"FfYL" Full Penetration Discourse- Part III, Chapter 2: (f.u.c.k.)- Your Profile Picture

*fittedwearer's note: You might be familiar with my first book, entitled "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". You might even know about the chapter previews of said book I have around here I affectionately refer to as "FfYL Quickies". 

What you might not be aware of is that many of the chapters in the book were ported directly from umf...I polished 'em up a bit, of course...there's a big gap between lunchtime ramblings and book chapter...but the source material cannot be denied. 

However, the purpose of me typing all this is to let y'all know how much I love umf'ers. Clearly I do, because what I'm doing now is giving you what pretty much amounts to an album cut of these old umf posts. They're actual chapters from "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge", and I share them with you in the hopes that you'll like 'em enough to support me anyway...or maybe just read the damn thing, period. 

Anyway, since I've decided to go all the way in on these select chapters, they will be hereby known as "Full Penetration Discourse", as opposed to the half-chapter "Quickies". Tee-hee. 

Aight, here we go...today's is from part III, "For your Social Networking", and goes by the name (f.u.c.k.)- Your Profile Picture. Behold:

Chapter 2: (f.u.c.k.)- Your Profile Picture

One of the most important decisions you will make in your social networking journey is the profile picture you choose to use as the face of your internet interactions.

There is a Latin term, "prima facie", that literally means "on its first face" or loosely, "the first impression". It's often used in legal circles and courts of law, but for the purposes of this section, I've decided to apply it to the internet's favorite court of public opinion, social networks. 

You see, the first thing anyone sees anytime you decide to make your presence online known is your default picture. What has somehow escaped common knowledge is that many inferences can be made with pretty fair accuracy simply by looking at one's picture. 

Of course, people are more than their pictures just like their status updates are not necessarily a peek into the depths of their soul--at least I hope not in some cases--but if a status, something you wear temporarily but that may make permanent statements, translates to real life as a t-shirt, a profile picture is analogous to your actual face. 

This doesn't mean that the picture has to necessarily be of your face, that's just a convenient way for people that have seen you before in the matrix to identify you online.

It could be anything you want, your cat, Spider-Man, a captioned internet meme photo...but the point is that the image you choose has a lot to do with the image you present online to your friends, family, co-workers, classmates, and other random mafuckas. After all, you put it up, so it can be safely assumed that it says something about you that you want said...but what are you saying? 

To that end, I've prepared a list of common profile picture types and the messages they may send to others, whether you realize it or not. With this knowledge, you can be aware of exactly which 1,000 words are being spoken about you when your picture comes up online.

A normal picture of one's face (smile optional)- I'll start with this one because it was the original picture form, even back before the internet, when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

For some reason, it's become far less common in modern times. This standard picture serves no purpose other than to identify the person in it...which, of course, is the entire point of a photograph in most cases.

What it says about you: "I'm a reasonably normal human being, or at least I play one on the internet."

The Internet Pose of the Week- More representative of what has become common in recent times, this type of picture involves the subject in a bizarre juxtaposition for the benefit of a camera.

This can take the form of "planking", which is lying prone in random settings with varying degrees of danger, such as in a retail store, in the middle of a busy intersection, or on a 7th story balcony railing that's about as thin as a balcony railing (true story), "owling" which entails crouching in a manner vaguely reminiscent of an owl while perched atop an object, or any other weird positioning phenomenon that pops up in the future.

What it says about you: "Look what I can do!"...you know, like the giant special man-baby from Mad TV.

The Paycheck Pic- Perplexingly common to those with low-paying hourly jobs, this kind of picture involves cashing a check on payday and taking a picture of all $219 while either held fanned in the hand or strewn about a room, creating what is intended to be an ostentatious visual effect.

This effect is mitigated by the fact that the room in which most subjects choose to do this in is never clean. Even more vexing is their apparent ignorance of the fact that if they actually did have any financial means to speak of, they would have to prove it to no one. The only thing rich here is the comedy of it all.

What it says about you: "I've never had anything of value and have probably never seen this much money in the same place."

Toke Shot- For a still-undetermined reason, posting pictures on the internet of oneself using substances that are unfortunately illegal at the moment has become all the rage in recent years. Some think this variety of picture makes one look like a cool guy. In reality, this person is more like a rapper who talks about all the illegal activities he has supposedly perpetrated. Anybody who actually knows what they're doing would never let the wrong people know about it.

What it says about you: "I really, really want everyone that peruses this social network, employers, law enforcement, and everybody else, to know that I smoke marijuana."

Duck Face- An overwhelmingly female picture type, it involves poking the lips out into what is probably meant to be a sexy, pouty face, but really more looks like the person has lemon juice extract where their saliva should be or that their mouth hole is a couple sizes too small. Apparently this look has come into vogue, as more and more people have adopted this arrangement of the face as an attractive presentation of themselves.

What it says about you: "Quack."

New Tat Pic- Often, people choose to let the people they know check out their new tattoo by posting a picture of it online.

While there is nothing inherently wrong with this, some of the tattoos present ripe opportunities for ridicule, either through poor concept or execution. This becomes particularly troublesome for those who claim they got their tattoos "for the summer", when they actually got them for the lifetime.

An especially hilarious example of this involves an otherwise normal picture of a person newly decorated with ink fail slathered across their face/neck/hands/breasts/lower back.

What it says about you: "Hey y'all, check out what I want on me for the rest of my life! Isn't it cool looking for now?"

Ancient Ruins pic- This picture most often depicts an attractive person at a young age. The only problem is that the person in that picture is long gone, either aged poorly or in some tragic cases, eaten by someone who vaguely resembles them.

Most commonly, this involves a picture of someone that's 25+ and decent posting a picture of when they were 18 and blindingly hot. Technically, this is a picture of them...but only in the same way that that rusted out junker the home-challenged like to have sex in that sits on a few cinder blocks in an abandoned lot somewhere may have once been a Shelby Mustang.

What it says about you: "In my mind, I still look this way. I hope you think so too."

MySpace angle- This picture, popularized on an archaic social network and commonly utilized by females to this day, is accomplished by aiming one's camera or smartphone at a downward angle toward the face before taking a picture.

It is a favorite of those with something to hide, be it facial hair, acne, an abstract face, or 50 extra pounds. Through some dark sorcery, all of these are diminished or even eradicated completely simply by taking the picture at this angle. An interesting note is that for every 10 degrees the camera is angled up, the subject appears approximately 5.49% more attractive. Unfortunately, this effect cannot be duplicated in real life.

What it says about you: "This is how I would look if life were more fair."

Middle Finger Up- Another common pose involves the extension of the middle finger. This shot indicates a cavalier attitude towards one's perception, and can often be misinterpreted as a direct statement to everyone who looks at it. This is rarely the case...otherwise, you wouldn't be friends. Duh.

What it says about you: "If you don't like me or my picture, fuck you."

Bubble Face- This new facial expression of unknown meaning involves tucking the lips tightly against the teeth and filling all available space in the mouth with air. It serves little purpose other than to make the subject look like they have a case of the mumps.

What it says about you: "Any change in my face is an improvement from the standard."

Drinking Pic- Many people enjoy taking pictures of themselves in various states of drinking and drunkenness. Admittedly, it's fun to do, but this picture may send the wrong impression...or the right one.

What it says about you: "I’m not a drunk, I’m an alcohobbyist!”

Cleavage Pic- Another common one for females are pictures which emphasize, or show almost entirely in some cases, their exposed chest area. Some people frown upon this practice, as it is inherently attention-seeking, desperate and gauche...but if those things were the best part of your personality, you would probably show them off too.

What it says about you: "You, having seen all I have to offer both you and humanity at large, now have no need to concern yourself with my non-sexual merit as a woman."

Back Shot- A close cousin of the Cleavage Pic, this sends a very similar message. An added note is that if the subject gets attention for this kind of picture and none for those that actually show their face, they're far less attractive than they have been led to believe by others on the internet.

What it says about you: "This is likely much better looking than my face."

Full Monty Flick- While exceedingly rare, every so often some dippy, attention-starved bitch decides to take off all her clothes in a picture and put it on the internet without being paid for it.

While her male friends likely appreciate this, she should realize that nothing on the internet really ever gets deleted...so the attention she so fervently craves will one day come from an future employer, future spouse, or future (if not current) child. Some say the past is the past (and are wrong), but on the internet, there IS no past...only the not-as-present.

What it says about you: "My daddy never hugged me/hugged me a bit too much."

Hitman Shot- A relatively new category, but ever since people began to solicit murder on the internet's public forums, it has become necessary to cover.

It has probably been going on ever since people used America Online, but came to the public eye when one such private contractor decided to make a picture of him posing with his office tools his default image right before he was contacted by an party interested in his services. After he was contacted by another interested party, the police, both conspirators went the fuck to jail.

Few people are stupid enough to appear online brandishing a gun that they plan to use illegally, but every so often someone tries it. Be that someone at your own dumb ass risk.

What it says about you: "I'm way too hard for Facebook...and I need that stack first."

Default Default- This image, often a simple silhouette of a person, is the picture that a site will display for those who have not yet chosen a picture.

It means one of 3 things, either they haven't been a member that long, they don't use the service all that much, or the vague resemblance to a human being that the default default image has is stronger than the person's own.

What it says about you: "I haven't figured out how to use this conflab thing yet!"

Baby Pic- Most babies are cute (and even those that are a bit off just "aren't cute yet"). Accordingly, they are a popular choice to display as a profile picture.

Nothing can really be held against a proud parent or family member who shows off an adorable little bundle of joy to their friends for a few days, but if it becomes a permanent thing, it's a bit suspicious, as there are very few actual babies on any current social network. 

This type of picture also raises the very interesting question of just what happens when an entire generation grows up on the internet. I know there are pictures of myself when I was a rugrat that I don't want anyone to see for any length of time, let alone everyone seeing it forever.

What it says about you: "Look at the baby! Isn't it cute? Isn't it? ISN'T IT! Goddamn you, say the baby is cute!!! "

Group Photo- Although most people who appear in group shots do so to be seen with a group of their friends, some use them as a smokescreen to disguise the fact that they're the friend that make the rest look better, as not everyone would immediately know which person they are.

A common example is a picture showing a group of friends getting ready for a night out standing near what appears to be the vehicle they will use to get there...but it's actually just a large and unattractive friend.

It's a tricky practice, but can be easily detected by pictures that lack proper tagging to create confusion about the identities of those in the picture.

What it says about you: "Hey, look at everybody but me!"

Shirtless Guy: Many physically fit men enjoy showing off their fit bodies to females online. What they sometimes fail to realize is that they also have male friends who may not necessarily want to see that shit every time they see them on the site. That being the case, they should probably save it for the albums…at least that way, people will be able to look at it on purpose.

What it says about you: "I want all my posts deleted off my male friends' walls because people are starting to ask weird questions about his friendship with me. Also, I was likely a fat kid...and look at me now!"

Significant Other Shot: Couples often choose to show that they care about each other with a picture of the both of them as a profile picture. When both partners have this picture it's kind of a cute way for those who care about each other to show it to the world.

However, in many cases one partner has a picture of the couple and the other does not. Of course, the party without a picture of them both probably isn't really in the relationship...but you can't tell the poor sucker who goes with them that.

What it says about you: "I'm taken!"

Sports Logo- Pretty obvious. However, it's always interesting to see if the logo changes to a different team in the same sport when the team's fortunes change. It lets you know a lot about the nature of their character.

What it says about you: "Go _______!"

Pet Shot- Some people choose to put up pictures of their pet in place of a picture of themselves. Pets are often cute. These people are often not.

What it says about you: "I'm one step under making this pet a Facebook page of its own."

The "Model Pic"- Something straight out of "Zoolander", this picture is ripe for parody. Usually involving an aesthetically challenged person making a face which was intended to be pensive, mysterious, and sensual...but usually comes out looking constipated.

Some people will even attempt to add artsy flair to this kind of picture, making it black-and-white, sepia-toned, and otherwise modifying a picture that didn't need to be taken in the first place. Some of the funniest examples of this kind of picture involve females wearing too much makeup…they should remember that it’s their face they’re painting, not one of that afro-wearing public access guy’s pictures with happy trees and shit.

What it says about you: "I'm very good looking, you just can't see it."

The Shopped Photo- Photoshop is one of the greatest gifts and worst curses of mankind. It has given us innumerable moments of comedy, both intentional and otherwise...this kind of profile picture is one of them.

Afflicted by some anatomical malady or pulchritude shortage, this person has skipped over camera tricks and moved on to the more advanced method of digital photo editing.

Photo editing, as anyone who lives in the future knows, is a powerful tool that can turn pretty much anything into pretty much anything else with enough expertise...so of course it can transform an average (or worse) looking people into the cover of People magazine.

The problem with this is, they haven't figured out how to Photoshop real life yet, so many is the social networking belle of the ball who turns back into a pumpkin when they log off.

What it says about you: "I may be insecure and pathetic, but I am computer-savvy...that counts for something, right?

Bathroom Mirror Flick- One of the most common kinds of pictures, it has a few telltale signs, such as a camera flash in a mirror, the camera or camera phone actually being captured in the picture, and...oh, the fucking bathroom behind them.

One of the most entertaining parts about this variety of picture is that people often try and make their sexiest faces in the least sexy room in any given home....who doesn't see a toilet and get horny?

Luckily, with the advent of front-facing cameras for smartphones, this kind of picture is expected to decline. Hey, at least you learn a bit about their living conditions.

What it says about you: "Check my style...and my tile!"

The Flipbook- This is the most vexing ones, as in most cases the location and facial expressions in the picture do not vary from picture to picture, defeating the entire fucking point of taking that many fucking pictures. This causes a flipbook-type effect if you scroll through their pictures really fast.

The purpose of taking the exact same picture with a different shirt every fucking day has never been fully explained, but one theory states that most people who do this are conceited (justifiably or not) and can't get enough of looking at their own face. Furthermore, they assume all their internet friends are of the same mind.

This is almost never the case, as nobody needs more than 3 of the exact same picture, let alone 300. The most hilarious examples of Flipbooks are those that go unliked by e-peers despite daily updates.

What it says about you: "Look at me! Lookalookalookalooka! I'm pretty! Look, look, look! You need to know what I'm wearing every day! Look at me! Look at yesterday's picture! You know you love my face...right? RIGHT!? Am I as attractive today? Tell me I'm cute! Validate my looks! *sigh* I need attention..."

There are many kinds of picture that one could choose to represent oneself, but these are the most common. Hopefully, the picture you choose sends a good message about you...or at least an accurate one.

Of course, the best kind of picture for you to choose depends very heavily on the kind of person you are. It's a reflection of your personality just as the mirror is a reflection of your face: no matter how fucked up it looks, it's still you.

Formsprung- Season 2

Welcome, one and all, to the weekly reader question and answer extravaganza known as "Formsprung!" We've got a lot of questions this week (that's all thanks to your awesome folk) and we'll get to them right after a bit of an announcement...we're gonna see how YOU like being asked a bunch of random shit! 


I'm happy to announce that I'm now an official pollster over at Votovana.com (you haven't heard of it yet but trust me, you will) and I want y'all to go over there and participate in some of my fascinating polls. If you want the world to know what kind of smartphone you prefer (Android, bitches!) or what percentage of your Facebook friends you actually like (50-74% for me...but that's yall!) head on over and make your voice heard! Aight, let's get to the Q's for that A...

If you had to have sex with one of the Wiggles, who would you choose? And saying "just shoot me" is not an option.

There is no emoticon for the expression I had on my face upon reading this question...how about "just shoot the person who asked this"?

Seriously, thanks for the laugh haha...what the fuck...

threesome with any 2 girls, who you picking?

Girls? Eww, that's sick! Didn't you see my post yesterday?! You better hope Chis Hansen doesn't get that ass...

How many states have you visited?
Let's see...Pennsylvania, Texas, New York, Connecticut, Georgia, North Carolina, Maryland, Delaware, Jersey by accident...hmm, I may need to get out more.

IE or Google Chrome?
Chrome is what they have at work, so I'm going with that lol

Do you regret not finishing college?
I don't...I don't regret going for that year either though, it was the only way to find out for sure that it really wasn't for me.

You ever skateboard?
haha not seriously...I've stood on one and tried to ollie for about an hour, participated in a few downhill skateboard luge races and spent half of 8th grade playing Tony Hawk 2, but never anything that could actually be considered skateboarding...

do you have a drivers license?
Yes I do, you need that to get into bars...what I don't have is a car, but then again one of y'all is supposed to buy me an Aston Martin for Christmas, so I expect that to be resolved in the nearish future. :)

using condoms or going raw?
Of course,. I prefer the natural sensation like most guys...it just can come with a very high price tag, so I definitely use the helmets if I'm getting in the game with new personnel...

The fries from Five guys, regulars or Cajun style?
They make regular? Cajun all the way!

There may be no Football :(
SILENCE YOUR UNBELIEVING MOUTH (and also, that's not a question)!

how you liking your new phone?

I like it way more than I expected! It's faster, has better games, video chat (great for late nights), makes it way easier to post a bunch of bullshit on Facebook, and also adds to my pic ninja aresenal, as it has 2 cameras...always fun to catch somebody off guard with a front camera pic. I even got (kind of) adjusted to the lack of a real keyboard. I'll always remember my G1, but this my new lifestyle partner....thanks for asking!

Peaches. Or Cream. Which do you prefer?

Um...this sounds like one of those 2nd grade trick questions like "does your mom know you're gay"? On the off chance it's not, I'm going with peaches...yeah, definitely peaches...I enjoy the occasional peach...I'm going to stop typing the word "peach" now, I'm starting to feel weird.

Wat u think bout the Walmart video?

I finally saw it lol...it's 'tarded, but I was entertained...and WalMart is a damn good place to shop.

How racist do you think the average white man is?

I wouldn't know, they usually stop telling their black guy jokes when I walk into the room lol...not enough to actually say anything, I guess.

How racist is the average black man?

On average? Maybe 2 or 3 on a scale from 1-10, but given the events of the past few centuries...

Curren$y Fan?

My sis loves him, has all his mixtapes and begged me to get "Pilot Talk" for her on the way home one day...me, not so much. I grew up with rappers with more substance and lyricism, so maybe I'm biased...

If you coulld live anywhere in the world where would you stay?
Hmm...to LIVE? There are a lot of places I want to visit, but spending my life in a place is different. it would likely have to be America, I like the food and general way things work (relatively)...somewhere sunny and warm most of the time...likely somewhere in Southern Cali...maybe San Diego, home of umfJHS...lol...

Ever tried lean/syrup?
lol I remember college...yeah I have...it was okay to try, but not my kind of thing. I like being able to stand up or think straight at least once an hour...

Hot Dogs or burgers?

Honestly, given that choice who picks a hot dog? I mean, hot dogs are good and can be prepared any number of ways (plain, grilled, bacon, cheese, chili, etc), but anything you can do with a hot dog...anything straight, smartass...you can do with a burger and have it be better. No disrespect to the frankfurter, but against a good burger it just doesn't stack up.

do you work out?

I enjoy being lazy, eating delicious food, and mind-altering substances far too much ruin a good time getting sweaty running around when the cops aren't behind me. I have all the respect in the world for those that do...but as long as I can look directly down and see my equipment and don't pass out walking up an escalator, I figure I'm good.

Do you still post on Niketalk?

wow, NT! Once upon a time, I was an avid Niketalker (which, despite it's name, has its main appeal in nonsneaker discussions) by the name of goldNboi7 among others, where I did a very similar thing to what I do every day here, share my perspective on life...but I kind of outgrew all the bullshit rules and restrictions. Hell, I would have been banned for a month just for saying "bullshit rules and restrictions"...after a while, I just couldn't take being censored any more...it's a little of what made me start umf. In short, na, I don't fuck with it like that no more...tell everybody I said hi though.

*tap tap pull*

How do you want 2 die?

Quickly, and a long time from now...it I can't do it in my sleep after a long, fulfilling, successful life, in a distant future nuclear war actually doesn't sound too bad, it's instant, likely painless and nobody would have to miss me...or anybody else, we'd all be vaporized.

Damn, that was a lot! This is why I love y'all...one thing I could never ask for, no matter how many polls I create, are better readers. We're about out of time for today, but if you wanna get one in for next week, hit up the blue question box >over there> or if your scroll button is missing, just hit the link:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

Is 10 the new 20?

They say (or said at one point, I don't know) that 30 is the new 20. While I'm glad ladies on the wrong side of a midlife crisis can still experience all the joys of being a confused-ass girl of just over 18, I often wonder how close we are to having the effect work from the opposite side.

Of course, we're not at that point in society (I hope), but unfortunately there's plenty of evidence to the contrary, and I'm not talking Barbie jobs here. It seems like the future we live in is a pedophile's wet dream. (It's not exactly a new thing either...this new movement has its roots way further back than any overpriced clothing store. Ever since the first beauty pageant, a contest to decide who is the most attractive child, was staged, we've been on this path.)

I first noticed this very disturbing trend with last year's release of "children's lingerie" by that wonderful Cyrus family (not joking, I Googled it so you don't have to...now I'm gonna be on somebody else's "crazy Google searches"-themed post) and it's only gotten worse from there.

For example, Abercrombie and Fitch, in addition to a full line of thongs for children (huh?), also carries a line of swimwear for the kiddies which are...strategically padded (because apparently kids just aren't sexy enough without a push-up bikini top).

Now, anybody who reads this knows that I think padding of even the adult female form is pointless, deceptive, and just plain wrong...so you can imagine what my opinion of it for those who haven't even hit high school yet. (I want to go back in time to the executive meeting where A&F executives decided that was even the distant relative to a good idea so I can knock the idea man's Adam's apple down his throat.) Why did the world need shapely children again?

Oh, but it doesn't stop there...no, people all over the world are just laser-fucking-focused on pushing kids into areas that are way inappropriate for anybody under the age of 18 (16 in the UK and 14 in the deep South). Across the pond in England there's even a fitness school that offers children's pole dance classes...read that again...children's pole dance classes (that is also not a joke...and I'm just so sure that there's no way any creep can watch those).

I can't string together a chain of expletives strong enough, and that's saying something.

I'm sure there's some smart ass (and likely undercover pervert) who thinks this is a good idea because it's exercise in an increasingly fatter world, but there are literal hundreds of better ways for kids to get exercise...you know, tag and kickball and jump rope and hopscotch and gymnastics and t-ball and...you get the point. There's less than 0 excuse for that shit.

When did kids stop being kids and start being tiny people that could be real knockouts with a little dolling up and some cool stripper moves? I'm sorry, I must be on the wrong fucking planet...on my old one, people who probably get erections watching Sesame Street get jail time, not high paying jobs at clothing companies and fitness chains. When I was a kid...hell, I still am a kid about 30 percent of the time! Fuck that, if I can still have pieces of my childhood, actual children should be able to as well.

I must have missed the memo that it's okay to sexualize small children in twentyleven...I'll still pass though. Maybe it's just me and how I was raised, but I don't think anybody should have a push-up bra and a Push Pop at the same time...just sayin'.

Words with Fiends: a letter to some sad, sad people

* fittedwearer's note: Lately I've been just about addicted to the popular smartphone game "Words with Friends". (My username isn't a surprise...I'm captNaj, if any of my readers want a game.) If you're not familiar with WWF, picture Scrabble and...well, that's it, actually...it's Scrabble. It does have a modern twist, however...the game allows players to match wordsmithing skills over the internet, and if there's anything I like better than the English language, it's competition...predictably, the game is right up my alley and I've spent a lot of time laying the WWF smackdown on folk (both that I know and that I don't) since I got my new phone....well, until I started encountering these people.

To whom it may concern,

I've noticed a very disturbing trend in my time playing the game. See, over the course of a couple dozen games, I encountered what seem to be some true professionals...that's you. (You might want to save that "thanks!" for later, though.) With you, long, complex words meet short, obscure words in a symphony of double and triple-word scored language. I did my best to keep up, but between some unlucky hands (what the fuck am I supposed to do with a J, 2 O's, an E, an A, an X and a Q besides name some hoodrat's child?) and your delayed yet timely creation of some seemingly impossible letter combinations, I started to rack up a couple losses in a row. Although it was much to my competitive chagrin, I simply chalked it up to having been bested by a better player fair and square.

I should have known that wasn't the case. I was looking for some new games in the app market this weekend when I stumbled upon an app called...well, I'm not gonna say all that, I don't want this bullshit spreading, but it was an app developed specifically for use with WWF where one can enter one's letters and receive a list of possible words one can make with them...or cheat and defeat the entire purpose of the game, more or less. I couldn't believe it. Of course, this begs the question: what kind of pathetic loser cheats at fucking Scrabble...and pays 99 cents to do it? Who (besides you, apparently) does that?

I decided to find out...I checked the comments section. It was exactly what I would expect out of people like you. "Haven't lost a game since I got this!" (I bet.) "Love this app, worth every penny, my friends all wonder how I got so good!" (Cheating.) "My average score went up 50 points, I feel so much smarter!" (The average woman who pads her body gains some measurables and likely feels sexier...but when it's actually time to use those attributes, she may be found lacking.) These people are the same kinds of people who use 2-headed coins for flipping, challenge people to drinking contests and use water, and use words from word-a-day calendars out of context in an attempt to impress their friends and coworkers. It's not that serious...who the fuck are y'all fooling?

It's like steroids in baseball, doping in the Tour de France or Status Shuffle on Facebook...it cheats everybody involved and just makes the game as a whole less fun to play...besides that, what's to be gained by cheating in a cell phone board game? If you don't have the skills to do something, either improve or don't do it...but don't stoop to this level. I want y'all to know I know what you're up to, and it's not cool. Am I overreacting a bit to this? Maybe...but you started it. At least I didn't need any help to take this too seriously...and did it for free. Here's a 7 letter rack that captures how I feel perfectly: U-F-K-C-O-U-Y. Scrabble that.

Love,

AJ

Back to School Part III- The Interview

If you've been with us for the past couple Fridays, you've seen the Intro and the Injustice....now we come to part III of our "Back to School" series, the Interview. That's right, as promised, I hooked up with a Philadelphia School District insider, here referred to as "Mrs. Smith" who every day (until this week when schools let out) comes face to face with our future, the children of your average big city public school. Beyond telling you that they are employed by a middle school (6th-8th grades) I can't reveal the insider's name or position for reasons that will likely make themselves apparent soon, but trust me when I say this source has as accurate a perspective on the state of public schools and the children they claim to educate as any employee of a public school in America. I thank that person for this interview, and hope that this can serve as a wakeup call to anyone who thinks the kids are all right in our public schools as they currently exist (or maybe just make you laugh a little). Anyway, here it is, my interview with Mrs. Smith.

umf: First of all I want welcome you to umf and thank you for your time.
Mrs. Smith: Thank you.

Okay, what's your level of involvement with students?
I interact with them too much, actually. I'm around them a lot and I get to see them hands-on.

How long have you been working in the Philly school district?
3 years.

Describe what you see on a daily basis.
To be honest, you can see pretty much anything. There are all types of fights, they bring in strange items. One time this boy snuck into scool with a dead cat *laughs* When caught, he threw it in the air and ran.

Paint an overall picture of the average child of today.
Fucked up. They come frome fucked up homes and have to live fucked up lives. You have to feel sorry for them. Honestly, it;s difficult to understand where they're coming from sometimes.

Do you have confidence in their future?
I'll put it this way: I love to see children succeed, regardless of what or where they come from...but I don't see it.

Ineresting...in your opinion, are the facilities and equipment provided by public schools adequate for proper learning?
It depends on the teacher. If they're a good teacher, they'll be able to reach the interested kids with whatever.

Do you have those kind of teachers in your school?
There are a few...not a lot, unfortunately. A lot of them come in with the notion that it's "just teaching", it'll be easy, they'll get summers off...it's sad.

On the flip side, what percentage of kids would you estimate are legitimately interested in learning?
*thinks* I'm gonna say...25%, generously.

Do you think that's a failing of the schools, the kids, or the parents?
Definitely at home. If the parents don't give a shit, why should the kids?

In your opinion, are the children of the Philadelphia school district being properly served by their schools?
I wouldn't say that they are.

Given what we pay in school taxes, do you think it's a fair deal?
No.

Is it more about keeping the school test scores up, or actually teaching?
Test scores...it's been like that since I went to school.

How many kids pass simply because the teachers are sick of seeing their faces?
A lot more than you think. "No Child Left Behind", my ass.

Word. Why do many children of today seem lost?
I blame the parents. Nobody seems to think about it that way, but parents have to show their kids that there's more to do with life than run the streets and smut their way around the world.

Hmm...semi-sequitur, you work in a middle school. Sex ed classes aren't usually until 8th grade at the earliest if they happen at all. Is this too late?
*scoffs* You'd be surprised how early these kids start. Honestly, they need it in elementary school.

So I can take that as an endorsement of the Philadelphia free condom program in schools?
Hell yeah! *sings* Every kiiiiid needs condooooms... *laughs*

haha...swiching gears, do you think the district is being mismanaged?
Yes I do.

Whose fault is this? Can you pinpoint a person who deserves blame?
That horrible, horrible woman (district superintendent) Arlene Ackerman. It seems to me that her priorities are all out of order. She often blames the schools for the parents' shortcomings.

So the schools are free from fault?
No, but if the person managing the district isn't willing to take he necessary steps to correct problems, there's not a lot the schools can do.

Do you personlly know anyone who has falisfied their address for better schooling?
*laughs* Hell yeah. Kids that live near me sometimes go halfway across the city or even outside of it.

Are schools outside the city any better?
I don't personally know, but that's generally believed.

What is your opinion of school vouchers?
It hurts public schools. I personally think it's by design, they want to get rid of public schools at large and replace them with charter schools.

Do you think that the methods of teaching are outdated? If so, why?
No. I'll say it this way: if anything they need to get back to the basics. There's too much branching out of subjects to kids who haven't even grasped the basics.

What about your own public school experiences? Do you feel you got a good education or just wasted a lot of time you could have spent watching "Cheaters"?

Um...I'll say I was lucky...I had very good teachers and they pointed me in the right direction. I emphasize that I was one of the lucky ones.

Tough question: when you have kids, will they go to public schools?
*thinks* It depends on the area that I'm in.

Isn't that very telling of a large gap in the quality of public schools?
Yeah, I guess so. There's just not enough communication in larger districts.

Got what I wanted...moving one, is the school system of today more likely to produce bright young minds or dull young laborers?
I'll put it this way, a student will take what he wants from his education.

Can the schools help at all?
Of course. I've been a student...it goes back to the quality of teacher.
You get to make one change in your school...what is it?
Better administration. It starts at the top.
Okay, I want to thank you for your time today, it's been educational for all of us.
You're welcome...it's all because I love the kids.

Wanna go get lunch?
Okay. *smiles*

All right everybody, I hope you enjoyed this look inside the education of your average big city American chlid. The children are our future...God help us all. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm hungry and somewhat sober...happy Friday umf!

"Search Me..." VII

What's good umf'ers? I'm sure by now you're familiar with the "Search Me" concept...random and weird Google search terms people actually used that will lead them to umf. I've done 6 posts on it (as you may have guessed from the roman numerology of this one) and it never ceases to entertain me..problem is there's so long between these posts that a lot of good ones slip through the cracks. For that reason, I'm retiring these posts after this one...but just for fun, I'll toss one up on the umf fanpage (and you can take this opportunity to *like* it if you haven't already) when I see one that pops out. Just like the posts, it will also contain the post it probably led to and the Intelligence Quotient, or the likelihood from 1-100 percent that they left umf with the information they wanted...aight, let's get this thing started.

fuck fathers day poem (and 3 variants)- Father's Day was last Sunday, and apparently some people decided to bring their daddy issues to umf. What they found here was a poem praising the merits of a decent father...who, if they had, would have rendered the search unnecessary.
IQ: 17- I apologize to all disappointed Googlers for my civility toward my own pop.

antiquated bullshit- no question this led to the Daylight Savings Time post...have you ever seen those 2 words together before or since til now?
IQ: 57- it's one of the better examples of antiquated bullshit I can think of.

jailbait only- I knew writing that guide to avoiding underage girls would have some...odd effects on my Google searches.
black jailbait- like this.
girls that are 18 that look underage- and this.
jailbait girls- and this.
sex girls uk age 18 book girl sex underage girls- and definitely this.
children of the porn- like seriously, people are fucked up.
IQ: 0- there is nothing like that here you sick freaks!

but


there's no way she's 18- and
my girlfriend looks underage- was more what I had in mind when I wrote it. I like to imagine I helped some guy peel his friend (or himself) off of some 15 year old girl through my guide.
IQ: 83- There's a thin line between 16 and 19 nowadays...I think I did a decent job drawing it.

idea behind miller lite vortex bottle- Led to one of my "Inventions Nobody Fuckin' Asked For" posts. Haven't done one in a while, actually.
IQ: 14- I don't know what the idea was, but I know it was a stupid one.

"either be smoking or be passing" (and 3 variants)- led to my Smokers' Field Guide I wrote during Green Week, umf's celebration of cannabis culture (I know you didn't think I did all this sober haha). The quotation is from "Friday", and I included it verbatim in the post because it's just as true today as it was in 1995. Get your session ettiquette up.
IQ: 98- I'd venture to say it's one of the best guides of its kind on the internet.

psychedelische brownies- Another remnant from Green Week, this person was apparently searching for a good space brownie recipe...and found one.
IQ: 89- Close enough...

tub of chickies and petes crab fries- I had a post about that great use of potatoes, but had no idea they even sold 'em in tubs.
IQ: hell, they taught my ass something!

my wife flashing other men- I have no idea why this led here.
IQ: 2- me, that seems like a personal problem.

dreamlook eye lift stupid- was likely searched by somebody like me who saw the infomercial and went...what the fuck?!
IQ: 86- I confirmed their suspicions.

letters to my future wife- let the Googlenaut see a very personal part of my life...the letter I wrote to my own future wife about her wedding plans and why they're HER wedding plans.
IQ: 50- Either it was my future wife and she got a serious heads-up, or it was...somebody else searching for letters from the future addressed to people they will one day marry. They;re about equally impossible, so let's flip a coin.

osama died so is it over?- was the ticket to my post answering that and all other Osama-related questions following his death a while ago.
IQ: 100- Happy to help.

a bunch of free condoms- let the searcher see my thoughts on Philadelphia's new safe-sex program for schools.
IQ: 95- Sounds like exactly what they'll need....a WHOLE bunch.

"athletic cup" mom- what?!
IQ: n/a- If your mommy needs an athletic cup, you have bigger problems than umf can help you with.

all my friends are graduating from college except me- likely was one of my fellow college dropouts looking for some solace in this time of transition between graduating high school and doing what one wants to do in life. I know how you feel, man...that's why I wrote a post about it.
IQ: 97- You don't have to go to college to graduate.

what the hell is a slut walk (and 14 variants)- even though I'm still trying to figure that out 100% even a week after it was in Philly, this search dropped the various curious parties off at my post (which I STILL stand behind) about that...unique event.
IQ: 89- the "what" I had a decent grip on...the "why" still escapes the fuck out of me.

fuck drunk wife together- um...
IQ: ?

how to identify hoodrats (and 10 variants)- ah, the hoodrat searches. Writing that guide on how to spot them was a better and better idea as  time passes.
IQ: 92- It's likely the only Hoodrat Field Guide in existence anywhere.

is it wrong that there's no winner and no loser in kids field games (and 3 variants)- this question was answered with a post explaining just how wrong it was.
IQ: 88- It's a winner's number.

its saturday thats a day for heels plenty of vodka- no idea what that means or why it leads here, but that last part sounds good.
IQ: 65- I don't know shit about heels, but being drunk on weekends is one of my areas of expertise.

seriously i dont know whats on ur mind- was almost the exact sentence I said when I wrote this post about Facebook hitmen and how they destroy lives.
IQ: 12- Likely had nothing to do with the post, but I do want to know just what was on that bitch's mind when she did that to herself.

anthonist (5x)- Not sure how my personal belief system spread so far, but glad to see people are interested.
IQ: 97- Not sure where you could get better info about it.

people whose facebook posts are from status shuffle suck- but then, you knew that bfore you searched for it. Either way, there's a post for that too.
IQ: 17- I dont think I told them anything they didn't know already.

oh, and for anyone who thinks the world didn't need a post telling people how to sound cool on Facebook, I present these searches:

how to sound cool on facebook status (5x)

how to sound cool on facebook (8x)

how to sound interesting on facebook

how to sound cool 

short cool quotes to post on facebook

cool facebook posts

what cool guys post on facebook (2x)

cool shit to post on facebook

...and you think people don't need to read this?!

IQ: 100- If they can follow instructions, there's no limit to how cool they can sound.

and of course,

undermyfitted (23x)- Nice to see people coming here on purpose. :)

IQ: ...duh.

Hopefully you enjoyed this last post looking at the crazy roads people take to umf. It's always interesting to see what people are willing to type into their search bars...even more so when it involves this piece of the net.  

Formsprung- Season 2

Hey guys, remember me? Sorry about the sudden and unexpected lack of giggles, we had some technical difficulties here at umf...which brings us to our first question of the day:

You okay? You usually don't skip 2 weekdays in a row! Give me my umf!

Got you lol...I'm fine, just didn't have an internet connection here at work, and thus couldn't post on umf (what, you thought I did all this on my own time?) and it killed my entire online life for a couple days. Glad you missed me though :)

Haven't heard from ya on the Book in a while, what you been up to?

"the Book" tho hahaha...see above question for an explanation, but I've been good...mostly laying at home watching old episodes of "Power Rangers", which Netflix, in their infinite wisdom, decided to make available for streaming through my Roku. I love the future...

Favorite restuarant?
Come on man...just "restaurant"? Not Mexican, Italian, American, fast food, slow food, cart food...I'm way too fat on the inside to make a decision like that.

However, I will say the one thing I could eat at any time is a burger and fries from 5 Guys...I'm simple like that.

Drake Fan?
He's one of the best out right now, but that's the point...there ain't a lot out there. He's kind of like the LeBron of hip-hop. For what he is, the personification of the mainstream and face of rap in the new milennium, he's fine...I just don't get all the "best ever" talk.

NEW ORLEANS!!!!!!!!!! man when you comin down homie?
Soon as I get the bread for a nice long vacation tour of the US...right now I can't even afford to visit my mommy's house a couple miles away. It is on my destination list though.

Sites you check daily?
Daily? Not too many, actually, I just check the ones I do check all the damn time...Facebook, Cowboys news, Facebook again, lately Craigslist (lot of info about writing jobs there...I need one, this job sucks), a few other e-soapboxes are on the 3 or 4 day a week plan...oh, um, and umf...between them, I get all the information I need to run my day to day life (and plenty I don't).

I know you saw Green Lantern. How was it?
I totally expected to hate it based on the reviews that came out, but I really liked it...the people that didn't like it weren't familiar with the source material in most cases and thus did not understand it. Was is bad? No...the problem was it wasn't the most accessible movie...but then again, GL has never been for everybody, why would the movie be? People should really find out what the fuck they're talking about before they talk about it...as a huge fan, I wasn't disappointed. (I mean come on, how many times do you see a gatling gun made of pure energy?)

Wat do you think about the billions of dollars spent at war while people starve?

You really have to ask? I think it's utter bullshit...I understand that a country has to be able to defend itself, but we seem to be on offense. There are a whole lot of better things I can think of to do with $5 billion dollars a month (that they tell us about). Hell, for what they've spent on the war so far, they could have sent the whole damn country to a buffet for a year or 2, cured cancer, AIDS, and the common cold, built a space road from here to Mars just for the hell of it, AND pursued disposable cookware technology...come on!

Would you re-elect Obama?

Didn't elect him the first time...neither candidate interested me, so neither did the election. (I trusted that the American people were smart enough not to put that Palin chick anywhere close to power, especially one weak, enfeebled old man heartbeat away.) However, he seems to have done a decent job and the Republicans can't seem to find anybody credible and sane to trot out against him so he'll likely be re-elected anyway...he has my vote if there's somebody they dig up that I really don't want in the White House.

Well, that was a fun warmup coming off a long break...hopefully we won't experience any more service disruptions this...lifetime. That's about it for the day, but if you wanna get one in for next week...well, actually, y'all seem to have a handle on that (but I'll throw the link up anyway for the newbies).

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...