GAP Assembly @ umfJHS

fittedwearer's note: Well, if you tuned in yesterday, you know that I wrote a somewhat controversial post (well...most of them are, but this is the first one that I've actually been called out on by multiple people...emails and all, I feel like Imus lol...) about the new definition of "bullying" and why kids just need to sack up and deal for their own good. This might be where you're expecting a retraction or some kind of backpedaling apologetic amendment, but if you know me at all you know that ain't forthcoming as long as I believe what I'm typing. In yesterday's post, I mentioned a new program for school-age kids called GAP *grow.a.pair*, and although I really wasn't planning to elaborate (...for once haha...it was kind of a regular throwaway joke), I think it best that I outline the character of this program in the hopes that folk can better understand why our children should have to cope with knuckleheads to some extent. (If you still don't see my general point after this though, ain't a whole lot I can tell you...) Aight, let's grab a shovel and get this started lol...

*Runs out on stage to crowd of applauding middle schoolers, throws a few copies of Madden and Justin Beiber CDs into assembly to bribe kids into paying attention a few extra minutes, sits AC Slater-style, facing chirrens on chair turned backwards*

Hey umfJHS! What's good with y'all today? Let me talk to you guys for a minute...I'm gonna hit y'all with some real talk, and probably use some language you don't want to repeat, ever...when adults can hear you, anyway...I know you guys are practicing, heard you in the hallways on the way in. Hey...I'm cool, its whatever, I won't snitch on you.

*pauses for nervous giggles*

Fuck!

*kids laugh harder, Principal cocks eyebrow*

Just breaking the ice, Princy...remember the contract!

*pulls from back pocket binding legal agreement stating free reign and noncensorship during assembly and waves around...because bullying is just fine for adults as long as it's notarized and witnessed...*

Check this out, though...it's hard growing up, isn't it? Yeah I know...hell, I'm still struggling with it...but there's one part of growing up that can be as easy as you make it, and that's bullies. I know, I saw the same videotape they showed y'all last week...bullies suck. Peep though...they're gonna be here, there and everywhere else and no matter what kind of no-bullying pledge they make you guys sign, some mouth breathing career D student is gonna try to make your life harder at some point.

Yup...despite what your teachers may tell you, bullies can be a problem all your life and unless you get your coping game up, you're in for a bumpy ride. You have to change the way you see bullying...it's not something that should terrorize your life, it's a learning experience! Let's go over what bullies can teach you based on the methods they use.

-Exclusion: Ever been told you can't sit at the cool kids' table or picked last in kickball every day? Well, for the second one it might just mean you suck at kickball, but in twentyten they call that "exclusion" and it's a form of bullying. I've been there once or twice...but the crazy thing about the adult world is you're way more likely to be excluded there! I told you I was gonna be honest...and odds are you'll be excluded in your life. Whether you get cut from the basketball team, don't get a prom date, don't make the line on a fraternity or sorority, get laid off from a job or get told your credit is so bad they won't accept your debit card, exclusion is a part of life. It's not fun, I get that...but it's gonna happen. It's best you start dealing with it early so you don't slip into a spiraling depression when somebody won't follow you on Twitter because it's the 1st time in life you've been left out.

-Insults: Name-calling and insults are another bully tactic...if you let it be. Here's the thing about insults...not only do they cause you no physical pain of any kind or even have to be true when spoken...but they have comebacks! Learn a few (start from "I know you are, but what am I?" and work your way up.) and see if you can't joke your way out of the hot seat...you eventually develop something called wit. It might be the most useful coping mechanism I had when I was a kid...believe it or not I was "bullied" at one point in time...and it served me well. I even make people laugh on Facebook with it...and I know you guys like that, am I right?

-Backbiting/Rumors: Another way somebody can "bully" you is to talk behind your back. You know, Briana did this and I heard Josh did that. I know how it is, y'all...but guess what? Adults do it too! More, if anything... Let me ask y'all a favor, can all the young ladies put their hands in the air one time?

*surveys crowd*

Ok, uh-huh...cool. Did I tell you that you all look so nice and pretty...and guess what? When you get older, you'll go to a place called a "salon" to stay that way. Crazy part is, in there, rumors and gossip aren't called "bullying", they're called "conversation". There's even a show some of y'all probably watch called TMZ, which pretty much exists because of those things. It's a part of life...the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better. Just remember, you have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason...because only half of what you hear is worth repeating. (That half is pretty damn funny though...)

- Self-Esteem issues: They also say that bullies can take away your self-esteem...I say they don't know what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is how YOU feel about you, not him or her or anyfuckinbody else. If somebody can take your self-esteem, you never had it! See, you can't let these assholes have control over what you think...so what he said you're fat or that you have a big head? In the adult world, not everybody thinks you're the same perfect gift from the parted heavens that your parents do, and if you're not equipped to deal with it when somebody decides they don't like something about you, you're gonna have a nervous breakdown before dismissal.

The key to taking that power is to just accept that not everybody will accept you or what you do and embrace yourself...it's the only 'you' you'll get, trust me. Honestly, fuck what anybody has to say about your life if you're happy. That includes me...fuck what I say, if you decide you're happier as a victim, then just go ahead and drop to the ground sobbing when somebody says your favorite shirt is an ugly color. Just know that once you leave this place, not only will nobody feel sorry for you but they'll probably make a point of torturing you more just to get a reaction. My best advice is to shrug it off, smile, and do what you do...you'll have a much easier go at life, trust me.

-Conflict Resolution: Okay, we've talked about all the meaningless words people can bounce off you...but what about when things get physical? I know things get rough sometimes...I can clearly see Timmy over there has gotten a swirly today...

*points, pauses for laughter*

Just messin with ya, Timmy...you're cool, thanks for being a good sport...

*tosses Timmy a $25 Amazon gift card*

...but seriously, nobody has the right to put their hands on you against their will. If that happens, it's wrong...you can't defend that. However, just like in the adult world, you have 2 choices. You can either inform the authorities...that's Principal Baldy and Co. standing over there...

*points, children squeal with delight, Principal fumes, tosses Principal a $25 Amazon gift card with $12.48 left on it*

You'll be aight, Princy.

Or alternately, you can exercise your...

-Right to Self-Defense: I don't advocate violence in schools or anywhere else, but some people don't speak anything else. School may tell you that violence isn't the answer, and they're right...it's the question, and the answer is "sometimes". Solving one's problems without violence is really the way to go 9.5/10 times...but that last .5 can be a real bitch in the adult world if you don't know that talking just doesn't fix everything. I'm not telling you to go around beating people up...that makes you a bully too...but if somebody is going to cause you harm, you have the right...shit, the responsibility to defend yourself.

They say an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but not if everyone would keep their pokey fingers to themselves...so next time somebody tries to stuff you in a locker or throw you in a trashcan, think about whether turning the other cheek will get you fucked. Lessons learned in blood are rarely forgotten, and that's true whether you're 10 or 100...so make a bully reconsider whether it's you he wants to pick on. Most of the time, just the threat of standing up to them will send a bully running for an easier target (everybody knows bullies are bitchmade at heart)...don't be that target!

Aight y'all, hopefully you understand now that bullying isn't just something that happens in grade school, it's a potential ongoing life situation. If you're a victim at 12, you'll be a victim at 22, 32, 42, 52 and 102...so it's best you learn how to deal with it now instead of when you're older when the bullies do things like try to take your girlfriend, stick you with their workload at the job or worst of all, try to keep you in a relationship with them.

*puzzled looks from kids, knowing smiles from adults*

It's complicated, I'll explain that at the next assembly...trust me on that though. Anyway, just remember kids...life's tough, get a fucking helmet! Good luck umfJHS, you've been great, I'm out!

*holds mic above head in fist to thunderous applause for a few seconds, slowly walks out*