1.31.2011

The College Dropout

So I was on the phone with my pop the other day (I don't talk about him as much as my mommy, but he at least got a post on here) when a conversation that is inevitable for many young adults like myself came up, the one that begins: "So...when are you going back to school?". Yup, that's right...the mind behind umf is that of a college dropout. It's a dark, shameful secret that has plagued me for about 5 years now (mostly because my parents keep bringing it up). It got me to thinking to how I ended up in this position in life.

I wasn't always this way. A long time ago in a galaxy far, far, away known as Baltimore, I did 2 semesters at Morgan State University. I learned a lot there (very little in the classroom) but one thing I learned is that college is not for everybody. In fact, it's barely for anybody.

Think about it...you take people of wildly varying emotional maturity, shove them all into a dorm together, let them make their own schedules by choosing from a litany of classes they will likely never see or use again, put every possible distraction at arm's reach, and then put a 4-year shot clock on their complete assimilation into polite society (and relieve their parents of about $100,000 in the process...my parents should be happy I saved them about 3/4 of that). If you manage to survive this somehow, your reward is a piece of paper saying that you are smarter than other people (that and crippling debt...it's like a rite of passage to adulthood) ...more or less, it's high school with more sleepovers.

Naturally, this did not work out for me. There I was, 17 years old, endowed with freedoms previously unthinkable to me and simultantiously charged with navigating the direction of the rest of my life. You can imagine which concept held more interest for me. I never decided on a major (how the fuck am I supposed to know what I want to do for the rest of my life before I've even had a chance to do anything?), was consistently late for or absent from my early classes (thought since I got up for high school at 8 it would work in college...lol...), took advantage of any and all distractions (like a responsible American) and learned next to nothing in the classes I did show up to (because it all fell into Category A: "Shit I already learned in high school or just know since I read books and have the internet" or Category B: "Shit I don't give a flying fuck about, Advanced Level"). By years' end, the novelty had worn off. Since TV and movies tell me that I should love college for every second I'm there, I began to wonder if I really belonged there.

Freshman (and only) year came and went, and I had a summer to reflect on my college experience. Did I have fun? Yes. Did I think it was a place that would yield a productive 4 years for me? Absolutely not. See, college, like high school, runs on the premise that you don't know a damn thing until they say you do. For a place with a strong reputation for free thought and intellectual growth, it sure insists on you doing things its way. We now know that not everyone learns the same things the same way (and some don't learn a damn thing besides "it's better to cheat than repeat"...if you can copy and paste your way to a diploma, what does that say about the legitimacy of it as a indicator of intelligence?) but college follows the flawed platform set forth for the 12 years preceding it...that as long as you pass the test by writing the correct answer down, you will retain what you have written down beyond the test because...uh...because.

In the midst of all the characterizations of college as a incubator for eager young minds and all that shit, people forget what a college actually is...it's a business. They're in the business of selling you as many overpriced books, impossibly irrelevant electives, and $70 team sweatshirts as possible. Whether you actually learn anything depends on what you didn't know in the first place...which, if you deserved to pass high school, isn't much.

Hell, I believe just about any major could be achieved with a year of focused classes just like those commercials they play on daytime TV, (for criminal justice, bookkeeping, clerical work, nurse practitioner, paralegal, or even get your GED!) but if they only sold you the classes you needed, you would only spend 6 months there and not have to sell your body to pay your student loans back.

That being typed, i actually did pretty okay in my 1 year of college...I got the same uninterested, no-effort B's and C's that defined me as a student throughout my educational career. I decided that if I couldn't get anything more out of it than in the last 12 years I wasted learning a bunch of useless bullshit, then there was no point wasting my time with it. It just wasn't for me. I never went back. For the next 5 years or so (including right this minute) I drifted through life, bouncing from job to job. I worked at UPS, I sold sneakers, worked at the airport for a couple months, and eventually one day got on Craigslist and found my current job (true story!) hoping one day to find out what I actually wanted to do with my life, deciding on my own, and being fine with not knowing for now.

Of course, my parents had a harder time with this than I did, and this brings me back to my conversation with my pop. He wondered aloud whether I was going to stay in this dead-end job forever. It's understandable...he came from a time where you either went to college or worked in some steel mill (diner for the ladies) forever. Seeing that I did not return to school, he envisioned me chained to a fast-food cash register wearing no shirt, whip marks, and a paper hat dreaming of the one day in like 10 years when I would be promoted to the drive thru.

When I first made my decision, they seemed kind of ashamed, to be honest...when people asked them at parties what their son was doing since high school, I'm pretty sure they told them I was killed in Iraq or something.I'm just kidding (I hope), but there is some truth to it...there is a stigma attached to people like me...lazy, stupid, uninspired, unmotivated, useless, lacking potential...less than half of that is true. In fact, quite the contrary.

I'm not lazy, I'm selective with my energies and don't use them for things that don't interest me. I'm not stupid, I'm just too smart to let anybody else tell me what to do with my life, whether they never went to school a day in their life or have more degrees than a bird flu patient. I'm not uninspired, in fact I'm so inspired, no classroom can hold my passion. I'm not unmotivated...showing people I can do it my way and do it better is all the motivation I need in life. I'm not useless, I just haven't figured out what I'm for yet and don't pretend to know. I don't lack potential...I think mine is near-infinite, and that's why I refuse to choose my path until I've seen all the options (and maybe made a few up). As usual, the traditonal way of doing things and the AJ way of doing things ain't even 3rd cousins. So yeah...fuckit...I don't know what I want to do with my life...I'm a college dropout, and I'm cool with that. (Now if only I could tell my parents that...lol).

1.27.2011

"FfYL" Full Penetration Discourse- Part III, Chapter 4: (f.u.c.k.)- Social Networking Mutations

 

*fittedwearer's note: You might be familiar with my first book, entitled "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". You might even know about the chapter previews of said book I have around here I affectionately refer to as "FfYL Quickies"

What you might not be aware of is that many of the chapters in the book were ported directly from umf...I polished 'em up a bit, of course...there's a big gap between lunchtime ramblings and book chapter...but the source material cannot be denied. 

However, the purpose of me typing all this is to let y'all know how much I love umf'ers. Clearly I do, because what I'm doing now is giving you what pretty much amounts to an album cut of these old umf posts. They're actual chapters from "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge", and I share them with you in the hopes that you'll like 'em enough to support me anyway...or maybe just read the damn thing, period. 

Anyway, since I've decided to go all the way in on these select chapters, they will be hereby known as "Full Penetration Discourse", as opposed to the half-chapter "Quickies". Tee-hee. 

Aight, here we go...today's is from part I, "For your Social Networking", and goes by the name (f.u.c.k.)- the Social Networking Mutations. Peep:

Chapter 4: (f.u.c.k.)- Social Networking Mutations

Now that you know what kinds of pictures exist on social networks to represent people, it's time to learn a bit more about the people represented in them. If you're new to social networking or are one of the 5 people in developed countries who have still never experienced it, you may wonder just what kind of person finds entertainment in such a thing.

As it turns out, the answer to that question is more complicated than once thought.

What some call a majority of people have had the DNA of their personality permanently altered by the radiation (of one's consciousness, one update at a time) that comes from social networking.

You see, over a very long period performing research on different social networks, I have been able to discover and distinguish many mutations to otherwise normal personalities brought on by social networking, and the platform for personal exposure it presents.

Of course, there are many users of social services which have seen them unmutated as a result. These are still normal people, and comport themselves as such, selectively sharing their day-to-day activities and musings and interacting with old friends/friends who they don't feel like regularly seeing in person any more.
However, there is a much more interesting subset of social networkers that we will discuss in these next few pages: the mutants.  

You're familiar with some of these mutations without even being aware of it. Every time you see someone online that is only vaguely similar to the version of them that existed before social networking, you have encountered such a mutation among the people you know personally.

These mutations are as varied as the people that carry them, but they do tend to follow certain patterns based on which attributes of the person are affected by the mutation.

When this effect is active, it can cause the total rewriting of their personagenetic code, causing them act all brand-ass new and evolve (or devolve) into a different species entirely.

Below is a list of these species and the behaviors they exhibit, in the hopes that you can identify mutations in your friends--or yourself-- in time to make them aware of the process and potentially reverse it. Without further introbation, I present the guide to Social Networking Mutations.

Live Journalist (updatus tedious)- If you're unfamiliar with social networking, this may be the image your mind conjures when you hear the word "social networking".
This mutant is addicted to the experience of sharing their life experiences with a couple hundred of his best friends with the severity of a veteran heroin user. As a result, it is constantly signed on, sharing every minute event that transpires in their existence in excruciating detail.

The nature of their mutation makes them among the most frequent posters, yet a side effect is that they tend to have the least original content of interest to anyone that doesn't know their password. Mutants of this type distinguish themselves through their inanity, apparent stagnation, and general lack of anything compelling to type.

What IS interesting is watching one in real life…standing in the middle of the sidewalks updating, holding up lines telling their friends the line is too long, making the train late by falling into the tracks while typing…they’re often so busy trying to share their own experiences online, they end up fucking everybody else’s up.

Common Updates: "I'm awake, good morning! ", "I'm on my way to the store", "I'm back from the store ", "I'm sitting on the porch", "I'm going to bed, good night!"


Quote Machine (tweetus repeatus)- The curse of this mutation is that it leaves those who contract it with a lot to say, and yet so little on its own mind.
It has, however, figured out how to bridge the gap between their number of pertinent thoughts and the status update quota that now dictates its behavior: it can still express its individuality purely through the words of others.

The purpose behind making sure everything that was ever said is said at least twice is unlear, but it's possible that part of the mutation is an irresistible compulsion to ensure nobody ever forgets that people said these things. Movie quotes? You got it. Song lyrics? All day every day. Polly want a cracker? Squawk. Pretty much everyone uses quotes...this person is them.

Common Updates: Whatever somebody else said.

Google Genius (savantus rex)This mutation is remarkably similar to the Quote Machine, but the difference is that this mutation causes a compulsion to share things one is not actually familiar with, making the subject very prone to anal pontifications. 

It causes a person to develop a need to prove that they are wise and insightful as long as they're online. Unfortunately, it does not augment their skill at original thought in the least. Luckily for these mutants, the omnipotent being known as Google is there to act as their mouthpiece.

It doesn't matter that the person might be dumber than a bag of dicks in real life, thanks to the internet and the infinite information contained within, they can amuse and bemuse their friends with their worldly and learned pontifications. If Google ever opened a college, these people would enter the first semester with 24 credits to transfer in.

It's a bit akin to listening to a 4 year old babble nonsense all day, and then having it begin to quote Shakespeare later in the day after it's been watching TV for a while...you never have to have seen "King Lear" to know there is no way in HELL...

Common Updates:  Quotes from books it has never read, profound observations that it cannot comprehend, and other examples that the things it posts are for everyone else's education but their own.

Facebook Smut/Twitpic Tart (internettus promiscuous)- This is another common type of mutant. This mutant is afflicted by an insatiable craving for one thing and one thing only: attention.

Unfortunately, its mutation has done nothing to enhance most areas of their personality that would merit any extended attention. However, as anyone who has been launched to fame by a sex tape knows, sexuality is a serviceable substitute for anything else interesting.

Thus, it posts a near-constant stream of provocative pictures and status updates to attract the attention of the opposite sex, often appearing to publicly entertaining their advances to the delight of those who provoke it. However, assuming it is actually as sluttacular as it seems, can be a grave miscalculation.

You see, although all of its words and actions point to that of a real life cocksheath, any accusation of such activity will be met with a quick claim of "not being like that" and a disproportionately indignant wondering of where one would even get that.

Common Updates: "My bed is so cold tonight, I need somebody to cum over and keep me company :)", "Ooh I'm looking to lick some crotch tonight...jk...but not really", "Damn I need some *insert graphic sex euphemism here*", "I don't know where people get the idea that I'm all about sex from, but I am a lady/gentleman!"


Party Beast (infinitum socialae)- This mutant is able to lead a very active life, not just in spite of their mutation, but possibly because of it. They are always out and active at some kind of social gathering, to points that can push the boundaries of practicality.

If their status updates are to be believed, this mutant can most often be found out partying. Many choose to do so in the same club every weekend (or even every day in extreme cases) and if their life as presented to their peers through its updates is rooted in truth they do little else.

This mutation can be most readily observed in young adults, but can also be found in increasing numbers of older people who only recently stopped getting the "aren't you a little old for Facebook"-type questions in favor of "aren't you a little old to be on Facebook holding 2 drinks on a barstool while the cameraman takes a blatant upskirt pic you were too drunk to notice?"-type questions with the continued advent of the social networking age.

Eschewing activities such as work and school in pursuit of the party can be busy work, and some of these mutants have literally no life before or after last call at the bar. They often spend their days on Facebook as Live Journalists.

Common Updates: "It's 3am on Friday, got off a hard day of work...we fucked up!", "Its 2am on Saturday and the club is rockin'! We trashed!", "It's 2am on Sunday, we in the club, I'm calling out tomorrow...we wasted!", "...why the same people be in the club every weekend? smh..."


Party Promoter (jubilee pied piperus)-This person serves a single purpose on a social network...to tell us where the party at, whether we asked or not. They rarely make any communications that don't have to do with their parties. This mutation causes deep-seated urges to inform you every available way at every available opportunity that there's a party and you're invited.
Does it matter that you only went to one of the parties that one time when your friends dragged you...and it sucked? Does it matter whether it knows the recipients of its incessant invitations? Does it matter that you denied his requests, deleted him as a friend, blocked his messages and are having a restraining order drawn up? Hell fuckin' no...don't be tardy for the party!

Common Status Update: BRING THAT ASS TO THE *insert currently popular radio song here*- PARTY BASH EXTRAVAGANZA THIS FRIDAY YO ITS GOING DOWN LADIES FREE BEFORE 9 ONLY $20 AFTER THAT, FELLAS YOU IN FOR $35 DOWN PAYMENT AND $ 5 A HOUR, WE GOT DRINK SPECIALS $12 BEER MADNESS AND $10 CIROC SHOTS ALL NIGHT, DRESS IS GROWN AND SOMEWHAT PRESENTABLE WE GETTIN IT IN IF YOU DON'T SHOW UP YOU GAY AWW YEAH!

Living Jukebox (deejayus amateuri)- If you like the music this variety of mutant posts...constantly...then this mutation isn't too hard a transition for you to bear in your friend at all. For the other 80% of its friends, it's kind of annoying.

When this person mutated, they discovered the only elixir for their affliction was YouTube music videos. Furthermore, they believe we all suffer from similar health issues and want to be proactive about the potential epidemic by mainlining their friendslists with top 40 hits. At least, that's the best explanation I can come up with for why they feel the need to do that.

Common Updates: "OMG remember this song?! *posts video for song from late 90's*", "OMG remember this song?! *posts video for song from early 70's*", "OMG remember this song? *posts video for song they still play 5x an hour on MTV and is on the radio right now as I type*"

Internet Insomniac (slumberus desertus)- As an unfortunate result of it's mutation, this formerly normal person can. not. sleep. Ever. They close their eyes for a while sometimes, but their paralyzing fear that they will miss an unknown event online quickly snaps them open like a bucket of ice water to the face.

What they did with their late nights before the internet is unclear (maybe sleep), but what they do now is what you can see in the morning when its picture is one of the only 2 or 3 repeated multiple times in the overnight hours.

Common Updates: "I'm up and soooooo bored", "I know I need to go to work in the morning, but I'm up on Facebook, what's up?", "Why isn't anybody else up? Its only 3 in the morning!"

Workout Warrior (Citius Altius Fortius)- This mutation causes a person to have an irresistible urge for physical self-improvement...or at least looking like it has one to all its friends.

Most of this person's communications are to make the people they know aware of the fact that they've been involved in strenuous activity of some kind. Although many mutants of this type are legitimately working towards some kind of fitness goal and should be encouraged in their efforts, many of the most interesting examples of this mutation are people that you know haven't seen the inside of a gym since dodgeball week in high school.

Common Updates: "Just hit 20 laps in the pool, feeling great!", "Nothing like a nice 10k run at 5AM to get the day started", "Anybody want to come help me with my deodorant? My muscles make it hard to reach under my arms."

Faceballer (wealthius falsii)- This mutation could be summed up thusly: "delusions of grandeur". Not satisfied with deluding themselves, they also gain a desire to share the best of their fine, fictional life with everyone they know on the internet.

To let this person tell the story, they could stand on their wallet and see over your house. They somehow have enormous sums of cash, designer clothes, and a car imported from somewhere besides Detroit, all of which they are only too happy to take pictures of to share with their friends.

The fact that it lives at home, has a kid it doesn't take care of, is up to its taint in debt, or is involved with whatever dubious dealings are behind the rented splendor that is its life is something only some of their friends know...but it will devote its last breath to fooling the rest. Commonly, they can be seen with a picture of themselves holding a giant wad of money...usually a cashed government check of some kind.

This is a person you cannot take at face value, but their Facebook value is off the charts.

Common Updates: "Just copped that new _______", "Can't wait for that good tax refund", assorted money-related song lyrics

The Motivator (flamae subrectus)- This person's mutation can be either a breath of fresh air or an entirely unwelcome annoyance, depending on one's temperament and current state of mind. It causes them to have an upbeat and positive outlook on life that they can share with all their friends in the hopes that they can share a similar mindset.

Unfortunately, a side effect of this mutation is a complete ignorance of the fact that sometimes life just sucks and nobody wants to hear that shit. If a social network was an office building, this person would be the person who hops on the elevator beaming and chirping happily at 7:30 Monday (and every other) morning.
Resist the urge to get upset at the offending mutant...it means well, promise.

Common Updates: : "Every day one wakes up is a good one", "Somebody's life is always worse than yours", "When life gives you lemons, make margaritas."

E-vangelist (sanctus temporali)- This mutation only manifests itself one day a week, but this transience is what makes its mutation all the more galling for friends. 52-55 days a year, it will do everything in their posting power to make you believe that they're the most God-fearing, bible-thumping, scripture-posting folk anybody would hope to meet (or avoid).

Conversely, the rest of the time it is just as big a degenerate as anyone else...in many cases even more. In some cases, you can see the mutation in its status updates literally overnight...a recap of a Saturday that would make Mary Magdelene blush will give way to quotes from the good book as soon as Sunday rolls around.  

A fascinating transformation indeed, but it can kind of make you wish that on the seventh day, it would give that bullshit a rest.

Common Updates: "Letting go and letting God...for the next 18 hours or so", "Giving Him all the glory until 12:01", "Anybody near the brothel and wanna give me a ride to church?"


Ghostbooker (regardi ensilencio)- This mutation causes an odd shift in how a person uses a friendsite...indeed, it mutates into an antisocial networker. Watching silently from afar as their friends’ e-lives unfold in front of them, they are the proverbial fly on the wall.

In fact, the only way you would ever know it had ever an networking account at all is that you vaguely remember accepting it a long time ago, and every so often it will comment on your status the next time it sees you in real life.

Common Status Updates: N/A

Sit-Down Comic (facetious amateuri)- Somewhere along the line, this person got the idea that they were funny and took it upon themselves to be the court jester in the kingdom of social networking. This may or may not be its calling in life, but its mutation makes it impossible to tell it otherwise.

If this mutant is good at what it does, it runs one of the most entertaining profiles in its network. If not, that's still the case...the laughing just goes from "with", skips "at" and settles somewhere around "in spite of". This mutation in and of itself is not at all a bad thing, except for those who have all the inclination and none of the talent. Some of these mutants go on to write smartass books about all their friends.

Common Updates: Pop-culture jokes, political commentary, and general absurdity are par for the course with this person...unless they're no good at it, and then every joke is a triple bogey.

Internet Gangsta (wankstus hilariosi) - One of the more infamous mutations, the most visible effect is a chemical imbalance that causes an irresistible compulsion to prove it is the baddest mofo on any of the internets. It will share often fabricated tales of illicit dealings and overall badassness, even though most of the people who actually perpetrate such acts are smart enough not to share it on the same internet the police browse. 

Any attempts to question the validity of its claims will be met with vulgarity and threats of violence (the viability of which often depends on whether they're allowed out after 10:00). Any perceived slight will result in an angry allcaps retort which may be as long as 500 words without using more than 11 different ones.

In lieu of original thoughts or insight, neither of which are gangsta, it prefers to share violent rap lyrics, as it feels a connection to the rappers, who also take liberties with reality in their songs.

On the rare occasion it does have something of its own to say, it's usually a vague, subliminal message towards someone they feel has wronged them on the internet or in real life. Oddly enough, it discourages the same actions in others, terming it "that fraud ass bitch shit", among other charming colloquialisms.

Overall, this variety of mutant offers some of the most interesting and comedic experiences to be had on a social network.

Common Updates: "I'm gettin this dirty money like Diddy", "bout to flip this stanky pack and ride out cold janky with all my bizzinatches", "I got heat for anybody who wanna come all up on my timeline disrespecting me!"


Mouse Potato (ennui adnauseum)- One of the more unfortunate mutations to come out of the social networking phenomenon, this mutation causes a drastic change in the way that they see life when they're not online. Where they once found enjoyment in the day-to-day bullshit that comprises most of our daily lives, they are now incapable of this. As a result, they're ALWAYS bored.

No matter what time of day, week, month, or year, no matter what responsibilities they may have, they will be bored. Ironically, the last bastion of any sort of entertainment for persons mutated this way is telling people that they're bored on social networks.

Common Updates: "I'm bored", "I'm super bored", "Somebody call/text me, I'm bored"

Tweetsyncers (postus duplicati)- This mutation is one of the most common, and yet most annoying. You see, they are members of multiple social networks, prominently Twitter. However, as the mutation progresses, it feels more and more that if any of the 5 friends that they only have on one network will be adversely affected if they miss even one of their bits of manna from status update heaven.

Whether these 5 or so folk experience any benefit from this is unclear, but what is clear is who suffers...the other 300+ who overlap.

You see, this mutation gives a person what seems to some a blessing, but to most a curse...whenever they say something anywhere, it is seen everywhere. This would be minimally problematic if not for the vastly varying styles of social networks such as Facebook and Twitter.

Imagine being at a casual dinner party eating fine cheeses from a tray while calmly discussing world events, then having a bunch of half-naked glow-stick sucking ravers bust in all hopped up on ecstasy and ready to get loud, get freaky, and dance constantly all night until they crash into a coma of exhaustion. Both parties have their time and place, but never together. You realize this. I realize this. Sadly, people that have experienced this mutation do not.

Common Updates: "Follow me on Twitter @___________", "Follow me on Twitter @_________", "Follow me on Twitter @_________"

Hashtaggers (twittercrestium cui bono)- These mutants have taken the #hashtag function on Twitter that designate certain words as "trending topics", or words and phrases one would like the entire Twitterverse to know that they are discussing and applied it to every piece of text that they produce.

 Not content to leave the stylization where it actually has a purpose, they import this element of twitdom into other social networking sites and text messages where its only use is to look annoying.

At some point, its mutation will progress to the point where it may even attempt to use the function on documents of actual importance to highlight key words on resumes or term papers…or worse, in actual conversation. (Of course, anybody who starts down that path should #killthemselves before it becomes that severe.)

Common Updates: a bunch of semi-readable bullshit peppered with #s


Friendster (requestus panphilia)- This curious mutation causes the afflicted party to radically overhaul its priorities in life. Instead of measuring its quality of life by common factors like personal happiness, career achievement, spiritual faith, or the success of its favorite sports team, it determines how much it has accomplished in life by the number of people it is connected to on social networks.

As a result, it is forced to turn in every possible direction to increase this number, requesting people it does not know, will never meet, are only interested in for mathematical purposes, and may not even like. Mutants of this type often have large networks (despite only being able to name a number of them with less zeroes) ...but few friends.

Common Status Updates: Unless you're one of them too, why did you even accept this guy? What the fuck is wrong with you?

The Lovers (binarii cordis)- This mutation causes a unique effect entirely, causing what formerly consisted of 2 separate people in a relationship to combine into one online entity. This new singularity has many of the qualities of the couple that make it up, and even may have a combined name such as "JohnNJane Marian" or "RicharDenise Chesterfield".

Ordinarily, the fusion is just a symbol of the couple's offline closeness, but it's invariably humorous to see such couples dissolve, especially as a result of an argument involving a single account appearing to argue with itself.

Common Updates: "we love each other soooo much", "we're going out to dinner tonight", other sickeningly saccharine displays of loverdom.

News Breakers (reportus immediamente)- This mutation causes the subject to become incredibly perceptive of any and all newsworthy events, and what's more, urges them to ensure their friends are abreast of pop culture happenings, news articles, and world events.

Depending on whether you wanted the information yet or not, they can either be an indispensable resource for an event you're currently missing or a damnable plague upon your life as it regards games/movies/shows you have not yet watched.

Common Status Updates: Whatever's happening...right now!


Profile Diva (shittius nonstinkum)- This mutation, common to females, gives the mutant the sense that it is one of the single most attractive and wonderful people to ever touch both feet to our planet.

Whether this is true or not is not as important as the fact that it believes that it's true with the same conviction you believe that's air you're breathing right now. Every word from their keyboards speaks to their tremendously overinflated ego.

One might wonder how they keep their head all gassed up and running, with it's colossal demand for fuel and oil prices being what they are...wonder no more. It, being an artificial fa├žade, runs on artificial gas, often provided by artificial friends.

They also often have stupid, made up "middle names" commonly involving the words "sexy", "lovely", "fly", "fine", "queen", "bad", and the like. This self-bestowed pseudonym stands as proof of just how special they think they are, even though they are often the only living human who thinks so.

Common Status Updates: "like this if you think I'm pretty", "rate me on a scale from 10-10", "send me those numbers and compliments for the new status game!"


Pity Magnet (seekus empathus)- This kind of mutation can seem like of the saddest things imaginable. Somehow, since the advent of social networking, their life has taken a turn for the worst (and that is not a typo).

Constantly crippled by minor illnesses, subjugated by the harsh realities of the same life most of their friends lead, evaluating aloud the cause of their floundering love life, and sent into spiraling depressions at seemingly random times, it finds solace in telling the internet about each instance...to it, a friendslist is like having a few hundred psychologists on demand. 
Don't worry though, they're not that bad off. They'll be fine once somebody asks what's wrong...in fact, they always were, they just wanted to know someone cared.

Common Status Updates: "I wish I could find a good man", "I can't sleep, I'm so sad and have a lot on my mind", "My tummy hurts, I wish I had a girlfriend", "Nobody loves me, is it because I'm annoying as fuck?", "Why does everyone ignore me?", "Somebody convince me I'm not worthless...3 pages, single space."


Relationship Hopper (amori indecisivus)- This mutation causes the victim to lose all sustained sense of its own romantic desires, causing it to constantly jump in and out of hastily formed relationships, sometimes with the same person every time.

This constant game of Musical Partners may appeal to it, but very few of its friends wish to be taken along for the ride, because if they wanted to keep track of a fucked-up relationship, they'd get in one like a normal person.

It is strongly suggested that people who suffer from this mutation do not need a partner at all...they just don't want to be alone because they can't tolerate themselves, so they should just get a pet and save everybody a lot of trouble.

Common Status Updates: "_______ is in a Relationship!", "_______ is no longer in a Relationship", "________ is "it's Complicated", "_______ is Confused", "________ needs to be Celibate"


Bandwagoner (heyhey meetu)- This mutation causes a victim to be utterly consumed with whatever the people it knows are utterly consumed with. What does this mutant like? Whatever its friends like! That's the only way to get people to like you, right?

For the Bandwagoner, there's no doubt about it. This kind of mutation is similar to that of the Quote Machine, but magnified tenfold. Like a plastic bag in the breeze, it is entirely subject to the constantly changing winds of popularity, and will reflect whatever is popular at the time. As a result, wild but somehow predictable shifts in persona, interests, and activities are often seen.

Common Status Updates: Whatever's hot today.

the Groupie (pathetici trim at maximus)- What's on this person's mind? It's favorite celebrity of course! Its mutation amplifies its natural attachment to a famous person.

Possessing an album full of pictures of the person, scouring and sharing TMZ and like sites to track elements of their lives that their own families may not even know about yet, making mention of any and all public goings-on involving the person, and generally being what one would call a stalker if the person actually knew them.

This mutant makes sure that you are kept abreast of any news involving the celebrity, and any future attendance of an event involving this person will involve a longer lead-up than a Super Bowl pregame show.

In fact, it's safe to say that with the time this person wastes tracking this celebrity life, they could be well on the way to developing a noteworthy skill and living their own.

Common Updates: Anything involving their star of choice.

the Dark Groupie (pathetici irrelevantus)- They say hate is love gone bad, and these mutants exemplify this concept. You see, this person's obsession with a celebrity is such that they actually find this person's social networking page and make disparaging comments about the person's career and achievements as they compare to the commenter's lack thereof.

With the unprecedented access any asshole has to the people we see in the media, there will always be people who want to air out their grievances with people they don't know in front of a lot of other people they don't know. These are mainly insignificant and unfulfilled people who would be quick to decry any similar actions toward them as "hating".

Of course, at worst, any celebrity worth the word will log off and find a pile of money and accolades to cry into...but hey, if the mutant got its soul clean 140 characters at a time, then I guess everybody wins.

Common Updates: This mutant's primary function is not to network...it's more like social harassment.

Costanzas (invertium psychologus)- Much like the famous Seinfeld character, this mutant delights in dispensing advice and instructions that there is virtually no chance that it would apply to its own life.

If one asked them to place their preachings into practice, you might be treated to a famous Allen Iverson sound clip: "Practice? Practice? We talking about practice?!"

Common Updates: If you know this person in real life, just imagine everything they would not actually do, then imagine it in their posting box. You're usually pretty damn close.

Tabloid Princess (omerta autoviolati)- This mutation causes a deterioration of basic common sense. As a result, its signature behavior is to voluntarily divulge details of its life that probably should have been kept quiet, then react in a negative manner when others discover the information that they made part of the public record.

Even more confusing, it will then accuse people it knows of either snitching on them (because something they told most of the planet was overheard by the wrong person) or being some kind of hater (a favorite instant dismissal for people who have nothing legitimate to say in their defense). 

Common Updates: "Got snitches on my page", "Why everybody watching my moves, it's not like I'm doing them in front of everybody", "I hate when people look at things I write"


That one guy/girl from ____ (friendius...uh...um...high schoolius? Na...um...summerjobi? fellow internius? No, that was the other guy/girl...um...) - This person's mutation has had no effects on it, but a profound one on you, making them only semi-recognizable from your point of view.

It's kind of like how a chameleon can blend into different things and seem to be a part of any of them...this person blends into different memories and could be part of any of them, making it impossible to place your relationship at a definite point of origin. You know exactly where you know this person from...but then, you don't.

Common Updates: Strangely enough, almost never anything that gives away where you know them from...dammit!


Facecook (chefi gastronimus)- This mutation is rooted in a love for preparing food and manifests itself through a series of complicated and exotic meals.

Usually, these meals look delicious, and they only share them when all you have at your house is maple syrup, raw spaghetti, butter and baked beans. Unfortunately, this mutation does nothing for this person's capacity for sharing food. It's one of the less harmful mutations, except when you're hungry.

Common Updates: "Just had dinner, * tortuously detailed description of mouthwatering foodstuff, accompanying picture* if you weren't here for it, fuck you"


The Mutual BFF (alternatus universi inseparables)- As mentioned before, social networking makes obsolete degrees of separation, and this includes the fact that you will find yourself interacting with strangely likable friends of your friends that you have never met.

You may wonder why you find yourself actually liking this person who exists in your world purely as pictures and text. The answer lies in their rather fascinating mutation. You see it causes them to act just like a person that you could see yourself hanging around with if they were a few hundred miles closer. In some cases, the Mutual BFF can even become one of your friends too...a social networking friend, but still.

Common Updates: Just like yours, just a little different.


Facebook Entrepreneur (farmvillius maximi)- This mutation, almost exclusive to Facebook, causes a person to realize that they had dreams of owning their own business. Accordingly, this mutant is not around for social networking...how could it be wasting time chatting with people when its farm, restaurant, and cocaine cartel need to be maintained?

This person's business venture simulations on Facebook are many and varied, and even include a simulation of creating a social networking site. Heavy use of the "hide story" button is encouraged if you like this person (outright deletion is encouraged if not) ...otherwise you'll be reporting for Facework with them every day, and won't even get a salary.

Common Updates: "______ has reached level 25 in Mafia Wars!", "______ has reached level 86 in Sorority Life!", "_____ sent you a Special Edition Blue Tractor for your farm if you will be his neighbor, accept?"


Ambulance Chaser (hornius desperatum)- Many of this type of mutant started out as people who had trouble interacting with those of the opposite sex before social networking, but now that all that awkward face-to-face, raw personality-driven, "getting to know people" nonsense is falling out of favor, their mutation could be used to full effect. 

You see, with what's on a person's mind posted to examine and extort at leisure without the aggravation of having a conversation leading to that point, it's simply a matter of coming up with something that sounds comforting and caring to curry favor with a target.

An insidious trick, to be sure, but one the Ambulance Chaser utilizes to perfection. Its mutation casues it to see this as not only an acceptable way to attract interest from those of the opposite sex, but a preferable one.

Whether providing a digital shoulder for a distressed party to cry on, denouncing a partner who is in the way so it can have a shot at moving in, sending sexual private messages or providing sycophantic encouragement in the form of likes, favorites and comments when news of a breakup is posted, the Ambulance Chaser can be counted on to use every sad status to its romantic advantage. 

Common Updates: This mutant is known less for his statuses than his replies to them, which commonly include "he was no good for you anyway", "come over and let's talk about it", "he can't love you like I can", "can my dick help you out?", "you still sexy, though" and "I'll be your friend, giggity".



The Very Special Friend (trainwreckus majori)- On every friendslist, there is this friend. It's mutation is severe, multi-faceted, and seemingly irreversable.

As this person had multiple serious personality flaws before they ever had a screen name, the effects of social networking were the catalyst for the full unleashing of their personality(ies) on both the internet and the matrix.

Its mutations manifest themselves in myriad ways, displaying many of the worst characteristics of all other mutants all rolled up in one convenient, easy-to-retweet package.

This person will never cease to amaze you with its ignorance, confusion about even basic life concepts, defense of indefensible positions, direct contradictions of things it may have posted the same day, or total dearth of common-ass sense.

Many social networkers have trouble justifying the fact that this person remains on a list of people one would at least be assumed to like and associate with, but their true value can be measured in 3 areas: sideshow-style entertainment, the fact that they remind you how relatively unfucked you and your life are, and their research value in the field of social networking studies… I should know. I'm an expert.

Common Updates: boggle the mind.

Hopefully you've found this look at the different mutations that extended exposure to social networking can cause enlightening and educational.

With the responsible use of these friendsites and careful management of the changes that your friends--and even you--may go through as a result of using them, we can reduce the number of undesirable mutations...but y'know, not too much. (Otherwise, I don't have anything to write about.)

1.26.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

What's good umf'ers? It's snowing, I'm at work, I shouldn't even be here today...but yet, here I am. So...since I'm stuck here either way, I might as well use the time for something useful..."Formsprung!" Let's see what y'all got for me this Wednesday...

If you had to eat cream cheese icing off my nipple to save the world, would you? [[yes I am a girl :D]]
I don't know, I would have to see the nipples in question before answering that...but odds are yes, since I like cream cheese icing lol

R u gonna watch the super bowl?
Eh, maybe...

who ya got in the Super Bowl?
Packers, if only so I don't have to hear "Black and Yellow" anymore...uh-huh, you know what it is...fuckin' annoying after 500 times hearing it.

lol you write poems too? is there anything you cant do?
Yes I do...I like writing shit that rhymes. and um...I can't flip up off my back like in karate movies or whistle with my fingers in my mouth....working on that though...

how good are you at texting and walking?
great...I'm an expert, armed with mutant peripherals honed by years of experience...I can both text without looking at the keyboard and walk without looking at the street with no problem...that's why I wrote a post about it...

Can you really text and fuck? Can I hep you prove it?
lol...I've never actually tried it, but I'm pretty sure I possess the necessary dexterity. I said that mostly for impact and humor. As for the second part of your question, since you weren't smart enough to claim femininity like the other sex question person, I can't answer that due to the potential violation of hetero bylaws.

why don't you make it so that everybody can post on the umf fan page wall?
It already is, but it was just fucked up so it split posts into 3 random categories...but I unfucked it, so it's fine now...post away!

feeling better today? lol
hahaha yes, much, thank you...

are Valntines and Winter Boos seperate?
Tricky question...they can be, but if they're the same person it often leads to a more permanent relationship. If you want to keep your Boo only for the winter, under no circumstances should they be made a valentine...in fact, you should be planning your exit strategy by then.

No more posts about Facebook? What you too good to post about it now that you got a fan page lol
hahaha you a fool...you know what, I haven't written a Facebook post all year...the internet's foremost Interpersonal Facebook Studies major is slipping...maybe I'll do one soon...

u doing that black history month thing again? u should, it was great...except for the mike irvin one lol
HEY! Listen here, anonymous mofo, you aint gonna be sittin here on my site talking about the Playmaker like that, dammit! To answer your question though, I was thinking about it...it was fun.

what's the worst 'myspace-book name' you ever saw lol
It's a tie between "Briana sexydiva prettymoney" or something similar and "Nachoaverage doinmyownthing Calloway"...seriously, search it on FB, I didn't make these up. And people wonder why I have the "middle name" I have lol...

why didnt you accept my friend request on FB?
I damn sure did...I accept any and all friend requests (on a probationary basis).

Do you think the Duck Boats should be able to come back to Philly?
Hell fucking no...I've always hated those things, even before they started killing tourists...rolling down streets, blowing those stupid plastic quack kazoos that sound like a duck being goosed, driving me duckshit crazy...hopefully after this whole thing is over I can sleep well knowing that I will never hear a duck call in the middle of a major metropolitan area again.

Hey AJ! How many other people here read this? Bonus question- what does that thing on the back of your cart say? You always move before I can read it haha --your girl on 10th
Here? You mean at work (since you mentioned my cart and the 10th floor)?

Um...I only know for a fact that maybe 5 people in the building read this (hey y'all!) but I do suspect a couple people read and don't say anything, since sometimes they make references that give them away...like you and the cart thing :p

Oh, and it's a license plate:


Good times as usual, y'all...thanks to everybody that took a couple seconds to hit the question box >over there> or click this link:


to ask a question this week! If you want to get an answer to a weird ass question next week (or even a normal one...I take those too haha) just hit the qu--...oh wait, I did it already. Damn...ah well, see y'all next week on "Formsprung"!