How to sound cool on Facebook: the Post

*fittedwearer's note: If you've checked out the "Search Me..." series (you know, that post with all the weird-ass Google search terms) you know that "how to sound cool on Facebook" is one of the most popular searches that leads to umf. As you may have guessed, there's no such accurate post here...or anywhere else...but since people really want some information about this concept so badly, it's my job to provide it...hey, I did it with "types of Facebooker"...so here it is, enjoy!

Apparently, sounding cool on Facebook is a concern in many people's modern lives. The fact is, it can be much easier than most people realize...in fact, I do it all the time! There are a few simple steps to learn, but just about anybody can do it with a little effort. Here, I will share these steps with you in the hopes that you too can sound like a cool guy to all your Facebook friends....or whatever.

1) Stop trying so fuckin' hard. You see, ideally everyone would be exactly as cool on Facebook as they are in real life, as social networking is an extension of one's life rather than a replacement for it. However, people often cannot make this distinction and take the opportunity to fashion new, fantastic personae (and "names") for themselves to impress all their friends, most of who were already familiar with them as a person before the advent of Facebook and know that the person on their friendslist bears little to no resemblance to the one they know in real life.

These people are in no way cool. In fact, they're roughly as wack as they think they are cool, give or take a few cool points. They're often mocked and ridiculed for their distorted pageview of life. Accordingly, a good first step to sounding cool on Facebook would be to not be this person.

2) Pay close attention to the text in the status box: "what's on your mind?" This is an invitation for you to share your pertinent thoughts with your friends, not leeway for you to post every halfway humorous quote from that movie you saw last week in an hour span, a place to share every item you consume on a given day, nor a constant conduit for others to be bored vicariously through you. That's bad Facebook Ettiquette. In most cases, it should be used as a space for a short message sharing an original thought.

Of course, if you have none, then the answer to "what's on your mind" is "nothing"...so post just that, nothing. It will take your raw number of updates down, but will increase your percentage of worthy ones...and that's pretty cool.

3) Have your friends on your friendslist...duh. It may sound somewhat obvious, but the fact is your actual friends spend their free time with you voluntarily...it stands to reason they think you're cool to some extent. It's a built-in fanbase that some people apparently scarcely realize they have.

On the other hand, if you add everyone you've ever met to your Facebook friendslist, it also stands to reason that not all of them will care for the very intimate experience of being exposed to your personality a few dozen times a day. These people will be impressed with nothing you write...and since sounding cool is obviously a concern for you, why waste time with those who are deaf to your awesomeness? Keep your set of  Facebook friends looking at least somewhat like your set of 3D friends, and you'll likely sound cooler to the remaining parties without doing a thing.

4) Take it easy, dammit. It's understandable that sharing one's every thought with the world can be an exciting prospect for certain types of people (attention whores), but understand that not everyone cares as much about every little inkling you have as you and the people who think you're cool (all 2 of them) do. If you see your own picture on your news feed more than 3 times straight or accounting for over 50% of the pictures on the page, odds are you're a bit too eager.  Everyone knows that's not cool, in real life or on Facebook.

5) Stop trying so fuckin' hard! True, it was already mentioned, but definitely bears repeating.

6) Use the English language. Assume everyone speaks the version of English you read in books (those heavy things with the stained paper inside...you remember, like from that one time you went to class), and go from there. Letter-perfection ain't necessary, but please understand that the basic ability to have your words read and comprehended is the entire point of communicating anything. Those stylized spellings and symbol-letter replacement may look cool to you, but let me assure you, in the eyes of those you're likely trying to impress, it is not. Can't nobody read that bullshit. There's nothing wrong with casual speech in a casual context such as Facebook...but illiteracy or the simulation thereof is cool in very few circles.

7) Don't Google it. Seriously, that's terrible as all fuck. If you truly have to ask how to sound cool on Facebook, odds are you are completely incapable of it and should probably give up on social networking...maybe society. Regardless, I hope this helps!