English: The Ultimate Weapon

It's a bit of an understatement to say that I like to cuss...in fact, I'm one of profanity's biggest fans (and you can tell because it's autograph is all over this place). Yup, if I ever get a TV show, me and the bleep button will probably be very familiar...I'm usually to first to break the "fuck" barrier in a given conversation, am very prone to adding pg-13 modifiers and adjectives to many nouns that come out my mouth...hell, sometimes I like to toss one out for no good reason other than I don't live with my mommy any more...fuckit, you know?

That said, used improperly or out of necessity as a placeholder for all the cool words you don't know or can;t pronounce ain't the best look. While the grown-up words are...let's be honest...damn fun to use, overuse can make you look like...well, kind of a dumbass. Even I must admit it doesn't fly in every arena. Your Burger King shift manager may in fact exhibit all the traits and characteristics of the classic fuckin' dickhead, but presenting him with this information directly can have some detrimental effects on your scheduled hours.

However, there is a very important loophole in the English language...asinine as it sounds, most people will bear all manner of insult and malediction as long as it doesn't make a TV go *bleep*. Sentiments more foul than any 4-letter word can posess on its own are just fine to express as long as they don't rhyme with "duck" or "gas". I'm talking concepts that can make a target wish you actually have ONLY said "fuck you!" You just have to know how. You see, the English language is an arsenal, and four-letters are like explosives...but what I'm about to teach you is more akin to poison darts, much quieter but just as deadly in the right person's hands...and a lot more painful. Below are some common insults, and a few suggested alternatives.

Sure, you could call him an asshole, but...
- You could say that they're an insufferable cretin.
- You might say they'll go as far as their talents will take them...to the corner and back, maybe.
- You could refer to them as tragically maladjusted.
- You could insinuate that their family tree may, in fact, be a small bush.
- You might say that they're the worst part of a bad situation.
- You might say to someone else that they're the kind of person best known of.
- You could say that the person is great in small doses...given to someone else.

Sure you could call her a bitch, but...
- You could say that she's abrasive at times...just name one.
- You could say she has her cycle in reversed proportion.
- You could say she's difficult to work with....and talk to, and live around, and breathe the same air as...
- You could say that she's probably great with dogs.
- You could say that she has an alternative view on the necessity of goodwill.
- You could call her a slut...no wait, that's a good thing now, 'parently.

Sure you could call what they said bullshit, but...
- You could say you're not quite sure about what they said.
- You could say there are factual inadequacies in their statement.
- You might refer to their statement as a flaw in their mindset.
- You could tell them they might want to Google that.
- You also could simply wish them good luck with it.

Sure, you could call someone one ugly fucker, but...
- You might say that they have an inimitable face.
- You might vocalize an appreciation for the originality of their design.
- You might say when they were made, the mold broke itself ...you don't have to mention that it self-destructed.
- You could say that they're asthetically challenged.
- You might mention that at least they have their personality.
- You could say that when they find love, they'll know it wasn't based on looks.
- You could say they're not your type (what else does that mean?).
- You could say they have a face only a mother could love...and not even she's in love with it.

Sure you could say you don't give a fuck about what someone says, but...
- You could say that the situation deserves someone else's attention.
- You could tell them that you're not the best person to comment on it...assuming caring is a qualification.
- You could say you have limited stake in their words.
- You might say your energies are devoted elsewhere.
- You could offer them your smartphone to call someone who cares.
- You could just say their statement lacks relevance.

Sure you could threaten to fuck someone up, but...
- You could state that a continuation of their current behaviors will result in an endangerment of their personal welfare.
- You could tell them that either their attitude or their face will be modified.
- You could put them "on notice for further action".
- You could tell them that you are preparing to defend yourself...your body, your pride, your property, it all counts.
- You can ask them if they are covered under Obamacare.
- You could mention your intent to physically correct the situation.
- You could tell them that you WILL extract and destroy one of their eyes. (That's some shit you take seriously...who says that and doesn't at least partially mean it?)

Sure you could say fuck you, but...
- You could say that you are closing your interest in their existence.
- You might say you wish them everything they deserve.
- You might wish that their children are just like them.
- You could say that their continued respiration is a liability to humanity.
- You could say they're not worth the paper they're printed on...and since that's none...
- You could mention that you've always admired everything they're not.
- You could say that there is something beautiful about them and that you hope somebody finds it one day.
- You might mention your utter disdain and lack of respect for them.
- You could say you've learned a lot from them...like exactly the kind of person you hate.
- You could hope aloud that their favorite sports team loses their next game (seriously, it's the same thing).
- You might say that they're utterly worthless as a person (seriously, ouch).
- You could say that they're the kind of person best appreciated from a distance, so you'll go try to appreciate them.

See? It's easy and fun to say anything you want, and you don't necessarily have to cuss someone to cut someone...you can say the foulest of shit without a single "bad word" (and since these aren't too common, they may not even know what you're talking about and have to suffer the added indignity of feeling stupid). Sure, it's fun and easy to just drop bombs, but toss a few of these in every so often...you'll be surprised how effective they can be on the bitch-ass folk you throw them at...lol...