Like I was sayin, is there such a thing as too many partners for a chick you gonna be with seriously? If so, where's the line?

B: Ooooh aight...that's a lil different...see, if I'm just out for a nut, fuck it...I don't even care how you learned what you did, just do it again...but my for-real girl? Like wifey, whateva?

umf: Yup, that kind...

B: Hell yeah there's a line...I gotta kiss my main bitch...I ain't gon be kissin you all in your mouth if you been bouncin around on this nigga and that...I don't know where you been...can't turn a ho into a housewife, I don't give a fuck how many vowels you buy...

umf: True...but what's the difference? I mean, its all in the past right?

B: That's one way to look at it...another way is I don't wanna think about the fact that mad other men know where all my bitches tattoos is at. That shit ain't cool. I don't wanna be linked up for real with some nigga's former smutty buddy...all ran through and shit, since when that been hot? Yeah if you get around, I can lay down with you too...but I ain't puttin my mouth on you, and that's real. Smutbuckets is fun toys, but marrying one? It won't be that, oh no, it won't be that...

umf: So you feel strongly about this...

B: Hellfuckinyeah...nigga don't sit there and front...I know you, you a respectable dude...you want some dickholster by your side for life? Really? You gon be that one dude who marries the town harlot and shit? Somebody gotta be with her eventually I guess...

umf: I might think I'm a superhero sometimes, but it ain't Cap'n Save a Ho...don't even take it there...if I do get married its gon be a chick I can take home, all that good shit. I don't really want to draw the town whore for a life-partner no more than anybody else...I'm not puttin a ring on some girl who also functioned as a pelvic thrust heavy-bag for the block/class/workplace.

B: That's right...see, you feel where I'm comin from...I'm Blaze Lyonhart, I got a fuckin rep to uphold, and gettin hitched to a practice girl ain't gonna do too much for me...

umf: So you sayin this hypothetical girl you gon marry has to be a virgin?

B: I ain't goin that far...like I said, I always got love for a chick who know what she doin, and hell, she had to learn some shit somewhere at some point...but damn, she could keep it on lock a lil, I'm sayin...just cuz you know what you doin don't mean everybody got to...

umf: I see what you sayin...hard to argue. So where's the line? Throw out a number...

B: Hmm...guess it would depend on her age...what's the average number, I know you done asked other mafuckas this same question, ole quizzin ass nigga...

umf: *Laughs* The average is like 6...some say they want her fresh out the box, most niggas say like 5, some say like 8, some say they don't give a fuck....and say she's your age...

B: She 23? Hmm...*long pause* around 5 I can be really comfortable with...not too much higher than that, I say 7 is the extreme and even that's pushin it to the limit...once you come near that double-digit mark, that's when you talkin about bitches who went through that smut phase at some point...and that is not attractive.

umf: That's about right...me my own personal self, I'd prefer a couple...make that few...less if I'm actually spendin my life with this girl...don't necessarily wanna be first, just don't wanna be 12th. You're in the ballpark...but where did you come up with the 'smut phase' theory?

B: Its easy, really. You said the bitch 23, right? See, I figure most folk start foolin around at 16, 17, round there. 7 is a different dude every year since then, or maybe she didn't have a boyfriend for a while and caught a couple extra pipes...point being, it average out evenly.

umf: Your math ain't no better than mine, and you talkin some averages and arithmetic shit...sit down somewhere *laughs*

B: Even I can divide 7 by 7, mafucka...anyway, if she got 10+ on her, either she started early and is prolly a smeeze, or started late, made up for lost time and...prolly is one too...I'm not interested...

umf: *laughs* Is that a fact?

B: Nigga I said it, ain't I?

umf: Aight, so if a chick has everything you ever wanted but her stats ain't right, it ain't goin down?

B: Shit, I've done it before...I was with this bad jawn named Yolanda for like 3 months...bitch was sexy, could cook, bop game was on point, all that...I thought I loved that girl...

umf: Damn what happened?

B: We had the history lesson, that's what...after I found out her numbers, I was disgusted...8, and she was only 19! Bitch, did you even go to class in high school or was you too busy gettin smutted out in the locker room? I can't go for that...I broke up with her that day.

umf: Damn...that's cold...

B: Na fuck that *laughs* it wouldnta even got that far cuz I usually run a background check on every chick I might go with...but she wasn't from around, so nobody had her history.

umf:Run a background check? What you use girlfax.com?

B: Is that real or some dumb shit you made up?

umf: Yeah its real...just log on, enter the chick's pussy registration number and...of course its made up, you dumb truck...

B: Ion know, you the one with the computers and all that shit...

umf: Yeah...still shoulda known...movin on tho, what about the common rebuttal that you as a man been doin what you do for however long, why can't she?

B: Man fuck that shit *laughs* Why females only wanna be treated equal when its convenient for them? Males and females is 2 different things. See, we wired that way...to sow our seed and shit...its a male instinct. Bitches is hoes by choice... *laughs*

umf: That won't go over well with some folk...fuck it tho, its my site, speak your mind patna...


B: Na real shit...think about it like this...dudes play offense, they play D...and I don't want some broad who let every other dude take it to the hole...

umf: Very subtle. Well I think I got your general point...that settles it, I'm settin the general consensus number at 6.5.

B: How the fuck you fuck half a dude?

umf: Its a statistical representation, dickhead...don't be a dumb nigga all your life...well we're just about out of type for today, any final thoughts?

B: Yeah...fuck you and your statis...stastis...stas...stats!

umf: *laughs* Pick up a book sometime...anyway, always a pleasure, fam...lets do this again next time I get writer's block...

B: Yup...