Bye Week

*fittedwearer's note: I often work out my frustrations through writing, and I guess this time's no different. I would say I hope this isn't TMI, but then...you've been on social media, so, this is really nothing I guess. Anyway, enjoy...I clearly won't...lol...


Touch Screening: Siggie-proofing Your Smartphone

The future we live in is home to some fantastic devices, not the least of which is the modern smartphone. The phones of today, fully equipped with a diverse array of fun and functional apps, are packed with power and potential to perform tasks no one could have ever dreamed of just 10 years ago...including destroy your romantic relationship.

That's right, since smartphones do pretty much everything, among the tricks a smartphone can perform is using the information required to do all that to serve as an extremely accurate ledger of every activity you've ever participated in since you unboxed the thing (or last wiped the memory). It's as personal as a fingerprint...possibly even more so, since you get to design it. In fact, it's almost an extension of you...probably the only part of you that will incriminate you without being tortured.

For some people in relationships, this isn't a problem. They have no real need to conceal anything from the person they're with, and really wouldn't care if them and their tag-team partner switched phones for a day (assuming there's no important business to be handled and they have comparable devices).

For others, the phone is the only part of them their love isn't allowed to suddenly touch. If the other half decided to borrow their device to even make a phone call, they'd slap it out of their siggie's hand like a live grenade because they know either their phone or their relationship will be in pieces on the floor after just a few minutes. For those people, I present the following guide to making sure you don't have a panic attack every time you accidentally leave your phone unattended around the person you claim to love. Of course, the suggestions start with:


10 a Day: The Last Stand

Every so often, life sneaks up from behind and ambushes you just to remind you that it's not all lollipops, jokes and bullshit. I already talked about how hard adult life can be, but that was largely theory. This, friends is practice...and as everyone knows, practice is not a game. (One of the many lessons Allen Iverson taught us.)  Yup, I find myself at yet another crossroads in my kindadult life...I'm about 2 weeks from being homeless (or at the very least, replacing the fake Christmas tree in my parents' basement on a seasonal basis). 

That is, unless I sell 10 books a day for the next 2 weeks and make rent.


DisRespect: the Intricacies of the Complimensult

The English language is an interesting tool of communication. Of course, there are a number of (umf...) posts about my love affair with it, but I find it fascinating how many ways there are to say what one wants to say...and more importantly, how many ways these things can be interpreted. What might sound like the most decadent flattery to one person might be an insult worthy of pistols at dawn to another, and it's all due to the precise word choice of the speaker.

In fact, a sufficiently skilled wordbender can imbue any meaning he likes into a given sentence, especially in that insincere but necessary area of human interaction known as "being nice". Being nice often means keeping one's true opinions locked deep inside one's brain cavity, but for the advanced user of English, saying exactly what's on your mind can be a pretty simple, inoffensive process. To that end, below are a few examples of how you can more or less say somebody totally sucks in a way that might make them wholeheartedly agree with you:


Just for the Record: Electile Dysfunction

*fittedwearer's note: this is nothing more than a Facebook status, but I feel it's one of the more relevant ones I've typed lately (wow, that says a lot). My political semi-apathy is well-documented, but I've noticed an interesting trend lately, and since Facebook probably made it so you can't see me (and because it's my corner of the internets), from now on I'll be putting a few of the updates I feel are especially noteworthy here..."just for the record". For once, I'll keep it short:

Aj  Moses | Create Your Badge

"AJ Moses: is gonna go on a little diatribe here, but he can't help but notice nobody tried to secede after the 2000 election.

Nobody said a word about it after the single largest, most widespread and devastating (and frankly, embarrassing, if that's really what happened) national security failure in human history.

I didn't hear much about secession after it was proven that a certain administration wasted trillions--that's a "T", folks--of dollars and thousands of lives in a wild nuke chase based on misinformation and good old fashioned lies.

People stood strong with the government as they gently abridged one right at a time to the point where the Constitution is now historical fiction.

Nobody wanted to disband the country when the national economy crashed due in large part to the treason-level irresponsibility of some of the nation's largest businesses.

Few breathed a public word about their country being taken from them after giving these same people an amount of our money that doesn't even exist to fix their problems when the lenders have more issues than the borrowers.

...but now, as of November 13, twentytwelve, after no event of directly major negative impact, there are 20 states with large subsets of residents claiming to want out of the Union.

It's hard to not see sometimes. One nation under God, my enlightened black ass.

Thanks for your time.

...and that's from the heart.


Nap of the Living Dad: the Mommy's Curse

People just think babies are soooooo fucking cute. They are cute, of course--well, most of them--but anybody forced to deal with them over a long enough time knows that's only when they want to be. Back when I didn't change diapers, I had no idea that was the case. However, over the past 9 months or so I have become privy to their true nature. Demanding, tyrannical, unreasonable, defiant, trollish...vaguely evil at times. (I sometimes question whether there should be an "M" instead of an "I" in little Deion's name.)

Honestly, it gets a little scary at times. Partially because these are my worst fears about parenthood literally come to life, but mostly that such a tiny, weak little nothing that could be balled up and thrown in the trashcan at any time by even the frailest of adults can posess such immense and occult powers. In fact, allow me to recount to you a tale from just this morning, detailing just how horrific the experience can be.


Reeferendum: High Times in a Free Country

Last night saw a true victory for a large subset of Americans. A long-oppressed people, often unfairly discriminated against and told they were less of a citizen because of who they are, finally found redemption after having their voices heard in the most public of forums, voting. The dreams of generations before them finally came to fruition, as after a long struggle, an entire culture was able to make democracy work for them at last.

Of course, if you know me (or read yesterday's post) you know I'm not talking about the presidential election or anything inconsequential like that. No, I'm talking about a more direct and effective form of democracy, the proposition...specifically, the ones in the states of Colorado and Washington legalizing marijuana for recreational use. Whatever your feelings on the plant, the people wanted it and they finally got it...the system occasionally works.


Part of the Problem (Why I Won't Be Picking a President)

Well, it's finally Election Day...months of smear campaign commercials and social media politics finally come to a head on this day, as Americans are selecting their next nominal leader as I type. All over the country, people are filled with election fever, polling and proselytizing, and just being so damn proud to feel like part of the process. Well...that's most people anyway.

For me, it's just another day. Sure, a lot of people are chattering away about something they know little about, but that's no different from any other spot on the calendar...they're just all on the same topic today. However, I certainly do have a civic responsibility today...and I'm performing it right now: I hereby announce that I'm not going to vote for either candidate. In fact, I'm not going to seriously participate in the presidential election at all. In my view, it's pretty pointless.

Of course, I registered to vote at 18 because I wanted to be prepared if somebody ever came along happened to deserve my vote, but when it comes to choosing between the two available candidates, neither really appeals to me (one far less than the other, but on every other multiple-choice test I've ever taken, if the answer isn't on the paper, I've always picked "none of the above").

That's kinda what happens when you try to make two choices appeal to hundreds of millions of people...somebody somewhere isn't going to like either. I'm that guy.


How My Girlfriend Killed an Entire Family of Cats (indirectly)

Murder. Murder most foul. The woman that I (sometimes admit that I) love is likely responsible for the deaths of an entire family of stray cats. She displayed a chilling lack of common decency in her nefarious plot to destroy them. Okay, maybe that's not really how it happened, but it was an interesting chain of events that led me to be able to somewhat factually type the title of this post.

It was Sunday afternoon, and I was lounging on the couch drinking and enjoying some NFL football while Shannon made lunch. (It's kind of a tradition of ours that she doesn't know about yet, and is one of the reasons our relationship works so well.) Our little burden of joy was with his grandma for the weekend, and so we enjoyed a weekend of each others' company uninterrupted by random screaming...for a while.

I heard her heart melting over in the kitchen over a family of stray cats she could apparently see in the alley behind my home...more specifically, the litter of tiny, adorable kittens milling around near their ugly old fat momma. (Those kittens did NOT want to have a "mother joke" session with this guy.) The alley was also home to a large Rottweiler pacing around in his owner's yard. This is mentioned for reasons that will soon become apparent, perhaps before I even tell you.


Hoe Business: Why Prostitution Should be Legal

Prostitution. The selling of sexual favors in a direct exchange for cash. The majority of people find the entire concept distasteful, but as it's often referred to as the world's oldest profession, it's clearly an acquired taste. Yes, people have been using hoes for pleasure longer than they have used them for agriculture, and so it's certainly a strange thing to see that this most basic exchange of goods and services for currency is largely illegal in the capitalistic consumer society in which we live today.

Now, before I say any of what I have to say, please realize that this is not for me. I'm somewhat happily committed (and thereby fulfilled in that area, as is requisite), so I have no need of their services. I just think it's a little strange that some people can't ply their trade in the only career field they're good at. I also believe we're squandering a chance to boost our economy. What better way to stimulate it than by stimulating those who stimulate it...using a domestically produced, recession-proof, infinitely renewable resource? It's common sense to me, but others may need the benefits outlined in more detail...and so: