It's Wednesday and that means it's time to take another pro bono peep at my guide to day-to-day life for the genre-savvy. "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's selection goes back to Part I, "For Your Job" and is (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.) regarding safeguarding your snacks on the job.
I'm sure we've all had something tasty stolen from us on the clock (and if not, you're probably one of the thieves) and that moment when you open your desk/the department fridge to not find your food that you've probably been thinking about all day is one of the most unpleasant one can experience at work...and that's saying something, considering work is mostly an unpleasant place. Here's how to never feel like you did those days...enjoy:
Chapter 4: (f.u.c.k.)- Getting Your Lunch Taken
If you've been reading the past few chapters, you now know how to report to work most days without that somewhat burdensome urge to kill yourself, what to expect during your job training, and been introduced to the wonderful people you'll now be working around. Now, it's time for lunch. This may seem like a simple process, but can be complicated by factors currently beyond your control...like some of your thieving ass co-workers.
Now mind you, odds are that not everybody at your job is a food-pilfering sneak thief dickhead, but believe me when I say that there is at least one in almost every workplace. An acceptable explanation for a gainfully employed person stealing the food of a person he works with when he obviously has a job, and therefore money to buy his own damn lunch, has never been uncovered...but it still happens. What can one do about this? How can one safeguard his vital midday sustenance from the insatiable hands of a lunch bandit?
The answer has eluded some of the greatest minds of our time. In fact, the reason the Soviets reached space first was not because of the United States’ inferior engineering or technology, but because of a bright young American rocket scientist having his lunch stolen by an anonymous, unscrupulous colleague.
The resulting scientific investigation into the identity of the thief (fruitless and almost pointless, as crime scene investigation technology at the time mostly involved hoping to catch someone in the act) not only sidetracked the entire space program after other scientists experienced the same thing and demanded a more through inquiry, but set the artificial satellite mission back almost a year AND caused the defection of key persons involved with the program due to the hunger and turmoil that ensued. Serious business, y'all.
Okay, that last part was total bullshit...but still, having your lunch taken sucks. I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter that the disappearance of one's food from a communal refrigerator was a circumstance beyond your control...well, that was then. Now, I'm going to tell you how to do just that. There are 4 basic ways to go about this, and I will outline them below:
Option A- the Exotic Blitz
What you will need: an adventurous palate, a cast-iron stomach
The fact is that certain foods are more likely to be stolen than others. Pizza is a common target. I once even heard of someone taking a slice out of the box that was not theirs, biting a slice, and then putting it back. (Unfortunately, federal law still lacks a shoot-on-sight provision for such situations.)
Sandwiches without condiments are another oft-stolen item. Chicken nuggets, strips, tenders, fingers, and the rest of the breaded poultry-based finger food family are easily portable and concealable, and thus a high security risk. Point being, a lot of your more popular foods are very susceptible to the sticky fingers of those you work with.
Therefore, one possible solution is to adopt a constant pattern of uncommon eating habits. Every day, come in with a new, nonstandard foodstuff which is less likely to be stolen. A sandwich with condiments like Miracle Whip added will decrease its universal appeal, and thus it's likelihood of being taken. A pig's head with an apple in its mouth is a very visible, if highly creepy choice. If you really want to make sure nobody wants any of that shit you're eating, you can go vegan.
A drawback of a plan like this is that you'll be stuck eating a lot of sardine, coleslaw and jelly sandwiches, but if you're willing to go through with it, I can almost guarantee its effectiveness. For those with less culinary bravery, fear not, there are plans for you too.
...but you'll have to read about those when you buy the whole book (e-books and book-books available). That's about it for today, but I damn sure hope you enjoyed this published sample of my awareness...if you did, there are plenty of others here...and of course, way more if you actually buy the damn thing. Aight, until next time, f.u.c.k.ers!