Staycation: All I ever wanted...

As you may have noticed, I didn't post anything here (or on the umf fanpage...had an announcement about it there today which I won't repeat here because everybody who really cares *like*s umf on Facebook) Friday. I had all intentions on it...in fact, I had the post from earlier today all typed up and ready to go. That's when my laptop cut off...and of course, I didn't save a damn thing. I got a little upset, and as the hammer struck the pulverized casing of what once was a laptop for the 17th time, I suddenly realized I needed a vacation...from everything (so if you called/texted/commented/whatever'd me this weekend, there's your explanation for my disappearance from the face and Facebook of the earth).

Of course, I'm broke (and likely will be until somebody finds me funny enough to start consistently paying me for it) so I couldn't exactly hop on my private jet and traipse off to the Bahamas for a weekend, but luckily I was invited to an extended hotel party in Somewhere Else, PA for the 4th...I figured that was close enough. I decided to make that my vacation. After vowing to myself to stay off my phone and the internet until Monday (something I only cheated at a little but did a decent job doing for a guy whose right hand should be part Android by now) I set off for my low-budget escape. It sounds cliche, but I came back with a new perspective...here are just a few of the things I learned during my staycation.

-When I'm really actively having fun, I have no desire to tell Facebook about it in the moment. Maybe afterwards, maybe never (some things are better left untyped...there, anyway) but I never stop what I'm doing, remark to myself what fun I'm having, pick up the nearest internet-capable device, and give 140 of my best friends a play-by-play. This lends credence to my theory that most people who do so aren't having as much fun as they say...or are just trying to sound cool on Facebook (and are, by definition, failing).

-One can go into a Target having forgotten his toothbrush and come out with that, a 7-pack of ankle socks, and a Super Soaker (and almost a pair of Captain America boxers, if they had them in my size).

- Always screw your weed closed tightly. Somehow, I discovered early Saturday morning that I hadn't followed my future advice and as a result, had my prized crops integrated with the hotel carpet. Yes, I did try to recover it (and discovered the quality of the room vacuuming was top-notch, as a side note) and got less than a quarter of it back. I fought back tears at the moment, but was soon okay.

-Corned beef hash tastes like shit. I found this out through a 3rd party (hi Randi!) but was glad I did not have to learn this with my own mouth.

-Watching "Cops" and "Cheaters" for hours at a time is a little more fun away from home.

-Hotel pillows are very comfortable...and they don't really care if you take them (as far as I know).

-"Fuck it, I'm on vacation" is a pass for damn near everything. Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Hoarding most of the bacon from the breakfast buffet one day and using it in various sandwiches and other preparations the entire weekend? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. A Bloody Mary garnished with a slice of said bacon (so it qualifies as part of a balanced breakfast) at 9am?  Floating around in the pool on a giant inflatable donut with a cup full of every available liquor and mixer thrown together into a watermelon Southern Parrot Comfort Bay 100-proof Smirnoff Limon martini-garita in the middle of the day? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Shooting small children in the face with a Super Soaker? Fuck it, I'm on vacation (it's fine, they liked it). Running around wearing nothing but an elaborate towel cape and Dallas Cowboys board shorts for large chunks of the weekend (and allowing a picture of it to be taken?) You get the point.

-You don't have to leave the country to have a great vacation. You don't even have to leave your state...just your state of mind.

I feel like a new man...lol...