3.30.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

What's good y'all? Wednesday snuck up fast this week, so let's just get this shit started...

NEW ORLLLLLLLLLLLLEAAAAAAAAAAANSSSSSSSS ps. yes im back from months of not reading this awesome blog
lol that's not a question....but fuckit, what's good, dude? You're right, haven't seen ya around in a while...welcome back tho! Oh, and while you're around, *like* me on Facebook, wouldya?

Fav Kicks?

...still have and wear 3 pairs (pictured, navy blue, orange)...love love love...

what's the craziest thing you did during AJpalooza?
heh...actually, the crazy part is I did nothing crazy...mostly stayed in, got high, and hung out with friends (and a bitch who didn't wash my dishes). I'm 23, I'm an old man now, college was a long time ago lol...besides, do you know where I live? Doing something crazy could get you shot by citizens, police, or both in succession...my birthday present to myself was taking a few steps to seeing my next one...lol...

Blunts or Papers?
actually, neither on a regular basis...I use a "water pipe" at home, saves money on wrapping paper...but the last thing I smoked other than that was a midnight blunt on my birthday, so I guess that...really, whatever gets the stuff into my system lol

You don't have no bitch to wash them dishes for you? Shame...
hahaha...wow! Um...no, not as of yet...working on it though...

Do u have a girlfriend?
Didn't I just say I didn't have a bitch to wash those dishes lol

So what are you gonna do when somebody catches you taking one of those famous pics and wants to fight you?
haha...I think about that sometimes...I guess I'd do the only thing I could, which is beat their ass to the best of my ability (and maybe use a Special Move or 2 in the process). I like my odds in about 8 out of 10 fights on the street...I'll be fine. Besides...what kind of Camera Phone Ninja would I be if I got caught?

Would you REALLY encourage your son to fight in school?
Nope...I don't encourage fighting of any kind. However, it happens sometimes, and it's usually because of the other guy. the way I was raised, I was either gonna defend myself from whoever hit me or from my pop for NOT defending myself...odds are, my pop hit way harder. It's a lesson I think has served me well to this day and I plan to pass it on. Anyway, I would encourage him to settle word disputes with his words, but once somebody attacks him, I would be fully behind any physical response to it...

What kind of beer did you drink--um, chug--in your bday vid?
haha...it was my favorite local shit, Victory's "Golden Monkey"...I only get to drink it like twice a year (because it's like $20 for a 6 pack, I'm broke, and on my salary it's all I can do not to drink 40s every night), but I love it...and I soon after that video discovered the beneficial effects of chugging it...lol...

Must you have a blue guitar?
Yes, of course...don't be absurd!

why u take off ur FB middle name?
I just thought it was time...I only planned on having it for about a week as a quick protest against what I call MySpacebook names, but people was feelin' it so much I kept it around way longer than intended...should I have a new one?

My girlfriend won't leave me alone while I watch my Knicks...what do I do?
Duct tape that hoe...mjk...

Seriously, talk to her about it. Let her know that your games are just as important to her as Lifetime/reality TV is to her. Anything that won't end or irreparably damage one or both of your lives immediately can wait until postgame...if she can't accept that, maybe she's not the girl for you...hey, your Knicks were there first...

(ps- this may become a post...if so, thanks for that!)

Aight, that's about all we have time for this week...if you wanna get in the mix for next week, you can (anonymously as always) ask one in >that question box> or if you feel the absolute need to click links:

3.29.2011

Temporarily Disconnected (or T-Mobile's Tough Love)

So in case you haven't been around here for a while (don't sweat it, neither have I...) or didn't watch the video yet (no excuse for that though) the last few days were my birthday. I celebrated in the way you probably expect I did if you know me at all...but before that, there was Thursday. You see, I had taken the back part of last week off not (fully) because of an intense desire to watch daytime TV, but to actually do things. Productive, adult things that involve errands and paperwork and other boring shit. Not only that, but I had to clean and rearrange my apartment so I could put new couches in the Blue Star Lounge (for a full tour of my crib, click here) and not have them sit on 8 months worth of long-drained liquor bottles, partial foodstuffs escaped from every plate and box I had ever eaten from, dime bags and other artifacts of my lifestyle. I had the idea to use Thursday to do all that shit so I could just not do whatever I didn't want to until I made my scheduled Monday return to work.

Well...that's what the best version of me intended the day to be for...more than likely I was going to wake, bake, play with Facebook, text folk, eat a couple of those little White Castle cheeseburgers, start doing enough of my to-do list to keep my life from falling completely apart, then forget all about it over a nice episode or 2 of "Cheaters". It was a self-sabotaging double reverse mindfuck of a plan...but it was a plan. I woke up Thursday morning with full intent of excecuting said plan...I lit up my morning medicine, then attempted step 2, playing with Facebook. I rolled over, slid open my smartphone, punched in the letter "f" (my phone knows me so well...couples take pride in finishing each other's sentences, my phone finishes my search terms, which is a step under reading my thoughts...now you know why I don't know how folk lived without them.) and my phone did the rest...well, would have had my phone and internet not been shut off. Instead, I got a message saying "fuck you, broke dude"...well, it was in computer lingo and there was some kind of error involved, but I got the message...

I started to hyperventilate...no phone? No texting? No...internet!? How the fuck was I supposed to waste time now?! My neck started to itch. I had been through this before...it was a dark time in my life. I began to think about what I did to deserve this, what choices I had made to put myself in this position, who the hell had been hurt so badly by my actions that karma had seen fit to take my digital life...then I remembered I hadn't paid my bill yet. Oh. In my eagerness to keep some funding for last weekend's already-paid-for festivities and party favors, I had neglected the carrier formerly known as T-Mobile their monthly tithe AND spent the money in question. Shit. Plus I didn't have any money to give them. Double shit. I was gonna have to be phoneless for close to a week until I get paid next Thursday. Multishit. Omnishit. Shit shit shit. I called up T-Mobile and explained myself, and they said I could set up a payment plan with my bank account number...which I don't remember, never knew, and would probably have to call my bank or go online for. Shit-22.

I sat on my bed and tried to get mad about the situation...but I was all high and shit, so it's kind of hard to be mad at anything for too long. There was still the problem of what the hell to do with my time since I wasn't leaving the house without my phone...fuck that...plus daytime TV isn't as fun without people to fire random observations at through text and statuses, so I really wasn't enjoying that phoneless. I would have texted a cypherfriend if they were up to help me procrastinate...but, yeah. After a few more paralyzingly boring minutes, there was only one thing to do (dun dun dunnnn!): housework. I'm sure I'd think of something by then. With a deep sigh, I headed towards the pile of dishes in the sink that had been there so long I won't even say in case my mommy does somehow find umf and reads this post (she'd be so ashamed).

An hour and a half, half a bottle of dish detergent, 2 very wrinkled hands, a complete fridge cleanout and resulting avalanche of dirty Tupperware later, I was finally done with the dishes. I was almost happy until I remembered I still had the living room redecorating and cleanup to do. It was like rolling off of a woman satisfied and completely exhausted only to hear her say "Oh...you were finished?" It was demoralizing. I had a strong tempation to just stop, sit down, and take a break but knew if I did, I would never hear from her again...um, wait...I wouldnt get up and start cleaning again. With a suppressed sob, I started up.

In case you've never cleaned underneath a couch (lucky, rich and/or dirty ass bitch...) it's something like unlocking a time capsule. You unearth relics that not only you, but time itself forgot. I found like 6 lighters, my friend D's case full of PSP games, innumerable cans of beer from around the world, about a dollar in change, what would have been about $13.42 worth of weed if I swept it up from all over the room, picked the lint out and sold it, a pair of Amelia Earhart's panties and my childhood...okay, I'm exaggerating, but not much. Anyway, 4 hours after I started, I was done. A deep sense of accomplishment growled in my stomach...either that or I hadn't eaten all morning while cleaning. (Either way, I ate a Hot Pocket.)

My chores somehow done, it was now time to worry about my phone situation. It was all good while I had something to do...now I was bored, and when I'm bored I set things on fire (literally and figuratively). Public safety demanded that I had my phone back. I called up T-Mobile...but this time I had figured out a backdoor. Since you can only dial one number while shut off, (to pay your bill or speak to a representative about paying your bill) I called up T-Mobile again...but this time, I used them as an operator. I asked to be connected to my bank so I could get my account number. The happy white girl was only too happy to oblige me, and a few call-forwards later, I had my account number written on a paper plate and was ready to get my service back on.

As I called back, thinking about how none of this would be possible without T-Mobile's help, I suddenly realized that phrase applied in a few different ways. They could have chosen any day, but they picked that one...you see, had they not shut my shit off all morning, I would have never cleaned my place up...that's the kind of customer care rarely found in any industry and that we damn sure won't get with them once they make...The Change. I couldn't help but think it was their way of temporarliy making me a more efficient and better person (but since I'm not getting any more couches, they better not pull that shit again). So...yeah, thanks for that, T-Mo...

3.25.2011

umf b-day broadcast!

Aight, aight...I couldn't resist making a little vid for today...enjoy y'all Friday, I know I am!
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.5

3.23.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

What's goin' on, umf'ers? For most of y'all, it's Wednesday but for me, it's Friday...that's right, in observation of "AJ Day" (aka my birthday haha) after today I'm free for the week! I probably won't be spending much time at home posting (that's my OWN time!) so let's get this edition of "Formsprung" underway before I check out completely...lol...

Want some birthday sex?
sure, I'll take some...

you think VCU can beat Gtown? by the time you answer the game will have been played but still...
I have no idea lol...my bracketalchemy says no, though...

VCU again with the win..."them boys good"
Damn, looks like it...guess bracketalchemy ain't an exact science after all...I see your boys have Florida State on Friday though...if you're willing to break off a couple dollars, I'll use one of my birthday wishes on a win for y'all. Now that's ironclad...think about it...

did anybody at at&t respond to your dis lol
Nope...they know they can't see me (literally and figuratively once I jump ship...) RIP T-Mobile...

Is AJ your real name?
yup...well, technically it's not the one on my birth certificate, that's "Anthony"...but it's based on a true name lol...and people do call me that, come on...

Why do you wear blue every day?
Who says I do?

What color are your underwear?
blue...lol...oh, I see y'all point...

I read that little anti-singing post is "Amanda" suppose to be me???
hahaha...well actually "she" was a representative of a few people I know, but if you think she was you, odds are you're one of them :p

Do you really use all those crazy words?
hahaha yeah, I do...been using most of them for a long time (and getting a lot of laughs and "huh?", equal measures), but last year I went "hey...why not write 'em down for the record?" What came out of that was the first "High Definitions"...and I decided to try it again this year (HiDef2) ...turned out poppinfreshazdelic, if you ask me...lol...

O about that statuses of the week thing: since you can only see your friends statuses, doesn't that mean only they can win? That doesn't seem fair.
You know what, I guess you're right...I don't see stats that ain't on my friendslist (even though you could send 'em to me if you want) but we can solve that problem real quick: just add me, duh...



Aight, that's about it for this week...if you wanna ask a question for next week, you know what to do...find >the box> or click the link:


any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...


I'm probably gonna take the next couple days off umf so I can sit around and get all fucked up without thinking of clever and hilarious shit to write about (on purpose) but if you need me, I'll damn sure be on Facebook, plus you know I'll be all over the fanpage (if you can't think of a good birthday present, get me a *like* haha) ...oh, and an almost-special edition of umf magazine "You, Me and Friday" will be out Friday afternoon...um, if I remember...with our 7 Standout Statuses of the week and so fucking much more...lol... Thanks for all the questions umf'ers, love y'all...see every last one of you Monday!

3.22.2011

HiDef2- Even Higher Definitions

Well, last year either on or around my birthday, I put out a list of words I like to make up and use called "High Definitions" (guess why? Hint, it has little to do with anybody's screen resolution). It was a lot of fun, so I decided...why the hell not try it again? I've been making up plenty of shit since then...let's warm up with a few new acronyms.

THB- truth.hurts.bitch. (there's a post on that one!)

FYL- fuck.your.life. (never understood why people spend so much time wishing their own lives be fucked...instead, try wishing it on the person responsible!)

MJK- mostly.just.kidding. (for those times you're just having a laugh...well, with a side of "that's really how I feel, though.")

Yeah? You like? You want more? Aight, let's get this started then...I gave credit for where I got them if it wasn't my brain and I'm pretty sure it's in alphabetical order (when you work with a bunch of bullshit files all day, you learn to alphabetize well) so without any further...heh...introbation:

adj.- adjective
int.- interjection
n.-noun
v.- verb

(Again, I won't waste time or insult your intelligence defining parts of speech...if you don't know those, you won't get the joke anyway...)

accidententionally (ack-sid-en-tent-shun-all-ee, adj.)- done in a purposeful manner yet made to look like a mistake.
"I found out Natalie stole my lunch from the fridge last week, so I accidententionally tripped her down the stairs."

alcohobbyist (ahl-ko-ha-bee-yist, n.)- a person who consumes alcohol for leisure activity, a frequent drinker who also manages to function just fine in life despite the image associated with it.
"Oh, he's not a drunk...he just drinks a lot after work to unwind, he's an alcohobbyist."

asthetically challenged (ass-thet-ick-lee chah-lenj'd, adj.)- describes a person who does not posess traditional attractive qualities who may casually be referred to as "ugly".
"She's a sweet girl, but she's not really my type...that lumpy body and those horrid snaggleteeth...plus her face has too much...character...she's just so asthetically challenged."

bass-ackwards (bass ack-werds, adj., common usage)- describes a situation that is so inexplicably wronged-up that it causes one's speech and typing patterns to temporarily modify themselves.
"So...every 3 months we get a new class-action medical suit involving some legal pill with unspeakable side effects that killed hundreds, sickened thousands and even stole a few people's identities and those keep getting approved...but weed is still illegal? That's bass-ackwards..."

blaze
(blayz, v., common usage)- to ingest cannabis through combustion.
"Damn, my boss is a true douche, I hate that place! Eh, I'll just go home, blaze and forget about it..."

brainfulness (brayn-full-nes, n.)- the quality of active thinking.
"See, that bitch wouldn't have fallen into the fountain texting if she had shown some brainfulness and used her peripheral vision."

cockstar (cahk-starr, v.)- a sexually promiscuous female.
"Oh, Tamieka? She's a cockstar, she's played half the flutes in class...and a few of the triangles."

couplefew
(cup-pull-fyoo, adj.)- used to indicate a smallish but undefined quantity.
"I be over there in a couplefew minutes...want me to stop and get a 6-pack?"

cypherfriend (sy-fur-frend, n.)- a person who one blazes with.
"I made a new cypherfriend on line...at the deli today. We were both looking for weed, found it together, smoked each other out...now we're supposed to burn one later...he's a cool guy."

dap (dapp, n., common usage)- a "definite act of peace" to show a lack of ill will manifested through a regionally varying handshake. (v.) performing the act thereof.
"We was beefin' for a while, but he saw me at the cookout and he gave me dap...I guess we cool now."

dumbassity (dumm-ass-it-ee, adv.)- the quality of egregious and consistent stupidity, gross ignorance.
"She's sexy, I'll admit, but her dumbassity is a real turnoff...can you believe she spells "you" with an "h" in texts?!"

entreprewhore
(ahn-trih-pre-hoor, n.)- a person who uses their sexual abilities for finanical gain, either real or percieved.
"Damn, so she said every relationship she's ever had was based on sex and money? Doesn't that make her an entreprewhore?"

e-soapbox (ee-sope-boxx, n.)- a place like this for folk like me to shout their opinions into the e-streets.
"I hate the word "blog", it sounds like somebody being chopped in the throat...I much prefer "e-soapbox."

e-streets (ee-streetz, n.)- the internet, especially social networking sites like Facebook and that other one with #allthisbullshit.
"I heard in the e-streets that AT&T bought T-Mobile like 12 hours before I saw it on the news...word travels fast in the e-streets."

eyeball thunderbolt (eye-bawl thun-dur-bowlt, n.)- an excessively angry glare.
"She keeps saying she's not mad at me, but keeps shooting those eyeball thunderbolts over here...oh well, fuck her."

freesmoker (free-smoh-kur, n.)- a person who prefers (or is forced to) to go outside in alleys and behind dumpsters and other places on the fringes of society to perform his recreational activities. It is very dangerous, and should not be tried by anyone but a trained professional...or somebody with fast running sneakers and a good escape route.
"I almost got caught freesmoking the other day...but lucklly I had my new Nikes on."

girlfax (gurl-fax, n.)- a background check on a potential female partner.
"I was gonna wife her, but I asked around and got the girlfax...she ain't no good...besides, she was the campus cockstar."

girlhammer
(gurl-ham-mur, n.)- a wildly thrown and awkward looking punch that somehow may be surprisingly effective.
"Yeah, you won, but I saw those girlhammers you were throwing...you can't fight for shit, can you? You're lucky the other guy was more of a bitch than you..."

g'motions
(gee-moh-shuns, n. c/o Rilla)- Feelings without all the weeping and sniffling and shit...that's not gangsta.
"I almost cried when she left me, but I kept my g'motions in check...besides, new chick came through the same night. Comeback!"

hoodratatiously (hood-ra-tay-shus-lee, adv.)- in a manner reminiscent of a hoodrat. (For more on hoodrats, see here.)
"She looked like a nice girl until she opened that mouth of hers...all that loudness and cackling, she speaks so hoodratatiously."

hollagram (ha-luh-gram, n.)- a text message of a sexual nature, analogous to the "booty call" back in the days where people talked on the phone.
"I struck out at the bar last night, but I hit one of my exes with a hollagram on the way home...she's in there making breakfast now."

imagifuckin (ih-mah-jih-fuh-ken, v.)- the act of sexually fantasizing about an unattainable partner, often at an inappropriate time.
"Would you quit imagifuckin' the new girl and make your copies? Damn, I'm trying to get back to Facebo--my work at my desk!"

infotaining
(en-foh-tay-ning, adj.)- informative, yet entertaining.
"That AJ sure has an infotaining writing style..." (haha imagine that...you can tell I wrote this.)

insultative (en-sul-tat-iv, adj.)- worded in such a way as to be intentionally offensive.
"I told him that he would go as far as his talents would take him...he took it as inspiration, but since he sucks at what he does, it was definitely insultative."

introbation (in-troh-bay-shun, n.)- A combination of "introduction" and "masturbation", it describes long, pointless and unsatisfying introductions for their own sake.
"I don't watch most pregame shows...they're just a bunch of introbation."

janky (jane-key, adj.)- inferior, of low quality.
"I went over his crib and he got a bunch of milk crates in his living room as furniture...he called it minimalist, I call it janky as all hell."

known (nown, v., Shakespeare)- had casual, meaningless, semi-anonymous sexual intercourse with.
"Oh, yeah, Delilah? I have known her...in the proper place, the backseat of yon carrriage.

lead blocking (leed blah-king, v., footballese)- the act of letting other people cross the street first so if somebody has to get hit by a car right then, it's not you.
"Some truck came thisclose to hitting me at the crosswalk! Luckily an Eagles fan got hit instead thanks to some great lead blocking..."

like button (lyke buh-tin, n., Facebook)- an erogenous zone, especially that one.
"I hit her like button so many times she made a status about me...it usually goes the other way around, but I'll take it..."

love compartment
(luv cum-part-ment, n.)- take a wild guess.
"That girl was loose...she didn't even have a love compartment anymore, that big, empty thing qualified as a cargo hold..."

meat tweet (meet tweet)- SEE "hollagram".

misremember (mys-ree-mem-bur, v., Roger Clemens)- conveniently forgetting certain details of a story.
"Oh, you say I got here half an hour late today? Hmm...I could have sworn I was here on time like I told you, I must have misremembered."

no typo (no typo, int.)- indicates that what you just read was what I meant to write.
"So I told him to "have a day" (no typo) and went about my business"

outsideable (owt-syde-uh-bull, adj., c/o Rilla)- the quality of being display-worthy, capable of appearing outside without causing an escort some kind of embarrassment, "arm candy"
"She kept asking me to go to the movies, but she's not that cute...I told her she wasn't outsideable all like that and that she should sit here, shut up, and put in another DVD before I find her less cool."

party flu (parr-tee flew, n.)- a hangover.
"I was gonna go to work this morning, but woke up with party flu...so I said fuckit and called out."

rock zombie (rok zomm-bie, n.)- a crack connoiseur.
"Don't go down 59th after 10:30...the rock zombies are just waiting to snatch your ass up!"

self-discounted (self dys-koun-ted, adj.)- describes an item obtained from a store without the shopkeeper's knowledge as a supplement to items actually paid for.
"I went to the store to but hot dogs, but they were almost 5 bucks.That's outrageous...so I self-discounted some chili to go with 'em. It's an even trade."

septadventure (sep-tad-vin-tu-ring, n.)- a ride on local public transportation (SEPTA), where you're liable to see anydamnthing.
"I got a picture of a dude with blue hair and a matching beard on my septadventure home from work...I'm posting that on Facebook!"

smartless (smart less, adj.)- describes a person or situation brimming with dumbassity.
"Can you believe he pawned his wedding ring to buy a new smartphone? That's the most smartless thing I've ever heard!"

spitactive
(spy-tack-tiv, adj.)- the state of being aggressively spiteful.
"She told me I couldn't have any of her fries, so I decided she didn't really want them and smacked them onto the ground just to be spitactive."

statusfied (stah-tus-fyd, adj.)- the state of being adequately pleased with the response to a posted Facebook status.
"I got a few *like*s on that one, I think I'm statusfied...time to change it..."

technofail (tek-noh-fayl, n.)- random, inexplicable malfunctions of futuristic devices. Happen, on average, once a month.
"My internet at home went out last week, but I couldn't figure out why...I chalked it up to a technofail."

technobeep (tek-noh-beep, n.)- ringtones, text notification sounds, charging noises, sent email sounds...you get it.
"The technobeeps on your phone are the worst...why does "The Thong Song" play when you get calls from your mom?"

textnmove (textnmoov, v.)- the act of sending a text message while walking.
"To textnmove properly, it's essential that you LOOK THE FUCK UP every once in a while."

tomfuckery (tom-fuh-kerr-ee, n.)- foolish, annoying monkeyshines.
"I'm sick of the tomfuckery...I'm about to go off on these dudes."

unosex (ooh-noh secks, adj.)- describes an item intended for use by one gender.
"They say Uggs are unisex...they're not...they're unosex. I'm a bit suspicious of any guy I see wearing those..."

visually repugnant
(viz-you-al-ee ree-pugg-nent, adj.) SEE "asthetically challenged".

whoreible (hoor-i-bull, adj.)- both tragic and unladylike.
"Damn, she left her kids at home to go to the club every day this week AND stayed out with a different guy each day? That's straight up whoreible."

wrapping paper (raa-ping pay-purr, n.)- any of the common leaves, wraps, and other materials available at gas stations and other fine retailers for the fashioning of cannabis cigarettes.
"If weed is illegal, why are they allowed to sell wrapping paper? It's not like anybody unrolls those things and puts tobacco in 'em...who do they think they fooling?"

wordrape (wurd-rayp, v.) an unwanted sexual advance made either through text or online.
"This guy I barely know messaged me on Facebook asking if he can spoon honey out of my lovely ass...I felt wordraped!"

workbuzz (wurk-buz, n.)- a state of intoxication that still leaves one reasonably fit for duty.
"Drunk? No, I only had 2 beers at lunch...I got a little workbuzz though..."

yestertoday (yes-tur-to-day, n.)- describes activities taking place between roughly 11:30pm and 3am, when the line between "yesterday" and "today" is blurred, especially if there was no sleep involved.
"Yeah, I came back from the bar at 5am with a wicked hangover after drinking all yestertoday."

zap (zap!, int.)- an exclamation used to call attention to an insult.
"You don't get a sentence with this one...use context clues, jackass! Yeah, I called you a jackass...zap!"

lol...I hope you enjoyed this look at the words I use...after reading it myself, I'm not sure how anybody knows what I'm talking about...but with this list (and the last one) you can damn sure try...

3.21.2011

Bars of Service (AT&T Dis)

*fittedwearer's note: Well, if you haven't heard, yesterday my cell phone carrier T-Mobile was bought out by inferior bullshit provider AT&T, whose main claim to fame is shitty service and once upon a time being the exclusive carrier to offer the iPhone. While both parties promise that all that ex T-Mobilizers loved about the soon-to-be-absorbed company (great customer service, phone representatives that work in this country and speak this language, flexible payment plans, reasonable rates for a provider of its class, Catherine Zeta-Jones, that wonderful and distinctive magenta color) will remain intact in the new regime, I reserve a certain measure of skepticism...ah, screw the fancy talk, I'm calling bullshit. I just know the phone company I knew and loved for over 6 years (as a representative happily reminds me every time I call) is no more. I can barely find the words to describe how I feel about this...oh, wait, they're under this paragraph. Oh.

Where were you at the day T-Mobile died?
I was on Facebook, I found out and I cried
I had gotten some news most depressing to me
My beloved T-Mobile bought by AT&T
You may be confused, might not understand
the importance of who powers what's in my hand
"Does it really matter, damn, you always bitchin'!"
Merger or not, you're in the same position!
if you really think that, you've been fed a lie
shit's all fucked up now, and I'll tell you why
The deal is a win, a coup for the bosses
they get capital gains, but consumers take losses
Remember T-Mobile? Their customer care?
How the representatives were polite and fair?
how helpful they were, how hard those guys try?
With the new company, you can kiss that shit goodbye...
Call AT&T-Mobile, and ask for some help?
Don't waste your time, you can do bad by yourself
You won't dial 611, get a happy white girl
You'll get Sanjay Banush half way 'cross the world
won't help you with shit and can barely speak English
he'll give you advice you can't do a damn thing with
he can't help you out with your phone malfunction
you'll be so frustrated, you might trouble-shoot him!
That's if you get hold of a human at all
without 5 seperate numbers and 8 seperate calls
Service counts for a lot, a small personal touch
As for AT&T...they don't get into that much...
but what they ARE good at is raising the price
that's what usually goes down when companies splice
they say nothing changes, and for them it's true
but give it 6 months, see how shit change for you
if you upgrade your phone, they'll change up your plan
you ask why they do it, it's because they can...
data plans will go up, text bundles skyrocket
300 minutes a month will empty out your pockets
you'll pay a nickel a second if you over your minutes
can't get out that contract cuz you're locked in it
call up like "ima get out, you guys are takin' me!"
they're like "cool, but run that cancellation fee...
you can get out now, but not escape for free
then put you on hold pissed, like a wait to pee
less people in the game empower the players
and we get the least common denominators
I'll hold on for now, but I might switch later
they abandoned me first, so I'm not the traitor.
I been rockin' magenta for about 6 years
now it's orange, so I see red as I fight back tears
(It's both a metaphor for realizing these fears
and my interest in Verizon's NFL Mobile next year)
I was done shopping around, thought we was past all this
I feel betrayed as hell, like I got ass to kiss
had a Mobile home, but got housed...now that's a bitch
I'm now with AT&T...you bet your ass I'm pissed.

3.18.2011

Wish Upon a Star: License to Sing

*fittedwearer's note: You know, I know some things will never happen...the cost of living will never go down, Tupac sightings will never stop, and they'll never stop releasing "Black & Yellow" remixes for every imaginable sports team. (Seriously, that's enough! blueandorangegreenandpurpletealandhunterdarkmagenta...quit it! Every sorry-ass minor league hockey team in North America doesn't need a song...give it a rest.) However, I can't help but still hope certain things would happen...maybe wishing on a star might help...well, probably not, but I'll post about it anyway.


People who can't sing (most people) shouldn't. At least not where people can hear them. It's quite an unpleasant experience to hear a song on the radio and be interrupted by the sound of horny alley cats. It usually goes something like this:

*AJ sits at desk, his radio plays, old Beyoncé song comes on*

AJ: (to self) Heh...I remember this song. I even kinda liked it before they played it 300,000 times that summer...haven't heard it in a while though, don't mind it as much...

*AJ listens, Amanda enters stage right*

Amanda: *squeals* Oooh! OMG this my shit, I love this song! *clears throat, begins to howl in vague simulation of currently playing song* "Baaaaaybaaaaay..."

AJ: Could you not? That's not a duet...

Amanda: Shut up, AJ! I can sing if I want, you can't stop me... *continues* "I got all thiiiiis looooove..."

*AJ sighs*

AJ: You know what? I guess you're right...

*AJ grabs radio, unplugs, smashes into nano-smithereens underfoot*

AJ: ...but like I said, this ain't a duet. You'll have to go solo.

*AJ walks away from desk, leaving Amanda without a comeback and too shocked to sing* (its fun being the writer in these little sketches...I get all the good lines :p)

Now, while that did get Amanda to stop singing temporarily, there's still 3 problems. Number 1, I don't have a radio any more. Number 2, Amanda can still sing a capella later...I'm not sure which is worse, and I'd sooner that remain a mystery. Number 3, I had to spaz out on Amanda to get what I wanted, which decreases the chances that she'll put her mouth on me at the Christmas party. Hmm...if only there were a better way...I wish:

*AJ sits at desk, his radio plays, old Beyoncé song comes on*

AJ: (to self) Heh...I remember this song. I even kinda liked it before they played it 300,000 times that summer...haven't heard it in a while though, don't mind it as much...

*AJ listens, Amanda enters stage right*

Amanda: *squeals* Oooh! OMG this my shit, I love this song! *clears throat, begins to howl in vague simulation of currently playing song* "Baaaaaybaaaaay..."

AJ: Could you not? That's not a duet...

Amanda: Shut up, AJ! I can sing if I want, you can't stop me...

*AJ sighs, pyrotechnics go off in nearby doorway, Beyoncé enters*

Beyoncé: But I can!

AJ: Oh, looka that.

*Beyoncé walks over to Amanda, poses*

Amanda: OMG it's yooooou! *squeal of delight* I have all your albums, your whole clothing line, your perfume and a complete set of "All the Pretty Horses, by Beyoncé" hair weaves! I love you! Can I have your autograph?

Beyoncé: Sure, honey. *hands Amanda a legal document* Here, you're served.

Amanda: What's this?!

Beyoncé: It's a cease and desist order from Jive Records and the American Musicians Association. We hear you have been desecrating our work and we'd like you to stop, honey. They chose me to hand-deliver it to you because you're a big fan of mine and it means more to you this way. You can have your public singing privileges back once you have provided documentation of 40 hours of vocal lessons.

AJ: Zap!

Amanda: *with tears in eyes* Desecrating? But...but I was just singing...I love your music!

Beyoncé: Tomato/to-mah-to. If you really love my music, you'll shut up and let me sing it...well, that and if you're heard singing any published, non-public-domain song within earshot of another person, we'll sue you for everything the next 3 generations of your family are worth, honey.

*AJ smirks*

Amanda: But--but--

Beyoncé: Watch out, honey...that's dangerously close to the hook for my upcoming single "Shake that Liberated Butt". You don't want a multi-billion dollar lawsuit, do you?

*Amanda shuts up*

Beyoncé: All right, looks like my work here is done...new album's in stores May 26!

*Beyoncé struts confidently towards doorway she came from*

AJ: Beyoncé, wait! Just one question!

Beyoncé: Go for it, honey...

AJ: Do I really have to put that little accent on the "e" every time I write your name?

Beyoncé: Hmm...no, not really. Ain't like I'm not the only Beyonce born before 1995 on the planet.

AJ: Sweet.

Beyonce: All right, bye now honey!

AJ: Later, B...

*Beyonce exits stage right*

*FIN*

I can only wish upon a star...lol...

3.17.2011

Bullying Prevention


If you haven't seen this video yet, you need to. (This is exactly what I was talking about when I told people being bullied is a choice you make...I'm showing this video at my next speech at umf Junior High School.) Seriously, the big chubby kid is my fuckin' hero. He not only ate the frail kid's princess punch for breakfast, he decided he was going to never take shit from the little brat again and powerbombed him halfway to hell. (Next time he should maybe pick on somebody his own size...for his own safety lol) I mean, the little punk decked him in the face one good time and was going for the 2-punch conversion...I'm pretty sure it falls within the grounds of self-defense. Not only did he deserve no kind of punishment, if I was his parent I would have taken his chunky little ass out for ice cream as soon as I heard.

Of course, that ain't what happened. After watching the video and evaluating the situation, the school determined it was appropriate to...drumroll please...suspend the fat kid! They claim he used "excessive force". WHAT!? So being punched in the face was called for? I don't have kids (had to throw in the disclaimer so folk don't go "you don't have kids, you don't know what you're talking about, until you do you JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND!!!") but I can honestly say if that had been my kid, and he was forcefed a knuckle sandwich and shared some cans of whoop-ass with the feeder in return and then got SUSPENDED just because the potluck happened that I would have been up at that school the very same day ready to fry every last administrative mofo responsible for cooking up that crock of bullshit.

They say an eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind...but maybe people should stop poking eyes and start keeping their fuckin' fingers to themselves. Bullying is usually caused by some deep-seated issues and inner pain...and nothing teaches folk the lesson that they should leave people the hell alone like a matching dose of outer pain. (Yes, there are some folk who "talking it out" and "using your words" just doesn't work on...they only speak "got my ass kicked for that, shouldn't do it again".) How it is that a place that claims to educate people could discourage the learning of so important a lesson confuses me.

Like I said in my speech to umfJHS, bullying isn't just something that goes on in school, preying on the weak is a lifelong institution for certain people and a central theme in human history. It happens. The only real way to stop yourself from being picked on is to stop being weak. Now, that doesn't always have to be physical, (though I can teach you a few Special Moves just in case) it can be as simple as realizing that the only person that can truly insult you is yourself...but in this case, it was...and I'm ecstatic to see that at least some kids are still capable of showing a little brass and not being fucked with. Hats off to you, big guy...now THAT is bullying prevention.

3.16.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

Well, here we are directly between weekends once again and that means it's time for "Formsprung"! What Wednesday wildness did y'all (anonymously) throw at me this week? Let's find out...

Will guys really accept a BJ from anybody?
Well, that's a tricky question...depends on if you're talking about me or guys in general. Guys in general pretty much will...you can't really blame us, most of us don't get them anywhere near as often as we should (not that much of it isn't our fault)...but me?

Well...I assume you're a girl, so I'll put it this way: I love one as much as the next guy, but there are many, many chicks out there in twentyleven I wouldn't touch with YOUR dick...no typo.

when's your bday?

3/25 (next Fridaaaaay yeeeeeah!)

Whaadya want for ya birfdaaaay?
lol a BJ...or any of the standard party favors anybody who either knows me or reads this knows I enjoy (alcohol, herbal medicine, etc.) would work too, if you're actually gonna get me something...

You hate Ohio too???? I think I love yuuu! Any other states you hate?
Aww I love you too...and besides Ohio, I also dislike most of Jersey...for some reason they both insist on touching Pennsylvania (where I live) though. I have to move...

Why you STAY callin ppl out on facebook lol
Because if I don't, who will? FaceFacts, mafucka!

If I asked you to request one of my Facebook friends so they could see those FB facts you always post, would you? I think they really need it lol I always think of her when I see them.
Soooooo...basically you want to sic my statuses on your friend? Ah, sure, why not, I'm game...inbox me the name or something. They'll likely delete me within a week if they even accept me, but I'll give it a shot...(almost) anything for my readers lol

where do your thoughts of the day come from? do you use Google?
*pssh* That's for amateurs...wait, I guess technically I'm one too...well, that's for...uh...hey, look down there, it's one of my statuses containing one of those FaceFacts me and (probably) someone else were just discussing!:

"Aj Nobodycallsyouthatcomeon Moses
always has a FaceFact on hand: 4 out of 10 Facebookers who go Google-diving for quotes to put as their status do not reflect the principles encouraged by the quote. Another 2 out of 10 have no idea what the hell they just copied and pasted, but figure they'll get a *like* or 2 out of it. These 6 out of 10 Facebookers account for 73% of your news feed. (★starpower★)
"

Short answer: I can think and fill my status boxes (both my own and that of umf-FB division) myself, thxmuch...no Google needed. :p

Have you ever masturbated at your desk?
yup...I'm typing with one hand right now...

hahah lemme stop... hell fuckin' no I don't jerk at work...what type of workplace freaknastiness are you into? Not enough inspiration around here anyway lol

did there HAVE to be a star on that noodle pizza thing you posted on Facebook?
Why yes, yes there did. And it's stuffed pasta pizza pie.


Get it right, thxmuch.

what the hell is Facebook Ettquete (or how ever you spell that)?
It's a social guideline to ensuring you don't look like a total douche factory in front of your family, friends, and the online public (which you can check out here before you potentially embarrass yourself any further lol) If ya don't know, now ya know...

How would you feel if there were no football season next year?
What the...no...huh? What the fuck do you mean "no football season?!" You mean I couldn't watch my Cowboys? What blasphemies do you type of?! You bring with you lies and madness! Leave this site and never come back!!! AAAAAAGHHGHGHGHGHGAAAA!!!!! *head explodes*

Since i met my fiance he has gained I think 50lb. He said he is going to exercise, I even bought him a gym membership, but really, he works too much (over 60 hours/week). I even lost 30lb to help motivate him. Should I just give up on this point?
No. I'd go as far as to say hell no. Sure, you could accept him as he is and things will probably be fine most of the time, but wait until that first real argument comes and see if he isn't suddenly 31 different flavors of "fat fuck". It goes down that way. It's a ticking time bomb. I see he works a lot, so maybe the gym membership wasn't the right approach...the guy is exhausted after work and probably doesn't really feel like the treadmill.

Try changing his diet (I assume you feed him since he works eleventy hours a week) to include less things covered in cheese and more...I don't know, watercress or some shit. Make sure to congratulate him profusely every time he follows the plan and ESPECIALLY when he starts losing weight (even a pound). Hell, maybe even throw in some sexual incentives...I'll leave that between you, him, and the stripper/escort of your choice. He picked the weight up, he can put it down...encourage without nagging and both of you will thank you later.

Are you gonna pour out a little liqour for Nate Dogg?
Yeah, I heard...sad, that man was a hip-hop legend. While I definitely enjoyed his signature hooks, times are waaaaay too hard to be pouring out liquor for anybody. Instead, in tribute, I'll follow a famous piece of advice from his own mouth. (the one that starts with "Hey hey heeeeey"...) RIP, OG.

Welp, that about wraps it for this week...thanks again to everybody who asked a question this week! If you have something you want to ask, need some relationship advice, or just want to anonymously make me really, really uncomfortable at work (really?!) and want your question to appear here next week, hit the blue question box >over there>, or if you prefer a link:

3.15.2011

Bracketalchemy

Well, it's here again...March Madness is once again upon us. Right now all over, job duties are being shirked in favor of poring over brackets filled with expert analysis and long-thought out picks that will be busted all to shit by Monday. Now, I'm a pretty all-around knowledgable sports guy (mostly football...go Cowboys!), but with college basketball there are hundreds of programs scattered all over the country, thousands of games, new players every year...who has time to keep track of 'em all?

Not I...but I still wanted to get in on the good clean fun of filling out a tourney form here at the job. Experienced bracket-fillers call what they do "bracketology", which context clues tell us is the science of brackets. Since there's no science or even much of a method to how I'm gonna do mine, I'm calling it "bracketalchemy"...I picked a bunch of teams for arbitrary reasons, sprinkled in a little sports logic, and see what happens...hey, can't go any worse than most. Oh, you want to hear how Notre Dame became the eventual national champions in my mind? Well, if you'll just follow me from the top right...

1st round
(East)

1) I picked all the 1 seeds to win their first game...when does anything else ever happen? This ain't some bullshit, feel-good, "Air Bud" ass movie, it's March Madness.

2) 'Nova beat George Mason because they're around here...plus one of my favorite co-workers likes 'em. Good enough for me.

3) West Virginia topped a team to be named later. If you can't even get your school's name on the bracket, just go home.

4) Xavier beat Marquette...that's Professor X's real name.

5) Syracuse, Washington and North Carolina advanced because I didn't feel like thinking about it any more.

(West)

1) Tennessee won...I like their unis.

2) 'Zona took it over Memphis...I like schools that don't insist that you call them by their full names. I find it somewhat presumptuous.

3) Texas went all the way to the Elite Eight just because I like throwing up Hook 'Em Horns.

4) Cincinatti's team is called the Bearcats. I figured they deserved a win just because of that automatic loss.

5) Connecticut always wins a couple.

6) Temple, like 'Nova, benefitted from the local bonus.

7) A 15 seed? Please. Not only that, you're from a place in Colorado not called Denver...bye, boys.

(Southeast)

1) Flipped a coin between Illinois and Vanderbilt...congrats, Illini!

2) I really like Vandy's unis.

3) When's the last time you saw an HBCU advance in the tourney?

4) I have friends at Georgetown.

5) I love me some chicken...Purdue always reminds me of it.

6) My initials are A and M...that works.

7) Ohio...lol...

(Southwest)

1) Old Dominion's logo is really cool-looking...Butler's, not so much.

2) Remember why 'Zona won? Same with K-State...they even put it on their jerseys.

3) I needed an upset...since I don't like Wisconsin, Badgers, and don't think Packers fans deserve anything else this year...go Belmont.

4) We don't have a single team from New York yet, do we? (Well, there's Syracuse, but I'm talking about the part people care about) We do now...welcome to the 2nd round, St. John's.

5) BYU, pushed to peak performance by sexual denial, easily trounced Wofford.

6) I just realized I picked every 7 seed...why stop now?

7) Sorry, less popular campus of the University of California...shoulda been a 7 seed.

Sweet, on to the 2nd round!

(East)

1) Damn, Nova took out the Fuckeyes! (Can you tell I dislike Ohio?) Nice going, Wildcats.

2) As you can see, I couldn't figure out how to properly and uniquely abbreviate "Kentucky". As a result, West Virginia won.

3) Wait, don't they call Syracuse "'Cuse"?

4) North Carolina still gets the Jordan Bonus around here.

(West)

1) 1 seed power, baby!

2) Hook 'em!

3) No surprises here...

4) Here either...sorry, Owls.

(Southwest)

1) The Illini is a stupid name.

2) I like Vandy's logo too.

3) Hey, Georgetown friends!

4) That Notre Dame fight song is cool, innit?

(Southeast)

1) I don't like Pittsburgh too much either.

2) I'm riding Belmont for no real reason, it'll make me look smart if it comes true.

3) BYU's morality trumps the oversexed, worldly ballers from St. Johns.

4) Flipped a coin again...plus all the other 7 seeds are gone.

Sweet 16

(East)

1) Nova comes out on top again...could this be a repeat of '85?

2) That Jordan Bonus is potent stuff...

(West)

1) umfJHS is in San Diego...I'm sure the students will be happy to see them win.

(Southwest)

1) Couldn't resist riding one 1 seed...

2) Don't hate me, Georgetown friends...it's the luck o' the Irish. Paddy's day is around the corner...

(Southeast)

1) Continuing to ride Belmont.

2) After a week partying in New Orleans, where the Southeast Division is being held, several BYU players break their vow of celibacy, destroying team chemistry and causing a devastating loss to UCLA. That's what y'all get.

Elite Eight

(East)

1) 'Nova is simply no match for the boys in Carolina blue...you gave it a good run, guys.

(West)

1) Flipped a coin again.

(Southwest)

1) Wouldn't it be cool to have a Final Four without a 1 seed?

(Southeast)

1) Don't most cinderella runs end here in the Elite 8? Belmont's is no different.

FINAL FOUR

1) Hook 'em!

2) UCLA's football team is way better than Notre Dame's. The Fighting Irish deserve something worth fighting for.

Nat'l Champion:

Notre Dame! Since I'm probably not writing a St. Patrick's Day post (how do you top a remixed Jay-Z song with alcohol-themed lyrics?) I figure I'd do this much. That is seriously my rationale.

Hopefully, you enjoyed this look at bracketalchemy...it's going to piss you off if mine is better than yours, isn't it? Welp, let's see how this goes...

3.14.2011

Antiquated Bullshit: Daylight Savings Time

Did you remember to set your clocks forward yesterday? (Not that most clocks here in the future don't set themselves...quick random thought: who still uses that national time service? At the tone, it will be March 14, twentyleven...who's still calling for the time?) I did...well, it did the honors for me, but I couldn't help but wonder why we still do. I mean, just what the hell is it for anyway? I know a long time ago, that crazy, bald old guy from around here who liked flying kites in thunderstorms wanted to save candles or some dumb shit so he invented Daylight Savings Time...but it's roughly 250 years later and we have that electric stuff he clearly liked so much, so I don't see the need for it any more. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, but it's as pointless as a hand with no fingers (or a clock with hands that must be moved bianually). Really, can we be the last generation who does that? I dont want my kids growing up in a world where the clocks can't even be trusted.

I've had beef with this concept for a while, but it really hit me hard this year. See, after this year's random and capricious one-hour time adjustment, I found myself unable to set my body clock...one minute I'm watching "Cheaters" at 11pm Saturday (I do it faithfully, ironically enough...) and the next it's 2 in the morning, a "Springer" rerun is on, and I feel like I've missed something. I slept at some point, but of course my body, confused by this stolen hour, wouldn't go on standby until about 4 this morning. Surprisingly, I woke up at 7:27, right on time for work at 8:30. I celebrated by sleeping 5 more minutes. What I didn't know is that my own body was plotting against me to reclaim that lost hour by any means necessary...I didn't see that I had been tricked until I woke up again around 8:45, somehow went through my whole morning routine in about 12 minutes and got to work at 8:30...or would have if some asshole didn't demand the clocks be changed for no real reason...their clocks claim I was an hour late. (I'm good though...this post will double as a written explanation for my lateness.)

For real, give me one good reason why we play with the time twice a year. Does it still save on candles? No, people use those for scent now, not light...the only effect a change in season has on candle use nowadays is a switch from the warm, wintry "Cinnamon Apple Intercourse" fragrance to the light, spring scent of "Pure Cleansing Breeze with Lavender". Does it matter if the sun were to set at 4:30 all winter? No, because it's cold as shit and anybody with any sense is either on their way to or inside a lighted and climate-controlled building by that time. Does it really benefit mankind in any real way? Nope...most it does is snatch an hour out of our already too-short weekend. (If we have to do this, why does it have to happen on a weekend anyway? Why not on a Friday afternoon so everybody gets out of work/school/community service an hour early?) It's not saving shit, it's Daylight Wasting Time.

I don't know, maybe it's just me that doesn't get it. Honestly, I never thought my aggressively individualistic black ass would ever type this sentence, but if everybody else in the country didn't do it, I damn sure wouldn't. Hell, if you feel that much of a need to balance the daylight, just turn the clock a half hour forward or back or sideways or upside fucking down at some point in the year and LEAVE IT. Forever. Sure, measured time as a whole is pretty arbitrary...the world got along fine before the first sundial. I also understand that it's necessary to section off and keep track of these eventful lives of ours (or even just how long you've been on Xbox Live) ...but I just feel like it should be as simple as possible. 8:30 in December should equal 8:30 in March, May, and August. As far as all that extra shit goes though...they can fall back with springing forward for all I care.

3.11.2011

Two and a Half - 1 = 0

Unless you have no access whatsoever to the internet (and yet somehow managed to end up here) you've heard something about the Charlie Sheen situation. Don't worry, this post isn't too much about him, I'm sure if he's the interdimensional warlock he claims to be, he can close his eyes and make everything all better for himself (or just make the remnants of his career disappear before your very eyes). I wonder more about the lost victim in this quagmire...the show he once starred in before moving on to a career as a global village idiot, "Two and a Half Men".

Since it's where everyone my age and younger knows him from (unless they proceed with plans for "Major League III: 'Roid to the World Series") as well as a pretty entertaining half-hour of TV smallish doses, I have somewhat of an interest in the aftermath of Charlie's Winning Streak as it relates to the show. In the wake of Sheen's firing, CBS left the door open to continuing the show in his absence. (I don't really understand how they're punishing him since CBS will now be the only channel dude is NOT on until his 15 minutes of winning are up. So many lost ad dollars for them...it's like penance.) I have about 529 reasons why that's a bad idea, but I can boil it down to...say...2 and a half.

1) Potential replacements for Charlie include, among others, Uncle Jesse from "Full House". Not only does he play the wrong instrument (a guitar instead of a piano) but you also lose that whole funny little "art imitates life" angle. If you've never seen the show but have seen the recent meltdown, Charlie's character (named, naturally "Charlie") requires little acting chops on Charlie's part...he's a natural fit. The character is a hornied-up, hard-partying womanizer with no regard for anything but his own interests...so it's semi-autobiographical. It would be like making a sequel to 50 Cent's movie "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" starring Ving Rhames or trying to still make "Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood" without Mr. Rogers (wait, that really happened for a week or 2? Oh...well, proves my point).

2) Without him, the show might be 2 and a half minutes long. It's a little like the Wizard of Oz. The other characters form the illusion that a decent TV show is happening, but behind the curtain all there is is Charlie's signature bowling shirt and shorts, a bottle of scotch, and a book of 1,001 sex jokes. Seriously, without him you just have shots of Charlie's milquetoast brother Alan folding socks or something. (I actually feel a little sorry for the rest of the cast...Charlie gets all the press from this, but they're now pretty much out of a job as a result, and nice and typecast as a parting gift. Alan, who lived in Charlie's house due to financial difficulties in the show, ironically may find art imitatiing life in a less visible, more suckish way than his more famous co-star. Now he knows how the other characters in "Hannah Montana" felt when Miley went off the deep end.) I can pretty much guarantee if they do fish some other washed-up hack out of retirement and stick him on the air, it will be a long, protracted failure.

2 1/2) How old is that kid, anyway? He's like 7 feet tall now. Puberty grabbed hold of him with both hands...I think he might be the same age as his father on the show. He went from being a slightly cuteish chubby kid to being Dirk Nowitzski, All-Star NBA forward. When Rudy from "The Cosbys" stopped being so cute, they brought in a new, way more annoying kid for no real reason...I don't want to see that happen here. Please, just put the show out of its misery.

That's my 2 and a half cents on it. I hope NBC does the right thing and just leaves the thing in its grave instead of Frankensteining up some bullshit just to fill a nighttime slot...but of course, they will, to prove the point that "they don't need Charlie". Of course, they do, only slightly less than he needs them...and in 2 and a half weeks when the world grows weary of both the retooled show and its former star and they both fade into oblivion, we'll all know it. Oh well...maybe CBSneeds a new show written...maybe I'll get on that. Happy weekend, umf!

3.10.2011

Shit I don't know how folk lived without: Headphones



Ah, yes, headphones. Ever since the first prototypes of the invention (which weighed 5 pounds per ear, were connected in the middle by a thick, curved band of solid iron held in place by steel plates and rivets, had a chinstrap and required a license) the device has undergone a number of improvements and updates until eventually, we have the tiny headphones and earbuds of today... but just what makes this one of the greatest inventions of mankind? Well, for one, what it does sounds minor until you don't have it any more (don't you hate forgetting your headphones in the morning?) ...that's usually a good start.

Seriously, think about the underrated service they perform in the world of twentyleven. The world is positively filled with white noise...babies crying, construction, technobeeps of all kinds, shows you don't watch being played on public TVs, unnecessarily loud phone use, boomboxes, the conversation of uninteresting people...before, I assume you just had to sit, tolerate it, and wait for insanity to hopefully set in so you could have an excuse for when you finally snapped and took revenge on society for the long and systematic assault on your eardrums. Now with headphones, we have the option to replace all that cacophonous bullshit with sounds of our own choosing...it's the closest thing most people have to a mobile Fortress of Sanity.

Hell, they've helped me today already. Every morning on the train to work, the same simian, rough-looking, chickdudelady gets on at 60th street, blasting dance music out of the speaker on her phone at 8:30 in the morning to the dismay of fellow riders. (Oddly enough, she never dances or even nods her head to the beat...she just sits there with her phone in her hand with a sour face and breathes through her mouth...I think she does it just so people will be as pissed off as her.) Do I have to get up, walk over, rip her phone from her hands and angrily crush it in my palm in order to leave the party I and the whole train car were kidnapped to? Nope...all I have to do is pop in my headphones, put on some music, and everyone (that was smart enough to bring headphones) is happy.

They help me out in the workplace too...I have a couple of co-workers who, likable ladies that they are, often forget there is a dude present for their discussions. (Men often get curious as to what women talk about when we're not around...from the bits and pieces I've scraped up over a long time of earhustling, slightly-too-loud snippets and conversations walked in on involving all females, I'm about 97.56% sure we do not want to know.) I'm not gonna get too detailed here, but suffice it to say some commonly used phrases are "his dick" and "my period". Do I have to politely ask them to shut the fuck up because nobody wants to hear all that girl talk? Nope...instead of fucking with the office coolness dynamic, I just slide in my earphones (or recruit a couple dudes and start up a slightly louder revenge conversation to drown them out, depending on how spiteactive I'm feeling).

Besides blocking out unwanted noise, it also prevents it. Unwanted street advances, both of the romantic and advertising varieties, are down exponentially since the invention of the headphones. Sure, sometimes I hear people asking me if I have a minute...I can just pretend I didn't. In short, headphones serve an invaluable function in the loud, loud world of the future...they let you control the volume. You can say whatever you want about me thinking something so seemingly frivolous could be one of the greatest inventions of mankind...I probably can't hear you, I have my headphones in (but just for your hatin' ass, I'll put on some Cee-Lo Green) ...and that definitely makes this some shit I don't know how folk lived without.

3.09.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

Yo what's good with y'all today, umf'ers? I see we got a lot of questions today, and before I do anything else I wanna thank every one of y'all who took some time out y'all day to ask one of these. Y'all feel loved yet? Cool...let's get this shit started.

So when exactly is breakup season?
Early March-mid May...think it's a joke if you want until you end up single by April Fools' lol

aww whose heart you breakin now?
heh...nobody's, as of now...you must be talking about the breakup post. I really just wrote that to warn the dumpees and class up the dumpers...hell, I could get nexted in the next couple months and I at least want to let her know how to do it with class lol

My boyfriend of 3 months hasn't called me in 2 weeks, I always have to call him now. Lately he hasn't been staying after sex. He took his guitar and his baseball glove home. Is he about to break up with me?
Yeesh. Um...sorry to break this to you, but he already has...just hasn't told you yet. Sorry about that :(

ooooh aj when you makin more videossss
You know what, I haven't made a video since New Years. Maybe I'll do one soon...my birthday is coming up, that's a decent excuse...

lolololol how many girl readers did you lose over this "women make 15% less and deserve it" post? I stumbled on it by accident but it's hysterical and spot-on, even though I don't like it! You've got balls dude...you're bookmarked. (I'm a girl btw ;) )

Well, thank you I'm glad you liked it haha...thanks for the bookmark! Surprisingly, I didn't lose any female readers that I noticed...really, it shocked me. Guess they know as well as I do that they have to pay their Fembership Dues...lol...

What happened to saturday hangover? You slippin AJ last weekend I had to watch infomercials hung over instead of read a new post you doin me wrong brah lmao
hahaha you right, I haven't put one up in 2 weeks...I almost was tempted to not tell you that they're not new posts, just my favorite old ones, but I don't wanna dig my hole any deeper. Tell you what, I'll even let you pick it this week if you want...email me, we'll talk about it.

what's your email address? you don't have on here and I'm too lazy to look.
It's in my profile, lazy ass...and it's goldNboi7@gmail.com ...what are you gonna send me? Better not be a virus, spam, or the wrong kind of porn...

If you want people to fan you on FaceBook so bad, why don't you have a easy button for it?
Hmm, I thought I did...it's right over the "Formsprung" question box >over there>...maybe you're right, but I'm not a big programming/HTML guy...anybody help me out with more Facebook *like* visibility? (oh, and if you REALLY wanted to do it, you could use this link until I figure out something less janky lol)

What's your stand on ex-boyfriends?
I don't have any lol

would u give ur gf ur FB pw?

For what? She's not AJ Nobodycallsyouthatcomeon Moses, she doesn't need his password (and he should quit referring to himself in the 3rd person.)

What are you giving up for Lent?
I gave up Lent for Lent long ago hahaha...I'm an Anthonist now...

Are you still doing hoodrat research lol
I think I've completed my research for now...I'm on hiatus from hoodrat studies (a girl named Purple will do that to you lol)

Do you think tats on girls are sexy?
They CAN be...a couple can be very cute. Even a big piece can be sexy if tastefully done...but if she looks like a radioactive box of Lucky Charms exploded on her and seared rainbows, clovers and blue moons all over her body, I can't fuck with it... I mean, am I really supposed to take you seriously with "diva" tattooed on your face?

You tell me...

why didn't I get a shoutout when I joined UMF?! It's not fair!
hahaha I just started doing it last week...you could always unjoin and rejoin...hell, I'll save you the trouble if you want it that bad, just message me on Facebook or something and I'll shout you out for little or no reason, I guess...anything for my readers :p

I have this couple on my friendslist who seem to only talk to each other and every status is about how one loves the other. I think it's soooooo annoying but I didnt see them in youre FB guide. Are they a new FB species?
Nope...just one I missed the first time around. Here ya go tho:

the Lovers (binarii codependus)- these Facebookers have chosen each other as mates, and want everyone to know it. They often talk to each other, make plans and declare their love for each other while on Facebook, despite the fact that they may be physically together at the time. Their bond is something they take pride in, and as a result, many of their statuses reference the other partner. However, an interesting feature of this Facebook symbiosis is that the entire path of their relationship is visible to all their family and friends, who may or may not find it as enthralling as they do...but probably not. One of the most tragic phenomenae in Facebook Interpersonal Studies occurs with an unmatched Lover. This occurs when one partner makes every other status about their supposed Faceboo, and the other (usually male) disavows any knowledge of a connection.

Common Status Updates: "Loving my man/girl!", "My man/girl is such a _____ but I love him anyway!", "Ony my way to see my man/girl!", "Soooooo in love with my man/girl!", "My man/girl is so funny, he/she *did or said something that is only funny to those 2 people*", (after a breakup) "all men/girls are %$#@&***%..."

Maybe I should do a part II haha...

2 parter- about that status whoa thing on the UMF page, do you use any of your readers stats? I think I'd be a little hurt if one of mine ended up there. o and if I gave you some of my friends' stats, would you use them? I can think of a few ppl I want pu
Damn 250 character question limit...anyway:

1) While I admit my trigger finger is a bit slower for umf'ers than other, less cool folk for "Status Whoa", if anybody puts themselves squarely in my crosshairs of ridicule you can bet they gonna get it lol... If you're really sweatin it, you could just read my Facebook Ettiquette Guide...you'll be pretty much bulletproof after that.

2) Hell yeah I would! Email 'em, post 'em on my wall, message me with 'em...let's all laugh at each other's friends lol

Damn that was a big mailbag...good shit, people, I 'preciate it. Thanks again to everybody who contributed this week! If you want to put in on this shit next week, find the blue question box >over there> (it's right under the umf fanpage thingy) and go for it, or if you click links for curiousity as a hobby:

3.08.2011

American Idiom

You know, l fux with the English language (well I guess it's technically American but work with me)...it's a very flexible language. I have a hell of a time experimenting around here with it every day (even wrote posts with my favorite and least favorite words) and if you have even a halfway knowledege of it, it's a fascinating way to communicate. There are myriad ways to say what one wants to say, and based on the tone, connotations, and context of the words you choose, the same phrase can have completely different meanings. (Think about something as simple as saying you will "take care of" someone in different scenarios...depending on the whos, whats, why's and hows, it could mean you're about to nurse a sick relative, pay for a friend's meal, watch a neighbor's kids, serve a john, or rub out a snitch before trial.)

However, despite my relationship with English, I can't say I truly understand all of it. (Just like any other relationship, I guess...) The explantion is simple: English's biggest strength and greatest weakness is a lot like Wikipedia's...it's on point most of the time, but any asshole can pretty much just add to it as he sees fit as long as he has enough people to back him up on it. (Here's proof!) As a result, along with all of the beautifully crafted words and phrases we hear in conversations, read in books...oh wait...um, on the internet and use ourselves, our language is littered with a bunch of shit that just doesn't make sense. People refer to most of them as "idioms", and while some are clever and fun, others give me brain spasms. I understand figures of speech...but I also figure that most people who speak these things a lot have no fucking idea what they're talking about. I might be wrong, but I'll share and you decide. Let's just dive right in here... (see, there's one that makes sense!)

"For the birds"- What the fuck does that even mean? Unless the place where you said that is a pet shop, a bird sanctuary, a statue in a park or a meeting of some orinthological society, that place is certainly not for the birds. In fact, I don't even think birds would like it most places people say that. I even at one point tried to justify if by assuming "birds" was in the sense that refers to females, but I heard someone say school was for the birds and there were definitely dudes there. I also thought about the original meaning for the school thing...while many of my classmates were about as smart as birds, some of them were male and most didn't have feathers. Wrong on both counts. Chris Brown says that "all that bullshit is for the birds"...I say all that "for the birds" is bullshit.

"Cold shoulder"- Another one I don't get. Out of all the body parts to show to indicate disdain and contempt, you come up with the shoulder? How about the cold finger? The cold buttcrack? The cold taint? (Not THAT'S disrespect...if somebody shows me their taint out off spite, it's an automatic duel to the death!) Anyway, how does a shoulder become cold independently of the rest of the body? I thought those puffy vests with fur trim white girls like to wear all winter and pretend they aren't freezing in offered the answer, but those are cold shoulderS...plural. Whatever...the cold shoulder can pardon my back.

"Drunk as a fish"- I've been drunk many, many times. I've been drunk within the last 12 hours. I've been buzzed, twisted, trashed, fucked up, three sheets to the wind, and occasionally (and unintentionally) wasted...but never drunk as a fish. You know why? Fish swim around in water, which is about zero proof. If fish swam in rum, I would wring out fish filets...but they don't. Drinking "LIKE" a fish? Sure, I get that. Being drunk AS a fish...not so much. Last call for this nonsense.

"soup to nuts"- Does it describe a "Meals on Wheels" targeted at crazy folk or a situation in which minestrone was unnecessarily sent back in a restaurant by a picky diner and the cook decided to show his displeasure at the insult? Who knows...

"cut the mustard"- How the hell does one cut mustard? It's used as a metaphor for competence and ability, and I say you have it in spades if you can actually cut a liquid condiment. I mean, I guess if you wanted to be a smartass you could freeze it and cut it that way, but just the image of a mustard-flavored popsicle is enough to make me disqualify that idea. I just can't squeeze any meaning out of it.

"dead as a doorknob"- Obituary: "Doorknob passed away yesterday after a long, fulfilling life. Doorknob had a hard start...it was screwed almost as soon as it was made, but after being adopted and given an upright background, it was able to unlock many opportunities for itself. After a short career as a dentist, it had a string of run-ins with the law in which it was claimed that it had given a black eye to a number of housewives. However, Doorknob's life motto was "everyone gets a turn", and he often applied this to its own life. It was able to turn its life around, and spent its remaining years as a philanthroist, opening doors for itself and others. Eventually, old age caught up to it and it could not even function without shaking and jiggling, but it performed its duties well until the time of its death. It will be truly missed by the family that adopted it, especially the younger sister, who claims his big brother locks her in the room it once lived in for hours at a time." See how stupid that sounds? Yeah...

"360 degree turnaround"- I love when people say this...it's a favorite of new years' resolvers. They mean to indicate that they plan on making a radical change in their lives, but they don't know that 180 would have covered them...360 puts you right back where you started after spinning out for a while. Actually, considering how the plans of most folk who say this turn out, it might be a more accurate description this way.

"at a fraction of the cost"- You see this on infomercials all the time. They love to say how their product or service does as much or more than the competition "at a fraction of the cost", but never mention what that fraction is. As I mention here all the time, I'm no mathlete...but there are a lot of fractions. Sure, it could be half or even a quarter...I know those measurements, they use it to ration out weed...but isn't 5/6ths a fraction? 7/8ths? I'm not sure you're saving all that much. How about 2 2/3? (That's like 8/3...hey, I did pick up a little something! Of course, they still lied when they said I'd NEED that in school.) That's more than 1! The thing about this phrase is that it's only a fraction of the information you need.

"cat's out of the bag"- Where to start with this one...
1) Who on Landry's green earth keeps a cat in a bag?
2) Why didn't it try to escape?
3) Was the cat sleeping? It was pretty still for a long time.
4) What kind of creepy cat is comfortable sleeping in a bag?
5) How much do the person's hands who placed this cat in this bag look like hamburger meat?
6) Do they plan to eventually re-bag the cat?
7) Paper or plastic?

"stay black"- This one irks me for obvious reasons. First of all, what choice do I have? I will die exactly as black as I was born. Second, nobody else says that shit...you don't see people going "stay white", "stay Cherokee", "stay Korean", "stay Arab"...not even "stay lez" or anything. Third, it's mostly black people that say it to me...they should know firsthand that there's no black-in-the-box handle that you can crank for a while until a white guy pops out of you like one of those little knickknack people that fit inside each other...so...what? Are they concerned about my Beiber exposure levels? I intentionally keep them low...are they afraid I'll run around in whiteface? Wouldn't work, the beard is a dead giveaway. Are they concerned I'll just wake up some other color one day? I've heard of spontaneous combustion, but spontaneous Caucasian? I think we can put our worries to bed here...I'm gonna stay black whether you say it to me or not, so just save your breath, feel me?

That about wraps it up for this look at some common sayings that lack common sense. Maybe I'm looking at it wrong, but I just can't see how they mean what they're supposed to. Some turns of phrase just make my head spin...

3.04.2011

Good news, everyone!

Hey, what's good with y'all this Friday? I gotta tell you, I'm pretty charged up today...not just because it's the weekend or even that I have about 3 whole weekend's worth of entertainment in my pocket (always better to buy semi-nonperishables in bulk, whether the product is in stores or not) I'm juiced cuz today we're gonna try something new...a weekly umf newsletter! It's called "You, Me, and Friday" and it's available with membership in team umf- FB division (aka my Facebook fanpage) and along with being a rewind of the week's umf foolishness, there's a couple extra things in there for all umf'ers...here's the basic rundown.

umf ReCap- I realize not everybody has time to be reading my random bullshit every day...so for the reader with the busy lifestyle (or a lifestyle at all) who prefers their posts in a lump sum instead of payments, there's this. If you missed a post, here's where you can check it out...if you liked a post, here's where you can learn to love it. Go ahead, waste 10 minutes with me...you might even not want them back.

MySpacebook Name of the week- This is where a person with the tardedest "name" I see (or that gets nominated by one of y'all) during the week's Facebook Studies will be recognized and ridiculed. This person doesn't have to be a friend of mine or yours...just has to have some dumb ass made up name. (Nobody calls you that, come on...)

Camera Phone Ninja of the week- There are few things more fun to do in the streets than taking pictures of silly mafuckas who leave the house looking all fucked up on purpose. I do it all the time, and lately I noticed my Facebook friends have started doing it too. (What can I say, I'm a trendsetter lol) I used to have a thing called "Camera Phone Ninja" on here where I posted all those crazy ass pics, but why should I have all the fun? You can be a Ninja too...just catch a flick of some odd street shit and send it to me or post it on your page. (Don't worry, if I have to steal it off your page I'll ask first...and remember, the caption counts!) Every week, I'll pick a good one, tag it, and name the taker as Camera Phone Ninja of the Week. Oh, and I'll throw in a Ninja Secret every week so we all can master the dark and hilarious art of being a Camera Phone Ninja.

AJ's thought of the day: This is a umf fanpage staple, but so I don't take up your whole news feed with alerts, I'll just slap Friday's on the back of the newsletter...cuz I can do that.

and, since the fan page and thus the newsletter is on Facebook, this only makes sense...

7 Standout Statuses- I spend so much time taking shots at people who use Facebook the wrong way that I barely get time to recognize folk who are doing it right...here's where that changes. This is where I'm gonna pick 7 of my friends (that's some of you...could be more) statuses that made me laugh, think, or spit out a mouthful of beer while laying baked on my couch scrolling through Facebook that week. There are a few judging criteria:

1) Funny counts for a lot...it's a humor site, what do you want?

2) I'm ineligible...unless I really, really like one of mine, then it's whatever I say. I won't be a dick about it though, promise.

3) Twittercrests (#thisthingy) are a score deduction...if the shit is good anyway it won't matter, but if it becomes a judgement call for me...

4) Original thoughts (as far as I can tell that they are) will be given preference over quotes, but if I'm really feelin' it, it still has a shot.

5) Ideally, we will have 7 different winners every week, but if you have 2 statuses I really fux with, so be it.

That's about it. Winners will be tagged in the newsletter, but not to the specific status, just in case they only wanted their own Facebook friends reading it...I thought of pretty much everything.) If I get rich and famous, or even stable and known one day, I'll start handing out prizes or something...but that can't happen unless more people read this...*wink wink, nudge nudge, cough likeumfonFacebookandbringafriend cough*

Aight, that's pretty much what's gonna go down on the fanpage around every Friday afternoon, or for as long as it's not a total failure. (Don't sweat it, y'all will get a real post next week lol) You can email me any time with all contributions, suggestions, and other shit for the newsletter or anything else umf-related. So if you find my ideas fascinating and would like to subscribe to my newsletter, all you gotta do is join the team. First issue coming soon (update: now :) ), but until then...have a great Friday, umf!

3.03.2011

Call Centered

"The customer is always right". I'm sure you've heard those words before...it's an old, old saying that originated with the first cavebusinessmen. (Well, some of the first...since the world's oldest profession is what it is, I'm pretty sure the first entrepreneur was a pimp and the sales adage there is definitely "buyer beware". I have no records to back that up, but the image of a Neanderthal in a lime green fur pelt with a shiny-rock encrusted club dragging one of his Hoe-Magnons around by the hair makes me laugh, and that's good enough for me...wait, what was I talking about?) It's more or less a way to say that the buyer has the money the seller wants, and until the buyer is satisfied the seller won't get a penny, which is bad for business.

However, it seems that here in the future, we have forgotten that...companies have somehow gotten very bold. Somewhere along the line, they got the idea that THEY are always right. (Like the time I moved and needed a new, apartment size refrigerator and the Frigidunces showed up with a fuckin' meat locker. Had to tell them off too...but in the end, I got what I wanted...at a discount!)

One of their favorite ways to show you you're their bitch is by charging all kinds of exorbitant, made-up fees and shit and expecting you to just take it lying down. They give them cute little names like "processing fee", "upgrade surcharge" and "maintenance fee", but really it's not all that different from some overgrown, thrice-left-back 4th grader turning one of his smaller classmates upside down and shaking him until coins, candy and small toys rain from his pockets onto the linoleum below. (And people say I was wrong for telling kids bullying is a lifetime thing...)

The sad part is, most folk often do just that...they shut up and pay them without incident because...they don't want the company mad at them, I guess. I don't fuckin' know. Check this out though...here's what they don't want you to know...the customer is STILL right.

You can get just about any reasonable request honored, and it's as simple as 3 words: just keep calling. 85% of the time, they get sick of hearing your voice and just give you what you want so they don't have to talk to you any more...which is fine with me since the feeling's mutual. I do it all the time and you can too...it usually goes something like this:

*AJ picks up phone, dials*

Recording: Welcome to InfoSmart Services. For English, say or press "English".

AJ: What?

Recording: I'm sorry, but What ain't no country I ever heard of. Do they speak English in What? If yes, press 1. If no, press 2. If yes, but it is not the national language or your first tongue, press--

AJ: Fuck this...

*AJ presses 0*

Recording: Please hold while a representative responds to your call. Your call is kinda important to us, but clearly not that important or we would have more people answering phones. For faster service, please enter your Customer ID.

*AJ punches in Customer ID, bad quality hold music plays for 17 minutes* (it's the companies' secret weapon...they think you'll eventually tire of it and give up, allowing them to win. The secret is to put the phone on speaker and ignore it until you hear a live human voice.)

Happy White Girl: Hello, this is InfoSmart Services, I'm Joy, how are you today?

AJ: Eh...I'm aight...you?

Joy: I'm so glad to hear you're ah ite. I'm pretty swell too, thanks so much for asking! To expedite your service can I ask your name?

AJ: I'm AJ.

Joy: How can I assist you today, Mr. AJ?

AJ: Just regular AJ is fine...Mr. AJ is my dad...well...not really, I guess...but still, regular AJ is fine. Anyway, I got my bill today and it's a bit high...can I get some info on that?

Joy: Why certainly, I'd be glad to take a look at that. Hold please!

AJ: Sure.

*hold music plays, AJ sits impatiently, Joy signs onto Twitter, tweets a few twits, comes back*

Joy: Ok, Mr. AJ. I've looked at your account with us and it looks like while you paid the principal of your bill, you neglected to pay the zoning fee and handling fee. Without that, we can't provide you service.

AJ: When did that start?

Joy: When your 47-week, auto-renewing trial period that was never discussed ran out. Anyway, it looks like you will have to pay those fees if you want our service.

AJ: Well since I did pay the part of my bill we discussed, and have been doing so consistently for a while now, can't you waive those fees?

Joy: I'm sorry, Mr. AJ, there's nothing we can do.

AJ: Sure there is, you just don't want to. You know what, can I speak to someone else? No offense, but you just don't seem to be the person to help me...and I told you, it's just AJ.

Joy: All right, Mr. AJ, I'll get you right on over to customer "care" and we can straighten this out for you.

AJ: Why did you say "care" like that? Did you just do air quotes?

Joy: Uh...we appreciate you being a loyal InfoSmart customer, kthxbai!

*hold music plays for 23 minutes*

Foriegn-Sounding Voice: Goodafternoon welcome to EenfoSmarrrrt hkcustomerhkcare department, thissis Sanjay howmayIassistyouto day?

AJ: Uh...hey Sanjay. I'm having a little dispute with my--

Sanjay: Pleasehold.

*hold music plays, AJ sighs*

Sanjay: Ok, I'vetaken alookatyoura gountin formation and--

AJ: But you didn't ask for my name or my--

Sanjay: Holdplease.

*hold music plays, AJ growls lightly*

Sanjay: Yes, I've takena lookatyoura countin formation andit lookslike you have somefeesyouneedto take gare of before we gan hkconintue. Do youhave a greditordebit hkcard?

AJ: What?! Why are we talking about payment when we haven't fixed my problem yet? You didn't even ask for my--

Sanjay: Pleaseholdplease.

*AJ growls angrily, twitches, considers suicide* (this is usually where people give up in frustration)

Sanjay: Allright I see your account--

AJ: Ay, peep this, man...I want to talk to your manager.

Sanjay: Butit's a long distance hkcall!

AJ: I asked for your manager, not a crash course in outsourcing structure. Look, man, I don't mean to antagonize you, this isn't your fault...but it's becoming your fault the more you jerk me around here. Just connect me to your manager and we can move on with our lives.

Sanjay: Iun derstand. I willdo asyourequest.

AJ: Thanks, dude.

Sanjay: Thank you, call again!

*hold music plays for 2 hours* (they make you wait the longest when you've actually convinced them to do something they don't want to do in the hopes that you'll hang up and they won't have to do shit)

American Male: Hello, this is Steve, InfoSmart Eastern regional supervisor, can I have your name?

AJ: Hey, Steve, it's AJ.

Steve: All right, Aj...how can I help you?

AJ: Well, I'm an unhappy customer...

*Steve audibly spits out coffee*

Steve: An unhappy...you're not...what?!

AJ: Yeah, I'm very upset with your deceptive billing practices and high fees...I'm considering takin my business (dun dun DUN!) ...elsewhere.

Steve: Well I'm looking at your account...you've been with us for a while and had good payment history...what's the problem?

AJ: I got my bill and there's hundreds of extra dollars charged to me when I already paid my bill. I just can't afford it...if I have to pay these fees (*scoff*) it'll be the last money I can give you guys.

Steve: Oh, no, no...that's sad. Well, we're a family here at InfoSmart...

AJ: I say this in a friendly way, but...cut the shit, Steve...

Steve: Fine...you got to me, you're obviously not easily bullshitted. As a person with vested stake in the company, I actually realize that each customer lost is potential dollars out of my pocket. I say this in a friendly way, but fuck that. Well, how can we fix this? Who do I have to fire? Would you like a happy ending?

AJ: Uh...na, I'm good...just the fees waived would be fine.

Steve: Done.

AJ: Awesome.

*Steve clicks one button on computer, all is made right*

Steve: Anything else?

AJ: Nope, I'm good.

Steve: Well all right, thanks for being a loyal InfoSmart customer, have a great day!

AJ: Aight, bye.

*click*

In all seriousness, those 3 words can save you a lot of money, and I know it for a fact. I backed Clear down from $50 to $25 a month for the exact same internet service. Earlier this month, T-Mobile claimed that I had overused my unlimited text messages (do not deboggle your mind, that was exactly what I typed) and as a result, owed them some ludicrous sum of money ending in "thousand".

Most people would have just switched carriers or something, but a few phone calls, Indian call centers, explanations of the meaning of "unlimited", and cuss words later, here I sit with a $1,300 bill credit...they even paid my bill for this month. Better have, bitches.Hell, just yesterday my bank claimed that I had overdrafted my account with a purchase, despite there being hundreds of dollars in the account at the time of the transaction in question and thought they were welcome to $70 of my money as a result. Uh, no. Sure I spent an hour on the phone arguing over less than $100, but saving money is very green...and with the money I got back, I can buy some green too.

I mean, make no mistake, it ain't easy...doing this requires patience (or just something else to do while on hold...I know damn well I have none) and willpower. Companies hate to give money back once they've shaken it out of you. Also realize that you might not get everything you want every time, but you can get something most of the time. You may have to call back multiple times (think about how your own job works...there are managers who are assholier than others everywhere...all you may need to get what you want is a shift change) but it works way more than it doesn't. You're the customer...it's your money, act like it. So next time you need some assistance but all you're getting is ass to kiss, remember...just keep calling, just keep calling.
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