*fittedwearer's note: please, please, PLEASE watch the video...skip to 0:45 if you're pressed for time...it's of the local newscast of the event and to hear the...Caucasian accent...on the reporter while he reads the various slanguage that was used is...fuckin' priceless. I hope this post is half that funny hahaha...aight, let's go.
By now, I'm sure we all have heard the tragically retarded story of London Eley, a Philadelphia woman who decided that the best way to end her baby daddy blues was to end her baby daddy, Corey White. (The guy appeared shocked that she was capable of such a thing, stating "I thought we was better than that". Of course, he's either lying or stupid...you don't skip directly from "relationship bliss" to "murder for hire"...there are a few public arguments, burned/bleached articles of clothing and busted car windows in between those 2 points. Don't ignore the warning signs, gentlemen...message!)
Of course, this kind of thing goes on all the time, but what made this particular case unique was the manner in which the request was made...that's right, that dumb bitch put an open job posting out on Facebook offering $1,000 for her husband, dead or deceased. (When the fuck did that become a good idea? Isn't that a lot like a drug dealer hanging a sign on one's front door that says "crack house" or a prostitute just waiting on some corner on her knees with her mouth wide open and a tip jar beside her? I mean, I know people tell on themselves on Facebook all the time, but I'll give my FB friends this much credit: I've never so much as seen a status saying "weed for sale, inbox me for prices", let alone "$1,000 to the first man to bring me my ex's face on a RIP t-shirt!" ...it's just not smart.)
Apparently she forgot about all the other ways we can contact each other here in the future...texts, emails, phone calls, all that...and elected to place her want ad in the most public area possible for somebody that doesn't run a site with the best fuckin' readers in the world (yeah, I said it again) ...right on her Facebook public wall. (That's some bold shit...she didn't even make it a private message!) The first person of interest to see this story was one Timothy Bynum. A mere 18 years dumb, Timmy was apparently a hardened killer (obviously, anybody with a gun in their profile pic is obviously a wankstus hilariosi...for more information about Facebook Species, aim here.) accepting her request as calmly as adding a friend.
After finding out some critical information about his target like "wat he look like nd were he stay at" and reminding her that "he need dat $$$ first tho" (yeah, that's how he types...but would you really expect an internet hitman who poses for pictures with the gun he works with to be a genius?), Bynum was ready to commit the what may have been the first absolutely confirmed Facebook-based murder in human history...or would have had relatives of White, still friends with the mother of his kids, not SEEN THE POST ON THEIR NEWS FEED and called the cops. As diablocal schemes go, this one was fucked from the word "share". (Besides, if you watched the video, you see why she made a double mistake...she tried to kill one of the rare folk that would have sex with her while sober. Apparently they can be choosers :p )
Both Bynum and Eley, having given police every piece of evidence they would ever need to convict them, will probably go to jail (and if I was president, they'd also be sterilized so they couldn't reproduce and make kids who would write bomb scares on Twitter or something...nothing worse than a retweeted #terroristthreat) and they'll richly deserve it. I have no idea how this is a good idea, and honestly I wouldn't recommend it at all...but if you want somebody off your real-life friendslist that badly, here's a few tips to help:
1) Don't do it on Facebook...at least not on your wall. At the very least, use the private message function.
2) If you really have to do it on there for whatever reason, at least block the family members of the person involved from your status.
3) Really, if you want to kill someone's family member, it's not a good idea to still have them on your friendslist.
4) Find a hitman who does not openly advertise himself as such...a business card or picture depicting himself at work is usually a bad sign.
5) If you are a hitman, do not pose with your office equipment on Facebook. If you seek one, do not hire one who poses with it.
6) Spend more than $1,000 on a hit...you get what you pay for.
7) Craigslist still exists.
Seriously people...don't do this to yourselves...before you haul off and make your whole life a hilarious failure, ask yourself...are you THAT sure you want to delete that person?
1 reasons this post doesnt suck:
thanks for the lols AJ! that was unbelievably hilarious!
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