What’s going on with umf’ers this beautiful Friday? If you’ve been reading this for a while (all 5 of you), you might know that every year around my birthday, I give myself a gift here…the gift of being understood. See, when I write and speak…hell, think…I don’t always feel that the words and phrases that whatever governing body oversees the English language issues us to use are adequate to express some of the concepts that run through my mind at any given time.
As a result, I end up either repackaging existing words, breeding one dictionary entry with another, or occasionally making one from scratch during the course of my infotainment. (Oh, look!) It’s fun for me and most folk who checked out last year’s list and the one before that think it’s good times too, but it has the unfortunate drawback of making it so I’m always having to explain a things that come out of my mouth in one way or another.
For that reason, I started this “High Definitions” thing, so whenever somebody needed some clarification on something I said, I could just give them a url and be done with it. I’m not sure I even get a birthday this year, being all grown up at gunpoint (there’s one) and all, but just in case I don’t, I know I’ll get at least one present…well, unless you feel like getting yourself a copy of my book…I’ll count that.
(Worth a shot, right?)
Aight, without any further introbation (oh, that was last year) here it is: “HiDef3: EverClear”. All words and phrases original except where indicated and credited.
0-for-ever (oh-four-eh-vur, adj.)- Taken from sporting notation of averages, it describes someone who strikes out at everything they do, a lifetime loser.
“Man, why do you keep trying to talk to that bartender every time we come in here, she always shuts you down… you’re literally 0-for-ever with her!”
12:01 (twehlv-oh-one, v.)- Often done by those who have little or no other resources at the time, it is the act of deliberately staying up and waiting for one's paycheck to be deposited directly.
"Yeah, you can come over and chill, I don't have any food in here but we can 12:01 this situation and order a pizza or something later since we have off tomorrow."
aggro crag (ah-gro-cragg, adj.)- Named for the booby-trapped foam rubber mountain that 90's children would attempt to scale to prove they had Guts, it describes a volatile loss of emotional control that could possibly get somebody injured.
"I have to get out of this job before I go aggro crag on somebody in here and defenestrate them."
appleseed (ahp-uhl-seed, v.)- Describes the act of wandering around in the streets leaving items in random places for reasons of advertisement, competition, or in the case of the namesake, who is famous for walking across the continent planting fruit trees for a still-undetermined purpose, complete batshit insanity.
"I really don't feel like walking all the way to the store, but I can do some appleseeding while I'm out, so fuck it."
asshollectual (ahs-whole-lek-tew-uhl, n.)- A person holding a degree in the Smartass Arts. This person not only has an answer for damn near any question, but a question for damn near every answer, if necessary....and "stupid" will be applied to both if the person feels it applied to one. Advanced practitioners may be given the suffix Ph.D, or "philosopher degenerate".
"I'm not just any opinionated idiot with a few jokes...I'm a certified asshollectual."
awesometatious (aww-sum-tay-shus, adj.)- Describes something that is gaudily outstanding in its pure excellence.
"Yeah, writing a book and having it published was pretty cool, but actually getting a book deal would be awesometatious.
beeper mode (bee-pur mowde, n.)- The state of having one's space-age smartphone which does everything but the dishes reduced to a reciever for incoming calls due to delayed bill payment.
"I'm on beeper mode for the next day or so, don't expect any texts from me."
bubble maker (buh-bull may-kur, n.)- a water powered conduit for the rapid ingestion of combustible plant materials.
"Oh, you brought some with you? Well, let me grab the bubble maker and let's get this started."
click-in (clik-inn, n.)- In earlier times, the dissatisfaction of citizens took the form of sit-ins, marches, insurrection, and other forms of (kinda) civil disobedience. Today, social unrest takes place almost purely on social networks, where people click links and share pictures to show their rage against the machine. This viral activism is referred to as a "click-in".
"Hey, did you hear about the bad thing that happened? They're having a click-in about it on Twitter...we're going to send the people's will crashing through the walls of tyranny one tweet at a time!"
clothesliner (clowths-lyn-urr, n.)- The mean older brother of a one-liner, this variety of retort not only qualifies as humorous, but suddenly terminates an unwanted conversation as well as an running arm swung across the throat.
"I saw a guy approach some girl today...she told his words were nice but his breath smelled like an insult...now that's a clothesliner!"
creation partner (cree-ay-shun part-nurr)- A person who helps you make a child, whether you asked for any help or not.
"She doesn't like to be called "baby mama", so even though "creation partner" means the same thing, I'll use that instead."
cussoteric (cuhs-oh-tare-ik, v.)- Describes things which contain profanity mostly to ward off anyone who would be put off by such triviality during the discussion of much larger concepts.
"umf isn't vulgar, it's cussoteric...this is just how I talk, anyone who can't overlook 4-letter words for the better words, I don't want here anyway."
cut a promo (cuht uh proh-moh)- To deliver a short, intense speech, usually directed at a specific person, airing one's grievances in the view of the public.
"He had the nerve to shoulder bump me and then look back like I did something fucked up...so I cut a promo on his ass right there on the train stop."
depreciating ass (dee-pree-she-ay-thing as, n.)- The concept that financing sex purely for the sake of sex with those with no other merit is a bad business decision at best.
"Think about it...after you've spent all that money buying that kind of girl into your bed and it's all over and you're just laying there counting ceiling tiles...where is there to go for that investment but down? What did you really get out of it that you couldn't have gotten yourself for free? It's probably going to get more expensive and less valuable...that, my friend, is depreciating ass."
draft rating (draft ray-ting, n.)- The number that determines the suitability of a relationship partner. The number is composed from a 1-10 rating of 10 important chracteristics of a significant other to form a number from 1 to 100. For further details, see "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". (Yes, in addition to being pretty fuckin' handy with a camera phone, I'm also now an ad ninja too.)
"I had the biggest crush on this girl from my 5:00 class, then I scouted her a little...had a few conversations, asked a couple questions...she's cute, but a 63, tops."
drawful (draw-ful, n.)- not only dreadful, but awful as well. Residents of the Philadelphia metropolitan area may note the alternate root of "draw", which is also acceptable in context.
"Saw a chick on the train today in a dashiki and Uggs...shit was truly drawful."
electrocommunication (e-lek-tro-kuh-myoo-ni-kay-shun, n.)- text messages, picture mail, social networking messages, etc.
"I told that bitch to lose my number...if I ever get another electrocommunication from her, she won't like the result."
"grown up at gunpoint"- describes someone who faced the destruction of pretty much everything they stand for in life due to an unforeseen change, determined the only way out was to gain a couple years of maturity in a few months, and did so against their will. (This person is likely doing nothing of the sort ever again as long as he is breathing to type the tale.)
"Last year he was a mostly carefree post-teenager, now he doesn't seem as happy but a little more responsible...he must have grown up at gunpoint."
hiclarity (hih-clair-it-ee, n.)- understanding through humor.
"The funniest things in life aren't jokes, they're inexplicable bullshit that someone brought hiclarity to."
hydrophobic (hi-droh-pho-bik, adj.)- describes a person who appears to be afraid of bathing.
"Every time she walks by I smell the walking dead...she must be hydrophobic."
jiffy lube (jih-fee loob, n.)- an express tryst.
"I think our friends are coming over in like 20...that's enough time for a jiffy lube, a shower, and a costume change, right?"
mantality (man-tahl-ih-tee, n.)- the cerebral processes of a person with a Y chromosomes.
"She thinks football is just a game...clearly she doesn't understand my mantality."
monodramatic (ma-noh-dra-mat-ik, adj.)- the state of having exactly one overly saturated color in your emotional spectrum.
"All she ever talks about online is how lonely she is for attention...she's so damn monodramatic."
periodic (pir-ee-odd-ik, adj.)- related to a woman's bodily resetting processes.
"She's overall a pretty decent chick, but her moods go through periodic changes."
phallovore (fa-low-voor)- a person who appears to have a diet consisting solely of male reproductive organs.
"One of the people I work with is always smiling in my face, but I know for a fact he's the one ratting me out every time I go to the bathroom without a hall pass or some shit...he's a real phallovore."
romanctivities (row-manc-tiv-it-tees, n.)- those actions, events, and occurences which are the "more than" with friends.
"We always been cool, but one we started with the romanctivities we decided to see how we worked as a couple."
rocket fuel (rok-it fyool, n.)- a strong alcoholic beverage.
"This has been a long ass week...skip the beers, I need some rocket fuel."
shame (shayme, n. *Rilla*)- A pack of lions is called a pride. This is the name for a group of losers.
"I tried to avoid even seeing him, but some guy from high school shouted me way out in public...I didn't like him or the shame he ran in back then, what makes him think anything has changed?"
slutriotism (slut-ree-uh-tiz-m, n.)- a woman's pride in her promiscuity.
"When AJ wrote that slut walk post, he stepped on the slutriotism of upstanding skanks nationwide...I'm sure he's sorry about that."
spider screen (spy-durr skreen, n.)- A severely damaged touchscreen phone display.
"Everytime I see somebody with spider screen, I want to slap them, hug them, give them a phone case, and tell them they can do better."
stupidvisor (stoo-pid-vy-zur, n.)- a small person with an even smaller position of power.
"My stupidvisor says I have to check with him before I leave the room I work in for any reason...he must be higher than I am."
trolling (trow-ling, n.)- a long-standing internet concept, it describes fucking with people for the pure sport of fucking with them.
"As soon as I can, I'm going to be trolling my son's life at every available opportunity...holding things out of his reach, playing word tricks, randomly smacking him, using submission holds...it's how I show everyone else I love them, right?"
"to the mat"- indicates a willingness to struggle violently over a concept.
"She said she wanted a green bathroom...I'm not the biggest fan, but I let her have it. Those purple flower bedsheets she's talking can't happen, though...I'm willing to go to the mat on that one."
underdosed (un-durr-dos'd, n.) the state of being regrettably sober.
"This is too much for me in my underdosed state...let's talk about this again when I'm more balanced."
uniqua (yoo-ni-qua, n.)- A catch-all term for nonstandard dumb ass rigged up names as well as actually being one.
"Oh, you named your daughter D'Areola Finesse? That's...uh...very uniqua."
untelligent (un-tell-ih-jint, n.)- lacking effective mental faculties.
"So you're telling me he got hit by a car because he wouldn't look up during his textwalk? Hard to feel sorry for him, that was just plain untelligent."
whorible (hoor-i-bull, adj.)- Sexually irresponsible to an appalling degree.
"She really tagged herself at 2 different guys' houses last night with all kinds of winky faces and innuendos? Her posting pics of stuff on her that looks better than her face and asking for dick on Facebook is one thing, but that's just straight up whoreible."
writeous (ry-chus, adj.)- Justified as writing material simply through its entertainment value.
"Now that I've done this for the year, I better have one hell of a writeous topic come Monday...nothing worse than a letdown worse than Monday itself after the weekend."
I hope you enjoyed this edition of "High Definitions" as much as I did. Shit, the only think I like more than posting these is using them...if you feel the same way, please feel free to proliferate any and all of these. Aight, that's it for my week...happy Friday, umf'ers!
As a result, I end up either repackaging existing words, breeding one dictionary entry with another, or occasionally making one from scratch during the course of my infotainment. (Oh, look!) It’s fun for me and most folk who checked out last year’s list and the one before that think it’s good times too, but it has the unfortunate drawback of making it so I’m always having to explain a things that come out of my mouth in one way or another.
For that reason, I started this “High Definitions” thing, so whenever somebody needed some clarification on something I said, I could just give them a url and be done with it. I’m not sure I even get a birthday this year, being all grown up at gunpoint (there’s one) and all, but just in case I don’t, I know I’ll get at least one present…well, unless you feel like getting yourself a copy of my book…I’ll count that.
(Worth a shot, right?)
Aight, without any further introbation (oh, that was last year) here it is: “HiDef3: EverClear”. All words and phrases original except where indicated and credited.
0-for-ever (oh-four-eh-vur, adj.)- Taken from sporting notation of averages, it describes someone who strikes out at everything they do, a lifetime loser.
“Man, why do you keep trying to talk to that bartender every time we come in here, she always shuts you down… you’re literally 0-for-ever with her!”
12:01 (twehlv-oh-one, v.)- Often done by those who have little or no other resources at the time, it is the act of deliberately staying up and waiting for one's paycheck to be deposited directly.
"Yeah, you can come over and chill, I don't have any food in here but we can 12:01 this situation and order a pizza or something later since we have off tomorrow."
aggro crag (ah-gro-cragg, adj.)- Named for the booby-trapped foam rubber mountain that 90's children would attempt to scale to prove they had Guts, it describes a volatile loss of emotional control that could possibly get somebody injured.
"I have to get out of this job before I go aggro crag on somebody in here and defenestrate them."
appleseed (ahp-uhl-seed, v.)- Describes the act of wandering around in the streets leaving items in random places for reasons of advertisement, competition, or in the case of the namesake, who is famous for walking across the continent planting fruit trees for a still-undetermined purpose, complete batshit insanity.
"I really don't feel like walking all the way to the store, but I can do some appleseeding while I'm out, so fuck it."
asshollectual (ahs-whole-lek-tew-uhl, n.)- A person holding a degree in the Smartass Arts. This person not only has an answer for damn near any question, but a question for damn near every answer, if necessary....and "stupid" will be applied to both if the person feels it applied to one. Advanced practitioners may be given the suffix Ph.D, or "philosopher degenerate".
"I'm not just any opinionated idiot with a few jokes...I'm a certified asshollectual."
awesometatious (aww-sum-tay-shus, adj.)- Describes something that is gaudily outstanding in its pure excellence.
"Yeah, writing a book and having it published was pretty cool, but actually getting a book deal would be awesometatious.
beeper mode (bee-pur mowde, n.)- The state of having one's space-age smartphone which does everything but the dishes reduced to a reciever for incoming calls due to delayed bill payment.
"I'm on beeper mode for the next day or so, don't expect any texts from me."
bubble maker (buh-bull may-kur, n.)- a water powered conduit for the rapid ingestion of combustible plant materials.
"Oh, you brought some with you? Well, let me grab the bubble maker and let's get this started."
click-in (clik-inn, n.)- In earlier times, the dissatisfaction of citizens took the form of sit-ins, marches, insurrection, and other forms of (kinda) civil disobedience. Today, social unrest takes place almost purely on social networks, where people click links and share pictures to show their rage against the machine. This viral activism is referred to as a "click-in".
"Hey, did you hear about the bad thing that happened? They're having a click-in about it on Twitter...we're going to send the people's will crashing through the walls of tyranny one tweet at a time!"
clothesliner (clowths-lyn-urr, n.)- The mean older brother of a one-liner, this variety of retort not only qualifies as humorous, but suddenly terminates an unwanted conversation as well as an running arm swung across the throat.
"I saw a guy approach some girl today...she told his words were nice but his breath smelled like an insult...now that's a clothesliner!"
creation partner (cree-ay-shun part-nurr)- A person who helps you make a child, whether you asked for any help or not.
"She doesn't like to be called "baby mama", so even though "creation partner" means the same thing, I'll use that instead."
cussoteric (cuhs-oh-tare-ik, v.)- Describes things which contain profanity mostly to ward off anyone who would be put off by such triviality during the discussion of much larger concepts.
"umf isn't vulgar, it's cussoteric...this is just how I talk, anyone who can't overlook 4-letter words for the better words, I don't want here anyway."
cut a promo (cuht uh proh-moh)- To deliver a short, intense speech, usually directed at a specific person, airing one's grievances in the view of the public.
"He had the nerve to shoulder bump me and then look back like I did something fucked up...so I cut a promo on his ass right there on the train stop."
depreciating ass (dee-pree-she-ay-thing as, n.)- The concept that financing sex purely for the sake of sex with those with no other merit is a bad business decision at best.
"Think about it...after you've spent all that money buying that kind of girl into your bed and it's all over and you're just laying there counting ceiling tiles...where is there to go for that investment but down? What did you really get out of it that you couldn't have gotten yourself for free? It's probably going to get more expensive and less valuable...that, my friend, is depreciating ass."
draft rating (draft ray-ting, n.)- The number that determines the suitability of a relationship partner. The number is composed from a 1-10 rating of 10 important chracteristics of a significant other to form a number from 1 to 100. For further details, see "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". (Yes, in addition to being pretty fuckin' handy with a camera phone, I'm also now an ad ninja too.)
"I had the biggest crush on this girl from my 5:00 class, then I scouted her a little...had a few conversations, asked a couple questions...she's cute, but a 63, tops."
drawful (draw-ful, n.)- not only dreadful, but awful as well. Residents of the Philadelphia metropolitan area may note the alternate root of "draw", which is also acceptable in context.
"Saw a chick on the train today in a dashiki and Uggs...shit was truly drawful."
electrocommunication (e-lek-tro-kuh-myoo-ni-kay-shun, n.)- text messages, picture mail, social networking messages, etc.
"I told that bitch to lose my number...if I ever get another electrocommunication from her, she won't like the result."
"grown up at gunpoint"- describes someone who faced the destruction of pretty much everything they stand for in life due to an unforeseen change, determined the only way out was to gain a couple years of maturity in a few months, and did so against their will. (This person is likely doing nothing of the sort ever again as long as he is breathing to type the tale.)
"Last year he was a mostly carefree post-teenager, now he doesn't seem as happy but a little more responsible...he must have grown up at gunpoint."
hiclarity (hih-clair-it-ee, n.)- understanding through humor.
"The funniest things in life aren't jokes, they're inexplicable bullshit that someone brought hiclarity to."
hydrophobic (hi-droh-pho-bik, adj.)- describes a person who appears to be afraid of bathing.
"Every time she walks by I smell the walking dead...she must be hydrophobic."
jiffy lube (jih-fee loob, n.)- an express tryst.
"I think our friends are coming over in like 20...that's enough time for a jiffy lube, a shower, and a costume change, right?"
mantality (man-tahl-ih-tee, n.)- the cerebral processes of a person with a Y chromosomes.
"She thinks football is just a game...clearly she doesn't understand my mantality."
monodramatic (ma-noh-dra-mat-ik, adj.)- the state of having exactly one overly saturated color in your emotional spectrum.
"All she ever talks about online is how lonely she is for attention...she's so damn monodramatic."
periodic (pir-ee-odd-ik, adj.)- related to a woman's bodily resetting processes.
"She's overall a pretty decent chick, but her moods go through periodic changes."
phallovore (fa-low-voor)- a person who appears to have a diet consisting solely of male reproductive organs.
"One of the people I work with is always smiling in my face, but I know for a fact he's the one ratting me out every time I go to the bathroom without a hall pass or some shit...he's a real phallovore."
romanctivities (row-manc-tiv-it-tees, n.)- those actions, events, and occurences which are the "more than" with friends.
"We always been cool, but one we started with the romanctivities we decided to see how we worked as a couple."
rocket fuel (rok-it fyool, n.)- a strong alcoholic beverage.
"This has been a long ass week...skip the beers, I need some rocket fuel."
shame (shayme, n. *Rilla*)- A pack of lions is called a pride. This is the name for a group of losers.
"I tried to avoid even seeing him, but some guy from high school shouted me way out in public...I didn't like him or the shame he ran in back then, what makes him think anything has changed?"
slutriotism (slut-ree-uh-tiz-m, n.)- a woman's pride in her promiscuity.
"When AJ wrote that slut walk post, he stepped on the slutriotism of upstanding skanks nationwide...I'm sure he's sorry about that."
spider screen (spy-durr skreen, n.)- A severely damaged touchscreen phone display.
"Everytime I see somebody with spider screen, I want to slap them, hug them, give them a phone case, and tell them they can do better."
stupidvisor (stoo-pid-vy-zur, n.)- a small person with an even smaller position of power.
"My stupidvisor says I have to check with him before I leave the room I work in for any reason...he must be higher than I am."
trolling (trow-ling, n.)- a long-standing internet concept, it describes fucking with people for the pure sport of fucking with them.
"As soon as I can, I'm going to be trolling my son's life at every available opportunity...holding things out of his reach, playing word tricks, randomly smacking him, using submission holds...it's how I show everyone else I love them, right?"
"to the mat"- indicates a willingness to struggle violently over a concept.
"She said she wanted a green bathroom...I'm not the biggest fan, but I let her have it. Those purple flower bedsheets she's talking can't happen, though...I'm willing to go to the mat on that one."
underdosed (un-durr-dos'd, n.) the state of being regrettably sober.
"This is too much for me in my underdosed state...let's talk about this again when I'm more balanced."
uniqua (yoo-ni-qua, n.)- A catch-all term for nonstandard dumb ass rigged up names as well as actually being one.
"Oh, you named your daughter D'Areola Finesse? That's...uh...very uniqua."
untelligent (un-tell-ih-jint, n.)- lacking effective mental faculties.
"So you're telling me he got hit by a car because he wouldn't look up during his textwalk? Hard to feel sorry for him, that was just plain untelligent."
whorible (hoor-i-bull, adj.)- Sexually irresponsible to an appalling degree.
"She really tagged herself at 2 different guys' houses last night with all kinds of winky faces and innuendos? Her posting pics of stuff on her that looks better than her face and asking for dick on Facebook is one thing, but that's just straight up whoreible."
writeous (ry-chus, adj.)- Justified as writing material simply through its entertainment value.
"Now that I've done this for the year, I better have one hell of a writeous topic come Monday...nothing worse than a letdown worse than Monday itself after the weekend."
I hope you enjoyed this edition of "High Definitions" as much as I did. Shit, the only think I like more than posting these is using them...if you feel the same way, please feel free to proliferate any and all of these. Aight, that's it for my week...happy Friday, umf'ers!
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