*fittedwearer's note: After some discussion at work and with various male friends of mine, we (Y chromosome folk) have come up with some questions/phrases we'd like y'all never to utter again. Whether they're annoying, stupid or just plain inappropriate...just take 'em out of your playbook completely. All right, ladies and gents, here we go (in no particular order)
1) Do you miss me?: (Especially less than 24 hours after last meeting): This classic used to be kind of cute, but when asked 12 times a day, it makes us want to punch other people's children. Please scale it back a tad...if we miss you, we'll tell you. Seriously.
2) We need to talk: See, the problem with this is WE don't do a gahdamn thing when you say this. Just say what you really wanna say...'I wanna talk at you.' On some real shit, we probably still won't listen...but at least we'll respect your honesty.
3) You care about *insert object or activity prized by male partner* more than me: This is a favorite of girlfriends/wives/'special friends'/clingy females. (Quick note to the guys: In the case of the latter 2 groups, the answer should always be 'Yeah, and?' You do, right? Don't put your balls in her pocketbook before y'all even have a title, damn.) Of course, if youre the significant other, we might still care about our Mustang or guitar or football team or personal time just as much as you (or maybe more...but he's not gonna let you know that if he wants to keep ya...) but it doesn't mean we like you any less. We just like y'all differently, that's all. Forcing us to choose is apples and oranges.Whatever interest your man has satisfies him in ways you can't...and hopefully that goes the other way around too.
4) What are you doing? (more than 3x in 5 minutes): The same thing I was 30 seconds ago, chick. This prolly means y'all really don't have anything to say to us, and you might should go away/hang up. Harsh realities...
5) What are we now?- A favorite of 'special friends'/females in untagged relationships, its usually asked right after sex. The real answer is 'the same thing we was 20 minutes ago, bitch', but if he's nice, he'll try to come up with a spoonful of bullshit to feed you. Its hard enough even seeing straight after a good one, let alone coming up with some sweet sounding song and dance. Let's just skip it from now on, aight?
6) Do you think I'm pretty?- If you have to ask, the answer is no about 97.3% of the time. If you have to ask, he doesn't answer, and you have to ask again...there are strong odds you pug fugly and he's trying to be nice. Why be ungrateful when he ignored the fact that you're not cute and is spendin time with you anyway? That's a big favor. Respect that, and leave it alone.
7) Do I look fat in this?: Yes. Yes you do.
8) Is she prettier than me?: The thing is, females never ask this question when its actually a contest...they'll ask when fuckin Amerie or somebody walks by. You asked because the answer is 'yes' and you wanna hear a 'no'. What kind of bass ackwards reverse psychology bullshit is that!? That's why whenever I get asked, the answer is yes. You could have her by 4 points and I'll still tell you yes. (Course, the answer COULD actually be yes, but you'll never know the difference...bwahaha!)
9) How long will you be gone?: As long as it takes for us to get back, honey. See, we're partially aware of the confusion with this one...we just wasn't aware we signed up to be on on parole as a condition of dealing with you. Chill out, sexy...we'll come back to you eventually. We're willing to tell you where we're going (most of the time) but hell...sometimes we don't even know when we'll be back...
10) Are you lying to me/cheating on me?: If we are lying (yes, we lie...everybody does sometimes, Jim Carrey taught us that in Liar, Liar...as long as its not too much and nobody gets severely hurt, its generally fine...) what the fuck makes you think we're gonna blow our cover? I like to have a little fun with it..."Yeah, I'm lying to you...everything I say is a lie...including that sentence."
Oh right, the cheating part...he's not gonna tell the truth if he is, he's gonna get mad you even asked if he ain't. In both cases it's probably gonna start a completely needless confrontation. You know if your dude is fuckin around on you or not. If you honestly ask yourself, you know. It may be that you know he is and are lying to yourself, it might be you know he's not and just want to be aggravating. Either way, it doesn't solve a damn thing. The general point is you're not gonna get an answer that makes you happy...so why ask us?
Those are most of the main ones...so yeah, we'd 'preciate if y'all could...y'know...not. We'll get you something nice for your birthday in return...if we remember :p