6.30.2010

Formsprung

Wow...Formsprung sure has a certain local color this week...lol...


does purple have a real name?
lavender...hell if I know hahaha, I do not wish to know her at all...matta fact, I almost encountered her the other day walking down the street, but was able to quickly tuck myself in a nearby corner store before she detected me...


what's 'purple's' number? pass that off my dude hahah
681-6177...if that's really of any use to ya, you know the 1st 3 numbers...go for it, just don't say I didn't warn you in a thousand word essay...


what were you like as a kid?
just like this, but shorter and beardless...seriously.

Why don't you let Purple be ya baby moms? She seems like a good candidate
I wouldn't fuck that girl with your dick...whether you're male or not... Besides, she's a sucky mom to the kid(s) she does have, and we all know how I feel about that...

Are all these stories true?
Trust me when I tell you that I like to imagine I'm a pretty funny dude, but there's no way I can make up some of the shit that goes on/around me...everything tagged 'adventures and misadventures" happened for a fact, and I can produce witnesses for most, some of which are readers/friends...I wish some of this shit never happened lol


are there any naked pics of u on the internet?
Shiiiiiiit, pics? You didn't see the movie yet? It's called "under my fitted sheets", its homemade, but quality shit...AJ South has a cameo... It's around, just google it...

lol lemme stop...

I sure hope not... :p


if purple ends up kidnappin u, will u at least post about it lol
haha damn...just fuck me, right? "Its cool if he gets drugged up, dragged into a cellar and buttfucked with a sparkly purple strap-on while being lovingly serenaded for days on end, I just expect a recap..." I love you too, and appreciate your concern...but to answer your question, yes, assuming I survive.


first Patrice now this Purple broad lol you seem to attract the crazy ones, why is that?
You show me a girl that's not crazy, and I'll sell you the Liberty Bell for 3 bucks...true story. You're all crazy, there's just certain flavors of crazy I like and that wasn't one of them lol...


u really feel that strongly about happy meal toys, my dude?
Absolutely! I have a right to, cheaply made toys included with fast food value meals for children are an important part of what it means to grow up in America...the day we take that away is the day the terrorists have won. Are you workin with Bin Laden n'em?


you fucked that girl, ain't u lol
hahaha no I did not...the next time I see her will be too soon...


In your opinion, is it ok for a girl to discuss her period with her guy friends?

If it's the period at the end of a sentence like "I don't wanna hear anything about that shit.", then sure....otherwise, well...

I came upon this blog at random with 'next blog', and read you posts 'the color of war' and anotherr couple post, but I want to let u know your a juggmental immature ashole who should have no access to a publlic online expression. You suck have a nice day
wow...where do I start with this one?

1) Thx for reading umf! (or having umf read to you, either one) Clearly you found something to like, since you said yourself you read more than one.

2) Technically, that's not a question...but I'll let that slide.

3) You "came upon" umf? Eww, it's not even that kind of site...this thing moves slow enough sometimes without folk stickying it up by coming upon it...both hands on the keyboard, please!

4) You read a couple of things I wrote and immediately determined I'm an immature asshole...jeez, now who's being 'juggmental'? (lol juggmental...sounds like a word for somebody who thinks about titties a lot...hmm, maybe it's true...)

5) Maybe you're right, I shouldn't have an e-soapbox...but I do, so there. *sticks tongue out* (ok, maybe I am a little immature lol)

6) I can't hold this back anymore...I waited 'til #6... Dude, this is coming from someone with pretty loose grammatical structure and a liberal view of style choices in typing and shit, but your spelling is buttocks...work on that, cuzzo.

7) Thanks for reading umf! Hate me as you seem to, you have an opinion, which means you care...so again, thanks for reading and have a nice day...pussy.

All right...more questions about the color purple than Whoopi Goldberg's gotten in the last 10 years and I got my 1st piece of hate mail (I feel relevant lol)...great Wednesday, umf'ers. Will that one dude (or chick) return next week? Who knows...but the rest of y'all should! Thanks for all your questions, peace!


6.29.2010

Unhappy Meal?





They mad...(story)

In further proof that some folk have absolutely nothing better to do with their lives, a group of mafuckas claiming to be children's health advocates are threatening to sue McDonalds if they continue to put toys in Happy Meals. I'll type that again. They want to take legal action against McDonalds to actually stop them from putting the happy in the meals. (What, you thought it was the Apple Dippers that make kids everywhere squeal with glee when told they're going to McDonalds? Hell no...it's the toy, stupid...) Why would anyone want to interfere with the happiness of a child?

The group wants them to stop encouraging kids to eat there with toys because they think McDonalds' food makes kids fat...well yeah, of course it does! It's grease grilled burgers and deep fried potatoes, what the fuck do you expect? Of course there are alternatives such as bottles of water and...um...celery sticks or whatever they offer to shut the Whole Foods crowd up, but who goes to McDonalds for milk and apples and shit? Its cheap, quick and good...and includes a toy. (Shit, I'd like a program like that for adults, give me a burger, fries, a drink and in place of a toy, a shot glass, a lighter, a pack of condoms or something...think about it, McDonalds...) Would taking the tiny Bratz doll out of the boxes make the food any less fattening? Hot Wheels are a low-calorie snack, so it's not bloody likely.

They claim that this practice of giving toys to children with food is 'predatory' and 'creepy' (seriously, read the article...they actually believe what theyre saying!) and compare Mickey D's to a stranger on the playground handing out candy to lure children to them. That's a pretty unflattering analogy they threw out there...I can't speak for the childhood experiences of any of the people behind this movement, but I've been sucessfully lured into McDonalds many times as a kid, and Ronald McDonald never tried to stick his big gloved hands anywhere near my no-no zone, so I gotta say I'm not quite getting the connnection.

Even with the acknowlegement that giving fat food to kids makes kids fat, think about who's giving it to them...the parents! These kids don't have jobs (unless they're really poor immigrants, and they can't afford Happy Meals anyway) so they ain't buying the food themselves. Sure, the toys can cause kids to incessantly annoy their parents into visiting the restaurant at every meal (I sure as hell tried), but my mommy had a way to deal with that...it was called "Shut the fuck up about a Happy Meal, you're gonna eat what's on your plate or you won't eat a damn thing." It was pretty effective in controlling my fast food intake well into my teenage years, so that sounds like lazy parenting to me.

Really, the whole thing is just frivolous and pointless. Trying to solve obesity in America by taking the toys out of their fast food is as effective as trying to clean wildlife affected in the BP spill by just standing on the coastline, squirting a bunch of Old Spice body wash in the water and hoping everything just kinda takes care of itself. Sure, kids like toys...doesn't take a child psychologist to tell you that, but children will love McDonald's as long as chicken can be nuggeted, and going after the toys is...well, in poor taste. The toys must stay...and some people need a fucking hobby. (Like writing...lol...)

6.28.2010

The Color of War

Many people know that your average male has 2 main control centers, North and South...they correspond to what's under a guy's hat and what's under his belt, respectively. What these folk may not know is that these 2 think tanks are in a state of constant war...one that's been going on longer than the Middle East conflicts, the Cowboys-Redskins rivalry and Chris Brown's performance at last night's BET Awards combined. (It was nice and all, but I just don't see where it was such a great accomplishment for him to do a Michael Jackson impersonation...pretty much his entire musical career is one. That's kind of like winning an Oscar for a portrayal of yourself in a movie. No hate, just sayin....anyways...)

The struggle between the northern and southern factions usually rages quietly in the background like the Cold War...you kind of get used to it, it becomes just another part of life. (If you're a girl and halfway cute, you see this war go on every time some guy makes bedroom eyes at you...the southside tells him to just run over, tackle you to the ground and dryhump you, the northside tells him that's illegal, rude, and usually doesn't lead to a second date.)

However, every now and again you have a missile crisis...a standoff where a launch could affect your entire world and possibly bring about the end of life as you know it. I went through this exact scenario this weekend, and it was all because of a girl named Purple. (Seriously, that's how she introduced herself...I should have known to run like hell, right? I mean, my sister is named Amber, so color-names don't itch me too much, but Purple? Sounds like a stripper who came late to stage name selection. "What? All the synonyms for love/sex, valuable items and names for sugary treats are taken? Fine...*sigh*...guess I'll be Purple...")

I met Purple on Saturday afternoon...I was sitting on my observation deck (aka "porch") chatting it up with the aunt-looking lady that lives downstairs that I'll call Ms. Rogers from now on. (Cuz I'm her neighbor, duh...we've become pretty close over the past couple weeks I've lived there...we share some of the same hobbies, like sitting on the front step getting drunk on cool summer nights, and are currently in the stage of neighborliness where I have one of her cups and she has one of mine...good peoples, Ms. Rogers.) She was giving me an overview of my new block...what day recycling was, where to get a 6-pack past 12:00, who the closest street vendor was, that sort of thing.

That's when 2 girls walked past...one was plain, unremarkable...and thus translucent. I won't even make up a name for her. However, beside her was a tall, slim chick in a lavender midriff blouse. Her slender but feminine frame was dotted here and there with tattoo-party ink, and her thong straps were ever so slightly visible. She was the color of really expensive hardwood, looked like she smelled nice, and her smile could be seen in her eyes even through her big-girl shades. More than half of her hair was hers. (The blonde stuff I don't think grew out of her head, but whatever...)

She had a cute face and was sexy in that after 11pm sort of way. I'll stop short of saying she was a rose that grew from concrete, but she definitely got my attention, and therefore the attention of AJ South.

AJ North was just coming up with a reason to stop her and attempt to talk to her (which is harder than it looks, ladies...to us a good opening line is like a can opener...you can have as much substance as you want inside, but if you can't get the damn top off...you're just gonna be a hungry mafucka.) when suddenly she stopped and smiled at me. "Hey, I'm Purple!" (AJ North's "no you ain't, you're brown" was pre-empted by AJ South's "dayum!")

She then addressed Ms. Rogers: "Tell your new neighbor he's gonna be mine." I was the only new neighbor so AJ North deduced that she had to be talking about me. Was I being holla'd at? (It was a new feeling, I had never been on defense before...I'm not a leper or anything, my pic is >over there> and I think I'm a decent looking dude, but I know I'm not on anybody's bedroom walls as a poster...yet...lol...) Wow, she was trying to talk to me...the tables had turned. What should I do? Smile? Give her the "teeheegirlyoucrazy"? Bat my lashes?

AJ North and South had a summit and settled on a slightly cocky smirk...kind of the look I imagine the Dos Equis guy gets when some fine exotic lady sends him a drink. She smiled real big and started saying numbers...2...1...AJ South was almost too interested in Purple's glistening body to notice that she was giving me her number, but a couple of "huh's"? and "one mo'ginns"? later, I had her number in my phone and her company on my mind.

She told me she stayed around there and that I could call her anytime, then flashed me one last grin and sauntered away to do whatever it is girls do when I can't see them. "Well, well..." Ms. Rogers smirked. "Looks like you're gonna be popular around here...I'll introduce you to the neighborhood at the block party tomorrow." AJ North laughed it off and really even wondered whether the girl was serious or not, but all I could think about was the private party AJ South was planning...a battle was on the horizon.

Tomorrow came and was yesterday, and the block party was poppin. 5 grills struggled to meet the community demand for cooked animals, and since I was invited by Ms. Rogers, who organized the thing, I ate my fill and a couple other people's too. (No more cookout crashing for me, my party pass is good haha) However, after a couple cups of punch to keep AJ North nice and quiet, AJ South couldn't help but wonder what was good with Purple.

She did give me her number, after all...she wanted me to call her...why not shoot her an invite under the guise of an open house? With the block party going on, it would just look like a neighborly gesture...but indeed, it was an act of war. I called her, and after a few basic questions, we decided to go for a walk to the park and make some smoke...always a good way to get to know somebody.

I met her on the corner, where I saw her looking just as good as the day before...and her 3 year old son was cute too. Oh, wait I didn't mention her son before, did I? Neither did she. His name was Ja..um...Je...J'...something, and he rode his big wheel up with a big smile on his face, spewing profanities as he was apparently allowed to do...he would probably be joining us. Oh, what fun. AJ North processed this new info...wondered if it was such a good idea. AJ South's idea was "fuckit", (he's kind of predictable, but excecutes effectively) and I went with that.

So, we walked...I then took a my first really good look at Purple's body markings...among butterflies and hearts and stars and clovers and blue moons and other female "just gimme a tat" inkings, there were a few dudes' names. AJ North saw this, and a red flag was raised...she did not have that many kids. AJ South saw these tats, but also noticed the stars leading from bellybutton to waistband and below...he was in a Purple haze, and raised something of his own.

I shook it all off and continued to be interested in the things that she said, random kid facts, crazy ex boyfriend details, her modeling career...until she happened to mention her stay in the iron bar hotel for attempted murder. If you think you read that wrong, just think how it felt typing it.

AJ North heard this, and immediately that scene from "Goodfellas" where Henry's lady is straddling him in his sleep with a loaded .38 pointed in his face came to mind. He wanted a total and immediate end of all combat operations with this girl. AJ South, simple fellow that he is, continued his single mindedness despite this...he wanted to earn his Purple heart, and there's a chance of injury in anything fun. Negotations broke down, both sides charged, and the conflict began.

She continued to talk, but she might as well have been lip-syncing...I couldn't hear a word she said over the sounds of battle in my head. By the time the fighting had calmed, there we were on a park bench far from the play area with her hands on me more than necessary and her son left to freely roam the place like Dora the fucking Explorer. (Nobody said she was a great mommy...but only AJ North cared about that and he was kind of on the ropes right now.)

I sat and wondered how I got here...as far as AJ South saw it, I was out here in the park with a about to smoke with a pretty girl and "get to know her better" later...AJ South was winning pretty decisively. Then, we commenced to blazin, and that's when the tide of battle turned. Besides having ex drama, a felony record, and being a fair parent at best, she's also out of her fucking mind. She asked when I was going to make her my girlfriend, repeatedly referred to me as "her man in the making" and even how much it would be to rent a room in my apartment, despite not even knowing my last name, (or even my real pseudonym...if she asks you, I'm JJ), the fact that we had known each other for a whopping 2 hours total or he fact that the only name I know for her is a fucking color.

As I sat and smoked, a truce was called between the warring sides to reevaluate the conflict. AJ North didn't like the looks of it for the obvious reasons, AJ South didn't like it because it would require an extended occupation by his forces as opposed to the quick strike offensive that was planned. There's "too much too soon" and then there's "this chick is gonna end up throwing a brick through my window and smashing my shins with a sledgehammer before cutting my balls off with a fingernail clipper". The war no longer profited either side. Finally, the treaty was signed and the edict handed down...I gotta get away from this crazy bitch!

As I walked her home, the 2 sides shook hands and came to an agreement. I walked toward my block with Purple and Lil Purp along for the ride...2 blocks away I decided I was gonna walk her to her door and let the next time she saw me be on TV someday. That's when she mentioned, in detail and with her son well within earshot, her proficiency with her tongue and plans to "get a tongue ring for me". In the interest of full disclosure, that almost made a traitor out of AJ South. In violation of the new treaty, he invited her into the Treehouse so that she could show and prove...after all, that wouldn't be so bad, right?

Purple happily accepted, and commented that she couldn't wait to see "our house". I searched desperately for any sign of joking or irony so I could still justify bringing her into my home to myself. I found none. She was deadass. At this point, AJ South truly saw that nothing good could stem from this, and could very possibly end in Purple slipping something in one of my many drinks and me getting date graped. He offered his unconditional and permanent surrender in the war.

I made up some excuse that I won't type since I may have to use it again one day, and took my leave for the night and the life. AJ North, knowing that he had won and possibly saved the entire republic in so doing, accepted the sacrifice of some fun for his own good. AJ South had lost the battle, but he lived to fight another day...no doubt the South will rise again, hopefully this time with somebody less...colorful...lol...

6.24.2010

Camera Phone Ninja Vol. 29- what the hail...

Yo, you see this tree that's my backyard? That wasn't there an hour ago...for some reason, in the middle of a week of 90+ temps here in Philly, we saw hail fall from the clear skies! (yes, the "10 commandments" reference was necessary...if you peep my last name, you'll see why I've had scripture references and bible jokes fired at me from the time I understood english, so I feel I can toss one out every so often...*sigh* anyway...) I do see where having it rain ice cubes on a 96 degree day would be kinda cool, but...life would be too easy that way,right?

These grape size frozen sky bullets ravaged the city for all of about 15 minutes before returning us to our regulary scheduled opressive heatwave (that's Philly weather for you...you can be wearing antarctic cold protection gear on day, and end digging for your board/booty shorts the same week). However, the big story is many trees,power lines and other building crushing things were ripped from their roots and flung about like Lincoln Logs...and the story hit close to home, quite literally. The trunk you see spread across 5 backyards came about 15 feet from putting more tree in my living room than I would ever want. (That woulda sucked, kinda...would have had to see the irony in the treehouse getting crushed by a tree tho) But hey, nobody died and my flatscreen is safe and sound...everybody wins! (Just thought i'd close on a positive note lol)

6.23.2010

Formsprung

Wow, 16 questions...I feel so special lol

If you could have a girl that was perfect for you, she just wasn't all that cute, could you be with her?
If she ain't all that cute, how perfect can she be? Nobody wants to wake up, roll over, and cringe every day...I'm not too shallow, but being asthetically challenged is more than skin deep lol

What's your favorite question so far?
Oh there's been a few gems (how tall am I in 6" heels, really?) but I like the open ended ones, so "so...who are you?" was a great one (plus it was a smartass question, I got the reference)...also, the "favorite album?" was a real thoughtspark...

whats ur phone number?
457-7443...true story...now what's my area code lol

What's the last text in your phone?
"yo lemme have 2"...I'll leave that out ofcontext, but those who know, know lol

The Cowboys are in the Super Bowl, it's the 4th quarter, tie game and your wife is in labor...what do you do?
Ooooh, that's a good one...I think I
covered this already, I'll just schedule the birth completely around football season and avoid the possibility entirely...thinkin ahead ftw lol...besides, by the time I have a kid, they'll have TV watches or something so I won't have to decide...

When do you plan on growing up?
why would I do that to myself? Being a deceptichild (
high definition addendum: deceptichild- n. - one who looks a lot older than he is on the inside) is so much fun...

What's one thing a girl can do to turn you off?
do that cracking thing with gum,
when I said I hated that I m e a n t that shit...either that or be stuck up, nothing makes me want to bust a bitch bubble faster than her filling it with a bunch of hot air...

r u hard right now?

um...not at the moment hahah...not much inspiration...

What was the last lie you told, and who did you tell it to?
That I was going to make deliveries, but really I dipped off to do this...I told it to my supervisor 5 minutes ago lol

What do you think of Drake's album? Did you hear it?
Yes I did...it's aight, I'm not really a Drake fan, he's talented but there is entirely too much singing...dude, you sound like youre talking into a fan, give it a rest...

do u wear blue every single day or is it just all of your pics lol
Not every day lol...in fact, I'm wearing red today...but you're right, I took a quick look at my fb pics and shit and damn if like 90% of them ain't blue...so I guess I do wear it more than anybody else who isn't a Crip or an Avatar character...

How many fucking stars do you have in your apartment!?
hahah enough...I actually was actually gonna go around and count them when I got this question, but I'm gonna go with the "jellybeans in a jar" theory and just guess something that sounds right because there's no fuckin way in hell I'm doing that...I have 147 stars in my apartment...

Nice place...you break it in with a lady friend yet?
Break it? Damn she wasn't that big haha...lemme stop, seriously, yeah I've had some companionship up in there, I mean hell it's almost been 3 weeks lol...

did u get 'kitchen stadium' from iron chef lol
absofuckinlutely hahahah...I'm even gonna get elaborate cooking robes and a chef master cape just like that creepy, smiling, yellow pepper biting host dude...allez cuisine!

Damn, why didn't you tag all these sooner? I'm reading through your old shit and dyin lolol
That's the intended effect, Laziness lol...a month into umf I was like, hmm...maybe I should tag these if I'm gonna be doing this for a while...but then I got drunk and forgot, remembered again a couple months later, put it off and finally like a week ago, I took some of the time my job was kind enough to donate to me and did it...it was much like finally unpacking those clothes bins I just moved in with, time-consuming but satisfying once you get it all done and organized (only difference being the unpacking is still not done...)

so which one of the Temps owned that chair in the 'blue star lounge'?
First of all, thx for remembering the proper name for my living room...but to answer the question, David Ruffin lol...he sold it right before he sold that Caddy...cocaine is a hell of a drug...

That was fun as always...join us next week for even more of too much information lol...


any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

6.22.2010

Patently Imaginary: the Portable Blur Generator

You know how on "Cops" they digitally pixelize the perp's face when they "want to protect their innocence" (read: can't get them to sign a release) or on those poorly edited BET hood movies where they obscure objectionable content like guns and blunts but leave them in context? (You know, because it's not super obvious what he's doing with that vaguely cigar-looking digi-blob that he put to his lips and caused smoke to come out of before tapping it over an ashtray and starting to laugh a lot more.)

I don't think that concept has reached the limit of its usefulness...I'm sure there are things in real life you would rather not see, and in a day and age where you can customize damn near anything, why does that stop in the matrix? Don't you feel that you have the right to control what invades your irises when you're out and about? I know I do...that's where my new idea, the portable blur generator, comes in.

The Portable Blur Generator uses all types of science type processes which I can make up names for if it's really that serious to you to cast a digital blur over anything of your choosing. (I haven't decided how it's gonna work, it could be a handheld flashlight-style device or maybe even an app on your phone...hell, they do everything else.) I think it's definitely one of the inventions we need most in this brave new world of ours...I don't wanna stop people from doing anything, it's your right (even if it's so, so wrong). I just don't wanna see it...I have rights too. Think about it...never again would you have to see that coworker/classmate/ex's face you hate...it's nottheir fault they exist and suck, it's likely hereditary...so instead of wishing grim, black death on them, just aim at them and blur them out! (It would also work on items, so I would never have to see another pair of Crocs...yay!)

Why, you finally would be free of the visual tyranny of walking outside on some perfectly good summer day only to have your day dented by some sweaty, glistening manatee-woman jiggling down the street in a unnecessarily ventilated shirt 2 sizes too small for half of her...once she's all blurred out, she's nothing more than a bad Atari animation. Now you can put all that shit on the cutting room floor of your life...now you have the power! Or will, anyway...soon as the invention folk stop coming up with shit like that muffin cake contraption that allows you to make cupcakes for some kind of giant and get on important advancements like this...plznthx...

6.21.2010

You can't make this shit up...

See, this is why I love my job...peep the name and charges...damn I wish I was this funny lol...

6.20.2010

Pop Culture (a Father's Day poem)

I wrote one for mom, here's to the old man
it's only fair, I say...he did all he can
dads don't get much props for the things that they do
even though he's about half of why you're you
I know there are some who got a raw deal
but children need fathers, and that shit is real
my pop was around, that's a feat in itself
a lot of our moms raise their kids with no help
I was lucky, I guess...na, he wasn't perfect
but the things he taught me made it all worth it
How to tie my shoes, how to throw a football
how to drink lots and not show it at all
how to treat a lady, be a gentleman
(I had to unlearn that, but...that's now, this was then)
my father was tough, wait, not quite Joe Jackson
though dude def was quick with the belts and the strappings
I hated it then, I see now that's the way
kids could use more ass whuppins these days
You think with more beatings, there'd still be flash mobs?
I don't think so...these kids would all have jobs...
anyway, the next part is for all the fakers
bandwagon dudes, like new fans of the Lakers
fuck part time parents, and their fucked up priorities
I hate those type folk, they should die slow and horribly
How you a deadbeat and expect gifts from your seed?
only tie you deserve is a rope from a tree
yeah I typed it, deadbeats should be lynched
or shot in the yard like Yeller out this bitch
on this day, you do not deserve recognition
go buy cinderblock Timbs and sleep with the fishes
you got the nerve to celebrate Father's Day?
real talk, end yourself...what good are you anyway?
when I'm someone's daddy (hope that's no time soon)
I'll be sure my kid's happy from July through June
not just on Christmas, birthdays or tax season
I'll do it full time, I don't need a reason
I'll be in their life, and handle my biz
If you can't handle that you shouldn't have kids
(That's why I don't, hell...I'm irresponsible
at least I know this, I'm just being logical)
I'll do for my kids like no other man will
that's more than sending the bread for the bills
more than seeing the birth, then 3 visits the birth year
more than just Maury confirming your worst fears
more than saying "Oh, don't he look like me?"
more than baby Polos, and things that are pricey
It's way more than dressing alike at the mall
you must raise your kids, there's no option at all
So to all the true dads who deserve the name
just keep up the good work, simple and plain
then when your child grows successful in life
you can shout "That's my boy!", and be filled with pride
(He'll still shout out momma 1st, that's the way things is...
but...you can at least say you're a dad to your kids...lol...)

Happy Father's Day, y'all...

6.19.2010

A barkeep once told me...

that the world looks different through the bottom of a shot glass...and it's true. Just last night I had had a lackluster day and needed some different perspective, so I kept trying to widen my gaze by staring intently through the glass every time I emptied it. Admittedly, it didn't work the first time, but everything sure looked better after try 5 or 6, and I was able to gain ginsight on many things in my life before I staggered in my room and viewed the world through the back of my eyelids...I was able to fall into a fulfilled slumber, and all because of something a barkeep once told me.

6.18.2010

Cribs: umf edition

Yo what's good with y'all? Come in, make yaself comfortable...I'm AJ, you might know me from...um...here...anyway, one of y'all was curious about how I'm livin', so ima take you around the Treehouse one good time so you can see all the splendor and refinement in which I live...lol...

Part I- Blue Star Lounge

Yeah, yeah! Before I take you up in here, lemme introduce you to my pet panther, Huey...he guards the place, so go ahead and try some funny shit if you want in here...Huey gon fuck you up! (He is, of course, a porcelain sculpture my sister gave me, so he won't do much by himself, but I'm sure if I picked him up and winged him at a mafucka it would be effective enough...)

anyway, this the BSL...it's the all-purpose room, you know, watch TV, eat, smoke, all that. You see that beanbag chair right there? There's only like 3 of those in the world...I stole that shit from 1978, it's an original throwback jawn...it once belonged to one of the Temptations when he was in college...I don't like to brag, but ay...

this my chair, you know...I flop down on this after a long day, kick back, relax. The whole living room is designed to operate from this thing, it's the seat of power...so when you come over, don't even think about sitting in it! By the way, it's made of platinum-infused microfiber from Malaysia. You know you like that big wall sticker too...you don't have to admit it, just think it to yourself and I'll be happy...

peep that lamp too...that's Tiffany, son. (Yes, he was a football fan, read Wikipedia sometime after I edit it) Oh, you don't know about that? Your girl do...haha...

That's the TV...check that out...nobody gets that view, that's from my seat...but y'all can get it. You see this coffee table? It hold all my supplies, my grinder, beer, DVDs, a random roll of tape...that high-utility shit, ya dig?

This here the sound system...no young man's apartement is complete without a stereo that can get loud enough to get a party broken up, and this fills my quota. Yeah man, I can shake the walls with this bitch...that's that shit. You see that tiny helmet? That's autographed by former Cowboy Roy Williams...I'm not sure how proud I am of that, but shit...it goes with the decor, my dude...

Part II- Kitchen Stadium

picsay-1276868201.jpg

This is where I keep myself fat...chef up miracles and overcome the lack of ability to cook. You see Leonidas, he watch over me as I ready my breakfast and eat hearty...up on top of the cabinet is the beginnings of my liquor wall, honoring all the fallen bottles that sacrificed they contents so I could get drunk...you know how I do it.

see this? All these hold drinks...I'm short on shot glasses, so any donations are appreciated, yamean?

You see this over here? This the dream team...the microwave, and the infomercial triplets: the Foreman, the GT Xpress, and the Magic Bullet (aka the drinkmaker)...that's that exclusive shit. I can't cook worth half a shit, but these 4 devices and the range top keep me well-fed like a mafucka. You want one of these? Na, you can't have that for 4-6 weeks...no CODs, bitches...

Here you see the fridge...you know, all the essentials..eggs, bacon, lunchmeat... Got drinks, Gatorade, bottled water for those all-natural type hoes, a box of sangria (it's not the same one you bought me, AV...thx for puttin me on tho!) and Steel Reserve...you know, all that classy shit. I can't offer you a drink or anything, can I? Oh, you're good? Yeah it is kind of early...for you, maybe...hope you don't mind if I start without you, you can catch up later...

lookit, it's the freezer. Got all the frozen goods, lazy ass skillet meal you just throw in the pan and warm up for 10 minutes, sausages...I ain't got no freezepops right now, but I do have the best frozen dairy confection money can buy: Ben & Jerry's "cinnamon buns" ice cream...it literally tastes like a frozen Cinnabon, and thus liquid sex. I highly recommend it.

Part III- Water Closet

This here the porcelain throne...I use this for...well, you're not retarded. (Fun fact: I haven't spent any mornings facedown over it after a night of hard drinking...yet...wish me luck on that streak...)

Here's my shower...you detecting a theme yet?

This is me taking a bathroom mirror Facebook picture...you know, cuz everybody else does it...lol... (I don't know why my head is cocked like that or why I was making that face...I was likely drunk. Yes, I do wear a hat in the house. No, I dont attend Penn State, I just like and sleep in the shirt because it's blue.)

While we're in the 3 foot hallway, peep this fine art...shit highbrow, right?

Part IV- CaptN's Quarters

Aight, now we get to the room where I lay my head when I'm not passing out on the couch. Let's start off with (most of) my fitteds...yes, I absolutely need all these.

the fitteds sit on a empty rack, cuz I'm too lazy to fill it with hangers and clothes and shit for now. (I'll get to it, but I'm a stoner, you know?) That's my guitar too...I don't really know how to play it yet, but I got a lesson book, so I'm working on it...and I can play the intro to "Ruff Ryders Anthem"...I taught myself that...

(No, my bed's not made...I don't make it any other time, why front for umf? Anyway...)

This is where the magic doesn't happen as often as I would like...see those sheets? That's Egyptian cotton, mafucka...$300 a square foot, that plutocratic shit, feel me? That shit so smooth I slide out of bed in the middle of the night sometimes...ballin shit. In the background you see my sneakers...yeah,I need all those too. The whole room can be controlled from the bed, it's designed that way...anything I want in there, I can just roll in that direction and grab it. I have more than one room, but my place is all about efficiency... (Read that one 3x, please...)

Lay down with me a minute...let's watch some TV. (If you're a dude, you have to lay on the floor...sorry, house rules...) Oh, and yes...that is a lava lamp...I have it because it's positively hypnotizing when I'm high. There's a bunch of other shit on there, but I don't have jokes for all those, so let's move on.

This is my closet as viewed from my bed. If you were me, and you just woke up and are trying to decide what to wear that day, this would be the exact image in your eyes. I have more clothes, but they're in giant Tupperware containers right now. As soon as I get motivated, they'll go on that rack you saw earlier.

Part V- Outro

Aight y'all, I showed you my crib, you got to see everything up in here...and now it's time for you to roll...na, seriously, get the fuck out. You can come back, but when you do, bring weed. Touch that Cowboys logo above the door on the way out, it's good luck. I'm gonna go make myself another drink now...later y'all!

6.17.2010

Random Thoughts 43- Dead-ass Serious

I was watching "Dawn of the Dead" the other day (yeah I like zombie movies...I'm pretty sure "Zombieland" taught me how to survive a potential zombie attack...it was like that show "Surviving Disaster", except with the walking dead instead of terrorist attacks or a fire in a highrise office building. Learn that shit, man...you can laugh if you want, but don't come crying to me when you're human sushi for the undead.) and I got to thinking...if for some reason zombies were to appear and just start gnawing on peoples faces and shit, where do you run to make sure you don't become fast food?

A mall was out...I won't ruin the movie, but that's where the movie took place and things didn't go so well. I thought about an island somewhere...but some zombies can swim too, and getting supplies to a remote location can be kind of tricky in that kind of situation. (Seriously, the government can't even handle normal shit like hurricanes and oil spills with any kind of swift, decisive action...I don't think they would do too well with a zombie infestation, half of Philly would be eaten alive on hoagie rolls before the first army truck arrived.)

Then, it struck me...the perfect place to hide out and give me the best chance of survival: the hood! You see, the hood is the only place there's a grocery store, a liquor store, and a gun store within a block of each other...you would have all the supplies you needed to ride out World War Z indefinitely. Course, that's all theoretical...we havent actually ever had a zombie attack (which means we're due for one!) but I sleep well at night knowing that I have a plan to keep my brains thinking ideas like this instead of between a zombie's rotten teeth...and now you do too...lol...

6.16.2010

Formsprung

    Another Wednesday, another dozenish questions...this is "Formsprung"...

    What would you say is your favorite album of all time?
    Damn, that's a hell of a question...

    uh...off top, I'm gonna say Jay-Z's "Reasonable Doubt"...no, wait...Green Day's "American Idiot"...no, I did love "Californication" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers...but T.I.'s "King" was the shit..."Paper Trail" too...damn, I can't forget Mike's "Thriller"... *sigh* I'm gonna need more time for this lol...

    Do you really do all this shit on your phone?
    Well, yes and no...all the posts are typed on my tiny keyboard, but I tag and edit shit from my computer sometimes...I'd say about 87% of it comes hot and fresh from my g1...

    Ok, so you wear a hat all the time, right? Why do you waste money on haircuts?
    Same reason why girls waste money on fancy draws...it's not for everybody to see, (unless your thong is pulled up too high) but eventually somebody you're planning to fuck may see it...

    What's your favorite flavor Jolly Rancher?
    And yes, I will judge you by your answer....haha thx for warning me beforehand....out of the originals, it's apple...what does that say about me?

    I take your regular posting as a sign you're finished moving...how's the new place?
    It's great, thx for asking...I like it a lot, It's very...me...lol....matter fact, stay tuned...

    Have you ever cheated in a relationship?
    Never first...

    What was your last job?
    Ugh...I worked at the airport in one of those bullshit newsstands, busily organizing magazines and "borrowing" candy/vitaminwater before I was fired for...

    *drumroll*

    leaving a cooler with a broken lock unlocked...yeah, I know right? At least I didn't get fired on my day off...I was bummed until I realized unemployment paid more than the job...

    how can I be funny like u lol
    Weed helps :)

    Delete your responseIf you were a porn star, what would your name be?
    Miles Long Austin...and yes, that is a Cowboys reference haha

    You slippin AJ...where was that pic of Nipslip's titty?
    What kind of camera phone ninja are you? The kind that has more respect for his readers than to expose them to something that looked like a deflated football with a nipple...trust me, you didn't want pics...

    Can you give me a facebook status? I'm out of ideas lol
    So basically you want to steal a random thought of mine? hmm...normally it goes against my principles, but not answering the question would go against them too...so fuckit, whatever...lol...hmm, let's see...

    how bout ________ (that's you) is:

    "wondering why it's illegal for a citizen to impersonate a police officer but a police officer can impersonate a citizen"

    or

    "discovering you don't have to be drunk to have a great time...but it helps"

    or you could be really cool and shout out umf :p

    Well, there y'all go...set me up for next week, eh?

    any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

6.15.2010

Get outta my Facebook...

The other day I was unsubscribing from one of those spam email lists (you know, you buy something from some website ONE TIME and they think they can just send you emails for the rest of forever...what we had is over...it's like a one nighter, we both got what we wanted, it was good, but I'm just not out for a commitment right now...) and it actually asked me for a reason. The form looked something like this:

Why do you want to unsubscribe?
A) unsatisfactory service
B) the information is no longer relevant to me
C) the volume of emails is too much
D) it's just not for me right now
E) Other
F) I do not wish to disclose this information

Now, at first I was surprised at the audacity of the folk at Spam Emails, Inc. that they even had the gall to ask me why I didn't want their janky bullshit emails any more...then I got to thinking about it. In the end, I decided it's only fair that they would want to know why I wished to dissolve my online relationship with them. Then, I took it a step further...if anonymous, faceless email generators deserve the right to know why you no longer want them in your inbox, don't deleted friendsite (that's umf for Facebook/Twitter/the ghost of MySpace, new folk) people deserve the same courtesy? I delete about one person a week on Facebook for various violations of my sensibilities, but I never get to tell them why. There should be a form that both people get to see with an explanation:

Why do you want to delete this person?
A) You don't be talkin bout shit
B) We weren't ever really friends, you requested me, I accepted to be nice, but now you get on my nerves
C) You update your status way too much, and then have the nerve to *like* all your own statuses, you self-centered prick/prickette
D) I don't fuck with you no more, pointblankperiod
E) Bitch, stop poking me!
F) Just leave my life permanently


I think it would bring a certain closure to an unwanted e-lationship...it has its place...but will the day ever come where I can remove both a person from my friendslist and all doubt as to why I did it? I wonder...

6.14.2010

When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong

So for some extra money (having fun is rarely free, I have to afford my lifestyle somehow...), I recently re-took one of my old positions, a part time weekend bullshit job at the stadium on Temple University's campus. The responsiblities aren't much, basically you're a glorified usher who points people's seats out and tries to make sure nobody gets too dead at a concert/basketball game/political fundraiser/Girls Gone Wild taping. The job more or less is to standing around lollygagging for a tad over 7 bucks an hour, and that both puts it right up my alley and gives me some discretionary spending (that's financial talk for "weed money"), so it works out.

Anyway, my first day was yesterday, and I had no idea what the scheduled event was. It was kind of a casual thing, they just told me "Show up on Sunday around 3 and we'll give you a shirt." and I was like "Aight, whatever.", but when I walked in, I saw posters and signage for a concert thrown by a radio station here in Philly that I'm not gonna give free publicity to, featuring all the folk that you hear 6 times an hour if you listen to that station: Ludacris, Flocka Shotta Shabba Waka Waka or whatever the fuck his name is, Fat Joe, and the perpetually shiny Trey Songz, among others. A surprise guest was Philly institution State Property Lite (they were minus Beanie Sigel), who along with Ludacris made it almost worth enduring 16 year old girls screaming shrilly in my ear for 8 fucking hours. (I swear one day I'm gonna arrange for a jet engine to be set off 3 feet from Trey Songz' ears one distant day...don't worry, he won't be harmed, I don't mind the guy, I just want him to know what it's like being a dude at one of his concerts, and the temporary hearing loss is payback enough. Wait, that's off topic...)

However, this ain't about the concert...this is about what happens AT them. You see, a concert thrown in the hood (sorry Temple, you're still in North Philly) draws out every wannabe groupie hoodrat within 7.3 miles...it's a scientifically proven fact. Hoodrats have many identifying characteristics which I will go into another time, but one of them is a strong deficiency in the ability to know when to shut the fuck up. As Dave Chappelle told us, often this is mistakenly known to them as "keeping it real"...but it can go wrong. This was illustrated in a big way yesterday, and now I will retell the story in the hopes that you can avoid a similar fate.

The concert was in full swing...it had been about 5 hours since I had reported for "duty" and I wanted to take a walk around the concourse. It was Fat Joe's set, and his...um...generous frame...doesn't allow him to do much besides walk back and forth, recite his lyrics, and maybe lean back 3 or 4 times. I wasn't missing much...I went out of the arena...

...and was immediately stopped by some guy whose name I couldn't tell you even if I was on some sick game show called "Answer Correctly or Die!" so that he could tell me his unabridged life story. (I swear I didn't know that man from Adam, but within 3 minutes he told me that he was from Chicago, it was his girlfriend's birthday, he liked Hennessy, his momma's name,and pretty much everything but his Twitter password...all without me asking him a gahdamn thing!) I felt like I was on a bus stop with Forrest Gump. During the time he was talking, I actually felt my beard grow...luckily, my friend Geraldine, (say hi, Geraldine!) who was attending the concert I didn't even know was happening 6 hours ago, walked up and interrupted his reign of talking. (I was also later glad she showed up because she can back up most of the story...) He took his cue and walked away...prazdalawd.

We stood, chatting for a little bit...normal conversation...then a heavyset Latina whose combination of long titties (yes, long) and inadequate coverage that has nothing to do with insurance led me to name her Nipslip entered the scene stage right, clearly distressed. She stomped angrily by...obviously, she wasn't having a good day. She wasn't making it any better as she allowed random items to fall from her pocketbook, including a red lighter, which I picked up after waiting the obligatory 30 seconds for her to come back.

(Funny sidestory about that too, right after I picked it up, some guy walked up after seeing all this, not to reprimand me for picking up the lighter, but to trade it for a blue one. Since blue is more my color anyway, I made the deal...and no longer felt guilty, because I did not have her lighter anymore...want it back, talk to that guy...anyways...)

After making a note of it, we continued with our conversation...then, a few minutes later I heard a ruckus... "BITCH, DON'T FUCK WITH ME, IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!" (I don't know if she was Forrest's girlfriend or not, but it was a funny coincidence...) I quickly snapped my head around to see that Nipslip had returned and was face-to-face with another girl (who I named Purple Rain...she was wearing a purple dress and..well, read on a little...) arguing. I didn't see what started it, but Nipslip was keeping it real...she yelled loudly, making a huge scene. Purple Rain had besmirched her somehow, and she was letting the her, and the whole concourse, know about it.

She continued to hurl insults at Purple Rain, who remained relatively quiet...for a while...finally, she could take no more of Nipslip's mouth and put her fist in it. She delivered a vicious, not-that-girly haymaker right upside her head. Nipslip's head snapped back like she had tried to ride a horse under too low a tree branch, and she staggered back a couple steps. "What's up now, bitch?!" Purple Rain taunted. Nipslip, punch-drunk, had nothing to say after "--uhhh!!!" That's when I remembered I worked there and I kinda should break it up. "No, wait, stop." came my halfhearted intervention. (I wanted to see that shit lol) Finally, better people than me managed to wrangle them both.

Once they were both restrained, Nipslip decided that was a good time to continue keeping it real. "FUCK THAT BITCH!" she shouted. "BITCH CAN'T HIT ME IN MY FACE, IMA FUCK HER UP!" Nipslip put on all the dramatics of a person ready to fight, cussin and kicking off her heels and carrying on, even though she had just gotten her taco bell rung. She thrashed about, trying to struggle loose so she could block more punches with her face. Her wild movements clearly taxed her tiny, undersized shirt...finally it could take no more and one of her titties got free and gently unrolled down her belly. (Normally, something like that would suit me just fine, but since I had to use the word "unroll"...um, yeah...eww.)

Thinking Trey was about to go on, Geraldine determined the scene was over and sprinted back to her seat and Nipslip and Purple Rain were separated, but not removed from the premises. This turned out to be a critical error, as about 15 minutes later, Nipslip managed to find Purple Rain again...but this time, she was ready. Armed with one of the heels she had taken off earlier, she swung it and hit Purple Rain in the face...which didn't do shit but make her mad.

After being stunned for half a beat, she screamed and began to rain blows down upon Nipslip (see? there it is!), whose wardrobe malfunctioned again. I had never to that point seen somebody beaten out of their clothes, but there they were, flailing in random patterns as her face was pummeled in multiple directions. One samaritan tried to break it up (or cop a feel, I'm not 100%) and Nipslip ignored the fact that she was currently being beaten up and went after him. Samaritan didn't like being attacked, and shoved her to the ground. I decided to watch, knowing that even if I got fired for my inaction, I probably would have paid as much as I stand to make there to see this scene.

At this point, some chick in the crowd (who 1. works there, and 2. I later found out is her sister...go figure, right?) was spurred into action, charging the Samaritan with a war cry. He saw her coming, and used her momentum to pick her up and spike her on her back. (They say it's not right to hit girls, but the Samaritan knew what he was doing...he was just defending himself and didn't actually hit anybody...well played, sir.) I decided here was a good time to end this. "Yo, everybody chill the fuck out!" I bellowed in my best cop voice, placing myself in the middle and trying my hardest not to laugh. Samaritan, not wanting any trouble in the first place, simply walked away.

Eventually, Purple Rain went back in after a few parting shots,Sister got to her feet, Nipslip managed to tuck her unruly titties away, and the crowd that had somehow formed (it's another scentific fact that a public fight of any kind, especially a girlfight, will cause a tenfold multiplication in the number of witnesses for every 5 minutes it continues) will went back to enjoying the concert after it was made clear to everyone that "When Keeping it Real Goes Wrong" ain't just a sketch, it's real life shit. The moral of course, is that if you don't know when to quit, you could get your sister spiked, lose 2 fights, your decency, and your lighter, and get kicked out of a concert within 20 minutes...and I think that's something we all can use.

6.11.2010

For A Few Dollars More: a letter to my job

Dear place I collect a paycheck,

I bitch about working here a lot, but that was before you showed me just how much you care about me...not with some bullshit acknowledgement like "employee of the week" or anything...but with actual money. Who the fuck wants a bronze-toned plastic plaque embossed with "100% on time!"...that's the adult equivalent of a gold star...you can keep that shit, if you want to let me know I'm loved, slide me a few extra bucks and I'll buy my own cheap little prize trinket and a t-shirt recognizing my accomplishment. (That way when I walk into a bar at the exact start of happy hour and people look at my shirt, they can tell I'm a man who takes his punctuality very seriously...maybe I'll get faster service or a free drink.) It seems you get that...I underestimated you guys.

Anyway, when I walked up to the 12th floor to collect the advance on my paycheck (I'm taking some fuckit days next week and won't be here on payday) I never expected the gift you saw fit to give me. When I opened my check and saw some different, higher numbers I was overwhelmed with emotion and choked back tears and dollar signs from my eyes. I was so truly touched by the gesture...imagine, a place of employ so impressed with an employee's ability to appear reasonably busy all day, refrain from yanking the legal briefs of some dimwitted attorney over his head after he makes more work for me, and come back from lunch not smelling like herbal essences (I take my shirt off during my lunchtime return home so the scent doesn't snitch on me ;) ) ...that just displays a level of integrity and a level of understanding about the difficulty and mental strain of the job just not common in workplaces of today.

I just want to truly thank you one more time. I appreciate your wanting me to have funstix, alcohol, and other party favors over the weekend...really, it's the least you can do since it's mostly my dealings there that cause me to use these items. Honestly, it should be part of my medical coverage...but since you don't see it that way yet, I will take this for now. Thank you for seeing that the 5ish hours of work I put in 4 days a week (I have to write this shit sometime...) are a valuable part of the way this enterprise works...if you'll give me a bonus for doing almost nothing, (well, update umf...) I can only imagine what rich rewards await me when I start actually doing stuff...I'll never know, but that's not the point. The point is I always say I do as much work as I get paid for...and now that you've given me 1% of my salary as a gift, I promise I will work .67% harder. (Gotta account for taxes, ya know?) Good lookin...'preciate it...

Love,
AJ

6.10.2010

Holla holla holla?: An Interview

fittedwearer's note: The advent of portable technology such as mp3 players, smartphones and laptops is a boon to mankind. By enabling them to take Youtube and whatever playlist they're into wherever they roam, it allows folk to customize their experience while in transit. (Hopefully they have earphones so they don't customize everybody else's experience too...I hate people who use their music players as mini boomboxes on the train...bitch, your taste in music sucks almost as bad as your singing, next time wait for the train while standing on the track...)

However, these developments have also led to a decline in impromptu intergender interest inquiries, or the "street holla". For some, this is the intended purpose, for others it is a dramatic shift in the way wooing works...to gain further insight into this phenomenon, we turn to umf outside correspondent Blaze, who has volunteered to drop knowledge via IM.

umf: Yo what's good man? How you been?

Blaze: You know me, doin my thing...I heard you moved, cuzzo...how you like the new spot?

umf: Yeah, about a week ago...it's cool though, I'm comfortable there...I like it.

B: How many bitches you bring through there already?

umf: Reader question day is Wednesday, dude...

B: Reader? Like I would waste time reading the shit you write lol...anybody even actually go on your site?

umf: hahaha fuck you...I have readers...tens and tens lol

B: Shoyaright...anyway, what you hit me to ask about today? That's the only time you IM me...

umf: True...but we just blew the other day, what you don't remember? You need to stop smoking shit besides weed. On topic tho: in your opinion, is the street holla dead?

B: Dead? Na, I can't say all that...I still pull bitches like a pro dogwalker. I don't know what the fuck you talkin. lol maybe that's just your no-game havin ass.

umf: *sigh* Aight, let me rephrase...do you find that it's harder to do that with all the iPods and Pads and other distractions nowadays?

B: Hmm...oh aight, I see what you sayin....yeah, actually....it is a little harder out here for a pimp. You see a bitch walking down the street, and you might be tryna talk to her, but she all busy sendin a text or groovin to her party shuffle, and you get cockblocked by earphones.

umf: Cockblocked by earphones? That's the most fucked up thing I ever heard...or the least fucked, if you take that literally.

B: What? Was that a joke? I didn't get that one.

umf: You wouldn't...you have a transit pass that only lets you ride short buses...

B: Yeah, whateva nigga. Anyway, yeah like I said, if she occupied she ain't got no ear for you from jump street...you never had a chance, unless you tap her on the shoulder or some shit...you know, get her attention.

umf: I don't like doing that...when you interrupt what folk are doing with their lifestyle devices, they're way less likely to be receptive to anything you have to say, especially something...romatically inclined.

B: Why everything gotta have pretty ass words around it? You talkin to another dude right now... Just say you tryna fuck.

umf: Fair enough...especially if "you tryna fuck".

B: Listen, lemme learn you something...you have to look at it like you're giving them the opportunity to get to know you better. To holla at a bitch is basically a commercial for your personality. If she don't think your commercial is more interesting than whatever she doin', you ain't have a shot no way...and if you don't, you damn sure don't have a shot. If she cop a 'tude, it's her loss. I know I'm fly, if you don't dig me, the next bitch might have a shovel...so fuck it.

umf: So what you're saying is our technological advances technically make it harder to advance, but if you're advanced enough, it's only a technicality?

B: Um...yeah sure, that...lol...I mean, don't get me wrong, there are those females who will make a scene and try to draw on *note: that's Philly for "negatively impact in a showy or crowd pleasing manner"* you, but you know me...I'll make one right back so it don't make me no never mind...

umf: Well, I can't get down with all that...I write about that type of thing, I can't be involved in it, then somebody will be writing about my ass lol...I see your general point though...if she's really that serious to you, it's worth a shot.

B: Word...fuck her music, we can make some of our own lol

umf: Do me a favor and don't open with that line...she might Google it and it will lead her here...folk will think I endorse that kind of thing.

B: "You're posting it ain't you? Folk are gonna read it..."

umf: AHA! You do read umf...I'm touched...

B: Yeah, yeah, whatever. Dry ya panties.

umf: Mine are made of Shamwow, they don't stay wet anyway...well, we're just about out of type for today, any final thoughts?

B: Yup...grow some balls and just approach her...the worst she can say is "bye, boy".

umf: Then you can say "I don't buy boys, I sell hoes" and ask if she needs a job.

B: lolol you hang around me too much...I'm usin that tho. Aight cap, hit me up when you get off work.

umf: Got you...later, patna...

6.09.2010

Formsprung

No wild questions about my sexuality or how I look in women's clothing this week? lol...fine...anyway, here's this week's questions!


do u really answer all these questions?
yup, absolutely...I answer all these, even the...unique ones...lol...if you don't believe me, go back and read all these weekly hot seat sessions and see if I don't have a response for e v e r y t h i n g...

Are you more of a talker or more of a listener?
As you can imagine, I like talking when I have something to say (or just want to hear one of my thoughts out loud) but I also seem to be that friend everybody vents to and I like listening because thats the only way you'll ever find out things about people (even the voices in my head teach me more about myself). I like to think of myself as a conduit of conversation...

Who inspires you the most?
My mommy...she's one of the strongest women I knoew, she dealt with my ass my entire life, and is the only person on the planet I don't cuss at or around...anybody that can stem the tide of profanity that comes from my tongue and keyboard is worthy of admiration lol...

so what is your blog about?
You know what, some days I don't even know hahah...whatever I feel like typing on that given day I guess...I find limits limiting...

what does the j in aj stand for?
joint...lol...na, I caint (yes, caint) tell you all that...I'm aj, just aj...

describe yourself in one word
skip the fact that that's not a question...I couldn't even make up one word to describe myself lol

what is your line of work(besides protesting for pot :P)? and Is it boring?
Protesting for pot is my community service, and umf is my line of work...but what I actually get paid to do is juggle case files and generally look busy in a dark cave deep within the halls of a public law firm...it's not boring to me, as I find a lot of shit funny (like people getting booked for prostitution and fortune telling..true story...) and we get to talk to the 'clients' in jail sometimes (some are even nice enough to leave stalky, intensely sexual voicemails for the females in the office) so it keeps you interested.

*I'm taking a quick commercial break to shamelessly announce that I spent some time tagging all my posts recently, now if you like umf posts of a certain kind, just hit one of the keywords at the bottom to find others kinda like it...for example, if you like the event stories, click "adventures and misadventures"...you know, if you get bored or something...*

There are a few posts about it, just search or click the tag "work" to find them...

If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?
Easy...we'll assume I'm already wearing my hat since I always am, but my wallet (all my IDs, money, cards, etc), my phone/charger (it's one item, shut up!) and the nearest bottle I can find...I would definitely need a drink in that situation...

do u feel like a man? when u push her around?
do u feeeeeeel better now when she faaaaalls to the ground...hahaha...good one, I like that song... (didn't actually know what it was called, but Google tells me it's "Face Down" by the Red Jumpsuit Apparatus...)

the last girl you got down with on a scale from 1 to 10?
My, that's personal...but 6.5...yeah, I slummed a bit, but if anybody 7+ wants to volunteer, I'm open lol

Have you tried the faux burger king ribs yet?
lol! hahahah...na, not yet...I was deadass on the fence about it, I mean on the surface, ribs from BK seem and are blasphemous...but think about it this way: I can see one rogue mad BK franchise owner trying this, but this thing is national...they test market these things before they mass-release them, so how good did they have to be for them to have the audacity to attempt to serve ribs at a fast-food restaurant nationwide? I could be wrong, but I am curious.....just for you, I will eat that cake, anna mae :)

You can't cook, I know you can't cook...what do you eat at home or do you just wait for others to bring food?
lol you right, I damn sure can't...I don't let not knowing how to cook stop me from eating, but you just gave me a hell of an idea for a new section...so thx for that...matta fact, I just decided that you win a prize, so email me ( goldNboi7@gmail.com ) to claim it if ya want, since you're anonymous for now :)

have u ever regretted posting something?
Other than a few forced confessions on "Formsprung", not really lol (some of these questions, I swear hahaha) but if I typed it then I meant it...I don't post anything I don't want read...

fun as always...I feel like we all learned something lol...let's try again for next week...

6.08.2010

Defend the law, shoot a cop!

The big picture...

If you're anything like me, you like using whatever kind of camera you carry around to capture curious goings-on in the street (the basis for the "Camera Phone Ninja" series around here). Taking pictures is fun, interesting, and by definition is a record of an event...I always say that men, women, and transexuals lie, but the lens never does...which is why people, for example, folk involved in auto accidents so everyone can see whether "I can buff this scratch right out" or "you fucked my shit up texting while driving, and I'm gonna need either your insurance information or your phone and a pound of flesh".

Here in the Youtube age, cameras, camera phones, camera watches, camera wallets and whatever other devices they see fit to shove a camera into capture all kinds of things, including the bacon boys off their best behavior...that's "police brutality" for short. Yes, in twentyten the camera works both ways...no one is exempt from the unblinking eye of a pic/vid shot on the sly, and more than a few blue suits have been caught up for some shit they had no business doing by some guy who just happened to be in the right place at the right time with the right equipment to shoot a damning video. (Catching a cop breaking the law has to be a pretty sweet feeling...I imagine it's like seeing your teacher cheat on a test or watching a Muslim eat a BLT...total "Aha!" factor...) That's great...somebody has to watch the watchmen, right?

Apparently law enforcement officials don't think so. Getting exposure in city halls nationwide is a law banning unauthorized taping of police activity, including arrests, traffic stops, and stop-and-frisks. (In case you don't know what that last one is, it's a law here in Philly that basically lets an officer come up to you and say "run them pockets, son...what ya got?" for no good reason...nothing like wiping your ass with the Constitution after shitting on our rights...) Under the proposed legislations, illegal recording of police activites can carry a sentence up to 15 years...which would turn that guy who taped that Rodney King beating from an alert watchdog of society to a common criminal in the time it takes to sign the law.

So let me get this straight...the cops can put cameras in the streetlights and the storefronts and their dashboards and everyfuckinwhere else to try and catch criminals commiting crimes, but if I try to catch a criminal with a badge on tape slamming some guys head through a windshield, I could go to jail? What kind of shit is that!? Honestly, I feel attempting to make a law like this has no legitimate purpose other than to decrease public awareness of police wrongdoing...and they wonder why people think the cops are above the law...what other profession can you get into where you legally cannot be taped breaking the law under penalty of law? Does that even sound right to you?

It's bad enough that you can get shot for pulling out your phone if they think it's a gun, but even worse that if this goes through, they can arrest you even when they know your phone is a phone. The shit is wild incongruous. I don't know about you, but I only follow the laws that make sense to me, and this one (and the one banning marijuana) doesn't...so if I'm on the scene when something shady involving Philly's finest is going on, and I happen to have my camera phone on me...I will have no problem shooting a cop. (Ninjas don't get caught anyways...) Besides, if I do get arrested, I can upload the video before they even slap the cuffs on...the damage is done, and I'm sure the resulting community uproar will get me out of jail...or at least get some really cool "Free AJ" shirts printed up...

6.07.2010

Isn't it ironic?

dontcha think? lol x smh

6.04.2010

Minor Life Failures 16- Used to know you...

This one hurts, because it's partly your fault sometimes...it's happened to me a few times due to the random and fleeting nature of my life, and I must admit it hurts. You're sitting at home on some inactive Sunday afternoon, blankly staring at the TV and eating some random concoction of things you found in your refrigerator that only you would eat (spicy southwestern shells and cheese with turkey bacon, anyone?) not really because you're hungry, but because you're bored.

Your mind wanders..."damn, I need to go shopping, but this is good...I remember my roommate taught me how to make this when we only had 15 bucks in change for groceries that week...I haven't talked to them in forever, let me shoot them a text and see if they're still alive..." The conversation is short, but revealing.

You: yo what's up? haven't seen ya in a month of skipped 8am classes lol

Roomie: who is this?

You: *look at phone crushed, begin to softly weep for the lost bond and times apparently long passed*

Yeah, after you explain who you are and everything they hit you with the "oh, I got a new phone"...but odds are y'all are linked up on some friendsite anyway, so if your friendship was really that worthwhile, they would have messaged you and asked for your number. Nope, the truth is your relationship has fallen so far during the changes in both of your lives that you have become of the changes...you are no longer textworthy...how tragic. (Everyone knows the friendship levels...in order: everyday hangout friend, few times a week hangout friend, occasional hangout friend/distance friend, acquaintance, facebook friend, IM/text buddy, stranger...that's anywhere from a 4 to 7 level plunge, man!)

Usually with these Life Failures I have a few solutions so you can be better prepared to avoid fails in your day-to-day, but to this one, there is but one: never be so busy in your own existence that you forget those who exist in it...so to anybody I haven't talked to in a while, this one's for you. (This counts as a shoutout, so if I hit you up you bett'not ask me who I am...lol)

6.03.2010

Stop Snitching (on yourself)

Aight, so lately during my rounds on Facebook I've been noticing a few complaints about people "in other folks business". Its usually accompanied by some bitching about "why people are watching my statuses" or about how others are "clocking" them. Some even accuse people they know of making fake profiles just to check up on them and get all up in their Facebiz. (Yes, social networking apparently that serious in twentyten...seems like folk will go to great lengths of online espionage to secretly find out what song lyric you felt like sharing today or what you're watching on TV...gee, you must be important! Not to mention the flaw in that plan is you actually have to accept the request...so you poked the hole for that leak...)

To some, it's a pressing issue, and I feel it should be addressed...so, let me start off by reminding everybody exactly what Facebook is...it's a social networking site...social...society...as in, public domain? An important thing to remember before you hit the "post" button is that anything you put in the public domain can and probably will be seen by anybody with internet access. That's what the word "post" means...when somebody posts something in real life, do they put it in some secret area where only certain people can read it? Nope...they put it front and center where everybody that passes by it can read it and do whatever they wish with the information...it works the same way online.

I don't get it...you put whatever dirt you do online and then get shocked when people know, and not just the people you intended. (You get the feeling these are people who would sell crack out of a building labeled "TRAP HOUSE" with a big flashing neon sign and wonder why both cops and junkies are outside...I'll give you a moment to think about that... *Jeopardy music*)

How can you complain that people are snitching on you when you're THEIR informant? Yeah, they might be "run tell that", but the run is a relay race and you gave them the baton...just think about that before you tell the whole world whatever. (I put a lot of my "business" on Facebook and on here, but my caveat is that I don't give a fuck...)

Complaining about somebody reading something you post online is very closely related to putting up those homemade signs on the side of public telephones that say "Guitar Lessons!", "Lose 10 lbs FAST", or "Micros $110" with your contact number on it and then getting an attitude when folk call you asking about it...as in it makes no fucking (note the "g", you know I meant that..) sense...dude, you're the one that told them!

If you don't want people to know what you're doing...how about you don't post it on the biggest friendsite in the world? You're POSTING it...folk are gonna read it! Why do you think it's called the "New York Post" and not the "New York Secret?" It would seem to make sense...maybe too much...but hey, whatever...it's "none of my business"...lol...

6.02.2010

Formsprung

Yo umf'ers! Nice to see y'all haven't forgotten me in my absence...makes me feel important lol...anyway, it's Wednesday, so ya know what that means (and if you dont, just look 2 posts down...see a pattern?)


whats a "swilla"?

lol...well, to "swill" something is to drink it quickly, and I felt it made sense cuz...you know, it's about drank...and me being the "swiller" and not being able to use "er" because I'm all urban and shit...yeah, that, basically...


Have u eva paid for sexual activities???

Sure have...what did you think you were doing when you took that chick on a date or bought her a ________ in the hopes of getting some? But directly, as in "here's 50 bucks, let's go in this alley and give your crabs a summer home in my crotch"...no, never...


What is probably the first thing you notice about a pretty girl?

Depends on what's pretty about her, I assume we're talking straight physical here...I can appreciate all the wonderful shit that makes up a female (I do <3 titties tho...real original, right?), but if there's nothing to notice she actually becomes transparent in my view...crazy but true.


when's the last time u got some? don't lie niether!

Too long ago lol...I swear that's the truth...


how many facebook friends do u have?

Around 110...it's a pretty exclusive group, mostly comprised of people I actually know from somewhere (nobody really has 1,500 friends...) and the list is trimmed of folk with nothing worthwhile to contribute to my online experience every few months...you know that rule about if you haven't worn something in a year, you probably won't, so just get rid of it? I feel that way about facebook friends...if I haven't seen you say shit worth saying in 3 months, you probably won't lol...the plan is to keep the number under 150ish...


what do u want to be when you grow up?

Myself...some people go their whole lives without doing that.


How would you describe great sex?

"ucking"...it's ineffable...lol... (English jokes, too highbrow? Yes, no? hahaha)


What's a skill of yours that you're proud of besides writing?

Well, I can throw a football 65-70 yards, I'm very competent with a drink shaker, I can make a joke out of almost anything, I can spot a hoe from a distance of 1.35 blocks, and I'm not bad with my tongue (public speaking, I mean...oratory...lol)


Do you ever NOT have something to say?

Well, I'm answering this question...so no, I guess I don't never not have anything to not say...or...something...


Soooo wen u cumin to cali???

Soon as my prescription marijuana card comes in the mail...


Is da head of ur wii wii as big as the one on ur shoulders?

I don't even have a Nintendo--oh wait, I see...um, no obviously or I'd wear a hat on both :p

(for the record, I wear a 7 1/2...fitted, nasty...)


wtf is a 'captnaj' lol

It's "captain aj", my party boy superhero alter-ego...duh...rolls funstix faster than a speeding bullet, makes drinks more powerful than a locomotive, takes 3 tall shots in a single round...mostly comes out on fridays lol... *whoosh*


would you consider yourself boyfriend material?

I can honestly say I do...I mean, I feel like under all my...facetiousness...I'm a pretty good guy. I'm definitely willing to be Mr. Right...but some of these females out here make me into Mr. Left-Yo-Ass...I can't deal with a lot of these bitches lol...seriously tho, if the woman comes along, I'm the man for her...



Sweet...we got sexual, we got personal, we got real, we got more than a little foolish, that about covers it, right? Another successful week of "Formsprung"...thanks for being curious (in more ways than one) and we'll do this again one day next week...guess which? Til then...go for it...