1.29.2010

Baaaaad Mafuckas- Johnnie Cochran

I don't know about you, but in my eyes, Johnnie Cochran was a stone cold G. Whatever you may think of what he did, you must admit he was damn good at it. (You know what they say about hating the player...) He believed that one dedicated man could use the law to change society, and that's not something most folk can wrap their minds around. I think the reason I admired Johnnie is that he wouldn't let a little thing like "evidence" or "testimonies" stop him from getting his W. The man was a legal wizard.

Johnnie worked several high profile celebrity cases, as well as doing work as a lawyer for normal, everyday folk, but the thing he will be remembered for the most is getting OJ off. OJ did it. You know he did it, I know he did it. They had the bodies, they had the weapon, they had motive and opportunity...but dammit if OJ wasn't a free man after the trial. (Yeah, he got arrested years later for armed robbery on his own sports memorabilia, but his foolishness was no doing of Johnnie's...I'm pretty sure Johnnie would have told OJ not even to do so much as drive with his seatbelt unbuckled if he wanted to keep his black ass out of jail.) How many black folk do you know that can kill ANYBODY, let alone rich white people in the suburbs, and remain free to write a book about it? Johnnie Cochran was no joke. (After all, not only was he great at litigation, he could also flow a little..."if the glove doesn't fit, you must aquit?" Do you know how much cojoňes it takes to drop bars in a court of law!?)

After that, his legend deservedly grew so immense, he transcended the legal world and became a legitimate pop culture icon. His name even became synonomous with high powered lawyers in general. If somebody said they had Johnnie on their side against you in a legal dispute, you might as well have taken out your checkbook now and saved yourself the trouble. Unfortunately, like all legends, this one had an end when he died in 2005. (That's some fly shit when the only thing that can stop you from winning is death.) However, the impact he had on society can never be taken away, and I still remember him...as a baaaaad mafucka.

Random Thoughts 29- Gin and truth?

It's Friday, and people tend to get intoxicated today more than most others (I'm starting right after I finish talkin to y'all, but that's another topic.) so I feel today's as good a time as any to bring this up. A phrase I've always found interesting is "a drunk mouth speaks a sober mind". That's false...at least I hope so. See, while a drink or 6 will loosen some lips, that phrase holding true would mean that drunk that stands outside the liquor store drinking Thunderbird out of a brown paper bag really was Jesus like he likes to tell everybody (even though he was turning wine to air instead of water to wine), and I don't think I'm gonna do too well in the afterlife if I really told the Christian messiah to "get the fuck outta my face with that bullshit." Just wondering...

Patently Imaginary: Short Term Memory Deleter

You know, we have so many useless inventions nowadays. Every day you see commercials for creative yet pointless items like a mold to make gigantic cupcakes or a device to help somewhat slower people squeeze toothpaste onto a toothbrush. Somebody should get to work on some shit that would actually benefit mankind. I personally think that some kind of short-term memory deleter would be a great idea. Men in Black had the right idea, but we need to get this thing made and ready.

Consider it...how many times have you learned something you wish you could unlearn (for me, any math beyond +, -, ×, and ÷), seen something you wish you could unsee (that time you walked in on your parents in the middle of a Freako-Roman wrestling match...praise the lawd it's never happened to me, but I hear it's a pretty common occurence), watched something you wish you could unwatch (the 1st 43 seconds of 2 girls 1 cup still haunt me to this day...*shudders*) or heard something you wish you could unhear? (Like that unattractive loudmouth oversized cockwarmer discussing, in excruciating detail, her various sexual exploits on the train for everybody to hear at 5 in the afternoon...yay, scarring mental images for everybody! Shut ya loquacious suckhole dammit!)

We all have things and moments we would rather forget, but unless you have Alzheimer's or are intoxicated 24-7 (I have a job, there are at least 40 hours a week that I'm relatively sober, so shut the fuck up!) there's really no way to get rid of those. That's where the Short Term Memory Deleter comes in. It would have 3 settings: anything up to the last half hour (for those quick amnesiaworthy moment), the last 12 hours (for that night you don't talk about), or the last 24 hours (if you had a whole fucked up day...the shit happens sometimes...) The trigger on it would be keyed to only accept the owner's fingerprint so nobody can pull any cruel shit like using it on you right after your birthday party or something as a prank. (Or...ya know...date rape ya...not to be a worst case scenario type guy, but the last thing I need is to be responsible for the invention of the electronic roofie...)

Yeah, it sounds a little crazy, but they said the same thing about the guy who invented the mp3 player. (Can't you just hear people like 20 years ago now? "A small magic box that plays invisible music without a CD or cassette?! *scoff* Yeah, right...") I think it could work...I have no idea how to do it, but I think it could. It needs to, for my sake...I can't take another person telling me something completely inappropriate for me to mentally picture again and again and again against my will. Maybe then will I be free to search the things people send me without fear. (Seriously...never Google Image "lemon party"...I guarantee you'll be begging for this invention...)

1.28.2010

"FfYL" Full Penetration Discourse: Part I, Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.- the Responsible Use of Sick Time)

*fittedwearer's note: You might be familiar with my first book, entitled "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". You might even know about the chapter previews of said book I have around here I affectionately refer to as "FfYL Quickies"

What you might not be aware of is that many of the chapters in the book were ported directly from umf...I polished 'em up a bit, of course...there's a big gap between lunchtime ramblings and book chapter...but the source material cannot be denied. 

However, the purpose of me typing all this is to let y'all know how much I love umf'ers. Clearly I do, because what I'm doing now is giving you what pretty much amounts to an album cut of these old umf posts. They're actual chapters from "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge", and I share them with you in the hopes that you'll like 'em enough to support me anyway...or maybe just read the damn thing, period. 

Anyway, since I've decided to go all the way in on these select chapters, they will be hereby known as "Full Penetration Discourse", as opposed to the half-chapter "Quickies". Tee-hee. 

Aight, here we go...today's is from part I, "For your Job", and goes by the name (f.u.c.k.)- the Responsible Use of Sick Time. Peep:


Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- the Responsible Use of Sick Time


Before we continue, I want to take some time in this book to discuss a matter of relative importance: the responsible use of sick time. See, most jobs come standard with a certain amount of sick time, to be used in cases of legitimate, visible illness.

However, every so often, a person with a job or other responsibilities wakes up on a given day and simply decides that his faculties simply are not capable of tolerating the stresses of an average American work day.

He isn't sick, slept well and even likely had a good night last night. It's just that when he woke up, looked at the alarm clock that beckons him out of bed, and was then required to start the extreme makeover that most of us must undergo in order to resemble normal human beings...he simply thought better of it and called in sick. 

Of course, to the appearance of all known medical science, he would appear to be perfectly capable of getting up and going to work. His employers and even the casual observer might agree. However, he knows better.  

He knows the mental and/or physical strain his job requires would likely be insurmountable on this particular day, causing lackluster work performance, a general feeling of malaise, and possibly a nervous breakdown….but what ails him can be found in no known medical journal. That does not stop him from feeling the way he does…and so, he must use a controversial method of neurological integrity maintenance: the fuck-it day.

Fuck-it days, by definition, are intended to be spent in relaxation and tranquility, most frequently in the confines of your own home. Some would regard this as a total lack of productivity, and even refer to such activities as watching network TV court shows and catching up on daylight napping as "wasting time".

However, these people could not be more wrong.

In fact, sometimes the most productive thing one can do is take a fuck-it day. Similar to how the only cure for a sprain is rest, ice, and elevation, the only cure for the mental taxation that makes fuck-it days necessary are rest, ice (for a drink or two), and elevation (the kind induced by the ingestion of certain herbs).

The hard truth is that human beings are not designed to perform at optimum efficiency 100% of the time. Think about what your average day entails.

A report from a trusted source (me) suggests that most of the demographic reading this book have jobs to report to, classes to take, kids to raise, volunteer activities to perform, stripper poles to work, or all of the above. Many people run around all day, 5, 6, or 8 days a week in a frenetic cacophony of responsibility and demands:

"This TPS report is due on my desk by 8am! Get it in here or you're out on your ass!"

"The advanced metanuclear trigonometry midterm is next week, study up, bitches!"

"We ran out of Lysol wipes for the pole, take those heels off and go get hot water and a t-shirt!"

On and on and on. Everyone asking, telling, ordering, pleading, insisting that you expend all your available energy every day to meet their demands. It's just too much sometimes.

Of course, the old saw ""chill" don't pay the bills" applies here, and simply shirking every duty every day is an excellent route to big-time life fail, but what must be understood is that taking a day off for no reason every so often is not the end of the world...and in fact, may be the salvation of yours.

In closing, a bit of unscheduled leisure time should never be held against a person or pointed to as evidence of their unwillingness to be a productive member of society. It's well known that if you work yourself to death all your life, you will get there faster than you should.
What good will a corner office or a 5.7 GPA do you if you're wearing a hug-myself-shirt and being fed baby food in the puzzle factory after your brain melts from the stresses of constant overuse? It's just not worth it.

Diligence and hard work are the keys to success, there's no disputing that…but balance is the key to happiness.

Often what gets lost in the whirlwind of obligations that fills our modern lives is that being happy is just as if not more important than being successful--not that one can't do both--and therein lies the most pronounced effect of the fuck-it day.

Why take a day off for something silly like a hangover or the flu when you could save your time to protect your mental health? It’s the most responsible you can be with the time they’re paying you to take off anyway.

In conclusion, if you ever feel as though you need to take a fuck-it day for the sake of your sanity, I implore you, do it. I can only hope for your own sake that you heed my advice…well, at least until my presidential campaign where I run on a platform of lower taxes, light-touch foreign policy and 12 fuck-it days per year made standard as part of full-time employment in America. After that, you won’t have (or want) a choice.
Why should you have to waste a sick day when you'd only actually be sick if you went to work? Make a responsible decision.

1.27.2010

Fatality TV

I was thinking about it, and it's inevitable...it's only a matter of time until somebody fuck around and die on one of these reality shows. I'm surprised it hasn't happened yet. You would think with the things they're documenting on camera nowadays that somebody would have lost their life by now...it sounds kinda morbid, but come with me for a second...think about it.

I mean hell, even Cops counts as a reality show...it would seem to just be logical that one of the wifebeaters (it's always either a wifebeater, a dealer, a crackhead or a prostitute) would pull a threatening looking object out their jean shorts and go down in a hail of police gunfire. And what about those "Ultimate Japanese Obstacle Warrior Game Time Go!" shows that involve people leaping from one huge (usually wet or spinning or otherwise dangerous) plastic construct to the next and dodging huge foam boulders and shit to win some fabulous prize? One day somebody's gonna slip and break their neck...I just hope they don't put it in the highlights at the end.

The situations don't even have to start out dangerous...I could even see where one of these "we live together in a confined area and don't really like each other but we manage to fuck each other sometimes anyway" type shows could return somebody to their maker. People put themselves in all types of interpersonal situations that would get them spray painted on some t-shirts if they tried the shit in real life. Even on the Bad Girls Club last night, apparently somebody got spit on and doused in drank. (I don't personally watch it, but everybody was posting about it on Facebook...they def call it the news feed for a reason) Everybody knows that if you spit on the wrong mafucka in the streets, let alone throw joy juice at them (I think that's worse than spitting...fam, you're wasting alcohol! How dare you when there are sober kids in Africa smh...) it's basically like signing your own death warrant.

It's not the 1st time the shit happened either. We've all Youtubed that episode of Jersey Shore when that one Italian guy (haha) gave that 15 year old girl looking junior woman chick a stiff straightarm punch that Iron Mike would have been jealous of, sending her flying off her barstool and skidding across the floor of the bar like a skipped stone? (I admit I laughed out of pure shock, but still never advocate hitting a woman...first.) Where does that not get you stomped out, winemaking style? There's many more examples too...how some of these folk escape the holes they dig for theyselves with breath in their lungs is beyond me.

Do these people on TV live in some kind of invisible deathproof dome or have they just been lucky so far? I'm leaning towards the second...it's really only a matter of time before one of these "Dangerous Jobs" people die on the clock and on camera or some gum-popping reality chickenhead gets fatally shanked in the left tit for popping fly with a real Bad Girl in front of a national TV audience. It WILL happen...reality TV will claim lives. But luckily, we're outside the deathbox...we just get to watch. (Well...y'all get to watch...I'm not a reality addict like that and might won't be watching at the time, but I'll damn sure catch it on the internets afterwards...) I guess I just hope it's not your favorite person on that show...odds are the show must go on...

Camera Phone Ninja Vol. 24- ThUGGed out

Aight so...when did it become cool for dudes to rock Uggs? Is that really the new movement? The worst thing about this is dude was like 6 feet tall rockin a beard, a icegrill (had the nerve to size me up when I got on the train...at least I hope that's what he was doin, I guess...with those on his feet he coulda been checkin me out... *shudders*) and a Tupac shirt which I'm so pissed the packed car wouldn't allow me to snap a flick of...but my dude, you rockin mUggs! That is not hardbody in the least...where in THEE fuck did you get a pair of size 14 white girl Timberlands? Tsk tsk...truly it is a brave new world haha...

1.26.2010

"So...what do you do?"

I think it's great when chicks have jobs...it's independent and shit. However, the type of career she's in can tell you a lot about her...her occupation oftentimes carries over to her off duty personality. There are even certain fields which in my opinion could make a less-than-ideal partner. I'm gonna skip the obvious ones like "professional fleshlight" and "back alley masseuse" in favor of more practical ones that could have drawbacks you might not have thought of.

1) Actress- of course dating a beautiful, rich big screen sensation would be cool, but...think about it...she's an actress! You would never know when she's being real or working on her next role. (You couldn't tell if she was faking orgasms either...if she's any good at what she does, a real nut and a "lemme act this out so this dude can get off me" nut look exactly the same. Not that that's really a problem of mines, just throwin it out there.) Plus, the bitch can cry on demand...she could guilt trip you into some whole other shit with a few crocodile tears and walk away laughing. That's just not fair.

2) Surgeon- I'm pretty sure I don't have to explain this one too throughly...it's just bad business to piss off a chick who's paid to be handy with a knife. It's the closest most people will get to going with a ninja assassin. If you so much as forget her birthday, she'll fuck around and take out your liver in your sleep. (And please don't cheat on her...3 words: Lorena Bobbitt, M.D. It's bad business to go to bed a man and wake up a woman.)

3) Lawyer- Not only might you find yourself being cross examined at every turn, but she'll spend a lot of time telling you that the things you say wouldn't hold up in court. Besides, lawyers are notoriously great liars and will spin the shit out of anything so even if you caught her in bed with some other dude, if you gave her long enough to talk she prolly could convince you that she was just going over his legal briefs. I'd rather just skip it, thanks...

4) Psychologist- In an argument, there's nothing worse than being told in a calm, clinical manner that your anger is the result of some deep seated insecurity issues in your childhood or an unresolved emotional roadblock. Bitch, I'm mad at YOU! After a while, I might get so enraged that she wasn't getting as mad as I am I would just tie her to her own couch and wail on her with a wiffle ball bat while screaming "How does THAT make you feel!?" That's not gentlemanly.

5) Bodybuilder- This one is just kind of shallow, but really...have you SEEN these 'women'? All hulked up and glazed over, veins popping out they booty meat, aggressive expressions on their tight, angled faces, and hard, masculine pecs where nature's pillows should be. What about that is attractive again? If I were for some wild reason even possessed enough to actually do something with one of these chicks, I would fully expect to get poked in the eye as soon as my tongue passed waist level. That's just wrong.

6) Cop- Now some freak ass folk who like being sexually handcuffed might say this one isn't so bad. Me myself, I say I'm a young black man and there's plenty of opportunity for me to wear handcuffs outside the bedroom if I wanted. Besides, I enjoy...certain activities...and it's truly in the way to be chillin on your couch blazin when your baconette sweetheart comes in and arrests you for possession. It would be so over.

7) Comedian- I like the funny twice as much as the next man, but you never know when something unflattering about you will make their act. Besides...I feel like I should make the giggles in the relationship, and how the fuck am I supposed to do that if she's heard 'em all already? I might have to have a side girl just because she laughs at my jokes. What kind of shit is that?

Hey...it's not always that serious, but you gotta think about these things! I mean, just her having one of these jobs ain't a complete deal breaker, but it definitely raises some flags...all I'm saying is people choose the careers they do for a reason, and more often than not it's because they've been good at the shit for a while now. Maybe my caution jobs aren't the same as yours, but you should definitely think about the occupation of somebody you might like...it's kind of awkward to find out your new boo is a PETA activist while in line for a cheesesteak or something...

1.25.2010

Poorly Planned Parenthood (yes, about those little girls...)

*fittedwearer's note: just because somebody gets pregnant young isn't NECESSARILY a bad thing...disadvantageous, but not bad in and of itself. Shit happens...but this is just some pure stupidiosity. It's a different concept entirely. So you can go ahead and miss me with the "I'm a single parent and I'm different!" routine...I know, honey...I know...

So over the weekend, I noticed a lot of females typing/talking about a Lifetime movie called "Pregnancy Pact" or some such shit. (It was ALL OVER...last time I saw that many statuses about the same thing, Kanye had just thrown his Taylor Swift bitchfit...it was like the estrogen Super Bowl.) Now, while I have a beard and thus did not actually see this movie, I'm sure we're all familiar with the source material. It's based on an event in the news last year about a coven of teenage whore scouts attending the same high school who one day get the idea to take an oath of stupidity, vowing to get themselves pregnant simulataneously as a show of solidarity or friendship or some retarded nonsense like that. Read that sentence again if you didn't get it the first time...yes, this actually happened. (You just know these were little white girls...I don't really take it there too much...but come on...urban teens with child don't really start hanging together until AFTER they're pregnant...enough time spent alone together in the clinic can make fast friends, and that's usually the way it goes down in the city...I digress tho...)

They enact their plan, some enlisting the help of horny little boys in gym class, some going the "older boyfriend" route, some even resorting to...other methods...one girl had to settle for a homeless man. (Stevie Wonder could tell you she was prolly hard on the eyes...if you can't talk a pubescent boy into dry humping you, odds are you're asthetically disadvantaged...real type.) but all eventually were filled with baby. Their purpose accomplished, they now could celebrate their accomplishment: they were now young single teenage mothers!

The funny thing about it is, they then decide to get hurt and surprised that the 13 year old boys who donated sperm didn't man up and take care of their kids. Um, na. They're 13 year old boys....you know where all the jokes about somebody being "as horny as a 13 year old boy" come from? 13 year old boys being horny. You can't even really fully blame them for going along with it...odds are they didn't even know they were supposed to impregnate the chick, just hop on top and jerk around for a few seconds. (I'm not completely absolving them of blame, it takes 2 to tango, and they coulda very easily strapped up...I'm just saying, if you approach a teenage boy who prolly was in the bathroom polishing his rocket to a Victoria's Secret catalogue he hides in his bookbag an hour ago and say "let's go", I'm not sure he's thinking too much about consequences. His thought process prolly has more to do with not catching his hairless genitalia in his zipper as he rips his jeans off like a basketball warmup. That's slightly off topic tho.)

I know I went on and on about how you're not a real man unless you take care of your kids...and meant every last letter...but that's the thing, most of the males involved WEREN'T real men...they just got 2 digits in their age a couple years back! You really can't say too much about the fact that they were acting like little boys. The fact that these little hoelets for some reason expected these kids to put down their Xbox controllers and Justice League action figures, grow up 10 years and become men and fathers overnight speaks to a bigger failure.

This faliure, namely, is that of the parents. Either the stars aligned so the couple dozen dumbest girls in the school all became friends, or there's a serious lack of parenting involved here. (They should have noticed something on that open house night in kindergarten where they went anround the room and asked the kids what they wanted to be when they got older and their little girl's answer was "pregnant".) Really, how poor of a job do you have to do at childrearing that not only does your little angel get pregnant on purpose, but 20 of her best friends do too? I've heard of fads...Von Dutch trucker hats were a fad, jelly bracelets were a fad...this is a like old episode of Ricki Lake "Teens Gone Wild".

Just like those little televised miniheathens were mostly the fault of the sobbing mother in the chair next to them, this group of WIC checks waiting to happen were caused by inadequate parenting. One of the only rules in my relatively liberal upbringing was "don't be gettin nobody pregnant", one I still follow to this day. The fact that these parents didn't include "don't be gettin fucked raw by homeless folk" in the household rulebook is a testament to just how epically their parenting fails, and now as a reward they get to be 40 year old grandparents. Heartwarming. (Not only that, the pact babies will prolly turn around and have kids at 15 too...that's just the pregnancy fact.)

Whatever. Like I said, I didn't see the movie, but you really didn't have to to see just how stupid the whole thing was. Maybe the worst thing to actually come out of the whole twisted saga was the TV movie...you just know there's gonna be some asinine copycats out there trying to put together a bigger pregnancy pact to try and get a big screen film...hey, it's the next step up... That'll happen when and if it happens...hopefully natural selection comes knocking at their door before they get a chance. (By saying it that way, I'm not wishing death on stupid people...I'm wishing life on smarter ones...see how that works?) Anyway, it's just a reminder of what can become of your kids if you're not a good enough parent, and of just how stupid a group of fast little girls can be if left unattended...and I didn't need to watch minute 1 of chick TV to pick that out. I guess the moral of the story is "Raise your chirrens right, or they could end up on Lifetime..." and that's real. Kthxbye!

1.22.2010

Dragon-lol

*fittedwearer's note: the one under this is so serious...but it's Friday, so I had to throw out some random giggles...it wouldn't be right hahaha...

So most of ya'll are around my age and are familiar with a show called Dragonball Z, DBZ for short. A few years back, I, like most other bucks my age, was obsessed with this show, we would go to school and debate whether Goku could beat Frieza and blah blah blah...then we all turned 15, and other, more shapely things occupied our attention. But not for some folk...for some, the love for every preteen's favorite radioactive spiky haired light-throwing freaks continues far into adulthood...some even to the point where they go out in public dressed at their favorite anime hero. At this point, I would like to thank these people for giving me the giggles for the past couple days. Here, I'll share a couple pics with y'all (with pics of the actual characters for comparison...) ...maybe you'll get some chuckles out of it like my goofy ass.





(Piccolo)

The absolute funniest part of this pic is how long it HAD to take him to put this shit on...look at the blood and battle damage too, now that's attention to detail! Of course, better attention to detail would have told dude that coming outside like that is the closest thing that exists to anti-pheromones (aka girl repellent). Oh well, at least you'll win the costume contest...enjoy your DBZ trading card deck and $25 gift certificate to GameStop.

(Buu)

So you took your shirt off, found some Hammer pants, painted yourself pink, and attached a phallus to your face. You really look like a FAN...great job, dickhead. (I had to lol)


And finally...


Image
(from left: ChiChi, Goku, Gohan, Buu, Frieza, Trunks)

With the exception of the kid of the Gohan costume, these are all grown ass people who are supposed to have jobes, families and lives...instead they dress like cartoons and frolic in public. Grest use of a life, yall! I dont know...I found the shit funny and needed to balance out the serious shit from earlier (Where else can you get a laugh and tax advice in the same place?). If you're having a bad day, remember...at least you're not these people. Hopefully the failure of others can be entertainment for you...happy Friday, yall!

Random Thoughts 28- Make it snow on her...

I recently saw an Axe shampoo commercial that brought up the stat that 85% of women think dirty hair and dandruff were a turnoff on guys. I'm not clear on where they got their numbers, but let's assume it's right...here's my question: who the fuck are these greaseball bitches who make up that other 15%? That's 1 and a half out of every 10 girls. (That means if you have 10 friends, one openly loves dudes with poor hair hygiene and one kinda likes dudes who don't wash their hair but won't admit it.) Can shit really be that fucked up in twentyten? Well...I guess seeing how some people walk around every day, I believe it...I just wonder...

Uncle Sam: Taxin' that Ass

I often say the only 3 things that I HAVE to do in life are stay black, pay taxes, and die one day (hopefully no time soon). I'm here to talk about that annoying middle one. We pay taxes all year, and have no choice in the matter...Uncle Sam gets his cut before we see penny one. It's almost like the guy stands outside payroll every time you collect your check, patriotic outfit and all and holds his striped top hat out talkin bout some "What you got on my drank?" It's the good old American jack move.

Anyways, tax season is fast approaching (a lot of us get our W-2s today), and as many of y'all are around my age, maybe you're doing this for the 1st or 2nd time. I know you've heard folk running around talking about how they're gonna buy this and that with their tax return money. What often gets skipped over is the fact that you shouldn't be aiming to get a return at all. In case you haven't noticed, "return" implies the money was yours in the 1st place. It's not some kind of gift, it means they took too much money in the first place. Why is that cool?

I mean, look at it this way...say that same Uncle Sam walked up to you in the street and was like "Listen, lemme holla at you...I know you pay taxes already...but lemme hold a lil something on top of that, a little extra every time you get paid, and I got you back at the end of the year...I ain't givin you no mafuckin interest tho..." Deal or no deal? That's what I thought...that does nothing for you, why should you do it? (Besides, in real life, he would be lucky if you didn't kick him in the nuts for poppin some fly shit like that...)

*FAIR WARNING: these next couple paragraph is gonna contain some semi-technical bullshit and tax jargon. Not too much...I don't work for H&R Block or anything, but if you promise not to fall asleep reading it, I promise not to fall asleep typing it...cool?

So instead of worrying about how much your return is gonna be when you get your tax forms this month, see if you (and a tax professional, if you need one like me...sadly, I suck with numbers, letters are more my thing as you can see...) can get your withholding adjusted so he only takes what he's supposed to in the first place. If you expect a big return, you can lower your withholding by submitting a new W-4 form to your employer. If you expect to have extra tax deductions or credits, you can claim more allowances that will reduce the taxes withheld. (That means you'll get a little more money all year instead of them basically stealing the coins out of your ashtray the whole and giving you a whole piggy bank full in February like they're doing you a favor.)

If you don't expect many tax breaks, you should probably either leave it alone or possibly even increase it so you don't end up owing money to that guy. (Funny thing about him...he'll hold your money all year if you let him, but don't try and keep his bread from him...you could end up in a bad situation...fucked up, right?) See if somebody will let you claim their chirrens to put on your taxes...now's the time to bring up all that free babysitting you did. Oh, and do me and yourself a favor and don't claim all types of clearly untrue bullshit on your taxes...you did not donate 3 houses to charity this yeah and 2am munchie runs are not business trips. Don't do that, bruh.

Either way, I hope this helps. Like I said, I'm not a tax professional, but some things are common sense. (Besides, you really think I would be telling you this shit for free if I got paid to do it? :p ) If it's too late for this year, get it fixed for next...there's never a wrong time to stop somebody from tapping your pockets. So yeah...get on that. (You hear that, Sammy? Fuck you!)

1.21.2010

Drunk with the Clicker: Man v. Food

*fittedwearer's note: Drunk with the Clicker is a section where I...ah, fuck it, you're not retarded, here we go...

Flipping through channels last night, I came across a marathon of one of my favorite Food Network shows, Man V. Food. In case you ain't familiar with the show, it follows the course and courses of corpulent, jolly, food-loving Adam, who eats his way around the country, trying all types of food ranging from the delicious looking to the just plain wrong. (Not "just plain wrong" like that weird bald guy on the same channel who goes around eating pig testicles and thousand year old eggs in other countries...that shit is just nasty. I'm talkin "just plain wrong" like a hot dog wrapped in bacon and deep-fried...) You think my ETCAMs are bad? They're a Weight Watchers program compared to the culinary aberrations that pop up on this show. (It's great to watch intoxicated...the food almost pops off the screen, you can damn near feel yourself gaining weight lookin at it.)

One of last night's episodes featured a sandwich aptly named the "Fat Daddy". This unholy dietary disaster featured 6 1/2 pound hamburger patties, 12 slices of cheese, lettuce, tomato, french fries, *runs out of air, takes deep breath* cheese sauce, chicken fingers, 3 cheesesteaks worth of chopped steak, and a partridge in a fuckin pear tree all on a 2 foot roll. (I only made up the partridge part. It is a real sandwich, either trust me or google it...) There is no way in the world you can tell me somebody sober came up with that shit. I didn't know whether to be jealous or throw up. I still don't.

Another entertaining part of the show is the eating competitions he gets involved in...they usually go in one of 2 categories "food too hot" (chili with with peppers 50x the heat of normal jalapenos or something) or "too much food" (like the "Southwestern Exposure", a colossal 12 egg omelet with a pound of chili, sour cream, and cheese...that one I actually think I could do...I fuckin love omelets...) Adam generally tends to win the "food too hot" competitions more than the "too much food" ones, even though he tries to cheat by blowing tree for the munchies. (That's a performance enhancing drug in an eating competition, imo) This is never shown on the show, but you can't tell me dude's not a stoner...#1, he eats the things I'm describing and #2...the guy always looks high as a kite. He just does. (Believe me, I know what high people look like...some of my best friends are high right now.) Not that there's anything wrong with that...

Anyway, the show is definitely intriguing if you have a fat soul like me, and I definitely recommend you try and catch it next time it comes on...if only for the host. He's actually a pretty cool guy, besides having one of the single most badass digestive systems of all time. (Or at least I hope he does...with the shit he eats on a regular basis, he might not make the next season of his own show before having some kind of coronary or lard stroke or something...I swear that dude has fiberoptic intestines or some shit...) I want to drink with the guy one day, I swear. I don't know what it is...there's just something so enthralling about watching one chubby human being eat a small beaches' worth of oysters in one hourlong sitting (120! I would throw up my internal organs if I even attempted the shit!) Its kind of a tribute to endurance and the concentrated power of will...as well as being really, really fat. Who will win the next battle in the eternal struggle of Man v. Food? Tune in and find out Sundays at 8, or at other random times of the day...its a cool way to eat up half a hour.

C'mon, son... (a letter to the champ who took my charger)

*fittedwearer's note: I don't think the culprit will read this...I really hope the winner who decided to steal my charger at work ain't a umf'er or one of my fb friends...but I'm gonna cover all my bases here. With that said, this is a letter to that person.

Dear thief,

I want you to know you're pretty sad for what you did. I mean, who actually steals a charger? When I first came in this morning and pumpfaked for my charger which has been in the same damn place for the last 5 months, it took me by surprise to not find it there. I immediately made my accusation rounds, interrogating each and everybody in my department with a cell phone...nobody knew nothin. Except you...you know exactly who did it, it was your punk ass...you should be ashamed.

I mean, why would you even take it? Its not like I don't let anyandeverybody who wants to use it do so...I even leave it in the common area most of the time so any officemate in need of a quick smartphone charge can get it. I try to be cool about shit...I guess that's what the fuck I get for trying to be nice. I think i'll lock it in my desk whenever I'm more than 5 feet from it from now on. Sorry, everybody else with nonadhesive fingers...but it seems like some people ain't got shit, never had shit, so they take shit from other folk. It's cool, patna...you got it.

I do want you to know I'm not mad anymore...I still think you're pathetic, but I'm not mad. Yeah, I was this morning...I was hot...when I saw my charger missing and figured out somebody (you) really had the balls to dead seriously steal it, I vowed then and there to find the person who did it, take my charger back and give em 40 lashes with the mafucka. Then I remembered...it's a charger. A $10 charger. I know times is hard, but if you that hard up for bread that you really have to steal a used charger from somebody that works with you...obviously you have enough difficulties in your life already without getting strung up from the ceiling rafters by a cord. So, I forgive you, you sorry sum'bitch...just don't let me catch you stealing anything else of mines...you would have a hard time typin with broken fingers. (That's not a threat, it's an observation 0:-) )

Love,
AJ

1.20.2010

Translate this!

*fittedwearer's note: I realize the people I'm talking about can't read this, and that's the problem...they should learn to so they can get reprimanded properly!

Now, I don't mean to sound like some xenophobic redneck or anything (you know...the "go back to your country!" mafuckas...the funny thing about those folk is that most of them are white...and as we all know, they were the original illegal immigrants...) but I'm gonna go ahead and say that if you're gonna live in this country, you should speak English. At least reasonably well. It doesn't have to be your 1st language, hell, I think you have as much right to live and be proud of your heritage as anybody else. I'm not talking about speaking your language in your home or talking to other folk who speak your language...that's your biz...I'm talking about speaking English to English speakers. I'm saying you should be able to form a coherent English sentence if you're gonna stay here for any length of time. I actually find it kind of disrespectful that some people refuse to, and I won't apologize for feeling that way.

I mean, really think about it. Most of y'all live in big cities or other pretty diverse environments...how many people do you know or have you ran across that don't speak English? I am sick and tired of foriegners asking me for directions and shit and me having. to. speak. liiiiiiike. thiiiiis. because. they. don't. understaaaaaand. Engliiiiiish. Seriously, how did you get residence here? I find it incredibly stupid that you have to pass a test demonstrating knowledge of constitutional amendments and presidents and shit to be naturalized, but there's no required test to determine whether you can actually speak the language or not. Great, you can tell me who Chester A. Arthur is and what year the war of 1812 happened, but you can't even tell me that you can because you don't understand the words that are coming out of my mouth. Gee, that's useful!¡

What really set me to thinking about this was the fact that some of the non-english-speakers are the hustlinest people on the world. (Yes, on it.) They have shops and check cashing places...these people know how to get at some bread. They don't speak a lick of the language you're reading, but they don't need one ESL class to learn to get the dollars you spend. Nobody sees a problem with that? I don't think it's right that people can come here by plane, raft or border leap, open up a restaurant or a corner store and just start making money hand over fist without knowing how to speak the language. Now please don't be a dick and miss the message here. In no way do I intend to knock any hustles, domestic or foreign...I'm just saying if you're gonna do business here, the least you can do is learn the language.

Of course, with this topic you get folk that will point at things like that sign at Geno's Steaks here in Philly that says something to the effect of "This is America, when ordering, please speak English." and say that wanting people to speak Americanese in America is somehow "racist" or something. No. No it's not. English is just what we speak 'round these parts. Yeah, I know there is no official national language, but let's be real here...what percentage of people you know here speak it? 80? 90? 95? More? If you consider at the numbers, it is what it is. (kinda like we have no official religion, but...if you have it, take a dollar out your pocket and peep. Does it say "In Allah/Buddah/Yahweh/the Great Spirit we trust"? Didn't think so...I'm not what you'd call a hardcore Christian, so it don't tweak me either way...I don't think it's right or wrong...I'm just sayin, look at the facts.) People speak English in America, and you should prolly go ahead and do it too.

Oh, I'm wrong? Let's do a little role reversal...let's say you take a yearlong trip to France to do...something. (Maybe you're a foreign exchange student, maybe you're visiting your cousin Jean-Phillippe, maybe you just really like French toast...fuck it, you're over there.) When you get off the plane, what are you gonna see? French. What are people gonna speak to you when you ask questions? French. What language is every sign going to be in? French. Its fuckin France. You know they spoke French over there before you went over there, why wouldn't you respect the culture enough to learn the language? You think everybody's just gonna talk English just because you're there? Keep thinkin that...and when you get hit by a French SEPTA bus because you couldn't read the sign that said "Prudence: l'autobus ne s'arrête pas là!"...you'll deserve it. Fact is, you can't just run up in somebody's country and expect them to adapt to you. You're in their house...you gotta get with the program, new guy! (Il est heureux que je parle un peu de français...lol)

Listen...I'm not hatin on anybody's country of origin or anything...I'm just saying you're here now, and you should prolly be able to communicate with the people who live here. It's just a matter of courtesy. Oh, and you have no right to get all uppity and butthurt just because somebody thinks you should talk our language. There's no way anybody should think they can stay anywhere for any appreciable length of time with no knowledge of the language...I feel it's arrogant, rude, and disrepectful to live somewhere and have no interest in their way of life. (Dangerous too...I told you you can get shot for being a non Anglophone in the wrong situation, and that shit's real...it works the same way with any other place and their language.) I would be happy to learn the language of any country I planned to visit or live in, so I expect the same from folk who come here. So I'm gonna type it and mean it: Welcome to America...please speak English.

1.19.2010

Shit I dont know how folk lived without: George Foreman Grill

Here it is, the single greatest invention off an infomercial of our generation: the George Foreman grill. It is known and loved by college folk, bachelors, stoners and lazy folk the world over...and for good reason. It's easy to use, cooks effectively, and yes, it does knock out the fat. Knocks it the fuck out. (It's really not gonna make much of a difference if you're eating 4 Foreman cheeseburgers in a sitting, but it's a damn satisfying feeling to sit and watch lard flow out of whatever meat is being cooked and into the included plastic greasetrap. It's, like...healthy or something...)

Its features include a timer so even somebody who stayed in the same basement classroom all through high school could use it, a temperature guage so you don't burn your meat, and a bun warmer on most models. (Who likes chilly buns?) Besides the greasetrap, Foreman, Inc was nice enough to include other great accessories to maximize your indoor grilling pleasure. With its floating, expandable hinges designed to accommodate any size burger from "McDonalds-style DVD size" to the 1/2 pound inch thick meat pucks carnivores like me love to eat, it's a truly genius invention that hasn't got its proper recognition.

It's not even like it just does burgers...you can grill chicken, shrimp kabobs, a really interesting looking grilled cheese sandwich, and experienced Foremanites can even get a filet mignon or something going on the mafucka. (You can even steam some veggies in the bun warmer if you're real creative lol) Seriously, it just works. I can't cook to save my asscrack, but damn it if I (or any dunce) can't work a Foreman grill like I'm Iron Chef Philly. Thanks to the Foreman, my non cookin eatin habits not only include takeout, Hot Pockets, roman noodles, pizza, and Hamburger Helper, but wonderful grilled delicacies as well...that's good shit! I envision a day where the Foreman is one day just as popular as the microwave...it's just as essential for me.

Who invented it anyway? Don't answer "George Foreman"...I refuse to believe that a man who spent more than half his life getting struck upside the dome for money could retire and create a device as wonderful as this. (Yes, for those of you who don't know, Georgie wasn't always a squinty eyed grill mogul...he was also a world championship boxer a long ass time ago, and it's crazy that his greatest acheivement wasn't winning the heavyweight belt, but endorsing a device with hinges that float like a butterfly and cook food fat free...) He just has his name on it. I just know somewhere there is some guy not getting any credit for this, and his (or her, ladies...let's skip it...) life really must suck for that besides...you know...the unholy stash of money I hope he made inventing it. (He's probably getting royalties, but juuuust maybe George Foreman simply beat him up and stole his patent...the shit happens sometimes.) Whatever tho...credit where it's due, and this one is for you, non-credited real Foreman grill inventor guy. May the sun always warm you, the wind be at your back and all your charms be lucky. If we ever meet...burgers on me, obviously...

Camera Phone Ninja Vol. 23- Double Coverage

When I first saw this, it fucked my head up. The question vexed me: why was ole boy here wearing 2 fitteds? (and not even in the cool way I imagined with one forwards and one backwards so it looks like the old-school Sherlock Holmes hat.) He could be so ashamed of his black Raiders fitted so he put on the Colts hat to feel like a winner. It could have been that he had a hole or a stain or something on his underhat and been been trying to conceal it with the overcap, but then he could have just worn the blue one. Maybe he just couldn't decide which hat to wear, in which case I can feel that...I often have trouble picking between the eleventeen hats in my room too. (I usually stick to one at a time...I don't wanna end up on somebody else's site for rockable foolishness..) I pondered that for a few minutes, then I had to get off and go drink, so I decided to share with y'all...why do y'all think he did this to himself?

1.18.2010

got MLK?

*fittedwearer's note: Yeah, yeah I saw...but I'm actually not too down. This is the first year in a while I've looked forward to next season at the end instead of wondering what the hell we're gonna do to not suck out loud...so I'll call it a good year. (Eagles fans not having shit to say either way helps.) They're a good, young team with a few holes...they're only gonna get better! Anyway, MLK neither kicks field goals, covers recievers nor is assigned to keep #9 off his back, I'm not gonna take it out on him...so without much further football talk, here's what you clicked this for.

Today is Martin Luther King day, and while many folk just see it as a free day off from whatever they do with their lives (even racists take today off...mmm, irony), I see it as a recognition of the life, struggle, and contributions of one of the greatest leaders the black community has ever seen. (I'm more a Malcolm X fan myself, but his approach doesn't work without Martin's.) That's not entirely our fault...we talk so little about him nowadays, it's almost like he was just some guy who did some semi-important stuff a while ago. They barely even cover him in school, I think we spent more time on the race to the moon than the Civil Rights Movement. (Which explains why for this generation, the 1st Martin they'll think of today comes on TVOne.) I think that's a real shame...so here's a quick shoutout to MLK.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (had to use the full name at least once, it's a rule) is so remarkable because of his unwaveringly nonviolent approach. It takes amazing resolve to actually turn the other cheek...a lot of people discuss it in theory, but it really takes some heart to put into practice. It's really some shit to admire, because there's no way I could have did it. Just the Selma march alone shows how brave the man was. How would you like to lead an army of hated people through a Mississippi gauntlet of water hoses, police dogs and hillbillies with boom-sticks? (and do it unarmed, at that!) Oh really? That's what I thought...but MLK did it just to prove a point. Now that's gangsta, I must say.

It seems so long ago...in twentyten we have 50% of a black president, but just...oh, say 50 short years ago (I know some of your grandparents ain't 50 yet, but keep all that to yourself.), wearing brown outside meant that you had to go through all types of extra "colored" bullshit to get basic things like water, food in a restaurant, and seating on a bus. (Rosa Parks gets all the press, but did you know the entire incident was set up for more visibility after a similar situation earlier that year involving a 16yr old girl? I guess, just like today, that nobody pays attention to young people on public transportation...she prolly had her portable 8-track up too loud anyway.) Me personally, I might have tossed a Molotov cocktail through a restaurant window if they told my ass to go to the back for service AND pay for it, but Martin advocated doing things a different way: the right way. He respected the process, and tried to get those who followed him to do the same. Nothing but respect for that.

He was also one of the most powerful orators in American history. He was clearly born to do what he did...you don't get a voice like that if you're not meant to speak. (He was born in the right time period too...if he were alive today they'd probably try to get him to voice some animated Pixar movie about talking animals...not cool.) He has a long catalogue of deep and inspiring speeches about subjects ranging from racism to the justice system to the Vietnam War, but the one that endures even to this day is his "I Have a Dream" speech. It's one of the most famous and quoted speeches in the public consciousness. It's almost like it's the only thing he ever said to some people...but the fact that his words can even reach people like that is a testament to their longevity and continued relevance.

On another note entirely, his sliver tongue helped him in that other department as well...many biographies and tell-alls speak of his...extracurricular activities...to the point where it was threatened in a letter to have his infidelity exposed if he didn't stop his campaigning for civil rights. Lyndon B. Johnson even went so far as to call him a "hypocrite preacher" for taking advantage of civil rights groupies. I don't advocate cheating on one's wife, but you should admire him for one reason or another and some folk respect the pimpin. (Whatever buoys your vessel.) Nobody's perfect, but I just thought I'd throw it out there.

However, the one thing he was faithful to was his people Vertically, he was a very prominent and positive figure in the black community. He loved his people, and worked tirelessly to improve their station, risking his family, health, and even his life. (The stresses on him were such that by the time he was assassinated, he had the heart of a man 25 years older...) He was kind of a father figure. Maybe that's what's wrong with our young people...none of them have fathers, and the only person they listen to is Gucci Mane...they wouldn't act like that if Uncle Martin was still around. (I like to imagine MLK going around giving out stern, bellowing talking-to's and hand-spankings to unruly kids and handing out Werther's hard candy to good ones...I digress tho...) Now our prominent black figures are Jesse Jackson, Lil Wayne, and LeBron James. Nothing against BronBron...I'm a fan of his work...but imagine if instead of kids dreaming of rapping about slangin rock or a wicked jump shot, they dreamed of growing up and being a leader of men.

What if their heroes were those who try to advance the state of their fellow man instead of those who stand to profit from their ignorance? What if it was cool to be able to speak well? Crazy, right? Maybe not so crazy...I know I can appreciate the work Dr. King did in his time here, even if it took the government almost 2 decades to do so...the first MLK day was in '86. King was so committed to his belief that his life would make a difference to future generations that he was willing to give it up to further the cause. In a way, it worked...we've come a long way since Martin. We can eat at the same counters, drink from the same fountains, go to the same schools, and even ride on the front of the bus if we choose. (We still sit in the back tho...oh well lol)

In a way it didn't...for all the privileges and rough equality we all enjoy today, some of us are some stupid mafuckas, and I'm not sure MLK would like what he saw were he to pop in on us. (I honestly think that if Martin came back, spent an hour in the Gallery and saw some of these little heathens runnin around he would regret taking a couple of those asswhuppins for us...off topic tho...) Anyways, Martin was the true definition of a hero...he may be the person most deserving of a holiday who actually has one. So today, I want you all to remember him in your own way...throw up a status, be cool like me and write a note...hell, twist up a J for MLK...just don't let the day go by without showing some love some way. We haven't reached his dream yet, but we're damn sure further along than 50 years ago...and you gotta respect the process. Now it's up to us whether it becomes a sweet dream or a beautiful nightmare. Happy MLK day, everybody!

1.15.2010

Parenting 101 (by a guy without kids)

*fittedwearer's note: I'm just sayin how I feel, man! If ya don't like what you read, sry the truth hurts, playa...

I've never been a big believer in absentee parenting. I mean, that's your child...it's half you, and you should feel an innate responsibility to make sure your little one has everything it needs. When you shirk this task, you fail not only your child, but yourself as a man or woman. You can't really look at somebody that doesn't take care of a person they made and call them an adult...and there's no way in hell you can call yourself a parent. (You should be ashamed to even try...especially if you wait until your kids make something out of themselves to start claming them. You had nothing to do with that, stop it...)

Seriously, what don't people get about this? Once you decide you're gonna bring a life into this world, that life is your responsibility, and there ain't no 2 ways about it. I understand sometimes relationships don't work between 2 folk that happen to make kids, but that excuses neither party from full responsibility for the health and welfare of the child or chirrens involved. You can't break up with your kids. Oh, and by the way, child support alone is bullshit in my opinion. It's not about child support, it's about life support. Besides not actually being there to see the growth and development of the best thing you'll ever make...let's be real, what is throwing a few dollars a month really gonna do to help out the parent who has to take care of them? Child support does not equal parenting.

Skipping the deadbeats who don't pay at all (they're a whole seperate class of asshole...how somebody can actually completely ignore the fact that they made a child and not want to end themselves when they look in the mirror is beyond me...) child support often isn't very supportive at all. Yeah we hear on the news about big ridiculous cases where the mom takes the poor sap for everything but his balls and his Facebook password, but the reality of it is most of the time the "donation" is a lot smaller than it should be, especially considering how expensive kids are to raise.

Peep, I know one case where a 'father' pays less than $100 a week for his 2 almost grown children. It doesn't take much mathleticism to figure out that's less than $50 a child per week. (Sad part is the order just kicked in a few years back...guess he's lucky they didn't hit him for all 18 years of back time...that's a looooot of effin Happy Meals...) C'mon, son. Pardonne-moi français, but what the fuck is $100 gonna do for 2 young adults basically? Pay 2/3 of a cell phone phone bill? Fund a class trip to DC? Buy half of dinner every other day? You could easily spend $50 in a day, what makes any sane, thinking person even think that that would be enough of a contribution into the lives of his own flesh and blood? Even if some other man has the goodness in his heart to raise the kids for you, you should feel disgusted with yourself that you even allowed the opportunity.

Think about it...that's $2,600 per child per year and your kids are ready to go to college...that's not even gonna buy books. (Real shit...anybody who's ever been to school knows that every book is $170 and is carefully written to go out of date the second the semester is over...it's a proven fact.) Way to show the love. It's just sad how people can really prove with their actions where their priorities are at and what's important in your life. If you have beer money but none for your kids, you should really take a step back and figure your shit out, cuz you're doing it oh, so wrong. It's a absolute shame that someone can claim to love their kids so much, yet actually celebrate the minimal contribution they have in their lives. (Braggin about using support money to gamble? Where they do that at? *smh til my neck snaps*) Where's your pride as a parent....shit, where's your pride as a human being?

Hey...that's just one situation, but I know there's countless more like it, and the fact that some people think that type of nonsense is in the same zip code as acceptable is appalling. You can't really respect anybody like that at all...if you can take pride in neglecting priority one, I'm not sure what kind of person you can call yourself. Parenting is more than a last name, more than a check in the mail, more than a visit every other weekend (or month, or year)...it's about personally ensuring that the kid you made turns out as happy and well-adjusted as humanly possible. It's not a option, it's a duty...nobody but the Virgin Mary makes a child solo (that was her story, she stuck to it), and nobody should be put in a position where they have to raise it that way either. I can't speak for everyone, but it takes a village to raise a child, and when I have one I'm gonna be mayor of that village. Too bad some folk would rather be the village idiot.