Aight...really now, the Shoedini tho? Say it out loud...it sounds like either the nickname for a famous soccer player, a group on America's Best Dance Crew, or an affectionate reference to that one guy who hurled his footwear at that person who used to be President a couple years ago and then disappeared like magic. (That ex-prez's name ain't gon be on my damn site...I refuse to have umf and that dude pop up together on Google, I don't give a fuck how many pages back it is...) Unfortunately, it's not any of those things...I think those would be pretty cool names for them...it's really a device that enables you to accomplish the arduous and painstaking task of taking off your shoes. Oh, what a godsend.
It's advertised as a shoehorn on a stick, and that's exactly what it is. Just slip it down the back of your shoe, give it a slight tug, and...alakazam! Your shoe is off! (Just how tightly were your shoes secured to your feet that you had to pry them off with a lever? What, you got a knot in your Kevlar laces?) Gee, it's like a magic wand...maybe Harry Potter uses this to take off his Quidditch sneakers. Good thing they invented this, otherwise I'd just have to sleep in my kicks...it's not like I can just kick my shoes off or sit down or lift my leg up or squat or bend over or any other of the really basic motions you can easily use to remove your shoes in less time than it takes to pick up a Shoedini. Fuckattahere...are you dead ass serious? The only use I can see for it is to help dudes in jeggings take their shoes off, since they clearly can't bend at the knee.
I mean, even for old folk or the otherwise infirm... (the people it's probably meant for) let's be honest. If you can't do simple things like unbutton your shirt, hook your suspenders or take off your shoes without extreme inconvenience or excruciating pain...are you sure you should be out and about? Like seriously..don't you have a deathbed to be on? What the hell are you doing wearing shoes and not slippers? Wait, if you can't even pull your shoes off...can you even use a Shoedini without breaking your arm or throwing out a shoulder? Come on, gramps...just get back in bed, I'll go get that snuff and those lottery tickets for you. Want me to change the channel on the way out? I know color TV is a new thing and you can only take so much of it.
I would think your 19.95 plus shipping and handling would be better spent on diabeetus testing supplies (you chegg your blood sugar and you chegg it often!) or making some payments on your American Liberty Medical Insurance (did you know you could have life insurance with the spare change in your pocket? You don't want to be a burden with your "final expenses"...they always discuss their approaching death so casually...lol). Besides...its 4-6 weeks for delivery, and if you can barely crawl out of bed and put on your shoes without exhausting yourself...sorry to tell you you might not have that long. (:-() Anyway, I'm just sayin...this thing is pretty much useless for people who have knees or just about everybody under the age of 137...and that qualifies it as an invention that nobody fuckin asked for.
I mean, I'm sure Verizon had the best of intentions when they came up with this...families would never have to deal with the whole lost child thing again, and in this dangerous twentyten world we live in, that is kinda important. But the road to New Jersey is paved with good intentions...peep, number 1, if your child is young enough to still 'get lost', I'm not sure they need to have a cell phone or be left alone to even have to be tracked...every time I see a 9-year old walking around with a smartphone, I want to smack it out of their hands...what the hell does a 2nd grader need with a Blackberry? Nobody else in his class has one, who the fuck is he calling?
Secondly, if you decide to give your teenager a cell phone, it should mean you trust them out of your sight and don't need to triangulate their position every time you're over 50 feet from them. (Maybe I'm biased on that one because it was only 5 short years ago I was 16ish, and I damn sure didn't wanna be tracked...turned out fine too, as you can see...) Also, it encourages lazy parenting in kids that aren't quite old enough to be trusted...why ask anything about your little angel or be concerned about their location or well-being when you can just slap a LoJack on her and let her run free? (If she's getting partied, at least you know the address...you won't know about the party, but at least you'll know the location.)
Finally, and most obviously, just because it's called "Family Tracker" doesn't mean it doesn't work on folk that don't share your last name. It works on other grown folk as well. What's to stop a jealous girlfriend or a generally stalkinominal person from buying a Verizon phone on a family plan, keeping one, giving the other to somebody as a 'gift' and suddenly gaining the ability to follow them both on and off of Twitter? Yeah...it's a fucking tracker! What else does that sound like!? (A Verizon tracker phone with that Recognizr app that lets you stalk folk online must be a creeptastic mafucka's wet dream...who are they inventing this stuff for?)
So let's run it down here...not so good for the kids who are old enough, not so good for the kids that ain't, and with its strong potential for misuse, no good at all for people who aren't kids. I don't know if that's a great idea. Yeah it does have uses like the one described in the commercial, but whatever happened to "Meet me at the *insert mall landmark here* in an hour" or...hell, how about just calling them on their Verizon phone? Maybe it just makes too much sense for me to comprehend...more likely somebody just really dropped the call on this idea. (Which makes sense, seeing as Verizon's coverage sucks... :p )
We talked about names here before, but those were weird, janky, fictional names like Watermelonisha, Tayquonte and Marquisabeth (you've met a few, shut up) but here we will talk about names given to the wrong gender. Now I've heard tell of female Michaels and shit like that, but this is way more a boy problem...you see, among young boys, the wrong name can actually get you beaten up, and who wants to deal with that all the way up until puberty kicks in and they can actually defend themselves? Please parents...save your children 10 guaranteed years of adversity (with an option for many more) and skip these names if your son is a boy.
Those are girl names. Yes, they may sound cute and unique to slap on a boychild every so often, but think of what he will have to endure. Think of that 1st day in class where the teacher reads the name from the roll, and looks around for the girl who owns it only to find a boy in the seat. Think of the shocked screwface the teacher will make, how that will hurt your little slugger's feelings. Think of all the fights he will get into just for saying his name. Most of all, think about the fact that for every Jamie Foxx or Tracy McGrady, there are 10,000 Jamie Smiths and Tracy Millers that are just regular dudes with humorous and feminine names. (Yeah, it's only cool if you're famous...) Is it really worth the risk? I don't know...but I do know I'm gonna go hug my mommy for naming me 'Anthony' soon as I get the chance.
Let me just say, I don't think I've ever spoken, typed, or thought a negative word against Taco Bell in my 22 years, but yeah...we need to talk. What is good with fast food joints getting way ahead of themselves on the menu tip? Since when do we eat shrimp from Taco Bell? I mean think about that...that's a lot like buying a pizza from Burger King or a McCheesesteak or something. (Or wings from Checkers...ugh, wouldn't that be...oh, wait...) I even like how they show it on the commercial and it's packed to the brim with shrimp like it's gonna explode with shellfishy goodness. Please don't insult my intelligence. I know when I get there and order it there are gonna be like 5 and a half dime-size shrimp and a whole bunch of shredded cheese...and I get to pay 3 bucks for the privelege...do I look stupid to you?
I love the description too. "6 richly marinated shrimp nestled in a warm fresh-baked flour tortilla..." Négro, por favor...I love Taco Bell as much as the next guy but I can honestly say I've never had a 'warm, fresh-baked flour tortilla' on any on the 53,721 occasions I've been there. Now everybody wants to be a gourmet? Long John Sliver's talkin bout their "freshly breaded panko fish with shaved potato columns" and shit...mafucka, that's the patty from a Filet-O-Fish and some french fries, you ain't slick! I just don't understand...I can see trying to pull in some new clientele, but fast food is fast food, and trying to class it up and get all out of character on us just is not what's poppin. Please, fast food joints...stay in your drive thru lane...
*fittedwearer's note: I swear as soon as this goes through, I'm moving to Cali...who wants to be my roomie? Cbox or gtalk me for further details...lol...
The day is coming for us potheads. California is now putting together legislation for complete legalization of up to an ounce of the good stuff. (Really, if this goes through, besides the ground moving every so often, is there a reason NOT to live in California? Other states better follow suit or there will be a mass migration and we will have the first entire state to be certified green.) Now, instead of getting all hype about it, we stoners should wonder..."What the fuck took so long?" We should be offended that this is even a debate.
How can the government can even tell us what we can and can’t put into our bodies in the first place? It appears public sentiment and the law in general is taking a more open stance/mindset towards blazin', completely fictionalized and exaggerated “Above the Influence” propaganda bullshit notwithstanding. (Seriously, I had no clue that if I smoked some weed, I would hit a 8 year old kid on a bike in a drive thru, burn all my prized possessions in a backyard grill, get kicked in the shins by a pony, send compromising pics of myself to some random girl I ain’t like while I was high, or encase myself in some type of cannabis cocoon only to emerge as a 40 year old man.) It's good to see people here in the future finally seeing shit for what it is.
Just imaging the day when you can just freely spark up in public with no problem! No longer will we be pushed to the fringes of polite society, creeping stealthily down back alleys with a one-hitter disguised as a cig for the rest of our lives, an air of suspicion clouding our every step? (Not that I know anything about that…) Envision the day when a fuck-ass cop with nothing better to do and no nearby Dunkin' wont pull you over and search your car lookin for a damn roach?
Marijuana prohibition is an utter failure and waste of billions of tax dollars. Really for real though…look me in the eye (-p address) and tell me if the war on drugs wasn’t a company, all the head executives wouldn’t have been fired by now? Tell me that anybody reading this can’t still get all the razorleaf they want by making 5 phone calls or probably less? (As a matter of fact, please don’t do it…I might end up slapping the naïveté out of you…) I defy you…give me one good reason why weed is illegal.
Hell, it's not even a drug…it just grows like that. Just like daffodils and trees and bushes and all that all-natural shit. There’s no processing involved, no extraction, no unnatural modification of any kind. There’s far more dangerous things that that go into making common Aspirin than making cannabis in its familiar form. Point being, who or whatever put us here put the greenery here too. (Praise and honor upon he who first set it on fire, be it accidentally or on purpose, and discover its effects. Bless the house of his descendants.) How can you ban a plant?
Could the reason that it’s still illegal (for now) be that people are profiting from drug arrests through the prison industrial complex system? (Yes, there's big money in running a prison.) Could it be that hemp has many industrial purposes (seriously…Wiki it up sometime…there’s a loooong list...paper, rope, cloth) and that wide-scale cultivation would cut into some American corporations’ profit margins something vicious?
It cant be that it’s for the public good…some areas in Europe have had it legalized for years, and not only has society NOT crumbled into a couch-locked, shiftless, and unproductive dystopia, but addiction rates to other drugs such as heroin and meth have actually decreased, thereby disproving that whole bunk-ass “gateway drug” theory. (Let’s keep it 100 here, what gahdamn sense does that make? That’s like saying the more flies I swat as a child, the higher the likelihood I'm gonna be a mass murderer.) Is cracking open a Smirnoff Ice or a Natty Light every so often the fast-track to life in a cardboard box passionately chugging Listerine in some dank Nicetown alley? There’s a big difference between twisting up a strawberry Dutch and shooting heroin...I'm just sayin'.
It definitely could be that folk, once again, don’t think for they fuckin selves and instead rely on the media to tell them what’s good and bad…and we all know that’s an excellent way to function. The benefits of legalization are clear…it would keep nonviolent offenders out of the legal system (how many folk you know ran into static over a bullshittin possession charge?), the estimated billion+ in tax money it will raise per year for the California state government (they freely acknowledge that the tight times are the main reason they're considering this), when sold in stores the manufacture would be standardized and remove or at least alleviate concerns of adulterants (please…no dust for me, I saw "Friday"...I don't even like chicken coops), and its medical benefit, which has been scientifically proven time and again could be more widely researched to the benefit of sick folk nationwide...not to mention crush the black markets and cartels which the government seems to be so worried about...who's gonna go down the back block looking to cop some tree when you could just take your happy ass to Walgreen's and buy a pack of cigaweed?
Not gonna act like my reasons for wanting to see legalization are altruistic...full legalization would both keep me out of trouble for sure (its the only consistent way I "break the law") and be cheaper, like most legal things are. I’m not saying there's no potential of abuse here. Hell, anything that can be used can be abused...alcohol, nicotine, Facebook (flash mobs, duh!)...but we as a whole at least give off the impression of being sentient. Let us make the decision about whether to use it or not our damn selves...'it's a free country', right? The bottom line is, those who want to spark up will, those who don’t won’t and havin it be illegal does little more than cause extraneous legal problems for people…and ain’t there enough ways for me to get in trouble with the law already? So yeah...I say congrats to Cali for being the first to see that wake and bakes could turn out some serious bread, and can only hope they push this through as fast as possible to set a precedent for the rest of the nation. Stop insulting our intelligence...legalize it, time to recognize it!
The classic amaretto sour is a good drink, having a flavor highly remeniscent of one of those yellow freeze pops in the plastic sleeves that you could cut the sides of your mouth on. (Whose idea was it to put a frozen childrens confection in a hollow soft plastic razor anyway?) The problem, of course, is that amaretto, a sweet almond liqueur, only hovers around 60 proof...not exactly the building block of a knockout drink. It's not very storng at all, and pouring much more amaretto into the mixed drink than recommended (1.5 parts amaretto to every 3 parts sour mix) only destroys the balance of the beverage...which sucks, because weak drinks are for people without Y chromosomes.
Would this tasty drank be relegated to the shame of being labeled a chick drink? Yes...prolly. However, they're still one of my favorite cocktails, so I decided it needed some help...but what? What else? Ketel One Citroen (it's the best vodka going in my opinion, but if you're short on dollars, you can substitute another vodka...but it does have to be lemon vodka, I just think it gives a nice citrus boost to the lemon-flavored mixture) which does the job of being nearly tasteless so you still get the nice taste of the normal sour but with a lot stronger drink coming out as a result...the Atomic Warhead. (Yeah, like the candy!) The final recipe is as follows:
1.5 oz (1 shot) amaretto
3 oz (2 shots) Ketel One Citroen vodka (or another lemon vodka...if you insist...*sigh*.)
2.5 oz sweetnsour mix
Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice, shake lightly (it has a tendency to foam up if you do the standard "bad nanny on noisy baby" shake) and dump the whole thing into a cup.Garnish with your mouth...all that time you waste cuttin up lemons and dropping cherries in could be spent drinkin it, so do that instead.
I'm not gonna be all snotty and say you need a highball glass or a long drink glass or whatever...I know y'all ain't got none of that shit...you just need a cup that holds 7oz of liquid and ice. It's good and it does a lot better job drunkin you up efficiently than the standard amaretto sour. It's the Atomic Warhead, and it was the cause of my nuclear fallout at 3 this morning...shouldn't everybody get a birthday drink?
(I won't waste time or insult your intelligence defining parts of speech, obviously if you made it this far you're not licking a window right now so you should be good.)
Did my best on the alphabetical order...if it's not exact, y'know...fuckin sue me or something.
1st and 10 'furst n ten' (adj. *footballese*)- in football, it is the ideal position for an offense. In life, it means everything is according to plan, and indicates a bright outlook.
"I got the results of my test back and I'm negative...so I'm 1st and 10 on that."
4th and a mile 'fourth n uh myle' (adj. *footballese*)- antonym of 1st and 10. In football, it is the position for an offense least likely to lead to any measurable success and most often ends badly. In life, it refers to a similarly bleak situation.
"They caught her with the gun, the pocketbook, and all the money she took...oh yeah, looks like 4th and a mile for her."
actual factual 'akt u al fakt u al' (n.)- a piece of data that can be applied in a realistic situation, practical knowledge.
"The actual factual is that you can soak tree in vodka for 2 weeks to make a THC-laced alcoholic beverage...the shit really works!"
affreaktionate 'uh freek shun ate' (adj.)- the state of being aggressively 'friendly'. This state usually manifests itself in intoxicated persons. Side effects may include a strong desire to be close to a member of the opposite sex, excesive random flirting, touchy feeliness towards otherwise unlikely recipients, or even a spitswap with a total stranger in extreme cases.
"Angela gets very affreaktionate after her 4th shot of mango rum. Last time she gave some guy a lapdance right at the bar."
air-conditioned 'urr kun di shuned' (adj. *Rags* ) appearing as if hit with with a fusillade of bullets, perforated, the quality of being "central-aired out".
"Denzel got air-conditioned at the end of 'Training Day.'"
alone time 'uh loan tyme' (n.)- a euphemism for sexual activity, especially by oneself, autoeroticism.
"I walked in on my roommate during his alone time and didn't come back there for a week."
anti-man 'ahn tee maan' (n.-*AV*)- a MAN's man.
"Anti-man walk 'round in de skinny jeans, dem..."
bacon boy/baconette 'bay ken boy/bay ken net' (n.)- an officer of the law, *insert your hometown here's* Finest, 'one time'.
"I almost got booked for blazin in Cobbs Creek, but I ran and that fat ass bacon boy couldn't even catch a smoker smh..."
bad business 'baad biz nes' (n.)- a poor state of affairs, an unacceptable condition, 'having it fucked up'.
"It's bad business to be in the club every weekend with your kids sitting home alone eating mustard and butter sandwiches. Cut that shit out."
bark on 'bahrk on' (v.)- to deliver a reprimand in a loud, forceful, usually profane manner.
"I was nice about it the first couple times, but after the 3rd time dude stole and drank all my liquor, I had to bark on him...lucky he ain't get worse."
batty man 'bah ti maan' (n.-*AV*)- SEE "anti-man".
birdwatcher 'burd wa chur' (n.)- a fan of the Philadephia Eagles.
"Those damn birdwatchers have been really quiet since the end of the season...I love it!"
black roses 'blak ro zez' (n.*Trey Songz*)- symbolizing death, these are 'given' to persons, concepts, or ideas you wish would just go away, i.e. die.
"Black roses to couples who stroll down the street slow as shit holding hands when they KNOW folk are tryna move past them. Let the bitch hand go so I can walk!"
Blue Star Brigade 'bloo stahr bri gaid' (n.)- collectively, the fans of the Dallas Cowboys.
"Oh yeah, there's 3 members of the Blue Star Brigade in my department...I always have backup in football discussions."
boredmantic 'board man tick' (adj.)- uneventful yet fulfilling couples activities.
"We just laid in bed all day eating pizza, trading massages, fuckin and watching DVDs...it was so boredmantic."
the Box 'the bahks' (n.)- a theoretical city-run place with UFC cages in which 2 persons with a dispute to settle can beat the shit out of each other for conflict resolution purposes instead of shooting each other like dickheads.
"Don't touch my phone, or it's gonna be me, you, and the Box."
burning bush 'burn ing bush' (n.)- a diseased female organ, bad romance in the lady's pants. Male equivalent: "rusty pipe".
"Don't talk to Nyema...word on the street is she got that burning bush."
buttslab 'buht slaab' (n.)- a flat piece of meat where a female's buttocks should be, 'no-ass-at-all'.
"That new girl Kiana got some wide ass hips, I thought she was thick til she walked by me and I saw that buttslab..."
cherrytop limousine 'cheh ree topp li mo zeen' (n.)- A police cruiser.
"After Brad got kicked out of the bar for exposing himself, he got a ride to the drunk tank in a cherrytop limousine."
chillaxify 'cheh lax i fy' (v.)- to enter a state of repose, to 'fall back'.
"It was a hard day at work...I just went home, made a drink and chillaxified myself."
creeptastic 'creep tah stik' (adj.)- describes a person with a strong weirdo vibe, one who makes the hairs on the back of your neck curl.
"He was just standing there outside the playground with his hand under his trenchcoat...he was all the way creeptastic."
cruising altitude 'kroo zin al ti tood' (n.)- the experience of the maximum effect of an intoxicant, the state of being 'on'.
"Why do I look spaced out? Man, I'm at cruising altitude...I'm barely even here right now..."
crumble 'crumm bull' (v. *common usage*)- to be knocked down by a blow in a spectacular manner recalling that of an imploded office building, to suddenly and forcibly submit, to get 'fucked up'.
"All it took was one solid body shot and dude crumbled like bleu cheese..."
crush 'krush' (v. *common usage*)- to secure a dominating victory in a physical combat situation, to manhandle or soundly defeat.
"He snuck me, so he got one hit in...but I crushed his ass after that, he was picking his teeth out the roof of his shit-talkin mouth."
community living room 'kuh myoo nih tee lih ving room' (n.)- a bar, pub or tavern.
"Let's hit the community living room...2 dollar shots, half priced food, and March Madness..."
cool kids' table 'kool kids tay bull' (n.)- the figurative version of that one place in the lunchroom where the 'populars' sit.
"Oh, you like the Cowboys too? You get to sit at the cool kids' table..."
cycle 'sy-kuhl' (n.)- a really nice way to refer to that 5 days a month no male really likes discussing.
"I would have stayed the night, but as soon as she told me she was on her cycle, I 'had to work early' hahaha..."
dance partner 'daance part nuhr' (n.)- depending on context, an opponent in a fight or a participant in other, more pleasurable physical activities.
"Rihanna looks crazy...she might try to fuck you and stab you in the same night, and I don't want that kind of dance partner."
Death Star 'deff staar' (n.)- nickname for the huge and decidedly futuristic looking home of the Dallas NFL franchise, Cowboys Stadium.
"I gotta get down to the Death Star and watch a game this year."
dickholster 'dikk hole stur' (n.)- a promiscuous female.
"Eww! You kissed Olivia on the mouth? She ain't nothing but a dickholster...hope you like the taste of half of southwest Philly..."
drank 'draynk' (n.)- an alcoholic beverage.
"I stopped by the liquor store and copped myself a bottle of drank for the week."
drankhouse 'draynk haus' (n.)- SEE "community living room".
dranksmithing 'draynk smith ing' (v.)- the art of fashioning alcoholic beverages from the materials at hand, ad hoc mixology.
"I can't cook worth shit, but I take pride in my dranksmithing...I make the best freestyle cocktails in the city."
draw'n/drawlin 'drawN/draw lynn' (v. *Philly common usage*)- loosely defined, it describes a person or situation which is being excessively animated, making a scene, or otherwise inconvenient or disagreeable.
"These young kids be drawlin on the train...makin noise and throwin shit, they need they ass beat."
double reverse 'duh bull ree verss' (n. *footballese*)- in football, a double reverse is a misdirection play. In life, it's pretty similar.
"I told Shontia I would work her shift on Saturday, but I got invited to a party that night, and I'm goin...gotta run a double reverse on her, sorry babe..."
ewwclot 'ewe claat' (n.)- SEE "cycle"
extra 'ex truh' (adj. *common usage*)- describes situations which are needlessly obstructive or unsatisfactory in nature.
"Damn, you lost your phone and your car in that accident? Wow...that's extra."
factual observation 'fakt u uhl ob serv ay shun' (n.)- the candid, sometimes hurtfulish truth.
"If I say that swole up broad has no business with half nekkid pics on Facebook, I'm not being mean...its a factual observation!"
finna 'fih nuh' (adv. *common usage*)- describes an action slated to occur in the near future, 'about to'.
"Yeah, I'm finna head downtown and pick up some new Polo shirts."
flaw in your mindset 'flaaw n ure mynd sett' (n.)- a logical fallacy, pure misinformation presented as fact in an argument.
"If you really think that, it's a flaw in your mindset...I'm glad I don't agree with you, at least we don't have to both be wrong."
flexisexual 'flecks e sex u al' (n.)- a person who plays for both teams, a 2 way street with parking on both sides.
"Malik walk around with that hard ass grill, but let him get a couple drinks in him in the wrong bar and he starts droppin it low and grindin on dudes and shit...guy's a flexisexual..."
flirtnasty 'flurt naa stee' (adj.)- intentionally lascivious and playful, intended to cause a blush and a smile.
"Brianna always sending me those flirtnasty texts...I can't lie, I like it tho..."
fluffy man 'fluh fee maan' (n.)- SEE "batty man".
fold 'fohld' (n. *common usage*)- SEE "crumble".
Freako-Roman wrestling 'free koh roh man wress lin' (n.)-seriously, you're grown...the fuck you think it is?! hahaha...
"I almost crashed over Tommy and Kimberly's house the other night, but they were all over each other...all I could hear is the Freako-Roman wrestling match in the other room. I walked my drunk ass home."
fuckattahere 'fukkahtuhheer' (int.)- an utterance intended to strip a concept of all validity, a vulgar and adamant dismissal.
"Aight, so you really just said that sweat is the best lubricant? Fuckattahere...dude, you're sick..."
fuckdammit 'fukk dah mit' (int.)- an exclamation of shock, surprise, disgust, pain, or other situations where 2 cuss words in 2 seconds would fit.
"Fuckdammit! I can't believe I just dropped my phone in the sewer..."
fuckit day (n.)- a day taken away from one's constant job or school related resposibilities as a mental health precaution despite no actual medical sickness, a callout or absence for no particular reason.
"Man, they had me work overtime 3 straight days down at UPS, I started seeing boxes in my dreams...I had to take a fuckit day...told em I 'didnt feel well', wasn't a lie..."
funstix 'fuhn stix' (n.)- happy cigarettes.
"Damn, it's a 3 hour drive? How many funstix we got?"
gigafail 'gih guh fayle' (n.)- an egregiously overwhelming loss (usually self-inlficted) that may result in the total forfeit of one's life/friends/freedom/dignity/bragging rights/space to talk/all of the above, to 'self-ether'.
"Wow, she really posted that pic of her in that skirt on the barstool with her legs wide open...and her panties was dirty?! Aw, your homegirl heading straight toward a gigafail..."
go to Jersey 'goh too jer zee' (v. *Philly common usage*)- a curse spoken to a Philadelphian who has shamed himself, it suggests that the recipient be forced to suffer a grave indignity, that is, board the PATCO to Nowhere, NJ and be forever banished.
"Yo, I ever tell you how that one dude left his food on top of a trashcan and got it stolen by a bum? Yeah, he needs to go to Jersey for that one."
grind up 'grynd up' (v. *Philly common usage*)- To give negative feedback on one's life management skills.
"When Jim rolled up in his new car and told me he hadn't paid his child support in months, I had to grind dude up about it."
grointickles 'groyn tickulz' (n.)- pure sexual pleasure separated from any actual feelings whatsoever.
"She asked me to take her to the movies...that girl gone, she know I was just in it for the grointickles."
hallucinogenerator 'ha loo sin oh jin er ate or' (n.)- one who makes recreational substances available to his peers.
"I couldn't find anything good asking around here, but I found a good hallucinogenerator through my boy in Kensington."
heterofigurative 'heh tuh roh fig ur uh tiv' (adj.)- a statement that, despite its homoerotic sound or wording, is completely asexual.
"He told me he wanted 2 dollars for a cigarette, and I told that mafucka to blow me...heterofiguratively, of course."
heterophilia 'heh tuh roh fil e uh' (n.)- describes the love of and comfort with straight folk rather than the fear of and hate for gay ones, i.e. 'homophobia'.
"My heterophilia won't allow me to hang around the Gayborhood after dark...sorry..."
homoliteral 'hoh moh li tur ul' (adj.) -antonym of 'heteroliteral'. Describes the taking of a semi-questionable statement and making light of its unintentionally sexual nature.
"I said I was gonna get in his ass at Madden and he got all homoliteral on me...he wouldn't let me hear the end of it for weeks."
hoodrattitude 'hud ra ti tood' (n.)- possessing the qualities and/or mannerisms of a chickenhead, to be 'stank'.
"D'monique always popping her gum...that shit reeks of hoodrattitude."
hot read 'haat reed' (n. *footballese*)- In football, a hot read is the reciever a quarterback should throw to should he find it necessary to slightly change the set play to make a quick decision. In life, it describes the act of adjusting one's strategy on the fly based on an unexpected situation at hand.
"I was about to walk in the Chinese food place with my girl and saw my side piece sitting at a table...my hot read told me to suggest pizza instead."
igglefan 'ih gul fann' (n.)- SEE "birdwatcher".
in the way 'in the way' (adj. *Philly common usage*)- SEE "extra".
-ish 'ishh' (adj.)- more a modifier than an adjective, this amendment to a word weakens the severity of the word it affects. It is the equivalent to a chaser after a shot.
"How was work today? Suckish...but not all bad..."
jawn 'jawn' (n. *Philly common usage*)- a person, place, thing or idea. Depending on context, nearly infinite definitions are possible. Regional and dialectic cousins include 'thingy', 'joint', 'whatsit', 'junt'*ugh*, 'sumbitch', 'mafucka' and 'le chose', en français...
"Yo, ever since I went up to the jawn with the jawn and got the other jawns I had the best jawn in this jawn...real shit."
jeggings 'jeh gingz' (n. *miz Alicia*)- 'jean leggings', refers to skinny jeans, aka denim stockings.
"Yo, you hear about Desmond? Some dude stole his identity by reading his credit card number through the pocket of his jeggings!"
jiffy lube (n.)- sexual activity conducted under limited time constraints, a 'quickie'.
"Ever since we had the baby, we haven't gotten as much alone time...we have to do jiffy lubes in the 3 hours a day she sleeps."
killshot 'kil shott' (n. *Steve Carell*)- in this context, it is used in much the same way as "go to Jersey". This is performed by extending the index and middle fingers to form a gun (turning it to the side for maximum impact) then firing it at the deserving party.
"Imani said she stopped taking he birth control because her boyfriend had an argument...and she ended up pregnant by him a month later. She definitely deserves a killshot for that one."
kneel on it 'kneel on it' (v. *footballese*)- In football, to 'kneel on' the ball is to forfeit the play. This is usually done at the end of games that are already decided in an effort to run down the remaining time. In life, it means to give up on a hopeless situation.
"He really is still chasing her after 6 months...he needs to just kneel on that and find a new girl."
know the chief 'no the cheef' (v. *Wendy Williams*)- a reference to the fact that one smokes cannabis.
"Tamia said she don't know the chief...I don't know why she got to lie, I smell it on her all the time."
medicine 'meh di sin' (n.)- cannabis indica or sativa plants, 'weed'.
"If I didn't take my medicine in the morning, I'm pretty sure I'd strangle somebody on the elevator if not on the way to work."
melt 'mehlt' (v. *common Philly usage*)- to strike a foe with a high-velocity punch in the facial area, causing the victim to simply drop lifelessly to the floor like a snowman in hell, to 'knock the fuck out'.
"Yo, he smacked that cheesesteak out my hands like 7 years ago, but I ain't forget that shit...if I ever see him again ima melt dude on sight."
momosensual 'moh moh sense u ull' (n.*Soash*)- SEE 'fluffy man'.
nall 'nawl' (int.)- No, not at all. Terminates a conversation, after this is spoken, there is no more to be said on a given subject.
"You wanna put a what in my what?! Kinda freak shit!? ...Nall."
option 'opp shun' (v. *footballese*) to toss away and to the side in a forceful manner, as in an 'option play' in football, get rid of, 'ditch'. The word may be spoken as the action is performed.
"He pulled me over for a broken taillight...he gave me a warning and let me go, but it would have been a lot worse if I didn't option that roach out the window and spray all that Febreze."
party favor (n.)- a female who enjoys being partied. These parties do not involve cake, ice cream, or piñatas.
"You talking to Claudia? Oh, you don't want that...she a party favor...she let the JV basketball team hit...subs too."
poppinfreshazimizadelic 'pah pin fresh az ahm izza del ik' (adj.)- of highly superior quality, outstanding in its excellence, superb.
"Yo, you ever had the wings at Cavanaugh's? Jawns is poppinfreshazimizadelic."
rag surfin' 'raag sur finn' (v.)- SEE "cycle".
razorleaf 'ray zer leef' (n.)- SEE "medicine".
reggaeton 'reh gay tone' (n.) In this context, it is loud, hyper, meaningless chatter.
"He was talkin about he was gonna do this and that to me...I told him save that reggaeton, he don't want his ass beat..."
rocket surgery (v.)- combining the most difficult tasks of a NASA engineer with all the most challenging medical procedures required of a neurosurgeon, it is a made-up profession used to symbolize the single hardest thing to do in the world. Accordingly, it is utilized in contrast with tasks or concepts which...might not be quite as hard to grasp.
"To pour beer out of a pitcher without making a bunch of foam is easy...just hold the glass, tilt it, and pour the lager slowly down the side (the inside, dumbass)...it ain't rocket surgery!"
rollbounce 'rowl bownse' (n. *movie title/semi-common usage*)- to vacate a location in an immediate manner, to 'dip out'.
"After the cops came and broke up the party, they started searching people who didn't leave fast enough...so we had to rollbounce."
route 5-10 'root fyve too tin' (n.) -a prison transport bus. It's free, but is an express, one way trip.
"What happened to Jarvis? Oh, he tried to fondle some chick on the subway and ended up on route 5-10...deserved that shit too."
run a 9 'runn uh nyne' (v. *footballese*) in football terminology, a '9' is a 'go' route for wide recievers. A go route is exactly what it sounds like. Therefore, in life, 'running a 9' is sprinting as fast as one possibly can towards or away from a given location to preserve one's punctuality, freedom, or life.
"I was just chillin at the ball court on 17th and Diamond watching the summer league, but when I heard guns go off, I ran a 9 for the exits...I wasn't tryna get shot or see anything to get shot over."
rusty pipe 'ruh stee pype' (n.)- an infected male organ or the owner of said sick dick, female equivalent: "burning bush".
"You said you dumped Kyla, but she told me she wasn't fuckin with you cuz she heard you had that rusty pipe...what's good with that?"
scissor queen 'sizz orr kween' (n.)- a female who prefers the company of other females, a female homosexual, strictly clitly, a 'dyke'.
"I tried to get at Angela, but she a scissor queen...she don't even like dudes."
scramble 'scram bull' (v. *footballese*)- In football, scrambling involves a quarterback moving around quickly in the pocket to avoid trouble and buy time to throw the ball. In life, scrambling is mental and refers to quick thinking and possible deception to extract oneself from an undesirable situation.
"Patrice asked me out for the 3rd time today, but I want no parts of that bitch...I'm tyna be nice tho, so I had to scramble to come up with an excuse this time...mind being my alibi?"
self-service 'sellf sur vyss' (n.)- SEE "alone time".
sidewalk rainbow 'syde walk rayn bo' (n.)- the results of one's intestinal system being thrown into reverse onto the pavement, digestive pyrotechnics, a puddle of sickness.
"After her 16th Mike's Hard Lemonade of the night, Latasha went outside and made a sidewalk rainbow."
skittle 'skit tull' (n.)- a pill of MDMA, 'ecstasy'.
"I popped a skittle last Friday and didn't stop dancing til Sunday morning."
skeetworthy 'skeet wur thee' (adj. *Ci*)- describes a person who is highly attractive or sexually desirable.
"Damn you see that new girl in IT? She skeetworthy like a mafucka!"
smutbucket 'smut bukk it' (n.)- SEE "dickholster".
softroom 'sawft room' (n.)- a padded chamber in an insane asylum used to contain the crazies.
"Your girl needs to be in a softroom...that's the 3rd time she threw bleach on your clothes in the past 2 months."
stalkinominal 'stal kinn om in ull' (adj.)- SEE "creeptastic".
stifleize 'sty full eyez' (v.)- to render one's opponent speechless, to 'put on hushmouth'.
"She tried to play me, but my comeback stifleized her...bitch ain't have shit to say after that..."
sting that ass 'steeng dat azz' (v. *DeSean Jackson*)- to inflict pain and suffering upon one's enemies or to exact revenge.
"He said he was gonna 'sting that ass' on Twitter but ended up not doing much of anything...maybe he should tweet the fuck up next time."
street vendor 'street ven der' (n.) SEE "hallucinogenerator."
tacquesafajitarito 'tah kay suh fah hee tuh ree toh' (n.)- a reference to 'Mexican foods' in general, all of which are made of the same 5 items and are really pretty much indistinguishable (which doesn't stop it from being fuckin delicious).
"I'm going to Qdoba and getting me a tacquesafajitarito for lunch...it's double point Tuesday..."
takeoff 'tay koff' (n.)-the interval between the ingestion of an intoxicant and the onset of effects.
"It was kind of a rough takeoff, I couldn't stop coughing...but once I was at cruising altitude, it was all good..."
textversation 'text vur say shun' (n.) a discussion that takes place entirely on a cell phone keypad.
"Yeah I had a 3 hour textversation with her last night...I must have typed 'lol' 79 times..."
thanks for that 'thanks for that' (int.)- When I say this to you, expect to see the idea you just gave me online in the near future...with your permission of course.
"Hmm...you're right, I should write a note about it...thanks for that..."
trash down on 'trash down on' (v.)- SEE "crush".
transformer 'trans for mur' (n.)- a person who was not born the gender that they are now, way more than meets the eye.
"Be careful who you holla at down on South Street...might end up in a Freako-Roman wrestling match with a transformer."
triple R 'tri pull are' (v. *11th floor*)- not to be confused with the record label of the same name, to be "triple R'd" is to be robbed, raped and 'rolled on', i.e. beaten viciously by a group of assailants, in separate, unrelated incidents in the same day. It is a theoretical representation of the worst day and luck ever and is used as a humorous comparison to a normal bad day to make it pale in comparison.
"Oh, your boss yelled at you today? You be aight...least you ain't get triple R'd."
tonguebath 'tung lokk' (n. *Brittany*)- vigorous, spirited oral sex.
"I was gonna break up with her last night, but then she gave me a tonguebath...and here I am in the engagement ring store..."
tongue lock 'tung lokk' (n.)- a fictional disease whose side effects include moderate to severe shut the fuck up.
"Damn I hate her laugh! I wish she would get a permanent case of tongue lock."
ttyn 'tee tee why en' (int.)- "talk to you never". This is typed toward a person you will delete from your friends, or spoken to somebody you will delete from your life.
"Um...yeah, about that...ttyn, bye!"
tweet the fuck up 'tweet the fukk up' (v.)- to stop posting, commenting or IMing, to cease typing shit, to contract online tongue lock.
"Anybody who has a problem with the notes I write can tweet the fuck up." (#forrealtho lol)
"watch a movie" 'wahch uh moo vee' (v. *Dina*)- a euphemism for sexual activity, it is taken from all those times between couples or just 2 willing folk in which a DVD was put into the player at the beginning but neither party could tell you how the movie ended.
"I invited Sherry over to 'watch a movie' and had to change my sheets afterwards..."
weedsman 'wheedz men' (n.)- SEE "street vendor".
"what the word is?" 'wut the werd iz?' (int. *Tashard Choice*)- "what's the word"? a greeting. roughly translates to "Greetings and salutations, I hope the day finds you well, please give me a short synopsis of your life's goings-on at this time."
"Ay, what the word is patna?"
*whoosh!* 'whoosh!' (n.)- energy, the quality of active freneticism, the essence of 'go!'
"Damn, I feel great! I got enough *whoosh!* to outrun the El today!"
wreck 'reck' (v. *common usage*) SEE "trash down on".
youngling 'yung ling' (n.)- a small child or chirrens, a lil tyke, a 'youngin'.
"We sure tell a lot of lies to the younglings...they'll believe anything!"
Well, if you managed to make it all the way to the end, I hope you enjoyed volume 1 of "High Definitions". Feel free to steal any and all of my words for your own personal use...or don't, that's cool too. Aight, well I got birthdaying to do, and none of that really matches too well with thinking and typing and such (yes, I did this early as shit while I'm still sober) so, yeah...ima go take some medicine now...happy AJ day to me lol...
There were a bunch of these plastered and scattered all over the El this morning. I picked one up and my first thought was "really, does anybody win this one?" Let's think about it. 'Skinny legs vs. Tights'...the epic battle for sagging rights...the slim leggers for the honor of sagging their denim stockings below their asses and buckling them there like they're presenting ass in jail and booty-challenged tight wearers for the privelege of wearing their tights despite that empty hanging material in the back. The 2 most popular fashion trends that are suitable for the smallest group of people (I estimate tights are for about 35% of girls and jeggings are for maybe 0% of dudes) going at it...should be epic.
I mean really, what can possibly be good about this party? It's not like the dudes can dance in those stonewashed legtraps and the girls will prolly not even show up because they're too busy making sure they get 17 pictures with their back poked out and turned to the camera while looking over their shoulder on every street corner in their hood to post on every friendsite they're on. (I don't know what it is about tights that makes some chicks feel they have to do that at that time and that time only...you that proud you have a butt today?) I don't know...in the battle of skinnys vs. tights, I don't really see how anybody comes out on top...only way I can see this ending is in a failmate.
At first glance, this was definitely gonna go under the "shit I don't know how folk lived without" category. Sensepil is an at-home hair removal system for females who no longer wish to have facial hair (no, hairy bitch...that's not the shadow of your nose, that's a mustache...shadows don't catch juice whenever you drink from a bottle, you are so not slick) and works on the face, legs, underarms...everywhere but the REALLY sensitive areas...which ima need you to find a way to take care of anyway. A hairy tumbleweed south of the border is bad business, but I digress.
Moving on, it uses a laser light to basically fry the hair follicle so it doesn't produce hair anymore, and does so in the least painful way possible for a process that sounds that horrifying. (Then again, you womenfolk rip the hairs out of your faces one by one and use other draconian beauty techniques, so I guess suffering for y'all art isn't really a problem for youse gals.) According to reviews, it works as advertised and the hair stays away.
I thought the glorious day had finally come where the bearded lady was an extinct species. I praised the inventor. However, there's a reason it quickly fell out of favor with me...after a quick research lap around the internet (yeah, I actually do look this stuff up...can't just pull everything out of my ass...*heterofiguratively*) the Sensapil website told me that the miracle product does not work "on darker skin"...you know, the kind that black people have? Damn, damn, damn!
I'm not accusing anybody of facial discrimination or anything...after all, the explanation has to do with the light refraction off of a darker pigmentation and all that scientific shit. I'm just so crushed that girls in every other flavor can now safely remove their Freeway beards in their own homes, but our sistas still have a perfectly valid excuse to walk around looking like extras in a Geico Caveman commercial. It's perfectly logical...but not fair at all. So yeah...fuck yo invention, Sensepil inventor dude! Until you somehow make it so that Rashonda can remove that flavor saver she has over her lip just as painlessly as Becky or her friends, in my eyes this is just another invention nobody fuckin asked for.
Jeremy is: sad because his cat is gone...I'll miss you, Mittens!
[Claudia likes this!]
[Roger likes this!]
It's a relatively light example, but I think it established the premise. Now, it could be interpreted that them *like*-ing the status means they support Jeremy thru his catastrophe, enjoyed Mittens' kitty life and are just as sad to see him go. However, if you look at it more literally, it could mean that Claudia and Roger *like* that Mittens is gone because he often scratched them and sprayed on their clothes...it could even mean they hand-delivered Mittens to the local Chinese shop to be served as chicken chow mein that night and *like* that he ain't never bringin his pussy ass back. If you're not friends with the *like*-ers, you may never know...damn sure doesn't stop me from wondering...
I was watching some cartoon or other over the weekend, and during one commercial break, a spot came on featuring America's underage immigrant pioneering sweetheart, Dora DeLeon (I, nor anybody else knows her real last name...let's just roll with that one.) singing her famous "We Did It" song that everyone who has ever had to care for a child during the day knows. When asked by a talking lizard what, exactly, she did this time, she informs it that she just filled out her census form, despite being a 7 year old girl with somewhat dubious citizenship status.
She goes on to explain in terms easily interpreted by the younglings that filling out the census is the only way to get schools, police, hospitals and all that good shit, and that the children should urge their parents to fill it out as accurately as possible. The commercial ends with the lizard promising to fill out its form as well and everybody dances and sings...it's adorable, as far as propaganda goes. Genius too...the census people know that Dora is just under Jesus in the lives of most young Americans under 5. The children will take her word as law and their parents will be hounded mercilessly by the children until they fill out the damn form...well played. (I can see a similar campaign with Spongebob and safe sex for example...something about protecting yourself from Krusty Krabs in your Bikini Bottom...I think it would get to the kids.)
Now, not that that's a total lie...population count, in theory, is an important tool to determine what tax money needs to go where. But if you're gonna speak to the kiddies, I need the whole truth to be told. How bout you tell them to make sure that Mommy puts the same number of kids on the census form as on her taxes, otherwise the IRS will be making a visit to her house...tax evasion counts as swiping, and as we all know, there is to be no swiping. You can also throw in that no matter how many census forms get filled out, certain inner city communities, school districts, hospitals and police departments will continue to be underfunded as compares to other, wealthier areas of the country...ironically, including hoods like the one Dora's family prolly lives in. Es muy malo.
Maybe while you're telling them how the census puts public services in the community, you can also share how it tells the government exactly how much to increase taxes...you think that shit's free? Oh, and while you're talking to the rugrats, you can also tell them to tell their parents if they don't want jury duty or are trying to duck traffic tickets or something, they better take those 10 minutes and do something else besides answer those 10 questions. I'm not saying the census is a bad thing...I just wonder whether sugarcoating it in an effort to encourage their parents to mindlessly fill it out just to have their children think they pleased Dora is the best way to go about doing it...hmm, maybe it's just me. They say we can't move forward til I mail it back...I say I can't mail it back til they stop frontin.
I'm a big noticer, and I tend to read shit that's printed on bottles and other packages...it's a habit that prevented me from drinking the tasty looking cleaning products under the sink as a child. Along with those packets of hot sauce at Taco Bell printed with cute and funny little quips which are clearly intended for stoners to read as they wolf down $.89 cent burritos at 4 in the morning, ("Help me! It's dark and I can hear laughing!", "Will you scratch my back?" ...come on Taco Bell, nobody's stupid...lol...) one of my favorite pieces of in-snack entertainment is those vitaminwater labels. Don't tell me you've never looked...it's like the grownup version of those horrible jokes printed on popsicle sticks. ("Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7 8 9!" I swear I didn't even find those funny as a 5 year old...)
Anyway, Take the 2 above for example. Power-C makes (but doesn't make, for legal purposes) all kinds of magical snake oil claims which are actually kinda funny. I mean, who benches a llama tho? Triple X makes light of its suggestive name, and even throws a shot at an hotel heiress who shall remain nameless.(Paris Hilton...I didn't say how long she would remain nameless.) The other labels are equally comedic, with gems such as the OJ flavored one including a joke about everyone's favorite Hall of Fame running back/dual murderer (IF he did it, that is...)/convicted armed robber and my personal favorite flavor, the grape Formula 50 talking about Mr. Cent's "guns". I don't know...maybe it's because I usually have the munchies when I eat and drink things like this, but I always peep. I just wanted vitaminwater to know I see what they're doing, and I appreciate it...it helps that the stuff in the bottle is pretty good too. *Dos Equis dude* I don't always drink nonalcoholic beverages...but when I do, I prefer vitaminwater. */accent*
All that being typed, I'm gonna go ahead and remind you this is Philly/*insert your non-Southern Cali city here* in March and not Cancun in June. Put some damn clothes on. I know the sun all shining and that make every hoodrat on the Atlantic Coast all pressed to take their clothes off and show some skin, but I'm sayin...you can hold off on that another couple months or so. Its only 70 degrees, ya dippy bird...why are you wearing a bikini top, a miniskirt and Uggs? (Never understood that either...that's like me wearing a wifebeater, swim trunks and Timbs...walkin around like I'm finna swim and fix somebody's roof in the same day...how does that make sense?) It's just not that hot yet, sorry.Once again, I refer you to the calendar. Not to mention as soon as it hits 6pm, its gonna get cold and you're gonna freeze your fly little asscrack off.
Now, far be it from me to discourage chicks from disrobing...I'm a young straight dude and getting chicks to wear less clothes in my presence is pretty much the entire point of my life when it's not football season...but you ever notice that most of the chicks who strip too early in the year are the ones that need to wear Muslim garb all year long? Really miss, nobody wants to see your sweaty rolls glisten in the sunlight like the glazed donuts from a nightmare or see all those flesh-tone thunderbolts you got radiating from every bendable crease on your body...so you shouldn't have all types of missing material in your clothes to show all that off. If you have 4 or 5 buttcheeks, I don't wanna read "Pink" or "Juicy" on any of them...so put them outdoor boy shorts back at the store you got 'em. (I didn't say "return them", just walk in the store and put them shits back...you knew you was wrong when you copped so you don't deserve the money or the shorts.)
I don't mean to sound like a jackhole here, but it's the first nice weekend of the year most places where folk will read this, and I can feel it in the air like Beanie Sigel (or Phil Collins, if ya don't catch that reference). You've prolly seen it already...Moniqua walking around in one of those napkin shirts that tie in the back, a sundress that her panties are longer than (like I said, you gon be real mad when it gets chilly tonight and your exposed love compartment starts sneezing), some dirty white flip-flops, a Louie Vuitton (Not 'Louis', 'Louie'...Louis lives in France, Louie lives on 52nd and Walnut) bag held by the strap backwards over her shoulder and some big-girl stunna shades...and if you haven't, it's coming. Some of the ladies lose their minds soon as the weather hits 65, and I care about all the females I know far too much to let them be that chick we all laugh at. Please friends...don't be that chick. You will get posted about...lol...
After running some nondescript errands, I walked up to the Vous, where I was supposed to meet a person who had to give me an item. (Anything that vague just has to be weed-related, right?) I walked up to the glass door and reached for the knob...and time grinded to a halt. Through the window, I saw 2 of my bosses sitting enjoying some college basketball game. Not the cool ones either...these were the ones I don't really fuck with...you know the type...trigger happy with warnings and write ups and such. (I mentioned them here before, I think I called them Reddock and Fallowfield...they can keep those names...) Worse, they both just happened to glance in the direction of the door at that exact moment, ruining my "about face, forward march" escape plan. I thought I was busted. I mean, clearly I wasn't that sick if I was strolling into a drankhouse at 2 in the afternoon.
Since they had already seen me, and were sitting right by the door so I couldn't possibly avoid them with my big, conspicuous self, after half a beat's hesitation I decided I had no choice but to walk in (after consciously taking the "damn, I'm caught" look off my face...you know, the really dumb, guilty look. It was tatted on me for a few ticks). A funeral march played in my head as I slowly walked towards them. What was I gonna say? What's your excuse? What's the play, AJ? That's when I said fuck it...I'll play it straight and see what happens.
I walked over to where they were sitting and slapped the bar casually with one hand. "Hey, guys...what's goin on?" I said in my white-sounding office voice. (You know the voice..the one you use for your voicemail when you're looking for a job and you know important folk are gonna be calling and you don't want them to hear "Ay cuz, I ain't here right now, leave it and I hit you back!") "Hey, Anthony! Feeling better?" Reddock said to me. Fallowfield added that they were just wondering where I was around the office. "Oh shit..." I thought to myself. After scrambling around for some magic lie, I went with my original plan, the truth: "Yeah, overdid it a little last night...wasn't fit for duty..." and added a white sounding office chuckle to make it sound joke-y.
A few tense seconds passed, but they seemed to accept it, laughing it off as a charming mishap. "You young guys and your bar hopping..." Reddock chuckled. I wondered why he didn't say anything about the fact that I was 'sick' in a Center City bar...then I peeped the glasses in front of them. Them mafuckas wasn't just in there for the lunch special and the game..they know about $2 shots downtown too! (See? SEE?! I told you I'm not the only lunch drinker!) At least I wasn't on duty...they didn't have shit to say to me, in my opinion. I was good money...prolly.
At that point, I hit them with the double finger point/"you guys enjoy the game", and kept it moving to a place on the other side of the bar...I called and negotiated a relocation of my pickup to another spot nearby, but just for fun I ordered a Rolling Rock and for 10 minutes sipped it slowly right in front of them. It felt like being a 5 year old sneaking cookies right in front of your mom and her not being able to to shit about it. On the way out, I tossed a cocky "see you boys in the morning!" over my shoulder as I swaggered toward the door, but wasn't completely sure I was out of the woods until I saw one this morning and he wouldn't make eye contact with me...the shame in his eyes was stronger than any of the Jameson shots I saw parked in front of his plate that day. So yes friends...next time you're worried about your fuckit day being exposed, remember...teachers play hooky too.
*fittedwearer's note: I'm not dumb enough to hold my breath and wait, but hey...you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, and if I don't at least throw it out there, nobody will know...
Aight, so in case you care, my birthday is in a week and if you have $180,000 just lying around that you don't know what to do with, you can be the coolest person in the history of mankind and cop us two of these sumbitches. (Seriously, I'll be singing your praises and tossing rose petals at your feet wherever you walk for at least a week...) I need one in my life, and so do you.
This genius invention, known as the Martin JetPack, lets any of us achieve that childhood dream of taking flight without the hassle of airport bullshit like long delays, cavity searches, and really expensive food. (Since when does a #2 at Burger King cost 13 dollars?) It runs on regular gas, has a 5 gallon tank, and will allow a 200lb adult to say 'fuck you' to gravity for half an hour at speeds up to 60mph.
Imagine the possibilities. In addition to being able to fly to any place within 20 minutes of where you live as a means of transport, you could do shit like dropping water balloons on people, aerial streaking, or you could do some freaky barrel rolls if you have a willing partner with another JetPack. You could even get drunk in midair or get high and get high...and don't worry if you get too smacked and forget the controls, the safety chute automatically goes off once it runs out of gas and gently drifts you down to safety...so you can walk your drunk, hoverhumpin, water-balloon bombing ass home. Innat nice?
So yeah, if you wanna be a really awesome person, hit up the Martin JetPack website and put our names on the wait list. Pleeeeeeeease? I'll be your best friend...lol...
3:32: Woke up, pulled hood from over face, staggered to bathroom, had important conversation with toilet, left hoodie on bathroom floor, returned to bed to watch some of the movie, which had automatically restarted. Caught sight of Feckin Irish Whiskey bottle by side of bed. Glared angrily, then apologized...it's wasn't the bottle's fault.
4-ish: Passed out again.
4:35- Woke up. Returned to bathroom for more yuck of the Irish. Went to kitchen, got can of ginger ale, which is supposed to settle the stomach. Laid in bed, watched some more of the movie, began to send garbled text message to nobody in particular for no real reason.
4:37- Took first swallow of ginger ale.
4:39- Ginger ale was violently rejected by my body. Immediately sprang up and dived into bathroom, where the toilet and I were able to continue our discussion. Rinsed mouth, which tasted like sour pepperoni Guinness, out with Listerine. (While trying my hardest not to gag...my body was at war with all things alcoholic for the time being, and mouthwash was no exception.) Returned to bed, where I gave up on the text and looked at the movie until I passed out again.
5:19- Woke up one mo'ginn for more digestive pyrotechnics. Noticed that the same part of the movie was on for the 3rd time. (Why does that happen? How does your sleeping body lock on to one specific part of a movie left to play during a restless night and wake up just to see it 5 times before the sun rises?) Came back to bed, uttered that magic lie we tell ourselves every so often: "I'm never drinking again!" Rolled my eyes, laughed, went back to sleep.
6:48- Woke up in time to get ready for work, which I had no intention of doing today even without my affliction, and damn sure wasn't gonna do now. Saw Matt Damon get shot for the 4th time that night. Called out of work, giving reason as "I don't feel well". (Wasn't a lie...) Went to bathroom,dry heaved a couple times...nothing. Clearly the worst was over. Noticed that my rough night had me covered in a cold sweat...but I had survived. Celebrated and medicated with smokeshower. Felt better.
7:11- Returned to bed, watched whole movie for 1st time that day. Took shot of Pepto-Bismol. (Nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea...sounds like a hangover to me...) The storm was over, but I was still in a fog and couldn't eat if I wanted to...which was a problem because that's the last step in curing a hangover.
9:33- Watched Cheaters. Saw that Joey Greco is doing debt relief commercials now. ("Now you can free yourself from the heartbreak of low credit scores and wage garnishment." What?!) Found this hilarious. Saw him get shanked again. Found this hilariouser. Noticed through my laughter that I was hungry and thus back to normal. Leaped out of bed, performed spinning fistpump, went and made myself a breakfast Hot Pocket thingamajawn. (Don't criticize my breakfast unless you're gonna make me a better one...)
9:45- Wrote this.
9:46- Wrote that I wrote that.
9:47- Wrote that I wrote...oh wait...
Yes my friends, I battled the mighty hangover and won. It was one of the rougher nights I ever weathered, but I have to say the time I had was worth it. (I did like 75% of the shit I said I would yesterday lol) A hangover can suck, but if we didn't get them, any asshole could just get as drunk as they pleased with no consequences...it's nature's way of keeping the balance between risk and reward. (Or your body's way of telling you you shouldn't have stopped drinking...either one...) Hangovers serve as a reminder that there can be consequences for your actions, and what separates your average Smirnoff Ice sipper from a 80 proof partier such as myself is the willingness to accept the possible repercussions and have a good time anyway. That, umf'ers, is what being a liqour enthusiast is all about. (Well, that and open bars...)