AJ for Governor? (the Zero Hour Debate)

*fittedwearer's note: Good news, umf! Apparently I won a drawing I never entered when a Facebook app stole my personal information and sold it to some third party "Get Out the Vote" mafuckas that target the youth. As a result, I win a wild card entry into the race for governor of Pennsylvania, which includes the right to an exhibition gubernatorial debate with candidates Onorato, Dan Onorato (D) and Tom Corbett (R) to raise awareness of the importance of voting amongst the 18-24 set. (They already had the official debates, but I guess they decided to have some other shit that nobody will watch that they can preempt "Cheaters" with.) Even though the election is next week so I have virtually no shot, and I have no political experience beyond being 6th grade class treasurer, it's an opportunity I can't pass up. So here it is, the beginning of my political career and the 1st step toward my eventual run for President in 2028...the Zero Hour Debate sponsored by Mountain Dew, Sprint, and the "Voting is Gangsta" foundation! Wish me luck!

*3 debators are introduced and walk onstage to applause, Corbett shakes hands with Onorato*

Corbett: Good luck tonight, Danny...you'll need it.

Onorato: Who needs luck...Dan Onorato has flash cards.

*Corbett turns to AJ*

Corbett: What is up, young homeslice? *cocks hand for expected elaborate street handshake*

AJ: You've gotta be kidding me, old man... *shakes head, walks over to Onorato*

Onorato: Hi. I'm Onorato...Dan Onorato.

AJ: Yeah, I've seen your ads...over and over again. You come off as a bit of a dick.

Onorato: Dan Onorato has heard that before...no hard feelings. I'm Dan Onorato. *shakes AJ's hand*

*All 3 candidates go to their seperate podiums*

Moderator: Good evening and welcome to the Zero Hour Debate sponsored by Mountain Dew, Sprint and the Voting is Gangsta foundation. This will be an open forum style debate, I will ask the questions and the candidates will answer, having up to 2 minutes to deliver a response. In the interest of expediency, I will ask that the candidates keep their interjections to a minimum. I will also ask the audience to hold their applause until all candidates have spoken. Does everyone understand the ground rules?

AJ: Gotcha.

Corbett: Yes.

Onorato: I'm Dan Onorato.

Moderator: All right, let's get started. First, we have the so-called "Florida loophole" that allows Pennsylvanians, even felons, to obtain guns by registering in Florida. What is your stance on this? Mr. Corbett, you go first.

Corbett: Thank you. While it is unfortunate that vagaries in lawmaking make it possible for felons and other undesirables to obtain weapons, I look at the fact that increased control on personal protection devices may detract from a Pennsylvanian's ability to defend their home. As you know, I'm a supporter of the Castle Law that allows a resident of a home discrection on the use of deadly force in home invasions, and someone once said it's better that 1,000 criminals have assault rifles than one working man be forced to drive off a burgular with a corkscrew and a Swiss Army Knife. My opponent would see our citizens left defenseless...what if. Al-Quaida breaks into their homes? Is he a terrorist? This is the question you must ask yourself on the issue.

Moderator: Uh...'K...Mr. Onorato, your rebuttal?

Onorato: It's clear to Dan Onorato that his opponent is so far out of touch with the will of the people. Dan Onorato wants to take guns out of the hands of everyone but the police and his personal security team. Dan Onorato sees that homicides are a huge problem, and he wants to do something about it. Dan Onorato sees that guns kill people, and they should be restricted as much as possible...Dan Onorato sees no other way to do this than closing the Florida Loophole with extreme predjudice. Also, did you know Hitler owned a gun? Dan Onorato's opponent wants everyone to have a gun. Does he want us all to be Nazis too? This is the question you must ask on the issue. I'm Dan Onorato. *holds up flash card*

Moderator: I see...Mr. J, your thoughts?

AJ: Uh...just AJ works. Anyway, the way I see it, you can open it, close it, lube it up and stick a buttplug in it. The Florida Loophole is not the thing getting people killed. It only covers legal, registered guns. You think some career criminal is going around Southwest Philly shedding bullets everywhere is using a legal, registered gun to do it? No, he's using a Saturday night special he bought out of somebody's basement for $300 cash and that has 30 bodies on it already. The key is to fix the real problem and stop letting these assholes back on the streets time and time again when they fuck up. Trust me, I work with criminals, some of them have rap sheets longer than the Constitution, but we're still fighting for their liberty for some reason. Crank up the jail time for these people and the only thing they'll be shooting is for first ball in the hoop game on the yard.

Moderator: Interesting...a valid perspective. However, if you continue to use that language, I'll have to penalize you.

AJ: What, English? It's my native tongue.

Moderator: Cute. Next, we have taxes. Pennsylvanians are concerned about government spending. What would you say to them? Mr Onorato, you first this time.

Onorato: Dan Onorato sees that the average Pennsylvanian is struggling to make ends meet, but these are tough times for us all. Dan Onorato will respond with a variety of government programs to create jobs, stimulate our economy, and raise taxes. Wait...um, no...skip that last part. Read Dan Onorato's lips, no new taxes. We'll just adjust the old ones. I'm Dan Onorato. *holds up flash card*

Moderator: All right...Mr. Corbett?

Corbett: Just like my opponent to bring up wasteful governement spending. All government spending is wasteful...your heard earned dollars being taken away to fund some new liberal scheme or wipe Barack Obama's ass. My opponent voted for the bailout, the stimulus, and the bill to kill babies with pitchforks as fuel for oil tankers. It's a farce. As governor, I'll make sure less of your money is being spent on pork barrel politics and more stays with your family...your extended family, the citizens of Pennsylvania. The government. In tax form.

Moderator: I...see...AJ, you're up.

AJ: I hate taxes. You think I like opening every check and seeing that the government took about 1/4 of it before I ever saw a dime? It fucking sucks...

Corbett: He can't say that! You told him he can't say that! I demand you deduct points from his score, Moderator!

Onorato: Dan!

Moderator: I'll allow it...it does fucking suck.

AJ: Thank you. As I was saying, it's necessary though. I admit, as governor there may come a time where I would have to raise taxes...why sit here and lie? However, I would make damn sure that every dollar was spent as carefully as if it were my own...because some of it is.

Moderator: All right. Now we have a voter submission topic. With the imminent vote over in California on the legalization of marijuana, where do you stand on the issue? AJ, we'll let you go first on this one.

AJ: Fitting. Well it's always been a question of mine how the government can tell us what we can and can't put in our own bodies. Personal sovergnity aside, it's a potential cash cow for any local government that decides to embrace it. Think about it...enough marijuana to make the equivalent of a pack of cigarettes costs about $30 at black market prices, or about 10 legit dollars. I would gladly pay $50 a pack for the peace of mind that I'm not gonna be thrown in the slammer for smoking a joint in my house, and I'm sure many people feel the same way. That's anywhere from $20 to $40 bucks in pure tax profit from every pack sold by the government. The recession will be over by August twentyleven. Not only that, you destroy the underground for it overnight, saving police man-hours and taxpayer dollars. You'll see in Cali...and as governor, I'm pushing that one through for Pennsylvania first day.

Moderator: All right. Mr. Corbett?

Corbett: Marijuana is bad. It killed my father, addicted my mother, and raped one of my cousins. Anybody stupid enough to smoke dope should go directly to hell and they can burn a doobie down there.

Moderator: That's a bit much, but okay. Mr. Onorato?

Onorato: Uh...Dan Onorato agrees with his opponent, but his opinion is better for Pennsylvania because he is a Democrat. I'm Dan Onorato. *holds up flash card*

Moderator: Fair enough. Now we come to the lightning round. Each candidate should start by telling voters why they should vote for them and end with how we can get the vote out. You have 3 minutes. Go!

Corbett: Dan Onorato is a filthy, stinking liberal!

Onorato: Tom Corbett is a overbearing Republican who wants to control your life! I'm Dan Onorato!

Corbett: Dan Onorato is in favor of the death penalty for children!

Onorato: Tom Corbett wets the bed! I'm Dan Onorato!

Corbett: Dan Onorato sprained his neck trying to self-fellate!

Onorato: That was only once, and Dan Onorato didn't even collect disablity! Tom Corbett is old as dirt, smells like Ben-Gay and can't get it up anymore! I'm Dan Onorato!

Corbett: Did you hear that? "Old as dirt!" Dan Onorato hates Pennsylvania's elderly! I bet he wants to pull the plug onyour grandmother!

*Corbett and Onorato continue to bicker*

Moderator: Gentlemen...

*Corbett pounds podium, Onorato angrily waves flash card as both try to talk over each other*

Moderator: Please...

*AJ rolls eyes, sighs, calmly walks over to both competitors podiums and yanks out mic cords*

AJ: Enough of this bullshit. Neither of you have said a damn thing about why we should vote for you or why we should even give a damn about you. You just gossip and backbite like little ass girls...all these annoying ass campaign commercials..."Oh, he did this 9 years ago", "She doesn't pay her cell phone bill on time", "He voted for this and that, I voted for it too but he was wrong for it..." Shut the fuck up, damn!

I can't pick between you, it's like picking between a punch in the stomach and a kick in the nuts...nobody really wants either! Y'all are fucking insufferable...as a matter of fact, I'm too young to be all stressed out over you jerkoffs...you can have this nonsense for now. I concede my entry in this race. Want my opinion? You both suck. Oh, and you know how we can get the vote out? Get candidates who I don't want to slap every time I see! I hope you both lose somehow. Peace out, bitches.

*AJ drops mic, stomps it into dust and exits stage right, crowd applauds wildly as Corbett stands with face red and mouth agape and Onorato hangs head and sadly drops flash card*

Moderator: Hell yeah! I mean...uh..and there you have it, the first annual Zero Hour Debate sponsored by Mountain Dew, Sprint, and the Voting is Gangsta foundation. Thank you, and remember to get the vote out, youngsters!



Well if you think you know why I haven't been posting lately, you're probably right. If you don't, I don't wanna talk about it grr... (and if you don't care, why the fuck are you here?) Anyway, I'm just glad I have you guys to distract me from the harsh realities on the NFL in it's current state...well, when people at work aren't CONSTANTLY reminding me...*sigh* Anyway, here's this...

So if you were running for governor of your state, what would you do?

You just gave me a post idea...kiss me! (Unless you're a dude or a chick who looks like one...then I'll take a high five or something...)

why don't you do your swilla anymore? you stop drinking?
Nope not at all...you know me better than that...you're right though, I've been slacking...I'll get on it again soon...

(lol you're not the same person who asked about plastic bottle vodka, are you?)

I'm not sure how to pronounce Dan Onorato's name...help me out?
hahaha how can you mispronounce that? I know you must live in PA/NJ/DE...I'll let him do it...after all he's the one with the flash cards...

what a douche...who has a kitchen with no appliances?

you dressing up for halloween?

What age will you stop smoking weed at?
Stop for what? Why would I do that to myself and others? There's no age limit on self-medication...

how's your collarbone?
It's fine, thanks for ask--maaaaan, fuck you! I've been getting that all week, next person to ask me that risks their own by doing so. (in person...can't really email somebody pain and suffering or I'd have way less Facebook friends...)

Aight that's all for this week but...ah, the hell with it...I'm gonna go drink til February...

(PS- One of you indirectly jinxed my team and I know it...asking about love and carrying on, when I figure out who that was, there will be heck to pay...)


PSA: Real Talk

*taps mic*

This thing on?

Okay, let's discuss the word "real". It gets paid a lot of lip service nowadays, especially amongst folk around my age. The dictionary definition of real probably goes something like "authentic or genuine", but apparently it's aquired some new connotation meaning "whatever I would like you to believe". For example, one need look no further than ex-gangsta rapper Plies, who made his name on "realness" and loved to talk about how much of a goon he was...until it came out that his whole persona was stolen from his brother, and he himself was a studious young man named Algernod who graduated from college with a degree in communications, which he immediately used to start a rap career, his signature style being to pretend he had no knowledge of the English language. (YouTube him sometime...not right now though, finish reading this and handle all your other life affairs first. It's just funny that by the modern defintion of realness, that kid that sat in the back of 6th grade math class collecting dandruff flakes on pieces of paper is only a couple tattoos, a chain, and some fake illteracy from being "the definition of real".)

However, this epidemic of confusion about realness extends beyond talentless rappers and reality TV (I covered that concept before, but I still find it perplexing that "The Real Housewives of _________" resembles real housewives in almost no perceptible way. Sitting on your ass in your house spending other people's money and being an unstable bitch on TV does not qualify you as a housewife...you're a annoying, very expensive breathing sex toy.) into the day to day lives of everyday folk. I'm sure you know somebody who always goes around touting how real they are, even though if you were truly real, other people would say it for you...kind of like being "cool", having "swag", being attractive, popular, rich or any other positive quality that people like to imagine they have.

It's interesting...some of the people that claim to be the most real are the most counterfeit mafuckas you would ever want to meet. A chick on the train with 12 inches of synthetic fiber piled atop her head, every body remixer known to woman (padded panties,padded bras, body slimmers that could turn old Missy Elliot into new Jennifer Hudson...it's all false advertisement! How would you like to take off some guy's pants and find a specially made package-shaped crotch pad instead of the promising bulge you were eyeing? It's all lies, I tells ya...I'm about to start reporting this shit to the better bitches bureau.) fingernails that did not grow out of her body, a different eye color than yesterday and a Goochee purse she bought out of somebody's trunk with the matching belt for $30 will adamantly state she is real, and cannot be convinced otherwise. How the fuck does that work? There's nothing real about you, if you had any more artificial parts you would qualify as a cyborg.

It's more than physical though...it's a mindset. How can one claim they are real if they smile in somebody's face and then go behind them and talk about how much they hate them? (I'm looking at you, people who make Facebook statuses about others but then hide those people when you post it...if you're gonna type it, type it with your chest, don't be a pussy!) How can a dude not take care of his kids and find the gall to call himself a real man? How can somebody's personality be completely made up of scraps of what they see on TV, hear on the radio and read online, but still wave that "real" flag with both hands? You're not real, you're human scrapple, made with the leftovers and byproducts of other people. Honestly, I'm not sure how these people can even fix their lips to form the word in reference to themselves, but I do know that people need to start thinking before they throw that word around...and that's real. Happy Friday y'all...

*takes 3-step drop, throws mic into crowd with spiral*


Oh, shit...a post about politics! (kinda...)

I admit, I was pretty indifferent to the gubernatorial election here in Pennsylvania...like everybody else, I guess. In fact, pretty much the only reason I know either of their names (Republican Tom Corbett and Democrat Onorato, Dan Onorato...you don't care, I know...but nobody can say I didn't tell you) is because of the attack ads each are putting out blaming the same things like the bailout, the sagging economy, and lost jobs on the other. It's really like seeing two siblings, one of which has colored on a hallway wall with oil paint, nail polish and sidewalk chalk, point fingers at each other and scream "He did it!" (It's why I don't really get into politics...as the voter/parent in that analogy, I just kinda want to smack the shit out of both kids and tell them to shut their snitchy little traps and clean the shit up.)

Uninspiring as both candidates may be, one of them (the Republican...surfuckingprise!) actually has something right: he wants to abolish the Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board. (You knew it had to have something to do with partying to make it here, right? Come on, y'all know me...) I know in a lot of places folk are reading this, you can just waltz into some corner store or CVS and snag some booze at 3 in the morning if you want, but in case you don't know, Pennsylvania is one of the only 2 states that still has state-run liquor stores. These government run establishments do not sell beer, are few and far between with only maybe 10 for the entire city of Philly, and most close at 9 and on Sunday, like they're completely oblivious to the fact that churches need wine and people with losing football teams need hard liquor...grr. (Leave it to the Quakers to make stupid laws and fuck shit up hundreds of years in the future...and they wonder why they got banished to the forests of central PA...)

This is not only good for folk who like a drink every twice in a while, everybody benefits from this. By auctioning off the liqour licenses the state currently possesses and allowing the private sector into the equation, it creates opportunities for enterprising folk who wish to provide a service to their community to open a business and do so (you're damn right I count making alcohol available to me on demand as a service...that's why I think so highly of bartenders), makes jobs since somebody has to work in the places, and oh, will make the state over 2 billion dollars in revenue...and they still get to collect taxes. It's like selling your stock and still collecting the dividends...or some kind of liquor alimony.

Suffice it to say that this has been a long time coming. I mean, imagine that...when a Republican tells you it's time to move out of the 19th century, it may be time to consider some shakeups. Seriously, you're talking about a place so stuck in the past it still calls itself a commonwealth. Come on, that's so pre-Revolution, everybody knows states are in now...but not state stores. Republican candidate whatever-his-name-is has the right idea here...free our alcohol from government control. That guy doesn't know it, but just for the support of that genius idea, he just may have earned a vote. Since I find the 2 platforms almost indistinguishable, fuck it...the guy with the booze wins. (Now if he can make like California and do the reeferendum thing, he'll get a full umf endorsement...hell I'll buy a t-shirt with his face airbrushed on it and campaign in the streets...lol...)



Welp, even though the 'Boys season is stuck on replay, (I swear they've lost the same game like 3 times already) looks like we have a fresh batch of questions from y'all...it warms my heart somewhat. Aight, let's hit it...

so how are your cowboys lol

1-4 and sucktastic for the time being...fuckin smartass...they'll turn it around, although I'm close to backing off my 12-4 prediction lol...

Are you really running for President?
Absolutely...I'm only 22 right now and since the minimum age is 35, I have to wait til 2028...but I'm starting my campaign fucka early since it will probably run on CPT anyway...

why are you so mean to people in the streets?
I'm not mean...I just like taking pictures of eccentric mafuckas...I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one. Hell, I'm sure these folk want to be photographed and ridiculed, why else would you leave your home looking like this?

How many cool points do you have?
um...about 177, after taxes...I could break the 200 mark but my Cowboys can't buy a win right now and it fucks with my charisma rating...

why do you smoke weed?
Better question: why don't you? It's life enhancement :)

How do you take those pics without people noticing?
Quickly, quietly and skillfully...like a ninja, duh...

(there's a little tutorial in this post though)

have u ever sexted?
Eh, who hasn't lol

How much money do you have right now?
I got a dollar in my pocket and a $20 in my wallet...no seriously, I only have $21...seems like my check is gone by the end of pay weekend lol

So you don't believe in alimony?
If you have a job, and you quit...do you still get paid for it?

what are you the captain of lol
My fate :p

How can I save money this winter?
Turn the heat down and put on a hoodie, pay a crackhead $10 to shovel your snow instead of some kid $20, and get a winter boo instead of trying to meet new people...trickin can become expensive.

Are you one of those people who talk to the tv?
Yup...I carry on full conversations with commercials, editorialize news broadcasts, and scream "RUN!", "GO!", "HELL YEAH!", "SHIT!" or "throwitthrowitthrowitFUCKDAMMITTHROWIT!" at the Cowboys on Sundays...I refuse to realize the damn thing can't hear me...

Well, that's all for this week umf'ers...let's hope this is the last time I have to field a football-related kick in the nuts for a while (and if you don't hope so, it's cool, I hope enough for every last one of y'all). Anyway, if you've got some fly shit to ask me for next week, hit the question box >thataway> or if your right index finger needs a quick workout:


Random Thoughts 46- Great in Theory...

Yesterday I was sitting bored in my living room listening to white noise and playing with my phone (you might ask why it is that I need the TV on when I know I'm paying minimal attention to it...one need only look at the emergence of flatscreen TVs for the answer. You see, people have always liked artwork and framed shit on their walls just so they have something to catch their eye every so often and go "Oh, lookathat..." The TV serves the same purpose, only the pictures move...nobody normal sits there and stares at it, it's just a kinetic decoration.) when some commercial that mentioned sex came on. I didn't know what it was about, I only caught the tail end, but it was one of the buzzwords that make me look up from whatever I'm doing and point my attention in that direction. (A few others are "football", "taco" and "marijuana"...I'm not sure what that says about me, but it's probably right.)

I missed that one, but that's when this commercial came on, advertising the new sales campaign from Mitsubishi. Apparently, they've used futuristic technology and some manner of sorcery to bring the complete showroom experience into your home...they call it the "Live Drive". This newfangled innovation allows anybody with a driver's license to sign up on the Live Drive website for a chance to actually drive a car at a secret testing location from your computer. In case you don't see what's wrong with that, I'll type it again...any asshole who somehow obtained a license (I'm sure I don't have to tell you that not everybody with a license can drive...some people either pleasured somebody down at the DMV or bought that shit at AutoZone...ain't no fuckin way some of these folk passed any type of driving evaluation.) can sign up to remotely drive an unmanned car from the comfort and eccentricity of whatever hole they reside in.

Now, I think it's an awesome idea. Sure we were supposed to have flying Jetson cars by now, but this is pretty cool too...if it wasn't for people. I just wonder how long it is until this epically fails in some way. I mean, some people have a hard enough time trying to pilot vehicles they actually are in at the time without having control over others too. I love the spirit behind this, it's great...but there are just a few questions I have:

1) Do you use the arrows? If so, what happens if somebody's keyboard sticks?

2) Is it the mouse? What if somebody is Live Driving on the clock at work and the boss comes around and they have to minimize the window and the car goes careening out of control as they frantically attempt to look busy?

3) Is drunk driving still drunk driving if you're several states away from the car?

4) Couldn't some kid just get ahold of his parent's license and do this? It's not like they're checking ID at the homepage.

5) Can somebody be doing this in a car on a laptop with a WiFi connection? (Texting while driving is stupid enough, but you just know somebody's gonna try driving and driving and crash both cars.)

6) What about folk that just want to try and roll the damn thing over like it's "Grand Theft Auto?" (Like me...I admit, I would...but that's why I'm not signing up, I'm mature enough to know I'm not mature enough.)

7) Is Mitsubishi prepared to replace these cars every day?

I just wonder...


Camera Phone Ninja Vol. 32- Excuse me, ma'am...but wtf?

*fittedwearer's note: I know,I know, that was the shortest hiatus ever...lol...

If you follow the NFL at all, you know I wasn't too pleased with yesterday's results (if you don't watch it, then everything's fine and the Cowboys are doing great...trust me). As usual, this had a direct effect on the suck factor of the start of my workweek, and I was pretty bummed on the train this morning. I sat dejected in my 'Boys jacket, Third Eye Blind's "Jumper" playing in my headphones, anticipating a long, torturous week and envisioning 5 days of joyless living purgatory between now and next weekend. Even the morning medicine I had taken failed to put a smile on my face, and I utterly lacked humorous inspiration of any kind...at that point I thought it was a real possibility that I wouldn't so much as smirk all week. (Which, for my goofy ass, is really saying something...)

That's when a 2 ton, 2 tone joymaker descended upon the El like a bolt of laughter. Look, over by the door! It's a woman draped in the flag of some 3rd world country like she's running a victory lap at the Olympics! No, it's a colorblocked outdoor fashion Snuggie! (grr...Snuggie...) No, it's a gigantic Qudditch robe! No, it's maternity wear for overweight superheroes! No, its...you know what, I have no idea what it is, besides one of the single worst pieces of clothing I've ever seen anybody wear on purpose. I mean, this beats out the all-pink Muslim dude by a long shot...hell, it even gives Big Ole Brenda and her circus tent with a hood a run (hmm..."run" is a strong word, maybe a slow, wheezing waddle) for her money.

Whatever it was this woman chose to adorn her body with, it was a mistake...there is no reason whatsoever for a healthy, mobile person to wear something like this...it's like something a soccer hooligan mortally wounded in a turf war would be wrapped in for his dying moments. Okay, maybe one reason...to give me a good solid tickle right in the giggle glands...I snapped the flick, had a laugh, and my week was well on it's way to being great...eh...survivable, anyway. Sometimes, that's all it takes. (Well, that and my team to pull one out every twice in a while, damn!)


Patently Imaginary: Context Messages

The dark lords of techromancy at Apple have attempted to do some good this week, introducing a new parental control feature on their iPhone that they say is designed to prevent kids from "sexting", or exchanging spicy text messages. This application is controlled by those who pay the bill, and works by analyzing a text for cuss words and refusing to transmit it if it contains any. (I wonder what it does for internet sites with profanity, like this one...it should do something like transform all the cuss words into that useless WingDings font that nobody ever uses. umf would look like a gahdamn Egyptian tomb with all the fuckin symbols that would appear...wait, I'm off topic.)

Disregarding the fact that it does nothing to prevent the part of sexting (I'm discovering I really don't like that word...) that everyone is concerned about, which is 12 year old girls sending pictures of their bodies to 12 year old boys, Apple completely skipped over this: kids can't spell anyway! While I'm sure the software does plenty to stop the normal-looking cuss words you know and I love, I'm not sure it will do much to even slow down observations such as "Nglsh klaz phukkn su©©D 2dY lolololol", "ms tina gott a big ol ( ( ) llamf" or "yo wanna c mah dikk?" (I know the chirrens type that way because I've seen folk my age do it on Facebook...it's bad Facebook ettiquette for people over 18, but they do it anyway...*sigh*)

As much as Apple probably thinks they had a major breakthrough, they're wrong...but it's an interesting step forward. Peep, while this iteration of the concept of user-sensitive texting may be as toothless as the front row of a country music concert in the backwoods of Mississippi, but it has potential...I see context messages as the wave of the future. Think about it...an auto-inside-voice feature you could activate that lets messages WRITTEN COMPLETELY IN ALLCAPS be received by the textee in normal letters so nobody ever has to be silently yelled at again. Oh, or how about one that has an option to automatically expand any text acronyms that the reader may not understand so when you get a text with some new amalgamation of letters with a meaning you don't have to have a Master's in cellular etymology to understand? (I sound old with that one, but I was fine with the like 10 that are common knowledge...I'm sick of Googling acronyms, I need help.)

Personally, I wouldn't mind seeing one that automatically removes twittercrests (#) so non-twits don't have to be exposed to unsolicited tweetisms, but everyone but me loves it, so that won't catch on. I do have a really ambitious one though...you know that sideways 8 that for some reason represents infinity? It just looks like an 8 that had a few drinks to me. (I don't really think numbers should drink anymore after that whole fiasco between 5, 6, 7 and 9...oh, you didn't hear? Some zero 1 all the way 2 3 4 5 and had 6 while 7 8 9. It was a real scandal that broke up 2 happy number couples...one was a little odd, but it's still a sad story...6 and 9 ended up going together for a while, but they both say it sucked...anyway...) I think we should have a whole tipsy, slumped over system of characters that would work in combination with a breathalyzer to let folk know when they're being drunktexted. I think all of these are better ideas, Apple...nice try, but get on that, plz and thx...


We Want Prenup II- 400 Million Dollar Baby

Well, I don't usually get involved with the goings-on of Hollywood (unless TMZ wants to give me a highly paid gig), but this one, like the whole Tiger saga, is just too funny to let slide...and also involves one of my pet causes, crazy ass divorce settlements. If you get bored later you can read more of my platform about that subject here, but right now I wanna type about my man Morgan Freeman. You see, in case you, like me, ain't exactly a big Perez Hilton person, he and his wife got divorced a while ago when it came out that he was under suspicion of fuckin his stepgranddaughter and planned to marry her. (How does that one come up? "Listen sweetie...I've watched you grow up for a while now and you're becoming quite the attractive young lady...come over here, sit down on my lap and let Grandpa read you an erotic novel in his trademark narration voice..." I mean, there's no way I would do it, but technically it's not blood so the creep factor is slightly lowered. However, he of all people should remember that lust is one of the se7en deadly sins, even more so with people in your bloodline.) Late pass if necessary, please.

While it's interesting enough to know that he was keeping it in the family, (most people would see that kind of thing as high crimes, but he could kinda justify that by saying that he was still in character from "Bruce Almighty" and thus saw all humans as his children, so it didn't make a difference who it was...) I only found out about the whole matter once the other shoe of celebrity divorce fell...the divorce settlement. It turned out to be a shoe that would kick his ass the long way home. The details of the settlement were initially private, but this is twentyten, so mafuckas found out anyway...when all was said and done and the judge wiped all the Vaseline off his gavel, the sum of all his fears was rendered: 400 million bucks and high dollar properties on both coasts as well as a villa on some island most of us will never be rich enough to see were now gone, baby, gone. (And all for HER...I mean, I'm not gonna be mean here but...she kinda favors Chris Rock...uh, Morgan, if you're gonna be a perv and pick from the family tree, you could at least not get a bruised fruit, you know?)

As an added bonus, since no gag order was signed, the now ex-Mrs. Freeman has the right to write a tell-all book about him kissing the girls. Truly, the contract will start a chain reaction that will make a deep impact on his life. (He's better than me...ain't nobody wringing half a billion dollars out of my black ass...if I were in his loafers, I'd invest in a hitman...they say it's cheaper to keep her, but it's cheaper still to have her killed..."SHOOT THIS MUTHAFUCKA!" *ahem*...uh, kidding.) Movie title puns aside, this raises (again) the issue of these huge divorce settlements. The fact is, they're simply giving these chicks too much. Despite appearing in approximately 0 of the 23 billion movies, TV shows and mental images from people like me requiring narration that Mr. Freeman has been in or having any known paid screen time whatsoever, Mrs. Free Woman will now enjoy a march of the benjamins directly into her pocketbook. (lol...I'll stop...)

That's just about a dollar for every recorded word that man ever spoke. I don't care if he cheated with her sister, burned down the house, and wrapped the family cat in duct tape...it ain't worth 400 mil AND real estate, and I'm not sure how you can justify that. Now, again, does she deserve something? Yeah, sure...I mean having your granddaughter steal your man is kinda fucked up...but she doesn't deserve everything. Hell, I'm not even sure he's worth 400 mil (and if so he ain't anymore...he'll be using that soothing paternal voice to narrate "It's my money, and I need it NOW!" commercials before you know it.) This should serve as a loud, clear warning to dudes with a couple dollars everywhere: put it on your bucket list to sign a pre-nup. Do it now...fuck that, do it yesterday. Ex-Mrs. Freeman is only the latest woman to profit handsomely from a failed marriage...it's damn near an outbreak, and one day it could happen to you. Trust a guy that hasn't found out the hard way...when you're rich, cheating is more than free, man.



Well, looks like it's Wednesday again...and for those of you that spend a lot of time around here (hi, New Orleans!) you know what that means...

!!!!!!!!!!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!!! yes i will be shouting out my city weekly =p
Least it means you're here every week, so fuck it why not? :)

What web browser do you use?
um...mostly the app called "Browser" on my Android, I think it's Safari though...

Ever thought another guy was attractive in a totally hetero way?
"Damn, homie kinda cute...I'd fuck, no homo..."

hmm...doesn't really work lol

Reebok Questions...I loved them when they first came out, but couldn't afford them...then when they rereleased them, I had a job and money and so I got 3 pairs, which I still have...I love those kicks...thx for asking!

Ever? I'm going with Michael Irvin...hell, I even wrote about him for Black History month lol...

Now? I really like Tony Romo...he's not the best (yet) but he can do things that no other QB can do...he came out of college undrafted, so that's a cool story, plus he gets hot blondes like it's nothing, so you have to respect that...I spend a lot of time defending him at the office, so I hope he proves me right one day...soon!

(are you REALLY surprised both are Cowboys?)

Every now and then lol

Favorite TV Show
Discounting football, I love Cheaters...

Do you like politics?
Nah, not really my thing...too much crying, finger pointing and name calling...it's like kindergarten without all the great shit like Play-Doh and graham crackers...I guess I'll have to get into it if I'm planning to run for President in 2028...

The last one...when you're single you never know for sure when the next one is :p

Nerd or Jock in High School?
Both...I was the quarterback with the bad attendance, decent grades, great test scores and comic book fixation...got all the jock perks though ;)

Do you own a gun?
yup...Rossi .38, just in case some crackhead decides the Treehouse is his own personal hidden treasure chest, I can go ahead and put him down...

Dream Job?
Quarterback of the Cowboys...but that position is filled right now, so daytime talk show host...I think I'd be good at that, hell if Steve can do it so can I!

Have you ever played basketball? Any Good?
I havent played seriously in a while, but I'll still shoot up if there's a game going on...as far as my skill, it ain't my first sport, but I'm good enough to justify my size and blackness lol

!!!MONEY OVER BITCHES!!! sorry still bitter over the ex...sigh =/
That's understandable, in these trying economic times, bitches are but one of the common frivolities that must be put aside in favor of financial stability...that's nothing to apologize for, just smart economics...

If heaven is real, what would you tell god to persuade him to let you in the pearly gates?
I would try to guilt my way in and tell him the truth, that he's an absentee father who let me go at least 22 years without any actual proof that he existed...I mean damn, even Maury fathers do better than that... :p

Wat is your main goal in life?
Having as much fun as possible while maybe learning some stuff...can't you tell?

Why do they teach us math like trig in school if we will never use it.
I do not know...I wonder the same damn thing myself, I think it's just to piss me off...

IS AJ GONNA HAVE 2 CHOKE A B*T*H? lol ever hit a girl?
lol...Never 1st, but if anybody hits anybody else they should expect retaliation...equal rights are a bitch, huh?

I want a scientific reason on why bitches always breakin <3>
me too, dude...If I had one, I wouldn't share for free, I'd be a rich man lol...it's on the
bucket list though, I got ya...

Do you volunteer?
I don't get paid for writing any of this lol

Wat college should i go to?
Um...that's a really good question. Well I was watching Maury the other day and a commercial came on where you can get the skills you need to make more money in your spare time, without even leaving home or spending 4 years in college...and they'll fight to get the money you deserve for your slip and fall and all you need is a car title or...something...wait, where was I?

Oh yeah...um, go to Harvard...I hear they're pretty good.

Braces. How old is 2 old?
Hmm...well with the advent of invisible braces, you can fix your crooked ass teeth until they start falling out...but as far as the standard ones, adults do look kind of weird with a mouth full of metal if it isn't a tongue ring, so...how's 18 sound?

I don't know...could be the sharp color scheme or the fuckin cussin or the semi-mysterious name...either way, I'm happy somebody besides me does, seriously :D

Damn...that's gotta be a new record...I appreciate it though, y'all...I guess me talking about >that question box> and putting this link:

after every week's set of questions is working. Thanks again umf'ers, I love you...um...as friends lol... (Gotta make that clear with some of the weird ones I get...lol...) Well, that's about all for this Wednesday, but if you want to get in the mix for next week...oh wait, I already covered that...um...okay then, bye!


A Piercing Editorial

They say that one of the greatest freedoms this country has to offer is that of religious expression...but if you ask high school student Ariana Iacono of Raleigh, she might call bullshit. You see, Ariana is a member of the Church of Body Modification (which was founded somewhere in Pennsylvania in July 2008 and has about 3,500 members, which, if you think about it, doesn't really make it any less credible as a system of belief. I mean, at one time there long ago were only like 13 Christians and look at y'all now...guess the only real difference between a group that some might call odd cultish whackjobs and a major religion is how many people go along with you.) This church teaches that through body modification like tattoos and piercings, followers increase the connection between mind, body and spirit and...you know, all that good shit. Point is, as a symbol of her faith, Ariana wears a small nose ring every day...pretty whatever, right? Doesn't hurt anybody not wearing it any more than a cross necklace or a Star of David ring or any other personal artifact that any believer in anything wears every day (like my Cowboys ring...lol...)

However, according to her school district, her beliefs go about as deep as a henna tattoo. They completely disregarded the spiritual aspect of her adornment, claiming the nose ring violated the dress code of her high school...and when she refused to take it out on religious grounds, they suspended her and sent her to the "alternative school"...which is nice talk for "the place they send the wayward kids who are one cut from juvie." Now, some people may see that and go "Hey...rules is rules." To those folk, I shake my head at the nekkid intolerance shown with that opinion. I mean, sure...her method of worship is a bit unorthodox...I myself never thought a tribal armband tattoo, a lip ring or a Tweety Bird tramp stamp could bring one closer to God, but who the hell am I to tell folk what they can and can't believe? (I don't have nearly enough readers to do that...)

Of course, after this shameful display of religious exclusion, Ariana and her parents, also members of the CBM, took advantage of another freedom held in high regard here in America...they sued the school district. They say she was discriminated against on the basis of her beliefs, and rightfully so...I'm not sure what else you can call an A student being sent off to another school to sit next to some kid that got kicked out of his school for whaling on his gym teacher with a folding chair and the girl that threatened her baby daddy's life with a blow torch in shop class, all because she chooses to be a good practitioner of her faith. (Now that's bullying...lol...)

There are those that will look at all the facts and still say she just needs to get over it and show up to school like everybody else...okay, let's be fair about it then. If she can't get a religious exclusion, nobody can. That means for the Christians, "under God" comes out of the Pledge...after all, some people live under Yahweh or Allah or the Great Spirit ot the Flying Spaghetti Monster or whatever their deity of choice is...can't leave them right? Muslim women, time to take off those ninja carpet cloaks...it's a security issue, we can't see your faces, screw your religious exception. Jews? No more yarmulkes inside, those are hats...it's impolite...that goes for you too, Muslim guys with your kufis. (I've always thought that one was especially bullshitty...if your hat can have religious significance, why can't mine? If you look at the title of this thing, you'll notice I'm hat-friendly...but that means everyone's hats should be cool. Next time somebody asks me to take my hat off, I'm saying it has religious basis...Anthonists wear hats every day.)

I sound crazy as shit right? If I said this on TV, I'd be the black Rush Limbaugh (yeah, yeah, I know...does not compute). I would never be able to run for public office or even leader of the neighborhood watch...but stripped of the various stigmas that surround things of this nature, that's exactly what's going on here. Somebody's freedom of religious expression, something that's written into the very laws that run this place, is being deliberately stepped on. The fucked up part is because not as many people live that way, it's fine. Well, in a country that's supposed to take such pride in its diversity and universal acceptance and all those wonderful, semi-meaningless buzzwords people like to say to sound worldly and cultured, you'll have to pardon my French when I say that's a bunch of merde. All that typed, I say more power to Ariana Iacono in her pursuit of respect for her beliefs...any real American would find it inspiring. (Especially me...I'm going to file those papers to have Anthonism classified as an official religion...me and my fitteds are sick of being oppressed...lol...)


Philly's Finest Bullies

In the City of Philadelphia, the police are represented by two separate, yet equally important groups. The good cops who investigate crimes and do their jobs in the least obtrusive manner for a profession that almost requires that you be a dick (all 5 of them), and the criminals with weird hats and badges that run around like they're above the law (because effectively, they are until they get caught). These are their stories.


lol...Sorry, couldn't resist. Seriously, corrupt cops in Philly is nothing new, but this latest case of bacon boys behaving badly takes the cake...(or the pot brownies, maybe). You see, this week 2 Philly cops, Sean Alivera and Christopher Luciano, were arrested for robbing a drug dealer for $3,000 in weed and around 24 thousand dollars in cash. (I'd much rather part with my lunch money.) They were going to take the drugs off the street and...give it to another dealer so he could sell it for them. Since the cops do it all the time (what did you think, they just burned the shit or threw it into the Atlantic or just dumped it off in Jersey?) It was actually an okay plan for a couple of crooked cops...better than just walking into a bar after hours and looting the safe and the taps like those other geniuses...with one fatal flaw: the dealer they jacked *drumroll* was a cop! The irony is so delicious it just has to be bad for you.

Of course, they'll go through the standard song and dance where they take the pilfering piggies off active duty, suspend them and retire their badge numbers so no officer will never wear them again (They're having to do that a lot this year...soon they'll run out and have to use fractions and decimals and shit for new officers. The commissioner's office has to look like Yankee fucking Stadium with all the retired numbers!) and maybe they'll do some token detention time, but the bigger picture is that Philadelphia has to lead the league in bullies with badges. 7 officers have been arrested this year for trying to strongarm people's goods and profits...and those are only the ones that get caught! They think they can do whatever they want...in theory, they're almost right...in fact, they are.

I've always wondered why it is that we elect people that are supposed to protect our rights and interests on a city, state and federal level, but the people assigned to defend our communities, interact with us and enforce the law on the most personal level are chosen for us...and as anybody who has spent a while here knows, our police department ain't a great judge of character. Any old sociopath or porn mustache wearing-goon can get a gun and the power to use it at their own discretion (Philly cops WILL shoot you...they might get a day in court to see if they were in the right to do so, but that doesn't help the poor, dead mafucka that died of instant onset lead poisoning one bit.) if they're willing to spend some time up at the police academy. We're giving bullies the license to kill...that only doesn't make sense to me?

It's always funny...okay, hilarious...to see a police officer be sent to the same fate he personally delivered other folk to (it's almost like hearing that Osama died in an attack from a suicide bomber, that M. Night Shamalyan was forced to walk out of a bad movie and waste 15 bucks in the process or that Maury is being hit up for child support) but it's amazing that people seemingly don't know that the police do things like this. This won't be the last arrest this month...or at least we should hope it isn't, because this shit goes down every day. (Real shit, we have a thing here called "Stop and Frisk" which is basically the adult equivalent of grabbing a freshman by his ankles and dumping everything out of his pockets.)

Why do some people think that a navy blue pantsuit is a character witness? Why is it that people think cops wear halos and not badges? Why do people think this is the exception and not the rule? Why is a bully not a bully because he wears a uniform? Maybe it's just a local phenomenon, but people, this is not news. This is reality for people who live here, and while some people are worried about bullies in schools and on Facebook, I'm worried about bullies in squad cars...they protect each other and serve themselves...and unlike some bitch ass left-back-thrice middle schooler, they're really the ones you can't do shit about. Do people really think bullies go away when you graduate? Just wondering...



All right...as much fun as it was debating the finer points of childhood collusion and all that good shit for 2 days, I'm ready to talk about something else (as a post, anyway...any insight you still have can be dropped in the comment section of those writings or emailed to me...but y'all figured that out, I guess :) ) ...luckily it's Wednesday, aka reader question day...which means I probably get to talk about EVERYTHING else...and yet, still that...lol. Anyway, let's see what's in the bag this week...

Favorite Websites?
Facebook (duh), BTB (my Cowboys news hub...I check it like normal folk check their emails), I spend a little time on Youtube and can literally lose hours to Wikipedia, and I've grown to like BlogCatalog (despite the fact that I hate the word...I got over it temporarily because one time me and my electric scribbles were on the front page for like 6 hours...was that my 15 seconds of internet fame?)...that accounts for like 90% of my internetting, and includes nothing productive, which shows I'm doing this thing right...

Wud u let an attractive male give u head
Right after I let somebody facefuck me with a .45 caliber hollowpoint...

If you wear your hat backwards, how do you keep the sun out of your eyes?
The cool thing about fitteds is they have mobile brim technology which allows the wearer to turn the brim as necessity for vision or desire to look awesome dictates...so when the sun's out, it's forward lol...

(I did see a guy one time with a backwards hat and his hand shielding the sun from his eyes one time though...it was like seeing somebody put a padlock inside a safe, I needed a drink immediately...)

Ever got dropped in a fight???
lol dropped...that sounds bad as hell... No, I've never been dropped, I don't make a habit of getting my ass beat...I did have one fight long ago I consider a loss by decision (I busted his lip but got a black eye...shameful...), but I've won 5 straight since. I can definitely hold my own but I tend to stay out of them if at all possible...it helps that I'm generally friendly and big enough that people think 2.5 times before starting up with me...

Favorite Adult Actress?
As I probably mentioned before at some point, I don't know most of those bitches names...they're just lust puppets who only have names so you can google them...but I do know like 3 or 4 and out of them my favorite is Jada Fire...she can suck a cup completely through a straw while it's in the cup...

Are you Taylor Gang affiliated?
Not that I know of, I sent an application in but they said I needed references...*sigh*...exclusion sucks... :p

Favorite Book and Movie?
Hmm...my favorite movie is...um...shit...just one..."Training Day"...I can watch that once a week...might watch it tonight, thanks for that!

As for the book part, I'm actually kind of ashamed to admit I don't read too much (It's not my fault, I couldn't find where you plug the charger in!) but I did really like "1984"...it's scary accurate to have been written way back when they invented color and the world first stopped being black and white...

Do you play video games?
Sometimes, I'm not a super heavy gamer but I'll hop on the Madden, the Live/2k, the Fight Night...I'm a fan of fighters like Tekken and Street Fighter, some racing games, Super Smash Brothers (I challenge ANYBODY with Captain Falcon) and Grand Theft Auto and its clones...I really don't have the time or attention span for a lot of them (barring a rained in weekend) though...

sidenote: I've always found the game "Second Life" (it's exactly what it sounds like) to be interesting, if only because many folk who spend the most time playing it don't have a first one...

When you coming to !!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!!
Know what? I have always wanted to go, seems like a great time...it's 4th on my list of places to visit in the US after Southern Cali (want to see if it really doesn't rain there), Miami, and Cowboys Stadium...

Fave Food?
Nachos...if they weren't so expensive to make properly, I might eat them 3 times a week without a problem.

So were you bullied as a child?
Everyone gets "bullied"...the teasing and shit I could just return fire on (had that gift from a young age) but the hands-on stuff quickly stopped once a few kids got a visit from the Tooth Fairy earlier than expected. My mommy didn't play that victim shit, and I was (am?) more scared of her than any punk ass 3rd grader so I learned to handle myself pretty quickly...thanks again, mommy! (Even though I hope you never read this...)

Where is this "umfjhs" lol
Right outside San Diego, California...why? Because I made it up and can put it wherever I want lol

Lowest moment in your life?
Well, as one might expect it involved a girl (my life otherwise stays on a pretty even positive keel...well, outside of the Cowboys)...I was about 16 and I really liked her, even from the waist up. She seemed to like me too, we talked for a couple months, then one day she invited me to her room and we watched a movie...I thought it might have headed in the direction that any 16 year old boy would hope, but she then told me her mom was about to come back and ushered me out of her house...I understood and left, thinking I would be waved around 3rd next at-bat...but that never happened.

She just totally cut me off for no real reason. To this day, I don't know what I did...and that was back when I wasn't an asshole! I felt so played (and yet so benched). That's when I first discovered, true to the rhyming insight of some urban poet, that bitches ain't shit. It did fuck with me for a while, I even cried 27 of the 143 tears I've cried since I was 10, but I learned an essential truth of life...the only way to move on is to move on (another girl's bed lol).

Another fun Wednesday...bully for me lol (aight, I'll stop, I promise). This will be back in 7 days in case you ain't too good at picking up on patterns...which also means you haven't figured out the question box is >over there> or that you can ask me whatever through this link:

I'll remind you again next week though...


GAP Assembly @ umfJHS

fittedwearer's note: Well, if you tuned in yesterday, you know that I wrote a somewhat controversial post (well...most of them are, but this is the first one that I've actually been called out on by multiple people...emails and all, I feel like Imus lol...) about the new definition of "bullying" and why kids just need to sack up and deal for their own good. This might be where you're expecting a retraction or some kind of backpedaling apologetic amendment, but if you know me at all you know that ain't forthcoming as long as I believe what I'm typing. In yesterday's post, I mentioned a new program for school-age kids called GAP *grow.a.pair*, and although I really wasn't planning to elaborate (...for once haha...it was kind of a regular throwaway joke), I think it best that I outline the character of this program in the hopes that folk can better understand why our children should have to cope with knuckleheads to some extent. (If you still don't see my general point after this though, ain't a whole lot I can tell you...) Aight, let's grab a shovel and get this started lol...

*Runs out on stage to crowd of applauding middle schoolers, throws a few copies of Madden and Justin Beiber CDs into assembly to bribe kids into paying attention a few extra minutes, sits AC Slater-style, facing chirrens on chair turned backwards*

Hey umfJHS! What's good with y'all today? Let me talk to you guys for a minute...I'm gonna hit y'all with some real talk, and probably use some language you don't want to repeat, ever...when adults can hear you, anyway...I know you guys are practicing, heard you in the hallways on the way in. Hey...I'm cool, its whatever, I won't snitch on you.

*pauses for nervous giggles*


*kids laugh harder, Principal cocks eyebrow*

Just breaking the ice, Princy...remember the contract!

*pulls from back pocket binding legal agreement stating free reign and noncensorship during assembly and waves around...because bullying is just fine for adults as long as it's notarized and witnessed...*

Check this out, though...it's hard growing up, isn't it? Yeah I know...hell, I'm still struggling with it...but there's one part of growing up that can be as easy as you make it, and that's bullies. I know, I saw the same videotape they showed y'all last week...bullies suck. Peep though...they're gonna be here, there and everywhere else and no matter what kind of no-bullying pledge they make you guys sign, some mouth breathing career D student is gonna try to make your life harder at some point.

Yup...despite what your teachers may tell you, bullies can be a problem all your life and unless you get your coping game up, you're in for a bumpy ride. You have to change the way you see bullying...it's not something that should terrorize your life, it's a learning experience! Let's go over what bullies can teach you based on the methods they use.

-Exclusion: Ever been told you can't sit at the cool kids' table or picked last in kickball every day? Well, for the second one it might just mean you suck at kickball, but in twentyten they call that "exclusion" and it's a form of bullying. I've been there once or twice...but the crazy thing about the adult world is you're way more likely to be excluded there! I told you I was gonna be honest...and odds are you'll be excluded in your life. Whether you get cut from the basketball team, don't get a prom date, don't make the line on a fraternity or sorority, get laid off from a job or get told your credit is so bad they won't accept your debit card, exclusion is a part of life. It's not fun, I get that...but it's gonna happen. It's best you start dealing with it early so you don't slip into a spiraling depression when somebody won't follow you on Twitter because it's the 1st time in life you've been left out.

-Insults: Name-calling and insults are another bully tactic...if you let it be. Here's the thing about insults...not only do they cause you no physical pain of any kind or even have to be true when spoken...but they have comebacks! Learn a few (start from "I know you are, but what am I?" and work your way up.) and see if you can't joke your way out of the hot seat...you eventually develop something called wit. It might be the most useful coping mechanism I had when I was a kid...believe it or not I was "bullied" at one point in time...and it served me well. I even make people laugh on Facebook with it...and I know you guys like that, am I right?

-Backbiting/Rumors: Another way somebody can "bully" you is to talk behind your back. You know, Briana did this and I heard Josh did that. I know how it is, y'all...but guess what? Adults do it too! More, if anything... Let me ask y'all a favor, can all the young ladies put their hands in the air one time?

*surveys crowd*

Ok, uh-huh...cool. Did I tell you that you all look so nice and pretty...and guess what? When you get older, you'll go to a place called a "salon" to stay that way. Crazy part is, in there, rumors and gossip aren't called "bullying", they're called "conversation". There's even a show some of y'all probably watch called TMZ, which pretty much exists because of those things. It's a part of life...the sooner you learn to deal with it, the better. Just remember, you have 2 ears and one mouth for a reason...because only half of what you hear is worth repeating. (That half is pretty damn funny though...)

- Self-Esteem issues: They also say that bullies can take away your self-esteem...I say they don't know what self-esteem is. Self-esteem is how YOU feel about you, not him or her or anyfuckinbody else. If somebody can take your self-esteem, you never had it! See, you can't let these assholes have control over what you think...so what he said you're fat or that you have a big head? In the adult world, not everybody thinks you're the same perfect gift from the parted heavens that your parents do, and if you're not equipped to deal with it when somebody decides they don't like something about you, you're gonna have a nervous breakdown before dismissal.

The key to taking that power is to just accept that not everybody will accept you or what you do and embrace yourself...it's the only 'you' you'll get, trust me. Honestly, fuck what anybody has to say about your life if you're happy. That includes me...fuck what I say, if you decide you're happier as a victim, then just go ahead and drop to the ground sobbing when somebody says your favorite shirt is an ugly color. Just know that once you leave this place, not only will nobody feel sorry for you but they'll probably make a point of torturing you more just to get a reaction. My best advice is to shrug it off, smile, and do what you do...you'll have a much easier go at life, trust me.

-Conflict Resolution: Okay, we've talked about all the meaningless words people can bounce off you...but what about when things get physical? I know things get rough sometimes...I can clearly see Timmy over there has gotten a swirly today...

*points, pauses for laughter*

Just messin with ya, Timmy...you're cool, thanks for being a good sport...

*tosses Timmy a $25 Amazon gift card*

...but seriously, nobody has the right to put their hands on you against their will. If that happens, it's wrong...you can't defend that. However, just like in the adult world, you have 2 choices. You can either inform the authorities...that's Principal Baldy and Co. standing over there...

*points, children squeal with delight, Principal fumes, tosses Principal a $25 Amazon gift card with $12.48 left on it*

You'll be aight, Princy.

Or alternately, you can exercise your...

-Right to Self-Defense: I don't advocate violence in schools or anywhere else, but some people don't speak anything else. School may tell you that violence isn't the answer, and they're right...it's the question, and the answer is "sometimes". Solving one's problems without violence is really the way to go 9.5/10 times...but that last .5 can be a real bitch in the adult world if you don't know that talking just doesn't fix everything. I'm not telling you to go around beating people up...that makes you a bully too...but if somebody is going to cause you harm, you have the right...shit, the responsibility to defend yourself.

They say an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind, but not if everyone would keep their pokey fingers to themselves...so next time somebody tries to stuff you in a locker or throw you in a trashcan, think about whether turning the other cheek will get you fucked. Lessons learned in blood are rarely forgotten, and that's true whether you're 10 or 100...so make a bully reconsider whether it's you he wants to pick on. Most of the time, just the threat of standing up to them will send a bully running for an easier target (everybody knows bullies are bitchmade at heart)...don't be that target!

Aight y'all, hopefully you understand now that bullying isn't just something that happens in grade school, it's a potential ongoing life situation. If you're a victim at 12, you'll be a victim at 22, 32, 42, 52 and 102...so it's best you learn how to deal with it now instead of when you're older when the bullies do things like try to take your girlfriend, stick you with their workload at the job or worst of all, try to keep you in a relationship with them.

*puzzled looks from kids, knowing smiles from adults*

It's complicated, I'll explain that at the next assembly...trust me on that though. Anyway, just remember kids...life's tough, get a fucking helmet! Good luck umfJHS, you've been great, I'm out!

*holds mic above head in fist to thunderous applause for a few seconds, slowly walks out*


Bullying Awareness

October is National Anti-Bullying Month (which is kind of ironic, considering that some of the kids that the month is designed to protect to have their biggest problems this month...everyone's back in school now, so the bullies are in midseason form, plus I can't think of a worse fate than having to sit through a month of boring, ineffective assemblies and then having your Halloween candy snatched and your costume eaten by bullies at the end of the month...) and around the country, efforts are being taken to bring awareness to bullying...because, you know, nobody was aware there were bullies before like 5 years ago or something...apparently, it's some new pandemic-level affliction that just popped up like AIDS a few decades ago. (Both do, after all, come from monkeys.)

However, like so many things in our padded, PC society today, the definition of "bullying" has changed. Where once wedgies, stolen lunch money, human locker storage and random hallway assaults were the highlights of the bully repertoire, this childhood roughhousing is now grounds for arrest and prosecution in most states. A new, softer generation of "bullies" has emerged to oppress a new, sheltered generation of classmates, brandishing powerful weapons such as...hurtful insults like "fat" and "ugly"...or in other words, the content of a typical lunchtime joke session. (We used to do the shit for fun and now it's literally a federal case...I feel so old with this "in my day" shit lol...) These kids, educated with all kinds of unnecessary knowledge, somehow skipped over the sticks/stones and rubber/glue theorems...maybe they should go back and review it.

Another new and dangerous method of childhood terrorism is referred to as "cyberbullying" (and in my opinion is cyberbullshit). I can't lie, when I first heard the term I thought of kids posting statuses that said "I want lunch money from..." and then tagging their targets or some kind of new chain text with a picture of a toilet with the caption "YOU HAVE BEEN SWIRLIED! Pass this on to 10 people in the next 15 minutes or...", but in fact it involves such devastating tactics as writing bad stuff on a schoolmate's Facebook wall and...derogatory tweets and uh...yeah. (That stuff doesn't delete either...believe me, many people have tried!) I can't help but wonder why these kids are friends with people who actively don't like them on Facebook or anywhere else though...

I know, I know... "But AJ...what about when the teasing makes children hurt themselves?" It's a fair question...with an answer that may seem a little unfair: "Reader, nobody made anybody do anything...I've been called every name in the book and the sequel to the book twice and never has anyone else's opinion caused me to want to make it worse. Hell...if I'm fragile enough to let words affect me to that extent, I was probably going to find an excuse either way. A person who chooses that method of conflict resolution needs help with their coping skills, because the fact is people are going to talk shit...somebody's probably talking shit about you as you read this...but hurting yourself because you're hurt is like setting yourself on fire after your house burns down...doesn't help anybody, whatever losses you took are now compounded and somebody is probably gonna laugh at you anyway." It ain't exactly "The More You Know" material, but I'll be damned if it's untrue.

In other words, instead of trying to wrap the experience of growing up in bubble wrap so nobody gets hurt, maybe they should have an hourlong presentation called "Grow a Pair!: Changing the Lives of our Youth." In it, it would be explained to our children that not only will kids be teased as long as words rhyme and people have differences, but that the school can't protect them forever and if they're gonna have a little breakdown every time somebody has something negative to say about them when they grow up, nobody's going to feel sorry for them. (It would end with the tagline "Life's tough, get a fucking helmet.") Yes, bullying can present a problem for school-age children...but they're the same problems that await them when they're older, and to make anything else appear to be the truth is a grave disservice to the younglings. As a former resident of childhood (who still keeps a vacation home there), I'm as for protecting our kids as anybody else...but, like a flu shot or chicken pox sometimes the best protection is a little exposure...eventually, like me and most other healthy adults, you build up an immunity. I'm very aware of that...are you?


Spaced Out

I was reading in the news today how scientists have found the first planet outside our solar system in the "habitable range" from the star it orbits. That's far enough to not be smothered and sucked into its sun but close enough to comfortably feel it's warmth...kinda like picking a location to move away from one's parents. In both cases, these conditions are ideal to support life.

Yup, this extrasolar space rock 20 light-years away that scientists call Gliese 581g, may have an atmosphere like ours, liquid water, and maybe...just maybe...the first extraterrestrial life in seriously recorded human history. (By the way, Leave it to NASA eggheads to screw up the name...Gliese 581g, really that's the best you've got? Not Alderaan or Omicron Persei 8 or Oa or anything decent sounding, just that bullshit. It sounds like motor oil or sex lube or something...if there is anything there, and they find out we called their planet some nonsense like that, it might start an intergalactic war or some shit...reconsider that, astronomy folk...)

Anyway, without getting too nerd-fabulous here, the big news here is we as a species might be really, really close to interacting with somebody besides ourselves. Truly, it may be an exciting time for anybody who has looked up and wondered: "Are we alone?" (My personal answer is no...think about how we're one planet out of 8, in a galaxy that has millions of solar systems just like our own, in an area of space where hundreds of galaxies like our hometown, the Milky Way, exist...let's be real, the universe is way too big for this relatively small band of 7 billion psychotic space monkeys to be here by ourselves.)

I, however, have a different question: "Shouldn't we be alone for now?"

I'm as curious as the rest of us about whether we're the only life in our intergalactic neighborhood, but I think we have way too many issues at home to fix before we go out in public. Let's consider this: Is this what we really want other spacefolk to see us like? A bunch of animals fighting and killing each other over imaginary lines dividing areas of land, storybooks from thousands of years ago, and pieces of paper with dead people printed on them, shooting pieces of space junk and shrapnel all over the galaxy as fast as we could make it?

If you had never seen Earth before, landed here, and watched television for one hour, what would you think? Be honest...you would think we were a primitive tribe of self-hating savages who worshipped the cast of "Jersey Shore" or the worst ongoing planetwide episode of "Springer" one could ever imagine. I don't know about you, but that ain't the best first impression.

Hell, I think the reason we haven't been able to find anybody else is that they don't want to be found. I know that some humans are cool, and so do you...but how would an outsider know that with some of the fucked up homosapiens running around this place? In my opinion, Earth is kind of like the 'hood of our galaxy...a bad environment that more than a few good people are forced to live in. Some people may cringe driving through North Philly, the South Bronx, East LA or West Baltimore, but just imagine the fucked up looks we would get if some aliens were forced to drive by our planet and see all the shit that goes down on Earf. I bet every time they roll by here they lock all the hatches on their space cruisers and run red giants just to get through faster...and as soon as they can, they get as far away as nonhumanly possible.

I'll be honest: whether we're alone in this vast expanse of the cosmos has always been a curiousity of mine, but now that it actually could happen, I wonder if it's even the best idea in our current state. I mean, if there is life on Gliese 581g, them even dealing with us as we are is you like inviting the most crazy,dysfunctional family you know over for dinner, except instead of a big argument, some domestic violence and maybe some spilled pasta, the guests might blow up the whole fuckin house...hell, they don't know how to act, they can barely take care of where they live. So, while I congratulate science on all it's advancements that brought us this far, maybe it's us as a species that needs to advance a bit before we're ready to meet and greet...just a thought.