Inventions Nobody Fuckin' Asked For: DreamLook Eye Lift

Another month, another invention that some asshole decided to foist upon the American public for teh lulz. This one I didn't see myself actually, but was brought to my attention by a lady called AV (costar from the wine tasting story and other events in my life that happened before I started writing them down...say hi, AV!) and one YouTube search later, inspired this post. It's called the DreamLook Eye Lift, and it promises to take 5, 10, even 20 years off your life by um...shortening your eyelids (and handicapping your ability to blink, I'd imagine...is is still cute to wink with these on or does your restrained eyelid and resulting face make you look like you're having a migraine?) Yeah, I'm still trying to figure that out too.

Let's look at it. After watching the video, we see that these eye stickers are designed to make sure the top of your eyelid stays firmly adhered to the eyelash area, toning and shaping your eye area (even though it makes little visible difference, it says so on the commercial...so let's go with it) to give your old, saggy face a youthful, sexy look that everyone at the cougar bar will love. Imagine being in the club wearing DreamLook eye lifts and being approached for your sexy eyelids: "Ooh, amn, girl...your face look like a boiled baseball glove from years of hard living and your legs probably creak like the door to a haunted house when you spread 'em, but your eyes are bright and vibrant...2 square inches of your body look 25 years old, so when you gonna let me taste that ass?" That's a good look, right?

Eh, not so much. See, the problem with that is we live in the real world, where no straight man would give even half a fuck about something like that. Ladies, can you remember the last time you and some lucky guy were having some alone time, he ran his fingers through your hair and passionately caressed the back of your head to pull you in for an embrace...then recoiled in horror at your weary-looking eye area and overlong eyelids? "I want to do this...but babe, the eyes just ain't working for me. They're all squinty and tired looking...I only like girls with big googly cow eyes, it turns me on because I feel like they're staring into my soul. Have you ever considered having your eyelids trimmed or restrained in some way? You'd be much more skeetworthy." No, you can't, because that shit doesn't happen.

Really, I can't imagine what this would be good for. Is there a market for non-invasive eye resparkling surgeries? Do you think that if you put it on wrong, people won't notice that every time you blink a thin white sliver of eyeball is left exposed like a person suffering epileptic seizures? Do you really want to look like you have a lazy eye if one comes off? Does it really make THAT much of a difference if you put young eyes into an old face? (Best case scenario, you look like you have a young person trapped inside you like in "Freaky Friday", and even then it means your inner child is Lindsay Lohan. Worst case, you look like a bright-eyed elderly anime character.) Is anybody who would discount you as a partner because of your lid length even worth your time? Is is really the end of the world to age with grace? Is this even a halfway decent idea? The answer to the entire last paragraph is "no"...and that definitely makes it an invention that nobody fuckin' asked for.