3.20.2013

Trust Me, I'm an Expert.

As you may know, my boss is typing this. (Creativeish references to my self-employment never, ever get old, I swear.) Most facets of it are pretty great. I get to show up anytime I want, the hardest part of my commute is not tripping over the cord to my modem, I can--must drink on the job, and the place generally feels like home...because it is.


The 1132 Studios Global Creative Control Center and Blue Star Executive Lounge (aka my home office), completion date TBD.
The bad part of it is that for now, I don't get as much time to write for fun as I used to, what with spending most of the day writing for work. Kinda sucks, but I try to make the best of it.

In case you're wondering how I'm keeping the lights on in my new family home, it's through freelance writing (which is pronounced "writing hundreds of words on shit I mostly don't care about").

A lot of it is boring shit like when to change your car's oil filter or how to file your taxes late (Don't. They will do everything but rape you if you do. The IRS is what the mafia wants to be when it grows up.) but I manage to make it fun.

See, every time you search for information on some random topic such as ia breakdown of the cost of divorce lawyers, the career path to being a registered nurse, or the procedure for applying for welfare, actual people wrote that shit. I am now one of these actual people.

That means that I get to write things however I see fit. Yes, I can put lines from "the Matrix" into the article about creating a computer network. Sure, I can make handicap jokes as long as it's in the context of a golf article. You're damn right I worked "shaken, not stirred" into the article on ways to make a martini.

I try to help folk out in my own special way too. When I was assigned to write an article about piss-testing for marijuana, I kindly took that opportunity to write a comprehensive overview of the way the process works, as well as not-very-subtle information on how to beat one. ("Unfortunately, the limitations of urinalysis for marijuana include that the sample may be diluted to decrease the presence of cannabinoids or substituted with the urine of a nonsmoker. There are also masking agents widely available online, some of which have been reviewed to be effective in defeating a marijuana probe." Boo-hoo, the limitations of sci-pry...oh, alas, what a shame.)

I'm also learning a hell of a lot. For example, I had no idea that new parents could send away for a letter of congratulations on their new American from the President('s rubber stamp). I personally thought Boss Barry was a bit too busy...um, attempting to lead the free world and shit to offer his personal congratulations to every parole baby ever, but apparently I was wrong. Fuck all that, heartfelt congrats on doing something that only 90% of people do.

Surprisingly, the job has made me a slightly better adult as well. As a direct result of my adventures in freelancing, I now know how to grout tile, repair stucco, install a thermostat, homebrew whiskey, remove Wite Out from most fabrics, and calculate a pregnancy due date (a topic which I thoroughly trolled for pay in the manner you "Expect").

I also end up writing financial and investment advice, and I kinda wonder how people would feel about making a fiscal strategy based on what some half-intoxicated and half-naked guy whose bank statements often resemble bowls of Cheerios told them to do in real life, but since I'm doing it online, they don't have to know about that. It's the magic of the Internet (which is capitalized, by the way. Never knew that was a law).

Hell, the other day I pretty much destroyed my modem jack by kicking the cord and ripped the little wires all to shit. (That modem wire thing earlier wasn't just a joke, that is actually a difficult thing not to do in my office's current, temporary, and highly jankified configuration.) Did I call Verizon technical support and have them send somebody over to collect 50 bucks from me? Nope, I remembered something I wrote in the past week, got down on the floor with a beer and a screwdriver, and 15 minutes later I was online again.

All in all, I really like my new job, even if I don't get to do the part I love quite as much right now. I don't know if I get credited. I'm not sure who I'm writing all this shit for. I don't even know where the damn things go. I just get a little twinge of pride whenever I ship one out, knowing that I have weaved the fabric of my insanity into the World Wide Web just a little more every time.

I see it as shooting in the proverbial gym. It keeps my skills sharp, allows me to practice new ones, and is someway, somehow taking me closer to where I want to be in life. Unfortunately, there is no instructional guide to being yourself for big fun and bigger profit.

Maybe I'll write it once I find out how. (Probably not...I'd like to keep that job market exclusive.)

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