PSA: Flash Mobs

So there's a new activity that seems to be getting popular among the younger generation, at least here in Philly. The kiddies these days, bored with childhood games like Red Rover, kickball, and dodgeball (its a shame, I was a dodgeball demigod back in the day...Neo from the Matrix can fuck himself, I def invented that backwards lean to dodge a projectile way back in the mid 90's...that's another topic tho.) have taken to organizing groups called "flash mobs". It's very interesting trend....and an equally disturbing one.

In case you're unfamiliar with the phenomenon, a flash mob usually starts on some friendsite or other with a mass message to a bunch of bored middle schoolers basically saying "let's go fuck something up at this time at this place", which they all respond and rsvp for. (Maybe this is a bit random, but I always think about if we had we had MySpace or something during the civil rights movement...then kids prolly would have used it to organize marches and sit-ins and shit, now they use it to gather unruly mobs for wanton vandalism...sometimes I fear for the future of society...) They repost it and tell some friends, who repost it and tell some friends...you get the idea.

They then show up 200+ deep, ready for a productive session of pointless tomfoolery. In the latest case, a throng of skinny-jean wearing heathens showed up at the Gallery (it's the main shopping destination in Center City, for the non-Phillyfolk...it's nowhere near as classy as it sounds tho lol) and began to pillage. They used the Macy's as a breach point and ran through the length of the mall leaving a swath of destruction in their wake. Mannequins were knocked down, carefully arranged displays torn asunder, '40% off!' signs ripped from their stands and flung around like toys...ever seen somebody's apartment get tossed by the cop on "Law and Order" or "CSI" or any other pig drama? That's the general idea, except in a 3 block mall in Philly instead of a 2 bedroom loft in Manhattan.

I guess I can kinda see how destroying shit that doesn't belong to you would appeal to a teenager, I can't say I've never broken anything for no good reason (many times as a result of something that happened during a Cowboys game) ...but that's not where it ends. Some even go so far as to shove folk, knock kids down and attack old folk just trying to get some indoor exercise. (And that's really where they fuckin up...I'll get back to that later tho...) Then, just as quickly as it began, it ends...the kids, satisfied that they've broken enough shit to prove whatever point they were trying to, disperse like bugs under a rock that just got lifted and go back to wherever it is they came from. The ambushed victims are left to spatula themselves off the floor and the store owners and mall personnel are left to pick up the pieces. Good clean fun, right?

Wrong. Damn wrong. See, amassing yourself on Facebook for a cause is one thing, but I really think if the best benefit you can get out of social networking is access to hundreds of other little dipshits to go around terrorizing people with, you really don't need it. (I blame Mark Zuckerberg...if it wasn't for you and this "let's make Facebook for everybody" bullshit, this wouldn't have happened!) Besides just kind of being a dick move overall, flash-mobbing is just not safe for the victims....or the perpetrators!

Really, how long til some graphic tee and swag rag wearing youngster catches a body like a male cheerleader for bowling over the wrong mafucka on a mad trash dash through some store or other? (Real shit...you might be underage, but you still can get fucked up...I guarantee if a pack of 16 year old snotnoses in deep V-neck t-shirts tries to accost me in the mall for no damn reason while I'm minding my own wax, they're all getting stuffed in the same trashcan...my fists don't card.) Do we really want kids to start dying over Twitter? I don't....and that's why I'm issuing this PSA. Kids...I implore you...stop the madness! No more flash mobs. Sit yo ass down somewhere, sport. Don't you have homework to do anyway? Sheesh...