Self-Medication: An Interview

Self-medication is a pretty prevalent part of the average person's life during these trying times we all share these days as well as during the inevitable fucked up patches of all our induvidual lives. Whether it's nicotine, Xanax, Ritalin or crystal meth (the last 2 are pretty much the same thing)...it's all an attempt to either forget about whatever random bullshit is going on in one's life or not give a fuck about it for a few blessed hours. My prescription of choice is Southern Comfort, but other folk have other ways of coping. Returning once again to shed light on his method is Blaze...

umf: Yo, what's up, man? *daps* Been a minute...

Blaze: Ah, you know...same shit, different urinal, cuz...

umf: Wait, what? You either fucked that cute little cliché up or...

B: Nigga I said what I said...I don't repeat myself, do I look like Mike Jones?

umf: Well actually...

B: Don't get your ass beat...

umf: Yeah, AIGHT, dude...anyway, I hit you up today to ask about self-medication...

B: Self...medication? What that mean?

umf: Oh, that Philly education...it's when folk give themselves drugs...

B: Oh aight...well shit I do that, fuck you think they call me Blaze for?

umf: I couldn't imagine why...hmm...maybe its cuz you smell like ganja 30 hours a day, walking around with your eyes the same color as Satan's asscrack?

B: *laughs* Yeah somethin like that...don't hate...you just mad cuz you don't got no tree.

umf: Nope, course not. I don't smoke...don't you know umf does not endorse the use of illegal...

B: Man, fuck all that fake ass disclaimer bullshit...you can lie to the rest of these mafuckas...but I know a weed smoker when I see one...and if you ain't one, you either was one or was born to be one.

umf: How you even figure you know what you talkin about?

B: Cuz you always laughin for no fuckin reason and your lips is the same color as Barack's...that's why, mafucka. Don't insult my intelligence, nigga.

umf: ...

B: Anyway, like I was sayin before you started tryna downtalk green and shit...marijuana is that work. Far as that self-medication shit you was talkin, it cures hangovers, headaches, pregnancy cramps, anorexia, pain in people who got cancer...and boredom.

umf: What about depression?

B: Ion know...depend on what type of depression you talkin about. If you one of those mafuckas who sit in they room cryin all day with sad music on repeat every time you get shot down by a bitch, weed ain't gon do nothin for your sorry ass. But if you had a rough day, or you just argued with your girl or...you know, that normal everyday bullshit...ain't nothin better that fallin back and puffin on a L a few times.

umf: Is that a fact?

B: Oh, you good and gahdamn right its a fact.

umf: Does it have any other benefits?

B: How long you tryna make this interview, my dude?

umf: *laughs* You have the floor...

B: Aight, not only do it cure or at least turn way down all that shit I mentioned before, it makes annoying mafuckas easier to deal with, make music sound bangin, it make food taste way better, make a good nut a great one, and keep me from smackin my baby moms.

umf: Damn, that sounds great...

B: Matta fact I think you could get some benefit out of it.

umf: No...you know I have a job and shit...

B: Man, fuck all that. When I seent you the other day, you lookded like a Scream mask your face was so long.

umf: Oh, that? Yeah, I'm just goin through a couple things right now...I'll be fine.

B: I know you will...we finna spark up. *produces blunt from seemingly nowhere*

umf: #1, where the fuck did you get that from? #2, Who is 'we'?

B: 1, I got a blunt holster in my jacket for quick access. Gotta stay prepared. And 2, me and you, Anthony.

umf: That's sad...and what did I tell you about that government name stuff?

B: Not a damn thing ima listen to...listen nigga, if you do not smoke this shit, we have a problem.

umf: *laughs* Oh yeah, Denzel? And what problem is that?

B: I'm not your friend no more...

umf: Damn I haven't heard that one since 3rd grade...fine though...it's Saturday, I ain't got no job (that piss tests) and I ain't got shit to do...

B: *laughs* That's the spirit...come on...

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umf: Uh...and we're back.. *giggles*

B: Now tell me you don't feel better...

umf: I would...but uh...that would be a lie...you know, I gotta preserve my journalistic integrity. I feel like a thousand bucks.

B: 'Journalistic integrity'? Nigga there ain't shit journalistic about nothin on here...

umf: That's factual. *laughs*

B: Now what about those life problems you was talkin about earlier?

umf: Wait, who's givin the interview here?

B: Do it matter?

umf: Good point...fuck it I guess...and to answer your question...what problems?

B: Azactly. So we're just about out of ty--

umf: Whoa, whoa, whoa...slow down there champ...still my site...that's my line *laughs*

B: Respect, respect...ain't gon step on your toes...go head and do your thing...

umf: So we're just about out of type for today, any final thoughts?

B: Hey hey, yay yay...

umf: *laughs* Gotcha. Well, its been good havin you around today, stop through sooner next time...

B: Aight, dawg...wait...I'm hungry as shit, you tryna go to IHOP or some shit? A nigga need sustenance.

umf: Spell that shit, and I'll pay for yours...

B: S-O-S-S...

umf: *laughs* Just stop it, you just made Marcus Garvey cry..come on let's go...