*fittedwearer's note: Happy Presidents' Day! Today, many of us get a day off from work in order to observe leaders of our nation, from the rebellious slaveowners that founded this country to the one tall guy with the Rick Rossian beard who always wore that hat, all the way up through the ones that most of us still can't name without having recently watched this episode of 90's classic cartoon "Animaniacs" (...seriously, why don't they make kids programs like that any more? I grew up watching people get whacked with hammers and anvils, seeing genetically-altered mice attempting to take over the world, finding out what mafia pigeons do in their spare time, and learning the name of every country in the world at the time in the same half-hour...where is that for today's youth? Let me find out this is yet another thing I have to handle myself) to the recent ones I can completely change the tone of this post with depending on which of numbers 40-44 I would choose to mention.
That's all great, but I'm not here to talk about that today...this is less presidents and more precedents. (Besides, I just used up most of my material on the subject.) Nobody's going to say I didn't nod at it though...could land me on some kind of America-hater watchlist I'm not famous enough to deal with yet. Anyway, let's get on topic, this is a more important debate than any candidate has participated in...that we know of. (Stay with me too...this ain't about football, trust me.)
If you have a passing awareness of football, you know that a touchdown is the scoring play in which a player crosses the goal line. Each time a team scores a touchdown, they are awarded 7 points toward their final score. Of course, if you really know football, you know that that's not entirely accurate. Yes, the vast majority of the time--I'd wager over 98%--a team gets in the end zone, 7 points result. However, there is one overlooked detail that can mean the difference between a sucessfully converted score and a somewhat confusing result that can leave people scratching their heads and even have a disastrous effect on the game at large: the extra point.
The extra point in football takes the form of a 20-yard field goal, and is a largely token play with a minimal amount of suspense. (In some video games like NFL Blitz, they skip it entirely and just give it to you...that's how unimpressive that part of a game usually is.) Nevertheless, in the few cases where it doesn't work out, it's an event that is scrutinized for days, weeks, sometimes years afterwards if the context around the play (score, game time, regular season or playoff game) is severe enough. I see the place the extra point has in the game of football and cannot help but envison a similar place in life for another concept...paternity testing.
(Let's get that disbelieving pause out of the way...)
Now that you've fixed your face, let me take the next few paragraphs and explain just what the fuck the two things have to do with each other. You see, in the world of right this moment, paternity testing carries a social stigma. As a staple of daytime television usually involving folk of ill repute, it's looked upon as unnecessary for anyone who believes they're in a somewhat stable relationship (which is the nice term for NOT doing the midnight rodeo with every cowboy who tips his hat your way) with their creation partner, an implication of unfaithfulness or outright cockholstery on the part of the mother, and a divisive, controversial procedure that can corrode the foundation of a relationship, trust.
As for my own views on it, I believe it's time to drop all the bullshit and be real about this thing. In our modern world where many people choose to--well, I don't have to put on my prude hat, just flip on a TV set or run a lap around the internet if you don't know what's up--I look at DNA testing as less of an accusation and more the completion of a process...like an extra point. Gone are the days where a paternity test meant either thousands of dollars or a trip to television studios in Stamford, Connecticut and a visit with Mr. Povich. Now, one can buy an at-home test in stores or online for a couple hundred, have them analyzed in a lab, and get their confirmation discreetly (or tell their entire readership about it...fuck it, somebody's gotta be the face of this movement).
Hell, if you really want my opinion, we shouldn't even have to pay for it (or insurance should cover it...fancy that). It should become standard practice...every baby, every time. Sure, most of the time things would go smoothly, the full point total would be collected, and things would proceed without incident. However, if there was a special teams lapse somewhere, things would likely be no good...and I believe every potential father has the right to know about it immediately. Unfortunately, as of today, they do not...I feel that is a mild to moderate injustice in the climate of today.
I know this isn't going to be my most popular opinion. I understand how this kind of subject can be kind of awkward to discuss with someone you care about, but so is the kind of discussion that may require names, birth certificates, and marriage statuses to change years after a baby is born. It's twentytwelve. The shit happens more than you think about...I know a few personal stories of dads who found out just why their children don't have his family chin way too late, and a recent poll shows that 27% of women who were "unsure of their chlid's parentage" would keep it to themselves. As that number is over 0%, I personally believe I'd be a braying beast of burden not to investigate in my own new parenting case. (Seriously, if you would count your change at the supermarket to make sure you actually got $4.63 back, why wouldn't you check this out?). In case you haven't figured yet, that's what that envelope is about.
That's right...I had my kid tested (and as you see by the use of the word "my", I'm about as sure as anyone who hasn't had their partner followed by "Cheaters" for the past year or so that he'll pass) and I'm cool with that. It's absolutely no reflection on her, in fact I'd planned to do this before I ever knew her or knew her...I just feel that men have a right to know in just as clear-cut a manner as women, who can usually identify their biological children by tugging on their own umbilical cords soon after birth to see what's on the other end, like trying to find a specific plug in a power strip. (What kind of advocate would I be if I didn't do it myself, anyway?)
In contrast, due to the merciful designs of nature, men do not carry children...so this is the only way to know for a fact (and please return the "you should trust her" card to your deck, shuffle it, and draw a new hand...faith is good, facts are better and legally recognized). Instantly, you remove all doubt, engrave both parties' roles in stone, remove any possible angry fabrications that somebody will spend years explaining away, and even get a nice certificate that one can frame and hang in one's home like a diploma. Either that, or the doc comes in and waves the try "no good" and the two parties can take it from there however they choose...in any case, it should be done after every baby touchdown.
Hey...it's not like I'm not operating under the assumption that he is mine already. Trust me, THAT's not what I'm worried about. I'm doing the whole parent trainee program (the overnight classes too), I'm looking at Cowboys onesies online, I may have even kissed him once or twice...that's stopping when he's two though. I'm just also not ashamed of the fact that I will have my parenthood confirmed in a laboratory, turning my theory into law. (Plus, when I called the place up, the representative was named Deion, just like the kid I called concerning...that coincidence was worth the phone call by itself.)
People may look at me cross-eyed for doing it, but the way I see it, they should turn their eyes all the way around and look at themselves crazy for not living in this particular reality. The extra point needs to become as much a part of the delivery as an epidural to save a lot of people a lot of headache, both immediate and delayed. Besides, Maury's getting up there in years...he won't always be around to promote this kind of thing...
That's all great, but I'm not here to talk about that today...this is less presidents and more precedents. (Besides, I just used up most of my material on the subject.) Nobody's going to say I didn't nod at it though...could land me on some kind of America-hater watchlist I'm not famous enough to deal with yet. Anyway, let's get on topic, this is a more important debate than any candidate has participated in...that we know of. (Stay with me too...this ain't about football, trust me.)
The extra point in football takes the form of a 20-yard field goal, and is a largely token play with a minimal amount of suspense. (In some video games like NFL Blitz, they skip it entirely and just give it to you...that's how unimpressive that part of a game usually is.) Nevertheless, in the few cases where it doesn't work out, it's an event that is scrutinized for days, weeks, sometimes years afterwards if the context around the play (score, game time, regular season or playoff game) is severe enough. I see the place the extra point has in the game of football and cannot help but envison a similar place in life for another concept...paternity testing.
(Let's get that disbelieving pause out of the way...)
Now that you've fixed your face, let me take the next few paragraphs and explain just what the fuck the two things have to do with each other. You see, in the world of right this moment, paternity testing carries a social stigma. As a staple of daytime television usually involving folk of ill repute, it's looked upon as unnecessary for anyone who believes they're in a somewhat stable relationship (which is the nice term for NOT doing the midnight rodeo with every cowboy who tips his hat your way) with their creation partner, an implication of unfaithfulness or outright cockholstery on the part of the mother, and a divisive, controversial procedure that can corrode the foundation of a relationship, trust.
As for my own views on it, I believe it's time to drop all the bullshit and be real about this thing. In our modern world where many people choose to--well, I don't have to put on my prude hat, just flip on a TV set or run a lap around the internet if you don't know what's up--I look at DNA testing as less of an accusation and more the completion of a process...like an extra point. Gone are the days where a paternity test meant either thousands of dollars or a trip to television studios in Stamford, Connecticut and a visit with Mr. Povich. Now, one can buy an at-home test in stores or online for a couple hundred, have them analyzed in a lab, and get their confirmation discreetly (or tell their entire readership about it...fuck it, somebody's gotta be the face of this movement).
Hell, if you really want my opinion, we shouldn't even have to pay for it (or insurance should cover it...fancy that). It should become standard practice...every baby, every time. Sure, most of the time things would go smoothly, the full point total would be collected, and things would proceed without incident. However, if there was a special teams lapse somewhere, things would likely be no good...and I believe every potential father has the right to know about it immediately. Unfortunately, as of today, they do not...I feel that is a mild to moderate injustice in the climate of today.
I know this isn't going to be my most popular opinion. I understand how this kind of subject can be kind of awkward to discuss with someone you care about, but so is the kind of discussion that may require names, birth certificates, and marriage statuses to change years after a baby is born. It's twentytwelve. The shit happens more than you think about...I know a few personal stories of dads who found out just why their children don't have his family chin way too late, and a recent poll shows that 27% of women who were "unsure of their chlid's parentage" would keep it to themselves. As that number is over 0%, I personally believe I'd be a braying beast of burden not to investigate in my own new parenting case. (Seriously, if you would count your change at the supermarket to make sure you actually got $4.63 back, why wouldn't you check this out?). In case you haven't figured yet, that's what that envelope is about.
That's right...I had my kid tested (and as you see by the use of the word "my", I'm about as sure as anyone who hasn't had their partner followed by "Cheaters" for the past year or so that he'll pass) and I'm cool with that. It's absolutely no reflection on her, in fact I'd planned to do this before I ever knew her or knew her...I just feel that men have a right to know in just as clear-cut a manner as women, who can usually identify their biological children by tugging on their own umbilical cords soon after birth to see what's on the other end, like trying to find a specific plug in a power strip. (What kind of advocate would I be if I didn't do it myself, anyway?)
In contrast, due to the merciful designs of nature, men do not carry children...so this is the only way to know for a fact (and please return the "you should trust her" card to your deck, shuffle it, and draw a new hand...faith is good, facts are better and legally recognized). Instantly, you remove all doubt, engrave both parties' roles in stone, remove any possible angry fabrications that somebody will spend years explaining away, and even get a nice certificate that one can frame and hang in one's home like a diploma. Either that, or the doc comes in and waves the try "no good" and the two parties can take it from there however they choose...in any case, it should be done after every baby touchdown.
Hey...it's not like I'm not operating under the assumption that he is mine already. Trust me, THAT's not what I'm worried about. I'm doing the whole parent trainee program (the overnight classes too), I'm looking at Cowboys onesies online, I may have even kissed him once or twice...that's stopping when he's two though. I'm just also not ashamed of the fact that I will have my parenthood confirmed in a laboratory, turning my theory into law. (Plus, when I called the place up, the representative was named Deion, just like the kid I called concerning...that coincidence was worth the phone call by itself.)
People may look at me cross-eyed for doing it, but the way I see it, they should turn their eyes all the way around and look at themselves crazy for not living in this particular reality. The extra point needs to become as much a part of the delivery as an epidural to save a lot of people a lot of headache, both immediate and delayed. Besides, Maury's getting up there in years...he won't always be around to promote this kind of thing...
2 comments:
My husband and I have never felt the need, but if it floats your boat and your lady is cool with it, why not? To sound sinister (which is something I hate to do, BTW), if you guys aren't married, there can be some very good reasons for you to have the test done now just in case things happen and you two separate -- not just for you but for her and your child, too. But let's not get all doomsday right now. I'm still celebrating 'lil cowboy's arrival!
You're absolutely right, e-mommy...I had planned this before I didn't plan her pregnancy and she knew it, so it was a good thing I uh...blanket covered myself from the start.
Oh, and update on the test...no surprises lol...he'll have his first Cowboys onesie within the month :)
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