Other people...well, damn near everybody, actually...take an instant liking to him too, perhaps due to the powerful unconscious hypnotic abilities of infants that seem to affect most people. They like him so much they often offer to give me things for his use, like clothes and toys, and even things I did not know existed in this dimension like a steam-powered baby wipe warmer. (In my day, we had to walk 15 miles to get our diapers changed with wipes that were damn near frozen...and we were grateful for the opportunity! At least, that's the story I'm kicking when he can understand English.)
While I certainly appreciate the sentiment behind the vast majority of these gifts, I feel it is important to set a precedent about which gifts are less preferable than others, in order to avoid that awkward moment when you get the item back as a gift or through your front window taped to a cinder block. If people can make lists of gifts they do want for showers and weddings and other boring events, I feel like I can make a list of shit I want about as close to my home and infant child as nuclear waste. It is the thought that counts of course...and if we have one of those moments, you should have thought about reading this post, sucka. All right, here we go:
Certain Kids' Programming DVDs: I've been doing some scouting on appropriate television for a baby to watch. Of course, he can barely see the distance to the TV and doesn't understand what the hell is going on even if he could, so for now he watches what I watch, but I realize watching "American Dad" with him ironically ain't gonna fly too long. As a result, I've checked out a few shows intended for smalller children, and come to the conclusion that there are even a few things in there I don't want him to see at that age.
For example, Caillou's whiny little punk ass is not allowed on any screens in here. His show is like a 3-color illustrated how-to guide on tantrums and why they work most of the time. Also unwelcome are the Backyardigans...the penguin and the moose are cool, but there's something else in there called a Uniqua. It is apparently both the name of the specific character and the species it belongs to. I have no idea what it is, all I know is that I want its head mounted above my fireplace one day.
Its no creature of this planet, and I'm not sure what rubs me the wrong way about it...maybe it's the fact that it has the same name and species, like naming a dog "Dog"...always hated that...could be the fact that it's a suspiciously African-American sounding (voice-wise) made up creature with a hoodrat name. Who knows...who cares. All I know is I don't like it. Also banned is "Yo Gabba Gabba"...that orange guy is weird and that one tall red bumpy thing with one eye looks inappropriate as fuck. I don't want my child playing with anything that resembles a dildo.
Baby NFL apparel bearing a logo other than that pictured on the baby- Seriously, y'all...it was cute joking around about making him a fan of this and that other team back when he was just a concept, ha-ha and shit, I get it, but he's here now. Don't threaten him like that. Worst part is it seems to come from fans of completely unacceptable squads like the Redskins and Eagles. Just because you want to be masochists, don't pull my kid into it.
I mean, it wouldn't be that all teams would be a problem, I can't see myself burning a Chargers onesie or anything, but the approved list is so short, it's best to go with blanket coverage. Do I kick down the door of your kid's Sunday school reciting from the book of Scientology or anything? No...so back off, dammit. When he's old enough to pick, then he can. Until then, it's my department. I'm serious...I mean, he'll wear it because it's clothing, but that's a hell of an expensive diaper.
Junk Mail- Most people wouldn't consider this a gift at all...shit, I don't...but maybe in some cultures, it is. Not mine, though. So, Gerber, State Farm, Kids R' Us and all you other life spammers, I don't know how the fuck you got my address or who still sends hard copies of junk mail in twentytwelve, but stop pretending you care I have a kid and sending me a bunch of paper. It's not legal tender, and I don't have a parrot, so I don't fucking need it. When I need you, I'll call you...until then, please forward all mail addressed to me directly up your corporate asses.
Toys with a volume level over 50db- If you don't know how to measure decibels or don't have the proper equipment to measure sound lying around, simply put it next to your head and press it 30 times. If you make it through the test, it passes (and kills the juice just a little). Of course, if you don't have time for that, I can understand. Go ahead, get him that colorful supersonic noisemaker...he'll still get to play with it, AND I'll have extra remote control batteries! With a bit of super glue for the toy's battery chamber, everyone wins!
A sibling in the next 5 years- All I ever heard for the past 6 months or so was how much of a gift a baby is...I'm taking this opportunity to let everyone know my cup runneth the fuck over with blessings. That's enough for now...no mas baby mamas. I know after a while people start asking when the next one's coming...do you a favor and don't. I barely made it through this first adventure, why in your deity's name would you wish it on me again?
I feel it's fair that I let you know that wishing another unscripted baby cameo on me right now is a direct threat in my eyes...so the first person who asks that me that, follow it up with a silent prayer, because I'm going hyper-combo on your ass. I'm going to leap up on you and wail on you with all 5 limbs. Headbutts like you've never even seen. I will fuck. You. Up. Sure, I might be joking...but what if I'm not? That's about the damndest way to forfeit some teeth I've ever heard...so just don't.
Hopefully, any parties interested in giving a gift to little DX will take note of this gift unregistry and plan (or unplan) their contributions accordingly. You might say it's a little rude to exclude certain gifts from eligibility...well, it's not nearly as rude as burning it on YouTube, so save your money if you were going to go with one of the above items. Thanks for your time!
*saves mic as family heirloom*