What you might not be aware of is that many of the chapters in the book were ported directly from umf...I polished 'em up a bit, of course...there's a big gap between lunchtime ramblings and book chapter...but the source material cannot be denied.
However, the purpose of me typing all this is to let y'all know how much I love umf'ers. Clearly I do, because what I'm doing now is giving you what pretty much amounts to an album cut of these old umf posts. They're actual chapters from "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge", and I share them with you in the hopes that you'll like 'em enough to support me anyway...or maybe just read the damn thing, period.
Anyway, since I've decided to go all the way in on these select chapters, they will be hereby known as "Full Penetration Discourse", as opposed to the half-chapter "Quickies". Tee-hee.
Aight, here we go...today's is from part I, "For your Job", and goes by the name (f.u.c.k.- Surviving Work). Enjoy:
Let’s get
something straight about jobs. Nobody cares what you do for a living unless
they actually ask, and often not even then.
Accordingly,
suffice it to say since the first caveman was hired to hand-deliver gigantic
animal ribs that tip over prehistoric vehicles for 8 pebbles an hour, pretty
much every living person that doesn't work for themselves hates their fucking
job.
I can
honestly say I know your pain as I rot in some dank file room shuffling folders
for a couple clicks over minimum wage. (Hopefully by the time you read this,
I'll make a lie out of that sentence, but for now I'm no different.)
Having a
job is a part of most people’s lives, but there are 3 ways around this most
unpleasant experience.
The
first, of course, is to be in close proximity to a rich person's crotch at some
point in your life. Whether you're lucky enough to be born to one and pass
through your mommy's platinum-plated birth canal or end up betwixt some wealthy
thighs later on by your own free will, it's a time-tested and oft-proven way to
get just about anywhere you want in life.
Another
is simply to get a million-dollar idea, some serious financial backing,
and a dynamite ad campaign, then just pump your cash cow for money until you
just can't figure out how to spend it any more.
For those
of us who don’t know the 3rd way, we're stuck at our bullshit 9-5's
until the Social Security we won't get starts up and we can retire into
poverty. It's the American way.
However,
just because the average American who never calls out (let's assume they exist)
will spend upwards of 83,000 hours on the job before they retire doesn't mean
every last one of them has to suck.
That
brings us to this 3rd route around spending every day in a
purgatorial state, coping smartly.
You see,
there are many measures one can take to make the daily routine of selling your
life to Corporate America 8 hours at a time somewhat more bearable. Trust me,
if these techniques are effective in some anonymous den of suckitude tucked
away somewhere in Darkest Philly, then they'll likely work at your shitty gig
as well.
The keys
to getting through an average day doing something you don't like to maintain
your standard of living are as follows:
Look
busy. It's the most important thing
on this list because you can do almost nothing else without it. A common
misconception about jobs is that one's approval rating is based on how much
work he actually gets done. While this is true to some extent, you must realize
that looking like you are doing
something is far more important.
If you rocket
through all your job duties before lunch and spend the entire back half of the
day watching bad dance videos on YouTube, people will notice that you have done
no actual work for hours at a time and believe you are slacking, despite
everything that’s actually your problem on a daily basis being done.
However,
if you subtly sprinkle in distractions throughout the day (such as playing with
Facebook, texting incessantly, and running a semi-popular humor website with a
color scheme based on the uniforms of one's favorite pro football team, just
for a few examples that have nothing to do with the author of this book) and
have all your work barely done by quitting time, you will be lauded as a model
employee.
True, it
doesn't make any fucking sense...but like so many other things in life, that's
just the way it is.
Realize,
it's just not that serious. Sometimes,
our worst problems arise not from anything job-related, but from those we have
to do our jobs around.
Trust me,
I've worked around plenty of assholes (and written about them in this book) but
a lot of times the best thing to do is laugh (which is why I wrote about them in this book).
It's
tempting to let folk like that get under your skin a bit and start wanting to
punish them by sabotaging their work, eagerly snitching to a higher-up about
some minor rule they’ve bent, or stalking from office to office with an
Armalite AR-10 carbine gas-powered semi-automatic weapon, pumping round after
round into colleagues and coworkers.
However,
these are quick fixes that will have undesirable long term effects.
Yes,
they're insufferable cretins and make your life a little harder each day you
punch in; but just remember that at the end of the day you'll be at home and
away from them, and they still have to be around themselves. Isn't that
punishment enough?
Your work
is not your life, and if it is, you're dead already. You're just waiting to
make it official. If the odds say you're going to forget about it before you
get home, then they also say it's just not that serious.
Stay
out of office drama. It's true, you certainly
should stay out of office drama such as rumors, awkward people dynamics, and
other by-products of extended human interaction in close quarters. These things
can destroy character, careers and lives. Those that are affected by office
drama can be irreparably harmed by it.
This is why
it is imperative that you stay as far away from office drama...as you can hear
it from. The key is to be the discusser and not the discussed.
You see,
word around the water cooler is a fun and interesting time-waster. Who doesn't
like finding out that the boss is fucking his secretary(ies), guessing the
identity of the person who leaves the bathroom smelling like bum shit at 8 in
the morning, or trying to figure out who has been stealing the new temp's bag
lunches from the office refrigerator…and getting paid for it?
If we
lose our ability to unite around the (real or percieved) shortcomings and
misadventures of those we know, then we can consider ourselves a lost society.
However,
I can't impart to you enough that you should never be the star player in the
Office Speculation Games. Instead, stay on the sidelines and spectate. It's the
best seat in the house.
Consider
self-medication. Okay, this one isn't
for everybody. It's a bit controversial, and some of the substances that people
are known to use in this capacity are only vaguely, if at all legal...but hell,
it works for me.
Whether
it's a jolt of caffeine to jump-start the brain, a fully packed bowl or 2 to
calm the nerves, or a noseful of cocaine just to take the edge off, one's
personal fix can be like insulation against life's bullshit.
Take my
job for example. I work (usage of the word being quite loose) in some file room
somewhere...or something...and I take special care to be appropriately
medicated before I leave home.
That way,
if some asshole comes to my desk screaming about some file like I personally
lost it just to make sure they had something to be upset about, I can just
smile, nod, and gently point them in the direction of somebody who gives a
fuck.
The
effects don't end there. If one of my bosses is telling yet another
bone-dry joke, I'm in the right altered state of mind to find it (and
everything else anyone says that day) funny so I can laugh, he can get his
feeling of comedic fulfillment, and can then go the fuck away.
If I'm in
yet another boring, pointless meeting, I can sit there, think due to my
medicated state that it would be hilarious if a cricket sound played,
download an app on my smartphone to simulate this sound,
play it for all to hear, and watch the amusement of my co-workers (not that
I've ever done that).
I'm not
telling you to pick up a habit that you don't already have. That's what
commercials are for.
I also
realize everybody can't do this. Some folk are physicists and jet pilots and rocket
surgeons and all, and that type of job is not conducive to any kind of altered
state (unless you can REALLY hold your shit). Just consider it if you’re
having that much trouble dealing with your job.
5) Be
happy you even have a damn job- I get
it, work sucks. You won't hear a rebuttal of that observation from me.
However,
having a job does do one thing that does not suck in any way...it pays the
bills (and maybe allows you room for one hobby or something). In times like
this, where you even have to give a nickel for someone's thoughts due to
inflation and an unstable currency, we should all be grateful for that.
Trust me,
I hate going to work as much as the next man. That's why I'm sitting here
writing this, in the hopes that people like you will rescue me from this place
a few bucks at a time.
However,
I do like that special moment twice a month where my employer goes "here...we
think this is a fair amount to pay for 2 weeks of your time" and ration me
my living wages. (Well..."like" is a bit strong..."like" doesn't
travel far in this concept without a couple more 0's as wheels.)
In fact,
one time they even gave me a bonus that was almost 20% of my biweekly salary. I
was so pleased that I wrote my job a letter on their time that I never sent.
For the 2 weeks after that, I was a 20% better worker…well, about 14% after taxes.
(Unfortunately, the bonus was only a one-time thing...which made both cause and
effect into one-time things.)
Anyway, that
was a big reminder of what I liked about having a job. When you find yourself
thinking "I really hate my job", try thinking how much you would hate
not having one and not knowing when one is coming. About once a month, that and
the fourth item on this list have to drag me out of bed...but dammit, they
work.
Hopefully, you can apply one or more of these to your daily
life and each day at work will go a bit smoother. The fact is, few people
actually like what they do to make a dollar...but just because work in general
sucks doesn't mean your job has to blow. I really hope that helps.
I wish I could tell you to have a great day at work, but if
you’re reading this, you know that’s an oxymoron. I won’t insult your
intelligence.
