Unfaithful: A Field Guide to Cheating

As I mentioned in my breakup guide, many people with seasonal romantic relationships lose interest in them around this time. The more scrupluous of these people followed procedure and cleanly broke off their old relationships before heading towards new adventures of the heart and other parts. However, there are those with more...flexible morals...who choose to seek out new paramours while still under an understood exclusivity with their romantic partner. In layman's terms, mafuckas be cheating. It sucks, but it happens.

Now, before you read any of what I have to say, understand that I do not endorse unfaithfulness or deception of one's significant other. It's...not nice. Regardless, I'm well aware in the world in which I live...some poll I saw somewhere said as many as 38% of relationships contain at least one unfaithful partner. (I think that number's a little low, but then again, would you be so quick to admit that you're a two-timing peice of shit in a public poll?) Hell, there are probably a few people reading this right now with their girlfriend while their wife thinks they're at work. Well, this is for y'all...umf presents "Unfaithful: A Field Guide to Cheating".

-Keep the names straight. For the love of everything that you hold sacred (except your relationship) and any and all gods you may worship, PLEASE keep the names straight. I don't think I have to tell you why calling Girlfriend/Wife by Side Girl's name in any situation, especially during sex, is a horrible idea that can only lead to bad and fail. If you don't trust yourself to keep the names straight, pick one girl to call by her name (your main, dummy) and the rest can have a generic female summoning word like "sweetie" or "sexy". It's a proven fact that they almost never notice.

-Don't tell on yourself. This goes beyond a sobbing confession on your knees once your partner finds a pair of red lace panties she wishes she could fit into or lipstick on your collar (what the fuck was that bitch doing Frenching your shirt anyway?). "Telling on yourself" is any sudden behavioral changes for no apparent reason. A surprise gym membership may attract suspicion. A new style of dress will raise an eyebrow. A sudden distance or disinterest in sex with your partner is a one-way ticket to an interrogation. All shifts in schedule should be planned in advance and include an alibi without the word "uh". An important thing to remember about cheating is that for it to work, your partner must believe that nothing has changed. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to put up and maintain that illusion.

-Check her moves. You know how in all those heist movies, the good criminals always have advance knowledge of police shift schedules and employee procedures to make sure their path is the one of least resistance? Well, since you're breaking the laws of your relationship, see yourself in the same way. In order for your plan to be successful, you have to know what factors could spoil it. Be aware of your partner's whereabouts as often as possible to make sure you and your jumpoff are nowhere about them.

An important note is subtlety...you can't just ask them where they are all the time, that's base and suspicious. Instead, use more insidious tactics such as checking her Facebook status (many people keep a log of their exact location at all times as public record...they're a species of Facebooker called "Live Journalists", but that's a seperate field guide)/tweets or calling/texting her casually before you and the other woman meet just to see what she was up to today and say you love her. Yes, it's sneaky and backhanded...but you came this far, so fuckit.

-No home games. As a condition of taking on extracurricular romanctivities, you understand and accept that you will conduct all your clandestine dealings away from home. Not only is there the risk of prying neighborhood eyes observing and reporting some next-ass person coming and leaving at odd hours, as we went over in the Winter Boo Guide, things tend to get left (accidentially or not) on visits of that nature, and there's no easier way to get caught than minding your own business in your home and suddenly hearing "AND WHO THE FUCK DOES THIS BELONG TO!?" This is especially important if you and your partner live together, but almost as much even if you don't because odds are she spends a lot of time there. Do your dirt in the streets and not your own sheets. Oh, and even if you break this rule (which I don't at all recommend) please, PLEASE...not in a bed you and your partner officially share. That's pretty fucked up, and could get you...well...the same way.

-Deny it to the best of your ability. At some point, there WILL be suspicion. A mysterious call and hang-up, a report that "one of her friends saw you with _____", disregarding the guideline I JUST MENTIONED...something will eventually put a tiny tear in the web of lies you have woven. It's up to you to patch it up. Have a bunch of excuses for every possible situation (and vary it up a bit...there's only so many times your homie's girl left him and he needed some company, drinks moral support from 10pm to 5am). Make flash cards and rehearse them if you need to. Sure it's hard...but nobody told you to cheat.

-Your phone can fuck you hard, just ask Tiger. Here in the future, somebody's phone can be a snapshot of their life and all in it. (It's Appstrology, I studied it.) The inormation within can be a very relable documentation of one's life...so make it a classified document. Give everyone non-sexual codenames as contact names to avoid the question "Who the hell is Leandra?!". Put your phone on silent during quiet hours so all your late night booty calls and hollagrams can come in undetected. If your side girl like sending "special pictures" download an app to hide them from public view. Always lock your phone when you leave it alone, preferably with some kind of passcode...but since you'll forget occasionally, set your phone to auto-lock after a short period of time. If you REALLY want to be advanced about it, buy a seperate prepaid phone that you only use for your stepping out. These may seem like small steps, but they can save you a big problem.

-You will get caught. Accept it. It might not be today, or tomorrow, or this year, or this decade...but 99.973% of cheaters are caught. All it takes is one missed detail, one slip of the tongue, one argument getting a bit too heated, one day home early from works, one phone call to "Cheaters" and...bang. It's all over. If you're unfortunate enought to be caught red-handed, whatever you do, please don't shame yourself with bullshit lies like "this isn't me, it's my twin!" or "we were just talking" or (my favorite) "this isn't what it looks like"! You knew the risks when you got into this. Make it easy on yourself and be honest now (you could have made it easier still by not cheating at all, but whatever). If you were smart about it, you told Side Girl you're involved so at least you don't have to get berated in stereo...hell has worse furies than a woman scorned: womEn scorned.

Of course, in the end, the best thing to do is be honest and upfront with everyone involved, but before you even get started on this path, ask yourself some real questions: Is a relationship really what I want right now? Am I curious about the new or just sick of the old? Is it worth it to risk what's in my hand now worth trying to get in somebody else bush? Can I deal with the consequences involved with hurting someone? If you can honestly answer yes, I really hope this helps you...if not, I'm happy for you.