8.31.2010

Fembership Dues

It's an oft-quoted fact that the average woman in America makes about 15% less than her male counterpart in a similar position. Now, at first glance, that may seem incongruous...fucked up even...that in twentyten, where a person's abilities are not directly attributed to the presence or absence of a Y chromosome, that there is still so large a gap in labor compensation.

However, what many women don't know is that that 15% is a luxury tax, the proceeds of which go to many fine programs in society that benefit women every day. Most everyone I know has to pay for their benefits, and women are no different...oh, you don't know about these programs? Well let me enlighten you:

-About 10% of the proceeds go to keeping women out of the Selective Service. You see, in a country where 80% of the population is somehow unfit for military duty, voluntary enlistment is at historic low levels, and wars may continue up to 7 years after the "end of major combat operations", the draft may return at some time...and as of now, 100% of women are ineligible for that.

Of course, there would be women who would sign up in wartime to defend our country, but you can thank the deduction in your pay for the choice...after all, in twentyten men and women are equal, which means Jane could take a bullet just as well as Dick...but since you pay the tax, you don't have to.

- 24% of the proceeds from the tax go to express passes from dangerous situations such as cruise line crashes and burning buildings. You ever heard the term "women and children first?", it happens that way because y'all pay the tax, and thus get early departure privileges. (Children, as always, are free under 12.) It's like an rescue EZpass. You read right, that's not chivalry...it died of natural causes a couple decades ago. That's the luxury tax hard at work for you.

-20% of the proceeds go to that extra 5 years of life chicks get on average. Peep, the average lifespan for a healthy human male is about 74 years, a female around 79. But with Social Security rapidly drying up, some even estimating it'll be fully sucked up by 2050, measures will eventually have to be taken to decrease payout, including the raising of the full retirement age, which is already 70.

If it is increased just a few years, it means that the average man will never see a dime of Social Security while the average woman will see 5+ years of checks. Despite the decreased pay through most of your life, you're getting a return on the back end...which is in no way a sex joke, but might be made into one if I was talking about people under 70.

-Like 14% goes to ridiculous alimony settlements. You see, it's about as hard for a living man to collect alimony as it is for a dead man to collect Pokémon cards, but you can expect if there's money involved and no prenup, the woman will get her payday. Why is this? Because she paid into the pot on the luxury tax. (Tiger! I'm sorry, I tried to get through that one without a reference to that, but much like him lately, I just couldn't make the cut.) Fair is fair...kinda.

- A good 18.5% goes to funding more sick days, which the average woman takes, and extended maternity leaves, which the average man does not.

- 8% is a global tolerance fee for the 5 days a month where...ah, fuck it, you know where this is going. (Its not worth it to finish that joke. Another .5% goes to making observations like that, even facetious ones, politically incorrect, and there's probably a fine involved...or at least a misogyny accusation, which is absurd because I love bitches.)

- Typically, 10% of the pot is left unearmarked for ventures like ladies nights all over the world, various girl power movements and the WNBA. (Something is keeping that thing afloat, right?)

Hopefully, ladies, you found this look into what happens to your money when you notice that your check and the guy across the hall's check are about 15% apart compelling and rich. Personally, I think it's a really good deal...you're getting a lot for your money. Hell, if it wasn't for childbirth and the loss of mobile urination, I would switch positions with y'all in a second. Anyway, thanks for reading. I realize it's probably the last time for like half of y'all...lol...

8.27.2010

Word Up!

Well, since I shared the words I most wish would be excommunicated (honorable mention) from the American English language yesterday, I guess it's only fitting that I tell you about the words I love to use. These words either bring a smile to my face or give me a funny mental image that I will try my best to intimate (another one that almost made the list, because I like both meanings) to you here. Same deal as yesterday:

acclaim- to praise enthusiastically and often publicly

I fucks with it because: Its such a positive word...you just imagine people following you around loudly gushing with adoration for you or something you've done...it's great!

aquiesce- to consent without protest

I fucks with it because: it's so agreeable and friendly...when I ask a woman out, I would like her to acquiesce...

attack- what, do you wear a helmet or something?

I fucks with it because: it's so aggressive...it just sounds like you're ready to go batshit crazy, leap onto somebody and wail on them with all 4 limbs and a few headbutts while ripping at their clothes and screaming wildly...it's one thing to threaten to beat somebody up, but its quite another to attack them.

brandish- to wave an item in an challenging or defiant way

I fucks with it because: it sounds so skillful and confident...anybody can "hold" or "display" something, but if you brandish something, clearly you know how to handle it. Plus brandishing your middle finger sounds much better than showing it.

browbeat- to intimidate in an overbearing manner, bully

I fucks with it because: it actually involves no physical contact but sounds like a series of devastating strikes to the forehead to ensure cooperation.

cavalier- (adj form)- carefree and nonchalant

I fucks with it because: it's one of the best adjectives anybody has ever used to describe me...

charisma- a mysterious gift that makes one attractive to others, a personal quality that inspires intense positive feelings

I fucks with it because: I've been told it's one of my best character traits (besides my modesty of course...)

conflagration- a huge, destructive fire

I fucks with it because: "inferno" is cool sounding, but so common..."conflagration" sounds like something that scorched the Earth's crust all the way through.

demand- to ask for urgently

I fucks with it because: Demanding something means there are consquences for noncompliance. It's such a strong, powerful word. Requesting is "please", demanding is "gimme, bitch!"

devise- to form, plan or arrange in the mind

I fucks with it because: it sounds like an extremely intelligent thing to do...anybody can make a plan, only a genius (likely evil) can devise one.

defenestrate- to throw something/someone out of a window
I fucks with it because: It's awesome that English has a word for that specific action. How many people were thrown out of windows before a term for the procedure became necessary? By the time somebody figures out what it means when someone threatens to defenestrate them, they'll be outside...

extraordinary- highly unusual, exceptional, or remarkable

I fucks with it because: It sounds amazing and rare, doesn't it? Plus I like to pronounce it like I imagine Sherlock Holmes did: "ex-straw-din-reh!"

facetious- cleverly amusing in tone

I fucks with it because: it should be my middle name lol

flourish- to make bold, sweeping movements

I fucks with it because: Flourishes look cool, I do them often...and it sounds so elegant..every time I hear it, I picture someone in a powdered wig making an elaborate signature on a sheet of parchment paper by candlelight...

fuck- what can't it mean?

I fucks with it because: have you ever been on this site before?

fury- unrestrained, violent anger

I fucks with it because: it just sounds fiery and vengeful...anger has nothing on fury...it sounds like flames emit from my body, I can shoot lasers from my eyes and punch speeding trains to a stop...GRR!

giggle- a short, spasmodic laugh

I fucks with it because: it sounds like exactly what it is...

incendiary- inflammatory, likely to cause fire
I fucks with it because: the term "incendiary remarks" cracks me up...what words can somebody say that are so bad they cause those around them to spontaneously combust?

indubitably- without a doubt, surely

I fucks with it because: Say it. Indubitably. Say it with an English accent. Indubitably. Say it with your nose turned up in the air and your eyes closed. Indubitably. Do you sound classy? Indubitably. It's just a damn fun word to use.

insurrection- open revolt against civil authority

I fucks with it because: civil disobedience sounds like pussy shit compared to an insurrection. Hell, even a riot looks like a boy scout activity when compared to it....an insurrection is a full scale mob brandishing torches, ballistic pitchforks and bazookas marching down to City Hall to protest a $300 tax...

manhandle- to handle roughly

I fucks with it because: As a description of a fight, it just sounds like you got fucked all up...hit with a 5-piece combo, spartan kicked into a pile of trash, picked up, chokeslammed, flung to the other side of the street like a ragdoll, then kicked in the nuts and left for dead...badass.

projectile- a thrown or shot object

I fucks with it because: it just sounds futuristic and deadly, even though something as simple as a balled up piece of paper or a frozen orange can be a projectile.

pummel- to beat mercilessly

Why I fucks with it: that, to me is getting your face quickly and repeatedly punched like a speed bag. The image makes me laugh every time...

swift- rapid or quick

I fucks with it because: it's the fastest sounding of the common synonyms for "fast"...whenever I think of swift, I think of a rabbit running though an open field fast enough to leave a swath of momentarily flattened grass in its wake...

unmitigated- free and unchecked

I fucks with it because: the phrase "unmitigated gall" is one of my favorite in the English language.

vanquish- to defeat a foe

I fucks with it because: it sounds triumphant and epic...like you slayed a dragon or something. Ending a barfight by sliding someone down the bartop and flinging them into the wall is the closest you can get without a sword.

vitriol- malice, anger or extreme ill will

I fucks with it because: It sounds like one of the deadliest poisons known to man! If you have vitriol towards somebody, even if you don't wish they were dead, you would buy a leather bound gold leaf print copy of their obituary.

vivified- renewed, resurrected, reenergized
I fucks with it because: it doesn't start with "re"...I get sick of words with "re" sometimes...as far as that family of synonyms goes, it's a nice repreive (dammit!)

worthless- utterly lacking value

I fucks with it because: it's a hurtful ass insult...call somebody worthless and see how crestfallen they get. Even a penny in a pile of shit has worth, and to imply that somebody is completely worthless...well, that's not nice. (Which is why I love it...)

zap- to strike with a current of electricity
I fucks with it because: one of my favorite things in my house is my zap racket, which I use to kill flying annoyances. Also, it's vaguely onomatopoeiaic, and those kinds of words always get me buzzing.


Aight y'all, those are words everyone should definitely consider using more. (not too much though, we don't want stupid people hearing you, thinking the words sound smartful and misusing them...) Now, if you'll excuse me, it's Friday and I have to go prepare to get intoxicated (yet another that almost made it). Happy Friday umf!

8.26.2010

Cursed Words

I'm a person who realizes the English language is quite an interesting little toy. (It's not? Then how the hell else can you play on words?) But, like some toys, parts of it present a choking hazard when placed in the mouth. I'm not talking about standard cuss words, I don't even look like the kind of asshole who gives a flying fuck about that type of shit. There just are certain words I just can't stand to hear or speak, either because of definition, connotation, sound, or even just my own nonsensical reasons triggered on by the random mental images they inspire and I would appreciate if none of y'all would use them around me whether we're online or off. (Of course, as a professional smartass, I realize posting this list is an engraved invitation to pack every one of them into a sentence and use it...please don't, I'm asking you as a friend...lol..) a partial list with definitions and explanation follows:

aloof - apart, at a distance (esp. in interest or emotion)

Why the hate?: it just sounds it describes like a cocky, overbearing middle school principal or some self-important asshole cop with control issues at home that he takes out on the streets...nosir, I don't like it..not one bit.

blog- what you're reading right now

Why the hate?: Well there's an entire post about that, but I can sum it up quickly... 1) it sounds like somebody throwing up their internal organs, 2) I have one and I sort of feel like a hypocrite, 3) there ain't a lot of synonyms for it so I can only dance around using it for so long...grr...

bloviate- to speak in a pompous manner

Why the hate?: As if being pompous wasn't bad enough, it sounds like some kind of gay scientist trying to describe his first experiments in...chemistry...eww...

coitus- sexual intercourse

Why the hate?: It might be the only word to describe sex that is actually a turnoff...if a girl screamed out "I love our coitus!" in the middle of sex, I'm pretty sure my dick would deflate so fast it would shoot around the room like a balloon somebody blew up, didn't tie, and let go. Any word that can make sex sound unsexy is just wrong.

cunt- in the words of Jake from "Two and a Half Men"...oh, YOU KNOW...

Why the hate: Just look at it! It just looks vulgar as all hell, doesn't it? For a word that means what it means, it's not even vaguely arousing. It's just acerbic...seriously, make sure nobody can hear you, then say it out loud real quick...it just feels like poison and razor blades come out whenever the word is spoken. It's the one cuss word that makes even me cringe. Luckily, it's not used a lot on this side of the pond...yay!

erotic- of a sexual nature

Why the hate?: Oh, guess I was wrong about "coitus"...this one is pretty bad too. It just conjures up images of shady old men browsing the aisles at an adult movie store, trenchcoat lapels high as a disguise, lube in one hand and dick in the other asking "where are all most erotic materials!?"...that doesn't sound sexy at all, at least to me.

eviscerate-
to remove the insides of something

Why the hate?: I don't like blood too much, and every time I hear it I picture some scene straight out of the "Saw" series...some poor, still living guy slit down the middle like a fish staggering down the street with his entrails dragging all on the ground before slowly dying in a pool of his own waste spilled by his cut intestines...lovely, right?

menstruate- do I really have to?

Why the hate?: I'm a boy.

pox- one of any number of afflictions characterized by small lesions on the dermis

Why the hate?: Doesn't it just sound horrible? I mean, the definition is bad enough, but it really makes you picture boils and pimples and shit bubbling on the surface of somebody's skin...if I didn't detest the word so much, I would wish genital pox on those I hate...but I can't even bring myself to do it...

probe- an investigation, an exploratory procedure

Why the hate?: Ever seen a movie with aliens? Yeah.

pus- what's probably in your pox

Why the hate?: What's to like about pus? It sounds like exactly what it is, and that's the worst part about it.

smegma- Google that shit, I'm not typing that...

Why the hate?: Google it and find out...otherwise just trust me...

Well, that's a partial list of the words even I find offensive. Once again, I ask you to avoid these words as much as possible, but if you must...please speak responsibly. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.

8.25.2010

Formsprung

Well, it's Wednesday once again...time to let it quip...

Do you stay friends with your exes?
Oh yay...all the benefits of a failed relationship without the sex, sign me right on up!

Do you look at porn? What kind of porn do you like?
Yeah, as much as anybody else with a dick I suppose...don't askme what none of those bitches names are though, I don't exactly collect the trading cards or anything...and I like the kind that doesn't involve jousting, but I have a powerful imagination so my favorite porn is uh...user generated...lol...

If you were in the witness protection program and had to completely change your style and identity... who would you be?
I would move to San Diego where I would shave my beard, grow it again, pop the collars on all my polo shirts and make enough money to eat by being a ventriloquist with a life size Justin Bieber puppet...

you have 200 dollars to spend for one month , how would you budget liquor and marijuana into that?
Easy...( I assume you mean $200 after the bills are paid) I'd get an ounce of regs, a couple bottles of cheap vodka and maybe a case of beer and still have about $50 to spend on munchies...these economic times will test and improve anybody's budgeting skills...

What is the craziest nickname someone has given you?
Well they called me "Fuck it" down at college because of an incident involving a cold night, a laundry room, weed and an unwillingness to go outside, some chick I knew once called me "sevenmuffin" (a hybrid of my sports jersey number and what was supposed to be a cute name), a certain friend of mine still calls me "Apple Jacks", and Shenicole often refers to me as "Big Kuntry"...just because, I guess...

did you see this? http://www.washingtonexaminer.com/opinion/blogs/beltway-confidential/philly-requiring-bloggers-to-pay-300-for-a-business-license-101264664.html
Yeah I did...it was on the cover of Tuesday's Metro, but thanks for making absolutely sure it got to my attention...


lol did you really send that letter to the mayor?
Full disclosure, no...I forgot, but I will today cuz I'm just as pissed off as yesterday...plus I'll do you one better ;) (details TBA)


I like your blog but do you have to curse so much?
Yup...it's a fuckin style choice...plus I talk like this in real life lol

Do you think they should let them build a mosque on the WTC site?
Aight, I've been casually tracking this story for a while now (mostly because nobody will shut the fuck up about it) so here we go...

1) It's not JUST a mosque...it's a 15 floor community center with a ball court, a swimming pool and other shit...a YMMA, if you will...

2) Even if it WAS just a mosque, it's a place of worship and a high profile platform for Islam as a peaceful religion, not a secret Al-Quaida training base...calm the fuck down...

3) It's not even ON the WTC site...it's 4 blocks away...if there are 2 Starbucks, a train station, 5 McDonalds and a Banana Republic inbetween 2 places, how close are they really?

4) Sure, the people responsble for 9/11 just happen to be Muslim, but the people responsible for many of the atrocities in human history are Christian and it doesn't mean all of either group are bad people...hell, I bet they could build a church under your grandmomma house and you would be fine with it...so what's the big deal?

5) This whole story reeks of thinly mosque'd hatred... (sorry, couldn't resist one...)

6) I'm really glad I'm not a Muslim a Christian or anything else, really...too much drama over things nobody can prove or has lived to tell about...

7) NFL season really needs to start so we can have something else to talk about...lol...


That was fun...thanks to everybody who participated this week, and if you've got a burning question for me next week, put it in the tastefully color coordinated question box >over there> or if you like to think outside the box:

8.24.2010

Not So Free Speech: A letter to City Hall

Dear Mayor Michael Nutter/City of Philadelphia/whatever pencil-pushing City Hall teabagger came up with this money grubbing bullshit,

My name is AJ. I'm a citizen, a taxpayer and a taxpayer. I know I said "taxpayer" twice, that's not a typo. You see, you bunch of corrupt and miserly fucks have come up with ways to put an extra little tax on everything from soda to trash collection (not even to mention the bullshit little fines for things like overgrown weeds, premature trash putouts, and parking meters that have expired by 45 seconds...there's no way in hell I owe society $35 for going over my time 3 minutes when I put 6 dollars in the damn thing 2 hours ago...) so you can afford to put in the budget all the luxuries that come with public service in this city like free parking in $20-an-hour lots and expensive lunches at Philly's finest and most expensive restuarants. All I do is pay fucking taxes, but I've dealt with it for my entire time here...whatever, I guess.

But now you've gone too far. Now you've pissed me off. The next other-people's-penny-pinching scheme you've got all cooked up is a $300 dollar tax on bloggers that have ads on their blogs. (That will be the only 2 times you see that word in this letter because I hate it, but you had to know for sure what I was talking about here.) You're calling it a 'business license', but come on now, really? Sure, technically I do make a few pennies at a time from this, but I would estimate the average bum standing in front of Dunkin' Donuts holding doors and asking for change all day makes more than I do doing this. Are you gonna start taxing those mafuckas too? They're businesses, right? Start requiring that the folk in Center City that dance in the streets and play instruments in the subway for loose change give you a 15% cut? Do you count them as performing arts groups or small record labels? I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you people?

You've even gone so far as to send out collection notices that threaten consequences for nonpayment. Really, what makes this any different than one of those Mafia shakedowns from those old gangster films where some goon walks into a store and demands payment for protection because "it would be a shame if something unfortunate happens...". I personally haven't gotten a notice yet, but I'm pre-emptively sending you one to let you know that you can save about 5 cents in this year's budget and not even waste time sending one. I'm NOT paying that shit. I'm probably gonna wipe my ass with it, and if I get a second one I'll do it again and send it back to you.

The only way I'm giving you $300 for writing umf is if you send your most attractive female agent out to collect it personally and she gives me a happy ending. Either way, y'all can blow me. I'm serious as a heart attack about this...and if you take umf away from me as a result, I'll just go back to writing Facebook notes. I'll stand on the corner of 15th and Market with a megaphone barking my opinions into the streets. I'll climb City Hall in the dead of night and write an entire post on the side of the building in spray paint, but I will not, repeat, NOT pay that tax. Do with me what you will, I'm not doing anything illegal (yet). Just know if the budget hinges on people like me paying this tax, the doors are gonna fall off fast...trust me on that one.

Fuck you very much,
AJ

8.23.2010

Death Wish

So over the weekend, I attended a family funeral. (In lieu of flowers, I accept comments on posts in the archive :p) Anybody that has been to one knows what a depressing, soul-sucking affair it is...a mix of family, friends, and a couple people who just really want to make sure the person is dead sit, uncofortably dressed in some hot, stuffy church, look at the plastic-looking puppet that used to be the person they knew and listen to some dude go on and on about things nobody knows for sure and are not making the deceased any less dead. (I died a little inside having to actually sit still for 2 consecutive hours, but that's probably unrelated.)

After the ceremony is over, 6 people are drafted to carry a box full of rotting meat out to a hole in the ground that they drop it in and bury so it can't rise out of the ground and become a zombie or something. (I had that job...they call it being a pallbearer and that makes sense to me now because I had never had to bear being more appalled than that moment...) After that, usually the attendees go to the will-reading. (Luckily they skipped that part...I come from a long line of broke people, so the only will was somewhere in the sentence "who the hell pay for this funeral?")

Then there's the repast, which is a bunch of people who have seen each other maybe twice in their entire lives but happen to share the same last name eat, force small talk and pretend to like each other before they go home and talk about each other. ("Did you see Aunt Belinda? She got faaaaat..." "Uncle Calvin ought to be ashamed of himself, wearing that royal blue button down bowling shirt with a screenprint of a dragon to the funeral...scandalous." "Did you see that little whore Cousin Mike-Mike showed up with? She was half his age!")

You know what I say? I say fuck that shit. Why go through all that? It's all so fake...they could make a reality TV show about funerals. (Let me shut up before some asshole programming exec stumbles upon this...) I thought about it, there has to be a better way...and I think I've got it. My funeral is going to be different...way different. Hopefully it'll be quite some time before this is necessary, but I'll cover myself now by outlining my final wishes...well, the first draft, anyway:

My funeral will not be in a church...I want to be dead exactly as I lived. First of all, the average funeral costs $8,000. (thank you, Colonial Penn commercials...your depiction of old folk happily discussing their coming demise and its cost adds a bit more entertainment to my daytime TV.) I do ask that the people I love come up with about that much, but screw the service...let's go green...kick the body in the woods so I can fertilize the trees and feed the animals...what the fuck do I care, I'm dead! I'm pretty much done with my mansuit at that point. Take half that money, rent a party room somewhere, buy all the buffalo wings, liquor and weed that can be had, put a big picture of me somewhere in the room and mingle away...you know, tell funny anecdotes from my life and discuss umf posts. (They're the same thing...)

Here's another idea...instead of those bullshit obituaries where everyone's a saint (who writes these things? It's like, yo...the person in that box and the person you're describing don't even know each other. It could be a child molestor who lured children into his basement with Klondike bars for fun and they'd just say he was "an affectionate, giving man who loved kids".) there should be a hourlong session where everybody can say, uncensored, what they actually thought of me...say whatever you want, it's cool, I just want to know.

As far as the attendees go, there will be no dress code. (Cowboys apparel and fitted baseball caps are, however, encouraged as a memorial gesture.) As a matter of fact, if you show up looking uncomfortable, you will be turned away. Oh yeah, and if you didn't know or associate with me in life, after I'm dead is not the time to get familiar. Distant family, indifferent parties and other people who would have been dragged there against their will, my final gift to you is to stay right where you're at...you have better things to do than pretend to care about me after it's too late to make a difference. It's fine, I wouldn't be caught dead with people like you anyway. Of course, you guys who read this are invited. Oh, and that other $4,000? Divide that up evenly among the guests and take it home...just so nobody that cares about me can say I never did anything for them.

Hopefully, my wishes are followed to the letter. Thanks in advance for your cooperation! (Seriously, if I find out somebody screwed this up I'm gonna haunt the living shit out of them...*oOoOoOH!* I'm gonna key their car, trip them down a flight of spiral stairs, deflate every erection they ever get and steal all their left shoes...so get it right, dammit!)

8.19.2010

PSA: Type 'M' for Murder?


Hey y'all...Facebook is a lot of things...a place to chat with friends, a place to keep track of relationships stretched thin by distance and circumstance, a place where one can raise pretend farm animals and shit while they probably should be doing work of some kind...but, as one Facebooker found out, it is not a place to hire a hit man. You read that correctly, Facebook gangstanism (future post? Better believe it...) has been taken to a whole new level...we are now at the point in online society where people actually make tagged life threats against people on their friendslists...meet Corey Adams, the first man to be arrested for conspiracy to murder on Facebook.

You see, 19 year old Corey Adams was mad. He found out a girl he knew was about to accuse him of rape (he probably found out when she put up a status about it...it only makes sense...) and he decided to do something about it...he wanted her rubbed out. (Love that phrase...it sounds like a massage or something, but it's a really nice way to say you're having someone's next birthday canceled.) But how does one find a hitman? Hang out in shady dive bars? Check the classified ads in the back of CityPaper? Look in the Yellow Pages between "Haberdashery" and "Home Remodeling"? No...update your Facebook status to say you "have $500 on her head"! (Really? $500? Where are you gonna find a decent hitman for $500? You're lucky if you can get a meth addict to stab somebody with a shard of glass wrapped in dirty tape for $500...some things you just can't do on a budget.) Guy's a dickhead...his hats should have reservoir tips.

What people may not know is that it's just as illegal to threaten somebody's life in text as in words...probably even more so, because you can deny that you said you have $500 on somebody's head, but posting it on Facebook is...kinda stupid. It's saved in public record with your name attached to it. In a real life analogy, the difference between joking with one of your co-workers that you're going to kill your boss and standing outside your job handing out little laminated flyers saying you're going to kill your boss with a picture of your state ID on the back. It's gonna hurt your defense a little in court...as proof, Corey is now being held in some jail way out in the middle of Pennsylvania where only the Klan and the Amish live on $300,000 bail...that's probably his last status update for a while.

I'm pretty free with my status box, but there are just some things you don't solicit on Facebook. After all, the cops are using it now. It's pretty simple to me...if you're a prostitute, that's cool, but you don't put your rates in your "About Me" box. If you sell crack, aight...but you don't put up a status talking about how you got rocks out with directions to your hood. If you want to hire a person to make somebody dead...well, ok...but you probably shouldn't tell everybody you know on Facebook...just sayin'. So yeah...don't do it to yourself. (Besides, if you want any of those things you should use Craigslist like a normal person...) Kthxbye!

*whips mic around head by cord a few times, slings into crowd*

8.18.2010

Formsprung

Ah, Wednesday...another edition of "Formsprung", where I totally waive my right to remain silent...even against my better judgement sometimes...lol...

What super heroine would your perfect girl be most like?
Oh, it's gotta be Mrs. Incredible...she's a good mom, she cooks, she cleans, plus do I have to sit here and explain to a (probably) grown person why having an elastic sex partner would be great? I don't think I do...lol...

Ideally, you and your future wife would have a combined weight of...
lol...What are we, a wrestling tag team? Um...let's see, I'm 230ish so...maybe around 400?

SOO... Bermuda Triangle, Landing Strip, Tamed Garden, Bald Eagle ORRR Full on Chewbacca?!?!?!?
lololol...its funny how I've literally never heard 4 of those terms but know what you're talking about...I'll accept any of the 1st 3, but "Bald Eagle" reminds me of a 12 yr old girl and Chewbacca...just no. Picking hairs from between my teeth es no bueno...haha good one!

Have you had sex with any of your readers?
hahaha...technically, I guess... (it sounds way cooler if I don't explain further...)

Why are the SAINTS so awesome? P.S. BlackNGold 2 the superbowl!!!!
Admittedly they are...they're the current Super Bowl champs, dontcha kneaux...but don't expect a repeat, my 'Boys are ready this year!

How do you think your last girlfriend would describe you all's relationship?
Hmm....I really don't know..."over" I guess...lol...

So you think drunk driving is ok?
Okay, so I can see where you would get that from the post yesterday, but let me make this clear: if there are any other options (cab ride, lift from a friend, train, crashing for the night) you should avoid driving drunk at all costs. That said, everybody's gotta get home and I'm sure many of y'all have hopped in the car while not stone cold sober...but you were still functional.

Now, if you're falling all over yourself and throwing up on the door handle while trying to drunkdial an ex, you probably shouldn't drive...but if you can sleep it off a little then get going, I don't have a problem with that. Sure drunk driving kills people (not as many as texting while driving, but still...), but so does sober driving if you suck at it, like many folk do...so just drive like you have some gahdamn sense, and you should be fine either way.

Have you ever been arrested?
Yeah...but once again, it sounds way cooler if I don't explain further...

Love the letter, but you do know there ARE Cheaters DVDs, right?
No, I didn't...now I do. What I don't know is what the fuck kind of readers I have that wouldn't tell me this the same day lol...even worse, I actually know some of yall! You coulda mentioned that. What the hell, man...a few of you have even been to the Treehouse to smoke and watch it (I call them "Chief and Cheat" sessions) ...nobody thought to bring the damn DVD? Fuck y'all...for real. Grr.

You really write all this yourself?
Every last pun...I don't know, it just kinda comes to me...whatever it is, I hope I don't find the "off" switch on it...

If a girl says "no" to The Question, can they still be good?
You know what, I'll answer you in post form...thanks for that...

lol where the fuck do you come up with these horrible but interesting food creations?
Well, they say necessity is the mother of invention...and if that's so, intoxcation is its proud father...there are some things in this world that nobody sober came up with...lava lamps, cheese fries...hell, the Shake Weight? Yeah, Bachelor Kitchen is definitely a mix of ingenuity and inebriation (probably should be indigestion too, but I have the digestive system of Adam from Man v. Food...well, almost...)

If one of your readers found your number somehow and called you, would you answer?
No...I don't answer unknown numbers (or the phone, barely) at all...they'd have a much better shot with a text, I'm always moving my thumbs...lol...

How many readers do you think you have?
That's a good question...and the honest answer is "I don't know"...I know I have like 20 subscribers and get 100 views on a good day, so accounting for ghostreaders without Google accounts, somewhere between 30 and 70 would be my guess... (hey, it's more than the 6 I started out with...feel free to bring friends though :) )

What's your favorite post of yours?
That's like asking a mother which kid is her favorite...jeez man! Just for fun though, I'll throw a few out in no real order:

1) "What I learned in '09"
2) "I just don't see it: Nicki Minaj"
3) "The Rude, Crude Fast Food Attitude"
4) "Cut 101"
5) "Social Networking"
6) "Red, Red Wine"
7) "What the Friday"

I also had a ball writing the Hoodrat field guide, and I have to mention that letter I wrote to ya'll...I meant that shit.


Looks like that's it for this week...was it good for you too? lol...anyway, if you wanna get answered (or just all up in my business) next Wednesday, there's a blue question box somewhere >over there> ...but if you can't or dont wanna find it, I put the link down there every week:


(see, there it was!)

8.17.2010

Random Thoughts 44- Facebook Wall of Shame


Well, it's finally happened...you knew it was coming. I knew it was coming too, I just didn't post about it because I didn't want to give them ideas, but it has begun...somewhere in the part of New Jersey between the Meadowlands and Atlantic City that nobody cares about, a revolution in law enforcement tactics has begun: a local police department has begun to publish mugshots of people accused of DUI and other offenses on its Facebook page. (Sure, it's only Jersey's problem now...but that's what they said about those "Jersey Shore" fools and they managed to spread like terminal dick cancer, so it's only a matter of time before this does too. It's coming to a town near you, bet on it.) The answers are there...well, all the ones they'll give us..."We're the police, we can do whatever the fuck we want." What I have...are questions.

1) Is this even legal? I mean, I understand the need to scare drunk drivers off the road, but "accused" isn't the same as "convicted"..well, except in the court of Facebook, where rumors spread 200 people at a time. You're guilty as soon as you pop up on the news feed. I bet any amount of money if you get tagged on Facebook on the police e-blotter, all your friends will text you about it before you even see it on there, and it's never good to take a day off of work to beat a DUI then need a whole other day just to explain to your Facebook friends what happened...nobody has that much sick time.

2) How would it feel to get on Facebook and get a notification that says "You have one new warrant!"? it's hard enough sifting through the endless stream of party invites from party promoters who don't have the slightest idea who I am (now those are people who deserve jail time...I don't know you, mafucka! Why on earth would I attend your janky little shindig?) and offers to join groups like "I hate my job" (Really? So does everybody else, join the fucking party!) without people's rap sheets mixed in. It's just too much.

3) What if they actually get Facebooked? Thrown in the iPaddy Wagon and hauled off to the iron bar spambox? If the accused party has a Facebook account and actually does go to jail, he'll probably have to delete his account (emphasis on "probably"), but he may still get poked on a regular. That's more than my recommended daily amount of irony.

4) Will this affect Facebook ads? I can see advertisements for at-home breathalyzers, Chaser pills and 5 hour energy right on the sidebar of the page ("Want to stay off this list? Try thesefine products!") ...it only makes sense.

5) How prank-proof is this system? I wouldn't put it beyond some asshole to tag his friend into the system for laughs and accidentally get him fired when his boss sees it. (Why people have their bosses as friends on Facebook anyway is something I don't understand, but we'll tackle that in a later post.) I mean, if you can get fired for your Facebook pictures, I'm pretty sure you can get the pink slip for being on "Facebook's Most Wanted".

6) When are they gonna start using this where it counts? Fuck DUI and other small-change crimes...put child molestors and rapists pics up. I mean, they're gonna be posting perps anyway, why not e-mbarrass some lowlife scum instead of some guy who just had one too many and had to get home? (A lot of us have done it...you would be surprised how alert some open windows and loud music can make you for about half an hour...that's long enough to get home from pretty much anywhere at letout hours.) Start putting those creep ass dudes on Faceblast instead.

7) Why the hell would anybody be friends with their local police department on Facebook? What are you, some kind of online informant? A rat with a mouse? Come on now, plenty of people are friends with cops on Facebook, but that's because some of them are people too...you're friends with THE cops. The police department. It's like following the Philadelphia Parking Authority on Twitter. I don't know if I want friends like that, or friends who have friends like that, on or offline...just sayin'.

Just wondering, you know?

8.13.2010

Bachelor Kitchen: La Matin Apres Grilled Cheese

Many are the days I've wanted to pop out of bed after a night of hard drinking and go get a delicious McGriddle or something to give me ballast as my mind was tossed about in the river of alcohol I had poured into myself only hours before. (McDonalds would to well to have an ad campaign touting the curative properties of its breakfast menu...seriously, an Egg McMuffin does more to help a hangover than anything on the market actually designed to do so...)

However, the problem is very few McDonalds exist inside my apartment and anybody that's woken up in such a state knows that "leaving the house" ain't exactly the first thing that you might want to do before 11:00, when most McDonalds stop serving breakfast, and it would be tremendously...disappointing...to arrive there at 11:00:37 and them not have any greasy egg based sandwiches to combat my party sickness. Since making like El Pollo Loco and thrashing the cashier with the bad news would probably turn out much worse for a large black man such as myself, I was forced to find alternate solutions to my portable breakfast needs...after some experimentation on a few dizzy mornings (the drinking was part of the scientific process!) La Matin Apres Grilled Cheese was born.

The Matin Apres, besides being rough French for "the morning after", is more or less an entire breakfast that one can ingest relatively quickly (for fast-acting relief), can be held in the hand (no need for knives or forks or any other extra shit you might hurt yourself on in your still-intoxicated state) is pretty damn good, and you can even make like Craig's momma in "Friday" and make it all in one pan...you know you don't feel like washing too many dishes. It has brought me back to life a few times, and now I hope to share it with you.

What you will need:
2 pieces of French toast (the boxed kind works, but if you know how to do it from scratch, you don't need any instruction from me...)
1 egg
2 slices of cheese (any kind and amount you usually put in eggs, but good ole American is just fine)
3 links/patties of sausage
2 strips of bacon (mmm bacon)
some butter (to lubricate the pan, not to eat...the damn thing is fat enough as is...)
The willpower and relative sobriety to stand up straight for 10 consecutive minutes (an underrated but essential ingredient)

1) Drag yourself out of bed/get your face out of the toilet/peel yourself off of that beanbag chair you passed out slumped over.

2) Turn the stove on, culinary genius. If you're doing the French toast from scratch, now's the time...and since you don't need any help doing that we can skip to step 3.

3) If you skipped step 2 like me, place most of the butter in the bottom of the pan. When the butter begins to be fun to slide around the pan, it's pretty much ready. Throw your 2 strips of bacon in the pan and fry until you feel cheated that bacon gets that small when cooked and doesn't stay in those nice foot long strips they come in. Since bacon turns mostly into hot grease when cooked, it will keep itself warm and crispy until we're ready to see it again...just put it off to the side somewhere.

4) You may wonder what to do with the bacon flavored butter grease that remains. Throw the sausages in it, that's what! It's the only way to get that double pork goodness, which is essential to the healing process. Fry the sausage for about 2 minutes on each side (or 30 seconds if they're the "Brown and Serve" variety...those things cook fucka fast!) When those are done, they'll be fine too...chop them up with the same knife/fork/spoon you used for the butter and put them with the bacon.

5) Egg time! (You aren't having this read to you slowly while wearing a special helmet, so you do know how to crack and beat an egg, right?) Pour the egg into the pan and scramble it. Fortunately, scrambled eggs are one of the few items that one can cook by sight...in about 1 minute, 30 seconds or when it looks like done eggs do, put the chopped sausage in there with it, crumble the bacon over it, give it all a good spin, take it out of the pan and put it on a paper plate. (You don't own paper plates?! Why the hell are you reading this then?)

6) Stay with me here...remember that French toast and cheese we discussed earlier? No? Well I mentioned them, trust me. Anyway, lay one slice of cheese on one slice of French toast and top it with your egg mixture. After that, another slice of cheese, then the other French toast. It's important that it be done this way, melted cheese acts as an adhesive to both the bread and the insides, and I know the last thing you want to be doing is chasing rogue sausage pieces and egg bits all over creation when you're trying to eat.

7) Put the rest of the butter in the pan, and when it's melted, put the sandwich in it. Toast until cheese is starts to melt then flip it and complete the melting. When it's done on both sides, dump it onto whatever you plan to eat it off of and serve with maple syrup. Help is on the way...get well soon. Optionally, you can have a side dish of bitching about how you're never drinking again. (It's a lie, we both know it...)

Hopefully, you've enjoyed this edition of "Bachelor Kitchen"...join me next time as I whip up more makeshift munchies that even folk who fail CookingAsshole's culinary crash course can manage. Try to rembember you read this the morning after you wake up confused, drunk and hungry...thank me later. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and happy Friday!

Yay recognition!




Peep this, umf'ers...you might not know what this is, and I forgive you for that...but it might be the most significant (and only, so far) accolades of my umf'ing career...you see, this is the seal of approval from respected fellow e-soapboxer KonwayEast, pretty much saying that the things I write are reasonably awesome. It's a high honor (only 10 ppl on the whole internets got one), and I accept it most graciously...hopefully year 2 will bring more evidence of just how great we are around here...can't do it without yall, thx for the support!


8.12.2010

Give me nuggets or give me death!


Everybody with friends or a job has heard about the McNugget lady. Yeah, you know the woman who I affectionately refer to as "El Pollo Loco" who ruffled some feathers by pulling up to a McDonalds at like 3 in the morning and ordering chicken nuggets, only to be told that Mickey D's has a policy of switching to breakfast food at 2:30am and taking her disappointment out on the cashier? (Reason #89 why I couldn't work in fast food...besides the long hours, minimal pay, constant verbal abuse from managers and customers alike, and degrading paper hats, there's the occupational hazard of being dragged out into the streets and beaten by a starving, nugget crazed patron...it's not worth it.)

There are those who would call her a nut, say that she is unfit for society or say that she deserves to be thrown in McPrison for her actions. Well, while I may not agree with her methods (if she was gonna break the law anyway, she might as well have crawled through the window, grabbed some nuggets from the freezer and threw them in with the fries...she would have gotten just as arrested, but maybe less assbeaten and definitely more chicken nuggeted.) I look at what she did as a form of social protest.

Yeah, yeah, I know...what the hell are you talking about, AJ? Well, a few hundred years ago, us Americans had a problem with those funny talking folk from across the pond for trying to tell us what to do, so what did we do? We fucked their shit up! We threw a colonial bitch fit in Boston, tossing tea and other types of British goodies all up in the Atlantic Ocean. Did we call them "insane" or "crackheads"? Well, maybe at the time, but now in history books we call them "revolutionaries". You see, just like the Americans didn't have a problem with the tea, just the principle, I'm sure El Pollo Loco had no problem with the cashier or the window...it was the principle! There's principalities and shit involved here!

When she launched her attack, she struck a blow for every person who has ever arrived at McDonalds 2 minutes too late for one of their arbitrary menu shifts. (Why do they stop breakfast at 10:30? Don't they know some folk don't even get up until then? I wanna lay on my couch and eat a Steak Egg and Cheese while watching Maury at 12...and on topic, who the hell eats breakfast at 2:30 in the morning anyway? Any college student can tell you if somebody walks under the Golden Arches at 3 in the morning, they probably have the munchies and want double cheeseburgers, McChickens, and yes...nuggets.)

Who the fuck is McDonalds to tell a paying customer when they can eat what? I don't think that's fair, and neither did El Pollo Loco...the only difference is instead of doing something useless like crying or tweeting about it, she took matters into her own hands...it's the American way! We may look at her as some kind of insaniac today, but in 200 or so years, we may regard her as a hero...maybe. Benjamin Franklin once said "Those who will choose safety over fast food deserve neither"...and that's a nugget of wisdom we all can use. El Pollo Loco, I salute you...truly you are a brave American. (and I hope they serve nuggets in jail...smh...)

8.11.2010

Happy Birthday umf! (A letter to...yall, actually...)

Dear umf'ers,

It's Wednesday, and usually this is where I put the "Formsprung" reader question and answer session for the week, (don't worry, it's right under this...) but I accidentally discovered this morning that this is no average Wednesday. You see, apparently August 11th one year ago, I opened the app I use to post all this nonsense for the 1st time. That's right, today is umf's birthday! (If folk can have birthdays for their dogs and all that, I can have a birthday for this thingamajawn...it's kinda like a pet to me...)

When I started out at this after some suggestion from a couple friends, (Ci, Geraldine, Rags, Soash, that's y'all...) it was mostly made up of beefed up AIM/GTalk away messages that folk found funny and pictures of people around the city of Philly who put themselves in my line of rapid fire ridicule. (Ah, "Camera Phone Ninja"...still one of my favorite sections to do...) It was less the e-soapbox it is today and more a collection of short Facebook notes.

However, as time passed and I started smoking more weed, I began to see the funny side of more everyday shit ("Minor Life Failures", "What I learned this year" etc.) and recalling bullshit my parents fed me through a sippy cup when I was younger ("Lies they tell the Chirrens") and it kind of just went from there. Of course, there were bits ripped from news headlines like the one yesterday and the one about the Phillies fan who got his dumb ass tased for running on the field during a game, but if you even give a damn, my absolute favorite ones to write are random happenings from my actual life (tagged "adventures and misadventures"...remember "Red, Red Wine", AV?) which seems to be fated to provide me with umf material. (Shiiiiit, I ain't complaining...if you think it's funny reading it, try living it!) During these writings, I often made up words because I don't choose to limit myself to the words The Man gives me to use, so I had to define those...that was pretty damn cool. (Or "poppinfreshazimizadelic", if you read that post...)

umf was only read by a few of my personal friends in the beginning, mostly the ones who gave me the idea but over the last 365 days, somehow I got a few readers from all over the country, (even the world...hi Germany!) all of which I hope to meet and hug/bro-hug at some point in my life. (I'm adding that to the bucket list...maybe I need another one!) Since I do pretty much no advertising for this, not even an email sig, I assume that's due to word of mouth from y'all...so thanks, I love umf'ers. (Especially the ones like Shannon whose ideas I steal...well, borrow with consent and twist around against their will until they're completely unrecognizable and could have only come from me.)

I gotta say, the last year has been one of the most funtarded years of my life. umf and by extension the people who read it have become a part of my life, and I can honestly say it's improved as a result...every boring train ride, every mundane day at work is now a post just waiting to happen. I can actually see by going back and reading the early shit just how much it and the guy who wrote it have changed. So really, this is a day for all of us here. A year ago, I updated umf for the first time...now, today, for the first time I see it has updated me. So yeah...thanks for that.

Love,

AJ

Formsprung

I now return you to your regularly scheduled "Formsprung"...

How many readers do you think you have?
That's a good question...and the honest answer is "I don't know"...I know I have like 20 subscribers and get 100 views on a good day, so accounting for ghostreaders without Google accounts, somewhere between 30 and 70 would be my guess... (hey, it's more than the 6 I started out with...feel free to bring friends though :) )

You wouldn't rent a friend?
Hellfuckinno!

wow I went through all those cop posts things are really that bad in philly?
No, not really...they're worse. I just got friskystopped the other day...good thing I know where to hide my stash... (I'm not putting it here, cops have figured out how to use the internet!)

You seem pretty intelligent...why didn't you go to college?
I did, actually...I went to Morgan State for a year (most of the things I learned were outside the classroom...I was fine out of high school), and actually did pretty good in my time there, but college really isn't for me, to be honest. Are you saying that only people with college degrees can be smartful? I never liked that idea...but I'll damn sure take the compliment.

so u really like bjs huh?
You talking about the store or the favor? This'll work either way: Love 'em! Who doesn't? Plus, they make great gifts... (Yes, I would count a 30-box of Hot Pockets as a great gift!)

as of right now *8/7/2010, 8:56pm* what are u drinking?
It's Wednesday, do you really expect me to remember what I was drinking Saturday? I don't...but I did see many Colt 45 cans in my trash on the way out this morning, so maybe that.

Why don't you make a youtube video to promote your blog?
That's a good idea...thanks for that!

Do you think you're cute?
My mommy does!

I'm a new blogger...how can I be funny like you, your shit's hilarious!
Thxmuch! Um...I dont know...smoke more weed? Seriously, the giggles is something you either have, you don't, or you steal...good luck either way :)

boxers or briefs?
boxerbriefs...best of both worlds...

you have one of those stupid facebook middle names like "aj funnyman *whatever your last name is*" don't you?
No...no I do not...I don't believe in that, hell I even had a post about it a while back. What, do I seem like the type?

When was your last one-nighter?
Eh, not really my thing, actually. Why, you may ask? Because I spent just about my entire sexually active period in the cities of Philadelphia and Baltimore, one of which is the hoodrat capital of the East Coast and the other is...just Baltimore...eww... I like my dick in its current location, which is suspended in the air below my waist and not detached and rolling around on the ground in a sickly manner...

So how would you quit your current job?
lol...after I won the lottery (the only reason to quit with this much fanfare) I would walk into my boss's office, give him a vicious right cross, run down the hallway throwing out road flares, small firecrackers, and Pop Rocks, then leap out the window with a urban parachute with "I QUIT!" printed on it in huge letters.

I would then guide myself to the parking lot across the street, where my open-topped navy blue Aston Marton DB9 would be waitng for me to drop directly in the drivers seat, hit the ignition, and peel out in a cloud of bliss, burnt rubber, and 97 octane fuel. (Of course, I would record the whole thing so I could post it here...lol...)

Thanks for another great Wednesday and a awesome year! I really fux with youse guys...see you next week! (Oh yeah, question box >over there>, ask a question for next week or click the link, all that good shit...)

8.10.2010

Quittin' Time!

Unless you've been living under a rock (or don't have a TV or the internet, which is pretty much the same thing) you've heard about Steve Slater, that JetBlue sky waitress dude who was berated by a passenger and quit his job in the flyest of manners, bugging the fuck out and thoroughly cussing an entire flight of passengers before putting in his resignation over the loudspeaker, grabbing a $13 beer, sliding down the emergency ramp and fleeing to his car to go home and get arrested. (He ran across an active runway screaming like a maniac and wasn't shot?! Not that I don't admire what he did, but I'm just saying if you're gonna take my toothpaste and my lighter and cavity search every 5th passenger or anybody with some "hccchhh" in their name before I get on a flight to make sure nobody does the HALALALALA*BOOM!* thing, I'm gonna need you to secure the runways better than that.)

Now, one thing that I get from this is that dude really knows how to quit a job...when I worked at UPS (and h a t e d all 8 months of it to the depths of my soul), I just stopped showing up...I assume they just took me off the box slave roster, but it's fully possible they didn't notice I quit for months. That's not right...I should have quit like I meant it. I should have used the imagination I put into writing this shit on a regular basis and quit with flair...done some ole extranominal shit like opened a package containing liquor (you could tell what was inside by the special labels requiring "a signature from an adult 21+" instead of just "a signature"...it was either a bottle or a dildo...) stolen a brown truck and driven through the gates of the compound screaming "WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR ME!? BLOW ME, THAT'S WHAT!" through a megaphone, then driving the truck into the nearby Delaware River (leaping out with an action roll beforehand, of course...that's the great thing about trucks with no doors) and hightailing it the fuck out of there.

Now, as far as legal problems, technically he did break the letter of the law, but I don't think he should be jailed at all. (As a matter of fact, if there's any footage of the event, it should be put in Southwest Airlines commercials..."Not even our competitors employees can wait to see our low fares...quit your job and grab your bags, IT'S ON!) You see, I believe what this guy did was at the core values of everything we stand for as a country...independence, free speech, the pursuit of happiness (or at least the evasion of suckitude...it's often the same race anyway) and the right not to take shit off of anybody.

How can you prosecute the man for that? (If you're wondering about the customer who lit the fuse, nothing happened to him...it's not fair, he deserves just as much blame...like Justin Timberlake with that whole Janet Jackson titty thing a few years back.) I really wonder how that's even illegal...who hasn't wanted to slide down that moonbounce slide thingy at some point? Its a giant blowup playground, it's 2 childrens toy structures in one, if you didn't want folk to slide down it, you shouldn't have made it so damn fun-looking. I would accept that as the standard way to get off an airplane, it seems delightful as shit.

Really, personally I would even go so far as to say every decent American should put up a penny to pay for a high powered lawyer for this guy to ensure he gets in no trouble whatsoever. (What's 200,000,000 × .01? Ah screw it, you have a calculator...) What else can you do with a penny that's more important than protecting the American way? The right to leave the employ of a undesirable company in style should be right up there with the 3rd Amendment (You don't even know which one that is, do you? Exactly...but I bet you would remember which number the quitting one was!) and to encroach on that is...well, that's not what the Founding Fathers would have wanted. Angry flying waitress dude, I salute you...your next beer is on me. (Well...after payday...lol...)

8.09.2010

Famebook

*fittedwearer's note: Not that I've ever had to explain real shit to real people, but no disrespect to anybody that's actually about what they do...then again, if you get offended about anything I'm writing, I'd bet my last colorful ass 5 dollar bill that I'm talking about YOU...don't get mad, step your life up! (Or just fuckin delete/unsubscribe me...it won't make you suck less, but it may make you feel better.)

You know, I spend a lot of time on Facebook...it's my favorite pastime when it's not football season. (Oh wait, it is! Go Cowboys...nothing to do with the post but its my post, so I'll shout out the 'Boys if I damn well please...) In my time there, I've figured out that I have a lot of friends who are almost famous...yes, it seems that some of the people who I've befriended and probably unfriended by now are just a discovery (and some talent) away from being one of the next top names in their field...seriously, I'm literally surrounded by starlets! Let's take a look at a few...

Rappers- I know I occasionally pen shit that rhymes, but my marginal powers of word juxtapostion pale in comparison with some of my Facebook friends'...I know about 35 future Drakes and Jay-Zs! Sure their idea of lyrical genius is thuggish nursery rhymes (describing thingthey have never, don't and wouldn't even do) and basic, passable similes (at least 10 a song like 5 times 2), but hell, all you need these days is a half-decent hook and maybe a coonish little jig (or talk about sucking 45 dicks per verse like Nicki Minaj), so maybe they actually do have a shot...these rookie rappers like to make videos to put on Youtube, so you've probably will see them around...hop on the bandwagon before its too late! (Then again, you might have a while...some of these faux 50s are approaching 50 and still haven't made it yet. If you're older than hip-hop itself and haven't made a career of it yet, it may be time to learn a trade, oldhead...)

Beatmakers- I know about 23 future Kanyes and at least 14 Swizz Beats. These folk like to post up simple, repetitive 2 layer beats any helmet wearing 1st grader could have come up with with one of those Little Tykes multicolored xylophones. After producing beats that even Soulja Boy would turn down, they then turn to the "rappers" and have them spit a verse or 2 that would have Tupac hang his ghostly head in shame. Optionally, they then take an existing verse from a popular, well known rapper and slap it on top of the beat just to say they "worked with" them. (Oh, you worked with T.I.? Cool...does he know about that?)

Models- I'm apparently lucky enough to know a whole bundle of females who are models. Sure they start out with pics in the bathroom mirror that are specifically angled so that you can see down their shirt (because beauty is in the eye of the beholder and if you look in the mirror all the time...) or club photos taken by some guy that just happened to be in the place with a camera and was gonna take a picture of anything remotely female and halfnekkid that would poke their ass out and stay still long enough anyway (I never understood that...some chicks think they're truly special when a dude comes up to them in the club and asks to take a picture for their no-name online photo album, but on the street they call that 'creepy as hell'...bitch, make up your mind!) but it's only a matter of time before they're America's Next Top Model...or at the very least, Southwest Philly's. (Hey, and if they're asthetically challenged like some of these future cover girls, they can at least be hand models or something...)

Flyy Girls- Don't have any talent at all? Don't feel bad, there's a place for you in the pretend celeb world...you can be low-rent Paris Hilton or JV Kim Kardashian! It's easy...all you have to do is talk about how much of a "diva" you are in your statuses (I'm not even sure half of these chicks know the definition of that word...damn you, Beyonce!), talk about your "haters" despite the fact that nobody not in your presence is even thinking about you (besides, you can't 'hate' if there's nothing to love...they're not haters, they just think you're funny...) and if you really want to go for the gusto, talk about how much money you have! (You work double shifts at Foot Locker, live at home where your momma takes care of your 2 kids, and have no responsibilities, bills, or financial obligations that do not involve a cell phone...I would really hope you have a couple dollars.) Go ahead, cash that WIC check and take a picture of it...that $459 sure looks good on you, girl. Owwww....

As you can see, I'm a blessed man...I know people. That's just a few of the kinds of future famous folk that inhabit(ed) my friendslist. People say America is the land of opportunity, I say Facebook is...only there can you be anything you want, just by typing it! (I'm a "writer/comic"...see, I just typed it so it's true...lol...)

8.06.2010

You can't make this shit up...

With an "name" like that, I'm not sure an alias was all this guy was giving at the time...I would throw a joke about "a stiff sentence" in there too, but I'll leave that to you...lol..

Cheaters Could Prosper: A letter to Joey Greco

Dear Mr. Greco,

As a person who didn't have a job for a while, I watched a lot of daytime TV and one of my favorite shows is yours, "Cheaters". Even though I don't personally endorse snitching in most forms, I find your particular brand of tattling most riveting. Every day I would wake up, pack a bowl, make myself a light man breakfast of leftover pizza or a "la matin aprés grilled cheese sandwich" (I'll tell y'all what that is next week :) ) and tune in at 9am just to see the hilarious escapades of jilted lovers who confront their cheating significant others.

I think it's great TV...I even wrote a post here a while ago (which you or any new readers I may have can feel free to check out) about my love for the show. However, about 2 years ago, a problem came up...I got a job. No longer was I able to watch some scrawny weakling get manhandled and thrown into a pool after challenging some slut's huge, pissed off boyfriend to a wrestling match, some old dude with an epically fucked up grill get into karate stances and repeatedly declare "I'm a lethal weapon!" in an attempt to scare away your camera crews, or a guy who got caught red-handed cheating actually climb a nearby tree in an escape attempt...all because I'm gainfully employed.

Let me tell you something Mr. Greco...I'm the one who feels cheated here, and I'll tell you why. I actually enjoy watching your cheating circus so much, I looked for it on DVD so I could enjoy it on my leisure time...but there is no such DVD! I don't know what's crazier, the fact that I have to actually take fuckit days from work to catch your show or the fact that I gladly do it. How is it that bullshit like "Flavor of Love" gets a DVD and real reality TV like the show you run doesn't?!

You can't tell me you've never considered a "best of Cheaters" DVD with infamous moments like that guy using a samurai sword to make a snitch-kebab out of you on that boat. (I'm sorry man, the shit was funlarious...and you're still alive and sntichin', so you're good...) Well, this letter is to let you know you should do it as of like, yesterday. (After all, I'm bound to run out of vacation days at some point...) You say your show is "dedicated to the faithful"...well what about the faithful watchers of it? Do the right thing here, Mr. Greco...make the DVD. You'll be a rich(er) man, and I'll be able to watch Cheaters at 9am or 6pm or 3am or all of the above...everybody wins.

Your loyal fan,

AJ


(P.S.- No hard feelings about me calling you "the patron saint of snitches" in the other post and all...it's only because you are...)

8.05.2010

Friends til the End (of the hour)

It's said that money can't buy happiness (being broke can't buy it either, so I'd really rather be rich either way), love (prostitutes don't count, you don't pay one to have sex with you, you pay her to get the fuck out of your face afterwards), or health (except if you're Magic Johnson) but in this brave new world of twentyten, apparently it can buy friends. Yes, that's right, it's finally happened...a new internet service called, predictably, rentafriend.com, allows its lonely users to sign up and exchange currency for companionship. It's like Big Brother/Big Sister for adults.

This platonic escort service will run you $10 to $40 an hour depending on the quality of the friend, I guess (how does it feel to be a discount professional friend?) and according to the site your paid pal will "show you around town, teach you a new skill, attend a party or event with you, or just hang out". (Fuck that, for 40 bucks an hour I want my friend to come over with a bottle and maybe give me a blowjob too...) Your funded friend will chill for cash until your hour is up or your funds are down and then leave, probably giving you a hug goodbye for an extra 5 dollar charge.

Now, if you don't see anything wrong with that concept, head on over to the site, whip out your credit card, and buy yourself a buddy today...please, go ahead. (You can even buy a few friends and have a poker night.) However, as the rest of us should see, doing this is pretty much an admission that your life, personality and existence in general suck so bad that no one will tolerate your presence for free on purpose. Let's be serious here, you don't have ANYBODY that will hang out with you on their own time? Friends, family, play cousins, co-workers, classmates, nobody? That's tragic...maybe you should take that credit card and cut your wrists with it.

Now I know that there are people who will look at this and see the bright side: somebody has to be the professional friend, and thus this concept creates jobs. In the rough economy of today, that is something to consider...however, I give you something else to ponder: Your job would be to befriend those who nobody else will be friends with for money. Just what kind of person is so devoid of any redeeming qualities that nobody that's not being paid to do it will be friends with them? Who really doesn't have any free friends?

Seriously...really, really think about this. Think of the person you least like in your life...somebody who you don't quite wish was dead, but kinda wish wouldn't breathe quite so much. They're a real asshole, right? The worst kind of person...they irk your soul with their heartbeat...but they probably have friends. Hitler had friends. Bin Laden has friends. DJ Khaled probably has friends...but this person doesn't? Yeah, that sounds like a stable guy...real cool dude...the program will probably end badly when some poor homie-for-hire ends up skinned and diced in some Jigsaw type dude's basement. There's no joke behind that one, that shit is real.

Listen, I realize we all get a little lonely sometimes...it's only human nature...but in my opinion, stooping to actually pay money to have people pretend to like you is not the answer. Besides, what if you're so unlikeable that the guy gives you your money back? How would you deal with the fact that nobody will even endure your presence for profit? That's gotta be a crushing blow to your self-esteem (which was probably close to absolute zero anyway). There are plenty of ways to make friends...join a group or club, play sports, go to a bar, buy some weed and share it...but purchasing them is just bad business. Just sayin'...

8.04.2010

Formsprung

It's Wednesday, and you know what that means...huh? What the fuck do you mean you don't? But I do the same thing every-- *sigh* Just keep reading...

so do u just have a dislike for police in general?

Yup...can't you see why?

Did Shenicole ever sign that contract?
Nope...punk bitch lol...never underestimate the power of a binding legal document to silence a doubter...I wish she had, even if she tried to renege WHEN I won I coulda been on Judge Mathis in 20 years and had an airtight case...

what's the first thing you thing when you wake up?
Usually either "ugh that last drink was a bad idea", "Okay, where's my lighter...", "I'm hungry", "A blowjob would be nice right now", or "Damn, I don't feel like getting up"...with the occasional guest appearance of "I wonder how many people looked at umf while I was sleep" if there was a particularly interesting post or early bedtime the night before...I'm a pretty simple guy...

do you ever try to guess who these come from?
Of course, it's only natural...most are a mystery, but I've figured a few out...it's always a feeling of accomplishment, I feel like Sherlock Holmes...but the anonymity is admittedly part of the fun...

did u "lick all up on her chocolate starfish"? u never made that clear...
lol...I went back and read my answer (to what was likely your question) from last week, and you're right, I wasn't...so "no"...what the flying fuck do I look like using my tongue as toilet paper?

when are we gettin another look at ur kitchen experiments lol
lol soon...very soon...

can you take a dick?
What!? WHAT!? I am a boy, that is N O T in my job description!

can u swim?
Of course...like a stocky black Michael Phelps...I don't see why people can't, it's almost as important as learning to walk...I mean, how dumb do you look drowning at the beach in 3 feet of water like on Grand Theft Auto III?

What do you think is the best part of being a male?
Only everything...I mean mobile peeing, upper body strength, no bleeding without injury, the ability to get dressed in under an hour...I mean, with the death of chivalry and everything, what more could you want?

did shenicole ever sign the contract?
Nope, she STILL didn't...what you scared of, girl?

how the hell do you prononce Shenicole?!
"Sheh-nih-kole"...I'm so glad that's not her real name lol

can you write my prenup too lol
Absolutely, for a small fee lol...email me for further details...

you really wouldn't eat it if it was just spotting?
Are you illiterate, slow, horny, or all 3? No. NO. NOOOOOO! If I was any clearer than that, my dad would have been made of glass.

How's it feel to have a phone again?
You know what, our day apart really made me realize my feelings for it...we're much closer now...

can you write a rap poem about everything?
Yup, sure can...I print hot fiyah...

If you had to give up your cell phone or sex for a week, which one would it be?
A week? *pssh* Sex, easy... (especially since I hold the Bill Clinton defintion of "sex" ;) )

Who is the sexiest woman in Hollywood in your opinion?
Hmm...I've always liked Kerry Washington, but she seems like she would want me to wear slacks or something and that's just not a sacrifice I'm willing to make...lol...

Have you ever been in a survival situation? How did you handle it, or how would you handle it if put in that position?
Of course I have, didn't you read yesterday's post? I was without my phone for an entire day, that's roughing it...

Honestly, I'd probably die lol (good thing I live in a city and not Darkest Peru or some shit...) but if you wanted to learn more about that and get your outdoorsman on, one of my readers/coworkers runs a site with a few survival techniques and he could tell you a lot more than me about that. (there, happy with your plug? I know that's you, Rags...lol)

what is your thoughts on Arizona's law on immigrants?
Actually, there was a post about that called "Made in America*"...you can check that out...

quick answer though: it sucks...especially since the ancestors of the folk who wrote the law are the original illegal immigrants...

Still no movie reviews? you can still do it with bootleg copies!
lol those cost money too...I'm broke right now, to be honest...but payday's next week, so I'll hit up the bootleg movie, mixtape, incense, body oil, bean pie and unlicensed sports team shirt man when I see him on the EL after that...

No my bright colors (purple) in your future? Whatever happen to that anyway?
ugh lol...not if there's a God...and for all I care, she was swallowed into the earth itself by a gaping violet hellmouth...

Thanks again to everybody who participated, you obviously make this possible. What off the wall craziness will appear here about 168 hours? (That's 7 days, and you damn right I used a claculator, what the fuck else are they for?) That's completely up to y'all...so if you want to throw a little random my way, there's a pretty blue question box >over there>, but if you just HAVE to leave here to ask for some reason:

8.03.2010

Addicted (and proud!)

fittedwearer's note: Recently, I decided I was pretty damn dependent on this thing I'm typing on right now and wondered if I could actually live without it. So Sunday night, I did just that. (well, delayed paying for my service so I couldn't use it if I wanted to...like a fat person supergluing their mouth shut as a diet.) Some people said it would be liberating and that my life would be better without one...I say those people lied. It was awful, just awful...but at least I got a post out of it. (And learned to never do that shit again!)

I'm addicted to my smartphone, anybody can see
I have it all the time like it's grafted to me
I'm never caught without it, like my fitted cap
I was so bored without it I had time to write this rap
Oh, why was I phoneless? ex-communicated?
Cut off from the world? Sent back to the 80s?
(Didn't know how people did it, lived without a mobile
its the best invention ever, I'm an addict, I told you...)
what the fuck was I doing? An antisocial experiment
to see if I REALLY needed my phone everywhere I went
I didn't pay the bill on purpose, fuck the invoice
Just in case I got weak, I denied myself the choice
to post on umf or change my Facebook status
or even send texts. (Which drove me the maddest)
I hated each minute, every clockstroke was painful
how much I missed my phone would fuckin amaze you
I woke up yesterday and borrowed a phone
from a guest who had stayed the night at my home
called in sick to my job, don't call me a jerk
sans cell phone I would be forced to actually work!
phoneless, work's boring, depressing, the pits
so I called them up and I said "fuck that shit"
see, with my g1 I can mass murder time
chat, surf the net, and type these sick rhymes
Without it, I'm Amish, no computer or phone
I knew my day would suck, I stayed my ass home
I was left without texting, could send no emails
I shunned all my homies and blew off females
I neglected jumpoffs, off the grid indeed
couldn't even call my dealer for weed
I detested my text-ile, my complete iSolation
could not summon friends, call them to my location
I felt like a person in a 3rd world nation
went into withdrawals, I thought I'd go crazy
my neck itched and I scratched, just like a crack fiend
non smartphonites don't know what it means
to have your life wired, then just cut the cord
I didn't quite die, but I damn sure was bored
I couldn't go 40, but I made it one day
but it really sucks trying to "live" that way
fuck it, I'm young, don't need it but I want it
without it the growth of my social life was stunted
found I COULD live without it, don't mean that I should
I COULD do a lot, like peel my manhood
with a paring knife or walk to Nebraska
(or go there on purpose, who does that, I ask you!?)
I COULD piss in trashcans or punch out a cop
I COULD trip old people, fuck myself with a mop
I COULD go streaking, or microwave foil
put my balls in a pot and bring it to a boil
I COULD burn my hats, COULD spit in the wind
COULD stop liking the Cowboys, but that'd be a sin
COULD jump a half blind man and poke out his good eye
the point is I can, but why the fuck would I?
I can live phoneless, I just choose to live with
my phone at the ready for texting and shit
yeah I'm addicted, but what's wrong with that?
strung out on T-Mobile, but it COULD be crack...
now that I've detoxed, I'm in a position
to say that my smartphone's a harmless addiction
I learned a lot phoneless, but I've had my fill
now excuse me, fuck this...I'm paying my bill...