Special Moves: the Bartop Express

The Bartop Express is one of the techniques I've been absolutely dying to use in a combat situation. This move, seen in basically any movie that involves a barfight, is a devastating and embarrassing maneuver designed to neutralize an attacker in a spectacular manner...in certain circles, having the move performed on you irrevocably soils your name and requires that you move far, far away to avoid the shame. The diffuculty factor is high, and it requires some strength...but if you can pull it off, you'll be the baddest mafucka in your corner bar. Instructions follow:

1) After being attacked, (this is purely a defensive maneuver, don't go puttin folk on the Express that didn't do anything, that's bad karma...) draw attention to the fact that you have been accosted. Anything from "Sir, I demand satisfaction for the injury you have done me!" to "Ay, dude what the fuck!" will work here...use your own personal taste.

2) With your dominant arm, cock your elbow and raise it shoulder high. Twist your torso in that direction to generate potential energy for step 3.

3) Swing the cocked elbow with as much force as you can muster directly at the jaw/temple of your foe. This is called an "elbow smash" and stuns your opponent so that you can perform the rest of the move with minimal resistance. (If you're too short to elbow smash your opponent in the face, you're probably not strong enough for steps 4-7 either...just kick the guy in the shins and walk away.)

4) Lunge at your target while they're still stunned from the elbow smash. With both hands, grab them by the front of their shirt under the shoulders slightly outside the collarbone. This is a critical step, failure to establish a firm grip will result in a loss of control and throw off the rest of the process. Place your feet shoulder width apart to form a power base for step 5.

5) While ensuring to bend your knees for maximum power and comfort, hoist your victim onto the bartop. Drop them face down of the surface of the bar. (Optionally, a second stun tactic can be performed here to ensure their cooperation. Grab the back of their head with both hands and dash the target's face into the bartop. This will give you about 5-10 more seconds to adjust your technique should you need to do so.) Grip the waistband on the pants with one hand and the collar of the shirt with the other. If possible, use the dominant hand for the waistband...it's the equivalent of rear wheel drive on a car.

6) All aboard! With your grip established on your foe, begin to run towards the end of the bar, dragging your helpless opponent down the surface. If you're drank-conscious like me, you can weave your opponent in and out to avoid upsetting the dranks of others, but if you're going for effect, you can just bulldoze them through so Grand Marnier, Blue Moon and pineapple juice gets all in their eyes and shit.

7) At the end of the bartop, give the poor asshole one final heave, sending them careening into the wall. Some find it satisfying at this point to deliver a line over the victim's slumped, lifeless body such as "last call, dickhead", "this round's on you", "you just got served"...but that's up to you. The guy is just as fucked up either way.

There you go! Now you know the powerful secret of the Bartop Express. Work on this Special Move in your spare time, and you too can be prepared next time somebody grabs a beer bottle by the neck with the intention of breaking it over the bartop to form a crude poking device.