*fittedwearer's note: You might be familiar with my first book, entitled "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". You might even know about the chapter previews of said book I have around here I affectionately refer to as "FfYL Quickies".
What you might not be aware of is that many of the chapters in the book were ported directly from umf...I polished 'em up a bit, of course...there's a big gap between lunchtime ramblings and book chapter...but the source material cannot be denied.
However, the purpose of me typing all this is to let y'all know how much I love umf'ers. Clearly I do, because what I'm doing now is giving you what pretty much amounts to an album cut of these old umf posts. They're actual chapters from "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge", and I share them with you in the hopes that you'll like 'em enough to support me anyway...or maybe just read the damn thing, period.
Anyway, since I've decided to go all the way in on these select chapters, they will be hereby known as "Full Penetration Discourse", as opposed to the half-chapter "Quickies". Tee-hee.
Aight, here we go...today we visit the little bonus I threw in for the good of all mankind, the contract balancing sports fanhood with romantic relationships codenamed the "Prevent Defense". Blow the whistle:
As mentioned in Part II chapter 7, “Being in an Actual Relationship”, sports fanhood has been a popular point of contention in committed relationships almost since the invention of sports.The reasons behind this are rather simple to understand once you understand the dynamics of both fanhood and relationships.You see, sports fans, by nature, follow their teams passionately, actively seek out all information they can regarding their team of choice in all media, and have been doing so for as long as they can remember.Doing this gives fans a sense that all is right with the world (as long as their team’s sport is in season and they are winning). It’s as much a part of their lives as anything else mentioned in this book…and yes, that includes significant others.Of course, the significant others in question aren’t always happy to sit on the bench while the team’s on the field. They want their partners’ undivided attention at all times, and a bunch of men in colored jumpsuits tossing about some manner of orb be damned.They often demand to be immediately promoted to priority 1, completely ignoring the fact that the team was there first…after all, “it’s just a game”.Many people simply go along with this, letting a lifelong commitment fall by the wayside in favor of inane bullshit activities like cleaning the garage, errands that only the non-fan partner cares are run that day or not, and “talking about us”.They simply see no way around this sacrifice, and so are gently led away from the television by the nose each and every time their partner decides that something is more important than a tradition outdating and in many cases outliving their relationship.I say NO MORE.No longer will responsible, beer drinking, TV-shouting, and perfectly normal fans have their game time subjugated with no recourse.You see, partners often do not understand that the sport in question means far more to the fan than they can fathom. That’s fair, sports fanhood is generally a bit illogical…but then, so is emotion in general (which means the people that this document most often applies to are among the last people qualified to comment on how little sense it makes).It’s okay. They don’t have to understand, because what they will understand is a legally binding document. So, in that spirit and for the advancement of lovetrodden fanhoods everywhere, I present Sports vs. Relationships, The Contract.Just have your partner read and sign this as soon as possible, or ideally before you even enter a commitment at all. After that, you should be able to watch your favorite team take years off your life in peace…or else, you can sue. You win either way. All right, here goes.1a) BasicsI, _______, heretofore referred to as The Signee, of sound mind and sound body, am in a relationship with my partner, _________, afterwards referred to as The Fan.I understand and recognize that they were a fan of their chosen team and the sport they play long before they were a fan of me.I also understand that the love The Fan has for their 1 (one) team and the love The Fan has for me are two totally different things, and that displaying what amounts to jealousy over the situation does no good and that The Fan just wants a few hours in which to be a fan uninterrupted.Therefore I, The Signee, do hereby pledge that I will not make requests of The Fan during “Gametime” (defined as a period beginning 15 minutes before and ending 15 minutes after the conclusion of any regular season game) that do not require "Immediate Attention".1b) "Immediate Attention":"Immediate Attention" is defined as within a period of up to 10 seconds (or after the current play is over). Events that require "Immediate Attention" are those that present a clear and present danger to the lives or safety of those it affects.Examples of such events include house fires, children in danger, and intruders of any kind. Examples of such events do not include house work, children in mommy's room, or door-to-door solictiors of any kind.Sexual activity may be considered to require immediate attention at the discretion of The Fan.1c) “Just a Game”I understand that the event that my partner takes time out of their day specifically to watch is not “just a game”. Chutes and Ladders is a game. Scrabble is a game. Candy Land is a game. Being a fan of a sport is a lifestyle.Failure to accept this will carry penalties up to and including having my partner come up to me while I’m watching something I care about, trashing any and all snacks I may have, then demanding an immediate sexual favor because “it’s just a show, and I’m not doing anything important.”2a) ObservationWhile The Fan should be open to and patient about teaching me about the game they enjoy watching, it is my responsibility to make a decision before Gametime on whether I wish to observe with The Fan or not.If I accept, I realize that is not my pass to sit around and ask "why The Fan even watches this stuff" or how “this game is so stupid."I also realize that if the game is so stupid and watching it is inexplicable, then watching it purely to make negative comments, waste time, and annoy the holy hell out of The Fan in the process is inexplicably stupid.If I do not want to watch the game, I, The Signee, pledge to find something else to do for a few hours.2b) TalkingTalking during the game about non-game related subjects is both distracting and ineffective, since The Fan is probably not listening to me anyway.However, should it become absolutely necessary, it should be kept to a minimum of both length and emotional content. I realize that The Fan’s attention is on the game for the next 4 hours or so, and any deep conversations will likely be forgotten, or worse, interrupted by a response to game events.This is part of The Fan’s personality and was before I ever laid eyes on them, and I hereby pledge to not take it personally and get the fuck over it.3) PostgameI, The Signee, while not obligated to do anything special when The Fan’s team loses, also pledge not to make it worse by saying things like "it wouldn't have happened if you had paid attention to me" or "that's what you get for spending all afternoon watching a stupid game and cursing at the TV".I realize that this behavior may result in the truculence that was being hurled at the TV being redirected at my dumb ass. I also realize that I fucking deserve this because I was an incendiary little dogwife.4) Special Event PassesWhile I now understand that the team is important to The Fan, I also see in a way that can't be seen from the inside that a few major life events per year may be more important than the game.As a result, I am allotted 1 (one) pass per 16 games to drag The Fan to some other shitty event during gametime.I understand that even missing the game of their own volition is a sacrifice, and I will not in any way prevent or discourage The Fan from checking the score on a smartphone or a nearby TV.5) Playoff/Championship GamesI, The Signee, realize that certain games are even more important than regular games, as they represent the path to the entire reason anybody watches any sport.I also understand that the team making the playoffs is a special occurrence that does not happen every year for even the most successful franchises.As a result, I promise to treat them, and the scheduling of events around them, with the appropriate respect with regards to this agreement. Also, the Special Event pass clause is automatically suspended unless The Fan agrees to waive this one.This clause also refers to “rivalry games”, or games between teams and fanbases that actively dislike each other.6) Team ChoiceIf I, The Signee, do somehow end up liking the game or sport, I understand that it is expected that I root for the same team as The Fan.Failure to do so, and especially the choice of a rival team, will have unpredictable but uniformally undesirable effects.I accept this as a condition of becoming a sports fan of my own free will after seeing up close what The Fan goes through.7a) ConsiderationsIn return for my complete compliance with all terms and conditions presented in this document, The Fan must perform any and all responsibilities previously understood to be a part of our relationship to the best of their ability outside of Gametime.In addition, I may request 1 (one) special favor per game day, subject to approval by The Fan, and also to be performed outside the hours of Gametime.Also, I deserve really great birthday and anniversary gifts because I’m an awesome partner.7b) BreachMinor breaches of contract will be handled surprisingly quickly and brusquely so The Fan can get back to watching the game.Any severe breach of this contract may include penalties up to and including termination and monetary compensation rivaling a celebrity divorce settlement.
By signing this contract, I, The Signee, indicate that I accept and agree to all terms therein. This contract takes effect immediately at or retroactive to the start of the active sports season The Fan’s team participates in.x______________________________________________(Signee)x______________________________________________(Fan)x_______________________________________________(Witness)______________________(Date)