7.30.2012

Acceptance*

Acceptance is an somewhat enigmatic concept. It's a popular buzzword nowadays, and we usually hear it in discussions of what passes for "bullying" nowadays, from people who would like to see swimsuit models who raise the water level in the average pool, and in protests against popular chicken-based restaurant chains (who pass up about 52 days per year of revenue to support their beliefs and yet are expected to make statements that run contrary to them).

It seems everyone wants acceptance...and that's fair. Acceptance is defined as "the act of believing", and I know I wouldn't want anybody thinking someone made me up, so I get that it's important to people. However, what's quickly becoming obvious to me is that when people say they want "acceptance", they want something else entirely. They want you to like whatever you're accepting too...and in some cases, that's just asking for too much.

7.27.2012

If I Was White...

It would probably actually look this bad...
As you may or may not know, I'm what they call African-American (which sounds like I just got off Ellis Island and started driving a cab about 5 years ago, but whatever). I've never really minded being black. At worst, I have to use a little more lotion than the average person and it's harder to find Band-Aids that blend in. Of course, the pros include slightly elevated natural leaping ability and a resistance to sunburn, but honestly I think being white would have its advantages too.

I'm not going to go into the whole socioeconomic tangent or anything...I already wrote "TBX". I'm more talking about the day-to-day actualities of it. For one, I'd really like to be able to have my hair flow in the wind. I've gotten used to the idea that I don't have a cape for my brain, but it took me a long time to get over it. I also can't spike my hair into something that looks like an anime character's coiffure...but that's probably for the best, since I'd occasionally do it.

7.25.2012

"FfYL" Quickies- Part II, Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- the Draft

Hey what's good umf'ers? If you're keeping score at home, it's about time for another pro bono peek at my currently available anthology of asshollectualism, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's piece of my mind is from Part II, "For the People You Care About" and is one of my favorites from "FfYL": (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.)- the Draft.

See, drafting winning players and partners are similar concepts. There are certain traits which all the greats in a sport share and that successful organizations look for in any potential prospect. Similarly, there are those essential traits which all highly qualified relationship partners share, and that anyone intent on building a dynamic two-person team should be scouting for.

Note the use of positive adjectives in the preceding paragraph...this means that achieving the opposite of either is as simple as not knowing what the fuck you're doing and making a commitment based on one or two desirable traits. If you'd like to fail at one, the other, or both, then read no further. The rest of you, please enjoy today's selection of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge": The Draft.
Chapter 5: (f.u.c.k.)- The Draft

7.23.2012

Instant Celebrity: Just Add Murder



It's kind of interesting how our society works sometimes. Unless you don't own anything with a power cord, you've likely heard about the incident in Colorado, where some asshole shot up a midnight movie premiere of "The Dark Knight", killing 12 people and injuring over 40 others. (I'm not going to mention him by name, he's famous enough already...if you don't know it and it matters to you, just Google the proper nouns in that last sentence.) Apparently, he did this because he flunked out of college and figured he'd take it out on a few dozen random citizens who have nothing to do with the fact that he's a disappointment with legs.


It’s not really a new story. Every so often, some loser decides that what they are living can’t be life. They come to the conclusion that their lives are so abject and worthless that they're going to make others' lives as fucked up as theirs by going off to shoot some innocent people, like it's the general public’s fault that they’re not very skilled at living. (Usually such people kill themselves afterward instead of doing something more responsible, like killing themselves first.) It happened at Columbine and Virginia Tech, was very popular at post offices in the ‘90s and goes on wherever sorry individuals reach homicidal levels of failure.

What is new is the level of notoriety that he obtained with his actions. Thursday afternoon, the guy was just another nobody who wasn’t getting what he expected out of life. Today, just 4 days and 12 deaths later, he is known worldwide as a folk villain. In one night, he became bigger than Batman. His name was repeated ad nauseam, his picture constantly seen, his activities before his big break meticulously dissected in the public eye (I know what the guy’s Match.com profile looks like through no intentional efforts of my own), and the demand for information about him and his pitiful little life couldn’t come out fast enough…he was like Kimmy K, but slightly more harmful to humanity.

It gives one pause for thought at what gets glorified in the media, especially the way it works today. Everybody is only 3 shares from becoming an international phenomenon, and since you’re on the internet, you may know that the things that get the most attention are rarely the things that deserve it. A video of a guy pogo-sticking across 6 lanes of traffic in a frog costume gets more views than a TED Talk any day. A picture of words worth less than the advertised thousand will get a plethora of likes from people without that many in their vocabulary when shared on a social network. You might not know what the Bilderberg meeting is, but I guarantee you know Jay-Z and Beyonce’s kid’s stupid name.

Point is, it’s not necessarily that our collective attention span is down as people like to say…just poorly utilized. In my opinion, there’s no better example of that than the fact that the newest household name in America is that of some crazy jackass who killed a bunch of people watching a movie for no good reason. His name, his life, and his contributions to society are now just as significant as those of the leading researcher in the field of cancer cures…maybe even more so, since it’s likely that neither of us can name that person, but both can name the person responsible for this tragedy. Worst of all, that's exactly what people like him want.

In a world of my design, he would have been arrested, beaten senseless in a private session attended by members of the families, unceremoniously dumped into a pit somewhere, and simply buried alive with no recognition other than by the plants which would be fertilized by his now-useful body. In this one, he has risen to a greater status through a few minutes of doing evil than in a lifetime of doing nothing...I just wonder if that’s a status we want liked and shared.

7.20.2012

PSA: Fuck Dolphins


You know, there's always been something about dolphins that I didn't like. People always talk about how smart and friendly they are, but I was never a fan. I thought it was just that they made a stupid and nonthreatening mascot for a professional football team, but there are deeper issues at hand here.

For one, there's the special treatment they are afforded in the sea world. Whales are fine to kill as long as people need soap and lipstick, octopus is a delicacy in many parts of the world, and I personally ate about 3 other sea creatures this week just for fun...oh, but let a dolphin get caught in a tuna net, and it's an international incident.

Far as I'm concerned, they need to echolocate somebody who cares. Maybe dolphin is like the filet mignon of the sea and tuna companies are holding out on us, giving us the chicken while saving all the delicious, flaky dolphin steaks for themselves. I don't know how true that is, but you don't either...don't you think it's our right as the top of the food chain to have that information?

Secondly, about 15 people per year are molested by dolphins (or "maliciously raped" as it was phrased in the source material for that data). No bullshit, Google it. Think about it...there you are, just splashing around in the ocean, minding your own business, when you're accosted by a horny fish who wraps his powerful and flexible penis around your foot, drags you underwater to a rape cave, and sexually assaults you with something long enough to wrap around your foot. (If the only thing you took from that sentence was that dolphins are not technically fish, you don't fully appreciate the undertow of this situation.)

Worse, they are easily aroused, have strong sex drives, and enjoy multiple orgasms, so odds are it it happens, it won't be a quickie. These attacks often result in torn muscle tissue, broken bones, severe internal bleeding, drowning (for the lucky) and of course, the irreparably shattered pride that comes with being forcibly mounted by a dolphin multiple times. The incidents are often covered up by the dolphin-safe media, as well as by the victims who don't exactly tell all their friends and followers that they were sexually pummeled by a sea mammal...but they happen. You can laugh if you want, but it's all fun and games until a dolphin finds your blowhole.

Overall, I just don't find anything to like about them. Sure, science says they're the second most intelligent creature on the planet and that we should treasure and respect them for this, but there are plenty of members of the claimed #1 species who I neither treasure nor respect, so they can miss me with that. Flipper, Ecco, and aquatic zoos worldwide might have you all fooled...but I'm wise to their seananigans. Hopefully after this post, you are too. Fuck dolphins.

7.19.2012

"FfYL" Quickies: Part I, Chapter 6- (f.u.c.k.) Office Parties

What's going on umf'ers? We're a little overdue for the newest free look at my book, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's selection takes us back to Part I "For Your Job", and is all about one of the rare fun parts of having a job, the office party.

An office party is ripe with both positive and negative potential, and this chapter, entitled "(fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge)- Office Parties", is all about how to not fuck up the modicum of fun you can have on the clock...officially. Enjoy...



Chapter 6: (f.u.c.k.)- Office Parties

All right! You've got some time in at the job, got the basic lay of the day-to-day land, and may even find yourself settling into your circumstances somewhat. Good for you. Now, it's time for one of the few fun parts of your job...office parties. Yes, many workplaces hold functions from time to time...maybe for holidays, maybe for birthdays, maybe for Tuesdays (and in that case, I'd like an application for where you work). Navigating such affairs can be a somewhat tricky process.

What starts out as some locally-catered snacks and a couple of free drinks after (or during) work could end up with you getting caught licking the fat secretary's anklethighs on top of a copy machine in a fit of drunken stupidity. Nobody needs that...so what you do need is this overview. Here it is, party people...

First things first...don't get too drunk. Seriously, if there's anyone who understands the appeal of an adult beverage or 6 on the company dime, it's a guy who is writing a book for beer money. However, understand that having one too many can be a harbinger of you doing something to completely debase yourself in front of people that you cannot make a living without being around 5 days a week indefinitely.

You know that dream people have when they show up for work or school naked? Embarrassing isn't it? Cross that image with the movie "Groundhog Day", and you'll see what your life will be like if you decide to fuck around on this one. Quick rule: if you find yourself talking to 2 or 3 times as many people in the office as normal, you should probably stop drinking...particularly if you already speak to everyone.

Next, you will find out that all of your co-workers are human...even your bosses. Yes, that kind of human. Depending on the kind of folk you work around, this could be either an extremely obvious statement or a challenge against everything you hold true in life.
You see, often in what is termed a "professional" environment, people feel pressure to present themselves in a perfected and prepackaged manner, in order to make the people that hired them believe that they're the mindless automaton they thought they hired.

However, once they leave their work station, their desk can no longer hold down their personalities. The alcohol commonly present at these functions only expedites matters. This could be good or bad...but it will be educational either way. Take notes.


...and we'll go ahead and stop right there. I hope you enjoyed today's look at "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". If you want more, just click on umf keyword "FfYL Quickies" to see the rest of the collection of previews...but if you want even more (including the rest of this chapter)...well, buy the book. I mean, it's only $10+shipping, damn. Plznthx. Anyway, thanks for checking out this week's peek at "FfYL"...and in advance for spreading the word (hey, worth a shot, right?).

7.17.2012

Cutting the Line: A Field Guide to Deflecting Undesired Pickup Attempts



*fittedwearer's note: See, I still do things besides advertising. It's all around here anyway. Of course, I'd advertise less if I sold more...but that's a seperate topic. Let's get to today's nonsense.

As you may know, I'm a guy. Traditionally, we play offense in the dating game, and among the offensive tools in the male playbook are openers, or what are commonly called "pickup lines". These come in flavors from mild ("I lost my phone number, can I have yours?") to spicy ("I like your shirt, it would look better on my floor") to creepy ("Does this rag smell like chloroform?") to downright nonsensical ("Are you the girl who just called me?"), all of which I have heard firsthand and/or had directly reported to me.

Honestly, I can see how that would get old. Of course, this is coming from a guy whose best line is "Hey, I'm AJ, *insert joke here*", but it's my estimation that a lot of chicks with some modicum of sense wouldn't exactly remove her panties on the spot and gently loft them onto your face upon hearing such things. Hell, it's not even just a girl problem...guys get some bullshit spoken in their direction too. (Have you ever heard the Purple story?)

It doesn't even have to be about what's said...sometimes the face it comes out of is not one you wish to see twice on purpose. In any event, here are a few techniques to make sure the next conversation with a person you don't want to know is as short as possible.

-Stonewalling. The future we live in is great for many reasons, but the tools we now have to ignore people constitute a big one. Headsets are the natural enemies of pickup lines. Smartphones have so many apps, you're bound to have something better to do than speak to some random asshole in the street. Ignoring anyone besides the homeless isn't always the easiest task, but the technology of twentytwelve makes it easier than it's ever been. Best of all, you can also use most of this technology to call the police in case of an overly rapish line.

-Repetition. Many standard pickup lines are so absurd, the deliverer had to stand in the mirror with it for a while just to make sure you could actually use those words in that order in a sentence like that. Deep down, they can't believe they're going to say the phrase with their actual mouth, but somebody told them it works and they're willing to give it a try.

So the next time somebody comes at you with something like "Do you believe in love at first sight or should I come back?",  just repeat it right back to them in an incredulous tone, like you can't believe they really said that either. Do it over and over again. After 4 or 5 times of having their verbal love letter returned to sender, they should get both the point and the fuck away from you.

-Interrogation. The people who use pickup lines are like the people who use fishing lines...they mostly just want to get what they've come for and leave. Nobody wants to sit and reveal their life story to a fish, they just want to take it home and eat it.

This principle can be used to your advantage here. If you do find yourself accidentally hooked, don't panic or get all defensive and mace-happy, simply ask 3 billion questions. Ask for an address, a social security number, medical records, social networking passwords, employment history, credit score, and do it all rapid-fire. Don't even wait for an answer before asking the next question. About 30 seconds of the hot seat will send most pickup artists running like scalded dogs.

-Countering. Once I was stopped on the street by someone with a clipboard and asked to donate to some cause or other. I let them finish their presentation, then started one of my own, offering to sell them a copy of my book so they could see how it feels to be randomly solicited. After that, we were mutually uninterested, and I liked it that way.

This concept also has applications here...the next time someone makes an unwanted sexual advance, offer one of your own. Mention the 2-foot dildo you've just been dying to try on someone. Ask if they've ever had a prostate exam with a happy ending. Talk about your fetish for people who run red lights headfirst. The majority of people are not about that life...they might leave their shadow trying to get away from you.

-Lying. The "I have a boy/girlfriend" defense has been used pretty much since the dawn of mankind. Cave paintings depicting a hopeful suitor being shunned in favor of an imaginary but still preferable partner have been found dating back to 10,000 BC.

With that in mind, it's time for some new twists on this old standby. Try saying that you're required to inform them that you're a registered sex offender. Dropping the word "herpes" ends a lot of conversations of this type. "Pre-op" is also a fantastic keyword here. Just pick a real erection softener of a line and stick with it. Of course, there is always a risk of that false information getting back to people who know you...but then, if they actually believe it they really don't, do they?



Hopefully you enjoyed and find useful this guide to defusing common attempts to spark conversation. Of course, rejecting everyone before they get a chance to show you the content of their character isn't the best idea...but rejecting most people probably is. For umf, I'm AJ...thank you, and good night.

7.16.2012

"Expecting (the Worst)" Preview/Kickstarter Video



Hey umf'ers...remember that Kickstarter thing I was talking about on Friday for "Expecting (the Worst)"? Well here's the official video for it...so if I could borrow a few minutes (and maybe a few dollars), I'd appreciate it. Full project details here...oh, and >over there> (nice addition, eh?)...please feel free to share. 'Preciate your support!

7.06.2012

Kick-Ass! (the Great Kickstarter Campaign)



I've never been that patient a guy. Just ask my mommy. If you asked me to name a character flaw of mine, that would be the first one I'd throw out. I mean hell, I wrote an entire post on the virtues of cutting in line at one point. I don't like waiting around, standing by, holding my breath, or anything else that stops me from moving forward as quickly as possible.

That said, that's exactly what I've been doing for the last few months. See, I wrote this book and I really tried to let the regular progression from Word document to bookshelves take its course...get an agent, wait for them to sell a publisher on the project, go through the year-or-more-long process of getting a book polished to their vision and shipping to stores, and collecting a nice little 10-15% royalty for my work.

Recently though, I figured fuck that. There had to be a better way...so I did a little research, and indeed there is. Thing is, I need your help. Yes, you keeping an eye over your shoulder and an Excel document minimized in case the boss comes by, you reading this while being orbited by a small yet disproportionately noisy child, even you laying there reading this nekkid with daytime TV playing in the background. I need all umf'ers help on this one.

Thing is, I've decided that self-publishing is probably the quickest route to getting my book out there. I gave it a lot of thought, and to do that correctly, I need some serious funds...funds that I don't have right now...but maybe you and a few hundred of your fellow readers do. So, I figured why not...I started a Kickstarter account! (Take a peek here.) It officially kicks off Friday, but I decided to put the word out now...you know, so y'all can budget for me.

I'm trying to raise $5,000 to print up physical copies of "What to Expect When You're Expecting (the Worst)", and I'm asking you to contribute. However, I'm not just asking for a handout...this is more a hand-to-hand transaction. (As you may know, I'm not averse to those.) That's right, with every donation to the cause, you get a gift you can only get from me...and no, it's not a kid. Check out the lovely gifts I came up with to reward your support!

$1 donation:
-2 "FfYL" Stickers

$10 donation:
-1 eBook copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting (the Worst)"
-2 "FfYL" Stickers

$20 donation:
-1 signed 1st edition copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"
-2 "FfYL" Stickers
1 "Expecting (the Worst)" Condom

$25 donation (1st 100):
-1 signed 1st edition copy of "Expecting (the Worst)
-5 "FfYL" Stickers
-1 eBook copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"
-1 eBook copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"
-1 "Expecting (the Worst)" Condom

$50 donation (1st 100):
-1 signed 1st edition copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"
-1 copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"
-10 "FfYL" Stickers
-2 "Expecting (the Worst)" Condoms
-1 eBook copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge"
-1 eBook copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"

$75 donation (1st 50):
-1 (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.) "Scouts" tee mens' or womens', your choice of size 
-1 signed 1st edition copy of "Expecting (the Worst)
-25 "FfYL" Stickers
-4 "Expecting (the Worst)" Condoms
-1 eBook copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge"
-1 eBook copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"

$100+ donation (1st 50):
-1 (fresh.uncensored.critical.knowledge.) "Scouts" tee men's or womens', your choice of size
-1 signed 1st edition copy of "Expecting (the Worst)
-1 signed copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life"
-50 "FfYL" Stickers
-5 "Expecting (the Worst)" Condoms
-1 eBook copy of "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge"
-1 eBook copy of "Expecting (the Worst)"
-Immortalization in the "Special Thanks" section of "Expecting (the Worst)"



Pretty sweet prizes, eh? Just one problem though...Kickstarter is an all-or-nothing type enterprise. Either I raise every dime I'm going for and generate prizes and profit, or all the pledges go right back to the pledgers and there are never any of either.

That's why I need y'all now more than ever. If you can find it in your pocket to donate, even a dollar, know that every little bit helps. Hell, even if you don't have two nickels to rub together, I need the word spread as far as possible...a share/retweet doesn't cost you anything but a click, but could be worth a lot more than that.

I've always appreciated your support because it shows you believe in me and have for a while...I just need a little help now to make both profit and prophets out of you. Aight, I've got a lot of work to do kicking off the campaign...here's hoping we all get a kick out of this, starting Friday. No matter what, thanks for everything, umf'ers.

7.04.2012

"FfYL" Quickies- Part II, Chapter 3: (f.u.c.k.)- Casual Dating

*fittedwearer's note: Happy Independence Day! Sadly, there's not a lot of meaning behind this particular off day any more...but I could be identified as a terrorist if I don't say it, so I did. Oh, and speaking of independence, stay tuned for a big announcement later...aight, let's get to the reason for your visit.

It's Wednesday again, and that means you get yet another free chunk of my first anthology of assholectualism, "Fresh Uncensored Critical Knowledge for Your Life". Today's piece of my mind comes from Part II of "FfYL", "For the People You Care About", and is all about the world of dating.

You see, dating can be an absolute minefield (including the fact that dating the wrong person can see you lose a limb). This chapter is about the mildly insame journey from total stranger to prospect to lover...and maybe beyond. There's somebody out there for everybody, the problem is some people are way the fuck out there. This was written in the hope that you can avoid that kind of weirdo...and possibly find the same kind of weirdo you are. 'K, here it is:

Chapter 3: (f.u.c.k.)- Casual Dating


Now we get to the part of this book you've probably had in mind since some dirty minded pervert-lite pointed out the acronym in the title of this book to you, the romantic and sexual aspect of life. If you're reading this eBook, you obviously have an e-reader of your own, a credit card, and the ability to sit still and read more than 140 characters at a time, so you are either a spoiled child with rich, inattentive parents and a prescription for Ritalin or an adult. (Either way, your purchase was appreciated.)

As an adult, by now it's no secret to you that this particular corner of the human experience is one of the greatest, yet most chaotic areas of life. It can bring people some of the most extreme joys and thrills we mortals can hope to experience while we draw breath on this earth or just get mafuckas who can't keep their stomachs from slapping every other available midsection within striking distance in a whole bunch of trouble, depending on how the people involved handle this delicate and highly nuanced process.

Many people elect to just run around half-cocked (well, you know what I mean), humping up on anything that can't get away fast enough. You often see these people on the Maury show playing offense or defense in some kind of paternity procedure, in free clinics wondering why hot, viscous pancake batter is dripping from their loins, or plagued for an indefinite period of time by some overdevoted admirer with a color for a name...all because of a temporary failure to manage their horny.

It's understandable. These matters have been affecting lives, and even the course of history, since ancient times. It has started and ended wars, created and taken lives, and gotten at least one President in serious hot water. When your horny can get you in more trouble than another president's nonsexual but controversial, extended military operation based on the misleading of the entire population of a free country, as history has illustrated it can over the past 15 years or so, you know that's some serious shit.

Random political commentary aside, the point is that romantic relations of any kinds are an intricate series of complicated decisions with life-altering stakes. The best weapon in such a war--and it is one, make no mistake--is information. Better information makes better decisions, and many of the most common mistakes could be avoided with better information...like the kind I'm about to give you.

I don't claim to have all the answers. If I completely understood women, I'd be a god among men, wielding my unassailable power for the enduring good of the male species and furtherment of my unfathomably intricate and marvelous designs.

However, what I do have is a number of observations about how these things tend to go down. I will share these with you, in the hope that you can apply something I've learned the hard way to your own life...or maybe just kill a train ride. As long as you keep reading, I ain't picky. For the rest of this chapter, I'm going to assume you don't want anything too serious. If you want, we can discuss real adult relationships later, but for now let's stick to the fling side of things.


The Learning Curve(s)

One of the most important things to realize about anybody you think you want to have sex with (let's be real, that's what attraction boils down to. Few are those who look at a person they've never seen before and go "Damn, I can't wait to watch a movie that I've already seen with her, she seems like she enjoys a good bowl of popcorn and light conversation" or "Wow, look at the approachable nature and fun-loving spirit on him! I would friend his brains out!") is that if the person is even remotely attracted to you, it is likely you will not meet that person for a year after you learn their name...or whatever it is they go by.

You see, people go to extraordinary lengths to hide the glitches in their personality. Many people create a permanently polished and presentable version of themselves, similar to the deluxe online versions of actual people that can be encountered on social networks all over the Internet. This person is a representative of the person you will meet at some point, and while they share many characteristics with the person you may one day find yourself fond of, in most cases they're not really that person. It's okay, most of us do it.

As almost all meetings of this type involve at least 4 people (you and your representative with her and her representative), you don't want to complicate things with you, your representative, the version of you that wants to smash and dash, the version of you that knows it's not a good idea, the version of you that wonders if there's something real between you and her, her own self, her representative, the version of her who really wants you, the version of her that's scared to get involved with you in any way because you may want 2 different things, the version of her that's listening to her bitter, scorned girlfriend saying all men are dogs...you get the point. I'm getting tired of your crazy ass theoretical relationship just typing about it.

Moving on, some people can maintain this facade longer than others. There are those who can only hide their less desirable attributes for as long as it takes to open their fucking mouth, and some who can hide them for years…but nobody can hold it forever. Of course, some people have relatively minor issues and some are major-league fucked up, but one thing that's pretty apparent is that you won't meet that person by the time you do end up getting together, whether it's for a night or a life. No, you will meet them far, far afterwards, when you've spent enough time around them to feel really stupid that you went that long without even knowing the person was a bank robber or something in her spare time. It's cool, most of us do that too.

At any rate, as long as you realize that objects of your physical attraction may be less wonderful than they appear, you have a decent shot at getting what you want…just make clear—including to yourself--from the beginning what that is. It could be a relationship, a reliable date, a partner for an undefined state of semi-romantic symbiosis (i.e. "fuck buddy"), or even just a single sexual encounter to possibly use as mental sex kindling for other, less blazing fires, it's easier on everyone if the experience involves as few people as possible. Eventually, it’ll be narrowed down to 2…eventually.



Thrill of the Hunt

Okay. We've established that the person you like is very rarely who you thought they were...but you're still reading this, so obviously you're still interested in them. Hey, they might be exactly who you think they are. That's cool…you’re right, there is a chance. People play the lottery every day, so I guess you have a point. The first step is to let them know you're interested in them in the first place. Showing somebody you want them can be a tricky thing. After all, there are so many different kinds of people in the world that no matter what you've seen in some terrible chick flick, one technique can't possibly work on everybody.

What some people call "sweet", other people call "stalking", and it's very easy to err on either side. Show too much interest, and you're setting yourself up for the withdrawal of the object of your affections. Show too little and the person you're checking for will bounce anyway. Either way, it's easy to fuck up. By definition, the whole thing is pretty subjective, but I think we can all agree on some basics.

Random Pickup Attempts

The most famous method of meet and greet for those bound for the sheets is random pickup attempts. Traditionally, it involves a person walking up to someone they like in an area where people are known to gather, introducing themselves, and subtly declaring their romantic intentions in the hopes that the party on the receiving end would acquiesce to their desires at some point. Of course, nowadays the methods are somewhat less...refined...and you get conversations that look like this:

“Dental Podiatry”- a short play
*Man and Woman are in the waiting room at a dentist's office*

*Man sees Woman, finds her attractive, approaches*
Man: So...uh...come here often?

Woman: (with a befuddled look) Only...when I need dental work...

Man: I could drill you any day.

Woman: What?!

Man: Oh, nothing...I was just saying what beautiful eyes you have.

Woman: Is that right? That's sweet. (she opens a magazine in an attempt to ignore him)

Man: Yeah, you look like you could be a movie star or something. Where's your bodyguard?

Woman: If he was here, you wouldn't still be talking to me.

Man: Aww, don't be like that. You're too cute to be that mean.

Woman: ...and you're not cute enough to be that stupid, but you’ve clearly decided not to let that stop you.

*Her name is called for the next appointment*

Woman: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get my teeth cleaned.

Man: You know what I heard was good for teeth?

*Woman glares stabbing daggers of disgust at Man*

Man: (hangs his head, defeated) Never mind...

*Woman exits stage right into the dentist's office, a nearby smartass makes a note to put this in a book he writes one day*



fin



The guy made a number of mistakes, not the least of which was failing to introduce himself, so she could have at least personalized the cussout he deserved. It's a more common problem than you think. Often men are so caught up in coming up with something, anything, to say to an attractive woman that "Hi, I'm ____. How are you today?" becomes "Ay mama when you gonna let me crack that yolk?" It's not really our fault, some of us just can't function well mentally when we're aroused...has something to do with reduced blood flow to the correct head.

However, I'd be remiss in not pointing out the one thing he did do right...he said something in the first place. The other most common problem is that some men are simply too afraid of the possibility that not only will she say no, she'll talk about his mother, boot him in the sack and skip his smartphone into a nearby sewer simply for speaking to her to say anything at all. Unfortunately, this shyness is rarely total. Many times, it stops short of talking to a person and kind of settles in around the "hover near the person and look at them a lot" stage of the approach.

Tossing aside the fact that the whole creepy half-scared thing is more likely to gain you the result you feared than actually going up and saying something, the odds that this person is less than less than likely (I know what I typed) to randomly decide to find you intriguing enough to strike up a courtship. Unless the person is telepathic, they'll never have any idea you ever liked them...and if they are telepathic, they'll be able to sense you standing there thinking creepy thoughts and not like you anyway. Just sack up and go introduce yourself. most of the time, "no" is the worst that can happen (except when "yes" is the worst thing that can happen and you don't know it yet).


...and that's about all I can give you for free. There's a lot more to that chapter, and it's all available to you for one easy payment of $10 (plus $5 US shipping, or eBook avaiable for $5 with free shipping worldwide...lol...). Well, I've got a little work to do...and a cookout to attend...so I hope you enjoyed today's look at my book. If you want more, click the keyword "ffyl quickies" under this post...or, y'know...buy the damn thing. Aight, til next time umf'ers...f.u.c.k. yourselves!