Love in the Club?

I was doing some light Ghostbooking over the weekend when I noticed a lot of people talking in their statuses about their club exploits. Now, that's not really anything spectacular, if you read my Guide to Facebook Species, you know that certain kinds of people claim to spend a lot of time in those places (enough to push the boundaries of feasibility in some cases...where do some of these people get the time and money to spend every waking moonlit hour in some place with a one-word name buying $17 drinks?) but one in particular stood out to me. I won't name any names, since the reliability of my Facebook Studies depends on the ability to observe and report folks' online tomfuckery without alerting them in any way, but it was something to the effect of "I can't find a man waa waa waa, maybe I'll have better luck at the club tonight!"

It was something I almost "Status Whoa'd" (it's a umf fanpage thing...) until I gave it a few seconds of thought and realized a lot of people don't even know what's wrong with that statement. Some folk are staring at their monitors confused, waiting for me to deliver the punchline. I'll end the suspense. There ain't one. I just figure I'll let y'all in on a little something: there's no love in the club. By now, half of you are really wondering where I'm going with this, a little over a third just stopped reading, half can't wait to read the next sentence, a quarter of y'all know this already, and the rest see I'm pretty bad at math...but if there's anything (besides me) that just doesn't add up, it's the theory that one can find a serious partner in that kind of a situation.

Now, before I type any of this, I want everybody to know I'm perfectly aware that many people go there just to have a good time with no plans for the experience beyond that night. I just think it's a little overrated to start with. The club experience's sizzle, what it's usually sold as, is an exotic locale that's just full of attractive people just waiting for you to come make a connection. The steak is usually more like a very familiar bar with a dance floor (ever notice that the same people seem to be in the club every week? After a while, it's like a weekly family reunion except with paid admission.) that's just full of people tucked, trimmed and tailored to resemble attractive people just waiting for you to come buy them a drink and get the fuck out of their face...all for the low, low cost of $25 plus drinks. Oh well, at least ladies are free before 11 (you know, when nobody's there yet) so there will eventually be a large variety of women to get shot down by.

All that being said, that's what it's more or less for...it's a meatingplace (no typo) for young singles (or people who want to pretend to be young singles even though they may lack the adjective, the noun, or both to have that phrase describe them) to mingle up and...well, I don't have to explain all that, we're all grown here...and for that purpose, it can be very effective. However, if you're looking for anything but that there, you're definitely in the wrong department. Let's take the average club scene, for example. You have a line of people outside of a buliding probably designed to hold half that many people guarded by a large, heavyset gentleman whose job is to decide at a glance whether you're attractive or influential (read: rich) enough to be granted entry.

Actually, swap out the bouncer for a member of whatever sex you're interested in, and you have a pretty good simulation of getting to know anybody you'll meet inside there. You see, between the loud music, dim lights, constant bumping from surrounding clubgoers (and heaven forbid, stepping on of footwear), and generally frenetic atmosphere, there's no chance to find out anything about anybody besides a general idea of they look like, how much they look like they make, and whether they're drunk enough to fuck you that night...not really the stuff from which lasting bonds are built, I gotta say.

Oh, wait...what's that? You say you can get around that by being in the VIP? *chuckles* Ah yes, the VIP...where a preset (but always exorbitant) reservation fee gains you a table, the ability to order bottles of liquor priced 50 to 100 times retail value to show the kind of lifestyle double shifts at Borders can afford you, all the inherent importance a red velvet rope can bring to your life and the company of folk who probably wouldn't look in your direction if you were on the other side of said rope. All the best kinds of people sit there...and they're usually pretty personable towards their own kind. Maybe you're right and you can find something special in the VIP...I just hope they make a cream for it.

In all seriousness, think about all the times you (or "a friend") came home with some random guy from the club who you really liked who never called again after he left. You know why he never called again? You're just some random girl from the club who "totally let him hit, dude!" Think about every cute couples' meeting story you've ever heard...does even one take place in a club? (I've heard couples make up origin stories to avoid the fact that they met in the club.) Consider the fact that the freaks do, indeed, come out at night...so maybe you want to look for a good guy in the daytime. As far as a hookup point, a social net for social butterflies, or a place to unwind after a long week at work, I can see where they have their merits...but if you're looking for anything beyond a casual relationship, I can promise you: there's no love in the club.