Picking up where we left off last Wednesday, here's another free look at my currently available anthology of apt and appilcable asshollectualism, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today we start at the beginning as we check out chapter 1 of part I, "For Your Job". Enjoy, and please don't be afraid to share...it's free, after all.
Part I- For Your Job, Chapter 1: (f.u.c.k.)- Training
Let's start this journey of infotainment off with something nobody wants to discuss...their job. (Why? Just check out the title. You can't possibly get more fucked than this.)
So, you've decided to sell your time to a company. Looking forward to getting paid, right? Not just yet, my fellow serf…there is some time that you must likely give the company without any compensation, or even useful function, in most cases...your training.
You see, training is something that many jobs from assistant shirt folder at Old Navy right on up to head engineer at Boeing require at some point during one's employ there. Even though in cases such as the former--the vast majority--training isn’t really required for anyone who has not been declared mentally deficient in some way, some number crunching dickheads in a business think tank somewhere continue to tout the perceived effectiveness of training on employee efficiency, and the corporations are listening.
My insane idea that a company could achieve a similarly positive result in their workforce by only hiring people that can sort files/flip burgers/polish knobs straight off the street notwithstanding, if you are hired for a job, the odds are you will have to experience training of some sort. This is as inevitable as a large star’s eventual collapse into a black hole, and sucks just as much.
However, there are certain steps that one can take that will decrease the suckage by as much as 43%. They are the 10 Commandments of Training, and they will appear below:
1) Thou shalt not show up late: It reflects poorly on your employee performance...and more importantly, all the good muffins, bagels and danishes will be taken by other, earlier trainees. Do you want to be the person who walks in right as the last cinnamon-frosted apple filled crumb donut is snatched up? It’s one thing to have to listen to the bullshit you’re about to hear, quite another to do so with stale coffee and the one twisty donut nobody ever wants. Just get there on time and the rest is up to you.
2) Thou shalt attend the entirety of the training: If you skip just one day of a training program for any reason, they will likely make you do the whole thing over again, like the one missed day somehow cancels out the other 4.
If there's anything worse than being left back as a child, it's being left back as an adult. Since many low-level management types WERE left back as kids, they would love nothing better than to give you the same experience. Do yourself a favor, if you attend one day, go to them all...and of course, if you skip the first day, skip the rest of that cycle as well.
3) Thou shalt pay close attention: …if you're going to work anywhere with dangerous things like molten steel, poisonous chemicals, corrosive materials, or angry parents. The rest of you have the benefit of optional mental attendance. Seriously, how in-depth an examination of foodservice inventory procedures do you need? If you can’t count ketchup packets, they never should have hired your dumb ass.
Oh, wait...gotta stop you right there. Can't show it all for free...then what would I sell for $10 plus shipping, ebook also available for $5? (Damn that ad mode is hard to turn off.) Hope you enjoyed today's excerpt...and of course, if you want to see the rest, you could always buy your own f.u.c.k'n copy, right?