"FfYL" Quickies- Part I, Chapter 4: (f.u.c.k.)- Getting Your Lunch Taken

It's Wednesday and that means it's time to take another pro bono peep at my guide to day-to-day life for the genre-savvy. "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's selection goes back to Part I, "For Your Job" and is (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.) regarding safeguarding your snacks on the job.

I'm sure we've all had something tasty stolen from us on the clock (and if not, you're probably one of the thieves) and that moment when you open your desk/the department fridge to not find your food that you've probably been thinking about all day is one of the most unpleasant one can experience at work...and that's saying something, considering work is mostly an unpleasant place. Here's how to never feel like you did those days...enjoy:

Chapter 4: (f.u.c.k.)- Getting Your Lunch Taken

If you've been reading the past few chapters, you now know how to report to work most days without that somewhat burdensome urge to kill yourself, what to expect during your job training, and been introduced to the wonderful people you'll now be working around. Now, it's time for lunch. This may seem like a simple process, but can be complicated by factors currently beyond your control...like some of your thieving ass co-workers.

Now mind you, odds are that not everybody at your job is a food-pilfering sneak thief dickhead, but believe me when I say that there is at least one in almost every workplace. An acceptable explanation for a gainfully employed person stealing the food of a person he works with when he obviously has a job, and therefore money to buy his own damn lunch, has never been uncovered...but it still happens. What can one do about this? How can one safeguard his vital midday sustenance from the insatiable hands of a lunch bandit?

The answer has eluded some of the greatest minds of our time. In fact, the reason the Soviets reached space first was not because of the United States’ inferior engineering or technology, but because of a bright young American rocket scientist having his lunch stolen by an anonymous, unscrupulous colleague.

The resulting scientific investigation into the identity of the thief (fruitless and almost pointless, as crime scene investigation technology at the time mostly involved hoping to catch someone in the act) not only sidetracked the entire space program after other scientists experienced the same thing and demanded a more through inquiry, but set the artificial satellite mission back almost a year AND caused the defection of key persons involved with the program due to the hunger and turmoil that ensued. Serious business, y'all.

Okay, that last part was total bullshit...but still, having your lunch taken sucks. I mentioned at the beginning of the chapter that the disappearance of one's food from a communal refrigerator was a circumstance beyond your control...well, that was then. Now, I'm going to tell you how to do just that. There are 4 basic ways to go about this, and I will outline them below:

Option A- the Exotic Blitz

What you will need: an adventurous palate, a cast-iron stomach

The fact is that certain foods are more likely to be stolen than others. Pizza is a common target. I once even heard of someone taking a slice out of the box that was not theirs, biting a slice, and then putting it back. (Unfortunately, federal law still lacks a shoot-on-sight provision for such situations.)

Sandwiches without condiments are another oft-stolen item. Chicken nuggets, strips, tenders, fingers, and the rest of the breaded poultry-based finger food family are easily portable and concealable, and thus a high security risk. Point being, a lot of your more popular foods are very susceptible to the sticky fingers of those you work with.

Therefore, one possible solution is to adopt a constant pattern of uncommon eating habits. Every day, come in with a new, nonstandard foodstuff which is less likely to be stolen. A sandwich with condiments like Miracle Whip added will decrease its universal appeal, and thus it's likelihood of being taken. A pig's head with an apple in its mouth is a very visible, if highly creepy choice. If you really want to make sure nobody wants any of that shit you're eating, you can go vegan.

A drawback of a plan like this is that you'll be stuck eating a lot of sardine, coleslaw and jelly sandwiches, but if you're willing to go through with it, I can almost guarantee its effectiveness. For those with less culinary bravery, fear not, there are plans for you too.

...but you'll have to read about those when you buy the whole book (e-books and book-books available). That's about it for today, but I damn sure hope you enjoyed this published sample of my awareness...if you did, there are plenty of others here...and of course, way more if you actually buy the damn thing. Aight, until next time, f.u.c.k.ers!


Lend Me Your Ears

(umf...): Kickin' Ass, Takin'...Calls?
What can I do that I've never done before?

The question ran through my head incessantly like that song from those commercials claiming to buy any car. What can I do that I've never done before?

See, in this limbo stage between "guy whose Facebook statuses were too long so he made a place to put whatever is on his mind" and "eminent professional writer of whatever", I've done a lot to try and get my name out there. I assume you're familiar with umf (and if not, welcome to where you are). I made a few YouTube videos. I wrote a book/ebook which is available at a link near you. I made not one, but two Facebook fanpages (and am thinking about a third). God help me, I joined Twitter.

While these were all baby steps toward my eventual goal of making lots of money pretty much for being myself in text form, none have had quite the impact I wanted as of yet. Clearly, I needed to add something to my repertoire...but what? What could I do that I have never done before? Pretty much all the tools of the future have been put to use in the advancement of my career...what's my next move? That's when it hit me like a blast from the distant past...I could get a radio show! (Well, an internet radio show...but still.)

I did a little research and apparently any asshole can get an internet radio show...why not an asshollectual? That's all the motivation I needed to call an audible broadcast. It doesn't have a name yet (might leave that up to umf'ers). I haven't really figured out a time slot. Shit, if you really want the truth, I don't have most of the equipment I'm going to need to set up my own little guerilla radio station yet (though I'm always accepting donations).

What I do have is things to talk about...lots and lots of everythings...and people to talk about them with. Hopefully one of those people will be you (and a few thousand of your best friends). I always wanted to see just what kind of person reads this shit, and I've been told before that I have a perfect look for the radio...guess we'll all find out together. Stay tuned, umf'ers, the show starts very soon...but until then, listen up!


"FfYL" Quickies: Part III, Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers’ Edge

What's going on umf'ers? Been kinda busy this week, but I didn't forget this week's look at my first book "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". The content is pretty much exactly what it says on the label if you look closely enough, but I'm such a nice guy that I'm giving out peeks inside (almost) every week.

Today's free sample is from part III, "For Your Social Networking", and is called (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.)- The Stalkers' Edge. It's one of the more controversial things I've ever written (yeah, I know, right?!) and that's because it pretty much is a step-by-step guide to stalking someone effectively using modern techniques...with the help of your target! No, but seriously. That's what it is.

In fact, the only reason I probably haven't been arrested as an accesory to some harassment case somewhere is that it also works as a 101 in not making a new close personal friend that you have no idea about. It all depends on what you want out of it...I try to have something for everybody. Anyway, here it is...(part of) Chapter 5, section III, (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers' Edge.

Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- The Stalkers’ Edge

The social media tools that are available to regular tools everywhere have opened the door to possibilities few could imagine only a generation ago. We reap the benefits of being more connected more often than at any other point in human history every day.

More connections mean more shared information, and more shared information leads to the ability for more people to accurately process the information, find trends and tendencies in it, and figure out how to use it in future applications. This data, once shared, is at their disposal for whatever purpose imaginable. True, that sounds a lot like an IBM commercial, but it is also a very good description of a stalker’s fantasy.

You see, social networking can be a stalker's wet, sticky dream. 20 years ago, most stalkers and other varieties of creepfreak had to act like a normal people in person for long enough to gain enough of someone's confidence for them to reveal personal details of their life, such as where they lived, where they went to school, did for fun, what they wore to bed, and what they were wearing under that.

Now, a stalker can gleefully flit from friendsite to friendsite, collecting information about all his favorite future targets at his leisure (If I didn't know better--and I don't--I would think the whole thing was set up by the secret Stalkers' Guild so that they would become privy to information that would otherwise be on a need-to-know basis.) ...and you can too!

I originally debated putting this chapter in here, because I don't personally endorse stalking, tailing, bird-dogging, hawking, tracking, shadowing...hell, I even find following somewhat distasteful (which is why by the time you read this, my Twitter account will likely be deleted).

However, I realize that it takes all kinds to sell a book, and if the sick fucks in the room want their debit’s worth as well, it's my duty to give it to them. In that spirit, I present a guide to stalking someone online...and it's easier than you think! Just follow a few simple steps, and you'll be following people when your computer's not even on before you know it. Of course, if you want to double-reverse engineer this into a guide to not being stalked, be my guest.

-Follow them on Twitter. Most members of social networks enjoy documenting the experience of being them, but Twits are known more than most for this. The commemoration of every step with a tweet is a timeline-honored tradition that extends back hundreds of weeks.
Accordingly, you can learn a whole bunch about people's day to day activities and thoughts by doing this. The best part is that one directional following works just fine, therefore making it possible to form a pretty complete picture of a person's life without them knowing anything about you that doesn't fit in a 100x100 pixel square. Tell me that's not everything you ever wanted, with your freak ass.

-Make use of that new Facebook format. Facebook, in it's infinite wisdom, has made it possible for you to be more involved while being less involved than ever before.
Where once a stalker had to endure minutes upon minutes of clicks to look at everything their target ever said, he can now look up into the top right of his homescreen, where a continuously scrolling express news feed now makes you aware of any activities, such as comments, likes, and new photo posts, that anyone you are friends with or that your friends are friends with participate in.
This means if you're willing to sit at your computer long enough, you'll be able to know the exact time the unrequited love of your life is discussing anything, even with a 3rd party. That ought to make your year, freakazoid.

...that's all I can give you for free today. Hopefully you enjoyed today's admission-free look at what is, in my unbiased opinion, the best book I've ever written that's currently available to the public: "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"...and maybe even learned something...or even better, learned how to learn something for yourself. However I can help (and make a few bucks in the process). Aight, until next time, scouts!


Social Network TV

It's true, but who cares...it's so damn entertaining.
So I’m having a few temporary technical difficulties in my life, and one effect is that I’ve been watching a lot of daytime TV lately. (People say enough of that shit will rot your brain, and it’s probably true…but I figure I’ve killed enough brain cells through my experiences since freshman year to narrow it down to the true survivors anyway. The ones I have left should be fine.) It doesn’t require my full attention, so it’s convenient as white trash noise to have in the background while doing other things…like this.

As a result of my…studies…I know who has and has not fathered a large number of children (and the appropriate celebrations for each scenario), have noticed time and time again that most lesbians do not at all resemble the ones on Cinemax, stood witness to (often hilarious) family arguments that should have never seen the outside of a living room, and have seen many people who have done something or other with their crotch that they weren’t supposed to and will probably live to regret.

Now, most people would look at this and see a useless waste of time at best, and a sick pleasure in seeing the full negative potential of everyday folk placed in the most brief and inflammatory of spotlights at worst. I see the same…it is both those things and many more. However, I see something else…I see Facebook. I see Twitter (in the once a week-ish I actually check mine). I see what social networking is for the most part…virtual reality television.

The similarities are right there. People sharing personal details of their lives in a public forum for the attention/approval of the audience (sex and sexuality always get the strongest reactions), relationship issues we can all subscribe to, family affairs with open invitations to the public…even down to the ads before, during and after the show offering to sell you things they think you need. (Online it’s based on your internet history, over the air they just guess that you are broke and unemployed so you obviously need a loan shark, to sue for a “slip-and-fall”, or internet classes to become a legal assistant’s assistant, a medical technicality or get what is almost a high school diploma.)

It’s not necessarily a bad thing…or maybe from under your hat, it is. I don’t know. What I do know is that I find the whole thing fascinating. To use examples from my own virtual life, just this morning I’ve seen a man pine for his long-gone love as he has been doing for as long as I could see it, women in various stages of undress purely for the silent cheer of a *like*, plenty of people overselling their lives for the cameras of the news feed, and of course, audience commentary, both enabling and disabling. There ain’t many places you can get all of that before noon that I'm not discussing in this post.

If I could get a few cameras together and somehow convince a few people on my friendslist to be guests, I could have my own Springer-style show based entirely on my social networking. I’d be just like Jerry, standing in the background cracking jokes with concern as people shared their ludicrous life stories and sordid sexual details, watching the fireworks as people air their personal grievances, seeing random people flash body parts I may or mostly may not want to see, providing a place for babies to be exploited for attention, parading out-of-control teens in adult bodies around the stage so they can get the attention they crave and we could see exactly what kind of person we don’t want to date or make, then ending it all on a surprisingly poignant and insightful final thought. (Seriously, if you never have, give the end of his show a listen...it’s like he’s trying to restore 58 minutes of brain damage in the last two.)

Of course, both social networking and trash TV are pretty much mindless entertainment, but that’s only if you turn your mind off. (I can never find the “power down” switch….kinda cool except when I’m trying to sleep.) If you think about it enough, they can both be very revealing of the rusted inner workings of people you know and people just like them…or just an interesting reminder that your life isn’t that fucked up by comparison. Either way it works, right?


"FfYL" Quickies: Part II, Chapter 2: (f.u.c.k.)- the Friendship Manifesto

What's good, umf'ers? It's another Wednesday (yes, I damn sure am going to act like I didn't skip last week) and that means it's time for another exclusive look at my book, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today you get to check out a something from Part II "For the People You Care About"...it's a chapter known as "The Friendship Manifesto", where we talk about...well, friendship.

It's a little something special I felt had to be addressed in today's world, when "friendship" can be something so one-dimensional as to fit entirely on one screen or another. Of course, when you really think about what a friend is, it's a bit more than just a digital acknowledgement that you're aware of a person's existence...but how much more? Well, this chapter is about exactly that...it's a declaration of friendependence, outlining the things one should consider before they use the f-word.

Chapter 2: (f.u.c.k.)- the Friendship Manifesto

While being a family member is (in the eyes of people who didn't read the last chapter) not a choice, being a friend is. Your friends are unique in the people that you deal with. They are the only set of folk in your life that is not required, compensated, nor employed to deal with you on any level…and yet, choose to do so anyway. At least, that's what a friend should be.
We all know what kind of people pass themselves off as "friends"...mooches, cowards, liars, backbiters, double-crossers, users, abusers, the foul, the fickle, the fiendish, and the otherwise F'ed up. It's more common that we should be comfortable with.

However, a good friend is worth more than the largest fortune...for one, it'll be very lonely making it rain in the living room of your palatial and empty estate. Also, if you don't know who you can trust, you'll lose it all anyway. Just ask Mike Tyson, if you can afford the postage to wherever he is now. Many people with high net worths find it worthless without people who care about them.

Surrounding yourself with people who take an honest interest in your personal endeavors can go a long way in life...but how do you tell if a person you are considering a relationship with (and being friends is a full-on relationship, don't tell yourself any different) is the right kind of guy to associate yourself with in your spare time? To that end, I present the Friendship Manifesto, a reasonably through (but far from all-inclusive) guide to what you can expect from your friends...and what they should be able to expect from you. All right, here we go.

The Friendship Manifesto

When in the course of human events, it becomes kind of cool to hang out a lot with a person you met a while ago and neither wants to have sex with the other, they become friends. We have undergone this process and accept the rights and responsibilities implicit with such a relationship. Allied in spirit, interests, activities, and likely preferred substance of recreational ingestion, we are now known to the world as willfully connected to each other. In so doing, we assume the combined and greater station which 2 like-minded people occupy upon forging such a bond...
...and I gotta stop you right there. There's plenty more to a friendship, so there's plenty to this chapter...but I can't give it all away for free. My art starves me enough as it is. Anyway, hope you enjoyed this free preview of my first consolidated collection of colloquial cerebrations, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". If you really liked it, check out the rest of the "FfYL Quickies"...and of course, if you liked it-liked it, you could buy the whole book for $10 (+ $5 US shipping). Aight til next time, people...f.u.c.k. yourself! 


Not Immediately Apparent

What face would you make while having your beard yanked by someone just cute enough to get away with it?
Now that I've been totally half-responsible for the growth and development of a future human being for a little under 4 months, I can confidently say the following: I haven't become one of those parents.

You know, the ones who just had a baby and are so happy they literally do not know what to do with themselves? The ones who post so many near-identical pictures online of their (often funny-looking) bundle of joy's every move that if you scroll through them really fast it looks like a home video? The ones who will spot you at a block's distance, sprint in your direction, pounce acrobatically upon you and begin firing 8"x10" glossies at your face like ninja stars while shrieking "LOOK AT THE FUCKING BABY!!!" You know, those?

Well, I'm not one and I'm pretty proud of myself for it. Hell, if you didn't know me that well, you might assume I was a nonparent. I do have a kid, but I'm not about to climb up on my roof, go to the very edge, hold him up like baby Simba and repeatedly scream "YES!" at the top of my lungs. He's a baby. He does the same baby things every other baby does, give or take a few months. I do think he's pretty cool sometimes, but I realize that mine is a slightly biased opinion where that particular infant is concerned.

More importantly, I realize how little most people care. (Hell, the only reason I get away with posting daddetails on here is...well...it's my site, dammit. Nobody reads this shit anyway.) I care. If you care, that's good too. I just realize most people do not. Not only do I take no offense to this, I totally understand.

Why should more than maybe 25 people care whether baby DX attempted to almost crawl the other day, or what face he makes when he doesn't want to be fed for the next 4 minutes, or whether he recognizes his name? (Which I hope he does soon, because I'm sick of saying his name on the back of every sentence and feeling ignored as fuck.) I save those discussions for his mommy, people who are also interested in babies, and those...you know...ask.

To draw a parallel, you may know that I'm a fan of the Dallas Cowboys. (If not...hi, I'm AJ.) I personally think that they are the greatest football team currently in existence, and no amount of logic or losing seasons can tell me different. I check 'Boys related things often, am up to date with any and all girdiron happenings even in the offseason, and generally display signs of strong interest in the team.

However, I realize that not everyone is a Cowboys fan, or even a football fan (for some reason). Some people may not like sports at all. Becoming one of those parents would be something like walking up to anybody I know and beginning to rattle off stats, draft picks, training camp schedules, season outlooks, player updates, and other things that many people may not understand and could not give one single fuck about even if they did.

Instead, I retain multiple facets to my personality so I have something vaguely interesting to say to everybody. I'm not just a Cowboys fan, just a parent, just a writer, just a tacoholic, just a lighter rider, just a cap enthusiast or just anything else...I'm still AJ, fuckdammit! I have an entire personality that is made up from all my interests, yet not totally dominated by any one. You know...a whole person?

I'm not here to dump on enthusiastic parents. Honestly, it's something I wish I had sometimes, as enthusiasm is the Vicodin of the spirit when faced with a difficult task. I'm not saying I'm somehow ashamed of being a parent. I mostly like the kid, and think with the proper training, the youngling can do daddy proud one day. I'm sure many people feel that way and still want other people to shut the fuck up about their children sometimes, though.

All I'm saying is it's possible to be a parent without being one of those parents...and you'll probably keep more friends too (including your kid when he/she finds out you did not post their entire life up to the age of 13 online and is eternally grateful).