Postpartum Deposition ("What to Expect" postview)

No, of course that's not actually me and that one chick I got pregnant, don't be ridiculous.

*fittedwearer's note: Happy Memorial Day to all our country's bravest...they walk around in the desert halfway across the world wearing 50lb of armor which is essential to stopping all the bullets that fly at them daily so I don't have to. Thanks, for real.

As you may know, I've been working on this book called "What to Expect When You're Expecting (the Worst)" for the last couple of months...and now I'm done...well, as done as any writer, I'll probably be editing it when you buy it. It's about unplanned pregnancies and what happens when people stop being polite and realze that shit just got real.

The intro has been up for your review for a while now, but I figured since umf'ers are special to me, I might as well let y'all see how it turned out...so I'm gonna leak the very last chapter too. Of course, like in movies, snack cakes, and what causes pregnancy in the first place, the middle is where all the best stuff is...but none of that is free either, so there you go. Aight, without any further introbation here it is: the finale of "What to Expect", "Postpartum Deposition".





*note: No babies were harmed in the making of this book.

Hey reader…thought it was important here at the end for me to take off the Dr. Philthy hat I’ve been writing this book with and speak to you as AJ, regularish guy.

I said a lot of uncomfortable things in these pages, and I meant every last one of them at one time or another. If I’m a horrible person for admitting it, then so be it. However, this book was not just a recollection of personal experience. (Why would I write a memoir of a time I’d like to forget?)

The truth is, many people can relate…maybe even someone you (apparently don’t) know (so well). For proof that having a hard time adjusting to a new job one did not intentionally apply for is pretty common, Google either “I don’t want to be a…”, “I don’t like being a…”, or “I hate being a…” and see what they suggest as the most popularly searched endings of those sentences. Whether this surprises you or not, they’re things like “dad”, “mom” and “parent”. As a career asshollectual, I’m just the guy tactless enough to say it out loud.

See, I’ve always believed the truth trumps the convenience of self-deception. It’s like tattoos, once you realize it doesn’t hurt that bad, you can become addicted to it. The worst part is, whenever people even anonymously make candid statements anywhere close to those put forth in this book on some message board/forum/answers site/real life (bless you), they’re told what horrible, undeserving people they are to have such a blessing bestowed upon them and not appreciate it, etc.

It all sounds nice, but it’s not so easy to just “get over” it. People who were in my position never get to see that what they’re feeling is a natural response to unwanted change and confront these feelings so they can possibly work through them and maybe, just maybe, make their peace with the new piece to the puzzle.

Instead, they’re bashed all to shit and told they’re worthless when they cared enough to at least try. It’s like going up to a kid who just fell learning to ride a bike, performing an elbow drop on him, and trying to steal the bike. It’s just not helpful in any way. Shit, it might cause a child to never learn to ride one and hate all dual-wheeled conveyances for the rest of their life. That does not make the world a better place, no matter the “noble intent” behind it.

I figured if I put the experience out there the way it was where people can see it, they won’t feel so bad about feeling some if not all of the same way. Esteemed philosopher Tony Montana once said that people like me were needed so others can point their fucking fingers and go “that’s the bad guy”. I dig that. I’m more chaotic neutral than full-on bad, but if laughing at my pain can help ease somebody else’s (and make me a couple dollars along the way), it’s worth it to me. If I can talk one family together by talking somebody down off an emotional ledge, then I’ll talk all the shit required.

All that said, as of a few months after my son (still sounds weird) was born, I find parenting bearable. Of course, the diaper changes, holding a bottle not containing liquor for hours on end, and the ungodly random screaming honestly suck. Anybody who tells you different is delusional or trolling.

He’s very cute when he’s happy though…it balances out how much he can get on my nerves (takes after his mommy on both counts). He has good coordination, a silly disposition, and he generally seems like he’s going to be a lot of fun in a month or two when he does something besides need to be cleaned. He grew on me a lot…I might even love him (haven’t decided for sure yet). I know I like him a lot most of the time. Either way, it could be worse…I could have gotten a girl.

To wrap things up—or not do so, I suppose--an unplanned pregnancy is a stressful event from both sides of the equation. I can honestly say I appreciate the woman I went through it with more than my vocabulary can convey for being likable enough not to chuck a grenade at throughout the process. Nevertheless, I can’t say it’s ever going to happen again. I’m not gonna be that guy who gets a kid for every birthday…and really, that’s what this book is all about, learning from your mistakes. (People say they learn a lot from their children, right?)

In all seriousness, it’s not as bad as you might think. Being a parent is even enjoyable in spurts. It’s just something you want to ideally avoid if you know you’re not ready. Unfortunately, back in real life, almost half of women will have an unintended pregnancy in their lifetime. That means someone’s knocking them up, and lot of guys will also ride this emotional rollercoaster.

Fittingly though, like any ride it’s a little less scary when you know what to expect…especially if you’re expecting the worst. Thanks for reading (and at least not putting anything dangerous in the hate mail…I have a child!) and good luck...you’ll damn sure need it.

Thanks for checking out a little of my latest abrasive but apt anthology of asshollectualism...by doing so, you've done your part to raise awareness for a very good cause: my career. "What to Expect When You're Expecting (the Worst)" due soon...but until then, you could always read my other book, right? Later umf'ers!

For more "Expecting (the Worst)", including a table of contents, 4 more free chapters, and more--hell, I think this chapter is even a little different--check out the "Expecting (the Worst)" page here on umf!