November 14th is a special day in my world...it's my sister Amber's birthday. Yup...you're 18 today, which makes me feel old as shit. I can still remember this day in 1991, my life changed forever...she came, wrapped in her little pink blanket. As 3-year-old me had never been told whether mommy was having a boy or a girl, I reacted with immediate disappointment on not getting the little brother I wanted. "Awwman! I don't want a girl! Why didn't you go to the boy baby hospital!?" I howled angrily. (That's how I thought it worked back then...boys came out of one hospital, girls came out another. I was a stupid kid, fuckin' sue me lol) That was a bad first impression...no one should start out a siblinghood by wanting to punt little sis out of a window.
I'm kinda ashamed to admit it, but I zealously resisted her presence at first. See, when a new baby arrives, the old baby often gets overlooked by adoring folk wanting to "seethebabyholdthebabykissthebabyawwlookatthewittlebaby!" I had that, and my parents all to myself before Amber came along, and I resented her ruining my only-child-status. I showed this distaste with such stunts as drinking all the milk out her bottles (maybe if she didn't eat, she would shrink away to nothing), hiding her pacifier (if she won't shut up, maybe they'll get sick of her and put her out) and smacking her in the back of the head when nobody was looking (just to show the kid who ran shit). Over time, I was beaten enough for doing things of this nature to where I gave up and simply accepted that I had a sister and had to be a big brother...whether I liked it or not.
I eventually learned to love her. Amber turned out to be a pretty cool kid after all...we grew up together, got in trouble together (I appreciated her never snitching on me...even from the early days, a "Who did this?!" from our parents in response to a broken/colored on/ruined item was met with 2 blank stares and a bunch of "uh..." Since neither of us would tell, we both usually got a belt workout.) and pretty much became good friends. Few things made me happier than making her laugh and seeing that pretty gap toothed smile of hers. (Seriously, it was Michael Strahan status when she was young.) We fought and argued like any brother and sister, got mad, didn't speak for a while, all that shit...but we always ended up cool again...even after I accipurposely ran her over with my bike when I was 8 during a game of "Monster Truck". (Sorry again, sis...)
I learned to take pride in my bigbro role. We had our childhood together, both of us became teenagers, and we still kept close. I watched her blossom into a very special young woman with that same slightly-less-gapped glowing smile. I protected her, bossed her around a little, beat her up every once in a while...all the duties of an older brother. Then it happened. Amber got sick. I won't depress you with the details, but it affected her life drastically. After a while, she couldn't go to school or even outside any more. She's been sick for about 3 or 4 years now...teenage years, which means she's missed out on a lot of important experiences like prom, graduation, and seeing her big brother firing frozen footballs at the back of some horny little Axe-bodyspray-smelling 16 year old boy as he chases him out of the house for trying to love up on his sis. I think every day about how unfair that is, to (hopefully) snap back to reality one day and have no memory of what are supposed to be some of the best years of her life. It fuckin sucks, for lack of even wanting a better word.
So today's her birthday...she's supposed to be out somewhere celebrating with her friends...but her friends don't call much any more (mostly due to the fact that she's rarely in a condition to talk) and she'll just have to stay in the house like every other day for the past couple years. It's ineffably fucked up. Not to get too emo here, but I saw her this morning, realizing for the first time that my sister was a legal adult...and had to keep myself from crying. Some things I just don't understand...maybe none of us do. Amber, I know you probably won't read this, at least for a while...I just hope one day you'll be better and I can have my wonderful little sis back. Even more, I hope that one day you can experience all the happiness you were supposed to have in the priceless years you lost. I love you Amber. (Even though you're not a boy...)
I'm kinda ashamed to admit it, but I zealously resisted her presence at first. See, when a new baby arrives, the old baby often gets overlooked by adoring folk wanting to "seethebabyholdthebabykissthebabyawwlookatthewittlebaby!" I had that, and my parents all to myself before Amber came along, and I resented her ruining my only-child-status. I showed this distaste with such stunts as drinking all the milk out her bottles (maybe if she didn't eat, she would shrink away to nothing), hiding her pacifier (if she won't shut up, maybe they'll get sick of her and put her out) and smacking her in the back of the head when nobody was looking (just to show the kid who ran shit). Over time, I was beaten enough for doing things of this nature to where I gave up and simply accepted that I had a sister and had to be a big brother...whether I liked it or not.
I eventually learned to love her. Amber turned out to be a pretty cool kid after all...we grew up together, got in trouble together (I appreciated her never snitching on me...even from the early days, a "Who did this?!" from our parents in response to a broken/colored on/ruined item was met with 2 blank stares and a bunch of "uh..." Since neither of us would tell, we both usually got a belt workout.) and pretty much became good friends. Few things made me happier than making her laugh and seeing that pretty gap toothed smile of hers. (Seriously, it was Michael Strahan status when she was young.) We fought and argued like any brother and sister, got mad, didn't speak for a while, all that shit...but we always ended up cool again...even after I accipurposely ran her over with my bike when I was 8 during a game of "Monster Truck". (Sorry again, sis...)
I learned to take pride in my bigbro role. We had our childhood together, both of us became teenagers, and we still kept close. I watched her blossom into a very special young woman with that same slightly-less-gapped glowing smile. I protected her, bossed her around a little, beat her up every once in a while...all the duties of an older brother. Then it happened. Amber got sick. I won't depress you with the details, but it affected her life drastically. After a while, she couldn't go to school or even outside any more. She's been sick for about 3 or 4 years now...teenage years, which means she's missed out on a lot of important experiences like prom, graduation, and seeing her big brother firing frozen footballs at the back of some horny little Axe-bodyspray-smelling 16 year old boy as he chases him out of the house for trying to love up on his sis. I think every day about how unfair that is, to (hopefully) snap back to reality one day and have no memory of what are supposed to be some of the best years of her life. It fuckin sucks, for lack of even wanting a better word.
So today's her birthday...she's supposed to be out somewhere celebrating with her friends...but her friends don't call much any more (mostly due to the fact that she's rarely in a condition to talk) and she'll just have to stay in the house like every other day for the past couple years. It's ineffably fucked up. Not to get too emo here, but I saw her this morning, realizing for the first time that my sister was a legal adult...and had to keep myself from crying. Some things I just don't understand...maybe none of us do. Amber, I know you probably won't read this, at least for a while...I just hope one day you'll be better and I can have my wonderful little sis back. Even more, I hope that one day you can experience all the happiness you were supposed to have in the priceless years you lost. I love you Amber. (Even though you're not a boy...)
2 comments:
There is so much I want to say to you but there isn't enough room. Once again, dude, you make me love you even more than I do now...
Awww I'm so glad you backlinked to this post recently. That's lovely AJ. I hope your sister recovers one day and that she'll see how much her ol' bro loves her ;-)
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