Scrubs, Lies, and Inoculate: A Horror Story in a Baby's Own Words

So the other day was my kid's (affectionately known as "baby DX", for his initials, among other charming nicknames like "little guy", "X-man" and "shut up, you little noisebox, I just woke up at 4AM to feed and change you and I've been holding you for an hour, what the fuck could you possibly want?") first checkup and I was there with him and his mommy. He was kind of quiet throughout most of it, mostly because he probably thought we were just going to pick up more cans of yum-yum powder for him to greedily suck down, digest, and blow out the back of himself in 15 minutes.

However, this was not just any visit to the doctors...this was a somewhat disturbing experience that both of us will remember for a long time. I recall similar harrowing scenarios in my youth, and some still haunt me to this very day. After it was all over, I felt it was my job to speak with him about what had occurred, in hopes that I could help him process it and begin the healing process. (Yes, "speak with". My infantese is a bit rusty, but I watched a lot of Rugrats on Netflix recently to brush up, so the translation is servicable, if crude.)

As it turned out, the conversation was pretty interesting...he recounted to me a firsthand account of the events of that morning, which I found so interesting that I asked permission to share the story. Not only did he agree, he insisted. What kind of father would I be if I didn't share it with you, in order to raise awareness about this experience that likely is more commonplace than you suspect? To that end, here it is...a firsthand account of that fateful morning:

"I woke up when the big sky light shone and my middle felt weird. Empty. It made me uncomfortable. I didn't like it. I remembered that the yum-yum tube always makes me feel better when I feel that way, and the first lady I ever saw (I really like her, she's pretty and always nice to me and does whatever I want) always brings me the yum-yum tube when I yell, so I yelled real loud. I yelled and yelled and yelled. After too long for my taste, I saw her big yellow head, then her arms, and she picked me up.

She held me while she made a yum-yum tube, then it was all mine! I drank it all, then refused to burp because when I don't, I can do my thank-you smile. (That's when I take some of the yum-yum juice I drank and give it back out of my mouth and all over whoever gave it to me, to show how much I like them and appreciate it.) Then, the first lady wrapped my body with new warmcolors, put me in the strap chair, and took me out to one of those moving boxes that I like to sleep in.

Before we started moving, I heard the pullface man I like come in. (I call him that because of the stuff on his face. Nobody else I see a lot has that, and I like to pull it real hard to show I like him...plus sometimes when I do it, he yells words I don't hear much. I like new things.) When I hear his voice when I haven't in a while, I always look at him. I don't like him as much as the first lady because he does things like pretending to feed me just to see me turn my head and look for a bottle then moving it to the other side and laughing, but he's nice to me except when his eyes were closed before and he plays with me. I opened one eye to make sure it was him, then the box started moving, which always makes me sleepy.

Next thing I know, I was laying on my back in a new room. I never saw this room before. It had a bright light and all the walls were a color that made me feel sad. My bottom was wet and felt wrong. It was uncomfortable and I didn't like it. but the pullface man was taking my warmcolors off before I even had to yell. He looked sad too, and I wondered what was wrong with him. He kept saying "poor kid" and shaking his head. I like his head. There is something colorful on top of it all the time, and I like to try to get it, but he never lets me. Says I can have one when I'm ready, whatever that means.

After that, the first lady came back in and he gave me to her and started to play with his shiny noisy hand toy. He likes it a lot because he's always playing with it. I like it too because it's interesting, but he keeps it away from me. I think it's just for big people, and since he's really big I guess he gets to use it all the time...or something. I didn't care because the first lady's front is more comfortable than his anyway. I think the pullface man knows it too, he never lays on his own front and always on hers.

Just when I was calm and happy, another man came in. He touched me a whole lot and made really weird faces and noises that made his mouth spray and that the two people I see the most never make at me because they say they want me to speak English. I didn't know how I felt about that or him, but he seemed to be happy enough about it. After he left, two other ladies came in. They wore things that covered their face and hands, but so does the pullface man when he makes my bottom dry, and he's fine. They seemed very nice, and made me happy to see. They played with my grabbers and kickers and rubbed my middle...everybody seemed very happy to see me, and I liked the attention.

Through all this, I couldn't help but notice the pullface man over in the corner. He didn't look as happy as everyone else. Why was he sad? There were nice people, this was a new and exciting place, there were shiny things to look at, everyone was happy! Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed one of the ladies go far away and get something shiny, but I didn't really pay it any attention because the other 2 ladies were still being so nice. The pullface man kept looking at her though...I don't think he liked any of this very much.

When the lady came back with the shiny thing, she held it in the air and played with it some. I had never seen one before, but the way it looked made me nervous. It made me uncomfortable. I didn't like it. The other lady asked the pullface man to come over and put his arms over me, kind of like a hug but more like a strappy chair that holds me still. He usually hugs me a lot, but he didn't want to do this hug for some reason. He said something about not wanting to trap me while this happens. I didn't know what a trap was, but I wondered why he wouldn't do it...I soon found out.

They called mommy to trap me instead. It didn't seem so bad. She was warm and soft like always, and one lady kept sweet-talking me while the other played with her weird toy. I still didn't like it, but I thought everything was fine as long as she stayed over there with it. That's when everything stopped being fine. The lady with the strange toy got a scary look in her eye. She raised her toy high in the air, and slowly stalked over to me like something I'm not old or worldly enough to draw a parallel to. The pullface man just shook his head. Something was wrong! This wasn't like a normal group of ladies just here to say nice words and pet me, they were doing something...else!

She came even closer to me, and I lay there struggling to slither half a block away like I do when the pullface man is trying to lay down with me on his chest, but I couldn't move! The first lady I ever saw, the one who was always nice to me and gave me yum-yum tubes and always made me feel better, was now trying to stop me from moving away from something I didn't like! So THIS was what a trap was! The pullface man had warned me, but I thought I could trust the first lady! How could she do this...whatever it was?!

Then, with an evil laugh, the lady with the toy gave it one last raise behind her head, and stuck it in me with all her strength! I yelled like I never yelled before! I yelled loud and angry! The first lady said she would never hurt me, then she goes and traps me while they stick that thing in my body and made it hurt! Everything I knew was a lie...that's over 3 things! All the ladies tried to console me, and the first lady tried to pick me up, but the pullface man snatched me away. He said he was the only one who had nothing to do with this, and I fully agreed. I didn't like any of them any more. I kept yelling to make sure everyone knew I was uncomfortable and I didn't like it. I yelled at the injustice, the betrayal, the pure deception! I yelled with every ounce of energy I had...then I tired myself out and went to sleep.

When I woke up, we were back in the room I'm used to and the first lady was holding me again. The pullface man was right there too. I didn't like her as much for some reason, but I couldn't remember why. I barely remember what I was just talking about. It felt like it happened minutes ago...a distant memory from a long-forgotten time. My middle felt empty again, but she was making me a yum-yum tube before I even had to yell. I figured whyever I was upset with her didn't matter as much as my middle feeling weird, so I forgave her and accepted my yum-yum tube. As I drank, I heard the pullface man say "he might forget, but I won't". I wondered what he meant by that...but I figured my middle was more important. I did feel like I should be grateful to him for some reason, so later when he gave me a yum-yum tube, I gave him a big thank-you smile...just to show how much I like him."

Truly, it is a tale that will stick with me for a very long time. It resonates with me in a very real way...hell, I just got over my fear of needles in time to get a tattoo. Here's hoping the kid ain't scarred for life (he shouldn't be, since they used Neosporin directly afterward). It could (and likely did) happen to you! Tell your chldren.