What I learned in twentyten...

Well, y'all...I can barely believe it, but twentyten is just about a wrap. It's been an interesting year to say the very least, and I have to say I learned a lot this year. Life is nothing if not a teacher, and I've earned quite a few credits this year...mostly good lessons, some bad, some that still go over my head and that I may require a tutor for...but definitely a full courseload. The only thing about gaining experience that way is that you don't get it until just after you need it...so in that spirit, I present to you a cheat sheet of all the things I've learned this year. Some have posts attached, some are just random shit that smacked me in the face at random points this year. Maybe you can learn some stuff the easy way (or maybe you'll just laugh...either or both are fine). So without further introbation, here it is...what I learned in twentyten!

1) There is more to life between August and February besides football. Not too much, mind you...but more. (Nothing like this kind of season to teach you that shit...still, go Cowboys...*unenthusiastic "whoo!"*)

2) How to make a water pipe (to be used with exclusively legal substances). It's easier than it sounds, only requires a 20 ounce hard plastic bottle, a plastic dutch tube, a washer and a bit of aluminum foil. It has to have saved me hundreds of dollars in wrapping paper of all kinds...in these financial times, it's the smart decision.

3) Facebook is only as stupid as the people you know (which makes it pretty stupid for most folk) but it's a great source of post material and a damn fun waste of time.

4) How to make little stars at the end of every Facebook status. (★copyandpaste★)

5) Love is real, like it or not.

6) Expect the unexpected...except when you least expect it, that's when it's least likely to happen.

7) Philly cops are very honest people.

8) I'm a very sarcastic person.

9) My apartment is my favorite place to be...call me a homebody, but it's warm, it makes a great umbrella, the food's good, the drinks are cheap, there's no cover, and I can use my water pipe (to be exclusively used with legal substances).

10) The Roku is awesome...seriously, fuck you Comcast.

11) Snuggies are 'tarded. Once and for all, it's a overlength cotton hospital gown that does nothing to protect one's hands from the freezing cold of one's living room and is very likely to lead to serious injury or death (even if only by embarrassment) if worn outside. Why, people...why?

12) Never mess with a girl named Purple. That one should have been obvious as soon as she introduced herself, but I had to learn that the hard way. I don't give one solitary fuck how cute she is...just don't do it to yourself.

13) Some shit just never stops being funny. Case in point:

14) You have to keep track of your good friends...you only get a few people who honestly care about your dumb ass no matter what. Most of these are blood relatives, they're kinda obligated...but these people do it voluntarily. Do your best to work around the changes life WILL bring and keep your relationships intact.

15) Sometimes, I like my online friends better than my offline friends. Sure, they could be lying about who they are...but don't people do that in the matrix every day? At least they read umf...lol...

16) Freedom is not free. It's about $750 a month on average...plus utilities in some places.

17) How to cook...takeout is expensive as fuck lol...

18) Come to think of it, everything's too fuckin' expensive nowadays. You know what a dollar buys you in twentyten? A loose condom, a bag of off-brand chips and a canned soda, an answer from some text-based question answering service or 87 cents. In my day--

19) I am way too young to be saying "in my day".

20) The idea to let random people ask me questions, answer honestly and post them on umf is possibly the best decision I made since I chose my attractive and tasteful color scheme...seriously, "Formsprung" kicks all kinds of ass.

21) I could watch the movie "Scott Pligrim vs. The World" once a month for the rest of my life and be fine...damn shame it made about 200 dollars at the box office.

22) A winter boo is a good thing to have...just be careful.

23) Nothing is fun. It's a whole lot of fun.

24) Some McDonald's shut down the dollar menu after a certain time. It's highway robbery, is what it is...emphasis on "high"...not cool Mickey D's...not cool.

25) Coaching matters. Have a great day.

26) Weed is great...I mean, I knew this before...but it really is.

27) You can bully prices down. I got 10 bucks a month taken off my T-Mobile bill by threatening to switch to Cricket. That's 10 dollars I can waste some other way.

28) I have more readers than I thought...people I had no idea read umf often slip up and make references they could have only seen there. To all my ghostreaders...you're appreciated. (It would make me feel better if you subscribed for real, but fuckit I'm just happy you're reading.)

29) How to appreciate Jon Kitna.

30) I'm no rapper, but every so often, it's nice to write some shit that rhymes.

31) While I'm still leery of overhyping myself, a little promotion ain't a bad thing...how else are people supposed to know about this?

32) DeSean Jackson is a complete douche. I loathe the Eagles enough already, but there's a special slice of hate cake for that cocky little fuck. I don't actually wish injury on him, I just hope at some point he gets popped so hard he walks off the field unharmed under his own power and retires from football of his own free will, effective immediately.

33) My mommy is awesome. Yes, I'm going to say this every year.

34) Hoodrats are a strange and fascinating beast...that's why I'm glad my research can educate folk to their nature. I made the world a slightly better place with that post...lol...

35) My Netflix thinks I'm a kid...most of my "suggestions" involve cartoons and explosions. (It's absolutely correct.)

36) People are less aware than you think...if you're stealthy about it, you can take a sneaktip picture of someone weird as they look into the camera lens itself. Learn the ways of the camera phone ninja...it's fun, seriously.

37) I'm addicted to my phone...and that's cool with me.

38) There's nothing quite like making a grilled cheese and bacon at 3am while blazing and wearing little else besides a hat.

39) How to plan my off days...why take off random Tuesdays and Thursdays when I can extend a weekend or a vacation? I'll come in when I'm actually sick to save a sick day for when I can enjoy it....lol...

40) Being drunk in a supersuit is way more fun than being drunk in civilian clothes. *whoosh!*

41) It really sucks to have to go back to work after a nice, long holiday...sometimes it feels like being....dragged.

42) Sometimes, a single collarbone can change the course of history. Get well soon, Tony.

43) My sister was sent to Earth to plague my life. I don't know why it's taken me 22+ years to figure it out.

44) Teachers play hooky too.

45) No, but for real...don't mess with a girl named Purple.

46) People Google some really weird shit...

47) There was really a lot of demand for a Facebook ettiquette guide...I had no idea.

48) About half of the people you know are below average.

49) About half of the people you know are above average.

50/50) If you can't figure out where you fit, those are the chances you fit in the former group.

51) Make that 50+50...

52) Eagles fans are annoying on a regular, but insufferable when enjoying some modicum of success. You know how a kid might get a small, piece of shit TV for their room as a 5th birthday present? Everyone who's had a TV knows the TV is nothing special, but to Junior it's the best thing plugged in because it's all he knows. He'll run around telling everyone that will stay within earshot that he has a new TV until he inevitably spills juice on it and destroys it a few months later before soiling his pants during a tantrum caused by his self-inflicted but highly predictable misfortune. This is, to a tee, a description of an Eagles fan.

53) You can't help who you love. They might not come in the box you were expecting, but refusing delivery on those grounds could keep you from getting the total package you're looking for.

54) umf is a legitimate part of my life now.

55) I still can't stand Nicki Minaj.

56) I'm actually pretty good at this writing thing. I never really believed it before, but I guess everybody can't be wrong. Thanks everybody!

57) Words are fun to use...they have so many different subtleties and meanings and connotations that not saying exactly what you mean is more laziness than anything.

58) As fun as the words in the dictionary are, they're even more to make up. (That's why I do it in bulk.)

59) Jetpacks exist. Sweet.

60) The internet: Serious Business.

61) I'm stuck with certain stuff forever (like my Cowboys fanhood and inner child, not herpes or anything...what do I look like, your ex?)

62) Domino's really stepped up their shit. That cheesy ketchup bread they used to serve holds no weight to their new stuff...try it out!

63) Gloves make all the difference in the cold.

64) That one corner store is where I can ALWAYS get what I need...legal or otherwise.

65) Come to think of it, there's no good reason why that's illegal. I challenge you. I'll give you til 12:01 January 1, twentytwelve. Give me a good reason.

66) Mostly, you're only as bored as you are stupid.

67) It's fun to just fuck with people for no real reason.

68) How to make Green Dragon.

69) Some people really need to grow a pair.

70) All jokes aside, real shit...NEVER fuck with a girl named Purple.

71) Writer's block can be worked through...

72) You can get your lunch taken even as an adult.

73) Nobody knows who the Green Lantern is...until the movie comes out next summer. SMH.

74) There are people who don't know what "inferior" means. Grown people. I know this because somebody stopped me in the street and asked me.

75) 31 NFL teams a year will not win the Super Bowl. The Dallas Cowboys are but one of them.

76) It sucks anyway.

77) People steal phone chargers...people with jobs...seriously.

78) That dude from Man V. Food is a stoner. You can tell me no different.

79) I only need to give up my seat on a need to sit basis.

80) Guys make 15% more on average...and we deserve it...lol...

81) A letter doesn't have to go through the mail...I can just post it online and everybody will see it. (Including Sonic restaurants, hopefully...)

82) There's a right and wrong way to sell commodities that reside in a legal gray area. If you don't know the right way, you don't need to, and if you do know the right way, what the fuck are you asking me for? (One wrong way I saw personally was a guy standing in the middle of a block hawking his wares aloud until he was seized from behind by a cop, another involved asking the buyer if he was a cop after the buy. It ain't for you...just get a regluar job, man...)

83) The location of a an outlet for my charger on every train in Philly...gotta be prepared, this thing is my lifeline...

84) Whatever fucked up bullshit you're going through--and trust me, there will be some in life--going through it with somebody special really helps. Doesn't really matter who it is. Maybe it's you...makes the relationship that much more special lol...

85) I talk shit about cops, and many deserve it...but let's not let the work of good, honest officers just out there doing their jobs go unrecognized. They're a necessary part of a civil society. Thanks, fine bacon boys and baconettes all over the city. (Besides, apparently, one day a year, I can really, really appreciate the efforts of the Philadelphia Police Department. "...and we like it a lot!" hahaha)

86) You don't actually need talent to be on TV any more...you just have to be 16 and pregnant, vaguely famous for more than 14 minutes, on a previous reality TV show, or have a willingness to have your egregious dumbassity recorded for your kids to see one day to get your season in front of the cameras. Only price is your dignity...or maybe some jail time, if your gimmick is a made up story about losing a small child in a hot air balloon.

87) Humor makes a great chaser for a 100-proof opinion. You can say pretty much whatever the fuck you want, as long as people think it's funny. Seriously, try it...

88) Dez Bryant was as advertised...he will be a problem for the league for the next 10-15 years. He almost singlehandedly made this season watchable...well, him and lots of alcohol.

89) A new system of washing dishes that makes me hate it way less.

90) Wikipedia is a time-suck for the curious mind. One time I looked up what chicken tetrazzini was and ended up 3 hours later curled up in the fetal position on the floor, sweating bullets with bloodshot eyes as I furiously read articles on gamma ray bursts, theories on Kennedy's assassination, pharmacological effects of cannabis on the human body, average lifespans by country and summaries of Cowboys seasons between 1999-2005 just to remind myself it has been worse. Dangerous, dangerous stuff.

91) Never leave a recently-emptied Hamburger Helper box anywhere near an electric stovetop burner.

92) Never leave a potholder anywhere near a stovetop burner.

93) Keep your heavily intoxicated cooking to a minimum. It's fun but...yeah...

94) Just because you can't see a win doesn't mean it's not there. Just because you can't see a loss doesn't mean it's not there.

95) You can learn more about somebody in 5 minutes of staring at someone's Facebook profile (whether the information presented is real or clearly fictional...even more so in the latter case) than you can in 5 months casually knowing that person as people do most of their Facebook friends. That 5 minutes can also be enough time to decide whether that person is the kind of person you wish would be relocated to some distant locale, possibly the moon or something. (Maybe if you're feeling charitable, they could have space suits too.)

96) At work, it's often more important to look busy for extended periods than actually get your work done.

97) Those who matter don't mind. Those who mind...can fuck themselves.

98) I think I should start making t-shirts...lol...

99) I don't give a damn if it is by marriage...fucking your granddaughter is very unseemly. Shame on you, Mr. Freeman.

100) Lists of round numbers are unimaginative.

101) So are lists of 101.

102) I really like writing. Na, let me stop being cool...fuckit, I love it. Every time one of y'all reads something I write and agrees, I smile. Every time somebody reads some ole controversial shit and disagrees, but considers my point, I smile bigger. Hell, it's just nice to be read...makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside, even when I'm sober. I'm just glad I can kill some time for y'all and maybe (probably, let's be real :p ) make you laugh a little with my bullshit. The world would be a better place if everyone laughed more...hopefully together we can bullshit the world into a better place (...or maybe just get me some groupies hahaha).

Well, that took a while both to write and to read, but it took a year to learn so under the circumstances I think I did a pretty good express intimation. If you made it this far, you must be really bored...but that's what this is for, I guess. Hopefully, no matter how good your year was, you can have a better one in twentyleven (but only if you read the whole post...if not I hope you scrape your knee in early August). Thanks for spending your valuable internet time with me...I know there's competition like online poker, porn, and Twitter, which makes your coming under here with me that much more special. Aight, I'm getting chick-flicky...happy new year, mafuckaaaaaaas!

Formsprung: Season Finale

What's great, umf'ers? (I'll never say that again...lol...) Here it is, the last Wednesday and last reader question day for twentyten! What reader-generated wildness awaits in this final blue box free-for-all of the year? Only one way to find out...bout to get you "Formsprung"... (lol Justus)

Where the blue hell did you come up with that story lololol drag me to work, you're a fucking fool and I love it xD
It's actually a direct and simplified rip-off of the movie "Drag Me to Hell", in case I'm not insulting your intelligence by telling you that. It didn't take as much talent as you think, but I'm definitely glad you think it did. (The sad part is that the post I whittled out of it may be the best part of that movie...that film was major buttocks lol...) The hardest part was twisting it to fit my actual weekend, but all the plot devices and shit were already there...thanks for liking it tho!

you aint slick, aj...I like how u slid in the fact that u was all boo'd up in that story...u cheatin on me? Who's the bitch?
Oh, n--no, baby...you know I would never do you like that! She's just a friend! (Winter Boos are technically classified that way) Don't be like that...we can work this out...wait, who are you?

Whatcha doin for New Years?
I don't know...but I do know that I'll be drunk when I do it!

Did you learn anything this year?
Oh, you have no idea...

I saw and liked your Christmas vid but I thought you hated Christmas? Merry Christmas anyway :)
You must be talking about this post...I don't HATE Christmas...there are just things I hate about it. I'm no Grinch though...I still partake a little for the benefit of friends and family who do...like how if you're in a foreign country, you might go to some weird local festival, not because you observe it, but because there's a good time to be had by doing so.

Oh, and about the vid...yeah, it was fucked up for a couple days apparently, but I fixed it just in time for it not to matter anymore lol...Merry belated Christmas to you too.

Can you PLEASE share that crazy forum girlfriend joke battle with umf? I saw it on Facebook last night and was in tears at 2am. When did that take place?
*sigh*...lol...fine...since it's the end of the year...

*as it appeared on Facebook*
Now uh...I usually don't do this but...once upon a time I went by the handle potus2028 (still a future plan) on a site that I'm not allowed to talk about. That's where this, possibly the funniest burn session I or anybody else has been a part of on or offline, took place. Peep if you need a late-night laugh or 9...oh, and this message will self-destruct in 24 hours...quickstrike, bitches!

http://niketalk.yuku.com/topic/127242/t/NT-HELP-I-m-gaining-weight-faster-than-AJ-s-future-wife.html?page=10

(I'm breaking the link after 24 hours...lol...) Oh, and that was like 2 years ago...good times...

How different are you in real life?
Approximately 0%...people who read this and know me know that reading umf is an almost indistiguishable approximation of actually knowing me. I literally am umf...that's why it's called that lol...

omg I just saw your "Cribs" post do you have enough fuckin Cowboys shit?!
Nope...that's why people I know were kind enough to buy me even more of it lol

what's your name on facebook? you write about it all the time, I know you got it...I. thinl you would make a entertaning fb friend :)
Same as in real life...AJ Moses...and yeah, if you think this stuff is entertaining, being my Facebook friend is more of the same...like I said, this is me :)

(why do you use so many of these?)
Because I'm a technically unsound and unorganized writer who mostly writes posts on the fly as it comes into his head and sometimes all my thought don't fit in a sentence (try reading a post without the little asides...I do it sometimes, it's like a different post). Idk...it's just kinda my thing.

I'm a big fan of your blog and my friends I share with like it too...they think you're freaking hysterical. Why don't you make a Facebook fan page for it? I think you could have way more readers than you do. Love your stuff, keep it up! *muah*

You know what, I actually considered it...I just can't get past the "president of my own fan club" thing yet. As I always say, it's fine to be your own fan, but self-groupies tend to fuck themselves. I will, however, go for it if my readers think its a good idea and I don't have to spam my friendslist with it...hate that. Anyway, you guys let me know if you think it's the move to make. (...or...better idea...how 'bout one of y'all do it for me? :p ) Anyway, thanks for the love from you and your friends!

Aight, that's about it! Thank you so much for all your questions this year...I want y'all to know just how much your input makes a difference around here. (How do you do a reader question day without readers?) Let's do it all again in twentyleven! From all of us here at umf (me...lol...) thanks for some very entertaining Wednesdays in twentyten! If you want to put in on this shit for next we--year, I guess, hit the blue question box >over there> or just hit the link below, which will drag you to hel...p get your random questions answered next Wednesday:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Drag Me to Work: A post-holiday horror story...

It was a dark and stormy Saturday night. I lay on the couch having recently watched the Cowboys lose yet again (it barely hurts any more... I feel kind of like a battered wife...it's way more of a shock now not to be smacked now. I should have known when people bought me all this fun Cowboys-related shit that I couldn't enjoy it that night...thanks anyway, everybody...) but after hearing of a possible city-crippling snowstorm, I had my entire blizzard checklist at hand for maybe the first time. As a result, the long weekend had seen me go through the better part of a 30-rack of beers, a bit less than half an ounce and a bottle of vodka...life wasn't so bad...shit, I was actually having a great weekend.

As I sat in the Blue Star Lounge fulfilling my promise to spend the entire weekend on Facebook and enjoying my rather healthy buzz, I had a chilling premonition: after tomorrow, I was in mortal danger (well, my free time, anyway)...I would have to go to work! 8 hours of eternal damnation, endless torment and tedious file work awaited the poor soul who was dragged to work by supernatural forces (like bills, taxes and the cost of living). I tried to push the thought aside as an unfortunate result of an overactive imagination...surely I was just being paranoid. This wonderful weekend would last forever...I was having a great time...oh, that Belvy is really kicking in on me...wow, I'm kinda fuc--zzzzzzz...

In my couch locked slumber, an apparition came to me. It had soulless black eyes, a combover that's about as convincing as replacing a broken window with used Saran Wrap and a cheap hooded suit with inexplicable suede patches on the elbows. (It also wore snowboarder-style blue shades for some reason...as a matter of fact, it looked a lot like my boss who I call Mr. Reddock around here. Probably a coincidence.) It held a time-sheet in one hand and a flaming goblet of virgin tears spiked with whiskey in the other. It floated over to me, leaving a trail of ethereal corrosion in his wake.

It opened its mouth and spoke in a raspy yet nasally voice as maggots and the smell of dead flesh emanated from his whispering maw: "AJ...your time has come. Your vacation time is up. You...will be dragged to work!" I saw my own body from a 3rd person perspective as the demon's rotting hands extended forth to place me in it's deathly clutches and begin to pull me into a horrible fate...my job. "No...NO!" I screamed. "I won't go! I'm celebrating Kwanzaa, I get off until the 3rd!" The spirit stopped and smiled a smile that was pure evil plus 3%. It lifted my body until I was inches from its suddenly huge, disembodied head. I could see the essence of hell itself in its eyes and the hair in its nose. It regarded me in the amused manner of a cat smacking a mouse around on the kitchen floor. I knew then that my ruse had failed and my fate was sealed.

Flesh fell off the face in chunks until there was nothing but a really annoying, overbearing skull with no sense of how disliked it is around the office...um...lake of fire. It then spoke again in a cold, measured tone. "You fool...that holiday is not even recognized by any...body. Besides, I read your holiday posts...I know you don't. The time of your leisure's demise is now. Your time is mine. You will be dragged to work." It then locked its icy fingers around my unwilling form and began to pull me into its mouth. Inside the mouth, I could see my desk, cubicle and a bunch of TPS reports...I was doomed. "NO! Let me go! I have to go to a wedding! My water pipe burst! My mommy died and was resurrected and I have to go make sure it's not a hoax...NOOOOOO!"

I awoke screaming in a cold sweat..."I don't wanna! I don't wanna! Get the fuck off of me! Rape! Let me stay--oh." I realized that I was safe on my couch and my weekend had not ended. I was a bit freaked out, but I couldn't shake the strange feeling that the dream was somehow connected to reality. Right then, a commercial came on my TV. "Are you confused about the future? Anxious about what times ahead hold? Are you watching this commercial at an impossibly convenient time? Call now for your free psychic guidance reading!" I called the number on the screen (mostly because the plot of this story can't really advance if I don't...I probably would never in real life...lol...).

The phone rang a couple times before a gypsy woman answered the phone in a thick fake accent. "This is Madame Claire Voyante, who do I have the pleasure of speaking with this evening?" I thought a second..."Wait, if I have to tell you that, what the fuck kind of psychic are you?" She considered this and replied. "Good point, AJ...now what can I help you with?" I wondered how she knew my name, then decided it wasn't that important to the story and said fuckit. "Well, you see, Madame Voyante, I had a dream about--" I was cut off as Madame Voyante let out an overly dramatic gasp. "You...you have a blackness about you!" I wondered whether she was being racist, then wondered out loud. She explained: "You are marked for death...in 30-60 years. On that part, you'll be fine. You do have to go to work tomorrow though...nothing I can do about that. You are cursed. Be careful on the way in, commute's gonna be a mess. Farewell to you and best of luck." She hung up with a force not heard since the days of the corded phone with a reciever.

I sat, turned on my Roku to kill a little time and pondered my fate. Would I really be dragged to work? Was it really a wrap for my free time? Would this long weekend really actually end? Nah...that's crazy...it'll snow a good foot and we'll be off...let's see what's in my Netflix recommended queue..."The Office?" "Office Space?" "Dirty Jobs?!" Ugh! What the fuck?! Is this a sign? No...no...quit being a 'tard, AJ...it's just another coincidence. I shook it off yet again and continued with my weekend. More time passed, more party favors were used, more winter booing took place, and eventually it was Sunday night. The potential workday loomed large, but I put it out of mind...surely the coming snowstorm would save me.

My faith was rewarded. The storm saw to it that Monday morning came and went without me having to leave the Treehouse, and Monday afternoon came with it. By the time Monday night came, I had let my guard down and put the possibility of work out of mind...I could just cruise through to the new year and return to the office a refreshed man in January. I woke up today with an expectation of another day of Cheaters, chiefing, and cheap alcohol. I rose and stretched, serenity, peace and a feeling that all was well permeated my entire being...until a huge, bony hand came crashing through my wall and was seized me around the torso! It was the apparition from my dream! It was all real!

The leprous, almost fleshless hand gripped my body tightly as it began to draw me, kicking, screaming and leaving nail marks in the floor, to the place it had extended from...my place of employ in Center City Philadelphia. "No! Please! Have mercy! One more day!" came my feeble pleas for leniency. The apparition was unmoved. "Oh, quit bitching...you'll be off again Thursday..." it breathed as it resisted my every attempt at escape. The evil spirit showered me, brushed my teeth, put office-suitable clothes on me, and ripped me from my home, never to return. (Okay...seemingly never...I'd be back by like 5) Before I knew it, I was seated at my desk. The inevitable had taken place. I had been...dragged to work.

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Ah, fuck it why not...Merry Christmas umf!

*fittedwearer's note: I know i'm not exactly one of Santa's helpers myself, but hell...everybody I know is in the spirit and I know many umf'ers are too...so, you know...yeah...

Love,
AJ

Formsprung

Hey umf'ers! Folk who have been around here a while know it's Wednesday and what that means, but my new commercial seems to have brought a few curious parties over from YouTube...picked a good day to come, because this shit right here? This right here? This "Formsprung", mafucka! Let's see what y'all are curious about this week...

Wanna trade houses? Justus and I are gonna be friends with bennies, but we live too far apart. I'll swap with you so I can get my socks knocked and you can move in with my ma - she's a FINE cook. So the question is...when do we swap?
Um...the last thing I need is that crazy dude up in the Treehouse skeeting all over my couch or something. I'm sure your mommy is a cook of the highest caliber...but I'll have to pass on that. Good luck with your dickseeking!

if I actually do this do it urself AJ post thing will u post it?
hahaha...you know what, I damn sure will!

What can my umf post be about?
Anything you want...seriously, just go for it! If I don't know what I'm going to post before I start typing it, you shouldn't either...adds to the surprise factor, you get to find out what your post of the day is with everybody else lol...

omg I just read that purple post...are you sure you didn't make that up? that broad was crazy!
I wish I did...everything tagged "adventures and misadventures" is from my real actual life...for better or much, much worse...

Does you winter boo have to be a girl? ;)
Absoilutely, positively, with no margin for negotiation...didn't you ever see "Dumb and Dumber"? If you lick a pole in the winter you could get your tongue stuck...besides, fuck I look like all snowed in and cuddled up with some hairy ass dude? I do require a lack of Y chromosomes...sorry...

YOU NEVER WONDERED HOW TO SOUND COOL ON FB?
I HEARD ALLCAPS HELP!!! Na, seriously...I sound like myself on Facebook (which actually makes me one of the most original people I know, since nobody else likes doing that) and whether anybody thinks I "sound cool" or not is up to them...

You really don't have cable?
Nope...fuck it, don't need it...I got a Roku...

When can I come watch your Netflicks?
When you come through with 1 or more of the following: food, weed, a compelling coversation, alcohol, a heterosexual favor...no exceptions!

see? I rooted for your team Sunday, they won and we got a great post Monday. Or maybe many great posts since you gave us a turn.
Yup...I do appreciate it...however I would advice you to be careful with the rooting by proxy, you may end up a permanent Cowboys fan...not something to be entered into lightly. (If you do wanna convert, I can show you the way tho!)

when is my underyoufitted post due?
Um...whenever you can get it to me, I guess...

will there be a xmas post?
Hmm...na...I already covered every topic last year (keyword: Christmas) so there's not a whole lot to say other than those posts...go back and check 'em out if you want...it's a holiday, what do you expect but re-runs lol...

Could you please tell me that's not a Cowboys helmet FatHead on your wall in the vid?
Sure can..."That's not a Cowboys Fathead on my living room wall in the umf commericial..." Don't make it so tho...it definitely is. You must be new...yes, I am a Cowboys fan (in case you don't see the inordinate amount of blue and stars in...everything I do). If that's a huge problem for you, I don't know what to tell you besides blow me...lol...thanks for visiting umf!

Well looks like my commercial is working so far, and as a result, so is "Formsprung". Thanks to everybody who asked a question this week...if you want to throw something at me for next week, hit the (Cowboys) blue question box >over there> or since you clearly like clicking links:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Oh, looka that...a umf commercial!

fittedwearer's note: yes, I do everything with this phone...lol...

Told yall it was coming...eventually...check it out, tell your friends, blah blah blah... (See, I dont have a bitch voice hahaha!)

Appstrology

You know, if you're one of the tech-savvy, twentyten-compatible folk who own a smartphone, you know that your lifestyle device says a whole lot about you. We discussed the concept that the ringtones you choose tend to make personality observations that ring true obvious to third party listeners, (for example, just by hearing my various notification alerts, you would know that I like NFL football and still have faint fantasies of being a Power Ranger by the time I got a phone call and received a text) but this goes deeper than the auditorially superficial...this is the science of deducing things about a person by a new method I'm calling appstrology.

Appstrology is pretty simple. In case you don't have one (tsk to the third power), most smartphones have programs called apps which perform specific functions and expand the utility of the device. (My set, Team Droid, has a vast library of free apps, but some like the evil iPhone require you pay by the app...suckers...) These apps do anything from play MP3s to keep track of one's bank statements to find the nearest sports bar showing your game in under 30 seconds...even turn your electric sidekick into a sex toy if you're into phone sex. (Seriously...there's an app for that, "Vibrator"...just make sure if you really use it you don't...uh...pocket dial...)

Truly, these apps tailor the device to the exact needs and wants of it's owner...and is thus a very good resource to find out about someone. Access to someone's apps can tell you more about a person in 5 minutes than he could tell you in 5 weeks...I estimate it's more accurate than any other personality test, because one fills it out for their own purposes and theirs alone, ensuring the most authentic results possible. Let's take me for example...what could you find out about me using pure appstrology? What if...somebody found my phone?

Well, for starters if somebody found my phone and didn't know the password, the post about it might end right here. However, it's no fun if it ends there...let's pretend the finder discovers my phone unlocked and ready for spelunking. The first thing they'll see is that I'm a Dallas Cowboys fan...my background makes that obvious. (Hopefully Finder ain't an Eagles fan, or my poor G1 will end up as chunks of plastic in a sewer without me there to send him after it, also in chunks.) Next, he'd probably go for the contacts...since everyone has a nickname, he wouldn't get much out of that. (Neither will anybody else who gets ahold of my my phone...or maybe yours...*wink wink, nudge nudge*)

Then they'll open the home screen and see the most used apps. He'll see Chomp, a fancy text app with a quintillion customization options, this will tell him I send enough texts to even care what they look like (a lot). He'll see Gmail, Browser, YouTube, and Facebook apps letting him know that I'm pretty active online and do a lot of my internetting on the move. (At one point, just having the Facebook app would have told him I was college-age, but now that could be anybody from 9-90...) The battery life display that looks like a beer glass, bar finder, and blood alcohol content calculator would say I'm probably a pretty heavy drinker. (If he was really good, he would look at my texts and notice how my spelling gets worse as most nights go on and confirm this.)

After seeing my Silent Camera app (no shutter noise...yay!) attention to detail and a small leap of faith would tell him that I sometimes take pictures that I don't exactly ask permission for (you guys know that as "Camera Phone Ninja"). He would probably then go into my Picture Gallery app hoping to see nekkid chicks...he wouldn't, unless he knew how to use the other app that I'm not gonna type the name of for obvious reasons that lets me hide certain pictures, keeping all those dirty little secrets secret. (So feel free to send me those freaky pics with the knowledge that your freakcret is safe with me :p)

Maybe then he would open my notes app, Catch and see all my umf seeds. (All these posts start as a short observation or idea...this one started as "if somebody found phone".) It would probably be the part that would be very telling if someone knew what they were looking for, but luckily indecipherable to strangers...hell, some folk I know can't decipher me in full sentences. After he got sick of looking at short nonsense phrases, he might go back to the Home Screen and check out other random apps. SportsTap score feed would remind him I'm a sports junkie, Police Scanner would let him know I either am a cop or trying to avoid them, RoMote would tell him I have a Roku and the ability to control it with my phone, and if he were to open the AndroBlogger app, he would know I run a site called (undermyfitted...) and maybe become a new reader. (Yeah, right...)

The Fildo app right near it, if opened, would show that I enjoy free music...uh, ringtones...and can download them right to my phone. If he were to look through my music, he would see everything from Jay-Z and T.I. to the Hives and Green Day. After a few songs, he'd see that the music player kills the battery and should be used sparingly. (Seriously, can we get that shit fixed?) Calculator would tell him I hate math and need one at hand at all times, Coin Flip would show my indecisive side, Lightsaber may tell him that I'm a big kid, and Movies would let him see my Netflix queue (itself almost as individual as a fingerprint).

Just as the WeatherBug app was both letting him know I lived in West Philly somewhere and cared about the weather, he would then accidentally discover another app, Mobile Defense. It's like LoJack for smartphones...it uses owner controlled GPS activated from a desktop computer to determine the location of a lost phone and give directions to it, which is why he only discovered this app when I walked up to him, thanked him for finding my mobile lifestation and asked for it back. He would...but not before he knew me better than some of my friends...and all because he looked through my phone. Ah, the power of appstrology.

(underyourfitted...)

Hey y'all...well, it's the holiday season for sure now...my Roku wished me happy holidays and automatically downloaded a Christmas theme without even asking me what I was celebrating (lucky I just take any holiday well-wish as a positive thing...if I was like some assholes, I would have tried to sue the company for attempting to opress and marginalize my beliefs through WiFi or something...) and I just emptied the rest of my bank account buying gifts for those close to me who want inexpensive tokens of my affections for them. (I'd do better if I could but...I don't get paid again til New Years...enjoy your $25 iTunes gift card, sis!)

As a result, I wasn't left with too much to get gifts for my e-friends, you guys. I feel kinda bad...after all, I do really care about y'all...we spend more time together than many people I see every day, and I feel like y'all are part of my life enough for me to let y'all know I fucks with you guys during this non-denominatially specific portion of December. As a token of my appreciation, I'm gonna do something I've never don't before...I'm gonna let you write your own umf post! Great, right? In case you need some help getting started, here's a little template...enjoy! (And don't fuck this up...it would devastate me to lose you as a reader because you didn't think something you wrote was funny.) Put on my thinking cap and give it a shot:

"*Best Pun Having to Do with Subject of Post*"
What's up, umf'ers? I've got something on my mind, and I feel the urge to share it with you. (*impossibly convoluted aside having only a thin link to the topic of the post, introducing some concept that will not be too important once this set of parentheses ends with possible hyperlink to old post on subject*) You know, it's absolutely *crazy/great/fucked up* how *relatively minor observation that's probably been covered before by somebody else, but that you're gonna take a swing at remixing to squeeze some smirks out of*. I've been *seeing/thinking about/hating/loving* this for a while, and I gotta say, it's one of the *hyperbole* things I've ever encountered in my entire fuckin' life. (No, cussing is not optional...it's a umf post.) Could it get any more obvious?

I mean, really it's like *slightly clever idiom*. *Subject of post* is as much like *comparative variable* as *off-color/nonsensical/absurdist simile*. I just can't see why anyone would *opposite viewpoint on subject*. On some real shit, the only people I can see disagreeing with me here are *unflattering group #1*, *unflattering group #2* and Eagles fans. (*Random pro-Cowboys propaganda having almost nothing to do with previous sentence, but desperately beaten into context to fill quota of at least one probably 'Boys related football reference per week.*) In other words, it's *repeat basic thesis in form of different joke*. Without a doubt, to me it's just *indispensable/dispensable/immediately dispensable/despicable*. (*additional distantly related aside, hyperlink to previous post discussing yet another semi-sequitur*.)

Let's be real...not even *joke or possibly dated pop culture reference, owing to fact that I don't have a TMZ app* could (*pull this off/go without this/tell me I'm wrong on subject/comprehend this*. (It's kind of like *activity on Facebook*, except *major difference trivialized for comic effect*...*play on words*.) I know I'm no expert, but *attempted expert analysis* and that's just common sense. *How/Why/When/Where* the fuck *does/doesn't/might* that work? I'm probably gonna take some heat for this, but *the alternative* is the type of shit only a *made-up word*, *forced juxtamalgamation of 2 or 3 profanities* could even fathom having the unmitigated gall to believe.

The way I see it, it's just not that serious/just that serious. Bottom line, it's *presentation of own opinion as fact*. (*chaser joke to make possibly controversial, probably ridiculous contention easier to swallow for those who may not be so quick to agree*) Honestly, whoever has a problem with it can *anatomic malediction* while I *enjoy the benefits/lament the evils/ponder the nature of* of *subject of post*. (*facetious yet highly vulgar demonization of those of different perspective, fakeout apology*) Keep it 100...*rhetorical question*? *Scramble around frantically trying figure how to end on high note, attempt parting joke as closer*...just sayin'.

*publish post*

That was fun, wasn't it? Now gimme my hat back...lol...

umf unpaid (for now) endorsements- the Roku

*fittedwearer's note: This is the thing I was having delivered to my mommy's house last week during that train post, since you were curious, anonymous asker...you might want to have one delivered to your mommy's house as well.

It's no secret...the current economic downturn has drastically affected our descretionary spending patterns...in short, times is hard. Of course, there are those basic essentials like food, water, and shelter that will come out of one's pocket no matter what...but about 3 inches under that lie the comfort essentials. Comfort essentials are goods and services that while not actually life-threatening not to have, make our existence a bit more tolerable for us. (I'm sure you can guess a few of mine...if you can't, read a few more of my posts. If you can...you're still invited to read a few of my posts. Please? I'll be your friend...)

One of the most common comfort essentials is cable TV. Admittedly, it's awesome...but more and more expensive every day. They all like to argue back and forth through commercials how expensive the others are...but they all cost too damn much. Price gouging bastards like Comcast are charging as much as $200 a month for cable TV service with premium channels...but if you want to watch anything besides the news, Sesame Street, 14 church channels, soaps and a loud, flamboyant game shows ¡EN ESPAÑOL!, you don't have much choice but to make it rain on your cable provider. (Why the fuck is cable so expensive anyway? It's just a signal that floats through the air...you're lucky I don't talk to that one guy who stands on the train selling incense, body oils, bean pies, umbrellas and notary services and buy a black box to steal the shit, and you have the nerve to tax me hundreds of dollars for my honesty? Come on, man...) It's borderline extortion.

Everybody knows your average cable bill is an exorbitant price to pay for an almost pure profit service...but nobody questions why that is because they'll miss the next episode of "Boardwalk Empire". So...a TV watcher's choices are either half a mortgage payment sent off to Verizon or watching the salt and pepper screensaver, right? Wrong. I have broken free of the tyrannical hold of local monopoly Comcast and emerged with my viewing options intact. What wonderful device makes such a feat possible? umf'ers, I introduce to you the Roku.

Yes, it has a stupid name and I'm gonna personally refer to it as something else as soon as I'm finished writing this and come up with an adequately descriptive nickname, but this thing is, put succinctly, the shit. It connects to your TV and to your internet connection either through a ethernet cord or wirelessly, and does something magical...streams Netflix (DVD movies and series, in case you don't live in twentyten), Hulu (current seasons of popular TV shows), YouTube (that one website with all the movie previews, backyard injury experiments and salvia trip videos), and some deep catalogue of news, sports and international programs that I haven't gotten through enough shoot 'em up movies and episodes of SpongeBob to fully check out yet, all with a clear, smooth picture. What's on TV tonight? Pretty much whatever the fuck you want.

The downsides to it are the somewhat limited Netflix streaming selection ("somewhat" because while everything on Netflix might not be available to stream instantly, I'd say if you wanted to watch 5 things, 3 of them would be on there and 1.5 of them would be over on Hulu. You'll be aight.), the occasional rebuffering pause (which may just be due to my location...my modem never gets full reception. I think the crackheads are stealing my bandwidth), a rewind feature that's sort of awkward (it has to reload when you go back...it's probably because I have the $60 base model...or maybe because I'm black. Seriously, the $80 and $100 upgrades have that feature smoothed out a bit) and an inexplicable purple tag on both the unit and the remote that I think, like those mattress tags, cannot be removed under penalty of law. Still, the pros far outweigh the cons here...the Roku is worth it at double the price.

I don't want to say I love this thing, but only because I feel that's too forward and may make our relationship awkward. I don't want to push it away...I think we have something special. Trust me, at 60 bucks for the basic model and around 10 bucks a month for subscriptions to Hulu and Netflix, it's maximum entertainment for a minimum price. If you're a big TV watcher, it'll pay for itself in a month with what you would spend on cable. No longer will I have to choose between unlimited TV and my extracurricular activities...I can enjoy plenty of both at the same time. (It's better that way...now "Drunk with the Clicker" can come back...lol...) Brothers and sisters, we will cut the cable cords that constrict us...entertainment freedom is at hand! Getcha one at the Roku site...makes a great gift to anybody for any reason, or hell...yourself for no reason! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna finish pretending to work, go home, and spend the entire cold, snowy weekend higher than a giraffe's fedora in front of my TV for way less than most folk...it's the fiscally responsible thing to do. Happy weekend umf!

"Search Me..." II

Well, you asked for it and here it is...another round of "Search Me...", the newest post series (apparently...it was really meant as a one-time deal, but some of y'all seem to like it and I think it's funny so...whatever, I guess...) that lets all of us know just what exit on the internet superhighway somefuckinghow led to this neck of the net. As before, I'll include the Information Quotient, my term for the probability that they came away from their umf visit with the information they wanted on a scale from 1-100. It ain't complicated...here, check it out:

penis-massagen.blogspot.com- (presented without comment)
IQ: 0- I guarantee you can search through old umf posts for as long as you can stand the strain my background puts on some folks' eyes and you will find that phrase nowhere on this site. I'm not even sure what that is. What I do know is that you won't find out on umf.

hood rats sex- doubtless led to the hoodrat field guide. You would really be surprised how curious people are about hoodrats. Searches involving hoodrats lead to umf every day. Why are people so fascinated by them? No clue...but I'm glad my little handbook could help people unravel the great mystery of the hoodrat.
IQ: 101- I'm proud to say that umf is a world leader in hoodrat education initiatives.

what does the phrase "put my pussy on your sideburns" mean- Yet another thing I can blame on Nicki Minaj...
IQ: 2 - Hell, I don't even know. I just know if a bitch tries it, she will suffer.

whats the difference between a chicken head and a hood rat- Again, my hoodrat field guide is responsible for this one. Are you surprised yet?
IQ: 96- There is no difference...I'm glad they found that out here.

Show me on the doll TSA agent (and 3 variants)- Likely triggered by that post on the touchy security agency in question.
IQ: 77- I don't expressly recall using that phrase in the post, but it sounds like something I would type...

who invented shoedini- I want to know too, so I can kick his ass. It's an invention nobody fuckin asked for.
IQ: 52- highly depends on whether they're pro or anti-Shoedini. (If they're pro, they probably are housebound-type obese, so their opinion doesn't matter anyway. Either that or they were alive when a Facebook was an album of black and white photographs.)

color of war (5x)- Ah, yes...the Purple post. It recently got some way belated attention for some reason (thanks again y'all!), but I'm just happy folk are finally reading it. Hell...it took me like 2 hours to type that shit, and that's besides the fact that it probably would have been my last umf post had the war went differently.
IQ: 16- I'd like to think people were searching for my little misadventure story, but the safe money's on them looking for the History Channel show by the same name.

how to sound cool on facebook (3x)- Again, who Googles this shit? Fuckin' losers, I tell you...
IQ: 0- If you have to ask how to sound cool on or offline, you can't do it. Period.

ninja hoodrat- Yes, really. Be surprised, dammit!
IQ: 12- I am a camera phone ninja and know plenty about hoodrats...but my experience with ninja hoodrats is limited at best.

michael irvin photo- Definitely caused by that black history month thing I did a while back called "Baaaaad Mafuckas". Damn right the Playmaker made the cut.
IQ: 97- there was definitely a photo of Michael Irvin attached to it...what more could you ask for? Well...besides a umf post about it.

facebook pervs change picture (and 7 variants)- Remember that post about that Facebook game with the cartoon pictures? That's clearly the culprit here.
IQ- 94: Told them everything they needed to know...and maybe discouraged another, similar game.

how do I start a new facebook game (and a variant)- Wait, scratch that.
IQ: 40- The post it led them to didn't help one bit (and might have even made them feel a little stupid), but another one was exactly what they needed. Maybe they'll come back for it.

winter boo (19x)- I didn't know this was such an understudied phenomenon...in not even a week since I wrote the Winter Boo guide, it completely exploded (by my standards...lol...) on Google. It's not even winter yet...my page counter is vibrating with anticipation.
IQ: 89- I did my best to shed some light...good enough, I guess.

and that brings up the last one:

undermyfitted (3x)- Fuckin' sweet...I'm now being Googled by people I don't know. That means some of my readers have been spreading the word. Thanks for that...I feel like a minor internet celebrity. When I get a Facebook fan page or a Wikipedia entry, I'll really feel like I made it. Shoutout to anybody who came here that way!
IQ: 107- What the fuck else were they looking for? I really felt special. It was like a search term of endearment...Google me, baby!

Well, hopefully y'all enjoyed this peek at what brings folk here. I'll do it again when more funny ones pop up, but until then remember: people can see the shit you search for...lol...

Formsprung

Hey guys...here's "Formsprung"...

Um...hello? You still out there?
Yup, here I am, in the Flash (if you can see my ^umf thinking cap banner^...if you can't see it, please upgrade to version 10.831, thanks)

did any of ur fb games catch on in ur network? I started with "friend for a day" and a couple of my besties loved it!
hahaha really? That's awesome! Funny thing is many of my Facebook friends really didn't like that post. I'm betting it's because it hit too close to home...ah well, ain't the first time.

Dear Intelexual Chocolate, I have a problem! I read your hoodrat guide and your winterboo guide, and I think my ideal winterboo might be a hoodrat. What's your take on this? Am I making a mistake here?
Yes. Hellfuckin yes. Not a mistake, but a potential cataclysmic error. Obviously you didn't read the hoodrat guide too carefully...go back, read it again, then if you still can't decide, ask me again next week.

What if I live at home and still want a winter boo?
If your parents allow you to have girls in your room during the school year, then go for it...

Does attractiveness factor into whether you give up a bus seat?
Nope...pretty girls get too much just for being pretty already. If she wants to sit on my lap and share the seat, I'll be nice and let her (I'm a great guy, ain't I?) but no, you don't get my seat just for being sexy...besides, standing will help tone those glutes and make her even sexier, she should thank me!

Would you give up your seat to a chick on her period?
How would I know if she was? Only way I can tell that is if she's standing in a pool of blood, and at that point I'm betting a seat on the train is the least of her worries.

So just what did you have sent to ya mom crib in that one story with the train seat?
Some shit I don't know how folk live without, actually...tell ya Friday...

*bent the rules on this one, it was actually asked on Facebook, but I talked to the executive producer and I say it's cool...*
so how about Tashard Choice getting Vick's autograph?

Aight, for the 3 people who didn't see this, after the Cowboys lost on Sunday, the scene was:

That was mortifying. An appalling display. I swear on everything I love I almost threw the fuck up. In fact, I wish this would have happened (fast forward to 1:07 if you're impatient):

In his defense, Choice had this to tweet:

"Listen y'all I know vick. That glove was for my nephew who is 3. Not for me"

Aight Tashard...that's fine, you're a great uncle (even though I truly doubt your toddler nephew asked for Mike Vick's autograph) but fuck that. You know better. Not in the uni, man. I'm not gonna sit here and pretend that these people hate each other like I hate Eagles fans, they're probably good friends and that's great...so ask him at the next party. Send him an email. Hell, ask him on Twitter to mail you one...but you don't hound for sigs in the uni. You don't. That's just weak...and a bad Choice.

Do you know I secretly root for the cowboys every sunday just because I know if they lose, UMF suffers for a few days? where you at, sexy?
Aww...that's too sweet. Seriously, I want to hug you...I think I may love you. (Assuming you're a girl...lol...if not, read the text before this parenth-aside as "Cool, that's what's up man. Seriously, gimme a forearm bash. You're not my type though.") Am I really that transparent?

It's true, when that happens my will to post (and do most other things not involving intoxication) is somewhat diminished, but I didn't realize it had become a clear pattern. I even went back and checked my posting habits against the twentyten schedule (and cried...oh, what a year...smh...) Sure enough, if I end up pissed on Sunday it lasts until maybe Tuesday. I guess umf mirrors me more than I thought...huh...anyway, thanks for caring, I guess! Go Cowboys! (yes, still...*sigh*)

Aight y'all...same thing next week. Hit the >question box> or click the link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

I'm gonna go be alone for a while now...

Playing Along (suggestions for new Facebook games!)

Well if you're even a casual user of everyone's favorite non-avian social networking utility, you will have noticed that lately there have been a lot of games on Facebook. Whether it's the Q and A thing, the cartoon picture change one that saw the site become accidental camouflage for kid-hungry perverts, or that new one that has crippled half my friends into a strange case of number Tourette's, causing an effect similar to what I imagine would be the aftermath of my news feed having a fight to the death with a math book, there's a veritable Facebook Special Olympics going on right now. (*Insert your own Special Olympics joke here*...I've bought enough tickets to hell for the week. Just make sure it's funny...if you can't come up with anything stop reading until you do.)

I admit I've been pretty vocal against the whole movement, but I've had a change of heart. You see, apparently this new trend is here to stay. Despite my best efforts at ether, it's still going strong. (Seriously, you don't know how hard it is to come up with new, original ways to make people feel stupid. It would be easier to just type "you're a fuckin dumbass because you _________" but then I wouldn't get to use all these words. I like words...and dislike some too.)

I know I could delete my Facebook account if it got on my nerves that much...but then I would have less to write about. (Shoutout to the people on my friendslist solely for post research purposes! You are to me what a 15 car highway pile-up is to an insurance salesman...tragic, yet so necessary for me to do what I do. Thank you.) So I've decided...if you can't beat 'em, join em. I'm now in favor of Facebook status and profile games of all kinds...in fact, I have a few suggestions for new games that should keep this incredible concept rolling right through the new year! Below are some descriptions...hope ya like!

"Tough Customer"- This should be a real hit. The ob ject of this game is to figure out when somebody says something on Facebook that they wouldn't even think to themselves in a whisper in real life. This includes discussions of lifestyle activities that one knows nothing about, challenges, threats, invitations to take a dispute "to the inbox" (Yes, people do that now...apparently people get so mad at each other that they feel the need to TYPE AT EACH OTHER IN ALLCAPS PRIVATELY! IT SHOWS YOUR WILLINGNESS TO FIGHT ONLINE! It's the new "let's go outside and dance, buddy"...them's fightin' words!) and other methods of Facebook gangstanism. When instances of this are seen, players of the game should then make the offending post their status, tag the author, and comment "Gee, you must be a tough customer!" It's fun and should give people the validation they seek. I bet it catches on. No? Then how about...

"Call everyone by their full MySpacebook name for a week"- You know, those self-proclaimed e-pseudonyms folk like such as "Thomas MrAwesomeIsAwesome Pirelli" or "Regina wetdreamz Robinson"? This game involves actually calling them that and only that, in it's entirety, for a solid week. On and off Facebook. "Hey Tina buttbutt Smith, wanna grab lunch?", "Yo Malcolm GucciFloww Anderson, you see the game last night?", "Hey, it's Briana Wondertwat Stevens! I haven't seen you in forever!" Maybe after that they'll see how stupid it looks from a 3rd party perspective and cut the shit out.

"Why won't you fuck me?"- This one's pretty simple, the titular question is posed in the inbox of the target by the interested party, the answer is revealed as a status. This is an example of just cutting out the middleman...since this is what a lot of this boils down to, let's just quit being cute about it and ask. Doesn't look any less desperate.

"24 hours as a friend"- This one is pretty straightforward too, you get a picture of one of your friends, put it as your profile picture, and post exactly as they would for a day. Be careful to pick the right friend though, you could end up putting your entire life on hold to simulate your buddy posting everything that even halfway crosses their mind for an entire 24-hour period...you might even end up hating yourself til the end of the day.

"5 things I do besides Facebook"- Just to prove people do. I'm really curious, in the last few days I've seen the same people online 7 hours a day, 24 days a week...so what else do you do with your life? A job? School? A child? A hobby? Anything? See if your friends know! Post this as your status and find out if your friends have an answer for you...if they don't, take that into consideration.

"Body Part"- This one is pretty simple too. You inbox somebody the name of a part of your body and they tell you what they would do to it. Imagine the possibilities. (Well, there's only like 3, but that didn't stop anybody on the last few games.) What? You say you still haven't seen a game you liked? Well...there's one last suggestion...

"Lose your Password"- Facebook's first single-player user generated game, and it's my idea! The setup takes about 5 minutes, but the rules are simple...before logging in, just click "forgot my password". When Facebook sends you a new password (it's always some nonsense nobody will remember like "h2UTe3Gp7") don't open the email...just mark it as spam and delete it! You win! Best part is, since you'll have a hell of a time guessing it randomly, it has infinite replay value. I really want to see folk playing this one...

Well, I hope that serves as a burying of the hatchet I bear against these wonderful little games (right into the foreheads of some people). Have fun with these great new Facebook activities...let the games begin! (and never fucking end...*sigh*)

Formsprung

Happy humpday, umf! It's my favorite day of the week that doesn't begin with "F" or "S", and that means it's high time for another round of reader questions! (The 2 are directly related.) Let's see what we got this time...

Your blog is pretty personal, one of the most personal I've ever seen. So who knows you better, your readers or your friends?
Definitely my readers...most of my friends don't ask this many questions haha... Besides, I consider y'all friends anyway...

Where's the YouTube vid you promised?
I forgot lol...don't worry, I've actually got that and a few other things up my brim for y'all...stay tuned!

If you really hate some of your facebook friends, why keep them?
Research...how would I form an ettiquette guide for Facebook (or any of my other Facebook rantmusings) if nobody got on my nerves enough to write one?

What's AJ stand for?
lol it's right in my profile...the A is for Anthony and the J is just none of your business.. :p

lol how did u make that cartoon of urself??
Oh, that's old...got it on www.faceyourmanga.com (with a little help from MS Paint...) I think it captures my essence...lol...

When can we get another episode of 'search me' that shit was crazy haHA!
lol I loved that post too...the ways people use the internet never ceases to amaze me. (Who Googles "where can I get a hood rat tattoo"?!) I think I'll do another one real soon...

do you think with the right shoes the green batman costume could be your elf costume for christmas?
Anything that can transform the heroic jumpsuit of an iconic superhero into the costume of a lackey to the world's most beloved slaveowner cannot be considered the "right" anything...so I guess the answer is no... (and by the way, its the Green mofo Lantern dammit!)

They really sell lingerie at those conrner stores?

You tell me...

Well, that was fun as always...and you got to see a small fraction of the power of the Big Corner Store...lol... That's about it for this week, but if you want to get involved (or just want some random picture), toss your query in the question bin >somewhere over there> or if my background hurts your eyes so much that you need a break (Only until tomorrow! Come back or I'll find you...):

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

The Big Train Theory (the Science of Seats)

It was after work and I was on the way to my mommy's house to pick up a package I had sent there. As I mentioned before, my home mailbox situation ain't the most trustworthy, and to compound things, the device I ordered was shipped in a box clearly labeled with what item it was...had it arrived on my doorstep, the over/under on time it would take to be swiped by some rock-puffing swiper was about 14 minutes. (Why do makers of expensive electronics do that? Fucked up thing is you can't even yell "no swiping" at these people so they'll put it down instead of selling it or throwing it slightly into the distance like the cartoon fox I'm referencing. Doesn't work that way in real life...in real life, Dora would have to shank him to get her items back. Always beware of oddly independent 6 year old girls...they'll cut you, homes! Wait, where was I going with this?) Anyway, the point is I was on the train over my mommy's...yeah, that's it.

As luck would have it, I had gotten one of the few remaining seats on the train and was sitting there quietly listening to some music. However, this was rush hour...people continued to pack onto the train, and it led to a scene many big city commuters know all too well: the vertical lapdance rolling sardine can scenario. (You know, the one where everyone standing either have somebody's butt in your crotch or crotch in your butt? It can be a good or bad experience depending on who's in front of you, but without fail it's very intimate...one time a girl tried to say I got her pregnant that way, but she relented when I threatened to pick her apart on Maury.) Thankfully I got to sit that one out...my entire lower half was resting in a seat...

But should it have been? Over the loud blasts of music piping directly into my ear, I could have sworn I heard a faint buzzing sound. I looked around and saw the source of the interference...a deathly glare from a nearby female, who I'll call Rochelle. She said nothing yet, but her look said it all...she wanted, nay, thought she had a divine birthright to, the seat my ass was currently in. (How could I tell? It's happened to me before...shoutout to Big Ole Brenda!) I looked at Rochelle's angry eyes, raised my eyebrows in a silent gesture of "oh, aight", and went back to my noise. Rochelle shook her head and chastised me to her friend: "I know that boy see me standing here on this crowded ass train...how he just gonna sit there like he don't see me? Ignorant dudes today, I tell you..." It was then that I was reminded of something my mommy told me a long time ago: "a gentleman always gives his seat up for a lady".

For a second, I felt a twinge of guilt...shouldn't I yield my seat to a lady? What would my mommy think? At this point, I examined Rochelle. Rochelle was...well, I tried to think of a nice way to say it, but Rochelle was your standard issue hoodrat. I know this for a fact, I've done the research. (For more on identifying the species, check the field guide. For more personal interactions with hoodrats, there's the post about the chick who got fired from McDonalds because of her hoodrattitude and of course, the always-popular story of Purple...yes, apparently that's her name. Really.) My disdain for the treatment of hoodrats as human beings stood at odds with my upbringing dictating that I be a gentleman sometimes...it just wasn't logical. It was time to reconcile this to myself through the scientific method.

Question: Does that bitch really need this seat?

Observations: She was not carrying any loads of any kind. She was young, able-bodied, and in reasonably good health for somebody whose diet probably consists mostly of Chinese food, potato chips and random guys from the local bar. She neither looked, talked, acted or carried herself like the theoretical lady I was supposed to give my seat up for. My mommy would even likely refer to her as "one of those fast-ass little hoochies"...nowhere in the contract are hoochies covered.

Hypothesis: That bitch does not need this seat.

Experiment: I continued to sit in the seat. As I had hypothesized, Rochelle had not died, fainted, collapsed due to leg muscle atrophy, broken a hip, dropped a baby or a bag, pass out due to exhaustion, or really do anything but increase future wrinkles on her face by continuing to fire eyeball thunderbolts at me.

Analyze Data: All data available indicates that she'll be aight.

Conclusion: Fuck her...if she had been old, young, pregnant, carrying bags/a child, handicapped or otherwise not at full standing capability I would have gladly traded my seat for a smile. Hell, even if a perfectly healthy person asked nicely, i'd give it up. As it stood, she was just an overly entiltled hoodrat with a stank ass attitude. To insist that she deserves my seat because she has ovaries goes against all data I've compiled...the results of the experiment should be applied to anybody in the same position, male or female. This requires an update of the previous theory. The experiment was a success...I had a new law on this: Seats will be given up on a need-to-sit basis regardless of gender...it's twentyten, dammit! (and no, that 15% female luxury tax we discussed doesn't cover that...)

Satisfied with my findings, I enjoyed a guilt-free ride over my mommy's. Sure, there are some who may say I'm an asshole for the way I feel now...but that's a clear appeal to emotion. To these people, I offer logic and science...and besides, fuck you...lol...

Random Thoughts 48- A Cartoon Picture = Worth 1,000 Pervs?

Over the weekend there was yet another little Facebook game (remember Q and A?) that involved changing one's picture to a cartoon they remembered from childhood. (Since everyone has Facebook now, even people's grandparents and shit, I'm betting there are folk on there so old that they had to Google "cave paintings" to find an appropriate anachronistic animation.) Normally this is just the kind of thing I would go off on a profanity-filled humor tangent on, but this one was for a good cause: to stop child abuse.

I personally did not partake, (umf'ers who are also Facebook friends can vouch for me...even had a smartass status about it that I'll probably re-use in this post...) mostly because of the fact that having a picture of SpongeBob as a profile pic is as about effective a method of stopping child abuse as trying to end world hunger by having a profile pic of a cheeseburger, but I couldn't have too much to say about it, fearing being labeled as a supporter of childhood suffering. (There are people that stupid...trust me...learn to take a joke, bitch!)

However, by today I had begun to feel like a bit of a drag...I mean, it was just a harmless little game. It was nothing to get worked up over...what the hell was my malfunction? Turns out, I'm in perfect working order, it was just about everyone else that was broken. (Buncha followers...) The news this morning showed that being a part of that solution meant being part of the problem. Apparently the whole thing was some kind of setup by a secret network of pedophiles to get children to accept them as friends. (See why nobody trusts anybody around kids now? Again...I understand.)

It makes perfect sense...in fact, it's evil genius. A kid is a lot more likely to accept Dora the Explorer as a friend than some pasty sicko with a picture they took with their webcam in a dank basement somewhere. I was surprised I didn't hatch the conspiracy theory myself over the weekend...until I remembered the words of the great Sherlock Holmes: there is nothing more elusive than an obvious fact. I mean, really it should have been evident from jump street...check out the official declaration of the game (with a little of my editorializing) and see what you can deduce.

"Change your Facebook profile picture to a cartoon from your childhood and invite your friends to do the same. (Nobody thought it was weird when their 8 year old kid all of a sudden got friend requests from He-Man, the Pink Panther and Yogi Bear? Know damn well nobody your child's age ever watched any of that...which makes the fact that they're making a Yogi Bear movie that much more puzzling...) Until Monday, there should be no human faces on Facebook. (Then why is it called 'Face'book? Oh, and how in the hell am I supposed to know who I'm looking at, especially when half the folk on there use a MySpacebook name like "Julio SeñorSwaggish Ramirez" or "MzGoodieCheekz" and they have a picture of Ren and Stimpy? Who the fuck are these people?!) Instead, there should be an invasion of memories. ("Invasion"...yeah that sounds positive and beneficial...and an "invasion of memories" at that...sounds like a mental buttrape...you can almost feel the dick fucking your mind.) This is for eliminating violence against children." ("I was gonna get drunk and beat my kids when I got home, but then I got on Facebook and saw all the cartoons...made me peaceful and nostalgic...decided to watch old Voltron episodes on YouTube instead." ...see, there it is!)

Most jokes aside, it's just kind of crazy how pedophiles have entered the digital age. In the old days they had to put a piece of candy under a box held up by a stick tied to a string, wait until a kid came and tried to get it, then yank the string. Now it's as easy as changing your picture on Facebook to some cuddly cartoon. It's like walking the streets in a Barney suit...except you're less likely to get jumped. I knew there was a reason I didn't like this game, and this situation is perfect justification for it. (Which is good. I definitely didn't have one before...well, besides my hate for fads in general.) It made me think...just what the fuck do kids have Facebook accounts for anyway? I wonder...

Stranger Danger?

You know, mostly I love living here in the future...Facebook, smartphones, being able (but declining) to sit on the front of the bus...it's all just great. However, there are certain drawbacks to living in this day and age...somewhere along the line people got so fucked up that one can no longer trust a stranger in the street, especially when it involves kids.

It may surprise you, but I really like kids (well, if you're a newish umf'er...OGs will have seen posts telling folk just that) and they seem to like me too. I think it's because when they look at me they see a huge bearded child...an adult that will probably let them have cookies in the morning. (I'll probably make a good dad once I'm finished spending money on myself and learn how to fake being a grownup, at least in front of my kids...sometimes...)

Of course, when I say I love kids, I mean it in a completely asexual, friendly way. As I said before, I don't find children attractive...just cute and fun.

However, nowadays because of how fucked up the world is you don't know whether that nice man squatted down talking to your toddler is just a regular guy being nice or somebody who will snatch your kid and spirit him off to Malaysia to make sneakers or conduct TSA patdowns for incoming sex tour perverts. This state of affairs understandably puts parents on high guard, leaving legit lovers of kids like myself in some awkward situations...like what happened the other day.

The other day on the way home, I stopped at the big corner store (it's a hybrid of a small Asian-owned shop and a supermarket...they only have them in urban areas, but you can buy anything from food to inexpensive lingerie...seriously...) looking for a snack to cure the munchies I would soon have when I got home and did my after-work decompression ceremony.

After grabbing some microwave White Castle burgers and and a bottle of Gatorade, I milled around near the snack display looking for the perfect bag of sliced potatoes to compliment my meal. While deep in thought debating the pros and cons of Honey BBQ vs. Red Hot, I was suddenly jarred by a small slap on my knee. I looked down from over 6 feet in the air and saw...

A kid (who I'll call Lil Man). A toddler really...measuring all of 2 feet tall, Lil Man was just old enough to walk...so naturally he wandered away from his mommy and around the store until he found the snack aisle. I know he was looking for the snack aisle because he followed the slap up with a tug of my jeans, a smile and a point at a bag of onion rings that he couldn't reach.

Lil Man looked at me expectantly with his cute little face as he waited for me to serve my purpose and give him his snack. I smiled and started to reach for it until I remembered that to Lil Man I was a new friend and his one hope for a bag of onion rings, but to everyone else I was a large black man about to give snacks to a child to get him to like and trust me.

All of a sudden, I got nervous...what if somebody saw me and figured me for some kind of kid snatching creep? Surely if I gave him this bag, all kinds of alarms would sound, Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC would show up and I would be forced to walk around for the rest of my life with a "Billie Jean" type effect where every slab of pavement I stepped on would glow blue like a sex offender's house on Google Maps.

All this because I like kids?

What do I do?!

(Of course, Lil Man didn't give one damn about my internal dialogue, he just wanted his onion rings and began to babble impatiently while gesturing urgently at the onion rings...ah, the simple life.)

Just as I wondered how much legal hot water I was placing myself in by even continuing to stand near Lil Man, his mommy materialized half an aisle away and quickly walked over. "There you are!" she sighed. "Didn't Mommy tell you to stay with Mommy?" She got closer and looked at what Lil Man wanted. "Oh, you can't have those...no, you can't! We're about to eat dinner, remember?" Lil Man just laughed. (I think he could sense that the experience would lead to some kind of online recap...since half of toddlers have social networking accounts, they have an innate sense of what's postable and what's not.) "See, that's why I didn't give them to him..." I laughed. She smirked at me..."He doesn't even like onion rings..." We both laughed.

That particular story turned out fine, but It's just such a shame that the way of the world is such that people like me have to get nervous in that kind of spot. In a perfect world, I would have been much more open to the situation. I might have tried to talk to Lil Man. (He would have gotten English though...don't believe in baby talk, they only talk that way because they can't speak correctly...they may even be offended by it, it's kind of like imitating the bad accent of a foreigner.)

I may have patted him on the head and explained that he had to wait for his mommy to come around before snacktime. I may have even picked him up and spun him in a circle just to see him stagger around giggling for a few seconds. Unfortunately, in the world of today, none of that could happen because of all the sick, twisted fucks who prey on kids instead of play with them. It's kind of a shame...a damn shame really...but I guess that's just how it is.

I understand.