fittedwearer's note: If you're wondering what brought this on, don't worry, I don't have any major life announcements of any kind and don't plan to for quite some time. It's just all this coverage of the royal wedding (not tracking it on purpose, it's just all over TV for no good reason. Why do I care again? I'm American, dammit...just a couple hundred years ago we had beef over this king and queen shit...now it's the lead story for a month leading up to it? Especially now when everyone's broke, who wants to see a glorious golden display of riches and opulence on some "let them eat cake" shit? I wonder if the Brits even care enough to justify this level of coverage...that's off topic tho...) got me thinking...so I'm gonna go ahead and cover my ass early with this letter. It'll be printed out and tucked into the bottom of the engagement ring box given to the lady in my life to be named later. This is for you, my future queen (but don't expect 5 horse-drawn carriages).
Dear (fiancée),
If you're reading this, we're engaged. That alone should tell you the depths of my feelings for you. I love you like no other man can because what we share is almost indescribable. We've been through a lot together, and we've come out the other side stronger than ever. The contributions you make to my life are invaluable. You complete me as a person. You quite possibly know me better than any other living soul. (lol I'll quit the syrupy shit soon, I promise...) All my greatest strengths and biggest weaknesses are no more a secret to you than my first name...which is why you should know damn well not to ask for too much help planning the wedding, angel cake.
I know that might sound like a lot, but hear me out, cuddle buns. I love you, and I love the idea of being with, learning from, and sharing with you for the rest of my life...it's just that I am NOT spending hours of perfectly good weekends in fabric shops comparing swatches. It ain't happening. I don't give a flying fuck what color the bridesmaids wear. If you ask me my opinion, I will name one of 3 colors, all of which you can see right now. I don't really care what kind of flowers go on the centerpieces on the tables or what band plays at the reception. Honestly, I'll be way too drunk to care at that point, pillow tits.
You should already know what foods I like and dislike if you've been paying attention to anything that's been going on in our relationship that we've been in long enough for me to ask you to marry me, so please don't ask me about the catering menu, love love candy twat. Anything we both eat is fine. Also, if you ask me to draw up a creative seating chart that integrates members of both families to inspire mingling while keeping folk that don't like each other apart, the whole thing is off. This is our day, so unless they're financing the event or are bringing one hell of a wedding present (say, a silver Shelby Mustang conevrtible with blue and white triple striping) they should either show up, sit down, and shut up or do none of the above. Yes, that includes anybody with something smart to say about the fact that I gave you this letter, sugar dumpling.
It's not like I'm totally indifferent to the ceremonies, suckie muffin.I'm willing to contribute a few things, which I'll save some debate and lay out now. I would much prefer a spring or summer wedding...as you know, football season is in the fall and winter and that sports girlfriend contract you signed before we even got halfway serious should tell you all you need to know about that. In addition, I ask that the Electric Slide nor any variants thereof be played or performed until I'm trashed enough to pay it no mind...I find it slightly annoying for some reason. I'd also request that the ceremonies not take place in a church as a result of the first request...I know I don't want to spend an entire afternoon sitting anywhere sober, especially not in a hot, stuffy, stained glass Showtime oven so I'll extend the same courtesy to my guests. For the same reason, let's keep the wedding under an hour. The reception and honeymoon can last as long as you want though. Finally, I ask that I be able to tuck a few jokes into my vows...hey, you're marrying me, you know what you're getting, sexy pie.
Listen, baby hair angel breath, it's not that I don't care about marrying you...there's 4 months of proof on your right ring finger that I care very much whether we're married or not. it's not that I don't care about our big day...I just don't care about all the little shit that goes into it. I just don't have the willful attention span, and to have an unwilling participant in the planning stages is a disservice to us both. I understand just about every girl wants her big fairy princess day...so you have to understand it's kind of on you to make it happen. Just let me know the date and time so I can show up and claim your love as my own forever. (Oh, but if this doesn't work out, I want this ring back...no ifs, ands, or buts. Not saying it won't, just putting it on record.) I love you, (fiancée's name)...good luck with the wedding plans!
Your future husband/best friend/biggest fan,
AJ
Dear (fiancée),
If you're reading this, we're engaged. That alone should tell you the depths of my feelings for you. I love you like no other man can because what we share is almost indescribable. We've been through a lot together, and we've come out the other side stronger than ever. The contributions you make to my life are invaluable. You complete me as a person. You quite possibly know me better than any other living soul. (lol I'll quit the syrupy shit soon, I promise...) All my greatest strengths and biggest weaknesses are no more a secret to you than my first name...which is why you should know damn well not to ask for too much help planning the wedding, angel cake.
I know that might sound like a lot, but hear me out, cuddle buns. I love you, and I love the idea of being with, learning from, and sharing with you for the rest of my life...it's just that I am NOT spending hours of perfectly good weekends in fabric shops comparing swatches. It ain't happening. I don't give a flying fuck what color the bridesmaids wear. If you ask me my opinion, I will name one of 3 colors, all of which you can see right now. I don't really care what kind of flowers go on the centerpieces on the tables or what band plays at the reception. Honestly, I'll be way too drunk to care at that point, pillow tits.
You should already know what foods I like and dislike if you've been paying attention to anything that's been going on in our relationship that we've been in long enough for me to ask you to marry me, so please don't ask me about the catering menu, love love candy twat. Anything we both eat is fine. Also, if you ask me to draw up a creative seating chart that integrates members of both families to inspire mingling while keeping folk that don't like each other apart, the whole thing is off. This is our day, so unless they're financing the event or are bringing one hell of a wedding present (say, a silver Shelby Mustang conevrtible with blue and white triple striping) they should either show up, sit down, and shut up or do none of the above. Yes, that includes anybody with something smart to say about the fact that I gave you this letter, sugar dumpling.
It's not like I'm totally indifferent to the ceremonies, suckie muffin.I'm willing to contribute a few things, which I'll save some debate and lay out now. I would much prefer a spring or summer wedding...as you know, football season is in the fall and winter and that sports girlfriend contract you signed before we even got halfway serious should tell you all you need to know about that. In addition, I ask that the Electric Slide nor any variants thereof be played or performed until I'm trashed enough to pay it no mind...I find it slightly annoying for some reason. I'd also request that the ceremonies not take place in a church as a result of the first request...I know I don't want to spend an entire afternoon sitting anywhere sober, especially not in a hot, stuffy, stained glass Showtime oven so I'll extend the same courtesy to my guests. For the same reason, let's keep the wedding under an hour. The reception and honeymoon can last as long as you want though. Finally, I ask that I be able to tuck a few jokes into my vows...hey, you're marrying me, you know what you're getting, sexy pie.
Listen, baby hair angel breath, it's not that I don't care about marrying you...there's 4 months of proof on your right ring finger that I care very much whether we're married or not. it's not that I don't care about our big day...I just don't care about all the little shit that goes into it. I just don't have the willful attention span, and to have an unwilling participant in the planning stages is a disservice to us both. I understand just about every girl wants her big fairy princess day...so you have to understand it's kind of on you to make it happen. Just let me know the date and time so I can show up and claim your love as my own forever. (Oh, but if this doesn't work out, I want this ring back...no ifs, ands, or buts. Not saying it won't, just putting it on record.) I love you, (fiancée's name)...good luck with the wedding plans!
Your future husband/best friend/biggest fan,
AJ
10 reasons this post doesnt suck:
My husband and I planned every aspect of our small wedding together and even wrote our own vows. The service and reception were not traditional or expensive. We also paid for the event ourselves and told those we sent invitations to that we would welcome their "presence" but did not wish to receive presents. That was over 30 years ago and it was not the approach most people getting married employed.
funny shit... looool! I loved this post... :P
Don't worry snickerdoodle, your future wife won't really want your opinion anyway. Aw, she might talk a good game, but don't be fooled. She'll prefer complete control over everything...including your wallet to help pay for it all. And are you REALLY going to spend four months salary on a ring? Dang! Those commercials really HAVE brainwashed the masses!! ;)
Oh, I LOVE you, hunny bunny! This post ROCKS. Seriously laughed out loud.
Ok AJ you don't want a girlfriend my friend, you want a saint.
Haha AJ =D
But what if your future wife doesnt want to plan the wedding either? Not all women are that fixated on wedding planning details.
Jay.me =)
I LOVE IT! I LOVE IT!! I LOVE IT!!!
@Deray- lol no...I want a girlfriend that realizes that her big grand gilded procession is just that...hers. I'm only there for the actual marriage, thanks.
@my e-conscience- I guess we'll be getting a marriage license down at City Hall then...maybe put that money towards something that lasts over 3 hours.
@ Lady J- haha I love it too...hopefully my future wife will at least accept it lol...thanks!
It's funny to read the wedding plan information.By seeing wedding planning experience is nice one.Thanks for sharing the wedding plans information.
It's a nice way to contact your feature wife.This idea was useful to many groom's.I think ,you can try any other idea for chatting with the feature life.For planning a wedding,you may use the wedding app and gain it.
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