1) There is more to life between August and February besides football. Not too much, mind you...but more. (Nothing like this kind of season to teach you that shit...still, go Cowboys...*unenthusiastic "whoo!"*)
2) How to make a water pipe (to be used with exclusively legal substances). It's easier than it sounds, only requires a 20 ounce hard plastic bottle, a plastic dutch tube, a washer and a bit of aluminum foil. It has to have saved me hundreds of dollars in wrapping paper of all kinds...in these financial times, it's the smart decision.
3) Facebook is only as stupid as the people you know (which makes it pretty stupid for most folk) but it's a great source of post material and a damn fun waste of time.
4) How to make little stars at the end of every Facebook status. (★copyandpaste★)
5) Love is real, like it or not.
6) Expect the unexpected...except when you least expect it, that's when it's least likely to happen.
7) Philly cops are very honest people.
8) I'm a very sarcastic person.
9) My apartment is my favorite place to be...call me a homebody, but it's warm, it makes a great umbrella, the food's good, the drinks are cheap, there's no cover, and I can use my water pipe (to be exclusively used with legal substances).
10) The Roku is awesome...seriously, fuck you Comcast.
11) Snuggies are 'tarded. Once and for all, it's a overlength cotton hospital gown that does nothing to protect one's hands from the freezing cold of one's living room and is very likely to lead to serious injury or death (even if only by embarrassment) if worn outside. Why, people...why?
12) Never mess with a girl named Purple. That one should have been obvious as soon as she introduced herself, but I had to learn that the hard way. I don't give one solitary fuck how cute she is...just don't do it to yourself.
13) Some shit just never stops being funny. Case in point:
14) You have to keep track of your good friends...you only get a few people who honestly care about your dumb ass no matter what. Most of these are blood relatives, they're kinda obligated...but these people do it voluntarily. Do your best to work around the changes life WILL bring and keep your relationships intact.
15) Sometimes, I like my online friends better than my offline friends. Sure, they could be lying about who they are...but don't people do that in the matrix every day? At least they read umf...lol...
16) Freedom is not free. It's about $750 a month on average...plus utilities in some places.
17) How to cook...takeout is expensive as fuck lol...
18) Come to think of it, everything's too fuckin' expensive nowadays. You know what a dollar buys you in twentyten? A loose condom, a bag of off-brand chips and a canned soda, an answer from some text-based question answering service or 87 cents. In my day--
19) I am way too young to be saying "in my day".
20) The idea to let random people ask me questions, answer honestly and post them on umf is possibly the best decision I made since I chose my attractive and tasteful color scheme...seriously, "Formsprung" kicks all kinds of ass.
21) I could watch the movie "Scott Pligrim vs. The World" once a month for the rest of my life and be fine...damn shame it made about 200 dollars at the box office.
22) A winter boo is a good thing to have...just be careful.
23) Nothing is fun. It's a whole lot of fun.
24) Some McDonald's shut down the dollar menu after a certain time. It's highway robbery, is what it is...emphasis on "high"...not cool Mickey D's...not cool.
25) Coaching matters. Have a great day.
26) Weed is great...I mean, I knew this before...but it really is.
27) You can bully prices down. I got 10 bucks a month taken off my T-Mobile bill by threatening to switch to Cricket. That's 10 dollars I can waste some other way.
28) I have more readers than I thought...people I had no idea read umf often slip up and make references they could have only seen there. To all my ghostreaders...you're appreciated. (It would make me feel better if you subscribed for real, but fuckit I'm just happy you're reading.)
29) How to appreciate Jon Kitna.
30) I'm no rapper, but every so often, it's nice to write some shit that rhymes.
31) While I'm still leery of overhyping myself, a little promotion ain't a bad thing...how else are people supposed to know about this?
32) DeSean Jackson is a complete douche. I loathe the Eagles enough already, but there's a special slice of hate cake for that cocky little fuck. I don't actually wish injury on him, I just hope at some point he gets popped so hard he walks off the field unharmed under his own power and retires from football of his own free will, effective immediately.
33) My mommy is awesome. Yes, I'm going to say this every year.
34) Hoodrats are a strange and fascinating beast...that's why I'm glad my research can educate folk to their nature. I made the world a slightly better place with that post...lol...
35) My Netflix thinks I'm a kid...most of my "suggestions" involve cartoons and explosions. (It's absolutely correct.)
36) People are less aware than you think...if you're stealthy about it, you can take a sneaktip picture of someone weird as they look into the camera lens itself. Learn the ways of the camera phone ninja...it's fun, seriously.
37) I'm addicted to my phone...and that's cool with me.
38) There's nothing quite like making a grilled cheese and bacon at 3am while blazing and wearing little else besides a hat.
39) How to plan my off days...why take off random Tuesdays and Thursdays when I can extend a weekend or a vacation? I'll come in when I'm actually sick to save a sick day for when I can enjoy it....lol...
40) Being drunk in a supersuit is way more fun than being drunk in civilian clothes. *whoosh!*
41) It really sucks to have to go back to work after a nice, long holiday...sometimes it feels like being....dragged.
42) Sometimes, a single collarbone can change the course of history. Get well soon, Tony.
43) My sister was sent to Earth to plague my life. I don't know why it's taken me 22+ years to figure it out.
44) Teachers play hooky too.
45) No, but for real...don't mess with a girl named Purple.
46) People Google some really weird shit...
47) There was really a lot of demand for a Facebook ettiquette guide...I had no idea.
48) About half of the people you know are below average.
49) About half of the people you know are above average.
50/50) If you can't figure out where you fit, those are the chances you fit in the former group.
51) Make that 50+50...
52) Eagles fans are annoying on a regular, but insufferable when enjoying some modicum of success. You know how a kid might get a small, piece of shit TV for their room as a 5th birthday present? Everyone who's had a TV knows the TV is nothing special, but to Junior it's the best thing plugged in because it's all he knows. He'll run around telling everyone that will stay within earshot that he has a new TV until he inevitably spills juice on it and destroys it a few months later before soiling his pants during a tantrum caused by his self-inflicted but highly predictable misfortune. This is, to a tee, a description of an Eagles fan.
53) You can't help who you love. They might not come in the box you were expecting, but refusing delivery on those grounds could keep you from getting the total package you're looking for.
54) umf is a legitimate part of my life now.
55) I still can't stand Nicki Minaj.
56) I'm actually pretty good at this writing thing. I never really believed it before, but I guess everybody can't be wrong. Thanks everybody!
57) Words are fun to use...they have so many different subtleties and meanings and connotations that not saying exactly what you mean is more laziness than anything.
58) As fun as the words in the dictionary are, they're even more to make up. (That's why I do it in bulk.)
59) Jetpacks exist. Sweet.
60) The internet: Serious Business.
61) I'm stuck with certain stuff forever (like my Cowboys fanhood and inner child, not herpes or anything...what do I look like, your ex?)
62) Domino's really stepped up their shit. That cheesy ketchup bread they used to serve holds no weight to their new stuff...try it out!
63) Gloves make all the difference in the cold.
64) That one corner store is where I can ALWAYS get what I need...legal or otherwise.
65) Come to think of it, there's no good reason why that's illegal. I challenge you. I'll give you til 12:01 January 1, twentytwelve. Give me a good reason.
66) Mostly, you're only as bored as you are stupid.
67) It's fun to just fuck with people for no real reason.
68) How to make Green Dragon.
69) Some people really need to grow a pair.
70) All jokes aside, real shit...NEVER fuck with a girl named Purple.
71) Writer's block can be worked through...
72) You can get your lunch taken even as an adult.
73) Nobody knows who the Green Lantern is...until the movie comes out next summer. SMH.
74) There are people who don't know what "inferior" means. Grown people. I know this because somebody stopped me in the street and asked me.
75) 31 NFL teams a year will not win the Super Bowl. The Dallas Cowboys are but one of them.
76) It sucks anyway.
77) People steal phone chargers...people with jobs...seriously.
78) That dude from Man V. Food is a stoner. You can tell me no different.
79) I only need to give up my seat on a need to sit basis.
80) Guys make 15% more on average...and we deserve it...lol...
81) A letter doesn't have to go through the mail...I can just post it online and everybody will see it. (Including Sonic restaurants, hopefully...)
82) There's a right and wrong way to sell commodities that reside in a legal gray area. If you don't know the right way, you don't need to, and if you do know the right way, what the fuck are you asking me for? (One wrong way I saw personally was a guy standing in the middle of a block hawking his wares aloud until he was seized from behind by a cop, another involved asking the buyer if he was a cop after the buy. It ain't for you...just get a regluar job, man...)
83) The location of a an outlet for my charger on every train in Philly...gotta be prepared, this thing is my lifeline...
84) Whatever fucked up bullshit you're going through--and trust me, there will be some in life--going through it with somebody special really helps. Doesn't really matter who it is. Maybe it's you...makes the relationship that much more special lol...
85) I talk shit about cops, and many deserve it...but let's not let the work of good, honest officers just out there doing their jobs go unrecognized. They're a necessary part of a civil society. Thanks, fine bacon boys and baconettes all over the city. (Besides, apparently, one day a year, I can really, really appreciate the efforts of the Philadelphia Police Department. "...and we like it a lot!" hahaha)
86) You don't actually need talent to be on TV any more...you just have to be 16 and pregnant, vaguely famous for more than 14 minutes, on a previous reality TV show, or have a willingness to have your egregious dumbassity recorded for your kids to see one day to get your season in front of the cameras. Only price is your dignity...or maybe some jail time, if your gimmick is a made up story about losing a small child in a hot air balloon.
87) Humor makes a great chaser for a 100-proof opinion. You can say pretty much whatever the fuck you want, as long as people think it's funny. Seriously, try it...
88) Dez Bryant was as advertised...he will be a problem for the league for the next 10-15 years. He almost singlehandedly made this season watchable...well, him and lots of alcohol.
89) A new system of washing dishes that makes me hate it way less.
90) Wikipedia is a time-suck for the curious mind. One time I looked up what chicken tetrazzini was and ended up 3 hours later curled up in the fetal position on the floor, sweating bullets with bloodshot eyes as I furiously read articles on gamma ray bursts, theories on Kennedy's assassination, pharmacological effects of cannabis on the human body, average lifespans by country and summaries of Cowboys seasons between 1999-2005 just to remind myself it has been worse. Dangerous, dangerous stuff.
91) Never leave a recently-emptied Hamburger Helper box anywhere near an electric stovetop burner.
92) Never leave a potholder anywhere near a stovetop burner.
93) Keep your heavily intoxicated cooking to a minimum. It's fun but...yeah...
94) Just because you can't see a win doesn't mean it's not there. Just because you can't see a loss doesn't mean it's not there.
95) You can learn more about somebody in 5 minutes of staring at someone's Facebook profile (whether the information presented is real or clearly fictional...even more so in the latter case) than you can in 5 months casually knowing that person as people do most of their Facebook friends. That 5 minutes can also be enough time to decide whether that person is the kind of person you wish would be relocated to some distant locale, possibly the moon or something. (Maybe if you're feeling charitable, they could have space suits too.)
96) At work, it's often more important to look busy for extended periods than actually get your work done.
97) Those who matter don't mind. Those who mind...can fuck themselves.
98) I think I should start making t-shirts...lol...
99) I don't give a damn if it is by marriage...fucking your granddaughter is very unseemly. Shame on you, Mr. Freeman.
100) Lists of round numbers are unimaginative.
101) So are lists of 101.
102) I really like writing. Na, let me stop being cool...fuckit, I love it. Every time one of y'all reads something I write and agrees, I smile. Every time somebody reads some ole controversial shit and disagrees, but considers my point, I smile bigger. Hell, it's just nice to be read...makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even when I'm sober. I'm just glad I can kill some time for y'all and maybe (probably, let's be real :p ) make you laugh a little with my bullshit. The world would be a better place if everyone laughed more...hopefully together we can bullshit the world into a better place (...or maybe just get me some groupies hahaha).
Well, that took a while both to write and to read, but it took a year to learn so under the circumstances I think I did a pretty good express intimation. If you made it this far, you must be really bored...but that's what this is for, I guess. Hopefully, no matter how good your year was, you can have a better one in twentyleven (but only if you read the whole post...if not I hope you scrape your knee in early August). Thanks for spending your valuable internet time with me...I know there's competition like online poker, porn, and Twitter, which makes your coming under here with me that much more special. Aight, I'm getting chick-flicky...happy new year, mafuckaaaaaaas!