Facebook Ettiquette: A Field Guide

*fittedwearer's note: this little guideline thingy was born out of personal research into the habits of the average Facebooker and some outside consulting from umf unofficial contributor Shannon, who provided some annoyances that I missed when I was gonna post this the first go-round. So yeah...thanks for that.

The cyberworld of Facebook is a fascinating phenomenon here in the future. (I should know, I write about it like twice a week.) This forum of interpersonal communication is as much a part of some peoples lives as the computers and phones they browse it on...like it or not (and who doesnt?) social networking is the newest frontier in human interaction. However, as with the frontiers of the Old West, lawlessness, monkeyshines and general. wildinoutitude rule the plains, mostly because of the lack of some sort of generally accepted code of decorum, a social contract, if you will.

Now, far be it from me to be some Miss Manners ass dude and tell you what you can and can't type online, I'm as big a believer in free speech as the Founding Fathers themselves, you just may not know what a fool you look like in front of your friends and associates by your own doing, and are in need of some guidelines to help you not be THAT Facebook friend we all have (or "had", in my case...I'm also a big believer in "friendslist quality control" aka deleting mafuckas). Shit, do what you want, I know I do...but at least with some written ettiquette we can be sure you're that big a douche on purpose and not out of ignorance...all right, here we go.

1) Take it easy on the middle names that you don't actually have. I bet my entire retirement fund that on your birth certificate is not printed "Arielle getmoney Houston" or "BigSteve GotBitches". Nobody knows you as that in real life, and when "Cheyenne MissHotLava Stevens" requests someone, it's a fact that she's 67% less likely to be accepted than just Cheyenne Stevens, the hostess from when you worked at Fridays.
*exceptions made for real-life pseudonyms known and recognized by at least 5 people you know, and references to one's children, because that's cute.

2) It's public, dickhead. If I hear one more complaint about how people are "stalking" or "checking up on" a person because somebody read something THAT PERSON put on Facebook, I'm emailing them a swift chop in the throat. It's public...you have the right to remain silent, but when you shout your business into the streets, you can't be surprised that people know. It's your fault. You sound stupid, cut that shit out.


3) Keep autolikes to a minimum. We all know you like what you said, you said it. If you're posting something and all of a sudden think "I hate when I talk about this, I really wish I would shut the fuck up with this shit", you should log off of Facebook and have yourself measured for a straitjacket. We assume you agree with what you said, you don't have to tell us. It's like writing a review of a book you wrote...straight out of the department of redundancy department, redundant division.

4) Please try to keep at least 5 minutes between status updates. Why are you on my news feed 4 times straight? Take 5, junkie. Only a highly schizophrenic person changes their mind in a noteworthy way in less time than that, and most of these offenders are something like:

Gina: is going to the store, hope that cute cashier is there ;) (12:56 pm)
Gina: is at the store, getting roman noodles, cheese curls and Slim Jims for dinner tonight...who wants a plate lol (1:01 pm)
Gina: is in line, did I forget my debit card? Silly me.. (1:04 pm)
Gina: says never mind, I found it...it's always in the last place you look lmao (1:07 pm)
Gina: is disappointed he's not here grr...when do I get to see my coin counting cutie again? (1:11 pm)

Seriously, nobody even gives part of a fuck. Shaddap.

4b) Please keep it to 10 updates per day. (that means turn off that FUCKING Twitter sync...don't bring that shit over here...) It would have been less, but I've been known to get a bit trigger happy during Cowboys games and may post as many as 5 in a 3.5 hour period. Shit like that happens, but 10 gives enough leeway for pretty much any shareworthy insights one may have on a given day...any more than that, and you're probably babbling.

5) Keep the sex talk to a PG-13 level. We're all grown here, but nobody wants to read that "you're looking for some type-A dick tonight", that "you just finished eating your boyfriend's butt" or that "you can still smell the girls from the party on your jeans and are craving fish sticks". Seriously, it was hard for me to even type that...keep your freaknastiness to yourself.

6) Please, don't tag people in pictures that have nothing to do with them. It's one thing to be tagged in a picture that you may not be in but that the tagger may think you would find funny/relevant, but quite another to be tagged in some party promotion flyer and get 26,745 emails in the next hour about some bullshit party you have no plans on attending. Tag these nuts.

7) No e-vangelism. If you're an unholy degenerate fuck offline, don't try to have a sanctified ministry persona online with a bunch of bible quotes and scriptures and all that. There are people who know you when your computer's not on, and they know that's not you...you should too.

8) Try to keep it to folk you know/will know/kinda know. This isn't MySpace for Landry's sake...show a little class. Nobody has 2,807 friends. I can't name 2,807 people without a fuckin phonebook. If there's a God, and he had a Facebook page, maybe him...but not you, and you know it. Chill.

9) N0 TYpN LYke D¡sS. I won't even continue the joke, that's how much it pisses me off. You look like the world's most illiterate fucktard. Seriously, using "q's" as "g's" is not cute, unique, cool or mysterious...it's just dumb. Quit it...it's twentyten, talking normally online is accepted in most online communities, including Facebook.

9b) NO ALLCAPS! I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE YELLING AT ME! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SO LOUD FOR!? UNLESS YOU'RE SAMUEL L. JACKSON, THIS IS NOT YOUR SPEAKING VOICE...SO SHUT THE FUCK UP WITH THAT!

10) Please, only one album of "Me!" photos, especially if they're 452 of the same pic of you in different shirts. We know what "You!" look like already..."You!" just need attention...and attractive or not, that's not sexy.

11) Please, keep the family business off of Facebook. Your family was with you before Facebook, but if you don't stop airing the dirty laundry of your family for outsiders to see, they won't be there afterwards. Nobody wins when family fights on Facebook. You have to see this person at cookouts and reunions until you log off of life itself, so take a cue from "The Godfather" and never go against the family. (Relationship arguments, however, are hilarious and therefore welcome)

12) Wait a week before changing relationship status. 64% of hook-ups and break-ups run their course in that time or less. Stop switching back and forth, you're confusing people! At the very least, put it on "It's Complicated" and leave the shit alone.

13) No pagejacking. Now this is a sad new thing I'm seeing. People, having offended somebody they know to the point of being deleted, will go as far as to go to a mutual friend's page and make incendiary remarks (toldya lol) about the person they can't talk to anymore that everyone involved is sure to see, therefore putting the neutral party in the middle and causing much-unneeded drama. When you get deleted, don't get angry, just get away...maybe fuck yourself for a while.

14) No album of your exes. It may seem like a good idea to some, but it's not. No good can come of this. It is ridicule of some kind just waiting to happen. Don't do it to yourself.

15) Poke wars must either be ended after the 7th exchanged poke or continue forever. Nobody has ever figured out the point of poking somebody on Facebook, other than maybe to remind them you exist. After 4 times, they either remember, wish they didn't, and figure that poking you back a couple times is enough attention for you to fall back into oblivion or are just as bored as you are and are game for an unwinnable power struggle of pokes...you'll be able to tell.

Well, that's about it...consider these changes to your second life, and Facebook should be a more enjoyable place for everybody. Of course, there are those who will read this and go "who the fuck are you, how are you supposed to tell me what to do on Facebook?" That's the beauty of it...even if you keep on with the bullshit, that's more post material for me...in the words of Alonzo from "Training Day", I win anymafuckinway...lol. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.