7.27.2011

Formsprung- Season 2



What's good with y'all this Wednesday? Glad to see y'all are still tuned in now that I'm not here as much...but I promised I'd always have time for your questions, and I meant that shit...so here's "Formsprung"!

Thoughts on Amy Winehouse?
I wasn't a superfan, but I appreciated her music. I'd be lying if I said it was a total shock, but it hit me in kind of a personal place actually...really shows that somebody can be young, vibrant, and have all the talent and success in the world and still potentially be an extremely unhappy person. You could have been so much more, Amy...now you'll just be a couple of albums, a bunch of Hot Topic t-shirts and a Wikipedia entry. It's crazy...I just refuse to let that be me. (Hard) drugs are bad, kids.


what is your biggest regret in life?
Not realizing what I wanted to do in life sooner instead of wasting damn near 4 years in this manila clusterfuck, actually...



What are your top 3 movies ever?
I'm gonna do this really quickly before I start thinking about it...otherwise I'll be sitting here all day. In no real order:
1) Training Day
2) The Matrix
3) Friday

(That looks good enough for me not to go "what the fuck, I put Movie A instead of Movie B?! Oh shit, I forgot Movie C, and Movie C2: The Sequel"! later.)

ever won anything?
The last thing I won in a contest was that costume contest last Halloween (green spandex has that effect on people) the prize was a bottle of disgusting alcohol, which could still get me drunk, so I eventually forced down my throat. I'm entering a screenwriting contest next month, so I'll keep ya posted.

Gold Jewelry Yay or Nay
Not really for me...but as long as you don't walk around with a gold scorpion medallion looking like somebody's uncle at a cookout, you're good.


Do you know of a decent vapouriser..thats cheap? I wanna cut the carcinogens :)
I can dig it. "Decent vaporizer" and "cheap" don't come in the same sentence though, trust me. That's why I don't have one (yet). Wish I could have been more help...

Do to you listen 2 oldies? if so what is your fav oldie song?
Sometimes...my parents used to listen to their old people music back when I was a lad, and some of it stuck to me. I know a few Earth, Wind and Fire songs, enjoy the occasional Hall and Oates session, and even stumbled on a Billy Joel track recently. Can't forget Rick James either. I do really like the Temps though. As for my favorite track of theirs...do you even have to ask?

"It was a day in Sepetember..."

Fav Strain of "medicine"
Heh...actually, I don't get to combust much of the name brand stuff lately...most of the shit I get now comes in generic white bags reading "Economy weed, 2 week supply" in bold black letters....not that there's anything wrong with that. I do remember really liking Bubblegum Kush tho...it somehow actually smells that way.

How long could you last without your mobile phone?
24 hours...I did it once.

Did you hear Netflix is hiking their prices?
Sure did. Got the email like everybody else. I was pissed off like everybody else too and still think it's kind of a dick move to pull in a time when people have to make choices like "gas or lunch at work today"...but honestly, as of right now it's still the best thing going. To steal my boy Robbie's Facebook status from a couple weeks ago: "Unlimited access to thousands of movies and TV shows for less than the price of 2 movie tickets? What a rip-off!" I'll drop a DVD or 2 from my plan and be aight.

Wacka Flocka Flame yay or nay?
None for me, thanks...I'm not too much of a Flamer.

Your wifes hair Perm or Natural?
Hmm...as long as it looks decent, I don't get too much into a woman's hairstyle choices. Truthfully, I barely notice as long as I can get my fingers out of it when I pull it...so I say if natural works for you, go for it. However, I will say if a chick is walking around looking like that thing from the Addams Family's black cousin, that bitch needs to be slapped with a perm.


Top 5 things you wanna do b4 you die?
Well, I had a post on that a while back and it hasn't changed much...here's an excerpt:

"2) Lead a spontaneous choreographed-looking mass public dance...I don't even dance like that, but it would be cool as shit to have random folk in the streets singing some song and gettin their inner Chris Brown (good Chris...he just dances...only Dark Chris goes around gnawing on bitches and carryin on) on in the middle of the street musical-style. People in suits swinging around traffic lights, ties flowing in the wind, hoodrats pop-lockin' on the sidewalk, some dude with a sunni, a white tee and a durag could have a dance solo...seems like fun."


Have you ever been disrespected?
I'm sure everybody has...never been pulled out of a vehicle in the streets, stripped to the boxers and sent home like in "Paid in Full" or anything...but 2 incidents come to mind.

The first was just yesterday...I forgot my work computer password and called down to the tech department to have it reset. Unfortunately, the place is staffed with filthy Eagles fans , one of whom (hi, Karen!) changed my password to something hateful and Cowboyphobic, which I was forced to type so I could keep working on that TBX mov--uh, that movie. My vengeance is forthcoming. There will be blood.

The other was a couple years back when I played on a flag football team here at the office (yes, once upon a time I liked this job) and a guy on the other team took his TD celebration way too far, throwing the ball in my face. As you can imagine, I wasn't pleased...so when we took our turn on offense, I made sure the guy was on me when I went out for a pass. The next ball that came my way, I intentionally underran it. He made the pick, but I was able to dislodge the ball (and possibly a rib) by disregarding his flag and spearing the shit out of him. We forfeited the game, but I feel I won. That story still gets brought up around the office every so often haha...


!!NEW ORLEANS!! and fuck your current job, you're a writer.
Thanks, man...means a lot to hear somebody else say it...

Damn, that was a ride. This is why I'd never be who I plan to be soon without y'all...seriously, I appreciate the living hell out of it. Aight, until next time, umf'ers!

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

7.25.2011

Life: Unwrap, Use, Discard


If you haven't taken a look around lately, maybe you haven't noticed the world is an increasingly disposable place. Of course, there are the standard throwaway items we've all come to know and love, paper plates, plastic utensils, condoms...all designed for one convenient use and then the trash (where it can likely be recycled into some new future trash). It's not necessarily a bad thing, I know if I had to wash a plate every time I cleaned one, I'd either be about half my weight or eating Chef Boyardee ravioli from the can with my hands like on the old commercials, (it's not THAT good) but sometimes I can't help but be amazed at how much of our lives can be tossed as easily as yesterday's newspaper.

Don't get me wrong. The only time I go green is with a lighter in my hand, but it seems like all the delicious gourmet meals for the soul that life offers end up scraped into the sink like scraps before we even really taste it. It goes beyond the normal items we use and throw away without a second thought (and the 3 or 4 wrappers it came in). Even items you may not think of as disposable can be just as eligible for the garbage as a marinara-stained styrofoam bowl. Used to be a family would get a big wood-paneled set, put it on the floor of the living room, and let it do its thing for the next couple generations (it would follow the entire circle of life...babies would be conceived near it, folk would grow up in front of it, and old people would often die watching it).

Now, that TV you just bought 5 years ago? Collecting dust in a closet or basement (the trash for people who haven't admitted to themselves they're throwing something away yet) in favor of a sleek new plasma flatscreen. The car you spent 3 years making monthly payments on, putting gas into at a price of one firstborn child per gallon, and lovingly polishing on warm summer days? Now it's on its way to a used car lot to be sold by a guy in a pink and green checkered sport coat and white patent leather shoes because you just had to have this year's model. I'm not innocent...for years I treasured my G1 smartphone as a valued sidekick to my modern life. Now it sits in a suspended animation drawer in my house collecting any dust that somehow gets in there. Not only that, but as I type, some Japanese smartphone company is whipping up some electronic wonder that will make my current Galaxy S look like a fuckin' Tamagotchi. Laptops, iPods...well, iAnythings...all the top of the line til the bottom of the hour.

Our culture is a shrine to disposability...popular music, movies, TV shows, all quickly fabricated with no real quality, used on a very temporary basis, discarded, and mashed up into new trash candidates. It happens in real life too. Jobs are disposable (but only by the people that run the companies, unfortunately). Social networking has made friends as disposable as clicking "unfriend". Love and relationships are all but passe...nobody does that any more, even romance often boils down to single use only (the kids that come out of them are often treated as disposable too). Even marriage, something once thought of as bonding and permanent, has around a 50% trashing rate nowadays, usually for reasons like "he takes all the covers" or "she won't retweet my jokes".

We often are so wrapped up in what happens next, what the new one could do, and when, why, and how we're gonna get the latest and greatest on the block...until the next one comes, anyway. " One thing that hasn't changed in all this time is that the quality things are still worth the maintenance they require...true friends, self-respect, a good woman, family (that deserve to be called that), cherished memories...all need to be meticulously cared for to keep on working. However, the fact is ending is better than mending in most cases, and a lot of things just ain't worth the effort. The whole thing can leave you really wondering what SHOULDN'T be thrown away after one use...I guess the only real answer is "whatever's not in the trash yet"...

7.21.2011

My Ambitions as a Writer

I got something to say...it's kinda hard to find the words for...so I'll steal Tupac's.


I won't deny it, I'm a great writer
Can't nobody do it like me
Spit truth, add humor to it like me
but a lot of people think I'm crazy
I won't deny it, I'm a great writer
at least when I'm high on weed

I love umf'ers and all but...
I gotta get started on my real career
My ambitions as a writer!
My ambitions as a writer!



So much material to write, if my writing will go far
This life as a file clerk is bullshit, I gotta start
sharing my rough and rugged style, and profiting from it
my posts often say "Fuck it", and motherfuckers love it
To reap all the fruits, you got to plant on your knees
the shit ain't complicated, I'll go far as I take me
and my ambition's as a writer to make it
Life's a bitch, I'm tryna hit, and if she wont give then I'll take it
Doing this is fun, sharing thoughts on a daily tho
I gotta step up my life, cuz I seem to be always broke
I recently discovered I had talents unusual
People love it when I scribble and the feeling is mutual
But I'm sick of working here, time for somebody to pay up
I got no time for this job, I gotta write and get my weight up
I'm on a moving up mission, want a bil', so I'm trying
to get the fuck up out of here, blow up, take off and start flying (peace out!)
Ima write tho, make y'all laugh, it's mandatory
I'm not shutting this down, don't get the shit distorted
but I'll have to post less, please bear with me in the meantime
I'll miss a couple posts, but I'll make it up in screen time
That's right, got a couple big plans in machination
Funny how seeing your purpose can lead to maturation
This might come out of nowhere and seem a tad ambitious
but I'm ready to break out and put my back and pen into it
don't waste your time with doubt, cuz I swear I'll fuckin' do it!
I really apologize for inconvenience this may cause
Can't write every day, I'm trying to grip the world's balls
I love spending every day at work beside ya
but check it, listen, pay attention
I got ambitions as a writer.

(I won't deny it, I'ma great writer)
Peep it.. it's now my only wish to rise
above these bitch-ass co-workers I despise
It's time to ride, I'll be the first to fly, give me the time
I'm ready to blow outta here tonight, not see them again in life
Hard to sustain them in this place, but dreams are tough to kill
They've been trying for years, but cannot break my will
They said I need to conform to come up, succeed
I'd rather die before I do it cuz my mind is free
Fuck being in here, so I gotta sacrifice
Just a little of the window into my life
They won't get a chance to get me like they got the 10 year vets
Been a rebel all my life, why stop thinking for myself?
Been writing for life, feels right, why not get paid for that?
Got skills but not recognition, so my shit's off track
Might not have time every day, but trust, I need it man
Shit, I can get a show if Carlos Mencia can
if I can start on the path to live life my way
I can maybe justify not doing "You, Me, and Friday"
Fuck this job and the police, I got ambitions as a writer.

My posts are controversial so how come they ignore me?
Still on the block, I know there's something better for me
been hesitant to accept, my future's bright, now seeing it
it's a lot of fun to write, I hope it's as much being it
had stand-up kind of dreams, hopes of getting elected
I hope wherever I land, it's everything I expected
They wrote me off when I dropped out, so I formed new powers
to write away my day at work and waste mad hours
That's when they told me that I could
had motivators on my side, so I know I'm good
Got a few laughs, developed a few skills
and a coupls years later, now I'm trying to pay the bills
Kill em with jokes that's legendary, a facetious mercenary
I'll make 'em die laughing, have these motherfuckers buried
get many comments on my posts, umf'ers say I kill it
Knowing when they see my book or my movie they gon' feel it
Witness the realest, an authentic aspiration
Gimme couple years, I'll be known across the nation
One day kinda soon, I'll look back on how I did it
for myself, my fam and friends
and all those that was down with it
the fittedwearer will always be right beside ya
hope you get it, my time's now splitted
...I got ambitions as a writer.

7.20.2011

Formsprung- Season 2

What's good, y'all! I know I've been gone for a minute, but I had to come back to answer for my absence...21 times, in fact. Here's "Formsprung"!


wats your fav android apps?

Quick 5:
Catch Notes: writes down all the ideas I have on a daily...without it, remembering all the thing I plan to write down eventually would be like trying to catch those little flakes and shit that fly around in the sunlight in your house.

Qik- Video calls...I don't have to tell you what that's good for (but will anyway)

Online Sports- Finds feeds online of sporting events and lets me stream them on my phone

JoinTogether: the world's finest 3D marijuana encyclopedia

ChompSMS: lets me make my texts all pretty and blue.



Socks with sandals yay or nay?
Don't do that, bruh...

your girl hits you...do you strike back?
My mommy always told me never to hit a girl...first. Best believe if she hits me like she wants equal rights, she'll get 'em, fast.

Wat do you normally eat 4 breakfast?
Nothing lol...seems like I manage to wake up late every day (but I do find time for a medicine break without fail). On weekends, I usually just eat whatever's left over from last night...I don't let society tell me what foods to eat at what times lol

If we have a draft soon, what job would you want in the military?
Oh, we're having a draft? That sounds like--hey, look, a distraction!

*runs to Canada*

Skinny Jeans Yay or Nay
We're talking about for boys, right? Nay. Hell nay. Fucketh nay. I even wrote something like that a while ago...

Best Pizza?
I haven't really had enough to answer that question...all we have here are the local shops, and I don't want to get a mail bomb from some nut in Chicago. Of the big few chains, I definitely prefer Domino's with Pizza Hut a close second.

Do you have a best friend?
Damn right!


Clubbin with a crew or solo dolo?
I don't even go like that myself but...people go to the club alone? Damn, for all that I might as well stay home, get drunk and play with Facebook...I have about as much of a shot at getting some, and it's a bit less expensive.

What's the perfect beer?

The one in front of me!


Do you go to the movies alot?
Not really...I would more if tickets weren't 15 bucks apiece. Times is hard, and bootlegs are easy.

How was your senior prom?
I don't know...you'll have to ask the people that went. I took the money my parents would have spent on it and had a very fun summer after senior year...even had a couple dollars left over for college (which I immediately spent on weed).

Are you an investment junkie?
Ha! Right now I'm way too broke to buy things that don't make my life go on a day to day basis...but if I ever come up a little, I damn sure will be.

Would you approach a celeb on the street?
Depends highly on who it was. I'm not really one of those people who gets all effervescent whenever some star of a canceled reality TV show comes around, and I worked at the airport for a while and saw plenty come through and only approached one (Troy Aikman!) but if there was somebody I really admired (likely another Cowboy), sure why not?

Have you ever been depressed?
Every time I run out of weed...but if you're talking about the wrist-cutty kind, no not really...

Wat is the worst feeling in the world 2 you?
Failure. Nothing worse than your best efforts just not being enough. Being kicked in the nuts kinda hurts too.

Spike Lee Or Tyler Perry?
Come on man...you're putting "Do the Right Thing" up against "Madea does Something?" "Malcolm X" against "Why Did I Get Married (to Janet Jackson and let her kill my infant son and eventually me)?" One dressed up as Michael Jordan's sidekick, the other as an old overweight black woman...you tell me who wins.

Do you like taking pictures?
Not as much as some people, I "only" have like 20 pics of myself on Facebook...but I'm always up for a good photo op (and no, "3:30pm daily" or "changed my shirt" are not good photo ops).

Would you rather be on house arrest for a year or in jail 4 5 months?
Definitely house arrest...just the concept of being locked away with other dudes for an extended period of time does not appeal to me. Plus, the food's way better on house arrest...man cannot live on fruit cocktail alone, ya know?

Wats yo fav meal yo momma used to make?

See, that's a hard question to answer. For the first 21+ years of my life, I couldn't cook anything beyond Hot Pockets, so anything that ended up hot and in front of me was a culinary miracle beyond compare. Now that I can, I realize there's nothing really special about spaghetti or barbeque chicken, other than that she made it and I didn't have to. That's um...not to say her cooking wasn't good. Hi mommy! (In case you ever read this...and you can stop reading now.)



Where have you been for the past 4 days?
Sorry bout that. As you've probably guessed, I've been kinda busy the past few...

1) Still trying to escape this pointless suck hole of a job for my eventual career in writing one query letter at a time.

2) Writing 2 movies.

3) Moonlighting as an emergency Phillies relief pitcher in their warmer games.

4) Being pregnant by proxy.

I only made one of those up....wow, I really do tell y'all everything, don't I?

Aight, well that's our 21 for this week. I've got a screenplay to format, so I'm out...if you wanna get one in for nrxt week, you know what to do.

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...



7.15.2011

Famous Last Words




As "1000 Ways to Die" reminds us every episode, there are a lot of ways to end up dead...disease, injury, Purple...even heavy exposure to life over too long a period can cause death. However, just as varied as the manners in which people die are their last words...those who know their death is imminent often speak of friends, loved ones, and life experiences, maybe a lifelong secret whispered to someone close ("I cheated on you..." *croak*).

More interesting are the last words of those who don't necessarily know their number is up yet. These tend to follow patterns, and the trained person can even predict when death is likely to result based on the context of a statement. That's right, if you just listen out for the following phrases in certain situations, you will know that somebody is likely going to die (or at the very least, get seriously fucked up).Watch closely...

"Hey, watch this!"- The classic calling card of impending doom. Usually shouted by some rocket scientist who has decided to surf on a mattress atop a speeding car, plank on a 7th story balcony railing, or lean way too far over a guardrail at a baseball game trying to catch a foul ball (made none of those up...actual humans were naturally deselected in those ways). When somebody says this, they are likely to do something conspicuously and often fatally stupid, often for the benefit of YouTube. As acts like this tend to fall into the "danger to myself AND everyone around me" category, when you hear "hey, watch this!" and turn to see your friend playing hacky-sack with a quarter stick of dynamite , do at least one of you a favor and get out of the blast radius (I say "at least one" because if nobody's watching, he may stop).
Related statements: "Get this on tape!", "Wanna see something cool?", "Dude, this is gonna be epic!"




"What's the worst that could happen"is literally asking for something to happen. Why people choose to insult Murphy and his law at every available opportunity is a mystery, but the asker of the question usually finds out for a fact.
Related statements: "Nothing could go wrong."

"What's that? Let's go check it out..."- The unknown can be dangerous, and this phrase pretty much ensures that it will be. The "white people in scary movies" theory dictates for every time this sentence is uttered, one person loses their life. The theory goes beyond film, however...it's often the very last thing the overly curious are able to say as that rustling sound over there in the bushes turns out to be a sleeping jaguar or that beeping sound turns out to be a bomb. It's also a favorite of tornado chasers, who risk (and often lose) life and limb trying to catch footage of swirling dirty wind and flying death shrapnel.
Related statements: "Let's go look over there in the sketchy alley!", "I wonder what's in those dark woods?", "Where's that noise coming from?"




"One more!"whether said during a night taking shots, while running some stupid and dangerous contest which you were lucky to survive the first time, while trying to see just how many straws will break a camel's back while inspecting the process from beneath the animal, or mid-stroke during sex, sometimes one more is all it takes to really fuck your world up.



Related statements: "Another round!", "Who's got winners in the flaming sword fight on stilts?"

"Aww, look at the cute little--AAAAHHH!!!"- Many unsuspecting animal lovers meet their end after uttering this phrase. You see, some people have no concept that wild animals can actually be real animals in the wild, and doesn't care how cute you think it is if it thinks your face is tasty. Some people even go out of their way to get fucked up by animals, keeping exotic beasts such as apes and tigers in their own homes or tempting fate by pestering crocodiles for years at a time until they hire a stingray hitman to take you out.
Related statements: "It's sleeping, let's go pet it!", "Oh, I'm sure it's harmless..."

"Do it then!"- A direct challenge to a presented verbal threat, it's often engraved on the headstones of the fatally bold. Unfortunately for this type of person, sometimes when you call someone's bluff, it answers the phone.
Related statements: "You wouldn't.", "You don't have the balls...", "You ain't gonna do shit..."

"...and now I'm going to tell everybody!"- Shouted defiantly after the unintended discovery of some grand and likely evil scheme, it's usually a perfectly acceptable course of action, but not the best thing to declare your intentions to do in front of those you plan to expose. You know what kind of men they say tell no tales (and also, as a side note, will notice there is no mention of being able to shut a woman up in any condition).
Related statements: "You won't get away with this!", "I'm going to expose what's going on here!"

The sound of an orgasm- Usually regarded as the harbinger of ultimate pleasure, in the wrong scenario it's as good as funeral bells. Getting walked in on by a jealous husband? Unknowingly slipping into a woman with pussy plague? Getting some crazy chick who you will likely get into a knife fight with at some point pregnant? All valid tickets on the express train to hell...whether you die or not.
Related statements: "I love you", "Hello" (to the wrong woman)

Hopefully you enjoyed and learned from this list of famous last words...and remember, if you ever find yourself about to speak one of the phrases listed...REALLY reconsider what you're about to do. Happy Friday, umf!

7.13.2011

Formsprung- Season 2




What's good with y'all this Wednesday? We got a lot of questions this week...44, in fact...so new rule, the maximum question per week limit is now 21 (why 21? It's my site, that's why). I'll definitely get around to an answer for every last question that finds its way into my inbox (I promise), but for right now...here ya go!

Did you see where another guy got his dick cut off? There has to be a law against this!
Yeah, I saw...ouch. Put that shit in the garbage disposal too. Short of developing cyborg technology and making that dude a RoboCock, that ain't coming back. I know marriages can get a little rocky, but making your husband into a Ken doll is never the answer.



That's why when I become President, any woman who removes a man's equipment without justification (and trust me, it would have to be one HELL of a justification) would have both pairs of lips sutured shut permanently, then simply left to live their life. I think that's fair.



How would you change education in America?
It has to be more about actually teaching and bringing out the strengths of the individual kids instead of just filling out some pointless bullshit worksheet...that doesn't teach anything but how to fill out pointless bullshit worksheets. We need to realize that some children must get left behind. Also, the only mandatory part about school would be the things people actually need to learn (reading, writing, arithmetic, the fact that neither of the last 2 words begin with "R") ...the rest is optional. Oh, and parents would be required to spend at least an hour a day teaching their kids about life, under penalty of death.

Are you a jersey shore fan?
lol no, not at all...I saw when the little orange snowman girl got punched clear off a barstool and halfway across the dance floor by some dude, but other than that I can't say I've watched a single episode. I'm really okay on those...interesting examples of humanity.

!!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!!
Gotta love a loyal reader...

OVER/UNDER 2 Lebron championships
Pardon the indecision, but push. 2 sounds about right...he's got maybe 5 elite years left, and I think he'll get better at clutch situations with time (he damn sure can't get worse) but the problem is other superteams are forming at the same time...oh, and he would have to get past the Lakeshow (or whatever other WC team comes up) for a title. So 2...and if you put a gun to my head to go one way or another, 1.


Do you smile in pictures or mean mug?
Either, depepnding on the context of the pic...but since this is my current FB pic:

I'll go with "mug". (Hmm, wonder what this profile picture says about me?)

Weed Rap Yay or Nay
Hey...I like weed, I like rap...what's not to like?

Do you DAP white guys off or give them a handshake?
haha...that's an interesting question...I never really thought about it. Honestly, I go for the handshake unless they're coming with something else (as long as they have the required cool points to use a pound, dap, fist bump or other hand greeting...if not, you WILL get left hanging).


How many times you brush ya teeth a day?
Once...but I usually rinse my mouth out with plenty of alcohol during the course of a day, so it's fine.

Lose your hearing or eyesight?
Hearing, definitely...do you have any idea how many people would be better seen and not heard?

Why don't you vlog?
Occasionally, I do...I would do it more, but:

1) I don't have a decent webcam...

2) or a laptop, for that matter.

3) I'm usually at work when I do this...I can get away with typing and shit, but sitting at my desk talking to "myself" will raise a few eyebrows.

You know what, I might do a few more though...

Do you check WSHH or mto?
I don't have to, my co-workers check them for me and send me all the good stuff lol

Bracelets on Guys Yay or Nay?
Well...

Are you a good trash talker?
You're asking ME?! I talk more shit than a gastroenterologist on a daily basis here, and you want to know if I do the same all the time? Where do you think I practice lol...know what, add me on Facebook and find out.

planking yay or nay?
I...just don't get it. Is it fun? Is it exercise? What? What the fuck is the point? I did think it was hilarious when I heard that that one genius tried to plank on his 7th story balcony railing and ended up as wood chips on the ground...Charles Darwin would have chuckled.

How much do you think the government watches you?
Have you seen the number of cameras in the average American city? Outside stores, on street lights, on all public transportation, in police cars, in people's hands...so, likely whenever you're not in your own home...and maybe even then. Whatever...hope they enjoy the show.

First job?
My first job was back in junior year, when I worked concerts, games and other events at the Liacouras Center as a...um...what exactly did I do? Well, I worked there. Actually, I was a little tight on money a while back and went back there for a concert recently...I didn't get to see the concert (and don't know if I actually would have wanted to) but did see 2 separate fights featuring the same 2 girls, countless specimens for my hoodrat studies, the longest (yes, longest) titties I have ever seen in my life, AND got a free lighter out of the deal! Yes, there is a post about it.

Ever been frisked by the police?
lol...like once a week...we have a thing called "stop and frisk" here, which allows cops to stop any "suspicious" folk and run a light search of their person. I could have sworn those old guys with the high socks and the powdered wigs wrote something about that not being cool (in this very city, actually), but local law enforcement figured fuck it, I guess...


Smash 1, marry 1, kill 1, Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Meagan Good
lol...aight, why not.

"Kill" is easy...Kimmy K gets voted off this mortal coil for a egregiously bad fame to merit ratio. "Marry"...hmm...Amber Rose has my sister's first name, so it's definitely not something I'd want to utter in romantic contexts for the rest of my life (a few minutes would be okay though, so she'll get the "Smash" sash), so I guess that's Meagan Good by default...plus she was in "Friday", so she gets bonus points for that. Yeah, I'm going Amber Rose, Meagan Good, Kim Kardashian, in that order.

Have any gay friends?
Possibly, but not on purpose...seeking out people to be friends with just because they're gay is heterophobic.


everybody has an american express list, things you never leave home without. what's yours?
I'll do you one better...
(from L to R: phone *represented by case, something had to take the pic*. wallet *moths flying out not pictured*, ChapStick, keys, fitted *color and logo may vary*, extra battery for phone, battery charger, pick)

You might notice and be surprised that there is no lighter...well it seems I never leave home without losing one of those, so it's only appropriate.

Well, that's about all we have time for this week! If you wanna be part of the fun for next week (or part of the leftover fun from this one), all you gotta do is...well, y'all seem to have figured that out, but here's a link anyway.

Formsprung- Season 2



What's good with y'all this Wednesday? We got a lot of questions this week...44, in fact...so new rule, the maximum question per week limit is now 21 (why 21? It's my site, that's why). I'll definitely get around to an answer for every last question that finds its way into my inbox (I promise), but for right now...here ya go!

Did you see where another guy got his dick cut off? There has to be a law against this!
Yeah, I saw...ouch. Put that shit in the garbage disposal too. Short of developing cyborg technology and making that dude a RoboCock, that ain't coming back. I know marriages can get a little rocky, but making your husband into a Ken doll is never the answer.


That's why when I become President, any woman who removes a man's equipment without justification (and trust me, it would have to be one HELL of a justification) would have both pairs of lips sutured shut permanently, then simply left to live their life. I think that's fair.



How would you change education in America?
It has to be more about actually teaching and bringing out the strengths of the individual kids instead of just filling out some pointless bullshit worksheet...that doesn't teach anything but how to fill out pointless bullshit worksheets. We need to realize that some children must get left behind. Also, the only mandatory part about school would be the things people actually need to learn (reading, writing, arithmetic, the fact that neither of the last 2 words begin with "R") ...the rest is optional. Oh, and parents would be required to spend at least an hour a day teaching their kids about life, under penalty of death.

Are you a jersey shore fan?
lol no, not at all...I saw when the little orange snowman girl got punched clear off a barstool and halfway across the dance floor by some dude, but other than that I can't say I've watched a single episode. I'm really okay on those...interesting examples of humanity.

!!!!!NEW ORLEANS!!!!!
Gotta love a loyal reader...

OVER/UNDER 2 Lebron championships
Pardon the indecision, but push. 2 sounds about right...he's got maybe 5 elite years left, and I think he'll get better at clutch situations with time (he damn sure can't get worse) but the problem is other superteams are forming at the same time...oh, and he would have to get past the Lakeshow (or whatever other WC team comes up) for a title. So 2...and if you put a gun to my head to go one way or another, 1.


Do you smile in pictures or mean mug?
Either, depepnding on the context of the pic...but since this is my current FB pic:

I'll go with "mug". (Hmm, wonder what this profile picture says about me?)

Weed Rap Yay or Nay
Hey...I like weed, I like rap...what's not to like?

Do you DAP white guys off or give them a handshake?
haha...that's an interesting question...I never really thought about it. Honestly, I go for the handshake unless they're coming with something else (as long as they have the required cool points to use a pound, dap, fist bump or other hand greeting...if not, you WILL get left hanging).


How many times you brush ya teeth a day?
Once...but I usually rinse my mouth out with plenty of alcohol during the course of a day, so it's fine.

Lose your hearing or eyesight?
Hearing, definitely...do you have any idea how many people would be better seen and not heard?

Why don't you vlog?
Occasionally, I do...I would do it more, but:

1) I don't have a decent webcam...

2) or a laptop, for that matter.

3) I'm usually at work when I do this...I can get away with typing and shit, but sitting at my desk talking to "myself" will raise a few eyebrows.

You know what, I might do a few more though...

Do you check WSHH or mto?
I don't have to, my co-workers check them for me and send me all the good stuff lol

Bracelets on Guys Yay or Nay?
Well...

Are you a good trash talker?
You're asking ME?! I talk more shit than a gastroenterologist on a daily basis here, and you want to know if I do the same all the time? Where do you think I practice lol...know what, add me on Facebook and find out.

planking yay or nay?
I...just don't get it. Is it fun? Is it exercise? What? What the fuck is the point? I did think it was hilarious when I heard that that one genius tried to plank on his 7th story balcony railing and ended up as wood chips on the ground...Charles Darwin would have chuckled.

How much do you think the government watches you?
Have you seen the number of cameras in the average American city? Outside stores, on street lights, on all public transportation, in police cars, in people's hands...so, likely whenever you're not in your own home...and maybe even then. Whatever...hope they enjoy the show.

First job?
My first job was back in junior year, when I worked concerts, games and other events at the Liacouras Center as a...um...what exactly did I do? Well, I worked there. Actually, I was a little tight on money a while back and went back there for a concert recently...I didn't get to see the concert (and don't know if I actually would have wanted to) but did see 2 separate fights featuring the same 2 girls, countless specimens for my hoodrat studies, the longest (yes, longest) titties I have ever seen in my life, AND got a free lighter out of the deal! Yes, there is a post about it.

Ever been frisked by the police?
lol...like once a week...we have a thing called "stop and frisk" here, which allows cops to stop any "suspicious" folk and run a light search of their person. I could have sworn those old guys with the high socks and the powdered wigs wrote something about that not being cool (in this very city, actually), but local law enforcement figured fuck it, I guess...


Smash 1, marry 1, kill 1, Kim Kardashian, Amber Rose, Meagan Good
lol...aight, why not.

"Kill" is easy...Kimmy K gets voted off this mortal coil for a egregiously bad fame to merit ratio. "Marry"...hmm...Amber Rose has my sister's first name, so it's definitely not something I'd want to utter in romantic contexts for the rest of my life (a few minutes would be okay though, so she'll get the "Smash" sash), so I guess that's Meagan Good by default...plus she was in "Friday", so she gets bonus points for that. Yeah, I'm going Amber Rose, Meagan Good, Kim Kardashian, in that order.

Have any gay friends?
Possibly, but not on purpose...seeking out people to be friends with just because they're gay is heterophobic.


everybody has an american express list, things you never leave home without. what's yours?
I'll do you one better...
(from L to R: phone *represented by case, something had to take the pic*. wallet *moths flying out not pictured*, ChapStick, keys, fitted *color and logo may vary*, extra battery for phone, battery charger, pick)

You might notice and be surprised that there is no lighter...well it seems I never leave home without losing one of those, so it's only appropriate.

Well, that's about all we have time for this week! If you wanna be part of the fun for next week (or part of the leftover fun from this one), all you gotta do is...well, y'all seem to have figured that out, but here's a link anyway.

7.12.2011

Training Day


It was last week sometime (I don't know the exact day, for someone like me, that was months ago) when I did my bi-weekly check of my office email inbox. Among the usual job-related (and therefore completely uninteresting) mass emails, notifications of lost and found things in the building, (which only cover physical items able to be purchased at a store, unfortunately...just once, I want to open an email that says "FOUND: common sense, please claim as soon as possible, claims by multiple people encouraged/one of my co-workers' noses in my boss's ass/my childhood" or "LOST: 1 smug supervisory attitude, was a family heirloom, has sentimental value/a life's worth of hopes and dreams after working in this soul crushing suck pit for 15 years"...I know those things happen all the time, I would just like to see it documented) YouTube video links, and offers to sell unwanted Phillies tickets or pay someone to take unwanted Sixers tickets, there was an email addressed specifically to me from Upstairs. These kind of emails usually mean trouble, and so I opened it expecting the worst.

I just about got what I expected. The email informed me that, after 3 years of service...well, showing up...that I had been selected for "staff training". In case you've never had a job, (you lucky and likely very rich or good-looking so-and-so) staff training is a pretty universal process where new hires to a company are forced to sit down, get a mandatory history lesson about a place that they really want to know nothing about that they're not getting paid to know, and have their job duties explained to them in a manner far more time-consuming and often insulting to the intelligence than necessary. (Did I mention I have been here for 3+ years? If I don't have a pretty firm handle on my job by now, I either need to be fired because I suck at life or promoted because I'm the greatest job delegation specialist of my time.)

At first, I was all for it. I had a few jobs before, so I knew generally what to expect as far as training...an hour or 2 away from working, a poorly acted and laughable video, maybe filling out a questionnaire or 2...but what I didn't know was that this complicated, dangerous and almost unimaginably technical job putting files in numerical order and pushing a cart around required very thorough training. 2 full days of training. Wait, full+...it would have required me to stay half an hour (or 45-50 minutes, depending who you ask) past my let-out time, all to be trained in the dark and mystical arts of clerical work. No talking, no phones(!), no sleeping, and damn sure no umf. These mandates became a bit of a problem for me.

I began to evaluate the potential effectiveness of the program through a series of self-addressed questions. Would I be paid to complete this training? No, not any more than I would if I simply showed up and did the same thing I've been doing for the past 3 years. Would my corporate advancement be hindered by a failure to attend? Very likely...but then again, if I advance here, this becomes a career, and if this becomes a career, I'll get a strong urge to wait for the subway train while standing on the tracks...so I'd just have to miss out on all the raises that nobody is getting anyway. Would I learn anything by attending this training? Yes, but they would all be things that people I work with would be justified in asking me about later, thereby increasing my responsibility and not my paycheck. (Currently I'm like one of those magic 8-balls except all my answers are "I don't know" and "that is not certain" and "go Google it, bitch".) Not to mention I really don't plan on being here long enough to use any new, nifty job skills I may learn during that 16 hour chunk out of my life. At that point, after considering all the possible variables and permutations of the decision. I decided "fuck that."

I was not wasting all day learning useless bullshit I would likely never see again...I spent 12 years doing that when it was required by law. I came in today after a long weekend, determined not to go down there without some kicking and screaming. Plan A was to simply pop up at my desk and start working like I never heard anything about it...but then I found out that another email had went out yesterday to make sure I was reminded of my duty to train after my day off, so that was scrapped. Plan B was to insist that I didn't need to go...but I was told that everyone else had to go too (and had to stop myself from asking a hypothetical question involving everyone else leaping from a bridge for fear of the answer).

That's when I saw my rather imposing-looking workload...I had never been so happy to see so many files. I had no idea that much happiness could fit into a manila folder. I happily informed some higher-ups that workplace efficiency would suffer to a grave degree if I were to be removed from my job duties for any length of time (they didn't need to know I could have it done by lunchtime...and here I am). One look at the Leaning Tower of Probation Files accumulated by my desk was all the convincing they needed to release me into my normal job duties. I might not have attended the training program (and have no plans to...somehow I believe I'm gonna be swamped for a while) but it should be quite evident by now that I've managed to get the best on-the-job lesson of all: that appearing useful is of far greater importance than actually being useful.

7.07.2011

Farewell, welfare!


...is what you can say if you're on welfare in Florida and fail a drug test. One of the hot-button issues going around halls of conversation everywhere (no, not She Who Will Not be Jailed...we discussed that bitch yesterday, we're off that now) is the drug testing of people recieving government assistance. Laws mandating this have been debated for a long time, but just recently passed in Florida, which is likely the first of many states to enact such a policy. Of course, on the surface it's a noble intent...if you have money to buy drugs, you have money to feed your family and therefore don't need the government's. That's fair to say...after all, people shouldn't be using taxpayer dollars to fund their substance habits (and I can say that without hypocrisy, as I haven't collected an unemployment check in 3 years).

However, let's dig under the surface a bit. Welfare recipients usually have kids, right? Now let's say Mommy doesn't have a job, likes to smoke weed and isn't smart enough to somehow obfuscate this fact from the authorities. As a result, she fails a drug test and loses her assistance. Now, of course, she's wrong for taking government money and buying anything besides food, clothes, and utilities for her household and she herself honestly doesn't deserve it because she should get her lazy ass up and find a restaurant that needs a waitress, a head of hair that needs braiding, some babies that need sitting or a lonely old man who needs a special friend. But she's not the only person involved, is she? What about her children, who haven't done anything besides be born to a mother with fucked up priorities and now have no food on the table? Do they deserve to be punished along with her?

Of course, I used marijuana for an example (even though it's just a plant, as I say so often) ...and that's mostly because the ganja is the only thing such screenings catch unless you've pretty much literally got your crack pipe in the room with you. You see, most of the harder stuff (heroin, speed, coke, crack, pills, all that)  is out of your body in less than 48 hours...cannabis can take up to a month to completely leave your system. That means our stoner mommy from last paragraph will lose her benefits, but over in different families, Meth Fiend Daddy and Coked-Up Auntie will get to keep right on snorting and shooting away on our dime...and keep their kids. What about the guy who has a cigarette with every thought but not a job in the world or the woman who, every morning, brushes her teeth with a bottle of Jack...and then drinks it? Aren't they hurting their families too? There has to be a better way to...um...weed these kind of people out.

Okay...so we take the kids away from their bad parent/guardian. That's fine...but then who takes care of the kids? They don't just open the door and let them out in the streets like unruly pets, do they? Oh wait...that's us again, isn't it? Orphanages, Child Protective Services, childcare stipends for foster parents, all sure to go up...and you bet your ass you pay for that. Add in the cost of these screening programs (yeah, most people don't handle cups of warm piss for free) and how much money do these measures really save? I don't know, maybe it's just me...I can get behind the spirit of laws like this, illegal drugs are not on the taxpayer's shopping list, I dig that...it's just the implementation that kind of confuses me (well...that and the fact that plants can be illegal). Whose welfare does this protect again?

7.06.2011

Formsprung- Season 2


What it is, y'all? In case you're not with the program, this right here is "Formsprung", the top-rated weekly reader question and answer segment...that I know of (and please don't correct me, let me have this). All week umf'ers have been contributing anonymous questions (which I thank y'all so much for), and I'm now going to answer them to the best of my ability...or just say something I think is funny. I don't know yet. Whatever, let's get this started.

How was your July 4th?
Actually, I didn't really do much...I came back from vacation late that day and used that time to dread going to work the next day. I didn't go see any fireworks either, but I downloaded a moving "fireworks" screensaver on my phone for the day and that was good enough for me.


Did you see the "White Oj" was found not guilty?
Heh...is that what they're calling that woman now? I could see that. Yeah, I did...hey, in the eyes of the law, it couldn't be proven that she was gulity of all the charges...so legally, they made the right call with the shaky direct evidence available. Of course, common sense would tell you that people don't generally get inked and go shake their ass to Ke$ha a week after their child dies, but what do common sense and the law have to do with each other? Doesn't hold up in court, unfortunately...

It's okay though, I have serious doubts about her ability to lead a normal life from here on out...Facebook exploded like Bin Laden died again when the verdict was announced, and if that's any indication of how she'll be treated by pretty much everyone, she won't be living that down anytime soon. Ever seen "The Scarlet Letter"? That chick is marked...you don't have to necessarily die to lose your life, and I have a strong feeling that she and what she deserves will meet each other.

(By the way, you see how we didn't even use a name and we all know what we're talking about? That's serious hate buzz...that shit is permanent. The bitch is like Voldemort now...)

New Orleans!!!!!!!!!!!!

What, no ALLCAPS this week? lol...



Ever been 2 jail?
Oh, na...not for me. That's for the birds (and it makes sense in that context, as it is a building filled with cages often lined with newspaper). I don't plan on going, either. One of the few benefits of my day job is I get to see how the criminal justice system works on a very personal level, and I want NO parts of it. Fuck that.

Are you a porn aficionado? Fav Star?
heh...not really...I prefer the company of 3D females and that's a very thin subsititute. However, I will say that chick Pinky has some serious skills...she could suck the air out of a bowling ball.

Cigarettes Yay or Nay?
I'm kind of a special case...sober, I could go the rest of my life without one (theoretically...not like we'll ever know) ...but let me start drinking or blaze one up, and I'm down...well, up, actually...it's an awesome high-booster...still can't smoke over like 5 a day though, I'll never know how pack-a-day smokers do it. So to answer your question, neither yay nor nay...but with a J.

when do you get time to write all that here (at work)? You usually look busy!
...and what do you think I'm busy doing?

Do you tumblr?
I don't...never really saw the point. Then again, you're talking to one of the 3 Americans under 25 with internet access who still doesn't use Twitter (and won't) so...

How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Dammit, I meant to count before I left this morning and didn't...I wear somewhere between 40 and 60 pairs of sneakers in just about every color imaginable because I have many hats and they deserve partners...see?

I'm even kind enough not to tag my Facebook friends in pics of them for no reason.

AJ........ Do you love these hoes?
No, sir...I do not. I know those that do love hoes, sluts, skanks and scallywags (especially sluts), but me? Na, I don't love these hoes. Those hoes either.

Do you dance?
Not sober...I'll hit a 2-step in the bar/club and maybe a little TD dance when things really go my way in life, but you won't catch me cranking that anything. I'm too big for all that...I start spinning on my head and somebody's gonna get kicked in the face.

What you think about solitary confinement?
On the surface, putting somebody in time-out all alone so they can think about what they've done is a long-standing tradition, but I actually was watching a National Geographic special about it not too long ago...supposedly it drives people the fuck crazy (or gives them time to increase their existing crazy rating). As a method of separating those who don't deserve to be in the presence of others, it works...as a method of rehabilitation (the entire point of jail, in theory) not so much.

Boobs or Ass?
I'll take what's behind door #1, please...


Threesome with any 2 WOMEN, who you picking?
Se Ri Pak and Annika Sorenstrom...I think they'd be great golf partners, especially since I've never really played and might need some coaching.



I'll be honest, I almost didn't go. A lot of common ceremonies hold no interest for me. I figured, fuck it, I'm done, I don't want to go back and deal with these assholes any more.

Of course, my parents, who had been through 12 long years of less than stellar grades, suspensions for lateness and "insubordination" (when the fuck did I agree to be subordinate?), and other stupid shit, insisted (mandated) that I go, so they could take pics of me in a weird ceremonial dress or something. I showed them though...wore my tassel on one of my Cowboys hats. School staff complained, but what the fuck were they gonna do, fail me? In the end, I'm glad I went...especially since I got to flip off an unliked teacher from the stage consequence-free...

That was interesting as always...thanks for all your questions this week! How I've been doing this Q and A for 68 weeks and damn near 800 questions lightly boggles my mind, but it's always fun and as long as y'all got questions, I got answers. Aight, if you want to throw something at me for next week, it's easy...look for the question box >over there>  or if you just prefer links:

any question you want...go 'head, fire away...fuckit, I'll answer...

7.05.2011

Staycation: All I ever wanted...


As you may have noticed, I didn't post anything here (or on the umf fanpage...had an announcement about it there today which I won't repeat here because everybody who really cares *like*s umf on Facebook) Friday. I had all intentions on it...in fact, I had the post from earlier today all typed up and ready to go. That's when my laptop cut off...and of course, I didn't save a damn thing. I got a little upset, and as the hammer struck the pulverized casing of what once was a laptop for the 17th time, I suddenly realized I needed a vacation...from everything (so if you called/texted/commented/whatever'd me this weekend, there's your explanation for my disappearance from the face and Facebook of the earth).

Of course, I'm broke (and likely will be until somebody finds me funny enough to start consistently paying me for it) so I couldn't exactly hop on my private jet and traipse off to the Bahamas for a weekend, but luckily I was invited to an extended hotel party in Somewhere Else, PA for the 4th...I figured that was close enough. I decided to make that my vacation. After vowing to myself to stay off my phone and the internet until Monday (something I only cheated at a little but did a decent job doing for a guy whose right hand should be part Android by now) I set off for my low-budget escape. It sounds cliche, but I came back with a new perspective...here are just a few of the things I learned during my staycation.

-When I'm really actively having fun, I have no desire to tell Facebook about it in the moment. Maybe afterwards, maybe never (some things are better left untyped...there, anyway) but I never stop what I'm doing, remark to myself what fun I'm having, pick up the nearest internet-capable device, and give 140 of my best friends a play-by-play. This lends credence to my theory that most people who do so aren't having as much fun as they say...or are just trying to sound cool on Facebook (and are, by definition, failing).

-One can go into a Target having forgotten his toothbrush and come out with that, a 7-pack of ankle socks, and a Super Soaker (and almost a pair of Captain America boxers, if they had them in my size).

- Always screw your weed closed tightly. Somehow, I discovered early Saturday morning that I hadn't followed my future advice and as a result, had my prized crops integrated with the hotel carpet. Yes, I did try to recover it (and discovered the quality of the room vacuuming was top-notch, as a side note) and got less than a quarter of it back. I fought back tears at the moment, but was soon okay.

-Corned beef hash tastes like shit. I found this out through a 3rd party (hi Randi!) but was glad I did not have to learn this with my own mouth.

-Watching "Cops" and "Cheaters" for hours at a time is a little more fun away from home.

-Hotel pillows are very comfortable...and they don't really care if you take them (as far as I know).

-"Fuck it, I'm on vacation" is a pass for damn near everything. Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Hoarding most of the bacon from the breakfast buffet one day and using it in various sandwiches and other preparations the entire weekend? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. A Bloody Mary garnished with a slice of said bacon (so it qualifies as part of a balanced breakfast) at 9am?  Floating around in the pool on a giant inflatable donut with a cup full of every available liquor and mixer thrown together into a watermelon Southern Parrot Comfort Bay 100-proof Smirnoff Limon martini-garita in the middle of the day? Fuck it, I'm on vacation. Shooting small children in the face with a Super Soaker? Fuck it, I'm on vacation (it's fine, they liked it). Running around wearing nothing but an elaborate towel cape and Dallas Cowboys board shorts for large chunks of the weekend (and allowing a picture of it to be taken?) You get the point.

-You don't have to leave the country to have a great vacation. You don't even have to leave your state...just your state of mind.

I feel like a new man...lol...

Back to School- The End (or the High School Reunion Song)


Anybody who's graduated or listened to the radio in the back half of the 90s has heard that Vitamin C song. (If you can't tell which of the worldwide smash hits during her long and notable career I'm talking about, it's  "Graduation".) Although my high school experience was likely a bit different from hers, they played her song at my own high school graduation and it always made me think, but I never quite knew why. Now I do...the song, while a nice look at what "taking the next step in one's life" SHOULD be, bears little resistance to the reality I've encountered in my 6-ish years out of high school. So, I decided to write a more realistic version of the song...hopefully I get lucky and it gets played at every high school reunion ever in the future of mankind much like the original is now the inseparable anthem of graduations everywhere...so here it is, "After Graduation (Friends on Facebook)":

And so we went through school thinking this was our lives
it was 12 long years, but somehow we survived 
spent the last 4 in some pointless classes
now daycare for teens put us out on our asses
No Child Left Behind doesn't fly as adults
if you just failed to launch, there's no catapult
been so long since we walked down that aisle
a few stopped right there, but others went miles
the paths our lives have taken never cease to amaze me
some of us went as planned, others just went crazy
and if you got something to get off your chest
better do it now, who knows when we'll meet next
and I always flash back to that day in June
we said we couldn't wait, but it came too soon
well, a bit too soon for some of us at least
it's sad when high school is when your life peaks...
ain't that about a bitch?

As we go on
we can't forget
most of high school
was pure bullshit
and as our lives changed
different paths we took
but we can still be
friends on Facebook...

They said we had potential, could go past the block
but not all of us got to be astronauts...
Admit you thought that things would never change
but now what's a surprise is how little stayed the same
some got jobs, some of us did bids
and some of us just used all the time to have kids
can't help but find it ironic where our lives are at
the star baller slings fries and wears a paper hat
some high school things fade and they get gone soon
The prom queen now goes "moo" and jumps over the moon
she was a stuck up bitch, how now brown cow?
but the girl she made fun of is a model somehow
the geeks all got rich and therefore cool
and the guy who got the girls now gets all the dudes
church girl thumped the bible, now she's working the pole
crazy how people act, but they end up switching roles
ain't that about a bitch?

(chorus)

la la la la
yeah yeah yeah
la la la la
we can still be friends on Facebook 

Some of us wish for the past cuz our lives suck now
We survived high school
but fucked it up somehow
I guess we thought we'd always be okay
but real life hit since graduation day
some of us found hills for our lives to go down
 a lot of shit changed since we left this town...
told us at graduation the limit was the sky
a few years later, for most of us that's a lie
ain't that about a bitch?

(repeat chorus 3x)


 Thanks for hanging with this series, umf'ers...it's been great. Class dismissed!