The Pros and Cons of Deion

Nobody ever shows this side of babies...
Well, as of today, I have officially been a parent for a full calendar year (well, last year was a leap year, so technically I put in a little overtime on my year as a rookie dad, but whatever). That's right, that kid I talk about around here sometimes is one year old today.

Of course, happy birthday and little prince and special wishes and candy coated raindrops and all that bullshit I have to say, but today I find myself thinking less about the day at hand than the past year or so in my life...and more specifically, my adorable little misfire's net impact upon it.

See, before baby DX was born, people loved to tell me how much I would love accidentally having a baby, how much I would cherish being repurposed from a functional, independent human being into a machine designed to tend to a helpless and messy developing human, and how I would be filled with joy for all my days simply because I was assigned a youngling.

What these people didn't realize is that because of the rather shitty reason behind his origin story, there was no way the effects could be all positive. True, they weren't all negative like I thought on the day I was first told I was going to have a kid whether I liked it or not, but as there was no plan, no process, no preparation and only one fully capable and willing parent, there was simply no other option but for things to be fucked up for a while. That's just what happens in these situations.

However, a year has given me ample time to see and consider the effects of having a child in practice, and truly absorb what has changed as a result and whether these changes are positive or negative. There are a number of things that go along with having a kid by default, so with this post, I aim to evaluate whether being a parent has been a good thing or a bad thing for me...showing my work of course. Aight, here we go...I think it'll look better with the bad news first.

- Sleeping in on weekends is largely a thing of the past. Fucking fuck.

- Now that he has teeth and hands strong enough to grab, sharing my food is not an option unless I'm willing to defend it with my life. Often, I am.

- My hair has never been pulled so much. Picked a great time to start dreadlocks. I think he's just jealous because he doesn't have any.

- When he stays here, I'm only about as guaranteed to sleep through the night as he is. That's always nice, to be awakened from a deep, restful slumber by a malfunctioning human alarm clock. I'll tell you what, I sure have never wanted to defenestrate him as a result.

- 365 days ago, I had never helped another human being use the bathroom. I had also never had the rejected contents of somebody's digestive system on my person. I can no longer truthfully type those sentences.

- Wah. Waaah. WAAAAAAAAAAH. WAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Seriously, turn it down, bro...I'm hungry too.

- When I'm babysitting solo, I can fucking forget about getting anything else done. Even watching an entire TV show and knowing what happened is a serious accomplishment with that one around.

- Everywhere also takes longer to get to with him because everyone wants to stop me to examine his little face. I'm about to start handing out 8x10 glossies to total strangers for expediency's sake.

- I'm stuck with Shannon. No matter what happens, I'll have to see her face until one of us 3 dies. It's fine now, but there are certainly scenarios where this could be problematic in the future.

- Speaking of her, she's really tired at night a lot. I like to think I have smart readers, you figure out why that's a con.

- I've grown up just a bit.(Inside, I was 16 a year ago, now I'm around 19.) Hmm.

- Saying "my son" and the like still sounds weird.

- He's a future boy. As this post indicates, that's pretty awesome for me. It was something he had going for him even before he was born, and it was really nice of him to do his best swimming and win that race just for me. Soon, when he's a whole human (around age 2), I can train him to be a boy properly.

- He's so cute. Seriously. I think he knew he had to be and shaped his face accordingly. Many is the time I considered slapping a stamp on him and dumping him in a mailbox marked "anywhere else" with no return address...but he's just so damn cute. It's a neat little trick he does...one day it'll wear off, I'm sure.

- He has become easier to care for. He doesn't throw up to announce every hour like a horrible cuckoo clock any more, he burps himself, holds his own damn bottle, and will be potty trained by the end of the summer. This, in turn, makes him easier to like.

- He appears to like football. We watched a Cowboys game or 2 together, and he often squeals at all the appropriate times. It's a very good sign. Hopefully, one day he'll earn the right to be a full-fledged 'Boys fan.

- He's fun sometimes. The kid is a crazy little fireball. I've never seen somebody who couldn't walk move so much."Active" doesn't begin to describe him, he's a crawling assault. He also enjoys beating his head against the wall in his spare time, which saves me the effort and jail time.

- I'm stuck with Shannon. I could've done worse, especially by accident. Love you, yellow girl...thanks for not fucking up my awesome genes.

- My position in life, in a way, would not be possible without him. It's true. Not in that stupid ass "before I had kids my life wasn't worth living" way. I had a life that I was happy with before him. No, I'm talking about the events that transpired between March 20 of last year and 2k13. Without baby DX, I would have never been inspired to quit my job for no real reason and reached a mutual agreement with my employer that I would be best employed by myself...or whatever they say happened. Whatever went down, he was the indirect cause of it.

- I grew up a bit. Hmm.

...aaaaand that's about it.
Aight, so looking at it from a purely numerical value, it would seem that the cons of having a baby by mistake outweigh the pros...and it's true. 

Despite some cute little attributes, having a baby sucks a lot of the time. It's nothing personal against the birthday boy, it's all babies. I had never handled one for over 15 minutes before, so I didn't know how labor-intensive they were...I just gave them back to their owners when they were done being cute. I can't do that any more, and that's not my favorite part of the arrangement. Fuck it, I'm honest.

However, I know he won't always be a slobbering, burdensome infant. One of these days he'll learn to walk, then he'll evolve into a little boy, and that's when the whole boy training program starts. I'm actually looking forward to that...so while the balance of benefits and drawbacks might be off now, the potential is there for that to change pretty soon. I'm here to find out. I have a feeling if I do this again next year, it'll be closer.

Happy birthday, baby DX. Daddy loves you...most of the time.


Janene said...

Thanks for giving us the good, bad and cute (I couldn't say "ugly." That photo? ADORABLE!) Glad you survived the first year. It's going to get better...and worse but you'll get through it. I know you will. ;)

captNaj said...

It's not horrible all the time lol...yeah tho, I'm pretty happy with where things are after the last year. Him being a particularly cute baby definitely helps. I know it will get much better, it's one of the main reasons I'm still trying. Like I said, I look forward to a whole little boy :)

Tricia Lorntson said...

He is so cute I can't even stand it! And (fitted)hats off to you for keeping real - babies ARE a nightmare sometimes. I don't even have one and I damn sure know that.

But you know he's got your heart wrapped around his tiny fat little fist.

captNaj said...

Yes, he is a very appealing baby...very lucky for that too. As for keeping it real, I know no other way to keep it...just ask your hubby, he's read the book lol...

He has gotten much more likable though...even though more often it's my beard wrapped around his tiny ft little fist.

relationshipvoice said...

Gotta love your honesty. There is definitely something about the little snot mongers that really pulls on your heart strings.

You've got an adorable baby boy and the older he gets the more fun it is. Trust me I've got 2. ;-)

captNaj said...

Hey, I know no other way. He is just lovable enough not to get punted. I totally believe it gets fun at a point, that's why I'm so eager for him to figure out he's a boy so I can start his toddler MMA training.