Inventions Nobody Fuckin Asked For: Vortex Bottle

Sometimes I see things on commercials that are pretty pointless...but this one especially offends me because it involves alcohol. Apparently, Miller Lite, tired of making watery, mediocre beer in boring, regular bottles, put in years of research on how to improve the experience of drinking it. Eventually, assholephysicists came up with a new 'innovation' to make the act of pouring a watery, mediocre beer more fun...or something. This groundbreaking new technology is called the Vortex Bottle, and it's...awesome?

The Vortex Bottle, amazing as it is, works on a pretty simple principle...grooves cut into the neck of the bottle capture the beer as it flows past, swishing and swirling it as it is poured into a waiting mug. (and making it flat in the process...an added bonus! I would have even thought it was pretty cool if it was for juice or hard liquor, but something designed to deliberately disturb a carbonated beverage makes no sense...) Ooooooh, look at the spinning torrent of semi-undrinkable piss water cascading from the bottle! It makes me want to go out and buy a whole case of shitty beer to share with friends and family just so they can witness this phenomenon for themselves! They also claim the bottle lets you pour faster too, but really, pouring a beer takes what...7 seconds? Over a lifetime, the jiffies you would theoretically save by using this wonderful device might add up to the time I took to write this sentence...so yeah, I'm good.

All jokes aside, this is really just a transparent attempt to use a pretty stupid gimmick to boost sales by tricking folk into a subpar brew...and that's just wrong. Whoever came up with this should be waterboarded (better yet, beerboarded...there's a good use for Miller Lite!) from a giant Vortex Bottle until he admits as much...if the technology really works, the liquid will pour faster and get him to break in less time. That's really the only way I can see this being beneficial to us in any way...until then, it's just another invention nobody fuckin asked for.