*fittedwearer's note: I know I've been gone for a minute, but now that I'm done with "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life", you can take this post as a full-time return to umf and my posting and infotainment duties thereof. I'm a little rusty writing things with less than 50,000 words after 2 months spent writing a 200-page book and feature film, but in light of recent events, I'm giving it a shot.
You see, Monday night while I was not watching Monday Night Football (hey, give me some better matchups and I'll tune in...I ain't spending 3 hours watching the Browns and Jaguars battle to a 3-3 tie AND and hour watching the same Geico commercial) I got an unexpected knock on on my door. I wasn't really expecting company, but I was pretty drunk as I had spent the whole day kissing cans of beer instead of going to work...so I figured, fuck it.Imagine my surprise when I opened the front door of my apartment and found myself staring into the face of the quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys and (for some reason) my current favorite football player, Tony Romo.
It was the day after a rough outing against the Eagles, and I gotta say it was one of the few times I didn't feel like seeing any Cowboy's face until Tuesday around 11am when I check BTB, but since I unfortunately live in the city of Philadelphia, I knew old Tony was in trouble if somebody spotted him standing in front of my door in a trenchcoat, cleats, and a rain hat over his helmet...so I invited him in for a a quick chat. It was a pretty interesting conversation, and that's why I'll share it with you now.
*AJ hears knock on door*
AJ: Huh? Who the hell is that?
*AJ gets up and heads for door*
AJ: I'm not giving out any candy to these kids...their parents are probably Eagle fans. I swear if it's another one of those damn birdwatchers come to give me shit about last night, I'm gonna put a ho--
*AJ opens door, sees Tony Romo*
AJ: --ly shit, it's Tony Ro--mmff!!!
*Tony puts hand over AJ's mouth*
TR: SHH! You know who I am, I know who you are...just keep it down, man...you trying to get me killed in this city?!
AJ: (muffled) ...again?
TR: *rueful smirk* Yeah, you're AJ all right. Jerry told me all about you.
AJ: Jerry? You mean...*remembers* Jerry Jones? Damn, he remembered that conversation?
TR: Sure, man. He told me all about it.
*Tony lets AJ's mouth go, AJ lets Tony in, closes door, Tony takes off helmet then hat and sits down on couch*
TR: Yeah...Jerry told me to come talk to you...he said your chat with him really helped out. Convinced him to fire Wade a week later.
AJ: Wow, I'm not going to admit how proud I am of that...but wait, how the fuck did you get my address when I met Jerry in a cheesesteak shop and never gave it to him?
TR: Dude, do you have any idea how much Cowboys merchandise you buy from the team website? I mean, you have a stained glass Cowboys lamp. I'm pretty sure Jerry can find your address if he wants. In fact, he's sending a ride here now to pick me up in a while.
AJ: Fair. Anyway, ain't you supposed to be on your way back to Dallas to play the Seahawks? I know I wouldn't still be here if I had a choice.
TR: Man... *sigh* I don't know, I just decided to hang around here for a few days and wonder where I went wrong.
AJ: Is that why you still have your entire uniform on?
TR: Well, no...we football players always walk around in full uniform. Haven't you ever seen a commercial?
AJ: Uh...ok. Um...I would offer you a drink, but all I have is these cheap beers.
TR: Dude, I went to Eastern Illinois. Do you know where that is?
TR: Neither do I! Nobody does! There wasn't anything to do BUT drink cheap beer and play football.
AJ: *laughs* All right...you got it.
*AJ gets another beer from fridge, comes back*
AJ: Anyway, not that you're not welcome...Romophobia is not condoned in this household...but what are you doing here?
TR: Like I said, Jerry said you could maybe help me out. I mean...that game on Sunday was just so depressing. We thought we were a pretty good team after last week then got treated like Madden on rookie level last night. I just don't get it, man. I have no idea what to expect from week to week.
AJ: Guess that makes 2 of us.
TR: Yeah, I do kinda feel bad for you guys...I know my career has shortened your lives a bit.
AJ: You have no fucking idea. Anyway, what was with that display? You didn't look comfortable, you didn't hit Dez or Miles after warmups, you looked kind of pissed off all night, and I'm pretty sure even if the Eagles defense had left the field we would have had to convert a third down to score...I've been a fan of yours for a while and I can tell when you're not right. What's up?
TR: WHAT?! You're pinning this on ME? I have a BROKEN FUCKING RIB and I go out there and compete on a high level to give my team a chance to win every game I pull a 9 over my head, and this is the thanks I get?
TR: How the hell am I supposed to get the ball down the field when I don't even get a Mississippi to throw? I'm not going deep without protection...football, condoms, it's never a good idea!
AJ: I know.
TR: I know you know!
AJ: Damn sure do...but, Tony...
TR: Why is everybody always on me? It's not even like I can set the story straight, if I tell the media the reason we lost last night is because we insist on keeping an autistic backup tight end with hands harder than his head or because our starting linebacker would be faster on a Segway and not really because of anything I did, I'm throwing people under the bus. Hell, at least if they're under it, they're off it...they never did that last night.
AJ: Tony, I...
TR: And another thing! What the fuck difference does it make what direction my hat faces? Okay, it's backwards, but so are you for worrying about it. At least I can turn my hat around.
AJ: Whoa, whoa, Tony...friendly fire!
TR: *sigh, puts head in hands* I know...I know...I'm just so sick of it. So sick of it all. Cowboys fans hate me, non-Cowboys fans hate me even more...sometimes, I'm not sure I don't hate me.
TR: I go out and put up top QB stats every year I can throw a damn ball and all I hear is how I much I suck, the same rhyming name jokes I've been hearing since I got my last name, and about that FUCKING FUMBLE 5 YEARS AGO! I--I just... *Tony breaks down, begins to weep*
*AJ puts a hand on Tony's shoulder pad*
AJ: Hey...hey...I barely even remember that fumble...
TR: *still sobbing* Yes you do! You even said you wanted to punch me in the stomach for it a couple weeks ago in one of your videos!
AJ: How did you...
TR: Jerry told me!
*Tony continues to cry*
AJ: Oh...well, I can't do it now...might hurt your ribs or my hand on that Kevlar and I don't want to do either.
TR: I try so hard and I just wanna... *blubbers*
AJ: C'mon, now...
TR: *waterworks still on* ZubbabubbablblblblAAAAAH!!!!
AJ: Aight, that is just about ENOUGH!
*AJ smacks Tony diagonally across the face, Tony looks up, stunned*
AJ: Now listen up. ESPN can say whatever they want about you, but dammit, any Cowboys fan with the sense they were conceived with knows that there are 20+ teams that would GLADLY take you over what they have. Sure, you're a bit frustrating at times because you kinda do dumb shit occasionally, but the reason we get so upset at you is because WE KNOW how good you can be and we HATE appearing wrong about it.
TR: You're just saying that to be nice...
AJ: Trust me, I'm not a nice guy. I told anybody who would listen that Vinny Testaverde sucked. I still would punch Drew Bledsoe on sight. Hell, I planted coke in Quincy Carter's locker! Trust me, if I didn't believe in you, I damn sure wouldn't say so.
AJ: We know with you we're never quite out of any game until we need more points than we have seconds left...but sometimes the other team is never out of it until quad-0 either. If you can turn that shit off, we will praise you like you figured out women. Don't you see that? You're not the only quarterback to fumble away a game...I have a feeling you won't even be the only one tonight with that douche Rivers playing.
TR: Hey...hey, yeah! I don't suck that bad, do I?
AJ: Not even close.
TR: So...so you guys still believe in me?
AJ: Damn right. Those of us who actually watch the games, that is.
TR: You'd rather have me than Rivers?
TR: Than Vick?
AJ: Vick is a POS. Fuck him.
TR: Yeah, he kind of is! You know what AJ, Jerry was right about you! I can do this!
AJ: You bet your ass you can! Now get out of here and go take it out on a different set of birds!
AJ: Sweet. Aight, lemme walk you downstairs.
*AJ and Tony walk downstairs, get outside, stand in front of home*
TR: Well, it was good meeting you, AJ.
AJ: Right back at you, T9.
*silver stretch limo-tank with blue star pulls up at corner, honks*
TR: Welp, that's my ride. I'm heading back to Dallas to try and turn this thing around.
AJ: That's the spirit, Tony...we ain't done yet.
*Eagles fan appears, spots Tony*
Eagles fan: Hey! Tony! Tony Homooooooooo! You ain't got nothing! You suck, butterfingers! How bout them Cowboys! E-E-G-E-L! FLYYYYYY, EAGLES, FLYYYYYYYY....
TR: Is this how they always are?
AJ: All the fucking time...
TR: Wow...no wonder everybody hates them. I'm sorry you have to live here.
AJ: Yeah, me too. Hopefully not for long.
TR: Heh...thanks again, AJ.
Eagles fan: YO TONY! How's Jessica? Bwahahahaha! Kicked your ass, yes we did! Great part is we never have to play you guys again! Dream Team, bitch! FLY, EAGLES, FLYYYYYY...
AJ: Hey, Tony....before you go, could you do me a favor?
TR: I think I know what it is...
*Tony reaches behind back, cartoonishly produces football*
TR: Hey kid...catch.
*fires at head of Eagles' fan*
Eagles fan: E-A-G-oof!
*football hits Eagles fan's face with extreme velocity, causing his face to fold in on itself like a vagina and teeth to fly out the back of his head, Tony leaps around wildly in celebration*
AJ: You're my hero, Tony.
TR: Thanks, AJ. Okay, gotta go man...go Cowboys!
*Tony heads to vehicle, gets in*
AJ: Yeah...go Cowboys!
*limo-tank pulls off*
AJ: Man, that was cool. Nobody's ever going to believe this...
*AJ hears sirens in distance, looks back at Eagles fan still on ground with football imbedded in face with blood leaking around it, AJ hears sirens come closer*
AJ: Oh shit, nobody's ever going to believe this!
*AJ scurries back inside to avoid wrongful arrest for hate crime and wait for Sunday*