9.12.2012

Happy Birthday!: a letter to my first mate


Her head is huge tho, isn't it?
 Dear first mate Shannon,

When I say we've been through a lot over the past year or so, it's pure exposition for the audience...I'm sure you were there when all these things happened. Yet, here we are on the other side, more together than ever (since we updated our relationship status on Facebook). I'm going through a bit of a rough patch in my life, and nothing (legal) even comes close to smoothing it out as much as you.

I know I don't mention you much around here, but you're a very important part of my life besides being the chick I happened to knock up. You were one of my earliest umf readers, my biggest fan ever since I figured out what I want to do with my life, one of my closest friends, and a case study for the better part of an entire section of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life" (as well as the de facto co-star of "Expecting [the Worst]"). Also, the baby we accidentally made is very cute, which I admit sped up my acceptance of the whole scenario.

It takes a very special woman to deal with the guy under this fitted at close range over a long period of time...you know better than anybody that if online AJ and offline AJ were a Venn diagram, there would only be one circle. (Non-Shannon folk, read through my archives and see which posts you would have liked your siggie to write...it's not all of 'em, I assure you.) As a result, you have been exposed to the full spectrum of my personality, and yet here you are anyway. You've even seen me in a Green Lantern costume, but I'll just call that a bonus for you.



I speak of you so highly because you exemplify qualities so rare in the world of twentytwelve. You're a great mommy, caring, ladylike, smart enough to hold a conversation with, can cook, and as I have told you many times, you have an uncommonly sweet rack...if I were to apply my "FfYL" partner drafting system to you, you'd be about an 87. That's a lot when the national average appears to hover around 50. My mommy even likes you...as she is a demigoddess in my world, you are truly a blessed woman.

I'm not going to pour too much syrup on this thing, I have a reputation to uphold, but I just wanted you to know how special you are to me today (and since this will be online forever, you better not make a liar out of me). Not just anything makes it under my fitted, but you've taken up semi-permanent residence...at this point I guess it's all on you how long you stay there. Hell, I've almost missed Cowboys games for you...you have to know you're special.

I can't be the easiest guy to deal with--hell, this is me being sweet--but you see the advantages to doing so...I guess this is a small thank you for continuing to look really hard for them. (Besides, what other guy would immortalize you on the cover of a book?) Happy birthday, yellow girl.

Love,

AJ

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