Surviving Philly- A Field Guide

Philadelphia. From the Latin for "city of brotherly love" (and the American English for "shooting gallery with landmarks"). Birthplace of freedom, former capital of these United States, home of the cheesesteak (and the Eagles, but I try not to hold that against them) my current base of operations and...a very dangerous place. They used to say "if you can make it in New York, you can make it anywhere, but you show me where up there one can get beaten to death outside a courthouse like in ancient Rome or some shit. My feelings on this place are...mixed, to say the least...but contrary to popular belief, a decent life can be scraped out in this city for as long as one is forced to inhabit it. Below are a few guidelines to help any new residents, as well as Philaveterans who could use some savvying up, make their homes within 10 miles of the Liberty Bell and continue to breathe at the same time...trust me on this, I've lived here a while now (and am currently living to tell the tale!).

Mind your own damn business- It may be the instinct of decent, upstanding folk to vocalize their concern for a stranger's style of dress/social graces/parenting skills. Often, these observations are both truthful and beneficial to the recipient of the advice, and should be freely dispensed to all who require it for the betterment of their own lives and the lives of their children. Well, in Perfectville anyway. We're here to discuss Philadelphia, where people set up hits on Facebook and call the goons to try and shoot up some guy who said you maybe shouldn't slap and cuss out your infant child...as well as everyone on the bus with him at the time...so maybe it's best to keep your commentary to yourself right then. If you must act, be like me and take a silent picture of them to ridicule with your friends later...it's about 87% as satisfying and nowhere near as deadly.

Huge packs of schoolkids = trouble- If you find yourself here and see a throng of 20+ rowdy 15 year olds walking toward you, they ain't going caroling. That collective of hormonally imbalanced teens just might be what they call a "flash mob" around here (even though I prefer to call them "flashholes" to differentiate them from the YouTube folk who just want to do the Thriller dance in a public area) and they exist for only one reason...to fuck shit up. People, property, police, whoever gets in their way...they've brutally attacked a few people just this month (yes, I'm aware today is August 8th) and their sheer numbers can be overwhelming. They form quickly and disperse just as fast, so follow the tsunami rule...if you see one beginning to swell, get the fuck out of there.

Avoid neighborhoods with directions attached- In the last 50 or so years, I hear they've tried to give various sections of the city cute little names like "Brewerytown" or "Queen Villiage". This is a ploy to fool somewhat dense imports into thinking they're moving into some posh, up and coming new neighborhood...if I hadn't lived here for a while, I would think the Nicetown area was an enjoyable place to live instead of some of the worst square footage in the city. 

However, the old classifications of these neighborhoods were as follows: Center City, North Philly, South Philly, and West Philly (if you're wondering why there's no East Philly, it's because Jersey touched it and the city council voted that rather than pay the enormous sanitation fees, they'd just push it into the Delaware River and be done with it.) and none of the directional areas are good places at all...trust me, I live in West Philly. Philadelphians may note that there IS a SouthWest Philly as well, but as the place has 2 directions in its name, my advice applies double...avoid it twice.

Don't think the cops will help you- They're mostly just for decoration. They busy themselves with acts of public service like robbing bars in uniform after hours, selling confiscated drugs to federal agents, and blaming mysterious black men for phantom shootings to get a beat with more Dunkin' Donuts on it. They'd much rather pat down people coming off the train to see if they have a bag of weed than try putting a handle on one of the country's top 5 murder rates. In fact, unless you're the one breaking the law, you will rarely see a police officer do much else besides pull over bikes in Center City for not using the bike lane.

Consider carrying a weapon- It may be the only way to defend yourself from the various dangers the streets of Philly can present. Mace is okay...for a girl...but hard to aim (and I'm pretty sure some of these weirdos develop immunities to it). Guns are always popular and quite effective, but I personally prefer a knife...they don't jam, are legal to carry without a license, and never run out of ammo, which can be useful when fending off a pack of rabid preteens. Nothing deters an attack like the threat of leaving the encounter with more pockets than you went into it with.

Never wear Cowboys apparel- As young Blue Star Brigadier Jaime Wert found out last year, it is a justification for physical attack (in the minds of some dickheads). The only way I've discovered to negate this effect is to be a large black man that many people will think twice before wantonly fucking with based on his choice of football team.

Be very aware of your surroundings- Keep that neck on a pivot. If possible, keep it spinning 360 degrees. Watch your back, because you never know when some street crazy will get fired from a job he thought he had, board the train you're on and decide to take his bad day out on the side of your head with a claw hammer (yes, this actually happened here...well, minus the backstory, I just had to justify his batshit craziness somehow). Also, always be prepared to hit the deck at a moment's notice...no longer content with drive-bys, people have taken to standing on the sidewalk firing at public transportation. It's only a matter of time before the reverse is true and someone gets sniped from a moving train car or something. Stay aware, stay alive.

Well, hopefully you enjoyed these handy hints to living and...living in the world's most ironically nicknamed city. Other than "never date a girl named Purple", it's some of the best advice I can give on the subject. (I mean, "City of Brotherly Love"?! *Insert your joke here, I've used all mine for the day!*) For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.