Break Up

So I recently saw an Allstate commercial where that guy with the deep voice tells us the insurance company offers a new service called 'Breakup Assistance.' This means if you switch to them, an Allstate rep will be on the phone with you to help you tell your old insurance company "Its not you, its me." A novel idea, no?

Now, admittedly, the concept is kinda weak in the auto insurance world. I mean really, who's that sentimental about their relationship with their insurance company? "Listen Geico...we need to talk. I don't think this is workin out...we've had our good times, but I think it's best if you see other clients..." Yeah I guess some people might find that mildly uncomfortable, but...overall it's not that serious. Thx anyway, Allstate.

There are better applications I can think of tho...maybe cell phone companies should start offering that...now THOSE mafuckas are clingy. I canceled my Verizon service a few years back (and have been a proud and happy member of T-Mobile nation for over 5 years) and it took damn near a hour. She did everything but offer me sexual favors to keep their service...apparently 'I don't want your overpriced and shitty service anymore' means 'If you knock 3 dollars a month off my bill, I'll consider staying' in Verizonese.

Or hell, how about in real life? Hey, there's folk that won't take a hint in the matrix too. Maybe they should have like...an official hotline that you can call, explain your situation and have them have them generate a pre-made breakup/end friendship/get the fuck outta my face script on a 3-way call while you just sit there and cosign.

Hotline: "Hello is this Sonya?"

Sonya: "Yes it is, may I ask who's calling?"

H: "Yeah, this is Giving the Final Outreach calling on behalf of David...

S: Giving the Final Outreach?

H: Yes, GTFO is a service that intervenes for parties desiring an end to a difficult relationship...

S: An end? But I thought we were happy?

David: Who the hell is 'we'?

H: It's okay, I'll handle this, sir... Who the hell is "we"? Miss, my records show you that you two broke up months ago.

S: No, no...you misunderstand...that was just a little argument...

H: My records show that the argument in question involved the words "Bitch, I never want to see you again!"

S: Yeah, he always plays like that...

H: Is that true, David?

D: Man, hell no!

H: I see...well, Sonya, David has asked me to read the following to you.
"Stay the fuck out of my life. You're weird and creepy, and quite frankly I wish I had never met you. You smothered the living shit outta me for the entire 3 weeks we were together, and I tried to let you down easy...but that's not enough for you. I blocked your number, deleted you as a friend on Facebook and even got a new job just to get away from you, but you just won't stay away. We will never be together again because I don't fuckin like you...so just stop!"
That sound about right, David?

D: Hell yeah.

H: Good. Well I assume we have an understanding, Sonya? 5 seconds of silence counts as a 'yes'.

S: ...

H: All right, glad we could get that straightened out.

S: ...

H: Oh, and remember, every time you try to contact David after this call, it's 30 days in jail.

S: ...

H: Anything else, David?

D: I'm good...*hangs up*

H: Okay, well...I'm sorry you had to hear this way...enjoy your life, Sonya! *hangs up*



I think it would work at the right price....