*fittedwearer's note: In the wake of recent events, there have been many questions raised, some legitimate, some stupid as fuck. We here at umf feel like the American people deserve answers...so here's a quick FAQ about the death of Osama Bin Laden and how it may affect you.
Bin Laden died?
Yes, he did. I don't know how you don't know that, seeing as there was near total domination on the story on all news outlets, including the Facebook News Network, (sign of the times that I actually found out there) which exploded like Jesus came back with the breaking of the story. I actually saw an advertisement for a "Bin Laden's dead!" afterparty for some local club, and fully expect to see low-intelligence T-shirts on the matter become available in a matter of hours. Once you see a guy under the El selling T-shirts commemorating something out of his trunk, you know it happened.
Bin Laden died?
Yes, he did. I don't know how you don't know that, seeing as there was near total domination on the story on all news outlets, including the Facebook News Network, (sign of the times that I actually found out there) which exploded like Jesus came back with the breaking of the story. I actually saw an advertisement for a "Bin Laden's dead!" afterparty for some local club, and fully expect to see low-intelligence T-shirts on the matter become available in a matter of hours. Once you see a guy under the El selling T-shirts commemorating something out of his trunk, you know it happened.
How'd they find him?
Apparently, a decade of trial-and-error, thousands of dead soldiers, and a couple trillion dollars helped...but at least they got their man. (I bet if he owed back taxes or college loans or something, he would have been located a bit quicker.) Good return on the investment? You be the judge.
How did he die?
In a Special Forces raid of his gigantic Pakistani hideout, the largest building in the area, over eightfold the size of surrounding buildings. This building was surrounded by walls 18 feet high in places, had a road built especially to access it in the past 5 years, was patrolled by armed guards, and also was mere miles from the capital of a nation that claimed to have no knowledge of his whereabouts and also borders Bin Laden's home country. US Defense Department attributes the 10 year delay in finding this very obvious hiding spot to the lack of a flashing neon sign stating "Osama's Crib" (or some equivalent excuse).
What does this mean?
Nothing much. While Osama Bin Laden, a 54 year old man with kidney trouble and a limp, can be killed, an idea, such as terrorism, cannot. (It's why you can't win a war on a concept...terror, drugs...even used car dealers and the like have been fighting wars on high prices on and off for a while now.) The next Bin Laden is tying up that supervisor's turban and strapping on the big beard right now. Actually, with the announcement by Philadephia Police that patrols near Muslim places of worship will be stepped up "until further notice", it might mean increased racial profiling in a city with one of the highest Muslim populations outside of Mecca itself. (Seriously, we even have halal cheesesteak shops...this could get ugly fast.)
What happened to his body?
According to US military sources, it was dumped into an unidentified body of water as soon as possible for no good reason. (They spit some bullshit about respecting his religious beliefs, but I think I speak for many people when I say fuck his religious beliefs. Also flimsy was some crap about not wanting a shrine to be built at his burial site...because we all know most radical Islamic terrorist require burials and not mops and squeegees after blowing themselves half past hell. I'm sure they don't figure out ways to mark their contributions to the cause otherwise.)
Apparently, a decade of trial-and-error, thousands of dead soldiers, and a couple trillion dollars helped...but at least they got their man. (I bet if he owed back taxes or college loans or something, he would have been located a bit quicker.) Good return on the investment? You be the judge.
How did he die?
In a Special Forces raid of his gigantic Pakistani hideout, the largest building in the area, over eightfold the size of surrounding buildings. This building was surrounded by walls 18 feet high in places, had a road built especially to access it in the past 5 years, was patrolled by armed guards, and also was mere miles from the capital of a nation that claimed to have no knowledge of his whereabouts and also borders Bin Laden's home country. US Defense Department attributes the 10 year delay in finding this very obvious hiding spot to the lack of a flashing neon sign stating "Osama's Crib" (or some equivalent excuse).
What does this mean?
Nothing much. While Osama Bin Laden, a 54 year old man with kidney trouble and a limp, can be killed, an idea, such as terrorism, cannot. (It's why you can't win a war on a concept...terror, drugs...even used car dealers and the like have been fighting wars on high prices on and off for a while now.) The next Bin Laden is tying up that supervisor's turban and strapping on the big beard right now. Actually, with the announcement by Philadephia Police that patrols near Muslim places of worship will be stepped up "until further notice", it might mean increased racial profiling in a city with one of the highest Muslim populations outside of Mecca itself. (Seriously, we even have halal cheesesteak shops...this could get ugly fast.)
What happened to his body?
According to US military sources, it was dumped into an unidentified body of water as soon as possible for no good reason. (They spit some bullshit about respecting his religious beliefs, but I think I speak for many people when I say fuck his religious beliefs. Also flimsy was some crap about not wanting a shrine to be built at his burial site...because we all know most radical Islamic terrorist require burials and not mops and squeegees after blowing themselves half past hell. I'm sure they don't figure out ways to mark their contributions to the cause otherwise.)
No pictures of his body have surfaced. People point to this as the basis for consipracy theories, I point to it as evidence that we live in a fucked up country to say the least...we can get pictures of Britney's sad looking, pouty vagina instantly but proof of the death of the world's most wanted man takes a day or so minumum. I see.
Can I still make jokes about how I saw Osama in 7-11?
No. And you should have stopped a long time ago...like the Go-Go Taquitos at that fine establishment, those jokes have little substance and a very short shelf life.
I saw a t-shirt that said "Obama got Osama"...he shot dude himself?
See, that's exactly the shit I'm talking about...bumper sticker political philosophy is exactly why we're so uninformed as a nation in the first place. Obama got Osama...that's great...now can Obama get Congress to stop playing grab-ass and get this economy back on track? Hell...i'd settle for Obama getting Donald Trump to shut up...but I don't know if I'd be proud enough of a 10 year (okay, 3 for him, but still) military operation culminating in the death of one man to brag about it in shirt form...just sayin'.
What will this do for gas prices?
Not a damn thing, you fuckin' twit. That's not even funny...what, did the guy walk around with an oil well hidden underneath his terror cloak? Are you dim enough find that observation humorous or dim enough to believe it? Either way, you ain't the brightest bulb in the dark. Blame the oil industry for gas prices...they're the real terrorists.
Is the war over?
Come on, man...you know better than that. Have we defeated terror yet? Nope, because when Bin Laden went, the threat level raised, travel alerts went up, and a general sense of "what if..." hit us as a nation. They'll find some other boogeyman for us to fear by the end of the year, and we'll all be shaking in our boots until they cap him right before re-election time too. Terror is still out there...but who are the terrorizors? When we answer that question and change the answer to "nobody", then and only then will the war be over. Until then, the United States is at war with Eastasia. It has always been at war with Eastasia--uh, terror.
Will there be retaliation?
Maybe. Maybe not. The point is they can retaliate...so we can dispense with the dancing in the streets, because this is far from over either way.
So what the fuck is everybody so happy about?
That's the $548.9 billion question. (I didn't pull that number out of my ass, it's the actual Department of Defense budget for twentyleven...what recession?) People don't act like there will be no more Mafia whenever a boss gets hit. People don't act like there will be no more crack in the hood when a corner boy gets booked. People don't act like there will never be another kid-lusting e-freak when some creep gets busted by Chris Hansen and his team of teenage girl text impersonation specialists...so I don't get the big party.
Can I still make jokes about how I saw Osama in 7-11?
No. And you should have stopped a long time ago...like the Go-Go Taquitos at that fine establishment, those jokes have little substance and a very short shelf life.
I saw a t-shirt that said "Obama got Osama"...he shot dude himself?
See, that's exactly the shit I'm talking about...bumper sticker political philosophy is exactly why we're so uninformed as a nation in the first place. Obama got Osama...that's great...now can Obama get Congress to stop playing grab-ass and get this economy back on track? Hell...i'd settle for Obama getting Donald Trump to shut up...but I don't know if I'd be proud enough of a 10 year (okay, 3 for him, but still) military operation culminating in the death of one man to brag about it in shirt form...just sayin'.
What will this do for gas prices?
Not a damn thing, you fuckin' twit. That's not even funny...what, did the guy walk around with an oil well hidden underneath his terror cloak? Are you dim enough find that observation humorous or dim enough to believe it? Either way, you ain't the brightest bulb in the dark. Blame the oil industry for gas prices...they're the real terrorists.
Is the war over?
Come on, man...you know better than that. Have we defeated terror yet? Nope, because when Bin Laden went, the threat level raised, travel alerts went up, and a general sense of "what if..." hit us as a nation. They'll find some other boogeyman for us to fear by the end of the year, and we'll all be shaking in our boots until they cap him right before re-election time too. Terror is still out there...but who are the terrorizors? When we answer that question and change the answer to "nobody", then and only then will the war be over. Until then, the United States is at war with Eastasia. It has always been at war with Eastasia--uh, terror.
Will there be retaliation?
Maybe. Maybe not. The point is they can retaliate...so we can dispense with the dancing in the streets, because this is far from over either way.
So what the fuck is everybody so happy about?
That's the $548.9 billion question. (I didn't pull that number out of my ass, it's the actual Department of Defense budget for twentyleven...what recession?) People don't act like there will be no more Mafia whenever a boss gets hit. People don't act like there will be no more crack in the hood when a corner boy gets booked. People don't act like there will never be another kid-lusting e-freak when some creep gets busted by Chris Hansen and his team of teenage girl text impersonation specialists...so I don't get the big party.
Sure, I'm not exactly sad to see the guy go...in fact, given the chance I might have double-tapped him myself. I'm just saying this ain't the end, people...so stop showing your rear one and act like you got some Allah-damned sense. If you feel any safer than yesterday because of this, then you're a fucking idiot. Quote me on it, copy and paste it, retweet it...hell, I'll make a short video of me saying so if you want...but you are. That's about all I got...remember, for perspective on all areas of life, trust umf...umf: sitting around thinking about shit so you don't have to (because that's clearly a challenge)!
9 reasons this post doesnt suck:
clap clap clap clap, yes I'm applauding, that was one good post AJ! I must post it on FB ;-)
Awesome, awesome post AJ!
The ones who think that everything has ended with killing Osama, well they seriously need to stop thinking that. I don't know what we can expect now he's gone. But don't you think, that Osama hasn't already thought of the day that he would be killed or die of something else? I just hope that there isn't some 'Pandora's Box' opened by killing him.
I can't believe the amount of money and death of innocence people that have been a part of this all. And I do find it odd that they can't show evidence of his death. It's what the whole world wants to see and it's being turned into some entertainment news. I don't understand why people are so happy, but then again I don't want to. Thinking too much about this, just makes me realize more how $#%^&* the society is. I often can't understand the behavior of human beings -_-.
Really nice post AJ!!
AJ-thanks for being so insightful and rational and not jumping on the pre-fabricated bandwagon of media celebration and hate.
"What now?" We find someone else to kill, of course!
I came to comment but can only echo what NP has already said. I am deeply disturbed by the jublication and by the horrid attacks on all Muslims I have read online today.
Obama said the United States is not, and will never be, at war with Islam: "Bin Laden was not a Muslim leader. He was a mass murderer of Muslims. His demise should be welcome by all who believe in peace and human dignity."
I agree with him. I am relieved to hear this terrorist leader is dead but I don’t celebrate anyone’s death. It’s creepy to do that and I’m hoping the euphoria over this act of vengence subsides very quickly. If it doesn’t and the American people are filled false sense of security due to this celebration of death of a war criminal sans a trial, then that will render them vulnerable to even more terrorist attacks.
I certainly hope the fear filled and ill-educated islamaphobes in America shut up as their unsubstantiated verbal attacks on all Muslims are dangerous and can lead to a very bad place.
OOPS! I'm not really ananymous. Sorry.
Great post with great answers, AJ. Glad the guy is gone, yet I'm not jumping out of my seat like most. The whole thing is still too sad. Glad they got him, though. Bastard.
Thanks y'all...I just wanted to be the voice of reason for once...
I wonder if you can ever really end a war against "terror". It's such a vague concept that you can never really gauge whether you win are not. It's almost like invading a country to wage a war against "bad stuff". There's no specific enemy that you can kill and end it, just an anti-American ideology that celebrates martyrdom and jihad which could pervade indefinitely.
win or* not, i meant to say of course :p
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