wtf is Anthonism?

*fittedwearer's note: I don't usually get this serious, but the question was posed, (about a month ago lol...sry about that lollygag, whoever asked...) just what do I believe in as far as religion goes? It's not the first time I've been asked, and I don't have a cute little quip that thorougly explains it...so here ya go! Oh yeah, and I'm not trying to shit on anybody's religion...it may seem like I'm taking a lot of shots at Christianity (I have nothing really against it...it's just the biggest one around these parts...) I'm just viewing it from the outside looking in. So, if you get offended by anything I type here, forgive me...you guys have to anyway...lol...

A lot of people are shocked to find out I'm not a Christian. I was born into a Christian family, I was raised Christian, I went to Catholic school (mass 3 times a week, confession, fully clothed ruler spankings...all that good stuff...) as a kid...I even have a very, very Christian-sounding government name (which is why I go by "AJ", there's not too many of those in the bible) ...but I'm not. Even more scandalous, I'm not even 100% sure there is a God. I would like to believe, but the dude's never talked to me...if he's real, he created me with enough mental capacity to ask questions and obtain proof before committing to anything, especially something as important as...you know...my eternal fate after I die. (Whenever you wanna chat, just holla, big guy...or girl...)

It's not something I throw out on a first date, usually people hear that and red flags go up and I'm automatically some degenerate, debaucherous, irreligious asshole with no moral compass whatsoever. Some even go as far as to say anybody who doesn't believe in what they believe will suffer a horrible fate in the afterlife. (Its crazy...do you realize if that line of thought is true, Ghandi, great and peaceful man that he was, is crisping up in the fires of hell right now? That doesn't make any damn sense. I really hate that...how is somebody a bad person because they believe something different about something that nobody knows for a fact? That's like getting in an office tournament pool and hating anybody who picks a different team than you to win it all...mafucka, don't neither of y'all KNOW who's gonna win!) That's not true...I have a moral compass, thxmuch...in fact I do have a religion...its just that only I am officially a member for now. (Which doesn't make it any less credible...at one time the only Christian was Jesus.) I refer to that belief system as Anthonism.

Now, before you go off on me about self-worship and other shit that implies that you need to read the whole thing before commenting, it's not about that at all (even though if you're gonna say basically say "good job!" to somebody and thank them for all their work in your life...it might as well be you if you don't know who else to address it to). It does have a few rules about not bothering men during sporting events and the mandatory ingestion of sacramental nachos, but that's not what it's really about either. It's more of a karma type thing. I firmly believe the things you do will come back to you...the worst thing you've ever done, your monthly good Samaritan moment, and everything in between. It may not be today or tomorrow, but that shit will come back.

In Anthonism, we recognize that people ain't perfect. They weren't born that way, they don't live that way, and if they were perfect when they died, they wouldn't be dead, now would they? I think the universe will give you what you put into it...if you generally do more good than harm (or try to...I feel like whatever system of balance there is, whether it be an entity or a force of some kind can sense the intentions behind your actions) you'll be aight. If you're a person who goes around trying to hurt people, you're fucked.

Simple as that...no services (if God is everywhere all the time, why do you have to go to church to talk to him?), no induction or excommunication (you believe when you believe and when you no longer do, you don't...you can think for yourself, right?) no official ceremonies (you don't even HAVE to get married...if you and your partner know the nature of your relationship, that's good enough...) it just is what it is. It's simple enough for me to keep track of while being structured enough to keep me at least reasonably fit to live in a society. I like my unorganized religion...

What distanced me from "the real church", (Ever notice that the only religion people think has any credibility is their own? Everything else is "mythology" and "folklore"...um, you know at one time the bible was just a popular storybook too, right? Just sayin...) you may ask? Was it the fact that some of the worst people in the world show up to church every Sunday, saved and sanctified? No...that helped, but it wasn't THE reason. Was it the fact that some of my recreational lifestyle choices conflict with traditional religious views? Nope...if I believed that my god would really have a problem with it, I wouldn't do it. (If there is a God, I don't really think he gives a holy shit if I smoke or not...if he created it, he made it do what it does for a reason...in my opinion anyway. He or She would have much more important concerns, like that oil spill or those earthquakes...) It's not that serious to either of us. Did the "we're right, and everybody else is wrong" thing get to me? Nope...I can be a little opinionated myself sometimes. So...what?

Basically, I think the whole way some folk view their deity of choice is just wrong. A lot of religious people seem to see their god as a jealous girlfriend, somebody that will get mad at you for having a little fun or looking at other girls, even out of curiousity. (They make God seem so petty and insecure...really, if you have some doll you brought from a souvenir shop in another country, it's an idol and he's gonna get mad and send you to hell? That seems a bit extreme...like breaking up with your boyfriend because you find a King or Maxim magazine in his room.) That really doesn't sound like somebody I want to worship.

All that aside, what doomed me in the church was the question "why?" Why does God seem to hate all the same people y'all hate? Why would God knowingly make imperfect creations and punish them forever for making harmless but imperfect choices? Why would God be upset just because I recognize that the beliefs of others have merit? Why would God ever be fine with some of his children killing others in his name? The thing about the church is they don't like too many "whys"...anything you ask that doesn't have an answer they'll tell you to "take on faith". If you read umf or know me at all, you know "why" is one of my favorite words..."taking it on faith" doesn't answer the damn question, and that just doesn't work for me. Until I get something I can believe with my own eyes, "faith" is just a synonym for "I don't know"...and I don't. Nobody alive does. But what I know I can believe in is myself...and that's why I'm a proud Anthonist.