Lies they tell the Chirrens: Nice Guys Finish First

One of the most laughable lies they tell the chirrens is that nice guys finish first. Of course, that sounds nice...everybody knows why people say it...it encourages children to be good people under the illusion that it will always benefit them in the long run. Like many similar lies, it serves a purpose (to regulate the behaviors of stupid, unstable, petulant children so they don't stay that way for the rest of their lives...hey, I didn't say it works all the time...) but bears little resemblance to the real world at all. I mean, let's really look at this....when does the nice guy finish first outside of Judd Apatow movies? (Love 'em, but...c'mooooon...)

The nice guy never finishes first...you know why? Because in any race, it's easier to just go through the competition instead of around it. It's simple physics...the shortest distance between point A and point B is a straight line. Think about it...the asshole gets the readers (let's be honest as...um...controversial as I have a reputation for being, nobody wants to read a bunch of candy-coated happytime bullshit from me...not even me...), the girl (they hate admitting it, but the nice guy is always the friend...she'll come back to him eventually, but only to cry on his shoulder after the asshole inevitably hurts her...then she'll go fuck another asshole), and all the cool lines in any movie (too many to fit in these parentheses...for me, that's saying something.).

Sure, in an ideal world, every child would be able to follow this principle for their entire lives, and we would have an entire planet full of Man and Woman Scouts just as polite and cordial as can be, turning envelopes of unmarked bills in to police, flattering each other with lies so nobody feels awkward ("Who told you you were unattractive? You just have a very nonstandard face, you're like a work of modern art!") letting each other through doors first ("You go first...no you go first...oh, please go right ahead...no, I insist...no, I implore you!"...on winter days, you could freeze to death right outside your office building waiting for the cycle to break) and giving up their seats on the train for everybody (picture an entire train car of empty seats as everyone stands around waiting for the next person to take a load off) but we don't live there, do we?

We live in this world...you know what being a nice guy all the time gets you in this world? Being a nice guy all the time gets you disrespected, ignored, overlooked, shitted on, taken for granted, bamboozled and led astray. Being a nice guy means you will be the hardest working person at your job...why do today what you can push off on the nice guy? Kiss that hot chick you've been talking to for a while goodbye (on the cheek)...you won't be tasting that this lifetime, being a nice guy gets you locked into the friendzone (and it's a Mastur-lock). If you do somehow end up with her, being a nice guy will eventually lose her interest. (everyone knows that once you're whipped, you're boring...who wants to play with a solved puzzle?).

Being a nice guy can lose you your last dollar. (Sorry, bum...if it's between me finding a dollar for you in my pocket and me having weed money, guess which one I'm choosing?) Being a nice guy 24/7 can lose you your dignity. (I've been in a few fights, and I can promise had I turned the other cheek it would have been my asscheek and it would have gotten kicked.) In short, nice guys very rarely, if ever finish first...and that's why this is just a lie they tell the chirrens. (Besides, any sexually considerate dude will tell you a real nice guy finishes last...lol...)