(things went way) Left in Twentyleven

What's good umf'ers? I know I've been kinda spasmodic with the posts lately, but I have legitimate reasons (well, the technical "legitimacy" of one particular item is debatable, but whatever) for falling off of this a little bit. You see, over the last few months my life has undergone a number of changes, some good, some bad, some with an impact to be determined...but there's been a whole fuck of a lot of them this year.

Of course, with change comes the necessity to leave certain things behind, and although I've never been the biggest fan of all the "new year, new me" type bullshit that people like to spout around this time (the only people that say "wait 'til next year!" more than people on Facebook are Chicago Cubs fans...after the second week of January most people will be doing the same ass-backwards shit they've been doing since they could eat free at chain restaurants nationwide) I find that a lot of these events conveniently sync up with the end of the calendar year, and I really don't have a choice but to leave a few things in twentyleven as some of us eagerly anticipate the upcoming new year.

Some of these are things that have just been on my back for a while, some are things that I'm better served by getting rid of, some are as comfortable and familiar as the Cowboys sweatshirt I'm wearing right now. (I'm keeping that though. You'll take my skin before you take my last piece of 'Boys apparel...literally.) Regardless, now's kinda the time for them to go...most things in life have an expiration date, and one thing I learned this year is that mine is no different.

Usually approaching New Years', I prepare an obscenely long list of things I learned the year past...but since I've learned more this year than can fit in this post (especially since I'm only at work until 1), I'm gonna go with a short list of the things that won't make it to twentytwelve with me. Well...short in a writing sense. In reality, it may be the longest thing I've ever typed with my index fingers one key at a time. Aight, I'm rambling, let's get this over with.

That wallet- Once a pretty sharp navy blue Ralph Lauren piece with pony print received as a Christmas gift some years back, it is now a piece of shit with a pattern vaguely resembling a Navajo sand painting. It has served me well over the last...however long I had it...but it's long past time for it to go. (As for what caused the delay, I know I needed a new one a while ago, but moving wallets is a miniature version of moving homes, and we all know how stressful that can be. I could just never commit to a day.) Also being left in this year are those 2 fossilized coupons for free Whoppers I got at a Harlem Globetrotter game in 2006. If it takes you 6 years to eat fast food, it kind of defeats the whole purpose.

My amateur writer status- Now that over 200 copies of "FfYL" are out there in the world and I've made enough money to be less broke, I guess I've turned pro. At least, that's what the IRS will tell me...that's good enough.

My hopes of winning that screenwriting competition- Yeah, I got eliminated. It kinda sucks, but it beats just being in the dark for 4 months wondering what the fuck happened to my $65. Getting more spam than competition updates from a pro contest kind of dampens the whole spirit of anticipation. Hell, I almost wanted to be eliminated so I could just stop getting emails period. It's cool, I'm starting the next one next week...

My careful compartmentalization of my life from my parents- You know that part in the Wizard of Oz when they pull back the sheet and reveal the huge, loud and abrasive talking head as a normal guy? Having my parents find out about this side of my life (hi, if you two are reading this!) was like that in reverse. Oh well, at least I can throw out those eyedrops. Besides, it's kinda pointless to hide anything from them now because the last thing I'm going to have to leave in this year...

My non-parental status- Yup, that's right. I guess all those jokes about kids and the people who spawn them have finally caught up to me (let's hope the ones about everything else are slower). If you know me or read me, you know what kind of parent I could be...doesn't mean I have to like it. I'm looking forward to it about as much as my first prostate exam, but people tell me that I'll be possessed by some magical force compelling me to be there with a smile at some point, so I'm just kinda gonna wait on that to happen. (Of course, I'd smile more if the last time I had sex wasn't what got me into this mess, but that's another post entirely.)

As can be expected, I'm kinda fucked up about the whole thing right now (it shows I care) but...well, but nothing. It'll be over by March, however, and I'm just looking forward to getting this whole unpleasantness out of the way so I can serve my sentence. If you're curious about mom, she's doing just great and has been happier than Tickle-Me Elmo for the past 6 months, so you can forward all your congratulations to her. I only accept 'em for things I do intentionally. Hey, at least I get to write another book about it now, right? Could be worse...could be a girl.

Well, I'm about out of time on this workday and year, so I'm going to skip all the sentimental shit and go get drunk. For those who still check this reasonably often, I want to let you know I appreciate it and I'll definitely make an effort to try and keep umf (and myself) more alive than in recent times. I love you guys...I couldn't leave you in this year if I wanted to...and I don't. Happy new year, umf!