PSA: f.u.c.k. (selling books!)

What it is, umf'ers? Well, if you haven't been around lately--and it's cool, I haven't really either--I finally got my supply of "FfYL" hard copies. (Yeah, I started out with ebooks, but scraped up some printing money once everybody told me they would prefer hard copies all after the fact and shit.) They were packaged with an invoice, the bubble wrap that's more fun as a toy than effective as protection, and a lesson...that writing books is the easy part.

Selling 'em...eh, not so much. As I rode home on the train with a box half-full of books, a 2-foot hoagie, and a bottle of Bacardi 151, I began to ponder just how I could make everything in the box disappear as quickly as possible. Unfortunately, failing to take care of the first is a lot tougher to digest than the last 2 combined.

I don't want to make it seem like I'm flopping...I'm actually doing pretty good, sold a few copies locally, sent a few off to curious parties all over the country (and one very special lady in the Netherlands...hey girl...), and the digicopies are moving as much as they ever have...hell, even an early review or 2 has come in. (They were all good and praised the quality of my writing and humor, though a couple lamented the language as if a book with "fuck" printed on the cover was a Dr. Seuss alternative...oh well, can't please everybody, so fuck the ones who ain't happy.) It's not all bad.

However, that moment I've dreamed of since I took my first FfYL-related extended lunch break at work where I walk by some random coffee shop and see some black-sweatered hipster sipping a chai latte, updating his location on Foursquare, and holding my book while lightly chuckling at it between mouthfuls or raspberry scone (or the other moment where some eager female fans mob me like an AXE commercial because women will sleep with men just for writing bad books...imagine the lucky guy who writes the worst one!) is still pending...and for an impatient mafucka like me, that's a problem.

That being typed, it wouldn't be a problem if it didn't have a solution...so maybe this is it.  I know selling books is hard work...but giving them away might be easier, right? (Right?) Despite barely having a profit margin to cut into, I'm finna do just that...so I'm proud to announce a couple giveaways! I know $5 (digital) or $10+shipping (print) might be hard to come by--and if not, please disregard the rest of this post and order now with the link >over there>--but if you can't scrounge that up, here's a couple ways you can get your hands on a free copy:

-*Like* the FfYL fanpage! No, it's not automatic, I can't give away that many (well, I only have 30some *like*rs, so it ain't all that many...but if you follow instructions, that number will be higher, so you see my point here...) but both the 77th *like* and every 77th after that will recieve a free print copy of the book! Besides that, it's the only place I'll be announcing future promotions...and there will be future promotions. (Christmas is coming up, right?)

Worried about not being 77th? Just join, invite a bunch of friends, then around 70, unjoin and rejoin...hey, the book is about smart life loopholes, why would I discourage them?

-Write me a review! The first person to email me (goldNboi7@gmail.com) and pinky swear not to Napster my shit can read the full digital copy for free, as long as they can write me a review and post it to a major bookstore site (or your own) within a week! Hey, the holidays are coming up...you know you're gonna be sitting around on the computer not doing shit anyway.

-Spread the word! If you can somehow get 5 friends to buy my book (have them enter your name in the "special instructions" field on the Paypal form, you get either a free copy of the book or a refund if you bought the book already...trust me, that's the only way you're getting one. :p

There will be more where that came from (if, IF, I can move a few more paid copies) but they only way to stay up on that is to check out the fanpage. I know there are some strings attached, but that's only because my fate is directly connected to your participation, ya know? I can't afford an ad campaign or a street team...so guess what you guys are now? Thanks in advance for spreading the word, even if I had to bribe you after all we've been through together. Help me help you help me help you help me!

Aight, umf'ers and f.u.c.k. scouts...to everyone who has already supported me with a purchase, a review, a *like*, a retweet, or even some interest...from the bottom of my heart, thank you. For those who haven't and ain't considering it...well, fuck you (no title pun). Well, if you'll excuse me, I've got some books to deliver around the office...I am not carrying all these home.

*unclips mic*